Search Results for: valentine

A buddy of mine went and got Cochlear implants. For the first time in his 42 years of life he can hear. He did this because, while he never considered deafness to be a handicap, his daughter is turning out to be a gifted singer. He did not want to go his whole life without hearing her perform if there was a way to avoid that. So, last weekend, while the rest of us were being useless lumps his daughter, who is wiser than her 9 years would belie, gave her father a private performance. Just the two of them. She did it so that he could cry if he wanted to. She didn’t want him to be embarrassed in public. I believe I mentioned how wise this child is. Anyway, she sang, he cried and they hugged. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one human being as happy as my friend. I bring this up just so you know that there is hope for the human race even though everyone else I’m going to write about today might make you think otherwise.

We recently wrote about the rich Floridian who married his girlfriend so he could legally have sex with his daughter. As it turns out his real progeny aren’t all that thrilled with this slime-ball and suing the bejeezus out of him and trying to get the adoption overturned.

The polo magnate who adopted his girlfriend in an alleged attempt to protect his fortune from a lawsuit must now battle with his teenaged children who want the adoption thrown out.

John Goodman adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in the fall, giving her a share of the more than $300 million trust he established for his two biological children — a move that critics said was a ploy to save millions for himself if he loses an upcoming wrongful death lawsuit stemming from a car accident that killed Scott Wilson in February 2010.

The guardian of Goodman’s children opened another legal front against the Polo Club Palm Beach founder by asking a judge to throw out the adoption of Heather Ann Hutchins, The Palm Beach Post reports.

The paperwork filed last week in Miami and Palm Beach County on behalf of guardian Jeffrey Goddess alleges that Goodman, 48, defrauded the court, surprised the teenagers’ mother and abused adoption rules by taking his main squeeze as his legal daughter, The Post says.

The attorney for Goddess claims that Goodman kept the Oct. adoption secret from his children’s guardian and his ex-wife until after Christmas. He also blames Goodman for not telling the judge overseeing the adoption proceedings that Wilson’s parents were suing him.

Goodman’s lawyer Dan Bachi had previously argued that adopting Hutchins was a way to ensure his children’s future and was completely unrelated to the upcoming showdown with the Wilson family, according to Fox News.

A judge in the wrongful death case previously ruled that the children’s trust couldn’t be touched if Goodman loses the suit. Now that Hutchins is legally his third daughter she’s entitled to a portion of that money — possibly worth $5 million per year. Because the trust was off-limits, its size was not known until Circuit Judge Glenn Kelley decided to reveal its worth this week, The Palm Beach Post said in a different report.

Goodman allegedly killed Wilson when he ran a red light and plowed his Bentley into the 23-year-old’s car, knocking it into a river and drowning the driver. The civil suit begins in March as does Goodman’s criminal trial on DUI manslaughter charges, TV station WPBF reports.

There’s a whole lot of wrong there. Big bags of it. Even more than the next story about the naked guy who tried to be a human Reese’s Pieces.

Sweet, sweet justice.

Police in Kentucky arrested a man last Thursday after they found him completely covered in chocolate and peanut butter lying down on a supermarket floor, The Smoking Gun reported.

According to a police report, 22-year-old Andrew Toothman smashed through the Food World IGA’s glass front door wearing only boots. He then emptied all of the market’s fire extinguishers and spelled out “Sorry” on the floor using NyQuil before heading to the confections.

“The subject had peanut butter and chocolate smeared all over his person,” the officer wrote. “[He] admitted to breaking into Food World IGA.”

CBS News quoted the officer as saying it was the “biggest mess I have seen.”

Toothman was booked into the Letcher County Jail on charges of indecent exposure, burglary, and criminal mischief. He was held on $25,000, though he is now released.

Because this is Kentucky you will note that not one person commented that his behavior was odd or that he might, just might, need to see a mental health professional. Nope, they just commented on the mess.

This being a far cry from what police in South Bend did when they arrested a guy for eating chicken and folding clothes.

