Search Results for: mcdonald's

Ever since Ogg saw Ook silhouetted by the evening sun men have been slaves to boobs. It doesn’t matter whose they are either; “Thanks there biker granny, you can roll those back up now.” We can’t help it. Men are hard wired to stare at boobs. Not only is ogling good for our heart rate (click the previous link to find out why) but boobs are fun to play with as well and everyone knows that play is the best thing for a happy soul. Even women will tell you they’d rather you play with their boobs instead of their heart since they have two of the former. However, as time progressed, “boobs” have come to take on other connotations. “He’s such a boob” is not a compliment. As noted in the History of Insults, the word has morphed through the years.

But 1900 launched us into a new series of insult or derogatory terms as well as a new century. The word boob, as a derogatory term, first appeared in 1909. Derived from the much older word booby, coined around 1600, it means a “dull, heavy, stupid fellow,” or a “clown, a nincompoop.” Johnson, in his Life of Boswell, could say (1776): “We work with our heads, and make the boobies of Birmingham work for us with their hands.” Indeed, the origin of the concept of “booby prize” goes back to the 1820s, when booby also referred to the “last boy in a school class, the dunce.” From Charlotte Bronte (1849): “He was the booby of..grammar school” (the actual phrase booby-prize, however, didn’t appear until the 1880s).

By 1909, however, the “y” had dropped out of the word and we just had “boob.” It would not assume its sexual connotation for 40 years, and in 1909 either meant a “prison” or a “fool, simpleton.” Actually, the word “stir” also meant a prison (first attested in 1851) and so a person who went “stir-crazy” is someone who was driven to that state by the realities of prison life. The Saturday Evening Post had this in its March 7, 1909 edition: “I had to tell her the boob had gone for the day.” G. B. Shaw, in his 1930 work Apple Cart could say: “You gave it away, like the boobs you are, to the Pentland Fourth Syndicate.”*

[*As indicated above, it was not until 1949 that the word “boob” first appeared in its current sexual connotation. I love the initial attestation: “I felt her sloshy boobs joggling me but I was too intent on pursuing the ramifications of Coleridge’s amazing mind to let her vegetable appendages disturb me.“]

Obviously the author of that line did not like women.

Still, boobs are here to stay.

Let’s start with the fun usage, porn stars are claiming that Octomom is a useless boob.

The recent decision of “Octomom” Nadya Suleman to release a solo sex video has aroused heated opinions from people who say her debut in adult films is a sign that she’s not a good mother.

Surprisingly, some of the criticism comes from Suleman’s new colleagues in the world of pornography. Actress Amber Peach thinks Suleman was a bad mother before she decided to undress for her film, “Octomom: Home Alone.”

“This is a woman who had children she knew she couldn’t take care of, not by accidentally getting pregnant. but on purpose, and people’s issue is that she did a porn,” Peach said incredulously to The Huffington Post. “There are many porn people who are also great parents. People are acting like her doing porn is what makes her a bad parent, saying things like, ‘What are your kids going to think of you when they get older and find out?’

“My question is, ‘What are those kids going to think of her when they get old enough to realize she had them with no way to take care of them either because she hoped to get a reality show or because she’s…crazy, or both?'”

Suleman is the mother of 14 children. She underwent in vitro fertilization to give birth to octuplets in 2009.

Besides ridiculing Suleman’s parenting abilities, Peach said she didn’t exhibit much on-screen talent.

“The whole video from a porn standpoint just looks awkward and uncomfortable,” Peach said. “And don’t get me started on the part where she’s lying naked in a pile of baby clothes, that’s just disturbing.”

So it’s not just me that thinks this lady is four colors shy of a rainbow. That’s good to know. Someone needs to let her know she keeps making very bad life choices.

Speaking of bad life choices, a lady may go to prison because her dogs busted out of the booby hatch and caused a chicken to die of a heart attack …. again.

It’s understandable if Joy McDonald is dogged by fear these days: She faces possible jail time for the death of a chicken.

But McDonald didn’t kill the chicken. Supposedly, her two chihuahuas, Peaches and Domino, caused the hen to have a heart attack.

Until her untimely death on April 5, the hen belonged to McDonald’s neighbors, George and Nittaya Gamblin, who keep chickens as pets at their Missouri home east of Kansas City.

McDonald’s dogs are usually indoors, but George Gamblin said they got loose and were found inside his chicken coop.

“We’ve run them out of here before,” Gamblin told WDAF-TV, adding that his wife injured her knee chasing away the dogs that night.

McDonald, who is studying to become a veterinarian, believes the penned bird suffered a heart attack when the Chihuahuas barked at it while running loose in the rural neighborhood.

Now she’s charged with misdemeanor animal abuse. The court records say the dogs killed the chicken but don’t explain how. However, the evidence submitted for the case is brutal according to officials.

“There are photos with a poor dead chicken and feathers everywhere,” Lafayette County Prosecutor Kellie Wingate Campbell told the Kansas City Star, which recently broke the story.

If McDonald’s convicted, she could be jailed in the county lockup for a year and fined up to $1,000.

The possibility of jail time for McDonald has generated a tremendous amount of interest in the case.

“I think this is asinine,” McDonald told the Kansas City Star. “I just can’t wrap my mind around it. All of this because of a dead chicken.”

