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Guys are already beaten senseless about how crude we are. We’re easy bait for comics, the fact that we may like to go commando brings out veritable ads for laundry detergent, the whole idea of a man asking for directions is linked to some genetic defect due to the amount of sperm we carry and so on. Like it’s our fault we come fully loaded. Knowing this, can we be surprised that a jury, led by 6 women who threatened 6 men, told a guy who’d just lost his penis that he should just shut up and go home and cook? After all, what’s the big deal? He’s just a guy. It’s not like he has anything to offer society.

While only an idiot would claim that men have been the benevolent overlords for the planet, there is still this new streak of meanness towards men that makes the Tea Party’s vitriol concerning our president seem subtle. There are numerous, poorly designed, websites designed to male bashing. Even CNN has jumped on the bandwagon by offering men advice how to appeal to women without acting like … well, without acting like guys.

But humor is one thing, now this attitude is starting to creep into the actions of real life. Jay Ditzer, yes, that’s his real name, tells of a guy who’s Kentucky GF beat him with a brick because … well, because she wasn’t really pregnant.

Police said two people got into a physical altercation when a woman went to her ex-boyfriend’s house to tell him she was pregnant — even though she wasn’t.

According to arrest records, 20-year-old Charity Moore went to her ex-boyfriend’s house on Monday to tell him she was pregnant.

Police said Moore became upset with her ex-boyfriend after he knocked a pregnancy test out of her hand.

Moore began hitting her ex, according to arrest records.

The ex-boyfriend then struck Moore to get her to stop attacking him, police said.

Moore then picked up a brick and threw it at her ex’s head, giving him a mild concussion, police said.

According to arrest records, Moore is not actually pregnant.

She is charged with second-degree assault.

Okay, maybe she’s an aberration. After all, women are loving creatures right? Hugging Gaia and all that. According to cops in Pine Grove, Virginia, maybe too much so.

Police in Hardin County have arrested a woman on a bigamy charge, saying she was married last month even though she was already married to two other men.

Kentucky State Police said Vine Grove police arrested Angela K. Christensen after a state police investigation showed
Christensen married Christopher Lee Ferguson on July 10 in Hardin County while she was also married to Natale Romanczak of Texas and Brian Soarling of New York.

Police said there’s no evidence that Christensen divorced Romanczak or Soarling or had reason to believe she was divorced.

Police said Christensen was also married to Jerry D. Jackson of Pasadena, Texas, who was reported deceased as of March 7.

Okay, I can see loving too much. But what about grief? What if a woman grieves do much so she claims her husband is dead. And then that he died again and wasn’t looking so hot now either? Dan Rozek tells about a loving and caring woman who claimed her husband’s death benefits twice. In fact, she was so full of grief she also claimed the life insurance on her three children that she hadn’t quite got around to having.

Bridgette Buckner had terrible luck with marriage: Her FBI agent husband died in 2007 — and again in 2008.

The 50-year-old Bartlett woman twice claimed her husband had died as part of separate scams to illegally collect life insurance benefits from her Aurora employer, according to DuPage County authorities and corporate security investigators.

Buckner also killed off three fictitious children in other insurance schemes to collect cash, officials said this week.

The bogus insurance claims — supported by forged or fake death certificates — netted Buckner about $70,000, officials said.

But they also left her facing up to seven years in prison after she pleaded guilty earlier this year in DuPage County to insurance and wire fraud.

Buckner — who more recently was charged in Cook County with identity theft — failed to show up Tuesday to be sentenced for those DuPage County offenses.

It was her 2008 insurance claim that her husband had been killed in the line of duty that led to her initial arrest in that DuPage County case. Buckner sought $15,000 in insurance benefits from her employer, Hallmark Services Corp. in Aurora — which just months earlier paid $10,000 to her after she claimed her 4-year-old daughter had died.

Two security consultants — both former FBI agents — who reviewed the claim for her employer quickly realized it was bogus.

“I immediately told her it was nonsense,” said Tom Bourgeois, one of the consultants who checked the claim. “If someone had been killed in the line of duty, we would have heard of it.”

Buckner already had collected $40,000 a year earlier from her former employer after claiming her husband had died.