When a South Bend, Ind. mother returned home Monday night with her son, she discovered Keith Davis, 46, had neatly folded her clothes, swept the floor and cooked dinner. The problem? Davis was a burglar.

“I seen my living room light on and the bedroom light on, so once we came up the stairs I figured my brother was home,” Ashley Murray told WNDU. “I turned the knob and it was locked, so I seen my screen open and I pushed my window open and it was some random guy in my kitchen.”

Murray told the station she walked away from the window with her son and called the police before yelling at Davis to leave her home.

“I’m like, ‘The police are on their way!’ And he told me, ‘The police already been here,’ closed my window, locked it back up and closed my door and sat in a chair in front of the window until the police came,” Murray said.

Murray told WNDU she noticed Davis had cooked some chicken and onions in a pan, folded her clothes and swept the floor. She told WSBT Davis even put a sheet and pillow on her couch.

“The police said it looked like he was a good chef. It looked like he had broth and everything in it,” she said.

Davis was arrested despite adamantly stating he was in his own home. He was charged with breaking and entering.

According to WNDU, the man told police he had woken up in the apartment, and a woman told him to get a set of keys from a closet. Murray said Davis had a set of her keys in his pocket when he was arrested and suspects Davis had been watching her and saw when she placed a set of keys in a storage unit for her brother to use when he arrived later that night from Indianapolis.

‘He really seemed to think this was his home’

When officers asked Davis where he lived he gave officers an address that didn’t exist. According to the affidavit, officers had a difficult time understanding his speech.

“Me and the police think he was on some type of drug. He really seemed to think this was his home,” Murray told WNDU.

Murray said her son later recognized Davis as a neighbor from across the complex. The son said he had seen Davis watching him and his friends when they played outside.

Davis didn’t steal anything beyond the food.

“He drunk up my orange juice, but it’s cool because he swept up my floor and folded my clothes,” Murray told WNDU.

Prosecutors requested a $5,000 bond because Murray was concerned Davis might return, but the judge lowered it to $1,000. The prosecutor is requesting Davis undergo a psychological evaluation.

Okay, this young lady needs to get her butt back to school and learn how to speak English. “Drunk up?” Seriously? You actually think that is a proper phrase?

Speaking of a proper phrase, a worker for the Oklahoma Insurance Department used one that could cost someone a job.

A state worker is facing disciplinary action after sending an official email to hundreds of people Thursday that contained an off-color term for breasts, the Oklahoma Insurance Department said.
The email was sent as the agency searched for people to honor at a tornado preparedness meeting.

The email with “offensive and unacceptable language” was traced to a staff member who was deeply apologetic, department spokesman Glenn Craven said. The agency did not identify the staffer.
“This email was not vetted through the normal process and neither the Insurance Commissioner nor any supervisory staff was aware of the distribution,” Craven said in a statement. “This email was traced to a staff member who has accepted full responsibility and is deeply apologetic.”

The email stated the Insurance Commissioner’s Award would go to “the girl with the biggest” breasts, using a slang term. The agency sent a second “corrected and authorized” email about 20 minutes later saying the award would be given next month to someone who made outstanding contributions to the insurance industry in tornado preparedness.

Gosh, I wonder what the “slang term” possibly could have been? Here’s one thing I don’t have to wonder about. I guarantee you that the person who sent the email is a woman. Had a guy said that “slang term” he’d be on the street so fast he’d get burn marks from the landing.

Of course the Internet is abuzz – I love when people say that, as though the Internet was a single organism or something – with the video of the dad who shot his daughter’s computer to end her obsession with Facebook. Since I think the whole thing is a set-up and not a real dad, I’ll say no more about it. But I know you don’t want to be the only kid on your block who hasn’t seen it, so I’ve posted the link.

Go. Have fun. I’ll wait.

tap tap tap

Welcome back.

Not all of the things on this planet involve stupid people. Most do, but not all. A family in Pennsylvania has been getting a lot of attention for harboring a rouge, purple, squirrel.