At the time, she found it hard to stop from laughing when Gamblin called and allegedly screamed that her dogs literally scared his chicken to death.

But she took a more conciliatory tone when she spoke with KCTV-TV.

“It makes me feel like a horrible person. I just think this has blown way out of proportion. I said, ‘I was sorry.’ I tried paying for it. I built a dog pen,” she told the station.

The Gamblins insist they don’t want to see McDonald go to jail, but don’t want to see her dogs running around either.

“I don’t want to be paid for the chicken. I just want the dogs off my place and destroying our property,” Gamblin griped to WDAF-TV. “To me, the idea of respecting people’s property is lost in all this.”

Gamblin said that, previously, another dog owned by McDonald also killed some chickens.

Yes, you can laugh. God knows I am. First off, there’s a vet/farmer person named McDonald. Dear God does it get any more cliche than that? Then the killer dogs turn out to be Chihuahuas. And last but not least, they live 2 miles from the Bar-B-Q capital of America. I’m sure that chicken didn’t go to waste.

Okay. I’m better now. You just don’t get stories like that in civilized places.

All right, last but not least, let’s get on down to Australia where a nice lady robbed a gas station, partly using her boobs.

This might not be the breast way to get away with robbery.

Queensland cops in Australia are looking for the so-called “Buxom Bandit,” who robbed a Gold Coast gas station early this morning, according to a police news release.

The blonde-haired woman wearing a low-cut top drove to the gas station with another man, according to the release. She then busted into the station, went behind the counter and threatened the clerk with a knife before making off with an unreported amount of cash, the release said.

News Nine MSN notes that the woman, who is still at large, made a couple of crucial errors that could help police track her down.

She failed to wear anything that disguised her face, which was captured on the gas station’s surveillance camera.

The bandit also wore a fingerprint concealing glove on her knife-wielding hand, using her un-gloved digits to grab the cash and potentially leave other prints behind, MSN reports.

Australia’s Triple M Radio DJ Mick Molloy spoke out in support of the well-endowed robber. If she’s caught, Molloy promised to show up to her trial chanting, “free the Gold Coast two!”

You and I both know that twenty men have called the police saying “I don’t know the face but that rack belongs to ….”

Kristen Pyles (CGOM Mar 2011)

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday except July 6, 2012 around 9:10 AM.

Before I mount my usual wild eyed screed against whatever caught my minimal attention, I thought I’d mention something nice. A young lady named Corina Jane was diagnosed with cancer. “HEY MR. HAPPY THOUGHT …..” Relax. She’s fine. In fact she’s so fine that she’s been selected to represent the Chicago Rush at the Arena Bowl. That is some serious amount of fine.. And, ladies, you can knock it down a notch too. She’s hopelessly devoted to her boy toy. All she needs is for all of you to click on her name and help her get the fan votes she’ll need to go to Louisiana and represent the Windy City. You can handle that task. Since we are on the topic of hot women and Chicago sports I feel it is only fair to take a quick glance at what has been happening at the Cell.You see there is this wonderful statue of Louis Aprecio outside the park. He is smiling. He is bent forward. His right hand cupped to grasp the ball. Said hand is at the perfect height to also grasp a woman’s breast. So, every home game, hundreds of women, some en flagrante some not, pop their breasts into Louis’ outstretched hand and get their picture taken. in case that wasn’t clear enough for you the Sun Times ran a pic.

BOO YAH!

Enough of that, let’s talk about criminals. Swedish police arrested a man for stealing a beer truck. They were able to arrest him because he was so drunk when he stole the truck he forgot to close the back of it and they just followed the trail of broken bottles all the way to his house. He has since pleaded guilty to all charges.

Police in Gainsvile Florida may have heard the ultimate excuse for why a criminal fled the scene of a crime. He had to run because he had the runs.

Police in Florida said a man told them he fled the scene of an accident and went to a Walmart because he “had the runs.”

Gainesville police said Barnard Cato III was arrested Tuesday and charged with driving under the influence, hit and run and a felony count of leaving the scene of an accident involving injury after he struck another occupied vehicle and a few newspaper boxes around 7:15 a.m. Tuesday and left the scene, The Gainesville Sun reported Thursday.

Police found Cato a few minutes later at a Walmart, where he told officers he did not realize he had hit the other vehicle and he “pulled into the next stop. … I had the runs, I had to go,” he said.

Officers said Cato had a “strong odor of alcohol emanating from his breath and clothing” and his eyes were “bloodshot and watery.”

Cato declined to submit to a breathalyzer test.

Speaking of drunks, let’s move no to drunks with guns. They are always the most fun. Cops in Idaho arrested a man in Utah for forcing a victim to moonwalk at gunpoint.

A 30-year-old Idaho resident was charged with felony assault when he took his love of dance a step too far and allegedly forced another man to perform Michael Jackson’s always-tricky moonwalk routine at gunpoint.

According to a report in the Coeur d’Alene Press, sheriff’s deputies arrived at the home of John Ernest Cross on Monday after being informed he was using drugs and had ordered another man to make with the moves made famous by the late King of Pop — or else.

On Tuesday, Cross’ bail was set at $20,000, and he was ordered not to contact the other man.

NOW! ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!

