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Love is a many splintered thing. I know that’s not the actual quote, but it does seem more accurate when you think about it. I, for one, am 0 for 2 in the marriage department. Others I know aren’t even that lucky. Some are in marriages of convenience or relationships that defy all logic, simply clinging to someone so they won’t have to die alone. In that regard I count myself lucky. Even without a wife I have some people whom I’m very close to and whom I’m proud to count as friends. And if they don’t share my bed they do share my life. I need never worry about being totally alone. If worst comes to worse, I still have my cats and they seem quite fond of me. Especially when I feed them. In fact, as I’m typing this, one of them is trying to help. She seems to have a fondness for the letter “A,” which she’ll hold down for extended periods, driving my spell checker insane.

Nevertheless, if all I talked about today were the positive things in life, you’d get bored pretty darn quick. So, instead, let’s take a look at relationships that are doomed from the start. Naturally, our quest begins in Florida where Colleen James tells the delightful story of a shunned smooch that ended in gunfire.

Helen Staudinger, 92, allegedly wanted a kiss.

But authorities say that after her 53-year-old neighbor refused, the central Florida woman aimed a semi-automatic pistol at his house and fired four times.

“If my head would have been over just a little bit further, (a bullet) probably would have hit me in the back of the head,” said the neighbor, Dwight Bettner.

Staudinger remained in jail on Tuesday, a day after being arrested on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and shooting into a dwelling. Her next court date is April 26.

Bettner, a former law enforcement officer and boilermaker, said his elderly neighbor has seemed attracted to him since he moved in six months ago. He’s not sure why.

“I’ve taken her trash out for her, just neighborly stuff,” Bettner said. “I guess she just took that as something else.”

Yeah, last week a neighbor lady helped me clear some trash from my backyard, which butts up to hers. Clearly that was an invitation to do the mattress mambo.

But some relationships get a little further along before the police are required. MSNBC reports that an Arizona wedding forced the local gendarmes to break out their riot gear.

Police say a bride was arrested at her own wedding reception near Phoenix after she kicked a police officer.

Police spokesman Hugh White said Monday that officers had to restrain 28-year-old Angela Davito around 9:30 p.m. Saturday after she became disorderly at the suburban Gilbert home where her reception was held.

Officers responding to a call found a large brawl in the backyard of the home and told everyone to stop fighting. But the commotion continued, and police officers pepper-sprayed the crowd. White says people then got angry and aggressive toward the officers and that Davito charged a partygoer.

He says Davito then kicked an officer and was arrested on charges of assault and obstructing governmental operations.

“Gosh Mom, here’s one of the cops spraying pepper spray on Aunt June, and here’s one of me getting arrested ….”

“Aw, shucks, my little girl’s all growed up, ain’t she?”

Yeah, that family album’s gotta be fun.

But the relationship that’s a complete head scratcher is the next one. It seems that Sammy Hagar and the Nation of Islam (which is very different than your regular old Islam) share a common belief. They both believe in UFOs and both believe they’ve either been in one or come from one.

I’ll let Lee Spiegal fill you in on the Nation of Islam.

It should be noted that the Nation of Islam (boasting up to 50,000 members), is not the same as the Islam religion (with nearly 2 billion worldwide followers). There are also several differences between NOI and core Islamic beliefs.

While Muslims believe in one God with no partners, Son or associates, the NOI says God appeared on Earth in the form of Fard, its founder. Its current leader, Farrakhan, has a history of anti-Jewish comments, and the NOI’s main interest is in helping black people who were descended from slaves. Muslims, on the other hand, do not favor one race over another.

And on top of all that, UFOs are an important aspect of the teachings of the NOI. Elijah Muhammad gave detailed accounts of a gigantic Earth-orbiting “Mother Plane” equipped with many weapons, but it’s never been clear what takes place on board this ship.

Seeking the divine in the skies is one of the core beliefs of NOI leaders and followers, which explains why so much of their literature tells of UFOs, or what they prefer to call airborne “wheels.”

But it’s not aliens flying around in these things, they say. Nation of Islam mythology teaches that the circular craft were somehow built by humans on Earth, many centuries ago, reportedly under the guidance of God.

According to the story, the original “wheel” was built by scientists on what is now the island of Japan, at a cost of $15 billion in gold. And, so the tale goes, these original UFOs were used to create mountains on Earth.

Part of the problem with all of this is that it raises more questions than it answers:

* Who really had the technological know-how millennia ago to make circular craft that could perform impossible aerial maneuvers?