“She killed off the same husband twice,” prosecutor Helen Kapas said.

But if Buckner’s claims were outrageous, she appeared sincere, Bourgeois and co-investigator Diane Rivers said.

“She is incredibly believable,” said Bourgeois. “When you talk to her, she seems like a nice, sweet lady.”

Even when confronted with evidence that her husband was alive, estranged from her and not a federal agent, Buckner was “incredulous,” Bourgeois said.

“She said, ‘You mean he’s not dead?’” Bourgeois said.

While authorities could find no proof Buckner ever had any kids, she collected about $30,000 in life insurance benefits for three children she claimed died in 2007 and 2008.

A DuPage County judge issued an arrest warrant for her, while prosecutors asked that Buckner be sentenced next month even if she’s not in court.

Those big meanies should just leave her alone. After all, look at all the loss and suffering she’s been through.

Oh, wait. Never mind. Women are just as conniving and manipulative and duplicitous as their ‘y’ chromosome counterparts. In some case, maybe more so.

I have a buddy’s who about as gay as gay can be and he tells me, often, that he’s got the perfect world. After all, he can sit on the couch, watch the Bears game and have celebration sex with a Bears’ fan without once needing to talk about tampons.

I used to laugh at him, now I’m not so sure.

Before I go I want to remind you that some of the Nude Hippo crew, including me but don’t let that deter you, will be at Hines Hospital this Saturday from 11 AM until about 3 PM entertaining wounded vets. There will be motorcycle stunt riders, free food and games.

I hope to see you there or, if you can’t make it, then I hope you’ll donate. 100% of all monies raised go to the vets and there’s info to help you do so when you click the link.

Just FYI, when I looked for a video about “loving women” not one of the 163 I found that were on point involved a man. I wonder if I should worry?

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

My friend Jacquilyn has a fondness for conspiracy theories. Not because she’s nuts, but because she enjoys being reminded of her own sanity in a slightly insane world. So it was no surprise to me when she forwarded me a link about another vision of the Apocalypse. It is one I’d heard about but paid no attention to at all. Mostly because, even by the low standard of reality maintained by whack jobs, this one was lacking in some basic facts. However, it does seem to have all the major touchstones required to be a legitimate conspiracy theory.

Ancient prophecy? Check.

Alien intervention? Check.

Angry, ancient, gods? Check.

Altered planetary orbits that spell doom for Earth? Check.

Complete lack of substantiating facts? Big check.

And, when confronted by the last one all the adherents point out that “they” are keeping the truth from “us.”

So, let’s take a peek at the latest craze sweeping the interweb; the end of all life due to a collision with the planet Nibiru. As Natalie Wolchover points out, there’s no reason to worry if you’ve never heard of it. It just means you’re not nuts.

Renowned astrophysicist Carl Sagan once described a “baloney detection kit” — a set of tools that skeptical thinkers use to investigate any new concept. A few of the key tools include a healthy distrust of information that isn’t independently verified, critically assessing an idea rather than becoming irrationally attached to it simply because it’s intriguing, and a preference for simple explanations over wildly speculative ones.

The waxing obsession with the planet Nibiru , which conspiracy theorists say is a planet swinging in from the outskirts of our solar system that is going to crash into Earth and wipe out humanity in 2012 — or, in some opinions, 2011 — shows that an astonishing number of people “are watching YouTube videos and visiting slick websites with nothing in their skeptical toolkit,” in the words of David Morrison, a planetary astronomer at NASA Ames Research Center and senior scientist at the NASA Astrobiology Institute.

Morrison estimates that there are 2 million websites discussing the impending Nibiru-Earth collision. He receives, on average, five email inquiries about Nibiru every day.

“At least a once a week I get a message from a young person — as young as 11 — who says they are ill and/or contemplating suicide because of the coming doomsday,” Morrison told Life’s Little Mysteries, a sister site to SPACE.com.

What’s the origin of this mass panic about Nibiru, which astronomers say doesn’t exist?

