Do you like horror movies? I hope so, because we’re about to live in one. we’re going to do a deep dive into this but, for now, this sentence sums up the idiocy we’re facing; “For the recent public forum regarding Oxitec’s recent permit application in the US, there were 31,174 comments opposing the release of the mosquitos and only 56 in support.” What are we yammering on about? The United States Government, with the blessing of the governments of Florida and Texas, are going release genetically modified mosquitoes into the population. They are doing this over the objections of scientists, ecologists, people with more than a fourth grade education, anyone who’s read The Brittle Riders, and others. It’s a long list. You see, not only is this a bad idea, and I’ll explain why as I go on, it was a bad idea when I first wrote about it in January of 2015. [Read more…] about You Knew It Was Florida, Didn’t You?
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Florida + WalMart = Danger!
But, in Florida the reality is far darker. When WalMart opened the day after Thanksgiving several people were shot while arguing over parking spaces. Yes, you read that right. Of course your shock level goes way down when you realize that a Google search for meth labs inside WalMarts turns up 277,000 hits. That is considerably more than tap dancing Islamic fundamentalists by the way. Just in case you wondered what the real threats to our land are.
Police in Orange City Florida are still sorting out the story of the guy who unloaded a full clip into a moving car in a crowded parking lot because he wanted to mark it for the cops.
A man arrested for opening fire in a busy Walmart parking lot said he was trying to stop a shoplifter and is now defending his actions.
Orange City police arrested Jose Martinez, 35, after they said he unleashed at least five bullets in the parking lot of the Walmart on Veterans Memorial Parkway.
Martinez told Local 6, he was defending himself from a shoplifter who nearly ran him over and injured him.
“The guy put me in danger and other people,” said Martinez as police hauled him off to jail Wednesday evening. “He tried to run me over.”
But police said Martinez only was bumped by the shoplifter’s getaway car because he was chasing after the car and even tried to open the door to the moving vehicle before he opened fire.
Eddie McKee, 42, was caught shoplifting groceries at the Walmart and took off when security confronted him, knocking down a woman, according to police.
Several other people chased after the alleged shoplifter, Eddie McKee, and another man was armed but he never drew his gun. McKee was arrested in DeLand shortly after.
Police said McKee then jumped in his car and took off, but bumped into another car in the parking lot, that’s when police say bullets started flying.
“If the shoplifter was an aggressor towards him, then yes. If he wasn’t, then no, he shouldn’t have discharged his firearm,” said Tasha Olkowski.
“I saw one black gentleman running from the parking lot, he dove in his car. And there were two older gentlemen chasing him down. One drew a gun, ripped open the guys car door and screamed, ‘Freeze, freeze, don’t move!’ And then fired shots,” said one 911 caller.
As the bullets hit the getaway car — piercing the trunk and shattering the back window — police said bullets also hit at least two other cars.
Martinez said to Local 6, he thought nobody else was in danger by his gunfire and he was surprised police arrested him. Martinez started opening fire because he said he wanted to mark the suspect’s car as he fled from the scene. He has his concealed weapons permit but has been charged with two felonies, aggravated assault and shooting into an occupied vehicle.
After reviewing store security video, police said Martinez’s story doesn’t add up. They believe he was never in danger because the shoplifter was driving away from him and everyone else.
The one good thing that has come out of the Trayvon Martin affair is that Florida cops are far less likely, for now anyway, to write off hunting black people as acceptable. We take our progress where we find it.
Where we don’t find it is in Crawfordville, Fla. That is where a nice WalMart customer pulled a .38 on the staff because they wouldn’t honor a bogus coupon.
Some people will do anything to save a buck — even wave a gun at a Walmart employee.
Officials in Crawfordville, Fla., say when Mary Frances Alday, 61, was told she couldn’t use an Internet coupon at Walmart, she got angry. Real angry.
She allegedly called the manager who denied the dollar-off coupon “a bitch,” and then intentionally stuck her with a shopping cart, according to The Smoking Gun.