Or not.

Also on the west coast, cops in Washington State arrested a burglar who called the victims and offered to trade some of the stuff he stole for the stuff he’d left behind. Like his ID. Even though he told them not to call the cops, they did so anyway said the police who made the arrest. Well, they did arrest him after they stopped laughing at him.

The one thing that stands out in the police report is that they mention, three times, how polite he was.

On the east coast crooks have a better sense of how things work. Cops in NY are looking for a hooker who, allegedly, drugged a diamond merchant and stole $500,000 worth of sparklers. So, if you know a hooker named Erika Cooper, 34, aka Bianca Williams in New York, she’s buying the next round.

Back on the west coast, a woman is suing McDonald’s for forcing her into prostitution, giving a whole new meaning to being Supersized. She claims they were complicit with her husband running a prostitution ring out of his Nevada franchise. But not his L.A. one. Oddly enough this is not the only McDonald’s related story involving a prostitute. Cops in Oklahoma are investigating the disappearance of an internet hooker who went missing at a local Mickey D’s after she showed up there to fulfill an online contract.

I may have to rethink my usual aversion to McDonald’s.

Or not.

Cops in Indianapolis are doing their level best to keep the world safe. They arrested a 6 year terrorist who threatened his principal.

Police in a small Indiana town hauled a six-year-old from his elementary school and charged him with battery and intimidation after he kicked and threatened a principal, police said on Wednesday.

The incident followed one earlier in April where police handcuffed a 6-year-old girl who was screaming and crying and had injured a principal and damaged property at an elementary school in Milledgeville, Georgia. She was not charged.

The Indiana student, who had been suspended from school recently for biting and hitting a staff member, was arrested April 18 at Hendricks Elementary School in Shelbyville, which is about 30 miles southeast of Indianapolis.

“This was not an isolated incident,” Shelbyville Police Lieutenant Michael Turner said.

School officials called police, reporting that the student, who was not identified, had kicked Principal Patrick Lumbley and told him and Assistant Principal Jessica Poe that he was going to kill them, a Shelbyville police report said.

The student was yelling and screaming and lying on the floor of Poe’s office when police arrived, the report said.

Poe led the student to a police car where an officer placed him in the back seat, buckled him in and drove him to the police department, the report said. He was not handcuffed.

Turner said he hoped the filing of juvenile charges would help get the child needed help.

“Putting him into the system can open up avenues perhaps the parents don’t have,” Turner said.

Really? The only way this college graduate and leader of children can come up with to get this kid the obvious help he needs is to have him arrested? Have things gotten that bad in Cornville?

If so that’s the kind of thing that would lead people to become activists. Especially anti-violence pro-education activists. And that strong, pacifist based stance would then lead them to slash tires and terrorize a city.

Wait? What?

Off to Philly we go.

A neighborhood activist who spoke out about the vandalizing of dozens of cars near his home now has been arrested in the case, police say.

At a press conference Wednesday evening, police said Toledo had been arrested and charged with two counts of felony mischief, 47 counts of criminal mischief, false reports and other related offenses.

Police say they questioned Toledo extensively on April 16, the same day the most recent vandalism was reported on Aldine and Teesdale Streets as a dozen or so more cars were targeted.

Toledo has spoken to NBC10 several times since coverage of tire slashings in the area of the 4000 block of Aldine Street and surrounding roads began to surface in February. The vandalism dates back even further than that, according to neighbors.

“I hope the cops get them before the neighbors find out who it is because something bad is going to happen,” Toledo said after some cars were vandalized in mid-March. “My wife said ‘somebody is watching us, watching the cops’ because when they’re here nothing happens.”

Now police say that it was Toledo who was causing sleepless nights for neighbors concerned that their cars would be vandalized while they slept. A town watch was formed and police even offered a big reward for an arrest in the case.

All along, Toledo, who lives on Aldine Street, was there speaking out against the vandalism.

“This will be the last time that you’re going to get my car because you will get caught,” Toledo told NBC10 after just his tires were slashed on March 20. “The $10,000 reward, I don’t want the money, all I want is their hands so I can smash them so they can never do it again.”

It’s unclear if Toledo is responsible for all the area vandalism but police do believe he at least committed some of the tire slashings on Teesdale, Aldine and Erdrick Streets, McGinnis said.

NBC10 also spoke exclusively with Toledo’s mother, who reacted strongly to her son’s arrest.

“I think he’s being set up,” she said. “He doesn’t go around slashing tires. He’s got better things to do in life — he’s got a life!”

The local town watch program Toledo claimed to be a part of held a meeting at 7 p.m. at Frankford and Aldine. In spite of Toledo’s claims, the town watch says he was never a member of their organization.

Philadelphia Police urged neighbors who feel betrayed by Toledo to not take matters into their own hands.

“Let the justice system take care of Mr. Toledo,” said Capt. Frank Bachmayer. “We don’t want any type of retaliation.”

Which is why they are making it real easy to get his home address and directions.

Oy.

