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2013 is drawing to a close. Various and sundry holidays will be celebrated, food will be eaten and alcohol will be consumed. And at some point you will meet someone who had the perfect year or has the greatest family in the universe or who rescues puppies and finds them homes with millionaires or who has proof that humans are actually a hybrid of gorilla and pig DNA. And at that point that little voice inside your head will say, “Wow, these people are full of shit.” Take the DNA dude for example. While it is true that humans have some DNA in common with pigs, we also have some in common with iguanas. You have a part of your brain called the reptilian core. No, none of your ancestors banged a lizard. It’s just that evolution tried lots of things on lots of creatures before it got to us. So, by the time out mutant spin off wandered the savannas, there was lots of stuff, quite a bit of it useless, in our make up. Evolution is not a straight line, it’s a bunch of branches and many of them are tangled. That being said, hybrids are creatures that are created when creatures from the same basic species. So lions and tigers can produce ligers since they are both feline. Lions and pigs, on the other hand, produce dinner for the lion. The reason I’m calling Mr. DNA out is that he’s asking for money to “continue his research” and, this holiday season, I want to make sure you don’t get sucked in.

Okay, moving on.

Pamela Meyer totaled up the whoppers and hoaxes of 2013 and put them all together in one easy read, so I thought I’d share them with you.

If North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un had whispered to his uncle, “Looking forward to seeing you over the holidays” it would have taken the cake on this year’s Top Ten List… but this year there were even stronger real contenders:

10. The “Diane” Flight Hoax

Diane was an airline passenger on Thanksgiving. Frustrated by holiday delays, her mood arced from agitated to hostile to sinister temptress that represented everything people hate about air travel.

Thanks to in-flight wifi, Diane — and her temper tantrums — became Internet celebrities before her plane’s wheels hit the runway. A producer for the hit ABC series, The Bachelor, took to Twitter to broadcast the play-by-play, while cheerfully provoking her and egging her on. The Arthurian battle ended in the terminal with Diane slapping him and airport officials threatening to arrest her. By then, social media was on fire with an impracticable display of both empathy and hate for the hapless traveler.

The only problem is that Diane never existed. The following week, the mischievous producer confessed the whole show was theater. Maybe it was a way of passing time on a painful flight; maybe it was a way to spin up an avalanche of new Twitter followers. Regardless, never believe those lying eyes… or those lying tweets.

9. Manti Te’o’s Imaginary Girlfriend

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o was having a career season. The Fighting Irish were destined for the National Championship game, and the All-American linebacker was leading the charge. The only catch? His girlfriend Lennay was stricken with leukemia. Manti told his teammates and the media alike the heart-wrenching tale of nights spent holding her hand, trying to pull her out of a deep coma.

On game day, Lennay passed away. Manti met the moment, inspiring his teammates and leading them to a 20-3, “win one for the Gipper” walloping of Michigan State. The following week, she was buried. But she had insisted Manti not miss his game. Another victory followed, and Lennay became a celebrity. Heisman trophy whispers orbiting Manti grew to a chorus. Charities were started, Notre Dame’s campus electrified.

If only she existed. Manti’s Shakespearean love drama unraveled just in time to distract the team ahead of the National Championship game. They lost to Alabama 42-14.

8. Barack Obama Flirts with his Danish Counterpart

Oh that incorrigible scamp Barack Obama! On a solemn occasion such as Nelson Mandela’s funeral, you’d expect some reverence from the Commander-in-Chief. Instead, an Agency France-Presse photographer snapped a few shots of the President giggling and playfully enjoying a coquettish chat with the comely Prime Minister of Denmark.

Bystander Michelle Obama’s stern look of disapproval added to the fun. A few moments later, in the seat-change heard round the world, the First Lady plopped herself between the two like the reincarnation of the Berlin Wall.

Social media, as social media is wont to do, blew up. Media outlets, as media outlets are wont to do, followed social media’s cues and hungrily ran “the sequel” to President Clinton’s noted philandering.

To the world’s dismay, the AFP photographer put a stop it all. “Photos can lie,” he wrote on the AFP blog. “In reality, just a few seconds earlier the first lady was herself joking with those around her, Cameron and Schmidt included. Her stern look was captured by chance.”

7. Jimmy Kimmel’s Twerking Prank

Before Miley Cyrus made the fiery booty shake colloquially dubbed “twerking” a household name, one poor young lady introduced the dance to the world in a somewhat more subtle, if not wildly painful, way.

She decided to film herself twerking, maybe for the Internet’s enjoyment, maybe for her boyfriend’s. But normal twerking simply wouldn’t do. That’s not the way to get a good video to go viral. Instead, she flipped herself in a handstand and twerked her front door like it was Kanye West. A hapless roommate opens the door, she falls onto some candles, and before you can click back to Amazon, the poor girl is screaming in terror as flames creep up her leg.