Alday was escorted out of Walmart, but she went to her car, grabbed a loaded Smith & Wesson .38 Special and came back in the store and threatened employees with it, WTXL-TV reported.
She left the scene, but was later arrested during a traffic stop, and reportedly had to be tased to get her out of her 2011 Ford Escape. She also allegedy hit the investigating officer several times, according to the arrest report obtained by The Smoking Gun.
Alday faces four counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, one count of battery, one count of battery on a law enforcement officer, and resisting arrest with violence.
Reports are still not clear but, as best as I can tell, the coupon was expired and for a different chain.
So there you have it kids. WalMart is a dangerous place if you’re in Florida and a silly one everywhere else.
Fuck Me, I’m an Artist – by STEVE FOX from Steve Fox
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Thank God for Florida

Before we begin I just want to ask the nice people at the NRA a simple question; Not to say that you’re all racist, self serving, sociopaths who have no regard for humanity, but where was the call to arm all hoody wearing Skittle lovers when Trayvon Martin was shot? I’ll hang up and wait for your response. Moving on. It has to suck to be John Boehner right now. Believe it or not he’s not a moron. He has a narrow point of view, that is true, but he’s not stupid. However his entire political career is built on appeasing people who make the NRA look enlightened. Good for him. But his job title is Speaker of the House of Representatives for the United States of America. And it is Americans who elected President Obama. And those people are in the majority and they disagree with Speaker Boehner’s constituents. Vehemently in many places. Worse, for him, these new Americans are growing in number, voice and strength. Now, how does he keep getting re-elected while not flushing the country he allegedly serves down the drain. I don’t believe he can do both.
But those are minor concerns. It is the end of the year and that means I need to cough up the annual hair ball known as the “end of the year” list. I hate those lists but they are expected, like 3rd date sex. Fortunately for me WTSP (Tampa) published an awesome list of stupid stuff Floridians did in 2012.
Small fact; Floridians make up the largest percentage of guests on the Jerry Springer Show.
Small fact number 2; Jerry Springer released a country album.
Yes, those two small facts are related.
In 2012, Florida was a state where a lifeguard got fired for saving a life, a woman got arrested for riding a manatee and a man repeatedly used 911 as a phone sex service.
Think that’s weird? It gets worse and more tragic.
In one of the state’s most horrifying stories of the year, a man stripped a homeless man naked and attacked him in Miami, chewing off most of his face before police fatally shot him. And it wasn’t the only story of its kind. In Manatee County, deputies used multiple Tasers to subdue a naked man who bit off part of another man’s arm.
Later in the year a man won a roach-eating contest outside a Deerfield Beach pet store and then dropped dead in front of the store when body parts of the dozens of roaches he swallowed blocked his airway.
“We tend to be a magnet from every direction for all kinds of sketchery,” said Billy Corben, a documentary film director whose works include “Cocaine Cowboys” about Miami’s cocaine wars in the 1980s. “It’s very late in the game where we go, `That dude? I guess he seemed kind of weird.'”
Corben, whose “The Billy Pulpit” website compiles weird Florida news, said Floridians tend to show up in high numbers on “The Jerry Springer Show” and “America’s Most Wanted.”
And odd stories elsewhere always seem to have a Florida tie – like former CIA director David Petraeus’s extramarital affair being exposed through a Tampa socialite. And when anti-virus software founder John McAfee ran from Belizean authorities who wanted to question him about the slaying of a neighbor, he wound up in Miami Beach, where he shopped, ate sushi and posed for photos with tourists.
“The state seems to either passively or directly endorse all of this lunacy in some way or another,” Corben said.
Then again, this is the state where Gov. Rick Scott mistakenly gave the media a phone sex number to promote a meningitis hot line. After a broadcaster posted it, at least one caller was greeted with a recording of “Hello boys…” from a lusty sounding lady.
Several gaffes involved hunting Floridians.