We may never know what made the purple squirrel of Jersey Shore purple, but experts don’t doubt that it really was a squirrel of a different color.

“It’s not typical, but it’s not impossible,” said Harold Cole, a warden with the Pennsylvania Game Commission who investigated the case.

Percy Emert, a resident of the town in central Pennsylvania, said he and his wife caught the squirrel on Sunday in a trap, using peanuts as bait.

“At first I thought somebody around here was playing tricks,” he said. The family took pictures of the animal in its cage and posted them on Facebook. Then, on Tuesday, they set the squirrel free.

Lovely. Alien rodents. Just what we need.

okay, I know, tomorrow’s Lupercalia or, for you terminally un-hip folks, Valentine’s day. So what are you and a loved one to do? Since I’m pretty sure you haven’t actually done anything or bought that gift yet, I’m here to save your sorry derriere.

Share the sweet smells of sewage with that special someone.

If you really want to show that special someone how much your care about her this Valentine’s Day, take her to see some sewage.

On this Valentine’s Day, one of the more unorthodox activities available to lovebirds is the ability to take that special someone for a tour of the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in the Greenpoint section of Brooklyn. New York City’s Department of Environmental Protection is offering a tour of the sewage treatment facility that lasts just under two hours and culminates in an expansive view of the Manhattan skyline and the 53-acre Newtown plant from 130 feet up.

The weekly tours, which began nine months ago, are usually conducted on the second Tuesday of every month, which happens to be Valentine’s Day this month. To celebrate the occasion, guests will each be given a Hershey kiss candy while they tour a plant that is responsible for breaking down toxic waste into harmless sludge. They also get a Valentine’s Day story that will almost certainly be unique among their friends.

“People in general say, regardless of any other holiday time, that it’s strange to go see a wastewater plant,’’ plant superintendent and tour director Jim Pynn told TODAY.com. “But by the end, every person leaves with an appreciation and an understanding of the facility. It seems strange to depart from the hearts, flowers and romantic candlelight on Valentine’s Day, but I think New Yorkers are always venturing out to do new things. It makes a good story.’’

Since the existence of the tour was made public by a report by The New York Daily News, Pynn said the response has been so high that they added a second tour. Those interested are asked to register on the DEP’s website, and the volume of responses precipitated the addition of a 1 p.m. tour after the 10 a.m. tour concludes.

Pynn, who has been the plant’s superintendent for 19 years and a DEP employee for 39 years, gives an oral history of the facility while showing visitors the infrastructure. A particular highlight is the “digester eggs,’’ gigantic structures that mimic human stomachs and break down toxic substances into treatable sludge and gas.

Guys don’t have to worry about wearing their Sex Panther cologne to drown out the smell of sewage on the tour, as Pynn said that making sure no one is holding his or her nose has been a priority of improvements.

“It’s a sewer plant that has been under construction for 15 years, and odor control is important,’’ Pynn said. “We’re surrounded by industrial and residential properties, so we don’t want to be a bad neighbor. Most people don’t smell the place, which has been a testament by our actual visitors and shows how we have been containing odors.’’

If spending the day around sewage isn’t an enticing prospect, there is always a candlelit dinner and fine dining at White Castle. The fast-food chain is offering bookings for candlelit booths and selling pink blankets to make it extra special for your date.

Maybe pizza is more your thing rather than a case of sliders. Pizza Hut has you covered, especially if you plan on making a marriage proposal to your date and want to do it over a medium one-topping pizza with some breadsticks and cinnamon sticks. The pizza chain has 10 packages available to “tie the knot” in which it offers a $10 dinner box, a red ruby and diamond engagement ring, limo service, flowers, a fireworks show, a videographer and a photographer for a mere $10,010 plus tax.

If you’re on a tight budget and don’t plan on getting married any time soon, you can head to Qdoba Mexican Grill. On Valentine’s Day, the purchase of an entrée and a simple kiss with “a significant other, family member, friend or understanding stranger’’ will garner you a second entrée for free.

