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Penis Envy Anyone?

January 8, 2012 by

Can you believe she's still single?
Life is full of wonderful mysteries, things that can cause awe and terror – often simultaneously. Some people stare at the night sky and imagine what could be contained there. Others scan the mighty oceans and try to fathom how those alien creatures of the deep could be related to us. Still others delve into the mysteries of the mind and attempt to unlock the demons that plague us so that we can finally put the irrational behind us. All of these people attempt to ascertain worthy goals. As such they will be roundly ignored here. Instead, you and I are going to talk about penises. Believe it or not we are doing this by request since, as a few of our female readers noticed, I seem to be fascinated with boobs and there should be some equal time given to another point of view.

Fair enough.

And since Ron White has already proven, via the scientific method, that all men are gay and it’s just a matter of degree, we won’t bore you with flaccid lumps of flesh. Nope, we’re going straight – if I may use that term – for the rock hard turgid members of man meat.

Now that we’ve all agreed that we want an erect penis, what’s the best way to get one? The answer may not be what you think. Diane Mapes of MSNBC reports that poison spider bites may be the best thing going.

Most of us get a little excited when we see a big spider, but for the unfortunate few who fall victim to the bite of the daunting Brazilian wandering spider, that “excitement” takes on a whole new meaning: The venom of the wandering spider — also known as the banana spider (or more formally Phoneutria nigriventer) causes erections in men.

“The venom of the P. nigriventer spider is a very rich mixture of several molecules,” says Dr. Kenia Nunes, a physiologist at the Medical College of Georgia who is currently studying the odd side effect. “These molecules are called toxins, and then we have various toxins in this venom with different activity. Because of this, when a human is bitten by this spider, we can observe many different symptoms including priapism, a condition in which the penis is continually erect.”

In addition to the hours-long painful erection, the wandering spider’s bite can cause loss of muscle control, severe pain, difficulty breathing and, if not treated, death, due to oxygen deprivation (with anti-venom, the victim usually recovers within a week.)

Luckily, deaths from this impressive creature – it boasts a leg span of four to five inches – aren’t all that common. According to a website maintained by Rod Crawford, curator of arachnids at the University of Washington’s Burke Museum, “authoritative sources state that over 7,000 authentic cases of human bites from these spiders have been recorded, with only around 10 known deaths.”

Usually found on banana plantations in the tropics, wandering spiders do tend to, uh, wander, though, with recent sightings reported at a Whole Foods in Tulsa, Oklahoma and an IGA store in Russell, Manitoba and a biting reported in Somerset, England in 2005.

But while the spider’s bite may be painful – or even deadly — its oddball venom may actually prove to be a valuable asset when it comes to treating erectile dysfunction in men.

“In Brazil, we have several reports of human accidents involving this spider and priapism as a symptom,” says Nunes, who recently published a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine on the spider venom and its potential use in treating ED. “So we started to investigate which part of the venom – which toxin – would be responsible for this symptom. We found the toxin responsible and performed experiments using hypertensive rats which have severe erectile dysfunction. The toxin was able to normalize the erectile function in these animals.”

After isolating the toxin (known as PnTx2-6), Nunes and her colleagues then studied the mechanism of action and found that the toxin acts in a different pathway as compared with other erectile dysfunction drugs, such as Viagra.

“This is good because we know that some patients don’t respond to the conventional therapy,” she says. “This could be an optional treatment for them.”

Does the Brazilian wandering spider venom hold any potential benefits for sexually dysfunctional women?

Nunes says she hasn’t performed any experiments “to investigate the action of this toxin in females yet,” but she intends to do it “soon.”

Sorry Doctor, that’s not soon enough! I want to see women being randomly injected with spider venom by next week.

Or not, whatever works for you.

By the way, was I the only one who laughed when the article mentioned that the bite can cause death but, if you get the anti-venom, that can be cured within a week? I’m thinking that may be the more impressive drug.

“Hey Bob, you’re looking much better now.”

