Search Results for: poop

When I was an baby I was passed around to various relatives until I finally ended up with my grandparents. They wanted to deal with poopy diapers about as much as they wanted to have an appendectomy performed by a crazed homeless person with a rusty spoon. That being said they did the best they could to impart some basic human values and keep me from becoming a serial killer. There are those who, when they find out how I was raised, feel pity for me and start talking in a cooing voice about how hard it must have been. They make me seriously reconsider the whole serial killer thing. You see, I didn’t know anything was wrong. I had food on the table, clean clothes for school and friends I could play with. If my family was different than theirs, well, some of them were different from everyone else’s too. Single moms, single dads, cousins moving in due to divorces or deaths and so on. So I never really thought I was missing anything. As Lene Lovich once said, “Home is where the heart is,” and my heart was in a small house on 18th Avenue in Melrose Park.

When, as I got older, I realized that I didn’t come from a traditional family it never really bothered me. You can’t really miss what you never had, except in the abstract. And, I’m not really prone to abstract thought.

Many people were upset when a young, Rotterdam, girl got a full sleeve tattoo on her right leg featuring all of her Facebook friends. They wanted to know what the heck was wrong with her family. I thought it was stupid, but harmless. As it turned out they could have saved their ire as it was just an ad for a tattoo shop and the tat itself was just a press on. But why let facts get in the way of a good rant?

If they really wanted to have something to get upset about, where was the hue and cry over the mom who tried to use Facebook to hire a hitman?

“I will pay somebody a stack to kill my baby father.”

It’s not your everyday status update. But police say that’s the message that one angry woman posted on her Facebook profile back on May 23, after getting into an argument with the father of her child.

On June 10, police arrested 20-year-old Eley London of Philadelphia after she allegedly tried to hire someone to kill her baby’s father, Corey Jerome White, for $1000.

Even more shocking was the alleged first response. Investigators say 18-year-old Tim Bynum replied to London’s message and said that he was up to the task, agreeing to carry out the hit as long as he was paid up front.

Authorities were alerted after White’s mother saw the message and contacted her son.

“Its shocking that people are just so stupid,” said Lieutenant John Walker.

And, because they’re stupid, they’re behind bars. Better yet, the baby’s father is still alive and probably buying stock in his favorite condom company to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. Or so we all hope.

Other families do things that give us pause as well. As Anthony Hall reports, being naked in public, with or without mannequins, is a no no in certain locales.

When it comes to stripping down naked, the rule of thumb is doing it at home is OK, but don’t try it elsewhere.

Several folks got that formula wrong this week, choosing to bare all or just a few parts of their bodies outside of their abodes.

Guaranteed to get the neighbors talking, a woman in Naples, Fla., Rachelle Gomes, 39, allegedly exposed her breasts at an apartment complex swimming pool, although she told police later her bikini top had fallen off accidentally, The Naples Daily News reported.

Not too far away, in Bonita Springs, Fla., a couple were spotted trespassing and, incidentally naked, until, that is, police officers arrived.

By then Andrew Taylor and Delana Layman were putting on some attire, the Daily News reported. As such, they were charged with trespassing and, incidentally, Layman was charged with possession of prescription drugs that did not belong to her, the newspaper said.

The whole relationship thing can raise so many questions and be so confusing.

A man from Syracuse, N.Y., for example, Ned Nefer, took a 70-mile trip on foot this week with a mannequin he calls his wife.

He met his so-called spouse (named Teagan) at the Children’s Home of Jefferson County, when she was just a head, and later built a body for her, the Watertown Daily Times reported.

He also said he “married” Teagan in California in 1986, meaning some people can make it work with a silent partner.

The trip from Syracuse to Watertown was a pilgrimage to the town where Nefer first met the mannequin head, the newspaper said.

Lisa Spear, principal social welfare examiner for the Jefferson County Department of Social Services, said Nefer “seemed sincere,” and may have been once married to a woman who died. “I’m not sure if this is his way of dealing with the death or that this is some way of coping,” Spear said.

In another dress for the occasion story, Tracy Chandler in Doncaster, England, found herself fired by a local soccer team after poising for a charity calendar wearing lingerie.