* What happened to these ships? Are they the UFOs that are reported today?

* Why build these things just to make mountains?

Oh yeah, like those are the only problems with their spiel. But, it’ll do for our purposes here today. The fact that something flies in the face of logic or facts hasn’t stopped people from gleefully signing up before, and probably never will.

Which is kind of sad, but not nearly as sad as the hallucinogenic rant spewed by the Red Rocker, Sammy Hagar. Chris Epting has the complete story.

The 63-year-old Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee thinks he may have been “manipulated” in some way by a force not of this Earth, if not abducted by aliens. The story has touched off a firestorm of interest, and as Hagar told AOL News, he firmly believes in aliens (which he also states in his book).

“I believe in God, I believe in aliens — and I believe in Elvis,” he said, chuckling, before getting somewhat more serious on the topic. “We’re not the only ones, trust me, and those people that think we are, they’re the crazy ones — don’t call me crazy,” Hagar said, grinning, while talking about his belief that the universe is simply too vast to not contain other life forms.

“I also believe God made all of this around us, but that he didn’t make just us,” he said.

For all of his good-natured rambunctiousness and life-of-the-party persona, Hagar is thoughtful when talking about how his childhood dreams may be based in reality. He doesn’t make any claims of having seen UFOs or aliens themselves, but he seems to think he was part of something more cerebral or technology-based instead.

As for the specific incident Hagar recounted from his dreams, he explained that “they were 14 miles away from me, and we were connected in some kind of way, and either they were downloading or uploading, I don’t know. … It was something that existed between us: me and whatever was communicating with me from out there.”

Oooooookaaaaay, whatever you say Sammy. Let’s see what we’ve got here, shall we? The belief that we aren’t alone in the universe is logical. With billions of planets and even more billions of possible permutations available to create life, our being alone defies logic.

But, and this is a BIG BUT, why in God’s name would an alien travel untold light years just to mind meld with some random kid? That makes even less sense than the ever popular anal probes certain folks go on about. Unless, of course, he was psychically connected to NOI’s mother ship. That would be about the right distance from the ground. But what they’d want with a scrawny, white, kid only your deity of choice can answer.

What could possibly be odder than any of these couples? How about a Beatles song being performed by an Austrian Neo-Nazi band that features fish puppets?

Yeah. I win.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

First off, if you feel the need to make fun of Florida again, click here. It has nothing to do with today’s post, but some things are just too funny not to share. On a more selfish note, I’m pleased to report that all of my friends in Japan are alive and well. One did lose a house, but his family all made it to safety and that, when all is said and done, is the most important thing. Especially when you consider that the quake actually picked the entire country up and moved it 8 feet. Some experts are even saying that the Earth was moved about 4 inches off its axis.

Anyway, some people have said that I’ve been a little too serious up here lately. I can see that. I’ve had a lot on my mind and much of the news these days hasn’t lent itself to hilarity. So it is with unbridled glee and a song in my heart that I report to you now that you can begin doing your happy dance again.

At least for 6 days. Because that’s when the moon is going to crash into Earth and exterminate all life as we know it. And even some we don’t know.

Oh, wait, this just in: I have no idea what I’m talking about. Lee Spiegel reports that the moon’s just going to get a little closer and wave hello.

Well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?

Look! Up in the sky. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s … supermoon! That’s what you’ll see when you gaze into the heavens on March 19. It’ll sort of be hard to miss.

On that night, the full moon will be at lunar perigee, the nearest approach in its orbit around Earth. But in this case, it will be at its closest proximity to us in 18 years, reports Life’s Little Mysteries, Space.com’s sister site.

With our neighboring satellite scheduled to light up the sky from only 221,567 miles away, some are wondering if its close proximity will cause any unexpected problems back on Earth.

We all know, most likely from elementary school science or episodes of “Nova,” that the moon’s gravitational pull on our home planet affects the ocean tides. But with the upcoming extreme closeness of the moon, will any tide increases trigger other possible problems, such as earthquakes?

“A lot of studies have been done on this kind of thing by USGS scientists and others,” said John Bellini, a U.S Geological Survey geophysicist. “They haven’t found anything significant at all.”

And according to John Vidale a seismologist at the University of Washington in Seattle, we’ll never notice anything different about next week’s lunar perigee. “It’s somewhere between ‘it has no effect’ and ‘it’s so small you don’t see any effect.’ ”

In case you prefer to plan your life according to the movements and positions of the moon, sun and planets, renowned astrologer Richard Nolle lays claim to the term “supermoon” on his Astropro website.