A suspect origin

The idea that doomsday will result from a planetary collision was first proposed in 1995 by Nancy Lieder, a self-described “contactee.” Lieder claims she has the ability to receive messages through an implant in her brain from aliens in the Zeta Reticuli star system. On her website, ZetaTalk, she stated that she was chosen to warn mankind of an impending planetary collision which would wipe out humanity in May 2003. (When no such cataclysmic event occurred, Lieder’s followers chose 2012 as the new date for the Nibiru collision, which coincides neatly with other doomsday prophecies focused on the ending of the Mayan calendar.)

Lieder originally called the bringer of doom “Planet X,” and later connected it to a planet that was hypothesized to exist by a writer named Zecharia Sitchin in his book “The 12th Planet” (Harper 1976). According to Sitchin (1920-2010), the ancient Sumerians wrote about a giant planet called Nibiru — the “twelfth planet” in the solar system, after the other planets (including Pluto), the sun and moon — which has an oblong orbit that swings near Earth every 3,600 years. Humans actually evolved on Nibiru, he said, and colonized this planet during a previous flyby.

Historians and language scholars say that Stitchin grossly mistranslated ancient texts. The Sumerians did indeed believe in a cosmology involving planets; however they thought there were five planets, not 12, and they did not believe that humans hopped to Earth from a place called Nibiru. Furthermore, astronomers have pointed out that a planetary orbit like the one Sitchin proposed for Nibiru is impossible: No celestial body could maintain a stable orbit that swings it through the inner solar system every 3,600 years and keeps it beyond Pluto the rest of the time. The body would quickly get sucked in or pushed out.

Nonetheless, Sitchin’s books have been translated into 25 languages and sold millions of copies worldwide. Lieder’s planetary collision theory has adopted the name of Nibiru for Earth’s planetary nemesis. Many people who believe that doomsday will occur when the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 have adopted Lieder’s Nibiru collision prophecy as the cataclysm that will bring us to that end.

Missing planet

The biggest missing link in the doomsday prophecy is Nibiru itself. Because no giant, rogue planet has been found in the outer solar system to play the role of Nibiru, some conspiracy theorists have decided that a small comet called Elenin (which will pass nearest Earth in October 2011) is actually Nibiru. Even then, though, scientists say Elenin will come no closer than 100 times farther than the distance from Earth to the moon.

“The fact is that these folks are constantly changing their story,” Morrison wrote in an email. “For some, Nibiru is no longer the Sumerian god or planet that is supposed to be returning to Earth in late 2012. It has become a catchword for almost any cosmic catastrophe.”

Internet rumors about Elenin began spreading earlier this year. Its approach to Earth was blamed for shifting the Earth’s axis by 3 degrees in February, precipitating the Chile earthquake, then shifting the pole even more to trigger the Japan quake in March. “Ignoring plate tectonics as the cause of earthquakes, they suggest that the comet exerted strong gravitational or electromagnetic effects on our planet,” Morrison wrote.

When scientists pointed out that the comet is a mere 3-mile-wide glob of ice with no magnetic field and that it won’t even pass very near Earth — and that plate tectonics, not comets, cause earthquakes — rumors began to circulate that NASA was withholding information about Elenin.

“Ironically, the inconspicuous nature of this comet plays into some of the conspiracy theories,” Morrison pointed out. “For people who are convinced the comet did cause the earthquakes, this proves that Elenin is not a comet at all, but a much more massive, and dangerous, interloper.” Conspiracy theorists began speculating that the comet is Nibiru in disguise — a planet or even an enormous brown dwarf star.

In fact, Elenin is a textbook comet; it has visible “coma,” or nucleus, and a long tail made of vaporizing ice.

If it were a brown dwarf, “it would not have a coma or tail, because the gas cannot escape from an object with substantial gravity. In addition, if it were massive we would be seeing its gravitational influence on the orbits of the planets, especially Mars and Earth, but there is no change in these orbits,” Morrison wrote. “Finally, if it were a brown dwarf it would have been easily detected in various previous astronomical surveys, including the recent WISE infrared mission, even when it was still in the outer solar system,” he wrote.

The fact that the comet isn’t headed our way is overlooked by most conspiracy theorists, while others say its path is going to change. “[Some] websites suggest that the comet is accompanied by a giant UFO, which controls its orbit,” Morrison told us; in effect, who cares if Elenin doesn’t seem to be headed in our direction — it’ll be steered here.