“Thanks Al, yeah, being dead for a week took a lot out of me but I should be ready for tennis again next Tuesday.”

Of course, just having an erection isn’t a guarantee of happiness or pleasure. Rachael Rettner says that just waving the magic wand isn’t enough.

And, yes, 3 out of 4 articles cited today are written by women. Live with it. They like our spiffy penises almost as much as we do.

A large percentage of men with erectile dysfunction (ED) also suffer from other sexual problems that can’t be treated with drugs, a new study says.

The results show 65 percent of men with ED are unable to have an orgasm, and 58 percent have problems with ejaculation.

Approximately 30 million American men, or half of all men ages 40 to 70, have ED, or trouble achieving or sustaining an erection, the researchers said.

While medications may help some men maintain an erection, “our research suggests there are other common sexual issues that remain largely unaddressed,” said Dr. Darius Paduch, a urologist at New York-Presbyterian Hospital.

“We must expand the definition of quality of life when it comes to sexual performance,” Paduch said. “For the last few decades, we have focused on penile rigidity, with erection as a synonym of normal sexual function. However, many patients say that problems with ejaculation — like decreased force or volume or decreased sensation of orgasm — are just as critical.”

I can see that. At some point you want the moment to end. After all, you don’t come with batteries, you need tickling.

Sorry, old joke.

But what happens when you can’t close the deal? When the darn thing’s getting rubbed raw from overuse and still won’t go down.

Speaking of not going down …. never mind.

Anyway, as it turns out those funny 4 hour warnings aren’t so funny. Our penis loving gal pal Diane Mapes has the story.

We’ve all heard those warnings at the end of Viagra, Cialis or Levitra commercials about contacting your doctor if you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours (prompting many a joker to declare, “the hell with the doctor, I’m calling my friends!”).

But priapism, a prolonged erection unaccompanied by sexual desire and unaffected by orgasm, is actually no laughing matter.

“A prolonged erection is usually painful,” says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California at San Francisco and spokesperson for the American Urological Association. “Men usually know something’s wrong even if they’ve never heard of this condition, and almost always come in for care because of the pain. There are some men who don’t want to go to the doctor or an emergency room, but they should know that it’s a potentially serious condition which can result in permanent erectile dysfunction if it’s not taken care of.”

Named for Priapus, the Greek god of fertility who sported an oversized, eternally-erect penis (so large, in fact, he used it to frighten away anyone who tried to plunder his gardens), priapism brought on by erectile dysfunction drugs is extremely rare.

“The [Food and Drug Administration] requires a warning in the package insert because of the potential complication, but I’ve been prescribing Viagra for 10 years to many thousands of men and have never seen a case,” says Sharlip, who maintains a private urology practice in San Francisco. “It does happen even in men who aren’t taking erection drugs – I’ve taken care of the problem at the emergency room at the medical center where I work — but it’s really rare. So rare, that I don’t discuss this as a potential complication with my patients.”

Rough statistics from the FDA’s adverse event reporting system (AERS) regarding the erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs Viagra, Cialis and Levitra show a total of just 93 cases of prolonged erection greater than four hours or painful erection greater than six hours (priapism) in all of 2007 — 74 for Viagra, three for Levitra and 16 for Cialis. According to the FDA, physicians are encouraged to report suspected adverse events, although the event may be related to an underlying disease, another drug or simple chance.

Priapism is much more commonly seen in conjunction with penile injection therapy (an alternate treatment for ED), blood diseases such as leukemia or sickle-cell anemia, injury or trauma to the penis, spinal cord injuries, or as a side effect to certain drugs such as the antidepressant trazadone. The condition is found in all age groups, including children (usually in association with leukemia). There are also extremely rare cases of priapism in females (known as clitorism). A recent msnbc.com column dealth with a 70-year-old man who thought he had a form of priapism.

