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While the lowest of the plebeian proletariat sits in its dank environs typing its fingers into nubs, the exalted ruling class sits in the lap of luxury on a beach in Florida tormented by the ceaseless wondering of why the hired help is being so slow to refill their Mai Tais. While we are forced to wear socks under our mittens as we chip ice off of our desks, because heat is too expensive in winter, our prestigious principals, those lofty lions of media, are forced to suffer through the heinous act of adjusting their own chaise lounges.

Yes, I need a satire font.

Nevertheless, things are what they are.

And, like all children left unattended, my first thought was to throw an office kegger and invite over some of those nice ladies with low morals. But that thought was quickly dismissed when it became apparent that said kegger would be an ice sculpture within an hour.

Add in the fact that “frost bite” and “funzies” should never be used in the same sentence, and you have a recipe for disaster.

My friend and former Playboy model, Debra Jo Fondren, thought it would a great day to write about kitties. More specifically, the Sunda Clouded Leopards which were recently discovered in China. Sure it might be fun to write about a new species of cat, but what do I say after “Hey look! It’s a new species of cat!”?

Yeah, that about covers it.

Then I thought I’d bookend my masterpiece about penis festivals around the world with its female equivalent. After all, fair is fair. But as it turns out, the only real excitement out there, after Amanda Palmer’s stunning look at her – ahem – map of Tasmania, is a rising cult of women who steam clean their vaginæ.

Not even I want to go down that particular road. Even so, I still feel a strong desire to party with Monica Garske.

Of course, as long as I’m writing about nothing, I guess we could take a minute to talk about a former television show about nothing. However, since said show featured a cast of characters whom I wanted to beat to death with a hammer – both individually and collectively, there’s not much there for me to write about.

On the other hand, I guess I could lead us all in a rousing chorus of If I Had a Hammer. But given the fact that we are a shocked nation looking for avenues of peaceful discourse, that seems a tad inappropriate.

Were I a smaller man, I could gloat over the fact that our leonine leaders will be forced to deal with thunder storms, rain and high waves today. In fact the weather will be so bad they’ll have to suffer through the indignity of drinking Mai Tais indoors.

But, like Whitman said, “I am large, I contain multitudes.” So I won’t do that.

I guess I could write about the baby Godzilla found in Riverside California. But “the cops found a lizard and the lizard was nice” is a pretty boring story.

Even by Californian standards.

In other words, there’s nothing for me to write about today. So I’ll just let you get back to whatever it is you’re doing and hope for better news tomorrow.

Back in 2007, NUDE HIPPO: YOUR CHICAGO SHOW was winding down an amazing run on cable after a decade.  So when asked what were they going to do now, the response was simple; “We’re going to Disney World!”

Tony Lossano, Amy Zanglin & Damaris Woodbury packed their bags and met up with the Florida NUDE HIPPO production team to tape three weeks worth of episodes at the four main parks at Walt Disney World, while staying and showcasing three of the Disney Resorts.  The team did reports from Epcot, Animal Kingdom, Disney’s Hollywood Studios and the Magic Kingdom.  On camera, they rode on Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, Tower of Terror & a half dozen other rides.  They saw shows, spoke with the cast of Cirque du Soleil La Nouba and even got to hang out with Mickey Mouse himself!

It took a lot of time and work to coordinate such an adventure.  A story was told on how this almost didn’t happened when an executive in the Walt Disney Company liked the show but had concerns about the name “NUDE HIPPO” – at which point it was brought up that Disney had a duck running around who didn’t ever wear any pants.  The executive agreed and gave his approval for the production.  Thank you Donald!

While taping at Disney, everything was carefully handled, ensuring that the NUDE HIPPO team was able to do their style of coverage without jeopardizing the standards of Disney.  Everything went without an incident.

Even the big scheduled taping with Mickey went well.  To work with THE Mouse, bits we’re approved ahead of time.  Before Mickey came out, it was explained that he has a very tight schedule and he had to be done at a certain time.  It didn’t matter if we we’re in the middle of anything, he would have to leave.  That was clear, since he couldn’t be late for his next gig.  (Plus Mickey can only appear at one location at a time.)  NUDE HIPPO had a half-hour with Mickey.  They did bits, which included a workout out in the park with the mouse, a game of paddy-cake, picture taking (Mickey snapped photos of Tony, Amy & Damaris in front of the castle) and a promo telling the HIPPO viewers how they could win a trip to Disney, just by watching the three episodes.