Oh well, the world may not be any safer, even with the arrests listed above, but at least they keep me gainfully employed.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

A long time ago in a land far, far away …. well, 1980 and a suburb to be named later to be specific, I was driving a borrowed motorcycle with a young lady on the back. She thought it would be great fun for all involved if we had a little naughty moment while I drove. And she was right. Well, she was right up until I hit a small pothole which caused her to bite down which caused me to scream and lose control of the bike which caused the bike to end up in a laundromat. I bring this up so that you will understand that I am qualified to talk about stupid things people do while driving. I am also qualified to talk about bad taste as anyone who saw my wardrobe in the 70’s can attest. I went in for orange suits and bell bottoms with prints. That being said, even I would have avoided the Helen Keller sunglasses with the company motto “You see the world, the world sees you.” Also, I feel, based on the above, qualified to talk about bad judgement. NY native, Brianna, has made a You Tube offer to have sex with the last person selected in the NFL draft. Since there is no rule that says the person drafted last has to be male, or human for that matter, I’m hoping whoever holds that pick has some fun.

A cow went to McDonald’s. Insert your own jokes here.

Anyway, mooooooving on, (oh, you knew that was coming), let’s talk about the smart lady who jumped out of racing van as her loving spouse drove it off a cliff.

A California woman was forced to jump from a speeding van, because her husband was driving towards a cliff in order to escape from police.

Malibu cops say that Michael Kheop, 44, started to flee in the stolen van at about 1:30 p.m. on Friday during a traffic stop. His wife Meru was in the passenger seat. and she told CBS2 that she wanted him to surrender and assured him that everything would be all right.

But Kheop wanted to get away and allegedly turned toward a 200-foot cliff.

“I said … ‘Get out of the car, we can handle this,'” Meru Kheop told the station. “He said, ‘Get out,’ and I opened the door, and then that’s when the car turned.”

“I jumped when it was about to go down,” she added.

She made it just in time. Her spouse cascaded down the grassy cliff, but miraculously survived. He eluded cops a second time by allegedly hiding in the brush.

The van was smashed, KTLA reported.

Cops searched for him for five hours. He had escaped — until Meru Kheop heard a knock at her window that evening. It was Michael, but Meru didn’t let him in. She called police who arrested him without incident.

Police charged him with attempted murder for endangering his wife and car theft. His bail was set at $100,000.

It must have been a really wonderful van to go through all that. And, even in California, I’m betting she now has valid grounds for divorce.

In unrelated news, a blind guy built a sports car in his garage. He had time on his hands and seems to be a lonely, bitter soul, so this kept him occupied.

No, he still isn’t allowed to drive it.

Quick funny, a gun instructor in Virginia shot himself and his wife with the same bullet. Even in Virginia, I’m betting she now has valid grounds for divorce.

In Romania, you’ll be pleased to learn, driving a motorcycle naked is legal. Driving it without a helmet is not.

A Romanian policeman pulled over a woman who was riding pillion naked on a motorcycle – and booked her for failing to wear a helmet.

The woman was not wearing a stitch but the traffic officer said it was the only offence that he had authorisation to book her for.

Motorists got out their smartphones to take photographs of the eye-catching biker who was pulled over in Constanta.

And, after accepting her punishment, she donned a helmet before continuing her journey – still naked.

“The officer was a traffic cop and the only traffic offence she’d committed was in not wearing a helmet,” one witness told Romanian media.

“So he gave her a warning and a ticket and told her and her companion to ride on,” they added.

Yes, there’s a pic of the young lady if you click the link. Let’s just say she wears naked well and move on.

New Yorkers are having a heck of a time with drivers having sex in their cars. It has actually become a problem severe enough to warrant police intervention.

New Yorkers are getting fed up with clubgoers who make hanky panky inside of parked cars. Residents between Seventh and Eighth Avenues around West 30th Street say randy partiers are having sex in cars, leaving condoms on the street, honking car horns at all hours … you get the idea. So the neighbors have convinced a community board to back a request for a no-parking area on weekend nights, the New York Post reports. The board can’t enforce the ban, but has petitioned city leaders to take action. One club on the strip is already in hot water after the State Liquor Authority denied its request to renew its liquor license. Facing possible closure, The Parlour owner Rocco Sergio has promised to resolve problems with the community, saying, “I had no idea that anything like that was going on.” Says one longtime resident: “Every night when they close, there is controlled riot.”

Guys I hate to break it to you but the only thing saving you from people just straight up fucking on the streets might be those cars. Those foggy windows are the only thing between you and live sex shows on the streets. Because generally speaking if you are stumbling out of a club and can’t wait to get back to someone’s apartment and you’re willing to fuck in the car, you’re not going to be stopped. Sex in alleys or secret hand jobs on the corner, whatever. At that stage in the game people aren’t being denied. So I guess if you change the parking laws, you’ll avoid the honking horns. But people ain’t gonna stop fucking any time soon.

Its like the old saying “You can take the cars out of the neighborhood where people want to fuck, but you can’t take the want to fuck in cars out of the people in your neighborhood.” Right? Makes sense? Good.

Back in the day the only place we young-uns could have sex was in a car. But we had the decency to find some place private first.

Of course, we didn’t have the advantage of having a police escort every time we wanted to drive our Ferrari’s really fast either, so we had to make do with our Impalas behind a factory.

Two state troopers have been suspended over allegations they provided an “unauthorized escort” to a group of sports cars — including one driven by football star Brandon Jacobs — driving at high speeds in New Jersey.