Chandler said it was bad enough being fired “by e-mail,” but that the town’s soccer team, the Rovers, might be a bit hypocritical, the Daily Mirror reported.

The soccer team, she said, posed for a different charity calendar the year before, wearing nothing but strategically placed soccer balls.

I had a cat named Teagan and she liked to ride in the car with me. Complete non sequitor, I know.

Also, I once posed naked on a Harley for an ad in the 80’s, so I feel sorry for the lady. She wore more than I did and I never got fired for anything. And, back then, I was working on the radio for Cap-Cities ABC or, as we all called it, the Always Been Christian Network. If they could put up with me I see no reason a local soccer team can’t put up with her.

But not all family news is depressing. Katie Drews, at the Chicago Sun Times, reports that a new family has moved into Boystown and it is just the cutest family you’ve ever seen.

A mother deer found an unlikely home — the heart of Boystown — and gave birth in recent days to two fawns, who are now living near Belmont and Halsted.

Amid the bustling North Side neighborhood, the doe landed in a secluded, gravel courtyard behind an apartment building. To get to this spot, she likely would have had to walk down an alley, turn into a narrow gangway and pass through a gate of a chain-link fence.

“The mother is big, about 250 pounds, and she had birth right in this little gangway area,” said Frank Aolokotronis, who works at a nearby restaurant. “It’s crazy. We’re talking about the middle of the city here.”

“It sounds as peculiar to me as it does to you,” said Kevin Luby, a naturalist at the Glen Ellyn-based Willowbrook Wildlife Center. “She might have gotten herself into that situation and then had an emergency birth right there. I don’t think it’s something she would have chosen.”

The doe’s newborns appear to be doing well. They can prance around the small stones, but they are not strong enough to keep up with mom, who often leaves during the day to forage.

“Moms leave their fawns alone every day and it’s perfectly normal,” said Dawn Keller, executive director of Flint Creek Wildlife Rehabilitation. “She usually only comes back to nurse.”

While this mother deer is gone, the two fawns can often be heard crying. And during last week’s rainstorms, they reportedly took shelter under an air conditioning unit.

Despite the unusual setting, it’s best to leave the deer where they are, experts said. Chicago Animal Care and Control is aware of the situation but said it will generally leave animals alone unless they are injured or pose a threat.

“She is living the life that deer live, just in a very peculiar place,” Luby said. “This is probably the most urban deer that I’ve ever heard of. . . . The kids might actually learn from her and learn to live the same lifestyle she has.”

Given the way our economy is going, teaching your kids how to forage on the streets might not be a bad lesson.

All jokes that feature “She’s such a deer,” “fawning over ….” or “how much doe are they worth” are hereby banned forever.

You’re welcome.

Besides, where she now lives prancing through the street in nothing but a tasteful fur is considered normal, so I’m sure she’ll be fine.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

I know you don’t come here to learn anything but are forced to on occasion anyway. Never anything useful, I’m not cruel, but still something you can talk about after your regular conversation crashes.

“Hi honey, how was your day?”

“Fine. And your’s?”

“Fine.”

(unhealthy pause)

“So, have you seen the new, musical, toilets?”

See? You’re right back in the swing of things.

Before we sing a song of sewage let’s catch everyone up on the history of the flush toilet. Despite popular belief the modern flush toilet was not invented by Thomas Crapper. Nor was it invented by anyone named John. Nope, the original flush toilet was invented and developed simultaneously in ancient Rome, Egypt, India and Pakistan. In Wilbur Smith’s historical fiction, River God, there’s a scene where Pharaoh is introduced to the first flushing toilet and is so enthralled with it that he makes one of his wives demonstrate its use in front of the court. While crude by our standards, it still worked on the same principle; it removed sewage from the home and deposited it elsewhere safely. In this case, the Nile where it would work as fertilizer.

We’ve come a long way since those heady, halcyon, days of toilet technology. There are now over 100 different kinds of toilets ranging from the common house flusher, that we all know and love, to toilets that can measure your blood pressure and provide and instant analysis of your end products.

Some of those even provide a printout so people can compare results. With whom is not made clear and I, personally, don’t want to know.