There were the two guys in Santa Rosa County who used a bow and arrow to kill a neighbor’s pet turkey, which they planned to eat on Thanksgiving. Then there was a Flagler County man who shot his girlfriend in the legs because he thought she was a wild hog.
A mother and daughter were sentenced to two months in jail for using two dogs to kill a farm-raised pig in their backyard. They posted video of the attack on Facebook, which led to their arrest.
Ah, Facebook! It caused trouble for several other Floridians.
A Sarasota County man was kicked off a jury after a judge learned he sent the defendant a Facebook friend request. The juror further infuriated the judge with a Facebook post bragging about getting dismissed from jury duty. He was given three days in jail.
A Manatee County music teacher was issued a verbal warning for a Facebook conversation in which she described an 8-year-old student as the “evolutionary link between orangutans and humans.” A high school science teacher also had some explaining to do when she put a cone-shaped dog collar on at least eight students and the “cone of shame” photos appeared on Facebook.
Those weren’t the only strange events in Florida schools.
A Plant City teacher was charged with trying to hire a hit man to kill another teacher he suspected was spreading rumors about him.
And a man showed up at his kindergartener’s school to retrieve a bag of marijuana and a scale he left in the boy’s backpack. More evidence that pot affects short-term memory? An 18-year-old Tampa woman wascharged with DUI and marijuana possession three times in less than three weeks, the last two times on back-to-back days.
Bunnell police charged a man with riding a horse while intoxicated after he led officers on a half-hour chase, while a 52-year-old St. Petersburg woman was arrested after police foundphotos of her riding a manatee.
Floridians also showed that they’ll steal just about anything. An Ocala woman told police thieves stole her Thanksgiving turkey from a freezer in her garage; a man was charged in Lakeland after police said he stole two swan eggs from a nest and cooked them; about 150,000 baby clams were reported stolen in Lee County; and a South Florida woman had hundreds of parrots stolen from her home.
Perhaps the oddest was a Reddick woman who drove home to findsomeone stole her driveway, carting away 300 square feet of brick pavers.
And it’s not as if Florida authorities don’t take theft seriously. A judge in Ocala sentenced a homeless man to 180 days in jail and fined him $500 for stealing $2 worth of candy.
Then there was the guy accused of selling methamphetamine in Polk County who swiped the recorder with his confession and flushed it down a toilet. The suspect told the detective, “Tighten up on your job, homie.”
Even more embarrassing, a Broward County deputy was fired for repeatedly visiting strip clubs while he was on duty and wearing his uniform, sometimes skipping official calls. A West Palm Beach strip-club owner unsuccessfully sued a competing club to block the appearance of Nadya Suleman, claiming the woman best known as “Octomom” agreed to strip at his club first.
Speaking of celebrities and sex, former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan sued a DJ named Bubba the Love Sponge Clem over a secret tape of Hogan having sex with Clem’s wife.
While not quite sex on tape, 911 audio recordings were released of a Tampa man who repeatedly called the emergency line and asked the operator to come over for sex.
A Florida legislator suffered some embarrassment after “selfies” that showed him posing in his underwear made the rounds online. In a statement, he said the pics were only meant to show weight loss and how he was in good health while fighting diabetes.
Florida’s unique wildlife always finds a way into the news. An airboat captain near Everglades City was showing an Indiana family how tofeed alligators when a 9-footer bit his left hand off. Authorities later charged him with illegally feeding an alligator.
A South Florida teen also lost an arm in a gator attack, but managed to battle the animal off using knowledge he learned from watching the TV show “Swamp Men.”
A man strolling along Pompano Beach found a giant blue eyeballand turned it over to authorities. Wildlife officials said it likely came from a swordfish. This story ended up topping National Geographic’s “10 Weirdest stories of the Year.”
A rhesus macaque dubbed “The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay” was caught after several years on the loose, weeks after the primate attacked a St. Petersburg grandmother. The monkey now has a new home in Dade City.