Distinguishing truth from lies

Morrison offered some advice to those who are interested in astronomy or are worried about impending collisions. “If it [a story] is real, it is likely to be in regular news media, not just posted on some website,” he told us. Furthermore, “not everyone who claims on YouTube to be a scientist or an employee of NASA is. But there is no simple way to distinguish truth from lies.”

The Nibiru conspiracies are so nonsensical that Morrison wonders whether even their purveyors believe them. Because many websites sell Nibiru books, tapes and even “survival kits,” Morrison thinks they are purposely taking advantage of people who aren’t able to distinguish credible sources from crackpot ones. “This is especially a problem for young people, which is why I am so angry at those who target children,” he said.

I hate to break it to David Morrison, who seems to be both lucid and intelligent, but trying to use facts and logic on these people is akin to high diving into a pool of rocks. No good will come of it. Back on April 22nd I took the time to completely dismantle the whole “Ancient Aliens” and “We found a UFO” conspiracies. It was pretty easy to do. I stuck with known facts, documented time-lines and ignored any unsubstantiated statements. What was left was a pretty clear picture of how everything came to be.

And I got some fascinating emails IN ALL CAPS explaining why I was a pawn of the Satanist / Stalinist / Communist / Capitalist / Military Industrial Complex / Race Mingling overlords. Take your pick.

Nothing was said about our impending robot overlords. But I guess that’s for the best.

I did get two emails thanking me for a rational look at an irrational issue, but they were coherent so there’s no need to discuss them.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

The cool thing about this job is that I get to read about tons of fun stuff. Every day I find out about different ways to die, how to bungle a robbery, when to expect the impending rise of our robot overlords or why people in Florida aren’t like regular humans. On bonus days I learn why history is wrong or, more interestingly, why you are. Of course some days provide me with moments of quiet reflection and give me hope for humanity, but those are few and far between so I don’t worry too much about them.

However, some days force me to think about stuff I really would rather ignore. In today’s case, the main topic would be high school choir. It’s not that I couldn’t sing, I could always carry a tune, it’s just that thinking of those days requires me to remember songs from “Hello Dolly” and other bits of arcania that make me want to kill myself. We never sang anything interesting, unless you defined “interesting” by what your 80 year old grand parents snapped their fingers too.

Times have changed.

Choirs, once relegated to the nether regions of hell normally associated with nerds and losers are now being used to pimp cars and make people feel good about themselves.

Others have been formed to give children a bizarre sense of self confidence and make them seem cute, even though their new-found subject matter would give the censors at MTV pause.

Some have found a way to make even to most ostracized segments of humanity, and there is no more ostracized group in the universe than girl nerds, feel as though they are, somehow, hip.

Yet others seem hell bent on taking time honored standards and breathing new life into them, even though they didn’t ask for such a favor and usually suffer from the effort.

Some, despite the best intentions, come off appearing as though they were conceived by drunks on a Tuesday and no adult was around to stop them. That, by the way, is the only explanation for the wigs in this video.

Nevertheless, sometimes people manage to come up with a fun way to use the choir format to re-imagine, not only a song but, an entire genre of music. While are those moments are rare they make the failures worthwhile.

But, every now and then, exquisiteness occurs. The perfect blend of socially acceptable and subversive. A kind of giggly gestalt that just seeps into your brain and refuses to leave. And you realize you’re, somehow, a better person because it doesn’t.

So, as you can see, there is hope for choirs worldwide.

Now, when you see those kids in their robes you can stop making Harry Potter jokes and instead ask them where they’re hanging out these days. After all, if you can hang with foul mouthed sorority babes or their goth dude counterparts, you’re going to be cool by association. And that’s never a bad thing.

We’ve had a couple of downer posts lately so I thought I’d provide a chuckle for the masses. Well, okay, the Space Beer one was kind of fun, but it has seemed that things have been a little down around here. Which, believe it or not, isn’t true. Things have actually been kind of fun here in the land of Hippo. The ladies in the office have joined a continuing education class that really seems to have perked up office morale. The guys in the office have come up with communal activities that have really helped us bond and be more sensitive to the needs of others. Our lord and master has loosened our chains enough that we can now use the bathroom. Of course the ruckus caused by the cleaning crew might have had something to do with that.