Now, Phil Lamarr of YAHOO! News is announcing that Kohler has taken toilet technology to a whole new level. I’m including his link becasue he has some great video of the toilet in action (but not in use, so don’t panic). However he tries very hard to be funny and, to be blunt, fails miserably. So if you watch with the sound off you should be fine.

Nevertheless this toilet, called the numi, is a wonder to behold. With an asking price of $6,300.00 it’d better be.

It has a pulsing bidet function that can be controlled by the user via a handy remote that comes with their purchase. Given the many options, especially the ‘thrusting wave’ function, there may be some women who’ll never leave their bathrooms again.

It also has a nice music selection that you can access to help you relax while you relieve yourself. And, if you want, there’s a docking port so you can play your own MP3 collection. I mean, after all, who among us hasn’t had that uncomfortable moment where we couldn’t go go without Gaga?

It also comes with mood lighting, an air dryer, a foot warmer, a deodorizer and a motion activated lid so you don’t have to sully yourself with the lowly act of actually touching the toilet.

While all of this may be good news for most of us, it’s not such a great idea for purveyors of elephant poop products. They want their poop on the ground the way God intended. As Monica Garske reports, there is a burgeoning market for paper made from poop.

Finding your desk covered in animal dung doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

When it’s in stationery form, at least.

Whenever entrepreneur Michael Flancman talks about his business, there’s usually an elephant in the room. That’s because he runs the Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Co., a unique, environmentally conscious company based in Thailand that specializes in turning elephant dung into paper goods and stationery.

On any given day, Thailand-based entrepreneur Michael Flancman can be found scooping up elephant or cow poo at conservation parks and farms. He uses the droppings to make paper goods and stationery for his company, the Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Co.

Here’s how it works: Every week, Flancman and a team of employees visit elephant conservation parks near Chiang Mai to collect naturally dried elephant droppings.

After the poo is gathered, Flancman said it’s carefully rinsed with water, leaving only the fibrous materials from the grasses, bamboo and fruits the elephants have eaten but couldn’t digest.

Then, Flancman said, those fibers are thrown into a giant pot of boiling water to ensure an even more thorough cleansing and sterilization, leaving the fibers primed and ready to be made into paper.

Once additional fibers from pineapple plants and trees are thrown into the all-natural mix to add thickness, Flancman said his team separates the moist pulp into small cakes that are then spread over a mesh-bottomed tray and left out to dry naturally under the sun for several hours.

Once dry, the cakes transform into sheets of paper, and Flancman and his crew are able to peel them off the tray and start making Poo Poo Paper products.

He said this tedious handmade process is repeated often, and in the end, the paper comes out sturdy and oatmeal-colored without a hint of stinkiness.

I get it, it’s eco-friendly, recycling in its purest form and all that. I still don’t see me rushing to WalMart to grab a ream. But hey, if poo poo paper is your thing it’s nice to know you’re not alone. It’s also nice to know you’re not me.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Whether you call it Ragnarork, Armageddon or just the plain old Apocalypse, astute readers of this blog know that it’s come and gone hundreds of times thus far. And is due to do so again. In fact the end of the world is coming again this October and again in December of 2012 and again ….. well, you get the idea. Obviously, if you’re like me – and I’m beginning to think that many of you are, you see this as an excellent reason to hold a party and hoist a toast to the great and mighty Zarquon. Or to Sanforized toupees, whichever you prefer. No matter what you decide, it’s an excellent excuse to party. And, for single geeky guys, it may be the one time they’ll actually get some. After all, what girl could resist a pick up line like “C’mon babe, it isn’t like there’ll be anyone left who can make fun of you tomorrow”? Without fear of recriminations it’ll be a big ol’ FESSSSTIVAL!

“But wait a minute there, Uncle Big Bad,” you whine, “what about those of us who would like to wake up the day after the end of the world and keep living our sad little lives? What are we to do?”

Fear not my dear poopers of the ultimate party, there’s hope for you too. David Moye reports that you can grab the next spaceship out of Dodge for under $25.00 (tax not included).

Some people see the 2012 doomsday prophecies as a sign the world will end on Dec. 21 next year.

Others see the apocalyptic predictions as nonsensical hogwash fueled by superstition and misconceptions about the Mayan calendar.