On another South Florida beach, a lifeguard was fired for helping save a man from drowning. It turns out the man he saved was just outside the area that Hallandale Beach hired a private company to protect. The company said it was at risk once the lifeguard crossed the boundary.
In miscellaneous Florida weirdness:
– A man who won an auction for the contents of a Pensacola storage unit discovered it contained dozens of preserved human brains, hearts, lungs and other organs that had been collected by a former medical examiner.
– A teenager is recovering after shooting off his penis and testiclewhile cleaning a gun he just bought.
– A Jacksonville man was arrested after he allegedly used enemas and then returned them to pharmacies resealed, claiming they were unused.
– An 18-month-old girl was pulled off a flight in Miami because the airline thought she was on the U.S. no-fly list of suspected terrorists.
– An Orlando couple was caught having sex in public… on a patio table… at a restaurant… in full view of children.
And finally, in what will go down in the first date from hell hall of fame, Boca Raton police say a 35-year-old woman attacked a man with a knife and smashed his windows after he refused to say they were boyfriend and girlfriend at the end of their first date.
The First Date From Hell Hall Of Fame.
I win. Or, at least, I’m a member.
In 1981 I met a nice young lady at a bar (I had a fake ID). We laughed, we joked, we agreed to see each other the next Saturday. She seemed sane. Well, keep in mind that I was 20 years old, horny as any healthy 20 year old male, and she had a rack you could land aircraft on, so my sanity meter might have been off.
A little.
So Saturday arrived. We had dinner, drinks, desert and she asked me back to her place.
I mentally high fived myself and agreed.
Clothing became optional and we ended up in her bedroom. I let her get on top, you would have too, and then she suddenly pulled a .38 from under the mattress, stuck it in my mouth and said “Promise me you love me.”
Long story short, I professed love at a a level not seen since Heathcliff.
Before I could leave she took my ID. So, somewhere, there is a young (then) lady who is waiting for a return call from Mike McConnell, a 23 year old AT&T employee.
Thank God she’s not looking for me.
The answer to your obvious question, “Hell Yeah it was worth it.” She did things that are illegal in many states.
Robotic Wednesdays feat. Lucky Date – 02.16.11 from BALEOUT
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Why Police in Florida Should be Allowed to Drink on the Job – Heavily, if Need Be
In fact, the whole “naked Floridian criminal” thing has gotten so out of hand that I’ve stopped writing about it unless it involves something truly spectacular.
But even without the nudity and public defecation, cops in Florida deal with stuff other police departments don’t even see in sit-coms.
For example, Police in Tampa had to run down a criminal – in court.
A defendant became belligerent and ran through the Hillsborough County Courthouse, striking a police officer, according to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office.
Adam Manuel Lee Raicies, 25, reportedly appeared irritated during his sentencing on Tuesday on a charge of giving false information to a law enforcement officer. When the judge sentenced Raicies to probation, he allegedly refused to sign the paperwork before taking off.
Bailiffs and Tampa police officers chased Raicies through the courthouse. When they caught up with him, he allegedly struck an officer in the face with his elbow.
The judge scheduled a contempt of court hearing and filed additional charges against Raicies, including battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting arrest without violence.
Just where did he think he was going? He was in a building where everyone BUT HIM carries a gun and a radio. Those are not good odds.
But, I would still have to say that he had a better plan than these two gentlemen who were arrested in Naples. They thought that the quiet room in the back of the squad car was the best place to smoke a joint and discuss their crimes.
Jacques Leonce Saintil, 19, and Vernon Denard Jones, 21, two suspects in an East Naples home burglary, were picked up after a concerned neighbor saw them enter a house while the the home’s residents were away, reports the Naples Daily News.
They reportedly told authorities they didn’t know anything about the break-in.
But while the duo were being hauled off to the the slammer, they were taped on an in-car video system discussing the burglary and passing a joint back and forth in the backseat of the patrol car, according to an arrest report.
Gotcha! Pass the joint and go directly to jail.