The convoy of cars, including Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Porsches and others, traveled at speeds in excess of 100 mph down the Garden State Parkway to Atlantic City last month, according to The Star-Ledger newspaper. They also traveled on the New Jersey Turnpike and Atlantic City Expressway.

The paper said witnesses had made complaints to police about the caravan — which one witness dubbed “Death Race 2012″ — saying they saw patrol cars with emergency lights flashing at the front and rear of the sports cars.

The Star-Ledger also obtained amateur video footage of a caravan of luxury cars allegedly being escorted by state police at high speed on the Garden State Parkway in 2010. It is not known which officers were involved in this convoy.

A statement released late Monday by the attorney general’s office said Sgt. First Class Nadir Nassry, 47, a trooper for 25 years, and Trooper Joseph Ventrella, 28, who has six years’ service, had been suspended without pay in relation to the incident last month.

An unnamed station commander was also transferred “until any potential involvement on his part has been determined,” the statement said.

“We will not tolerate any conduct by a member of the State Police that puts the public in jeopardy, as this unauthorized caravan had the potential to do,” Attorney General Jeffrey S. Chiesa said, according to the statement. “We are thoroughly investigating this incident, and those responsible will face serious discipline.”

Lt. Stephen Jones, a spokesman for the state police, said investigators would be looking to see if there were any incidents in addition to the one last month and the one in 2010.

“You better believe they are looking hard to see if there are any more; they are certainly checking that,” he told msnbc.com.

Charles Sciarra, an attorney representing Nassry, said in an email that state police officials had canceled a scheduled interview with his client and “simply suspended him without pay.”

“This change of course was taken only after tabloid-like headlines appeared on the cover of Star Ledger over the last two days. The headlines scream ‘Death Race 2012’ when in fact these charitable organizations routinely ask and receive escorts from the State Police to and from the various charitable functions they attend with their exotic vehicles,” Sciarra said. “This practice has been in effect for years.”

Really? Why? I mean if you want to have a cop act as security for your function you better be ready to write a nice sized check. I know that since I have hired them many times during my life. So why do these rich tools get a free escort every time they want to drive around at 100 mph?

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

We all know there are things we probably shouldn’t do. I’m not just talking about some tawdry night in a bar that goes wrong and right at the same time. No, I’m talking about those decisions we make while allegedly sober. For example, some people, mostly teenagers, seem to think that putting an ice cube on a hand full of salt is big fun. And it is as long as you’re a fan of major burns. Other kids like to try the cinnamon challenge because nothing says “good times” like puking up enough red dust to look like you’re an extra in Dune. And before you go off railing against the idiocies of public education, I should note that Lela Davidson from MSNBC has had to deal with her kids falling prey to this stuff.

When I noticed the dark brown wound on the back of my 13-year-old son’s hand, he explained that he had burnt himself with salt and ice. “I just wanted to see if it would work,” he said. “It didn’t even hurt.” When my shock turned to anger, he implicated his 11-year-old sister as an accomplice. I had apparently raised not one, but two, “gifted” children.

Why would honor students with no history of drug use or brain disorders maim themselves in the name of curiosity? They saw it on YouTube, naturally.

Hollye Grayson, M.A., MFT, works extensively with Los Angeles teens and she points out that our hyper-social society allows teens to emulate kids they would not associate with in person. These virtual peers can provide real validation.

“It’s a cool factor,” she says. “‘Look how cool that is. Look how many hits, how many people are looking at that cool thing he did.’” Even high achieving kids may crave this kind of attention. It’s different from the approval they receive from parents and teachers. “Before YouTube we didn’t have to worry about something like this. This is clearly a big problem now, with these kids copying these crazy things.”

After the salt and ice incident, I talked with my daughter and a friend who had tried similar feats, like the cinnamon challenge, she saw on YouTube. The friend told me that kids copy the videos because they are funny, and because they want to prove for themselves that the results in the video really happen. This was the reason my own children had given for the idiotic stunt. I asked if she applied the same logic to trying drugs. “Oh, no way,” she assured me. “They teach us about drugs at school. They don’t teach about this stuff.”

As if teachers don’t have enough to do.

Ah yes, because as well all know, teachers are woefully overpaid and under-worked.

But, then again, a little pro-active education might have prevented this fiasco. Ravshan “Ronnie” Usmanov became one of the few people convicted of posting revenge porn.

When he posted his ex-girlfriend’s nude pictures on Facebook three months after their split, Ravshan ”Ronnie” Usmanov, 20, probably wasn’t thinking “Hey, this is my ticket to six months house arrest as the first social network-related conviction in Australian history!”

A similar thought probably wasn’t going through the unidentified ex either when, during a happier time in their relationship, she posed for the pics: “Hey, this is my ticket to Facebook humiliation!”

Yet for both, that’s exactly what happened. The Sydney Morning Herald reports:

The six pictures, according to court documents, showed his ex-girlfriend ”nude in certain positions and clearly showing her breasts and genitalia.

Shortly after posting the pictures on his Facebook page in October last year, Usmanov emailed his girlfriend with the message: ”Some of your photos are now on Facebook.” She had ended their relationship and moved out of their shared home less than three months earlier.

The woman, who the Sun-Herald has chosen not to identify, ran to Usmanov’s flat at Pyrmont, demanding he take down the pictures. When he refused, she called the police.