One never really knows.

Nevertheless, today seems like a good day for some schadenfreude. And where is misery the most fun? Florida.

Let’s start with how Florida bank robbers differ from thinking humans. WPBF-TV tells the hysterical story of the guy who robbed a bank and used a taxi as his getaway vehicle.

The FBI has arrested a man accused of putting on a suit and tie, robbing a South Florida bank and then leaving in a taxi.

Jeffrey Harrington, 27, of North Miami, is accused of robbing the Bank of America branch in Hallandale Beach on Tuesday morning. He was arrested Wednesday.

According to the FBI, Harrington handed the teller a note demanding the teller fill envelopes with money and warning the teller not to set off the alarm because it would trigger an explosive device.

The note also read: “Remember the money is insured. Don’t be a hero.”

Authorities said Harrington left the bank and got into a parked taxicab that had picked him up from his home earlier that morning.

After the robbery, the taxi dropped Harrington off at the barbershop where he works, authorities said.
A co-worker told the FBI he saw Harrington at the barbershop putting a large amount of money in his pocket.

“No, really, officers, I get great tips doing fades and weaves.”

Yeah, they didn’t buy it either.

Of course at least he didn’t involve his mom, which is a common theme in Florida. John P. Wise tells the fun story of the guy who texted his mom to dump his meth.

A Florida man texted his mother asking her to hide his drug evidence, police in Bay County said.

Anthony Paul Burdeshaw, 33, is being held on drug charges in Bayou George.

Investigators said they were talking to Burdeshaw’s mother about an abandoned barn next to the family’s home that contained methamphetamine-manufacturing chemicals when she received a text from her son. According to a story in TheNewsHerald.com, the message read: “Hey Mom can u go to my bedroom and get the glass bowl under the bed and wash it with water really good and don’t give the cops permission to search.”

The mother eventually brought out to police a glass bowl that tested positive for meth.

Actually, for a meth head, he has excellent spelling and grammar skills.

On the other hand, Floridians do make it easy for criminals to commit crimes. In Boynton Beach you can use any credit card you happen to find without being asked to show any ID. Store owners are stunned, STUNNED I TELL YOU, that some folks used this oversight to steal thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff.

In comparison, yesterday I got carded when I was buying $30 worth of groceries by a lady who spoke zero English.

So, maybe I should do all my shopping in Florida.

“Mr. Hippo? Your cherry red Ferrari is ready. Just sign here.”

Yeah, I can see it now.

Of course, people in Florida also celebrate life’s defining moments differently. In New Port Richey simple events like going to rehab will involve the police.

A Florida couple was arrested for engaging in a sex act on a scooter in a strip mall parking lot, police said.

Investigators were called Tuesday night to a shopping center in New Port Richey after a family witnessed the sex act, according to a report on TampaBay.com.

Dawn Strait and Franklin Rowland were charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, TampaBay.com reported.
Strait, 49, told the arresting officer that she performed the act because she was sad that Franklin was going to detox soon, according to the report.

Now I know why our fellow Hippo, Scott, bought a scooter.

How does that work?

“Honey, I’m going to be gone for a couple of days, so let’s take the scooter to the most public place possible so you can ….”

I never said they were smart.

Of course, they do seem to have a training program for young criminals in Florida, so maybe this topic can be brought up. On the other hand, North Miami Beach cops recently arrested an 11 year old kid for his second major robbery. So that course can’t be very thorough.

“But, Uncle Big Bad,” you whine, “there must be some good people in Florida.”

Well, yes and no. As Angela Rozier reports, there’s a South Florida woman trying to raise awareness for recovering addicts by walking all the way to Washington D.C. Which is a good thing because, you see, if she was trying to raise cash, she’d be doomed. No one has donated a dime to her cause.

Not a pair of shoes, not a sandwich, nothing.

Of course, the reason for that is obvious. Florida’s state motto is “Rehab’s for Quitters!”

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!