When all was said an done, the producer thanked and told the Mickey’s rep that they were done with Mickey.   The rep responded by saying that most production crews do not finish in time and hardly ever before they had to be…and that he never laughed so hard during a shoot like this.  They were very pleased with NUDE HIPPO and the show got very good material as well.

You can still see more from these three shows on Disney’s official event website.  NUDE HIPPO also created a page on Facebook with videos and photos.  This page is still occasionally updated with more material.

Who knows, maybe NUDE HIPPO will go back one day and bring more of the magic back to Chicago.   Until then, keep dreaming…you may get what you wish for!

I have, in my life, bought the following items at a drive thru: fast food, booze, books, music, a Frisbee and a T-shirt. Somehow I have missed the Drive Thru Strip Club, the Drive Thru Wedding Chapel (boy, it sure would be fun to get those two confused) and several other drive thru businesses that confuse the heck out of me.

Seriously? A drive thru emergency room?

“Hey doc, can you yank this here bullet outta me? I gotta get to the bar.”

But Alabama now boasts a drive thru, directly across from a McDonald’s, that is either the greatest idea in the history of man or completely screwed up.

Yep, you guessed it, a drive thru sex toy shop.

Jay Reeves of MSNBC (and no relation to Steve as far as I know) reports that you can now fill your tummy, and every orifice, without ever leaving your car.

Gabrielle Silva takes down a customer’s order from the drive-thru window, stuffs a bag full of products and passes it outside to the couple waiting in a car.

“Thanks, and I put some free condoms in there, too!” Silva chirps.

In this technology-savvy north Alabama city, visitors won’t just find burgers and prescriptions at the drive-thru window.

A “romance” store called Pleasures offers a rare convenience not only for these parts but nationally: a drive-through with adult novelties for sale. Business is brisk so far, with cars sometimes lining up three deep for vibrators, lubricants, lingerie and other risque items.

“It’s been doing well, and really well on nights when it’s cold or rainy,” said employee Toni Kennedy. “Discretion and the ease of it are big, and convenience. We’re Americans. We like everything convenient.”

Even sex toys, as much as elected officials in Alabama have tried to prevent them from being sold in the conservative, Bible Belt state.

Pleasures is owned by Florida businesswoman Sherri Williams, who fought the state for almost a decade over what’s considered by free-speech advocates to be one of the country’s toughest anti-obscenity laws. Among other things, the 1998 law banned the sale of products intended for sexual stimulation.

With two sex-toy stores in Alabama’s Tennessee Valley, Williams sued to overturn the law with the help of the American Civil Liberties Union. She won initially when a federal judge ruled in 1999 there was no rational basis for the law. But the state appealed and Williams lost, allowing the law to remain on the books even though it wasn’t enforced during the litigation.

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear the case in 2007, ending Williams’ challenge. Distribution of sex toys is a misdemeanor on the first offense with a maximum penalty of a $10,000 fine and one year in jail, although the law doesn’t ban possession.

But the law has a loophole that allows for the sale of sex toys that are needed for unspecified “medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial, or law enforcement” purposes, and Williams jumped through it. Customers buying toys — items that can be used for sexual stimulation — fill out an anonymous form with 10 questions including whether they or a partner have difficulty with sexual fulfillment.

In November, she held the grand opening for an expanded Pleasures store in an old bank building at a busy intersection. Williams first opened in the Tennessee Valley in 1993; this is her second expansion, and she has a smaller store in nearby Decatur.

It seemed like a waste not to use the old drive-thru window once run by bank tellers, so Silva and her co-workers now sell all sorts of adult products from the side of the building. Just like at a fast-food restaurant, there’s a brightly lit sign outside with products and prices — herbal “enhancement pills” are $8 per dose. Williams believes her drive-thru is the first in the country to offer adult novelties for sale.

The woman in one car wanted a rubber toy that spins and pulses. A couple in another vehicle stopped by for free condoms, which are advertised on a sign visible from University Drive, a main drag through town.

A few yards away from Pleasures, on the other side of a curb, workers at a neighboring McDonald’s restaurant dish out fries and burgers.

Williams runs what she calls an “upscale” adult store, and using an old bank building with a brick exterior and manicured shrubs outside doesn’t hurt the image.

“It actually has two vaults,” Williams said. “It has a full-blown vault upstairs, and the basement is poured concrete with a vault door. This was a 7,200-square-foot bank.”

Huntsville is a high-tech government and military town, and Pleasures workers say their customers include soldiers and couples based at the Army’s Redstone Arsenal and workers from NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center.

On a busy Thursday night, the clientele looks like the crowd at the mall down the street — young and old, singles and couples.