Nolle agrees with the majority of scientists that the March 19 supermoon event isn’t likely to be, literally, Earth-shattering.

“It won’t be the case that all hell will break loose all over the world,” he wrote.

“The worst that can happen, if the worst doesn’t happen, is that you end up with a stock of fresh batteries and candles, some extra bottled water and canned goods, maybe a full tank of gas and an evacuation bag packed just in case.”

At the very least, when the moon rises at sunset in the early evening of March 19, it’ll probably produce a great photo op.

Author Jack McDevitt posited, in his book Moonfall, that a lunar catastrophe would equal a terrestrial one as well. However, since nothing bad’s going to happen to the moon, we can safely assume that nothing bad’s going to happen to us either.

Now, if only someone could explain to me why all these scientists are lining up two by two near a space ark, I’d feel much better.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

Whenever someone claims that God has no sense of humor, I immediately point them to the Duck-Billed Platypus or Gay Republicans Who Support African-American Klan Chapters. Right there are some theological knee slappers if you ask me. But you need not stick to the fringe or the esoteric. There are many fine examples of irony in our modern world. Alanis Morrisette writing a song called “Ironic” that didn’t feature one single instance of irony would be one example.

But, sometimes, even knowing all that, there are things that give you pause. For example, if Kiwani Illinois banned the local chapters of the Kiwani’s Club, that would be both ironic and sad. Well, believe it or not, according to MSNBC, Savannah Georgia has now set the bar so high (or low, as the case may be) that none may ever come close.

They banned Girl Scouts from selling Girl Scout Cookies by the home of the founder of the Girl Scouts.

Girl Scouts are no longer able to sell their famous cookies outside the historic Savannah home of the woman who founded the organization almost a century ago.

A complaint last year ended the longtime practice of selling the cookies on the public sidewalk outside the home of Juliette Gordon Low at the busy intersection of Bull Street and Oglethorpe Avenue. Peddling on a public sidewalk is a violation of city ordinance. One city alderman said he thinks the city should consider a temporary exception for cookie season.

The city’s zoning administrator, Randolph Scott, said he investigated the matter and tried to find a solution. He said he called for a survey, hoping there would be some private space between the home and the sidewalk. He said there wasn’t any.

Scott said they also looked at allowing the Scouts to sell from a small courtyard on the side of the house, but fire marshals told the Scouts they would block an exit route. The home is a National Historic Landmark open for tours.

“I know it doesn’t look good,” Scott told The Savannah Morning News. “However, other businesses won’t care if it’s the Girl Scouts or March of Dimes. They’re going to say, ‘Why can’t I sit out front and solicit business?'”

City Alderman Van Johnson said he thinks the city council should consider a variance to allow temporary sales during cookie season, which usually happens in the first few months of the year.

“Juliette Low brings thousands of tourists from around the country. Juliette Low is known for Girl Scouts, and Girl Scouts are known for cookies,” Johnson said. “Let’s be reasonable. Let them sell their cookies.”

Scouts have since started selling near some other high-traffic intersections. Girls used to be able to sell about 250 boxes in three hours outside the Low home, said Jan McKinney, who heads product sales for the Girl Scouts of Historic Georgia.

But she says it’s important that the girls learn the larger lesson of the change. She says the cookie sales are intended to teach the girls money management, public speaking, customer service and business ethics.

“We try to teach them that in business you have to adjust to things that happen, adapt to the market and follow the law,” she said. “It’s a real-world experience.”

The executive director of the Low house, Fran Harold, said tourists loved buying cookies from the girls at the home.

“It’s kind of sad for the girls, too,” she said. “There’s nothing cuter than some little Brownie Girl Scout selling cookies on the sidewalk in front of the Juliette Low house.”

Low founded the Girl Scouts in Savannah in March 1912 after meeting Sir Robert Baden-Powell, the founder of the Boy Scouts and the Girl Guides, and helped expand the organization worldwide.

Yes, the girls in Georgia will learn and grow and probably take over the world just as the giant, mutant, cockroaches invade from Florida.

Then again, they may be our best chance at survival. After all, it’s been proved time and again that they’re capable of learning and adapting, unlike the fools who currently govern them.