It took approximately 6 days for the video to hit 6 million views, or roughly the population of Denmark. It was somewhere in the range of 12 million views when late night host Jimmy Kimmel, known for his pranks, decided to confess the whole thing was nothing more than a spirited hoax.

6. Lance Armstrong Fesses Up

There’s nothing more excruciating to watch than a house of cards tumble. But how else can you describe cyclist Lance Armstrong’s fall from divinity? Over a decade of astounding cycling victories, coming on the heels of a nasty cancer diagnosis, Armstrong’s abilities seemed mythical.

Turns out he was juicing himself up like a reality TV version of the 6 million dollar man. When teammates, staff, competitors or anyone else dared challenge Armstrong’s integrity, the Tour de France champ resorted to intimidation, bullying, and the tried-and-true lawsuit.

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency eventually zeroed in on Armstrong like a cruise missile, and the walls started closing in. So where else to go but Oprah? Armstrong’s heartfelt penance in the daytime star’s confessional swept the chaff off of years of cheating and scandals. Though it’s reasonable to expect he was being truthful under her microscope, the culmination of 10 years of fibbing earns Armstrong the number 6 spot on the list.

5. Google Nose: Smelling is believing.

There are an astounding 12 billion Google searches per month. That type of attention has turned the search engine giant into a quasi public laboratory, where people watch the company do wildly fun and interesting things like build glasses that interact with the world, self-driving cars, and moon maps.

So no one smelled a rat on April 1st 2013, when Google announced its latest creation, Google Nose. Not at first, at least. In an admirably convincing video that was unveiled on the Google homepage, the wily tech wizards from California proudly proclaimed a breakthrough in “photo audio olfactory sensory conversion.” In English, it meant you could search for smells.

The date, of course, should have been a dead giveaway. Google was just having some April Fools’ fun. But the jig wasn’t up until the online and communications world exploded with a cheerful mix of confusion and enthusiasm. Consider it a user-warning for the next time April creeps around.

4. Amy’s Bakery

It’s no secret that businesses will bend, distort, twist, stretch, and ultimately break their word to lure in consumers. But it’s not always the big guys who do the fibbing.

Take the sad saga of Amy’s Baking Company. In a reality show where celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay tries to rescue failing eateries, even Lucifer himself of Hell’s Kitchen couldn’t put the owners on the straight and narrow. After enduring baffling stubbornness and a dismal work ethic, Amy’s Bakery was the first and only establishment Ramsay abandoned.

It got worse. Amy, the eponymous owner of the bilious bakery, was later caught reselling a stale old cake that she claimed was hers. Her ensuing Facebook meltdown bordered on madness, as Amy hysterically mapped out a conspiratorial alliance of “haters” and the downright jealous, all out to get her. Naturally, Amy and her bakery quickly found themselves the subject of viral Internet and media fame.

It’s more fun to pick on the Fortune 500s and their often-questionable relationship with the truth. But for Amy’s cringe-worthy train wreck of paranoia and blatant lying, this small business owner earns the number four spot on the list.

3. Anthony Weiner Comes Clean

After Congressman Anthony Weiner was caught distributing photos of his canoodle to individuals best descried as women other than his wife, he went into full rehab mode. Following the old time-tested political playbook, Weiner went to the media and admitted he lied, took some time off to “be with his family,” and reentered politics after the tidal wave of outrage receded.

The New York City Mayor’s race was the perfect target for the shameless Representative from Brooklyn. Weiner was justly apologetic. Humbled, he swore up and down that he had seen the error of his ways, insisted that he was whole again, that he learned his lesson. And it was working. As recently as May, some polls had him leading a crowded field of mayoral aspirants.

Then a young woman curiously named Sydney Leathers sank the ship. She blew the whistle on her well-documented online relationship with Weiner. His campaign’s following implosion was worthy of the Hindenburg.

Weiner finally confessed to a double-digit number of illicit relationships, including 3 after he was chased out of Congress. On Election Day, he stumbled to an ignominious 5th place finish.

2. Lesbian Waitress’ Bigotry Hoax

Americans are empathetic people. So when a struggling young lesbian waitress posted a restaurant recipient with a bigoted, anti-gay note in place of a tip, the sympathy — and the dollars — started pouring in.

For a time, Dayna Morales was the talk of the town. You couldn’t scroll through a Facebook newsfeed without seeing her story. Thousands of dollars found their way to the former Marine, who gallantly promised to donate the proceeds to the Wounded Warriors Fund.

That’s about where her story fell apart. A nice couple that frequented Morales’ restaurant spotted their receipt and some suspicious alterations on the tip line. Justifiably interested in clearing their name, the couple took to the evening news with their copy of the receipt, noteworthy for its 20% tip instead of a hateful note. They even dug into the their credit card statement to cement their alibi.