Have you noticed that the newspapers in Florida don’t even bother with words like “jail” anymore? Nope, these dudes were hauled off to the “slammer.” I guess at some point it all becomes somewhat overwhelming having too write about these yahoos day after day after day …..
While we’re here, maybe we should add 911 operators to our list as well. Broward County Sheriffs had to take time out of their busy day to go arrest a woman who was in love with a bologna sandwich.
No, I am not making this up.
Christine Lee Brown was busted for repeatedly calling 911 to thank the Brevard County Sheriff for bologna sandwiches she was served at the jail, reports WKMG CBS News-6 in Orlando.
When Palm Bay cops showed up at the 51-year-old’s home, she was chatting with a 911 dispatcher, records show.
Now she’ll be getting even more bologna sandwiches.
They’re not that good people, trust me on this one. No one, and I mean NO FREAKING ONE, goes to jail for the cuisine.
While I have made fun of Florida’s politicians, rightly so I might add, for being dunderheads when it comes to writing laws, their police deserve to be lauded for one ongoing program they have had in place for a while now. They run one of the best anti-child sex operations in the country. The latest sting in Valusia County netted some real winners.
Psst, cyber perverts, get a clue: No mom in the real world wants you to have sex with their 14-year-old daughter.
But men seem to continually fall for this undercover online sex sting, actually believing moms would allow their 14-year-old daughters to have sex with a stranger they have connected with online.
And it just happened again in Florida.
This time 23 men were nabbed in Volusia County, traveling as far as 120-miles believing they would have sex with a 14-year-old girl, according to a news release from the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.
The latest roundup included three students from Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University.
Most of the men brought condoms, which shows intent, according to the release.
No way?
Way…as in Paul D. Way, a 36-year-old Army reservist from Melbourne, even brought a teddy bear, along with a couple of hydrocodone pills (and) a handwritten, signed contract with blanks for both mom and daughter to sign giving him permission to perform sex acts on the phantom 14-year-old girl, the release stated.
John F. Williams, 66, a semi-retired doc from Port Orange, reportedly brought a whole box of condoms, a couple of bottles of vino, some sex toys…and Viagra.
Here are some men that fell for the ‘family fun’ sex sting in the past.
Dunnellon: Teacher traveled to meet 14-year-old for sex in sting
It looks like this Naples firefighter’s career just went up in flames: Firefighter falls for family fun sex sting, deputies say
NASA cop busted: Accused of trying to have sex with ‘teen’ and ‘mom’
Minneola: Firefighter sought sex with woman and daughter, 7. This civilian fire captain at a North Carolina Air Force base traveled all the way to Lake County for his “hookup.”
Osceola County: PGA golfer fell for ‘family fun’ sex sting, deputies say
Those are just the recent busts from the last couple of months.
Anyway, kudos to the Florida cops for keeping those creeps in jail where they belong.
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Florida + Animals = ?????
But one animal law that Florida has had on the books for decades finally got put to the test. While you may have been allowed to do the horizontal mambo with a moo moo, you have never been allowed to ride a matinee.
Kids, have your parents explain the word “priorities” to you. It will be fun.
A woman who police said was seen touching and riding a manatee in Fort De Soto Park in Pinellas, Fla., over the weekend turned herself in to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office, Tampa Bay Times reported.
Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez, 52, told police Tuesday that she wasn’t aware what she did was against the law, the report said.
Witnesses gave authorities her description and photos of her riding the sea cow, which is a second-degree misdemeanor. She was seen riding the manatee at 1 p.m. Sunday in the water north of Gulf Pier, authorities said.
Gutierrez was not arrested or charged, but the charges were referred to the state attorney’s office, according to the Times.
The Florida Manatee Sanctuary Acts states that: “It is unlawful for any person at any time, by any means, or in any manner intentionally or negligently to annoy, molest, harass, or disturb or attempt to molest, harass, or disturb any manatee.”
Authorities say the penalty for the woman could be up to 60 days in jail and a possible fine of $500.
Authorities don’t believe any manatees were injured.