To understand priapism, it’s important to first understand the mechanics of an erection, which occurs when the blood vessels of the penis relax and open. ED drugs like Viagra don’t trigger erection — you need some kind of sexual stimulation for that — but they definitely set the stage by increasing enzyme actions in the erection chambers. Once the stage is set (via a little blue pill and a few soft lights, a hint of lingerie, and the musical stylings of Barry White), the spongy tissues along the length of the penis fill with blood and harden and the veins leaving the penis constrict.

Unfortunately, in the small percentage of men suffering from priapism, the system goes haywire and they’re unable to get rid of their erection once it shows up. In a nutshell, blood can get in but it can’t get out, a condition that sounds a bit like one of those old Roach Motel commercials, but is actually quite serious.

“If an erection is left in place for more than 12 hours, damage to the tissue in the erection chambers can occur,” says Sharlip. “It can be a cause of serious erectile dysfunction. They may be able to get a partial erection in the future, but not a full erection.”

All right, so too much of a good thing is just like too much of anything. It will probably kill you but before it does it will make your life a living hell.

Given the amazing amount of ways an improperly cared for penis can kill a guy you’d think that it would be the one thing men would go out of their way to care for. Brian Alexander says it ain’t so as he relates the story of a guy who decided it would be good fun to have thousands of needles jabbed into his Johnson.

You’d think somebody repeatedly sticking a needle in your penis would be a little off-putting, but the 21-year-old Iranian apparently thought it would be a grand idea to have Persian script reading borow be salaamat (good luck on your journeys), and the first initial of his girlfriend’s last name (“M”) tattooed onto his little gentleman.

He was left with a permanent semi-erection as a reminder of just how good the idea was.

His case raises a number of questions, not least whether the wish for good luck is directed to the penis or to the man, and if it’s to the penis, where, exactly, is it going? But, medically speaking, how could getting penis ink give make the organ go haywire?

The answer rests in the traditional technique the man subjected himself to. “Handheld needles are used and there is no control of the depth of the needle,” Iranian urologists reported in the most recent Journal of Sexual Medicine. “Henna, ash, and other natural pigments are used by traditional tattooists. They first use their needles to penetrate the skin. Then they apply the coloring material on the perforated skin surface.”

Naturally, this proved painful. After several days, the pain subsided. Soon after it did, though, the man noticed that his nighttime woodies were lasting a long time. A week later, he had a 24/7 priapic erection.

As erectile dysfunction pill commercials constantly remind us, non-sex-related erections lasting longer than four hours are dangerous for penises. The lack of fresh blood flow can starve the spongy tissues of oxygen, destroying them and resulting in impotence.

There are two types of priapism, ischemic and non-ischemic, according to UCLA urologist Dr. Jeffrey Bassett. In a normal erection, blood flows into the penis via arteries, and as pressure builds, the veins leading out are temporarily blocked. In ischemic priapism, the veins don’t open up again.

In non-ischemic priapism, the veins allow blood out of the penile tissue, but too much blood is flowing in via the arteries and the veins can’t keep up. So blood pressure builds. This isn’t as dangerous since fresh blood is coming in all the time, but it can be pretty inconvenient. If it doesn’t resolve, either on its own or with treatment, it can cause damage in some cases.

Bassett once treated a 24-year-old skateboarder who’d traumatized his pelvic area in a skate accident. It tuned out that the injury caused a blood vessel fistula that interfered with normal flow into and out of the penis.

According to the Iranian doctors, this is what happened to the young man. The tattooist punctured too-deep holes that damaged vessels in the penis, resulting in fistulas, and then a pseudoaneurysm, a pooling of blood outside a vessel wall. They recommended he see a specialist to have the blood removed, but he rejected that idea and saw another doctor to have a shunt procedure performed. It didn’t work.

Since the fellow is still able to have sex, and achieve a more-or-less normal erection, he’s rejected any more treatments, even the one his urologists recommended in the first place.

In one of those statements you’d think nobody would actually have to make, the Iranian doctors wrote “based on our unique case, we discourage penile tattooing.”