For those who just want to go right to dessert, Cupcakes Gourmet in Philadelphia has a $55,000 cupcake featuring an eight-carat diamond ring perched on top of the frosting.

Nothing says love better than a day of sewage and sliders.

And you thought I wasn’t romantic.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvHKjDKY_O8&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

Originally published on February 14, 2011.

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Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day steeped in history and tradition. A day festooned with jewelry, chocolates and flowers. And don’t forget the mushy cards. A day when perfectly sane women will gush and swoon over a stuffed animal. A day forever associated with the disease of love. A day where men the world over, except in Japan – which I’ll get to in a bit, need heart medication and bourbon to squelch the feeling of doom that they’ve, somehow, screwed the pooch.

Again.

Yes, this is a glorious day in which we celebrate the Lupercalia. What? You have no clue what a Lupercalia is? Well, if you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day, then you’re celebrating the ancient Roman feast in honor of a heathen god. Well, “heathen” might be a bit harsh, let’s go with “nontraditional.” On these occasions, amidst a variety of ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by men as chance directed. Truly a lottery worth winning. Buy a ticket, win a virgin!

Nevertheless, the pastors of the early Christian Church endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. Since the Lupercalia began near the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine’s Day for the celebration of this new feast. Because nothing says “LOVE” like a dead, defiant, monk. Anyway, the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines arose in this way.

Now you know.

Even though it’s been proven that, with the right life partner, it really doesn’t matter what you give, this is a holiday of ramped up expectations.

A day that was set aside to celebrate love and fertility has somehow become an excuse to shell out $36,000 on a Fendi 24-Carat Gold Python Bag. And you can’t forget the $60,000 Vacheron Constantin Quai de L’Ile watch that goes so nicely with it.

Personally, I think that love and fertility can be celebrated with a bottle of Ripple and a box of Trojans. But I have been accused, wrongfully I believe, of being unromantic.

We all know about the Western traditions for Valentine’s Day. At least the basics. Show up clean, bring something nice, pay for an expensive dinner, shut up and pretend you enjoy the chick flick. Get it right and get a prize. Get it wrong and it’s monkey spanking time.

Nuff said.

So let’s take a gander at the Eastern variant. T. Ramune, an American woman who worked in Japan, wrote a wonderfully succinct blog about it all, so I’ll share that with the class.

Valentine, Valentine, Valentine’s Day in Japan!! Did you already prepare for your special loved one on Valentine’s? Valentine’s in Japan is a little bit different than in the US. It is mega marketing in Japan. On Feb 14, consumers purchase 25% of the total annual chocolate sales in Japan.

As a young lady, I used to work for a Japanese company in Tokyo and on February 14 I would carry tons of chocolate to the office, running to each floor and giving chocolate to my boss and my male co-workers. Yes, this is the day for men in Japan, not for us women. This is called “Giri Chocolate”. The word Giri means obligation in Japanese and we jokingly use this term to indicate that giving the chocolate is something that is expected.

We of course buy chocolate for our special loved one too. This will be more expensive and very special chocolate. Japanese department stores prepare two kinds of chocolate gifts; one for Giri-chocolate and another for Honmei-Chocolate (only for a serious love). Obviously, Japanese women spend more money for Honmei-chocolate. Limited chocolate from Europe by air can cost about $200 US.

Men, if you receive chocolate from Japanese woman which cost less than $3.00, I’m sorry, that is likely Giri-chocolate and she is not so serious about you, but she meant to say thank you. (However, my husband loves this chocolate, he claims Japanese chocolate is not so sweet and has a real cocoa taste.)

For school girls, this is a more serious tradition. This is the day to tell their Honmei-person (person they have a crush on) that they like them, to confess her feelings to him with Honmei-chocolate. On Feb 14, a school boy will know how popular he is in school. Some boys carry bags of chocolate back home while unfortunate school boys go home with none. This is heaven and hell for all school boys in Japan.