Morales was later caught flatfooted by a local NBC affiliate, wide-eyed and full of denial. Faster than you can say “cry for attention,” the restaurant did a short investigation and promptly let her go. And the Wounded Warriors? They’re still waiting for that check.
1.President Obama “If you like your insurance, you can keep your insurance.”

Nothing defines a presidency like a lie or empty promise that becomes a legend. Nixon fled the White House after Watergate. George H.W. Bush promised “Read my lips. No new taxes”. President Clinton will be remembered for “not having sex with that woman” and the impeachment that followed.

President Obama made many promises during his 2012 election run. But perhaps no promise was more punctuated than his insistence that if “you like your health insurance, you can keep your health insurance.” In what’s certainly one poor speechwriter’s regret, that line has replaced the Obama Administration’s hopeful clarion’s call of 2008 with the glum thumping of a tuba.

Three months after implementation of Obamacare and 15 months after the election, nearly 5 million Americans have lost their health insurance. And another 129 million more are vulnerable to losing their plans. Politifact has already rated it the Lie of the Year.

Whether the President was the victim of poor choice of words, poor policy, or poor politics, his empty assurance wins the title-belt of 2013’s sordid gallery of hoaxes, fibs, and whoppers.

There are some bonuses to the above stories. Sami Bouzaglo, the co-owner of Amy’s Bakery, is fighting deportation proceedings. Meanwhile the place is still there in the Scottsdale shopping mall just like it always has been and the Yelp reviews are fascinating.

As to President Obama, I don’t think he, or anyone else, realized how bad many of the existing insurance policies actually were. If your policy met the federal minimums you could keep it. Hooray! But it seems that about half of the policies people were paying good money for simply didn’t really cover much of anything. When I saw that lady on Fox complaining that her monthly premium was tripling from $50 to $150 I was stunned. $50 insurance policies are simply a nice way for folks to hand random strangers $50 that they can use on hookers and blow. They have no value beyond that.

That being said, this was his baby. Someone should have looked into it a little more before they fired up the teleprompter.

Cris Cab ft. Pharrell “Liar Liar” from Aggressive on Vimeo.

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People who’ve met me know that I’m a big fan of naked women. If I had my way every office would be festooned with them. Heck, as far as I’m concerned, there should be random naked women in bars just because. But, until recently, I was pretty sure I didn’t rule the world. But now I’m not so sure. There are a growing number of states looking to follow New York’s fine example and allow women the right to be just as topless as men in public. While it may not always be a good thing, it’s not always a bad thing either. For the ladies reading here today who want to know if they can go around town as God intended, just click here for a fun map of current laws. But, let’s be honest, my horn dog pandering for nekkid flesh can be seen by some as, at best, objectifying women. Yet, for many women, the act of being nude in public is somehow freeing. Never have these conflicting ideas been more apparent than in Robin Thick’s Blurred Lines video. 1/2 the viewers found it to be fun and cute. The other 1/2 thought it was porn. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground there. Me? I thought it was okay, I just still don’t understand the farm animal and banjo references.

Now, getting naked in public can have its uses. If your company sells nude calendars, then offering calendars of naked women makes complete sense. And if you’re a nude model named after an X-Man character, like Mystique, then a nude calendar is just what you need to drum up business. And if your company specializes in vintage burlesque, then a little racy calendar here or there is just the thing to brighten the holidays. And, obvously, if your company is called Beefcake, one for the ladies, then some beefcake is called for.

But if your company is called Hell on Heels, and your models and naked and barefoot, you lose me. The same applies to fans of Hungarian soccer teams.

I mean, you’re just making excuses at that point.

On the other hand England’s Warwick University has elevated nudity to a cause célèbre. Both the male and the female rowers get naked for good causes every year. The men pose against homophobia and the women are firmly against cancer.

Who the hell is pro cancer anyway?

Something tells me that people who like to row boats have a predisposition to getting naked in public. What else could explain the Newcastle University Boat Club’s decision to not only pose naked but dedicate a Facebook page to thier glorious nudity. Why they are all wearing winter boots is left unexplained.

Last November, not to be outdone and because the very nature of their business calls for it, a Polish coffin maker released a nude calendar. So many people were outraged that they did it again for 2013.

Libby Page, at the Guardian UK, seems as conflicted as everyone else when it comes to naked college kids.

I would never tell any woman what they can or can’t do, but I do have problems with nude calendars.

The purpose behind the calendar, to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support, is admirable. As is the women’s team’s refusal to let the men’s rowing team steal all the glory with their long-running naked calendar. I wish them every success with the project.

However, there are two groups of people that I think should be addressed when discussing this issue. The first is the large group of women who are tired of yet another reminder that sex sells. Although a naked calendar is undoubtedly a successful way to raise money for charity, are there not other, equally successful ways of raising money, that don’t involve taking your kit off?

For the team, the calendar may have been an empowering, liberating experience. But the flip side of the coin is that for many women looking at the calendar, it is another reminder of the objectification of women. A constant barrage of images that clearly portray women as sexual objects not only damages female self-confidence, it also makes women feel undervalued.