Running face first into an operating propeller may cause injury would seem to be a more needed warning sign all things considered. I know that I have occasionally let my penis go places it shouldn’t but I never actually put it in harm’s way.

At least not intentionally.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1aT6vKXNlA&w=560&h=315]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280,
every Friday morning around 9:10!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Penis + Mouth = FUN!!

March 21, 2011 by

That seems to about cover it.
That seems to about cover it.
There are some mornings where I get up and decide not to further the precepts of journalistic integrity, or to broaden the intellectual horizons of the denizens of Earth, but to ensure that our producers still have their lawyers on speed dial. This is good for all of us. It helps me release any pent up aggressions I may have in a safe manner that does not involve the police. Or hookers. Or both. It helps our producers by making sure that their hearts get a full cardio work out before they even think about that first cup of coffee. And it helps you because you’ll end up reading stuff that you’ll be able to talk about all day. Bonus, it’ll make any conversation you partake in far more interesting than anything anyone else discusses.

THEM: “Hey gang, how bout dem Cubs?”

YOU: “Has anyone else tried the boiled eggs marinated in the urine of young boys?”

See what I mean?

And, as long as we’re on the subject, let’s head over to my favorite Chinese correspondent, Lycurgus, for an eggcellent article about the aforementioned eggs.

Of all the cultures in the world, you have to respect China for never letting go of thousands-of-years-old customs, even when it involves boiling eggs in the urine of young boys.

In Dongyang, Zhejiang province, which is located in eastern China, local chefs are staying positive in their hope that this local dish, which has been considered a delicacy for the past several thousand years, will catch on worldwide. As an inhabitant of a world that worships the alter of Ronald McDonald, I’m pretty certain it won’t make it over to the states.

The recipe is quite simple, really: take the urine of boys under ten years of age (local schools are a good source of unclaimed urine), boil the eggs in their urine, first with their shells then sans shell for a full day and night. Consume. Then realize you just ate a pee egg.

According to Lu Ming, one of the chefs responsible for this dish, the eggs, in addition to being a tasty treat (allegedly), possess certain curative powers. Some of their attributes include the ability to stop fevers and serve as a “pick me up” if you’re feeling tired. Honestly, I’d prefer a Red Bull, as the taste of carbonated battery acid is only slightly less nauseating than urine.

Only time will tell if they’ll become “the next big thing” in other parts of the world. Mass exporting is currently under way in attempt to spread the local delicacy beyond Chinese borders.

I realize that by printing the recipe many of you will feel safe in bypassing the import fees and making these yourself. To which I say, go right ahead. Just don’t invite me to dinner.

If, however, you prefer your penises to be more mature and involved in more mature acts, then Diesel Fashions in India has just what you need. Weird Asia News reports that they are selling, purpose specific, knee pads.

Italian designer Diesel, known primarily for appealing to young adults who think wearing a specific brand will make them cool, are offering Diesel-brand kneepads in India if you purchase $150 worth of merchandise.

Why kneepads? Well, you don’t want your knees to get sore when going to down on your man, now do you?

Yes, Diesel is offering a free set of kneepads designed specifically for giving blowjobs. Considering they look like normal kneepads, one can only assume that the appeal is centered strictly on the brand and not the sense of pride one might get from having the foresight to protect your knees while performing a sexual act considered illegal in approximately half the country.

The beauty of this product lies not in its function but in its packaging. The packaging on the inside features a red background and a woman’s open mouth, in case you forgot what function the kneepads are supposed to have. On the outside we’re treated to a throwback to old ads of the fifties, including marketing slogans such as “knee caps for better head” and “buy one and get one pearl necklace free.”

One can only imagine how something like this would go over in America, where anything sexual is immediately demonized while disembowelment and extreme acts of violence are perfectly welcome. I’d guess not well.

Stay classy, Diesel.

Given the massive population explosion in India right now, I think this sort of behavior should be encouraged. I also think that this Public Service Announcement should be shown in every school in the world. It would solve all sorts of problems.

