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Once upon a time in a land not that far away I knew a guy who was a complete and total loser. And, yes, I realize that that’s redundant. I don’t care. He took epic fail to heretofore unimagined heights. I will give you an example; He found the love of his life in a brothel. Not once did it occur to him that her kindness and willingness to do fun stuff might, just might, be a part of her profession. To her credit, and I met her a few times, she never lied about what she was or what she wanted. The fact that he was willing to pay her three times a week was part of the deal as far as she was concerned. She only broke it off when he started introducing her as his fiancee. She did, as it turned out, have some ethics. I should note that I liked her. She was, and I imagine still is, bright, well read and funny. She was also well aware that she was fleecing a chump. I do believe he paid for two of her college educations before it was all over. Oh well, life goes on. Nevertheless, I tell you this to let you know that I am well acquainted with stupid. And as a connoisseur of the terminally dense I like to think that I can spot them a mile away and enjoy their arrival. I also like to think that this insight allows me to better present their antics to you, my beloved readers, than otherwise might be available.

With that out of the way let us commence with the blogging.

Noted creep, and borderline pedophile, Andrew Warren Hahn, was upset that a local pastor wouldn’t let him near the kids in church. So he threatened to kill him with a chain saw.

Because there are no guns in Florida, as you may have heard.

Earlier this month Andrew Warren Hahn, 29, allegedly allegedly contacted the 53-year old pastor of a Ponte Vedra Church and threatened to attack him with a chainsaw, according to the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office. Hahn had attended that pastor’s church until he was issued a trespass warning several years ago after he reportedly was caught watching kids from outside the windows of the church, the report said.

But he wouldn’t buzz off.

Despite the trespass warning, the Jacksonville Beach man continued to harass the pastor and other staff members at the church, deputies said.

Hahn was arrested in 2008 on a charge of video voyeurism after being accused of taking photos with his cellphone of children showering at a Ponte Vedra hotel. He was also arrested in 2010 for trespassing at that same hotel, according to the report.

While it’s still perfectly okay to kill the crap out of people in Florida, it’s nice to know they have some standards.

Speaking of killing the crap out of folks in Florida, Mark Cruz decided to test that law by shooting himself. Unfortunately for Mr. Cruz, he is one of three people not allowed to own a gun in Florida.

Does the stand your ground law apply to shooting yourself?

If so, it might help Florida convict Mark Cruz, who accidentally shot himself this week despite being barred from owning a firearm. The 28-year-old Wimauma man was injured when his .22-caliber pistol fell out of his pocket and discharged, sending a round into his leg, the Sun Sentinel reports.

Cruz was banned from owning a gun after a 2012 conviction on cocaine trafficking charges. That could be why he threw the gun in a lake after he shot himself, NBC Miami reports. He reportedly wouldn’t tell deputies where he obtained the weapon.

I can’t imagine why not. I’m sure he bought it from a NRA approved, reputable, dealer.

Also in Florida the Department of Health is warning people not to have sex with herpes infected monkeys. There is absolutely nothing I can add to that.

Moving out of the Sunshine State we head over to Jolly Old England, where a man who calls himself Hotcock showed police and doctors how he earned that name.

A man with the self-proclaimed nickname “Hotcock” is in hot water after allegedly getting naked and attempting sex with a Land Rover.

A court in Wales, UK recently convicted Daniel Cooper, 24, of indecent exposure. He was banned from going outside between 7 p.m. and 7 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays for the next three months.

The order stems from an August 18 incident where Cooper — who is known by the nickname “Hotcock” — was caught on surveillance video getting naked and then grinding against a blue 4×4 Land Rover Discovery, the New York Daily News reported.

Cooper told the court he was so drunk at the time that he did not remember his auto-erotic encounter until he saw the video.

The Land Rover was not available for comment, but it wasn’t the only inanimate object that caught Cooper’s eye during that evening, according to the Mirror.

Earlier in the evening, witnesses saw him bumping and grinding with the counter on a kebab shop and simulating sex on the floor with his pants around his ankles. He was also seen walking down the street with his pants pulled down.

Cooper, a father of three, also urinated in the streets. When he was arrested, he admitted to officers that he rarely drank, according to the Telegraph.

Besides the 3-month nighttime ban, Cooper was ordered to pay a $134 fine.

His attorney, Gary Harvey, told the court that his client was mortified by his actions and that his behavior toward cars and kebab counters was out of character.