Yesterday, my little radio interview got pushed back a few minutes so that JoAnn and Ryan could interview Angie Harmon about her crusade to get kids to eat their veggies. And while all that was cool, and worthy, I really wanted them to ask her about the time she boinked a cartoon Batman. Specifically, in the movie Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker she, in the character of Barbara Gordon (a/k/a Batgirl), has a long conversation with the new Batman, Terry McGinnis, and it becomes apparent that she and Bruce Wayne had been knocking bat-boots back in the day. However, JoAnn and Ryan felt that the welfare of children came before my childish fantasies, so the questions went unasked.

Ah well, the world will never know.

Anyway, moving forward to the pseudo-point here today, let’s take a look at a Florida mom (why is it always Florida?) who went above and beyond the call of duty to make her child proud.

This kind of show-and-tell isn’t allowed in schools.

Police in Florida arrested a mother who allegedly exposed her breasts inside her child’s school during an argument with another woman who she believed was showing too much cleavage.

Law enforcement officials in Manatee County say Laura Campanello was visiting Bayshore High School at around 11:20 a.m. Monday when she noticed something amiss. And that something was another mother’s chest, according to the Bradenton Herald.

After the mothers started arguing, a deputy arrived on the scene and Campanello reportedly begged him to impose a dress code on the other mom.

But according to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun, the deputy informed the 42-year-old suspect that he “cannot tell her what to wear as long as she is not exposing herself.”

That’s when Campanello allegedly pulled down her blouse and stated, “Oh, then I can.”

According to the Herald-Tribune, the suspect then squeezed her breasts together, adding, “And then I can just do this.”

The deputy apparently disagreed, arresting Campanello on suspicion of disorderly conduct.

Suspicion? What does it take down there to actually get cited for real disorderly conduct?

Never mind, I don’t want to know.

In Brazil, the citizens were so fed up with the status quo that they elected an illiterate clown to Congress. And when you have high quality representation like that, is it any surprise that the boob voted for the wrong party?

A clown who won a seat in Brazil’s Congress by a landslide has stayed true to his former profession by accidentally messing up his first vote.

Francisco Everardo Oliveira Silva, better known by his clown name Tiririca, had pledged to back the government’s austerity proposal for a new national minimum wage in a crucial vote on Wednesday night.

When the time came, however, Tiririca pressed the wrong button on the computerized system and accidentally voted for an opposition proposal for a much bigger increase in the wage than the government wants, according to Brazilian media who spoke to his office.

The leader of the opposition PSDB party in Congress’ lower house, Duarte Nogueira, said he was grateful for the unexpected support, although the government still won the vote.

“I went and thanked him — after all, it’s the support of the deputy who won the most votes in Brazil,” he was quoted as saying by the Agencia Estado news agency.

Tiririca caught the attention of disillusioned voters last October with a campaign slogan “It can’t get any worse” and a promise to do nothing more in Congress than report back on how politicians spend their time.

As long as we’re talking about politics, let’s head over to Belgium where a revolt is taking place. However, unlike the terror sweeping the Mideast, this revolution involves naked people, beards, fries and beer.

Dana Kennedy at AOL News has the whole story.

In sharp contrast to the life-and-death revolutions sweeping the Middle East, there’s a country in Europe about to surpass Iraq for the number of days it’s been without a real government.

Welcome to Belgium, where citizens on Friday will mark 250 days of Belgian-style anarchy with protests that will include stripping naked in the Flemish city of Ghent. French fries will be handed out in Leuven. It’s all part of the so-called “Fries Revolution.”

Beer will also be provided to protesters in several Belgian cities.

Beard-growing and calls to abstain from sex are a few more of the “revolutionary” tools being used to shame the country’s long-warring factions into coming up with a working government. The movement even has the ultimate accessory, a Facebook page, The Wall Street Journal noted.

Thanks to Belgium’s version of the Sunnis and Shiites — the wealthy, conservative Dutch-speaking Flemish of the north and the socialist, French-speaking Walloons of the south — last June’s elections ended in a political deadlock. At stake is Belgian’s unity: The Flemish want to form an independent Flemish state, and the French-speaking Belgians want the country to remain as it has been since 1830.

Belgium has a multiparty system that requires parties to work with one another to form coalition governments. But the Flemish and the French speakers to the south are so far apart that they haven’t been able to work out a political solution.

“We’ve had enough of political games,” said Kliment Kostadinov, one of the organizers, the BBC reported. “We must get a government fast and a reform of our institutions that is good for all Belgians.”

Johan Vande Lanotte, who resigned recently as King Albert II’s mediator tasked with ending the stalemate, urged Belgium’s political leaders not to give up, the BBC said.