University naked calendars aren’t on a level with the Sun’s Page Three, but viewing 12 pages of naked women for your “pleasure and entertainment” might be seen by some as objectifying these students.

The other group that needs considering are the buyers of the calendar. It’s brilliant for the charity if lots of people buy copies, but it does make me think: why are the calendars being bought?

Of course many will be buying them to support the team and the charity. Nevertheless, there will be some buying the calendar for less than charitable reasons.

If the team are comfortable with that knowledge then that’s credit to them, but it is something that should be considered. Nakedness can be empowering and it can be liberating. But so often it can be turned into objectification.

Yes, Libby, some men who buy the women’s calendar will be waxing the old tent pole. Some men who buy the men’s calendar will be doing the same. Some women who buy the men’s calendar will be fanning the old fur. Some women who buy the women’s calendar will be doing the same. Naked pictures have that effect on people.

That”s why calendars such as Naked College Studs, another one for the ladies, are such solid sellers.

In fact, nude calendars are so popular that the ladies of the Jed Forest Hunt in England posed for one. They offer no reason but they seem to be having fun.

The subset of this, calndars of firefighters barely clad, actually has fan pages. If you manly firemen, just click here to enter the testosterone pantheon. If you prefer your firefighters estrogen enhanced, just click here and we’ve got you covered.

The men are doing it, for the most part, to make money for their respective fire departments. In case you’re wondering where your tax money didn’t go. The women are raising money to help burn victims.

Both worthy causes.

If you Google – when did that become a verb? – for 2013 nude calendar you’ll get everything from the self righteous to the silly to what you would otherwise expect.

And, yes, if you click the silly link you’ll be subjected to fat people who like canyons.

Something for everyone here today.

Of course, you’re asking the most important question there is right now; “What if I don’t have a cause and none of my friends want to get naked? How can I release a nude calendar?”

Fret not, there are tons of reasonably priced generic templates you can add your logo to.

Although it strikes me that only the very lonely or sad would go that route, there it is for you just i case.

One thing is for sure, from Suicide Girls to FEMEN to countless other organizations, don’t even get me started on PETA and its porn channel, more and more are turning to nudity to catch the public’s attention.

Now whether that’s a good thing or not I leave to you.

Simon Bolz Calendar 2013 (NSFW) from Simon Bolz on Vimeo.

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If you click this link it will take you to a list of scientific discoveries. Like any list it’s more of a conversation starter than immutable dictum. I found it a little too Eurocentric, but that’s not the point. The point is that, without much effort, they were able to assemble a list celebrating rational thought, research and the human spirit. All things that seem more and more like after thoughts these days. Robert Heinlein once opined that in the 1920’s astrologers and psychics were, at best, oddities and lived on the fringe. By the 1960’s people were asking him his sign and seriously using this bit of useless knowledge to make judgments on what type of person he was. There are apocryphal reports that he would reply “Not an idiot” when asked. Which is a very good reply in my book. Anyway one would think that, by now, people would have put the superstitions of their youth behind them. You would be wrong but you could be forgiven got thinking so. A while back I wrote about how James Fox, a scam artist and charlatan, offered $100,000 to anyone who could prove they had alien technology. This generous offer blithely ignores the fact that any possessor of true alien tech would be a billionaire. Of course he also offered to sell you his DVD that proves that aliens exist. One is funny because the evidence that he’s wrong is actually an integral part of his last cinematic effort. In case it gets confusing, just remember the phrase “human DNA” and you’ll be fine. Alien life wouldn’t be blessed with that particular anomaly. That’s why it would be alien.

But, while I can understand why the uneducated might think the lights in the sky are from Alpha Centauri, I am completely baffled by people like guy who paid for a soul cleansing at Wal Mart.

Yes, you read that right.

They said they’d cleanse his soul, but instead they just cleaned him out.

According to KOAT, a Santa Fe, N.M., man was leaving Walmart when three “witches” approached him and offered to cleanse his soul of a dark spirit that was following him.

Amazingly, the man went for their offer and followed the women to a white van, where he turned over jewelry and cash after they allegedly told him that money was the root of his problems. The man even went so far as to cash a $500 check at the Walmart, then return the money to the women, whom he said tore it up and kept it.

“At one time or another we are all gullible, but that was a little over the top,” Walmart shopper Joy Dale told KOAT.

The supposed cleanse must not have worked, because the victim of the scam reported the incident to police a few days later. The women were traced to a hotel, where they said the man had voluntarily given them the jewelry. There was no cash. Police returned the jewelry to the owner, but couldn’t charge the women because they hadn’t technically committed a crime.

Although most people would spot a scam like this a mile away, other people have used fear of demonic possession as a way of exorcising money from the purses of believers.