Inside, the shop has bright lights and royal-purple walls. The mood is mostly light, with friends giggling as they browse shelves full of rubber and plastic playthings.

But there’s a more serious side to the business, too.

“People come in and say, ‘I need something to save my marriage.’ I’ve had that a million times,” said Samantha Todd, who has worked at Pleasure for 2 1/2 years. “I’ve had people come in and cry. It can be very serious.”

The store includes an “intimacy clinic” that opens next month and will offer sexual counseling to couples and groups, but there are no how-to classes; all the assistance is verbal. It also sells instructional videos, books and a few magazines.

Employees check the ID of everyone who enters the store — customers must be at least 18.

Police say they’ve had no complaints over Pleasures and don’t pay it more attention than other stores.

“Right now there’s not really anything for us to do with it,” said Mark Roberts, a spokesman with the Huntsville Police Department.

The head of a New York-based nonprofit group that campaigns for tougher anti-obscenity statutes wishes government officials would work harder to stamp out businesses like Pleasures, and sex toys.

“I liken it to a cancer, a slow-moving cancer … and law enforcement is ignoring it,” said Robert W. Peters Jr., president of Morality in Media Inc. “It’s been a battle going back to the 1960s.”

Williams said her store and drive-thru serve a need for couples and individuals who need a little extra spice or excitement in their sex lives.

“Also,” she said, “the police have already said they have a million other things to do.”

First off, Mr. Peters needs to loosen up. It’s people like him who take all the fun out of fundamentalism.

Now, let’s take a look again at the legal loophole that allows this store to operate; ‘sex toys that are needed for unspecified “medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial, or law enforcement” purposes.’

Can you imagine a cop show set in Alabama?

“This is Car 54. We’re in hot pursuit of the suspect going down Route 69.”

“Roger that Car 54. Do you have your vibrator handy?”

“That’s a big 10-4 and Elmer’s got a full 12 ounces of love lotion.”

I don’t even want to think about the judicial uses. After all, they do wear those robes kind of loose.

On the other hand, the educational uses seem kind of obvious. Certainly I’ve learned a thing or two from women who did their shopping before their homework.

So, here’s hoping you had a Happy New Year with a Happy Ending.

From all of us here in the World News Center, it’s good to be back.

Ever since discovering that Idiocracy was actually a documentary, not much has surprised me. Even our very own little ray of sunshine, Corie Scarpaci, has been forced to admit that people with low IQs and even lower standards of personal hygiene have been coming to the fore. Once relegated to the fringes of society and made the butt of jokes designed to teach regular people how not to behave, these creeping examples of reverse Darwinism now want to run the country and make life altering decisions for you.

Gosh, what could possibly go wrong?

But, today, I don’t want to write about the obvious examples of moronity run amok. No, instead, I think we should take a glance at the beings who walk among us and pretend to be normal. Not that they do it well, mind you, but they do try nevertheless. Brendan Farrington from Associated Press has a wonderful year in review look at the state of Florida.

This year, Floridians learned that burials at sea don’t work if the body doesn’t sink, giant snail mucus can make you sick and that an underwire bra can stop a lawyer from visiting her client in prison.

Florida lived up to its reputation for being an odd state in 2010, with residents committing stupid crimes, making poor decisions and exhibiting general weirdness.

There was the man pulled over in Manatee County who claimed the crack in his crack wasn’t his. Officers found bags of marijuana and crack cocaine stuffed between the man’s butt cheeks. He said the pot was his but “the white stuff is not mine.”

[ED. NOTE – In Florida the “My BFF must have put it there when I wasn’t looking” precept is a legitimate defense.]

That was far from the only weird case handled by police. A 32-year-old Pasco County man called 911 to complain his mother took his beer, while police in Deland said a man walked out of a bar and head-butted a street preacher who called him a sinner. A Pasco County man was charged with slashing his father with a knife during an argument over who would walk the dog.

[ED. NOTE – Anger Management is more than just a bad movie, it’s a good idea.]

There were other strange dog stories. A man was walking his Jack Russell terrier in Tampa when an alligator snatched it. He pulled out his handgun and started shooting at the gator. It let go of the dog, but the pet wasn’t breathing until the man performed CPR and revived it.

[ED. NOTE – I once spent several hours reviving a goldfish to prevent a flood of tears. Said fish went on to live a long life before going to that big bowl in the sky. So I can’t really say anything about this guy.]

Dogs weren’t always the victim. A Hernando County man was run over by his own pickup truck after his dog jumped into the running vehicle and put it in gear.

