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Long ago and far away, on November 10, 2010, the very first article I wrote about Japan was about how Domino’s Pizza was willing to pay $31,000 an hour for a pizza delivery person. If you search this blog for articles mentioning Japan you will end up with hours of reading pleasure. Or so I am told. You can just click the link if you’re lazy. Anyway, amongst the gems you will discover the joys of young girls riding giant penises down the street. That is a family activity in Japan. I tell you this in case you are looking for ways to spice up your next sushi experience. Certainly the flying knife displays at Benihana’s would become more dangerous and fun. Then again we are talking about a country that uses Kentucky Fried Chicken to sponsor Christmas, so maybe that whole “finger licking good” thing just carries over.

The world may never know.

One thing it does know is that perfectly innocent things go to Japan and come back in need of therapy. For example, there is a Disney World in Japan. When you go there you can see all the Disney princesses, just like you can at any other Disney owned park. What’s different in Japan is that after you meet the princesses you can own their underwear.

You thought I was kidding didn’t you?

Online retailer Bellemaison features the Disney Fantasy Shop, a section that sells lingerie in designs inspired by Disney’s princesses. Each pair includes a carefully crafted bra and pair of panties that are intricately lined with lace, and made more vibrant with pastel colors. In some designs, bra straps are equally decorative with hues that sometimes complement the cups.

If you read Japanese you can order online by clicking the company’s link above.

If you do please send us pics so we know what they look like on humans.

Of course now that you’re festooned in your princess panties you need to do something romantic to make the evening worthwhile. Thanks to the fact you’re in Japan now, just go with me on this, you need not buy wine, order food or even go see a movie. No, all you need to do is let your significant other drop by and have him/her lick your eyeballs.

Oh, sure, the Japanese don’t actually do that, despite the stories to the contrary, but there’s nothing preventing you from starting a trend.

After all, once they start at the eyeballs who knows where they’ll end up?

Probably by moistening your pretty princess panties.

Anyway, one thing that has been a tradition in Japan for over a thousand years (unlike eyeball licking) has been the history of the ninjas. Ninjas, in pop culture, are mostly sword wielding assassins who want to kill Batman. Mostly employed by Ra’s al Ghul. Who, oddly enough, isn’t Asian at all.

In the real world, and yes they do exist, their legacy is a touch more complicated. Yes, they killed people but they also protected them. Also, ninjas would use any means necessary to accomplish their goals. If that meant shooting you in your sleep, so be it.

But now the tradition of Ninjutsu may be passing into the setting sun. Jinichi Kawakami, the last living ninja, has decided not to train a successor.

Masters in the dark arts of espionage and silent assassination, they are rarely seen and never heard… until they strike.

Employed by samurai warlords to spy, sabotage and kill, they are relics of an ancient code that have all but died out in the modern age.

All but one. As the 21st head of the Ban clan, a dynasty of secret spies that can trace its history back some 500 years, 63-year-old engineer Jinichi Kawakami is Japan’s last ninja.

He is trained to hear a needle drop in the next room, to disappear in a cloud of smoke or to cut a victim’s throat from 20 paces with nothing more than a two-inch ‘death star’.

‘I think I’m called (the last ninja) as there is probably no other person who learned all the skills that were directly handed down from ninja masters over the last five centuries,’ he said. ‘Ninjas proper no longer exist.’

But Kawakami has decided to let the art die with him because ninjas ‘just don’t fit with modern day’, adding: ‘We can’t try out murder or poisons. Even if we can follow the instructions to make a poison, we can’t try it out.’

An engineer by trade, Kawakami started practicing the art of Ninjutsu at the age of six before he began training under the gruelling regime of Buddhist master Masazo Ishida.

To improve his concentration, he would spend hours staring into the flame of a candle until he felt he was inside it.

To hone his hearing he would practice listening to a needle being dropped onto a wooden floor in the next room.

He climbed walls, jumped from heights and learned how to mix chemicals to cause explosions and smoke.

He was also trained to withstand extreme heat and cold as well as go for days without food or water.

‘The training was all tough and painful. It wasn’t fun but I didn’t think much why I was doing it. Training was made to be part of my life,’ he said.