Usmanov’s lawyer said her client’s crime was not a “serious offense,” according to court documents — a claim on which sentencing Deputy-Chief Magistrate Jane Mottley quickly called shenanigans.

”What could be more serious than publishing nude photographs of a woman on the Internet, what could be more serious?” Mottley said in court records.
Describing a type of reputation decimation both unique and common to the Internet age, Mottley explained, ”It’s one thing to publish an article in print form with limited circulation. That may affect the objective seriousness of the offense but once it goes on the World Wide Web via Facebook, it effectively means it’s open to anyone who has some link in any way, however remotely.”

Mottley’s words are probably echoed by more than a few victims of recently shuttered U.S. “revenge porn” website Is Anyone Up, which the Village Voice recently described as “a virtual grudge slingshot of a website that gleefully publishes ‘revenge porn’ photos — cellphone nudes submitted by scorned exes, embittered friends, malicious hackers and other ne’er-do-well degenerates — posted alongside each unsuspecting subject’s full name, social-media profile and city of residence.”

My first thought is “Really? You’re that freaking petty? No wonder she dumped you.”

That is also my second thought.

My third would run along the lines that there should be jail time attached to actions such as these.

After all, Clown Red, could get five years for stealing a soda.

Well, it was in a Florida McDonald’s, a place where they REALLY REALLY prize their soda.

It was the ultimate heist: ask for a free cup for water, but fill it with soda.

That’s the alleged plot that 52-year-old Mark Abaire hatched on Thursday before he was caught by Florida McDonald’s employees and charged with felony theft, the Naples Daily News reported.

Abaire — whose aliases include Red, Clown Red and Clown — entered the Naples franchise at about 10 p.m. and asked for a cup of water. Then he allegedly snuck some pop into the cup, despite a conversation with an employee that he couldn’t do so, the Sun Sentinel reported.

The soda was valued at $1.

“Clown Red” allegedly refused to leave the burger joint, so a manager called cops.

Abaire was charged with felony petty theft because he had previous theft convictions, among other crimes. He was also charged with misdemeanor counts of trespassing and disorderly conduct. He faces five years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

Well, Red can thank his lucky stars he didn’t try that crap in Georgia. Police there report that Granny Lulu got into a shootout with some thugs and messed them up good.

Authorities in Georgia say a grandmother foiled a robbery attempt by two armed men by getting into a shootout with them, injuring one man.

Police told The Telegraph that Lulu Campbell just dropped off her grandson at her daughter’s house early Saturday morning when someone demanded money outside her car, threatening to shoot her.

Campbell says the man fired at her, missing. The 57-year-old fired back, striking him in the chest. Her truck sustained eight bullet holes in the hood, one in the grill. Both front side windows were destroyed. The second man fled after she shot at him.

Campbell, who owns convenience stores and gas stations, always is armed.

Police say 32-year-old Brenton Lance Spencer has been hospitalized and was charged with aggravated assault and attempted armed robbery.

Well, good for her.

I have no problems with guns, I just think that a little firearm education can go a long way and prevent tragedies like this one. Steven Egan, a Floridian in case you needed to be told that, shot his girlfriend.

Why? Good question.

Becasue he thought she was a wild hog.

A Florida hunter accidentally shot his girlfriend thinking that she was his target — a wild hog.

Cops said that Brandon man Steven Egan, 52, was hunting from a tent in Flagler County on Saturday when Egan heard a noise that he thought was similar to that of his prey. He took a shot at it, not realizing his significant other wasn’t in the tent with him, according to the Orlando Sentinel.

The shot sent a .30-caliber rifle bullet through both of 52-year-old Lisa Simmons’ legs. Simmons was airlifted to the hospital where she was recovering from surgery on Sunday, the News-Journal reported.

Egan maintained that he fired in the first place because he had seen a real hog just minutes before the accidental shooting, WFTV reported. No charges were filed.

“No honey, I didn’t say you looked like a pig, just that you rutted like one.”

You know what, I bet they get married and use that as one of those “How we fell in love” stories at church.

But, no matter what you do, allow me to be the first to tell you that you should never order Hand Shredded Ass Meat. And, yes, this is an issue that may come up in your life.

Overseas tourists often find the menus here befuddling, for good reason.

After all, what Westerner has experience with foods like these? “Cowboy leg,” “Hand-shredded ass meat,” “Red-burned lion head,” “Strange flavor noodles,” “Blow-up flatfish with no result,” or “Tofu made by woman with freckles.”

As proud as the Chinese people are of their thousands of years of gastronomic culture, even a Chinese native can feel disoriented when going to another province, given all the different styles of cooking. Many of the food names, often unique to different provinces, get lost in translation, especially in booming cities starting to embrace overseas tourists.

With few English speakers, restaurants usually translate their menus word by word directly from an English-Chinese dictionary. Or they just Google the Chinese characters. A photo that made the rounds online a few years ago got a chuckle from a lot of people: a restaurant with a large “page not found” sign above its door as its English name.

But the Beijing Municipal government hopes to end such unintended jokes with its new guidebook intended for the public and restaurants alike, “Enjoy Culinary Delights: The English Translation of Chinese Menus.”