“He is a responsible family man who looks after the children while his wife went out to work” he said, the International Business Times reported.

That may be, but both the Mirror and Telegraph pointed out that Cooper changed the name on his Facebook page to Daniel Hotcock Cooper only after he was arrested for his 4X4-play.

Besides the sentencing and fine, Cooper can expect to be razzed about his drunken behavior for the rest of his life.

“Daniel will never live this down,” an unidentified pal said. “He is not a pretty sight when naked. We all felt sorry for the Land Rover and hope it wasn’t offended.”

You will be pleased to know that there is a website dedicated to people who want to have sex with cars.

Of course there is. Why else was the internet invented?

Heck, I once wrote about a guy who was in a committed relationship with a car, so this is nothing new.

Just in case none of the above are stupid enough for you, allow me to introduce you to the wonderful Felix Becerra. This pinnacle of genetics is a manager at a McDonald’s. Where everyone know him. And knew him even better after he robbed the joint during business hours.

He wasn’t there for the overtime.

The manager of a Pleasanton, Calif., McDonald’s robbed his own store and then another at gunpoint, the Pleasanton Police Department said.

On Aug. 28 at 3 a.m., Felix Becerra, 42, allegedly donned a white mask and brandished “what appeared to be a small caliber revolver” to threaten employees at the drive-through window of the McDonald’s he ran. According to a police advisory, he forced three workers to open a safe in the office so he could take the money. The suspect then herded the employees into the freezer and ordered them to stay there for 30 minutes, escaping with an undisclosed amount of cash, the report said. No one was injured.

Becerra’s downfall was apparently attempting a similar heist Sept. 2 in San Mateo. Again he left with the money and no one was injured. This time, however, he was later apprehended in his vehicle by police and jailed. Cops say in the bulletin he fit the description of the suspect in the previous robbery and eventually confessed to both crimes.

The stolen money and a silver replica revolver were reportedly found in the car.

Becerra, also identified as Felix Jeronimo Gonzalez-Becerra in some reports, has pleaded not guilty to kidnapping and robbery in the San Mateo case, the Los Angeles Times reported, and he will be charged separately in the Pleasanton crime. He is being held without bail.

I bet he’s not getting a Happy Meal (TM) now.

Also, the next time he gets asked if wants to super size that it will be in a shower.

Yeah, that’s not good.

We close our tale of woe today with the story of Mr. Terry Antone Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins, and I use the term Mr. loosely here today, will be forever barred from possessing a man-card.

You won’t believe me. You’ll just have to read this yourself.

Family should always come first.

A South Carolina man is accused of assaulting his girlfriend during a three-way with her and her cousin.

Terry Antone Jenkins, 25, was charged with criminal domestic violence Saturday after police responded to an 8 a.m. call, WMBF News reports.

Jenkins’ girlfriend told the Horry County Police Officer who responded that she and her cousin were having a “threesome” and once Jenkins “finished,” the two female cousins continued to perform oral sex on each other, according to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun.

The kissin’ cousins angered Jenkins, according to the report. He allegedly grabbed his girlfriend’s hair and dragged her off of her relative before hitting her in the head and face and kicking her in the stomach. The officer noted a 3-inch scratch mark on the woman’s neck.

Jenkins, who claimed he did not hit either woman, was taken to jail. He was released the same day, and at 8 p.m., his girlfriend called police to say that Jenkins came to her home and attacked her again, hitting her in the chest before taking her cell phone and car.

Officials tracked Jenkins down and threw him in the slammer again on a second domestic violence charge, along with a charge of use of vehicle without consent.

Sometimes threeways go poorly even when the participants aren’t related. Last September, a Florida threesome went awry when one of the two women became jealous of the other and fired a gun into the ceiling. The chaos that ensued led to a SWAT team surrounding the house.

Let us count the problems with the above story, in reverse order;

(1) Sometimes threeways go poorly even when the participants aren’t related – That sentence should never exist.
(2) Oh wait, it’s a red state, never mind.
(3) Mr. Jenkins was living a Penthouse fantasy. Screwing up a night with 2 naked women is harder to do than screwing up a one car funeral.

A task for which Mr. Jenkins seems admirably prepared.

The good news is that everyone of our contestants today is legally eligible to vote.

Keep that in mind when someone says your vote doesn’t count.