To balance the gift giving, another holiday called White Day is celebrated on March, 14th. On White Day, men return the favor to women who purchased chocolate on Valentine’s Day for them. Gifts from the men can be chocolate too, but sometimes lingerie may be given. In Japan, a man may even give lingerie to a female co-worker on this day. This is not really a serious invitation, it’s just for fun. On one White Day I received two gifts of lingerie from bosses of mine. The new Christian Dior slip and panties were most appreciated. I was happy to receive them but it wasn’t personal as most women in the department received similar gifts.

In Japanese culture this exchange of gifts on Valentine’s Day and White Day smoothes relationships between coworkers and friends, giving us an entertaining break from our busy and stressful jobs.

Wanna be my Honmei Homie?

I do, however, wonder if we could spruce up company morale by handing out lingerie to the female staff members here at Nude Hippo. I know it would do wonders for the men in the office.

But that does bring us, albeit clumsily, to March 14th. Not to be outdone by the Japanese White Day, which actually does sound like fun, a God fearing, red blooded, American male came up with the perfect counterpoint to Valentine’s Day. And, like its Japanese equivalent, it’s celebrated on March 14th.

Naturally, I’m talking about (name altered to be more family friendly) farm fresh meat and fellatio day. This is a much less stressful holiday for women. All they have to do is show up naked and bring beer. I’ll cook the steak.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4r41vPTF8k]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

Sometimes at the World News Center we are tasked with impossible assignments. Like the time we tried to get Ashley Lobo to go undercover in an illegal “all nude” mud wrestling ring. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed, the story was quietly shelved and numerous lawsuits were averted. Other items, like the time we tried to get Nick Rosario to recreate Evel Knieval’s legendary bus jump, were immediately killed by those stick in the muds at our insurance company. But sometimes an idea, although wildly irresponsible and dangerous, gets greenlighted and foisted you on, gentle reader. Today is one such day. Despite the fact that I am twice divorced and once had sex on top of a police car on a first date, I have been asked to write a column about love and relationships. As the very funny lady, who shared breakfast with me today, noted, “Next week they’ll get Svengoolie to talk about subtlety in humor.”

Ha freaking ha.

Of course she gets to trot off to her day gig while I’m stuck trying to make this into something useful for you. So, since I cannot serve as a shining example, allow me to serve as a warning sign.

If you decide to make a public display of your wedding proposal make sure the woman is going to say yes. Since her saying no on a Jumbotron is freaking humiliating. I’ve always wondered about the pinheads who did stuff like this. Unless they have made prior arrangements they are, when you think about it, trying to humiliate the girl into saying yes.

“You can’t say no, people are watching!!!!”

Even if you get shot down in a church the basic idea is the same. You’re an inconsiderate tool who’s trying to force his will on others.

Here’s a handy tip guys, make sure you have had at least one conversation with your intended about your intentions before you do what you’re intending. I can promise you that she will not think less of you for not making her look like a callous, vicious, slut in public. In fact, that little extra care and concern will go a long way to making her love you all the more.

And when you do get married, here’s another piece of advice, try not to end up in jail for beating on her. Not only does that make you a grade “A” jerk, it will also cause a judge to sentence you to a night at Red Lobster.

A Broward County judge has ordered a husband to take his wife out on a date and buy her flowers — a strangely gentle ruling for a domestic abuse charge.

According to an arrest affidavit cited by NBC Miami, Joseph Bray, 47, and his wife Sonja got into a fight after Bray neglected to wish her a happy birthday. Sonja told police he shoved her and grabbed her neck at their Plantation residence.

At the Tuesday hearing, Judge John Hurley asked the wife about her preferences for a night out on the town and sentenced the husband accordingly.

According to the Sun Sentinel, he ordered Bray to “flowers, birthday card, Red Lobster, bowling.”

He also requested that the Brays start seeing a marriage counselor. Read the Sun Sentinel for the judge’s comments on the light sentencing.

On the other end of the romance spectrum, last year a New York judge ordered a husband and wife to build a literal “divorce wall” in their house to stop the couple’s constant feuding.