But Jack Dowd, an entrepreneur in Fairfield, Iowa, sees the fears of Armageddon as an opportunity to make some cash.

Dowd, 27, a former writer’s assistant on the sci-fi series “The Dead Zone,” is capitalizing on doomsday hype by offering escape packages to people who would like to leave Earth should the apocalypse strike four days before the 2012 Christmas shopping season ends.

There are two packages available at his website. The first-class package for $24.49 includes a one-way ticket aboard the USS Ark 2012 Escape Ship to an Earth-like planet, one single sleep pod and an intergalactic Passport ID Card that Dowd promises will allow passengers to “seamlessly make it through any wormhole checkpoint or space customs.”

However, folks who purchase the $44.99 “Superluminal” package get upgraded to the luxury suite sleep pod that comes with a flat-screen TV, starlight window and mini bar. They also get a 2012 edition guidebook and “VIP access to exclusive areas of the USS Ark 2012, including the Officers Lounge, 360-degree Stargazing Deck and Zero Gravity Room.”

It’s hard to tell what’s more amazing, the package itself or the fact that a few people have actually purchased it, mostly as a gag gift.

Dowd himself admits he started the site as a joke and is still surprised he’s getting orders.

“I didn’t expect anyone to actually purchase one,” he told AOL News. “I initially saw this more as entertainment than a product to sell. I figure I’ve sold somewhere between 50 and 100 tickets.”

Dowd came up with the idea around the time the movie “2012” was released in theaters.

“I had been hearing more and more people begin to talk about the Mayan Prophecy of 2012,” he said. “When I saw a preview for the movie, the idea popped into my head to take it to the next level and actually allow people to purchase Escape Earth tickets for 2012.

“I hoped it would be fun or at least entertaining and maybe a fun novelty gift to give someone, as you actually receive the 2012 travel package in the mail.

Dowd admits he is “slightly poking fun at the hype surrounding a 2012 apocalypse,” but insists the site isn’t meant to offend anyone or to be taken seriously.

But some 2012 true believers like Robert Richardson fear that others may fall for Dowd’s product and believe incorrectly that he is prepared to transfer them away from Mother Earth should a planet-destroying calamity take place next winter.

Richardson, who runs Off Grid Survival, a website that helps people prepare for worst-case scenarios such as, well, the end of human civilization as we know it, recognizes that Dowd’s product is a novelty gift, but says a small percentage of humanity may throw good money after bad.

“I think some people don’t take things like the 2012 insurance as a joke, and I think the people selling it are more than aware of that fact,” Richardson said. “While the average person would never buy into believing in such a product, there is a small segment of the population that takes it very seriously. Look at the Heaven’s Gate cult who committed a mass suicide because of the Hale-Bopp Comet.

“I think products like that prey upon the weak and do a huge amount of damage to the survival/prepping movement.”

Richardson insists no one knows what will happen in the year 2012, but admits it bothers him when people exploit the date for financial gains.

“I think that it takes focus off the fact that people should be prepared for whatever is to come,” he said.

Meanwhile, 2012 survival advocate Peter Kling, author of “Letter to Earth: You Can Survive Armageddon!” (Eloquent Press), sees a benefit to products like Dowd’s.

“I’m doing everything I can to warn people, and a product like this brings more attention to it,” he said. “The media is using scare tactics.”

Dowd says he’s heard only one complaint from someone who found the product distasteful, which is why he offers money-back guarantees. However, they are available only to those who perish in an apocalyptic situation on Dec. 21, 2012.

“Obviously, that’s part of the absurdity,” he helpfully pointed out.

To the serious Mr. Richardson, I’d like to point out that while the Bible promises a world without end, it says nothing about it having any people on it. In other words, lighten up and enjoy the time you’ve got.

To the dour Mr. Kling, I would note that the reason the media comes off as using scare tactics is because the extinction of all sentient and related life forms in a single day makes for very poor comedy.

Go ahead, give it a try.

“Good evening nobody. I’m the last person alive on the planet. TA DAA!”

Nope. Not even a chuckle.

Look at it this way, if the world does end tomorrow, or any other day, there’s nothing you can do about it. So you may as well live as though your life has some meaning and enjoy the gifts that surround you.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!