In 2011, a New York artist began selling $197 pendants to ward off demons that possess pets. She claimed to have designed the charm after her pet poodle became inhabited by an evil spirit.

Sadly, tales of demonic possession have turned deadly in the past. In 2012, a man and his family were convicted of killing a six-months pregnant English woman because they thought she was possessed by a demon.

According to prosecutors, Mohammed Mumtaz told police that his wife “started to grab her own face and was screaming in anger… [then] suffocated herself by putting her hand in her mouth and she tried to strangle herself.”

The jury did not believe that the woman had killed herself, and found Mumtaz, his parents, and his brother guilty of murder.

Believe it or not, even though we have a socialist Muslim president, it is still not illegal to just randomly do stupid things with your money. Although I have long posited that if we did make that illegal and made pot legal the whole economy would right itself in 3 weeks.

And I don’t smoke pot, that’s how you know it’s a good idea.

Now the above story is slightly different than the below. What Stephanie Thompson did was malicious and illegal. Even in Florida.

This just keeps happening again and again. This week, Boca Raton Police tossed the cuffs on another psychic accused to using her connection to the spirit realm to line her pockets with cash. Stephanie Thompson — who did her cosmic business under the name Stephanie Lee — had a plan of attack that was so textbook, it’s like reading a primer on psychic scams.

According to the Palm Beach Post, Lee first met her victim in May 2012 at the Psychic Tea Room on North Federal Highway in Boca. Below we’ve broken Thompson’s scam down into the familiar particulars.

The Curse. Thompson sank the hook into her client by announcing that the woman was cursed and that she’d need $2,000 to complete the psychic work necessary to smash the spell.

Shhhhh. The psychic then allegedly kept asking the woman for more money for the work. She also told the victim not to tell anyone else about the payments. Spreading the word would ruin everything, the psychic said.

You’ll Get It Back, No Worries. Besides, the sales pitch went, the psychic was just going to pray over the money and give it back to the victim. Once this was all over — the curse broken and happiness restored — the victim would have the money back.

The Cancer. Oh, but if the woman didn’t hand over the money, she might get the same cancer that befell her mother, the psychic promised, not only sinking that hook but twisting it a couple of times to prove the point.

In the end, the victim allegedly forked over somewhere in the neighborhood of $108,000. Thompson is being charged with grand theft and organized fraud. The 23-year-old psychic reportedly told police she lost the money at a casino (Peanut gallery: NOT VERY GOOD AT PREDICTING THINGS, RIGHT? RIGHT?).

One thing we’d like to point out here is that a year or so ago, very few psychic scams ever made it inside a courtroom. In part, this was due to the hurtles prosecutors faced — in the end, this is a crime in which the victim willingly handed over the money. But since the prosecution of Rose Marks, not to mention increased attention to the trend, more psychic cases are going to court.

Another problem is that people who believe in psychics don’t believe they’ve been conned. They naturally assume they did something wrong. And those rare ones who do realize they’ve been had often hate being humiliated in court.

This next con is actually impressive. It has been going on for years, is clearly financial fraud on an epic scale and this dude still walks among us right here in Chicago.

Say hi to the Ed Hubbard With School.

Witch School AKA Ed Hubbard Witch School, The cons and scams of Ed Hubbard Chicago, Hoopstown, Illinois Illinois

Witch School actually does have a valid teaching program for those interested in Wicca and the craft, it is the management that uses the good faith of students to solicit illicit gain. Here are a few points of fact.

Witch School owner, Ed Hubbard placed Witch School for sale on eBay in 2007. He became irate when it was suggested that he would not go through with the sale and that it was a sham. Several days later he stated that his computer crashed and prevented the sale never explaining how his computer mishap affected eBay’s servers. According to eBay the sale was pulled by the lister.

The real reason for the phony eBay sale came to light shortly thereafter in early 2008. After causing considerable concern among students who had purchased a “lifetime” membership Ed announced there was another way. He would incorporate and sell shares, which he did with great success. As of yet no one has received a dime in dividends and holders promised a buyback are still waiting. Stock reports have not been published for years.

Ed then tried to re-incorporate as non-profit. When he learned that would not relieve his financial misdeeds of the past the plan was dropped.

Ed’s next plan was to exploit a small group of young women in what he called the “Young Witches Project” or “Young Witches of Salem”. The young women worked for little or no pay, were forced by circumstance to live in less than suitable conditions and even work other jobs to help support the project. All the time being fed a series of lies by Ed Hubbard concerning interested producers and writers, along with movie and television companies promising big money just around the corner. Of course there were none.

Ed Hubbard says his latest project will cost $20.000 and he already claims to have collected half of that from donations. It is a book he wishes to put together although true to character he will not actually write any of it. He is looking for authors to donate all of that as well. Some of us know that Amazon has a company called “Create Space” that allows you to publish a book at little or no cost. I wonder what will happen to the rest of the donations and if we will in fact even see a book.