WSHH Vixen:Beautifull April & Kianna Lynae… by troybellow

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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Some days the smorgasbord of life just overwhelms me. I’m like a kitten in a room full of empty boxes and little red lights. You can’t chase them all but you want to. But my job is to filter the inane from the insane and present you with something to help you get through the day. So, after careful consideration and due deliberation I decided to punt. Instead of concentrating on a single issue that interests and inspires you, like my work on the 3D Shape Shifting Jesus, I’m just going to throw everything against the wall and hope that something sticks.

For example, on the useful tip, if you want to survive a zombie apocalypse, and who doesn’t really, then you’ll need to know math. Michael Dhar, from Live Science, has everything you’ll need to know.

This equation could spell your doom: (bN)(S/N)Z = bSZ. That is, if you ever found yourself in the midst of a zombie pandemic.

That’s because the calculation describes the rate of zombie transmission, from one walking dead individual to many, according to its creators, Robert J. Smith?, a mathematics professor at the University of Ottawa who spells his name with a “?” at the end, and his students. Smith?’s work has inspired other researchers to create zombie mathematical models, which will be published with Smith’s work in the upcoming book, “Mathematical Modeling of Zombies” (University of Ottawa Press, 2014).

Though of course done tongue-in-cheek, Smith?’s study demonstrates why zombies are the viruses of the monster world. Their likeness to viruses makes the creatures ideal subjects for theoretical epidemiological analyses, which can be used to capture the public’s imagination as well as explore scientific principles, Smith? said.

So, cool, zombie math can help us survive other viral outbreaks. That’s good to know.

Also if not good then, at least, interesting to know is that nature may have provided proof that faster than light travel is doable. Charles Choi, also of Live Science, brings us that Einstein Universe shattering news.

The particles that make up light, photons, may live for at least 1 quintillion (1 billion multiplied by 1 billion) years, new research suggests.

If photons can die, they could give off particles that travel faster than light.

Many particles in nature decay over time. For instance, radioactive atoms are unstable, eventually breaking down into smaller particles and giving off energy as they do so.

Scientists generally assume photons do not break down, since they are thought to lack any mass with which to decay. However, while all measurements of photons currently suggest they have no mass, they might instead potentially have masses too small for current instruments to measure.

Last year I reported that scientists had come up with a mathematical construct that allowed for faster than light travel. It basically aped Gene Roddenberry’s, oft lampooned, warp drive. who knew old Gene was that visionary?

Speaking of visionary, I would be woefully remiss if I did not share the story written by Ramit Plushnick-Masti about the house made from beer cans.

A child of the Great Depression, John Milkovisch didn’t throw anything away — not even the empty cans of beer he enjoyed each afternoon with his wife.

So, in the early 1970s when aluminum siding on houses was all the rage, he lugged down the cans he had stored in his attic for years, painstakingly cut open and flattened each one and began to wallpaper his home.

“The funny thing is that it wasn’t … to attract attention,” said Ruben Guevara, head of restoration and preservation of the Beer Can House in Houston’s Memorial Park area. “He said himself that if there was a house similar to this a block away, he wouldn’t take the time to go look at it. He had no idea what was the fascination about what he was doing.”

Milkovisch passed away in the mid-1980s, but his wife, Mary, still lived there. Her sons would do work from time to time, replacing rusty steel cans with new ones and restoring a hurricane-destroyed beer wall. And when they feared for her safety because of the gawkers, they put up a privacy fence, embedding beer cans in that as well.

The neighborhood has rapidly transformed since Mary Milkovisch’s death in the mid-1990s, going from a working middle-class area to today’s condo- and loft-lined upper-class sector. But the home remains a well-known entity.

Determined to preserve this accidental piece of folk art, local nonprofit Orange Show Center for Visionary Art bought the property about 10 years ago, began a careful restoration of the house and opened it to the public.

“It shows the human nature of the individual is supreme. You can take the simplest thing, and it can actually affect a lot of other people,” said Houston resident Patrick Louque, who lived in the area when it was John Milkovisch’s pet project. “It’s totally grabbed me, and it’s probably totally grabbed the imagination of more people than I could possibly imagine.”

I can see that. Razor sharp edges and beer make for some fun times.

Nevertheless, since we are discussing frugality, let us turn out eyes to America’s second most glaring example of frugality at the expense of its employees, Mickey-D’s. Caroline Fairchild, of Huff Biz, writes about how University of Kansas undergrad, Arnobio Morelix, figured out that McDonald’s could double everyone’s salaries and barely need to raise prices.

McDonald’s can afford to pay its workers a living wage without sacrificing any of its low menu prices, according to a new study provided to The Huffington Post by a University of Kansas student.