According to NBC (Chicago), Google user Georgia Valente wrote that “of all the Red Lobsters in South Florida, the couple’s dinner destination is “quite possibly the best.”

So that’s a plus. As to the rest, you knew without even thinking that this happened in Florida.

Now, why Georgia Valente has been to every Red Lobster in South Florida is a question I never want answered.

All this being said, while the nice people at TRU TV may rail against the many Valentine’s Day traditions, such as champagne and chocolate, you and I both know that if they don’t pony up their next date will be a hand full of lube and a copy of Penthouse.

So don’t be a tool, communicate with your beloved, don’t beat on your beloved and try not to go cheap on the 14th unless it’s a mutually planned thing like grabbing a bucket of chicken and having sex all night.

You might even get by without the chicken.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soDZBW-1P04&w=420&h=315]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!

I received a lovely email yesterday from a regular reader. She said some very nice things about me and life in general and then got to the point. The point was that, as informative as this week’s articles have been about the holidays, I was “depressing the (expletive deleted) out of (her).” I guess I can see that. The history of Christmas is one of political compromise, violence and drunken debauchery. Not exactly the first thoughts that spring to mind when you think about ways to celebrate the birth of the Son of God. More likely a way to celebrate a frat party in honor of Biff’s trust fund. But it is what it is. Denying history doesn’t make it suddenly disappear, despite what you may hear from some recent political pundits. Nevertheless, she’s right. There are many aspects of the holiday that are cause for smiles. Honest ones too, not just the rueful ones I usually inspire.

We’ll start with some useless trivia.

Where did the Candy Cane come from? In a small Indiana town, there was a candymaker who wanted to spread the name of Jesus around the world. He invented the Christmas Candy Cane, incorporating symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy to symbolize the Virgin Birth. The candymaker formed the stick into a “J” to represent the name of Jesus. It can also represent the staff of the “Good Shepherd.” He thought the candy was too plain so he stained it with a red stripe to symbolize the blood shed by Christ on the cross.

Christmas Games – Weird Ones
Shoe the Wild Mare
Shoeing the Wild Mare is a traditional Christmas game that goes back to at least the early 17th century.

Get a narrow(a few inches wide), strong wooden beam and suspend it from the roof with two even length ropes. The beam is the ‘mare’ of the title and should be level yet high enough above the floor so that a player’s feet are off-ground. A player ‘the farrier’ then sits on the ‘mare’ in the centre, a leg either side. This player has a hammer and has to give the underside of the beam “four time eight blows” at a designated spot. If he falls off, it is someone else’s turn.

Much hilarity, and the odd broken shoulder ensues. (Odd broken shoulders????)

Snapdragons
Apparently this is the best game ever to play on Christmas Eve. Make sure you have the fire department on speed dial though.

Very popular from the 16th to the 19th centuries, Snapdragons (or Flapdragons) has explicably declined in popularity.

Gather everyone around the dining room table, place a large flat dish in the centre. In the dish scatter a good handful of raisins then pour on top a layer of brandy or cognac. Set fire to the brandy and dim the lights. Players take it in turns to pluck a raisin out of the burning liquid and eat it quickly down. For a more competitive edge to the game use larger dried fruit such as apricots, one of which has a lucky sixpence stuffed inside.

Equipment needed: plate, matches, raisins, brandy, address of nearest accident and emergency department

I have actually played Snapdragons. It was how I learned to use saliva to quickly douse my tongue. Oddly enough, and this will be a blog for another day, that knowledge has proved useful.

Here’s some other useless trivia for you. In case Christmas isn’t violent enough for you there’s another game, called “Hot Cockles” which can make your week. One person gets blindfolded and then players give a blow to the blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person who gave the blow.

Whee!

Okay, let’s move on to some fun facts about Christmas trees.

Which actually had nothing to do with Christmas for centuries.