The effort began in 2006 with a “Beijing speaks English” campaign. By the 2008 Summer Olympics, officials had created a draft guide with translations for major restaurants to meet the demand for arriving athletes and tourists.

“After 2008, we felt like the book was in a good demand, so we kept working on it and collected more menus. Finally we translated over 2,000 Chinese dish names,” said Xiang Ping, deputy chief of the “Beijing speaks English” committee, in an interview with NBC News.

Some of the dishes kept their original names, which people familiar with Chinese food may understand: jiaozi, baozi, mantou, tofu or wonton.

Some more complicated dishes come with both Chinese pronunciations and explanations: “fotiaoqiang” (steamed abalone with shark’s fin and fish maw in broth); “youtiao” (deep-fried dough sticks); “lvdagunr” (glutinous rice rolls stuffed with red bean paste), and “aiwowo” (steamed rice cakes with sweet stuffing).

Chen Lin, a 90-year-old retired English professor from Beijing Foreign Language University, was the chief consultant for the book.

He told NBC News that about 20 other experts – like English teachers and professors, translators, expats who have lived in China for a long time, culinary experts and people from the media – helped develop the final version.

So next time you’re in Beijing and you are confronted with a menu item like “hand shredded ass meat,” hopefully you can crack open the book to get some guidance. It means “hand shredded donkey meat.”

Oh, it’s donkey meat? Well, that’s okay then.

NOT!!!!!!!!

So, in review, avoid teenagers, revenge porn, Floridians and guns. Oh, and Hand Shredded Ass Meat. Can’t forget that.

And if you’re not sure, go shopping with the Hippoteers.

Aisle 2 from Alejandra Guerrero on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

A lot of what motivated me today can be traced to Samantha Brick. She’s the moaning cow in England who claims that women hate her because she’s too pretty. By “too pretty” she seems to mean “walks upright and has majority of her original teeth.” She talks about how men give her lots of gifts. That is the textbook definition of how men treat slutty mistresses. So, by “too pretty” we discern what she really means is “puts out on first date with other women’s boyfriends.” Which is fine. There’s nothing wrong with sluts. God knows a couple got me through some needy times. But please don’t confuse the issue. The way men act around her has nothing to do with her looks. Other than in a rudimentary, she’s better than roadkill, sort of way. Of course it doesn’t help that she’s blond and dresses like she just left a thrift store.

That being said, things must be pretty bad in the U.K. is she’s the hottest thing going.

But they’re still better than Kentucky where police arrested a man for watching wrestling videos. Oh wait, I mean they arrested a man at the library for jerking off to wrestling videos. Which, sadly, only reinforces my thoughts on professional wrestling and it’s target market.

And it’s certainly better than in Israel where people have been getting that special feeling by eating Honey Sex.

Scientists tested the “Honey Sex” and discovered the chemical Sildenafil, known as the active ingredient in the erectile disfunction drug Viagra.

The Health Ministry is warning Israelis against using the sweet stimulant. Consuming “Honey Sex” without consulting a medical professional could lead to heart problems or other side effects, the government statement said.

As an alternative, curious individuals who don’t strictly follow the laws of Kashrut might consider Baconlube, a savory sexual lubricant with smokey pork flavoring.

Seriously? Israeli scientists are advising devout Jews to use a pork flavored lubricant? I’m sure they’ll be real popular this Passover.

Not to be outdone, cops in Glenn Falls N.Y. arrested a guy for public fornication in a bar. And then things got weird.

This bartender may start making patrons pinky-promise not to bite him after his harrowing ordeal.

The Times Union reports that a man was kicked out of a Glens Falls, N.Y., bar after he was caught having sex in a designated smoking room.

While he was being escorted out, police say Ernest Vannier bit the pinky finger of a male bartender, almost chomping the finger clean-off.

“He took the whole end of it off and broke the bone,” Police Sgt. Keith Knoop told the Post Star.

Thankfully, doctors were able to re-attach the finger, Knoop told the paper.

This latest finger-biting-battle comes just weeks after the Washington Post reported on a St. Patrick’s Day brawl that ended with one man’s finger being gnawed off.

C’mon people, I thought we all learned not to bite when we were 4. Actually there’s a lot of stuff we were taught when we were young that folks just seem to forget.

Of course, some people forget more than others. For example, who knew that Amish Gone Wild would be the scariest and most perverted thing going?

Who knew you could be so perverted without the use of any electricity?

There’s been a slew of disturbing reports from Amish country, and not the kind that bring in tourists hoping to see how butter is made.

Not that kind of butter, anyway.

This man, 26-year-old Chester A. Mast, is accused of various sex crimes across two states, including statutory rape, statutory sodomy, sexual misconduct involving a child, repeated sexual assault of the same child and incest.

Police say the Curryville, Missouri, man admitted to sex and oral sex with a girl under the age of 17. Police also say Mast also admitted to masturbating in front of a girl under the age of 15, according to Hannibal.net.

But that’s not the only sordid tale from Amish country. No… in fact, this Cousin Mose lookalike might be considered just plain normal compared to this next lot.

Police in Lancaster, Wisconsin, say they’ve arrested two Amish men and accusing them of incest, sex with minors as young as 5 years old and sex with a animals.