“It’s a wild animal. It’s not something to be ridden,” Susan Butler, a manatee expert with the U.S. Geological Survey in Gainesville, told the Times. “I can’t say that as a biologist I would ever, ever condone that, or say that (the manatee) wanted them to do that.”
Here’s where we find out about statutes of limitations and extradition laws. When I was a kid I would visit relatives in Florida and we rode manatees all the time. They’re friendly and, as long as you don’t startle them, reasonably safe to be around. Also, they tend to live in and around harbors so they are pretty used to people.
Not that I want to advoacte anyone trying for a Humanatee hybrid, but swimming around them seems fine.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the law. It was designed to keep yahoos from harming these gentle beasts. People used to deliberately hit them with their boats and leave horrible gashes on their flesh which would, sometimes, kill them.
The manatees, not the yahoos. Sadly.
Anyway, the law, like most laws in Florida, is poorly written and erratically enforced. I doubt that anything will happen to the fun loving lady.
But up in the land of super strip clubs and pawn shops, they have a different problem with an animal whose name starts with “m.”
That’s right, the Mysterious Monkey of Mongo Mongo (actually, Tampa Bay) has decided to attack the local residents.
Well, one of them anyway.
A woman who fended off an attack by a celebrity simian known as the ‘Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay’ was recovering from her injuries on Wednesday as authorities searched for the wild animal, Florida wildlife officials said.
The woman, who said she didn’t want her name to be released, was reportedly sitting on her front porch on Monday when the monkey jumped on her back and began scratching and gnawing on her skin. She reached behind, grabbed the monkey’s leg and tossed him in to the bushes before he ran off, Gary Morse, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission told the Tampa Bay Times.
“She could hear the clicking of teeth,” the woman’s daughter told the newspaper, who said she was inside cooking when she heard her mother scream.
The woman suffered several puncture wounds and scratches and was taken to the hospital, where doctors gave her shots to prevent infections.
The monkey, which has gained notoriety in recent years after numerous sightings throughout the area, is a 40-pound wild rhesus macaque, which officials believe may have been cast out of a colony in Silver Springs near Ocala, Fla.
Officials in the area were attempting to track and trap the monkey Wednesday morning. Morse said they will try to trap the monkey alive, but given the attack it’s possible that trappers will have to kill it, he said.
Residents say the monkey has never been aggressive until now, the Times reported.
Officials said in the past year, the monkey has settled quietly into the area where residents have given him food despite warnings from authorities about coming into contact with the animal.
“The public was warned about the dangers of feeding this animal,” Morse told the Times. “It is a shame that it has come to this. Human kindness and food cannot overcome millions of years of genetic evolution.”
The monkey has become something of a celebrity, the Tampa Bay Times reported. A Facebook page for the mystery monkey has been featured on Comedy Central’s “Colbert Report” and in a National Geographic special.
Officials are asking anyone who sees the monkey to stay away and call police immediately.
Forget the monkey, here’s where I call BULL***T.
- (1) Monkeys, pound for pound, are four times stronger than humans. If it has you in its grasp you aren’t just going to grab the monkey’s leg and toss it in the bushes.
- (2) monkeys that are used to humans only attack for four reasons
(a) They are provoked
(b) they are insane (this does happen often enough to make it a concern)
(c) If they are teased with strong smells or shiny objects
(d) If they see food
None of the above seem to apply to her story. Just a sittin’ & a grinnin’ won’t set a monkey off. If this woman was really attacked by a monkey she wouldn’t have minor scratches, she’d be hooked up to tubes while doctors grew her new skin.
What probably happened was she was a sittin’ & a grinnin’ on her porch a=waving some food at the poor little dude and he got tangled up. He would be easy to disengage then since he would want off just as much as she wanted him off.
Of course, I’m looking for logic and facts in Florida.
That monkey’s doomed.
WeWereMonkeys: Land of Talk – It’s Okay from WeWereMonkeys on Vimeo.
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