Knee pads and lube for a better world? Why not?

Nevertheless, I know there is a sub-sect of humans who like their penises only in the abstract. It’s a fine idea, they think, but they’d prefer that it not be attached to a smelly man. These people also spend far too much time on cell phones. Fortunately for them, or you as the case may be, Hiroshi Ishiguro had all this in mind when he designed his new cell phone.

Cellular phones have evolved in very odd ways. From the standard brick-sized “Zack Morris” phone of the early nineties to flip phones to phones capable of pinpointing your exact location on a satellite map, the next logical step can only be a phone shaped like a human that features absolutely no keyboard or dialpad…right?

As is customary, Japan has unveiled something very weird and mostly useless. Hiroshi Ishiguro and a group of Japanese researchers from Osaka University have developed a cell phone shaped like a human being. The primary function of the phone isn’t to be useful, but instead to give the user the impression that the user is talking to more than just a signal through a speaker but a real person. I can imagine the only people who would want to use this phone are the very lonely.

The phone, named “Elfoid,” is designed sans keyboard or dialpad, and contains nothing more than a speaker and an LED light on its chest. The light turns blue when the phone is in use and red when in standby mode. Thankfully, the phone doesn’t move, but if for some reason future versions get made, the researchers hope to instill the phone with an eerie form of artificial intelligence, such as motors and shape-memory components, with the ultimate goal being user emotion and movement transference from phone to phone.

Elfoid will not be able to slowly gain sentience and take over the world for the next five or so years, and researchers are promising even more features, such as an accelerometer, temperature sensors, and image and voice recognition functions. Whispering sweet nothings into your ear while you sleep is optional.

When you put the head of the phone to your ear, the feet of the phone extend past your chin leaving the robo-penis firmly placed by your lips.

Isn’t that convenient?

“Mom? What’s that weird sucking sound I keep hearing?”

“Must be a bad connection dear. Just ignore it.”

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Ad Nauseam

May 25, 2022 by Bill McCormick

Really, it’s true, we don’t have to yell.

This is a bit of a read but, and this should help you make it through, it is laden with facts and real world solutions. Yes, I’m talking about guns. No, I’m not asking the gun fairy to make them disappear. This is broken out into three parts. The first section is my opinion with clear reasons stated for having same. The second section involves me leaving my safety zone and joining a group of dedicated NRA members to discuss gun control. You may scoff, but I was glad I did it then and am still glad to this day. Simply put, I learned to separate the corporate megalith that hands out money to anyone who helps them sell guns from the people who are just trying to protect what they have. So we’re clear, none of the people I spoke with carry AR-15s to Taco Bell. But some do own pretty impressive arsenals which they keep under lock and key at home. And then there was me. Back on January 12, 2013, I summed up that day. Before I revisit that conversation, and its results, I’d like to make a couple of things clear. [Read more…] about Ad Nauseam

Filed Under: News Tagged With: guns, insurance, mass shooting, nra

Making Love Louder

June 25, 2018 by Bill McCormick

Over 100 churches banded together to support LGBTQ people at the Pride Parade in Chicago.
Yesterday the World News Center’s official girlfriend and I joined the Center for Inclusivity as part of a group to allow parade participants to pass by a group of protesters without having to hear their hateful speech. And, dear God, was it hateful. This was our second year doing this and it seems to be becoming more important than ever for those of us not directly impacted by their hate to stand up, stand firm, and denounce it. For the record, it worked. Denied the ability to call marchers fags and dykes, admitting they refused to accept transexuals at all, and proclaiming anything else their limited vocabularies could disgorge, they took their megaphones and went home before the parade ended. So score one for the pride people. For that I am grateful. But listening to their litany of perceived affronts became draining after a while. Especially, as they blathered on, it became apparent they had no clue what they were actually talking about. It was just one hate filled fallacy after another. And, worse, it was scattered all across the bile spectrum. They were there to hate gays, of course, but also a laundry list of others.