And at the age of 19, he inherited his master’s title along with a cache of secret scrolls and ancient tools.

But he says the art of the ninja lies in the power of surprise, never brute force or outward strength and is about exploiting weaknesses to outfox larger, more powerful opponents while distracting their attention to get the upper hand.

And, he says, the ability to hide in the most unlikely of places is a ninja’s greatest weapon.

‘If you throw a toothpick, people will look that way, giving you the chance to flee, he adds. ‘We also have a saying that it is possible to escape death by perching on your enemy’s eyelashes; it means you are so close that he cannot see you.’

Kawakami now runs the Iga-ryu Ninja Museum, in Iga, 220 miles southwest of Tokyo and recently began a research job at the state-run Mie University, where he is studying the history of ninjas.

He says he has decided not to take on an apprentice to pass on the legacy, making him the last in the line of Ban clan ninjas.

Ninjas, also known as shinobi, have been feared and revered throughout history for their talents as assassins, scouts and spies.

They are mainly noted for their use of stealth and deception but also for their amazing powers of endurance.

Ninjutsu can be translated as ‘Art of Stealth’ but also means ‘Art of Enduring’ and the ninjas themselves were noted for being able to walk long distances without stopping, jump over seven feet and dislocate their joints to escape from small spaces.

But they are not only ruthless killers as depicted in so many Hollywood movies.

In fact, ninjas considered the art of espionage far greater than that of fighting which was always a last resort – ninjas were skilled in spying and defeating foes using intelligence, while swinging a sword was deemed a lower art.

But if necessary, they had to be experts with weapons such as shuriken, a sharpened star-shaped projectile, and the fukiya blowpipe, usually filled with a poison dart.

And they were also skilled at making both poisons and medicines.

Excluding the whole killing thing those are the same skills taught to Boy & Girl Scouts the world over. Just in case you’re ever thinking of messing with a Scout.

There is no word, and God knows I looked for one, as to why he’s refusing to train a successor. I’m sure it would be an interesting reason but, no matter what it is, the decision is his and his alone.

And so, like many things the west doesn’t truly understand, another part of a colorful universe fades to black.

Unlike your pretty princess panties which will, ultimately, fade to beige.

Desperate House DJs – Back to Brooklyn from Bill McCormick on Vimeo.

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I have a new neighbor. He moved in a couple of months ago. It took me about 11 seconds to decide he was a douche. Maybe 12. Anyway, 2 weeks ago he introduced me to his girlfriend. She, politely, pointed out that they were on their way to their first date (Olive Garden according to him) and weren’t actually in a relationship. Just consider this moment as added evidence to his douche-baggery. Especially the whole Olive Garden thing. Set aside the fact that the food sucks, “Here baby, have some free salad” isn’t all that romantic. Okay, back on point. Yesterday the nice lady, and she is very nice, broke up with him. In the hallway. She claimed, surprise surprise, that he was a drama queen and given to over-reactions. She then turned on heel and walked away while he started crying over the lost love of his life. Yes, I remind you that this is two weeks in. He cried for five hours. At times sobbing. At times wailing and at times making this keening noise akin to brake failure on a freight train. Then, because we are discussing a man who’s in complete control of his emotions and social behavior, cranked up a boom box and began playing Royals for the next three hours. Obviously nothing says “lost love” like a song that has nothing to do with love, lost or otherwise.

I used to like that song.

Nevertheless, while the douche-bag may be destined to a short shelf life no matter what he does, others have success that lasts decades. I am limiting this blog to five bands that have, as best as possible, stayed together for the long haul. Solo performers have it much easier. Bands are, essentially, caravans of gypsies. Yes the wagons get nicer when you’re successful but life on the road isn’t a first class ticket to sing at a hotel no matter how well appointed the bus may be.

Here we go.