[ED. NOTE – Teaching your pets basic driving safety rules is always a good idea.]

Threatening items that bomb squads had to handle this year included a box with two kittens in Cocoa and a stuffed pony in Orange County. Authorities blew up the stuffed pony, but spared the kittens. A Melbourne street was shut down for three hours, the time it took the bomb squad to figure out the flashing object in the middle of the street was a restaurant pager.

[ED. NOTE – And people are whining about minimum education requirements for peace officers in Chicago. Not any more!]

If that didn’t make you lose your appetite, this might: Several people in Miami complained got sick after consuming mucus from a giant snail in a religious ceremony.

[ED. NOTE – “Hey, Ma, lookee here. I got me one of them there dell a ka sees. Go head and give it a try!]

[ED. NOTE – Memo to self, do not join that religion.]

2010 wasn’t the year to mess with the elderly. An 84-year-old man was arrested in Bay County for allegedly hitting a deputy with his cane. Would-be robbers knocked an 83-year-old man to the ground in Clearwater only to turn and run when the victim pulled a gun on them. A 69-year-old woman turned back a robber after picking up the gun he dropped in her car while smashing the windshield with it. He also dropped his cell phone and was caught.

[ED. NOTE – Used to be we just stuck old folks in a home somewhere and fed them pablum. Now they’ve got Granny Strip-O-Grams. Gives me hope for my Golden Years.]

Weirdness didn’t just involve senior citizens: A Clay County woman was arrested after posting a photo of her baby with a bong on Facebook.

[ED. NOTE – DUH!]

Nor was odd news limited to the living. A family honoring a relative’s dying wish gave him a burial at sea, only to have the body resurface off a Fort Lauderdale beach. A Tampa-area couple paid $8 for a box of bones at a yard sale that they planned to use as Halloween decorations, until they got home and realized it was a real human skeleton.

[ED. NOTE – Umm, oops?]

Finally, Florida has the kind of corrections officials that will make you rethink what you’re wearing. A Miami attorney said she was kept from visiting her client at a federal detention center because the underwire of her bra set off the metal detector. After she took it off, she said guards wouldn’t let her in because she was braless.

[ED.NOTE – In Chicago, we have attorneys posing for Playboy. I think Florida’s got it wrong and we’ve got it right.]

So, there you have it. No matter how silly something is that you’ve recently done, you haven’t even begun to challenge these folks. How do I know that? Simple. You’re reading this. That’s clearly a skill far beyond anything those people can ever aspire to.

If you have children I’m sure that – at least once or twice – you’ve asked yourself “If I could sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7, what do you think would be a fair price for her?” Well, now, you don’t have to ask anymore. Thanks to the stunning display of family values shown by Patty Bigbee and Laurence Works, we now know the answer to that question is $30,000.00 (USD).

Andrew Gant, of the Daytona News Journal, has all the useful information.

A Holly Hill grandmother sold her 8-week-old grandson for $30,000 in a shopping-center parking lot Friday before investigators rushed in to arrest her and her boyfriend, state law enforcement agents said.

“This transaction today was: ‘Take this baby, give us our money and go,’ ” Florida Department of Law Enforcement Resident Agent-in-Charge Wayne Ivey said as officers took Patty Bigbee, 45, and her 42-year-old beau Lawrence Works to the Volusia County Branch Jail after questioning Friday night.

“… They were looking to sell this infant to anyone,” Ivey said.

The sale happened in the parking lot near Best Buy on International Speedway Boulevard, investigators said, where Bigbee and Works parked, met their buyer and began unloading baby toys and a stroller from their vehicle.

The buyer was a confidential source from Tampa who found the baby for sale late last month — Ivey declined to explain how she did that, or if it was online — and went to authorities. FDLE agents then traced Bigbee to Holly Hill.

The buyer’s “motive for this whole thing was to protect this child,” Ivey said. “They recognized the depth of what was happening.”

Investigators said Bigbee’s asking price for the baby started at $75,000 but shrank to $30,000 after several days of negotiations.

Well, they’ve given a whole new meaning to the phrase “Best Buy,” that’s for sure.

Much to my surprise, there wasn’t a single mention of a WalMart being involved.

What fascinates me is the fact that the cops actually took a few days to negotiate. How the heck does that work? Is there some aesthetics’ chart involved? Possible income graphs? How do you even begin to have a negotiation like this?

“Well, Patty, I was looking for something a little more plump ….”?

Oh well, the good news is that these yahoos are off the streets, the child is safe and our world continues to spin forward in this enlightened new millennium.