• The use of evergreen trees to celebrate the winter season occurred before the birth of Christ.
• The first decorated Christmas was in Riga, Latvia in 1510.
• The first printed reference to Christmas trees appeared in Germany in 1531.
• Nineteenth century Americans cut their trees in nearby forests.
• Christmas trees have been sold commercially in the United states since about 1850. Until fairly recently, all Christmas trees came from the forest. (ED: Not from a parking lot?)
• The first Christmas tree retail lot in the United States was started in 1851 in New York by Mark Carr.
• In 1900, large stores started to erect big illuminated Christmas trees.
• In 1856 Franklin Pierce, the 14th President of the United States, was the first President to place a Christmas tree in the White House.
• President Coolidge started the National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony on the White House lawn in 1923.
• Teddy Roosevelt banned the Christmas tree from the White House for environmental reasons.
• In 1984, the National Christmas was lit on December 13th with temperatures in the 70’s, making it one of the warmest tree lightings in history.
• Between 1887-1933 a fishing schooner called the “Christmas Ship” would tie up at the Clark Street bridge and sell spruce trees from Michigan to Chicagoans.

My grandmother used to talk about that ship. She said it was so laden with pine trees that you could smell it from blocks away.

Also, just so you know, all of Santa’s reindeer are chicks.

Anyway, here are ten meaningless facts that you’ll use to impress your friends at holiday parties.

ONE
What percentage of mall Santa applicants were discovered to have criminal backgrounds by Pre-employ.com?
7%

Approximate amount generated by photographs with Santa in shopping malls in the USA in dollars:
$2,255,750,000

TWO
How many houses must Santa visit on Christmas?
842,000,000

How fast must he travel to visit all those homes?
4,796,250 Mph

THREE
Percentage of Americans who believe Santa in the off-season drives a sports car:
4%

drives an SUV:
25%

FOUR
How many presents would you receive if you were to get every present in “The 12 Days of Christmas”?
364

How much would all those gifts cost? (according to PNC Financial Services)
$18348.87

FIVE
Percentage of Americans who finish off their Christmas Shopping on Christmas Eve:
20

SIX
Percentage of pet owners who have their dog or cat pose and photographed with Santa Claus:
27

SEVEN
Percentage of Americans who re-gift:
28

EIGHT
Which type of Christmas tree is displayed more during the holiday season, artificial or real?
Artificial trees are the most popular with 40,694,463 on display in comparison to real trees at 34,335,809

NINE
How many Barbie dolls are sold every minute around the world?
180

TEN
How much trash is generated annually from the gift wrap and shopping bags:
4,000,000 Tons

So, burning question of the day, why does Santa wear red? Well, it’s a Catholic thing. You see, Santa is based, in part, on the life of St. Nicholas and he was the bishop of Smyrna, a spot in modern day Turkey. Bishops wore, and still wear, red capes. Then red was the way Norman Rockwell saw it, and red was the color Coca-Cola wanted when it pretty much created the modern image of Santa in 1931. So, Santa wears red.

Got it?

Cool.

Also, he is, depending on where you’re at at the moment, the patron saint of banking, pawnbroking, pirating, butchery, sailing, thievery, orphans, royalty, and New York City, thus making him the most popular, non-biblical, saint in history. Saint Valentine is a distant second.

Some other stuff that will make our reader feel a little better about the holiday. Contrary to popular belief, suicide rates during the Christmas holiday are low. The highest rates are during the spring.

One reason may be that Christmas has better music. It is estimated that the single “White Christmas” by Irving Berlin is the best selling single of all time, with over 100 million sales worldwide and that 50 million of those sales were of the Bing Crosby version.

Bing’s daughter starred in Star Trek and had sex with an android in one episode.

That has nothing to do with the topic at hand, I just thought I’d share.

I will end this blog with a dinner prayer by cartoonist Berke Breathed.

“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank thee for the Christmas turkey before us — a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird — a social being capable of actual affection, nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmxGMuqAV8k&w=500&h=319]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, this Friday morning around 9:10 for his version of a holiday special!