(1) The Rolling Stones. Founded in 1962, they haven’t been relevant since 1978, on the Some Girls tour, and now they charge $250 or better to see them live, but back in the day the Glitter Twins made some of the best rock and roll on the planet, with Her Majesty’s Request being an admitted mistake, and changed the way millions of people thought about music. Even on the Some Girls tour, which I saw, tickets were reasonable and you could win them, as I did, on WLUP, which was also relevant back then. However, just as the Stones were set to slide into obscurity or playing corner bars for kicks, CLASSIC ROCK was born. Radio geared for a target audience of middle aged white men with money. More importantly middle aged white men with families that they had to introduce to their favorite music. The Stones figured that whatever these idiots would pay to see a football game, about $100 a pop when they started these stadium tours, that’s what they would charge. That is still their philosophy. God bless them.

(2) Parliament Funkadelic. Started in the late 50’s by George Clinton as a doo-wop group they morphed into two of the greatest funk collectives ever known, Parliament and Funkadelic (until 1972 they were on different labels although they were actually the same band – well, it was the 70’s, there was lots of confusion). The Parliament side of the group was the more pop sounding affair while Funkadelic took psychedelia and R&B and fused them into art. The collective spawned Bootsy’s Rubber Band, The Brides of Funkenstein and several others. But the original group, including the latest iteration of it’s famous mothership is still playing selected dates. So the next time someone tells you they’re gonna turn this mutha out, you can thank George Clinton and his merry band of miscreants.

(3) ZZ Top. Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill & Frank Beard hooked up in 1969 in Houston Texas. Utilizing three chords, one beat and vocals that barely spanned four notes, forget about an octave, they became the unlikely darlings of the working class. Considering that the singers look more like Hasidic rabbis than rockers, unlikely may be an understatement. Still, by the mid-70’s they were selling out stadiums performing shows that featured live bulls, a stage shaped like Texas (this was before Texas went insane) and convincing teenage girls to take off tier tops for ZZ Top. I know, I was there. I haven’t see that many tits outside of a strip club in my life. My buddy, who was, and is, older and wiser than me advised me to go without a date. Dear God was that a good call. If you couldn’t get laid at a ZZ Top concert it’s off to the monastery for you. But if boobs aren’t your thing, here’s some Tush. Something else that was on display in great abundance that day.

(4) The Stranglers. Classically trained punk band may seem like an oxymoron, but this multi-million selling group (that you probably never heard of) has made it work for 40 straight years of touring. Think about that. 40 years on the road. No breaks, no year off here or there, just 40 years of non-stop rock and roll. Their first single that hit late night radio in the U.S. in 1977 was called Get a Grip and it changed my fucking religion. The band had already been touring Europe for three years at that time. Unlike the other bands noted above The Stranglers kept writing, kept being political, never shied from satire and saw their drummer celebrate his 75th birthday by appearing in their latest music video, a catchy rip on climate change deniers. Anyway, 2014 is their 40th Anniversary tour, catch them if you can. It used to be that if you left a Stranglers show without being bloodied or bruised you weren’t really there (I still have the scar). Things are a little calmer now.

(5) Shonen Knife. These are the youngsters here today, another million selling act most Americans don’t know. Founded in 1981 these three young ladies epitomize Japanese pop music. They also epitomize raw punk. You see they do the, Cheap Trick influenced, girly stuff for their label, some very cute pop songs that sell kazillions, and then they pull out their strap ons and leathers (not literally) and go play live. It is here that I should mention that Shonen Knife literally translates to Boy Knife. That is not a flattering phrase for a penis, just in case you’re confused. To put it in some perspective they almost didn’t do a U.K. tour with Nirvana because they were scary looking men and they had no clue who they were (this was pre Never Mind). Here is Yamano’s take on the whole affair, ” … I went to a record store, and I bought their CD. And when I saw their photograph, I thought they might be scary persons, because their hairstyles and their clothes were very grunge. But once the tour had started, I noticed that all the members were nice, good persons. And because this was our first experience of a long tour, the drummer Dave [Grohl] helped us with setting up the drum kit.”

Yeah, the only thing cooler than having Trent Reznor be your tambourine player has got to be having Nirvana be your roadies.

So there you go. Click the links, play with fire, date a red head (only if you’re single), hell, do whatever you want, you’ve lived long enough to take a chance here and there.

As have they.

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