Doubling the salaries and benefits of all McDonald’s employees — from workers earning the federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour to CEO Donald Thompson, whose 2012 compensation totaled $8.75 million — would cause the price of a Big Mac to increase just 68 cents, from $3.99 to $4.67, Arnobio Morelix told HuffPost. In addition, every item on the Dollar Menu would go up by 17 cents.

Morelix’s research comes as fast-food workers across the country strike for a $15 per hour minimum wage. Workers are also protesting for the right to unionize without fear of retaliation. Protesters are holding strikes in seven cities over a four-day period, according to Salon.

Morelix looked at McDonald’s 2012 annual report and discovered that only 17.1 percent of the fast-food giant’s revenue goes toward salaries and benefits. In other words, for every dollar McDonald’s earns, a little more than 17 cents goes toward the income and benefits of its more than 500,000 U.S. employees.

Thus, if McDonald’s executives wanted to double the salaries of all of its employees and keep profits and other expenses the same, it would need to increase prices by just 17 cents per dollar, according to Morelix.

McDonald’s declined a request to comment from The Huffington Post.

Read that again. They can double the CEO’s salary to $17,000,000 a year at a minimal impact to consumers. If they kept their upper management salaries the same and just doubled the in-store workers, the cost to consumers would drop to almost nil. since the company is already under fire for its clueless look at what it takes to live in the real world (Hey! Just work 80 hours a week!), now might be a good time for them to reassess their positions.

Speaking of reassessing a position, I may have to rethink how much credit to give to terrorists. Often portrayed as wily geniuses who plot our destruction I am beginning to think they are more akin to your goofy Aunt Gladys with the tinfoil hat. Jane Sutton reports that the most popular book for imprisoned terrorists is 50 Shades of Gray.

The “Fifty Shades of Grey” series of erotic novels are the favorite reading material among “high-value” prisoners at the Guantanamo detention camp in Cuba, a U.S. congressman said.
Representative Jim Moran of Virginia was among congressional delegates who last week toured Camp 7, the top-security facility that holds more than a dozen “high-value” prisoners, including five men charged with plotting the September 11 attacks on the United States in 2001.
“Rather than the Koran, the book that is requested most by the (Camp 7 detainees) is ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ They’ve read the entire series,” Moran said in an account first published by the

“I guess there’s not much going on, these guys are going nowhere, so what the hell.”

The guard tower stands at the entrance to detention facilities at the U.S. Naval Station in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, in 2012.

Moran, who favors shutting down the detention camp on the Guantanamo Bay U.S. Naval Base, said he learned about the book’s popularity while touring Camp 7 with the base commander and deputy base commander, the head medical official and the officer in charge of that camp.

Ahem. There are a bunch of guys wearing robes reading this;

“Show me how you pleasure yourself … Keep still … We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby … Let’s see if we can make you come like this … You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you … I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele … Hard … Come for me, Ana.”

No. You will never unsee that.

Anyway, nothing can take your mind of bad porn like good ice cream. At least that’s what I’ve been told. However, as Jonathan Stempel writes, you really shouldn’t mix the two.

A southern California pornography studio has reached an agreement with Ben & Jerry’s not to release DVDs and other X-rated products whose names pay homage to the company’s ice cream flavors.

The agreement made public on Tuesday resolves a trademark infringement lawsuit that Ben & Jerry’s filed last September against Caballero Video, also known as Rodax Distributors Inc.

It calls for Caballero to stop selling a variety of products including its “Ben & Cherry’s” film series, which included 10 titles such as “Boston Cream Thighs,” “Chocolate Fudge Babes” and “Peanut Butter D-Cups.”

Ben & Jerry’s had claimed that such titles were too similar to its ice cream flavors such as Boston Cream Pie, Chocolate Fudge Brownie and Peanut Butter Cup.

The agreement also covers labels, packaging and advertising that mimicked Ben & Jerry’s own. Caballero’s packaging featured puffy white clouds and grazing cows, and the slogan “Porno’s Finest.” Ben & Jerry’s uses the slogan “Vermont’s Finest.”

Ice cream porn or I SCREAM porn?

Yeah, that was low rent of me.

So there you have it. News you desperately needed to read all courtesy of the, self proclaimed, Segue King.

Rebecca Tun: Beautiful nightmare (NSFW) from Rollin' Rockstar on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
Visit us on Rebel Mouse for even more fun!
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