Ed Hubbard has recently announced his retirement as CEO of Witch School. This is more than likely to install a “Fall Guy” in that position while Ed retains the leadership.

Okay, let’s count the myriad problems with this story;

(1) No actual charges have been filed although I counted, at least, a dozen violations of the law, the least of which was the stuff with the money.
(2) The author has been a willing, if angry, participant since the beginning.
(3) Someone actually believed there was a school for witches in Chicago. Because nothing says “getting in touch with nature” like a day at the Willis Tower.
(4) While the address of the witch school mentions Hoopstown, a quick search there is no such town or neighborhood in Illinois. There is a Hoopestown, which is in east central Illinois and has nothing to do with witches. Or basketball for that matter.

In other words, had these bright and beautiful leaders of the future Wiccan movement spent 10 minutes of research they could have avoided this whole mess.

Joint Fighter Wing Strike Witches Ki AMV NSFW from Al Eclumie on Vimeo.

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First, a letter. Well, an email, but you know what I mean.

Dear Bill:

My wife and I’ve been listening to you and Brian for about a year. You’ve found funny things in odd places but not even you can find anything funny about the shut down.

Keep laughing.

Gary & Shiela Walker

Actually, it’s Ryan. Not that he’d care, I just feel that we should always strive for honesty in our conversations. Anyway, ye of little faith, I can get laughs out of the Old Testament.

Q: Where in the Bible is baseball mentioned?
A: In the book of Genesis: it starts “In the Big Inning ….”

Cheap laughs, I’ll admit, but laughs nonetheless.

Christopher Harress notes that the shut down isn’t just affecting Americans. No, really, there are these people on this planet, walking around and breathing our air, who are not Americans. It may seem impossible, but it’s true. You’ll just have to trust me on this.

As the partial U.S. government shutdown enters its second week, there seems to be little progress from either the Republicans or the Democrats to end the crippling standoff. After hundreds of thousands of federal workers were sent home, America started to feel the ripple effects, ranging from concerns by federal workers about meeting their financial obligations to local businesses in and around Washington, D.C., losing income.

1. Some European cemeteries are shut.

The United States has 20 cemeteries in Europe that hold the remains of about 125,000 fallen soldiers, mostly from the two world wars. The cemeteries that are paid for by the federal government will now remain closed until an agreement can be reached.

2. Some banks are trying their best to help.

Federal customers at TD bank received a surprise then the Canadian bank announced that it would give federal employees a $1,000 overdraft facility for free. But after Nov. 2, the recipients must pay it back or face the usual fees.

3. Military meat market.

Soldiers at Fort Campbell, Ky., reported seeing people stacking up on meat products because the store would not be stocking once they ran out. There is a Wal-Mart outside of the base, but the meat there is more expensive.

4. How will they keep the Canadians out?

Montana shares the second-longest U.S. border with Canada, after Alaska. The 545-mile stretch is now only manned by one person after the remaining people in Commissioner Kyle Hipsley’s Border Patrol team were furloughed. Similar situations exist all along the 5,525-mile border.

5.Iranian sanctions.

The Office of Foreign Assets Control has been depleted to the point that it is unable to continue enforcing the sanctions. “Note, our ability to do that, to enforce sanctions, to stop sanction evaders, is being hampered significantly by the shutdown,” the agency’s head told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee on Thursday.

6. Any events in national parks are off.

The Grindstone 100 race that was due to go through the southern Appalachian mountains in West Virginia has had to be called off in what would have been its sixth and biggest year. The race has never been run in less than 17 hours.

7. Free food.

Cafes and restaurants are offering federal workers free food. Many of the establishments are trying to get rid of leftover food and using up pre-ordered stock.

8. Some museums are actually benefiting.

Now that the Smithsonian is shut, federal workers with time on their hands have been visiting other Washington, D.C., institutions that normally don’t get so much traffic. The International Spy Museum has reported a 30 percent increase in visitors over the last week. The National Geographic Museum has experienced a spike, as have the Newseum, the National Building Museum and the Phillips Collection.

9. Cancer cure must wait.

The National Institutes of Health has had to turn away cancer patients who volunteer themselves for trials of experimental drugs after other treatments have failed. The Maryland-based institute turned away 200 people in a week.

10. T-shirt sales.

Satirical T-shirts making fun of the shutdown have been generating income for Raygun, a Des Moines, Iowa, T-shirt printer. Founder Mike Draper has sold a couple of hundred every day since the shutdown. Slogans include: “The shutdown 2013 – no productivity, no mercy” and “Furloughed, non-essential employee. Don’t ask me, it’s my day off.”

My guess is that most of you didn’t know that America operated cemeteries on foreign soil. And, let’s be honest, there’s a lot of whimsical and useful information in Christopher’s article. But coming here for whimsy is like going to a car wash for a bagel.