Like I said, they hate the gays. They also, to a one, had an unhealthy fascination with anal sex. One man, an Indian who seemed unclear what was in the book he was misquoting, repeated this phrase numerous times in his allotted time; “There is a penis, you put it in an anus, are you insane?” He yelled it in case saying it wasn’t clear enough. All of the speakers seemed very concerned with this as well, clearly not realizing that anal sex is really popular with straight people too. If subtle jibes such as these didn’t persuade “the gays” to give up their “lifestyle” they resorted to name calling, body shaming (I lost count of how many people, including my girlfriend, they called fat), and pointing out that ALL homosexuals are severely depressed and kill themselves whenever they get the chance. Yeah, these assholes aren’t getting invited to any parties I’ll ever hold.

But that’s not all. They hate Muslims. With a dripping passion. Calling them animals and inhuman at every turn. You know, 9/11 ya’ll, but nary a word about the numerous people who’ve been killed by home grown terrorists. A number which far outstrips anything that happened on 9/11.

And, don’t worry, they didn’t forget the Catholics. Which was funny to me since the bible they cherry pick hate from is the one created by the Catholic church. Anyway, all priests are pedophiles. As are all gays. Therefore all gays are Catholic.

Got it? Yeah, don’t feel bad, neither did I.

That’s like “dogs scratch their heads when they itch, men scratch their heads when they think, therefore thinking causes fleas.”

I suppose I’d better not tell them about the gay saints Sergius and Bacchus. Not that they could pronounce their names anyway but they have enough on their hate plate for now.

They also added any allies to their pile. Cops who won’t kill gays for being gay? They must be purged. Businesses that serve gays? They must be shuttered. Boy Scouts who refuse to toe their restrictive line? They must be shunned as the moral deficients they clearly are. Religions which actually adhere to the teachings of Christ, who had nothing to say about “the gays” but a lot to say about false prophets, must be destroyed in fire.

These folks are really big into eternal fire. Almost as much as they are into anal sex. Plus they seem fond of guns too, 2nd Amendment Solutions seems to be a trademark of theirs, but didn’t have any yesterday.

Also, good news for the double X chromosomes among us, they didn’t forget women. Even going so far as to have their token representative from the Handmaids’ Tale there to remind women to dress down and be subservient. Or, as the witty one of the group reminded us, women need to get back in the kitchen where they belong. Let’s just say they’re not really enlightened and leave it at that.

Nor did they forget “the blacks.” Accusing them of all sorts of easily debunked myths. The odd part of this rant, which was echoed by all of them, is that black lives don’t matter because black women have abortions. Anyone else, not black, who has one was conveniently left out of their screed.

Thank God racism is dead.

Speaking of God, they thanked Him, conveniently ignoring the biblical Asherah, for presidents Bush and Trump. It is the latter who is helping bring back the moral America they pretend once existed.

I’ll ignore the lengthy litany of facts proving contrariwise here and just move on.

On and on it went, finally devolving into a bizarre form of Kabuki theater. They would ramp up the vitriol, those with us would ramp up the volume, the latter would drown out the former, and the marchers would come by and do stuff just to piss off the protesters. Men would kiss men, women would kiss women, one dude kissed me, many glorious asses, of all gender identities, took a moment out of their busy day to twerk in the direction of the Nazi wannabes, various and sundry middle fingers were raised, and, at the end of the day, all of the people who weren’t Nazi wannabes had a great time.

The thing about the protesters is that they’re not there to accomplish anything. They want a confrontation. They want someone to go off on them. They want proof that the people they marginalize are animals and should be treated as such.