“If the gap is so great, the parties should take great steps. That is not easy. Often they don’t realize how hard that is. You don’t make major reform of the state without enormous pain in your own ranks,” Lanotte said.

But Belgians have tried to not take the crisis too seriously.

Cedric Caudelier spearheaded a “protest” movement in January called “Beards for Belgium” (BeardforBelgium.be) in which he called on people not to shave until a government is in place.

Caudelier told Radio Free Europe that the beard-growing movement is “to say that we are still waiting for a government, we are living in Belgium, we are Belgians and we would like you to find a solution.”

They may be the most polite revolutionaries I’ve ever seen. But, I guess nothing says “we’re fed up and not going to take it any more” better than naked people with beards. Obviously, no one’s surprised that beer is involved.

And, bonus, what could be more appropriate than the fact they do want fries with that?

When people talk about Florida, and they’re not taking the time to insult it, the conversation often turns to the fact that it is the cockroach capital of the world. I’m not sure if that’s an official designation, but it does seem to be one the residents trumpet. In a state where it’s perfectly legal to carry a handgun while fishing because, you know, the fish are armed and dangerous, it’s illegal for men to wear strapless gowns in public. That’s bad news for the Queen of Southbeach, Elaine Lancaster. It’s a pity s/he’s adverse to snow. S/he would make a fine addition to World News Center announcing crew.

In a state where the missionary position is the only one allowed (how do they enforce that?), it’s illegal to have sex with a porcupine (remember, this became a law for a reason).

Their State Constitution even has a provision making it a crime to keep a pregnant pig in a pen. However it is unclear on whether or not the pig and the porcupine are allowed to hook up.

But one law they have on the books hearkens back to my opening statement; it is illegal to import cockroaches. I have no idea why you’d want to since they’re freaking everywhere down there. They’re so prevalent that many of them own property and small shops near the shore. Some even work as ride operators at that amusement park in Orlando. Nevertheless, as it turns out, there weren’t enough of them for one guy. WFTV (Channel 9) in Orlando is reporting that Derek Rader has been buying and selling (selling?) cockroaches for quite some time.

Most of us would do anything to keep cockroaches out of our homes. However, an Orlando man was arrested Wednesday night for smuggling them into the state and into his house.

Apparently, bugs are a big business, and officers said he had them illegally shipped into Orlando from California.

The roaches are about two-inches-long and they’re often used as food for reptiles. But they’re illegal in Florida and one Orlando man found out how serious the state is about enforcing the law.

Cockroaches are crawling insects some people love to hate and they are everywhere in Florida. But the type of roach that Derek Rader allegedly smuggled in, isn’t supposed to be here.

Dubia roaches are not native to Florida and it’s illegal to bring them here, which is why, the state said, when Rader had them shipped to Orlando from California, he was arrested. Radar, however, bonded out of jail.

“Are you Derek?” WFTV reporter Jeff Deal asked a man at the door.

“No,” the man replied.

“We’re with Channel 9,” Deal said.

But the man slammed the door.

The State Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services said Rader operates a website business from his Orlando home that sells bugs. They said he altered a state permit to show he had permission to import the banned bugs.

Neighbors said they are angry.

“Florida, is the cockroach capital of the world already, why would we need more?” said neighbor Eric Hager.

Local reptile experts said the roaches are a good food source for lizards. They have more meat and more nutrients than crickets. They’re also quieter and easier to handle, and once you have some good breeding roaches, you won’t have to buy more.

But Dr. Philip Nichols of Massey Services pest control said introducing non-native species where they may not have natural predators could mean a population explosion.

“Could be out of control, could be everywhere,” Nichols said.

That is why the state said it’s cracking down and why Rader is facing criminal charges. He faces two felony charges and a first-degree misdemeanor.

Investigators said he is not cooperating and they have no idea what happened to all the roaches he brought into Florida.

There are four types of cockroaches that researchers say could invade Florida after being imported. They are the: orange-spotted roach or dubia, Madagascar hissing roach, lobster roach, and the Turkestan roach.

Entomologists said pest control operators should be on the look-out for the roaches that could breed if released into the wild.

In other words, there’s no reason to panic. Those creepy, disease carrying, insects are just figments of your imagination. Don’t mind them. And, no, they’re not arming themselves, that would be silly. After all, they already outnumber the human population by an order of magnitude.

But if you happen to notice Georgians erecting a giant, bug zapping, fence across their southern border, I hope you’ll understand. The last thing they want is to end up as pets for giant, swamp fed, cockroaches.

Porno For Pyros – Pets from Alex Sander on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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