So let’s get to the important stuff. Kate Abbey-Lambertz reports that, as a woman who writes about women and government it was her obligation – nay, her patriotic duty – to try one of the free vibrators being given to government workers.

That ain’t no government cheese.

That’s a government cheesy grin.

This might be one of the only good things to come out of the ongoing government shutdown. Any furloughed employee looking to keep her hands busy can now get a little extra personal satisfaction while stuck at home: namely, in the form of a free, 5-inch pink vibrator.

Vibrators.com is giving away as many as 200 sex toys daily to government employees during the shutdown. The promotion, which began last Friday, started slow, with 400 vibrators given away over the course of the weekend. On Monday, Vibrators.com turned up the speed, filling out orders of their daily stock of 200 toys before noon.

Tom Nardone is the president of PriveCo, which runs Vibrators.com and several other websites that sell items the more-easily embarrassed might not buy in public, much less find with ease: ShopInPrivate.com, for example, sells everything from hair remover to pubic wigs (really). The vibrators they’re giving away, Nardone said, are the same ones they usually include as a free gift with orders on their various sites. That means they’ve been thoroughly tested in the lab of PriveCo’s Troy, Mich. warehouse … and they’re also user-approved.

“We’re real picky,” Nardone said. “There’s 20,000 vibrators on the market, and we choose the best, like, 350. That’s our brand position. When we went looking for a free vibe to give away we brought in a bunch of different vibrators and tested them all, and you can’t get too powerful for the wand, AA battery size, but this one is quite powerful and it’s quite quiet so we really like it. It’s a good vibrator. For free, it’s amazing.”

Nardone said they could continue offering the free vibrators to government employees even if the shutdown were to last through December.

“We buy them by the pallet,” he said. “I think right now we have 17,000 of them on hand. So I was like, maybe we should give a free vibrator to federal employees. … And someone else said, ‘that sounds like a good idea, they’ve got nothing to do.'”

The free offer doesn’t force people to verify that they’re furloughed government employees before ordering, though the site description attests “Karma will get” any non-gov employees who exploit the offer.

Nardone said that was in part because there was no way to do that without invading privacy, one of the biggest concerns for PriveCo (which doesn’t keep mailing lists and ships their items in discreet plain boxes). For a company that doesn’t market to past customers, Nardone said the promotion was a way to encourage some brand loyalty and show off the small company’s nicer side.

Originally, he said, they were brainstorming giveaways that would be funny at the expense of those causing the shutdown. The idea of free penis pumps for senators was tossed out, as was a half-off deal on enemas.

“We’re like no, that’s not what we do professionally. We’re not hateful people, we need to be helpful, like you tell your kids, ‘Is that hurtful or helpful?'” Nardone explained. “So we’re like, who’s really getting stiffed in this whole thing, you know. … The people who are really getting screwed out of the deal right now are the federal employees.”

Yes, you are well within your rights to make a Boehner joke here.

But, see? Nardone has the right attitude. The question everyone should ask before they do something stupid, like shut down the government, is “Who will benefit from my actions?”

If the answer is no one, and yourself doesn’t count, then don’t do it.

If you’re not sure what to do with a vibrator, my friend Marcie made a very helpful, yet discreet, commercial.

Who said the World News Center wasn’t informative?

Well, Gary & Sheila, I feel we’re on a first name basis now, I hope you smiled.

Anyway, since we got the ladies, and some guys, all hot and bothered, we may as well finish them off.

Rhea Litré “America’s Next Hot Bottom: Theme Song” Official music Video (NSFW) from Rhea Litré on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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This week has been the world’s largest celebration of stupidity that I can remember. Not just the politicians either. Although they certainly are due your consideration in this view. No, this week has seen people crawl out from whatever rock they’d been under and foist themselves upon reality with no regard for the consequences. It’s like some filter’s been turned off and people no longer feel the need to give a damn about anyone else. Before we get to today’s examples allow me to share a personal moment. I have a friend whose mother has terminal cancer. She asked for, and got, a wake held before she dies. This way we all got to hang out with her one last time, share some tears and some laughs. Mostly laughs. She even busted out the story about the time she caught me and her daughter playing doctor. We were in our 20’s then and are still good friends now. As we were laughing I heard a commotion. It seems her son, my buddy, was yelling at his cousin. He’s not really a yelling kind of guy so we all rushed into the living room to see what was up. What was up was his cousin was filling her purse with his mom’s bric-a-brac. Some of it worth good coin. Her excuse? “What are you yelling about, she’s going to kick anyway.”

There’s a lot of crap just like that going around.

The story of Robert Selle would seem to make my point.

If fences make good neighbors, then maybe this couple should consider building something akin to the Berlin Wall.

A Stuart couple complained to cops after seeing too much of their neighbor, 40-year-old Robert Selle, who allegedly stood naked in his yard while yelling at passing cars and throwing stuff around, reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

Selle reportedly hurled a leather coat, a mailbox, knife, gate and a neck of a guitar at the couple and deputies, who arrived latter, according to the report.