I never thought bestiality would be the lesser of the charge in any story in which it appears… but these farmers have managed to pull it off.

The two men charged are brothers: Christian G. Stolzfus, 19, and Dannie G. Stolzfus, 18, both of Fennimore, Wisconsin.

Between the two of them, they’re charged with having sex with at least six family members, a cow and a horse. according to Wisconsin’s Channel3000.com.

The Web site reports that Christian Stolzfus “is charged with repeated sexual assault of a child, four counts of first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; attempted first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; two counts of incest; exposing genitals or pubic area; and two counts of sexual gratification with an animal.”

In addition, Dannie Stolzfus “is charged with two counts of incest and sexual gratification with an animal,” according to the site.

And in case you’re wondering, police believe these alleged acts took place on at least two different farms.

The pair are facing nearly 500 years in prison — 400 for Christian, 90 for Dannie if convicted.

Who knows — they might even be shunned.

No, sorry, I got nothing funny on that one.

But thanks be to God for Florida. I gots lots funny there. First off, a story about beating your meat that puts the phrase in a whole new light.

Elsie Egan faces domestic abuse charges after the meaty onslaught – which followed a row over which kind of bread they should eat.

Disabled boyfriend Peter Schabhuttl, 49, said he was hit ‘on top of his head with an uncooked steak, approximately 10-16oz’ for wanting a bread roll instead of sliced bread.

Egan, 53, of Dunnellon, Florida, denied wielding the steak but said she slapped him several times ‘so he can learn’.

Police noted redness on Mr Schabhuttl’s cheek and crown.

Yeah, she done be learnin’ him up good. She done learned him that he be better off whacking off to wrestling videos than being anywhere near her.

I mentioned sluts earlier and how they like to be showered with gifts. What I did not mention was white trash hookers who turn tricks for Happy Meals.

Of course it happened in Florida.

A woman was arrested in a prostitution sting — but not before she got two double cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at a McDonald’s.

Christine Faith Baker, 47, was walking on a Southwest Florida street last Friday when she was approached by a detective working in the Manatee County Sheriff Office’s special investigations division, according to a sheriff’s office report.

After the undercover detective invited Baker into his car and the talk turned to sex, she said her fee would be two double cheeseburgers from the dollar menu at McDonald’s, the report states.

The detective bought the burgers for $2.75 and then Baker told him that he could also tip her $40 for her services, according to the report. After Baker gave the detective directions to a vacant lot, Baker was arrested by other agents and charged with prostitution, the report states.

Baker was released from jail on Saturday, according to the sheriff’s office website.

$40 tip? For less than $3.00 worth of food? Does she think she works for the government?

Anyway, just as a point of journalistic accuracy, I called the McDonald’s in question and found out that the double cheeseburger is not on the dollar menu, as claimed above, so that was why it was $2.75 instead of $2.07 as it would have been otherwise.

I also found out she’s a regular customer.

But I can’t let you go through your day thinking everyone screws up sex. The story of Rachelle Chapman should give us all

Nearly two years after she was paralyzed in a freak accident at her bachelorette party, Rachelle Chapman looks forward to becoming a mother and continues to show that a woman can be beautiful and confident even in a wheelchair.

TODAY has followed the journey of the 26-year-old from Knightdale, N.C., and her husband, Chris, since her accident on May 23, 2010, through their wedding and honeymoon in July 2011. Since their last appearance on TODAY, Rachelle has learned to drive a specially modified van and has experienced standing and walking with the help of specialized machines at a rehabilitation facility called “Project Walk’’ in Carlsbad, Calif.

She aims to write a book about her experiences to inspire others in similar situations and jokingly told Hoda Kotb on Friday that the working title is “Hot, Sexy, and Rollin’ on 24s.’’

“It’s not just the story about my life, my injury and us; it’s also the story about (how) you can be sexy and you can be pretty in a wheelchair, and you can have confidence,’’ she said. “We’re just normal people, and no matter who you are and what situation you’re in, you can have confidence.’’

Showing that confidence, Chapman entered the Ms. Wheelchair Pageant in North Carolina last week, where she came up short of the first prize. She also plans on going to schools to read students a children’s book titled “New Opportunities’’ to help kids understand spinal cord injuries.

“To be able to start a family would be one of my bigger goals for Rachelle, not only because I know how important it is for her, but I believe she deserves that,’’ her physical therapist, Kimberly Davis, told NBC News. “I know that she and Chris would be wonderful parents.’’

Chapman has radiated confidence since the day she was playfully pushed into a swimming pool at a party in Virginia Beach, Va., by one of her bridesmaids and fractured the C6 vertebra in her neck when her head hit the bottom of the pool. The accident left her paralyzed from the collarbone down.

Her wedding was postponed for more than a year, but Chris stayed by her side and she was eventually pushed down the aisle by her father to become his wife on July 22, 2011.

After an all-expenses paid honeymoon to Fiji courtesy of 1-800 Registry, which also sponsored the wedding, Rachelle continues to inspire with each milestone she achieves. In January, she took her first trip to the spinal cord injury center at “Project Walk” thanks to the charitable group Walking With Anthony, which is devoted to helping people cast aside their wheelchairs.

There’s quite a bit more to this story and some fun video as well. So, if you have the chance, go and read the whole thing.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.