They didn’t get that yesterday. They never have. I doubt they ever will. You see, unlike them, the people they hate are civilized.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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Filed Under: News Tagged With: chicago, gay, lgbtq, parade, pride

Stop With All Your Ish … tar

March 30, 2018 by Bill McCormick

That's the Easter bunny of my youth. How about yours?
That’s the Easter bunny of my youth. How about yours?
I know that people get so excited when something seems to agree with their narrow view that they neglect to check the facts. It’s why, and how, the Tea Party thrives. That being said, atheists and rationalists are allegedly the people who live on facts and facts alone. I used to count myself among their number until I realized that if I was the most evolved creature in the universe then the universe was fucked. Therefore, while I subscribe to no particular religion, I do believe in God. I also believe in facts. I understand that making fun of people who believe in God is fun to do and that American Evangelical Christians and the Taliban, two like minded groups, are easy targets. Still I do expect a little more out of my non-believing friends. If you are going to belittle me please do so based on reality. I can live with that. Anyway, about four Easters ago I wrote about the whole Ishtar meme that seems to captivate those people who hate believers and facts with equal verve. Since it’s popping up again I’m tossing this blog up again.

Happy Easter.

****************

Last year I wrote about the history of Easter. Mostly how it came to get that name since there is no such word in the Bible. Long story short, the holiday got blended with the Pagan celebration of the goddess Ostara a/k/a Eastre. She was, still is I would guess, a fertility goddess so the whole rebirth / resurrection theme fit well with the pagans of the day. And, while odd at its face, the whole eggs, bunnies and resurrection theme has had it’s uses. As I also noted the tradition of handing out eggs replaced human sacrifice. So that was some good news for folks. And, since the traditions were already mangled, Eastern Europeans now celebrate Easter with some fun S&M. Because nothing says “Jesus died for your sins” like a day filled with a few rounds of spank and tickle with a smoking hot brunette. These are the same people who celebrate a child eating demi-god for Christmas, so it all makes sense to them.

Some folks wrote to me to let me know that I had missed the whole Ishtar connection. Since there isn’t one, no, I didn’t. I’ll let Megan Mcardle explain.

My unfavorite new Facebook meme is this bit of sillyness which has apparently been spotted everywhere from the feeds of my college friends to (allegedly) that of Richard Dawkins’ Foundation for Reason and Science:

I immediately knew that this was a bit of nonsense for the simple reason that Easter is an English word. The Greeks and Romans called it Pascha, which is why Easter is Pasqua in Italian, Pascua in Spanish, and Paques in French. How exactly did the name of a Canaanite fertility goddess skip all the way to England from the Middle East without stopping in Rome or Byzantium?

There was (is?) a goddess named Ishatr and she seems to, loosely, be the basis for the goddess Ostara mentioned above but that’s about it. You’re covering about 2,500 years to get from point A to point B just in the names. As to the whole litany of other things allegedly associated with her, they are just wrong. She was noted for killing her lovers, making the animals she had sex with impotent and pissing off Gilgamesh.

That’s not exactly how the story of Jesus’ rebirth goes. Trust me, I’ve read it.

Just because words are homonyms doesn’t mean they mean the same thing. Otherwise anti, ante and auntie would make for interesting families.

“Hi, this is my uncle and antimatter.”

Your great antediluvian.

I digress.

One thing that amazes me is the fact that people seem surprised that Christian holidays have pagan associations. Christianity, for all its many faults, is the most inclusive religion in the world. Initially that inclusion was simply practical. They couldn’t just conquer everyone so they needed to meet them half way if they were going to increase the size of the flock.

And, yes, it is true that Christianity has been the source of some horrid atrocities as well. Just ask a Gnostic if you can find one. People will angrily point that fact out every Christian holiday too.

Face it, Christianity is a roiling dichotomy. It has been since Saul who became Paul donned his sandals on the road to Damascus. That isn’t going to change any time soon.

In the end I look at it this way; there are enough true things associated with religions that I don’t need to make any up. And if you think eggs and bunnies are weird, you just haven’t been to a good penis festival yet.

“Legend Of The Golden Egg Warrior” from CRUSH on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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Filed Under: News Tagged With: bunny, catholic, easter, holiday, ishtar

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