Cops then threw him into jail.

This kind of self absorbed behavior can cause harm as well as laughter. Philomena Maria Melton is walking, talking proof of that. Well, she is now that she’s awake.

Hey, mom, you snooze, you lose … possibly your child.

Philomena Maria Melton, a 23-year-old mom, was charged with child neglect and possession of synthetic marijuana after she allegedly smoked some fake weed and then fell asleep in her van at a Kangaroo Express, Ocala police report.

A concerned employee called cops after finding the snoozing mom, along with her almost two-year-old child, inside the van with the door open, according to the report.

It might be fake pot — but it’ll get you some real jail time.

Not all self absorbed people are a danger to humans. Some are a danger to animals as well. http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/strange/floriduh-blog/sfl-flduh-pantless-car-with-dog-dui-20131001,0,7905276.story illuminates this point better than I ever could.

Bottoms up or bottoms off?

Marion County deputies called to a report of a suspicious vehicle on Sunday found a 2009 Hyundai with all of its lights out parked halfway on a Dunnellon road and obstructing the flow of traffic, according to a Sheriff’s Office report.

A woman identified as Karen Worley Drake, 51, was lying in the front seat amid mounds of clothing and personal stuff. Her dog was in the passenger’s seat, deputies said.

It took “several minutes” of tapping on the car’s window before Drake finally opened the door – naked from the waist down with the car reeking of booze, the sheriff’s report said.

Drake allegedly told the deputy that she was living in her car because she had been “kicked out” of her home.

And she wasn’t wearing any panties because she, uh, had urinated on herself earlier. the report said.

After initially denying that she had anything to drink, Drake later admitted she had consumed two shots of “Fireball Whiskey,” deputies said.

In the back seat of the car deputies also reported finding an empty container of “boxed wine” with her reach.

At least now she’ll get three hots and a cot.

Of course, as you know, all stupid people think they’re smart. So they will try and outsmart that which they can not our run or just kill. Christina Marie Ferrara is a prime example of that.

It appears an accused hooker’s cat and mouse game with cop landed her a date with the judge.

An undercover Daytona Beach cop, who was working in an area known for street prostitution, called out to a woman, “Hey, babydoll, are you working?” according to police.

Once the woman, identified as Christina Marie Ferrara, 21, entered the unmarked police car, she immediately asked the ‘john’ if he was a cop. She then demanded he touch her breasts to prove that he was not a law-enforcement officer, according to the arrest report.

When the undercover officer told her that there were people nearby and was reluctant to touch her, Ferrara asked to exit the car, police reported.

Too late.

Since Ferrara allegedly asked the cop to touch her boobs on a public roadway in view of people, she committed another crime — offering or agreeing to a lewd or indecent act.

Oh, there is too much wrong there to discuss in one sitting. Let’s just move on.

What do you do when you’ve gone out of your way to anger a trucker? If you answered “show him my chaplain’s badge” you win.

I actually feel good about myself that that wasn’t my first answer.

Allow me to share the story of Almed Jurado.

Watch out! God’s Squad appears to be patrolling our highways.

A man was charged with impersonating a cop after police said he flashed a chaplain’s badge during a road rage incident last Saturday in Kissimmee.

In other news, there’s such a thing as a chaplain’s badge?

A semi-truck driver told deputies the driver of a gold Mercury, who was travel ling in front of him, slammed on his brakes. Then, at a nearby intersection, the trucker said the driver, identified as Almed Jurado, 32, got out of his car, yelled at him and approached him holding what looked like a police badge and said he was a cop, the report stated.

The trucker called 911.

Jurado denied flashing a badge, deputies said, but did show them a badge inscribed “Florida Ministry Association” he said he used for his work as a chaplain — but not as a chaplain for any law enforcement agency, according to the report.

Another question for you; say you’re serving community service in a public place.

Do you:
(a) Serve your sentence and work to have your record expunged
(b) pull out your penis and wave it at strangers

Heber Laguna Jr., a man clearly doomed by his name, chose (b).

If you’ve been ordered by the court to perform community service hours as part of your sentence or plea agreement, then take responsibility, show up and always be on your best behavior.

That means talking trash and exposing your junk are off-limits.

On Sept. 23rd, deputies got a report from an unidentified business that Heber Laguna Jr. had exposed himself and made sexual comments to several female employees, according to the Okeechobee County Sheriff’s Office.

Unfortunately for Laguna, the business that had reported his alleged lewd behavior was the company that he had been assigned to work in order to complete community service hours, the report stated.

Deputies found Laguna walking down the road from the business after he was told to leave, deputies said.

Laguna was charged with exposure of sexual organs.

And there you have it. Proof that society is circling the drain.

Have a nice day!

David Tennant – I Want To Do Bad Things With You from sarah schofield on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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