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Of course it started in Florida.

March 8, 2011 by

Sexy is as sexy does, I always say.
Sexy is as sexy does, I always say.
If you Google Florida Stupid Criminals you’ll end up with a plethora of wonderful options. You just can’t make up stuff like a guy who stole bras to give to his girlfriend … in prison. There’s this whole weird sub-class of criminals who live there who seem hell bent on proving that evolution missed the Sunshine State. Not by a little bit either. I’m talking about eons of genetic progress that got unceremoniously dumped in a swamp somewhere. In fact Go Florida has completely surrendered and added dumb locals as some sort of twisted tourist attraction. From the lady who tried to rob a store with an unplugged electric chainsaw to the nice guy who wrote a hold up note on the back of his jail-release form, they’re all there. It’s almost as if there’s some sort of idiot zoo and the price of admission is just a quick trip south.

And yet, every new member of any hall of fame needs to set the bar a little higher. Or would that be lower? Either way, Brian Hammacher writes about a worthy candidate.

Just remember this, at some point in her life some Florida guy thought she was hot.

A 46-year-old Naples woman was arrested over the weekend for disorderly intoxication after she allegedly stripped naked, threw rocks at some men and threatened to “beat their asses,” and then started taking her teeth out, according to a Collier County Sheriff’s report.

The deputy who responded to reports of an intoxicated female Saturday night got quite an eyeful when he found Tina Belinda Masta sitting on a dock wrapped only in a blanket.

She smelled of booze, had glassy eyes and had difficulty speaking, according to the report. And when she turned to face the deputy, she took off her blanket, revealing her birthday suit.

Masta told the deputy that she had taken some of her teeth out and thrown them into a canal and asked to use some pliers. Instead of pliers, Masta got handcuffed and put in the back of a squad car.

A witness told the deputy that Masta had been cursing at three men before she started throwing rocks at them. At some point she pulled off her clothes and threatened to “beat their asses,” according to the report.

She also tried to break a light and a wooden fence, the witness said.

The deputy helped Masta get dressed and booked her into jail.

I think I dated her. You probably have too.

But Florida is not the sole repository of damaged genomes. Far from it. Every now and then a bright light of ineptitude shines forth from the rationality firmament that needs to be acknowledged. Associated Press reports that they found such a bright albedo in North Carolina.

Police have charged an 83-year-old greeter at a North Carolina Walmart with trying to rob the store over the weekend.

Police say George Plane Jr. of Mooresville was working Sunday night when he went to his car, donned a disguise and walked back inside the Statesville store with a gun.

Statesville Police Chief Tom Anderson says Plane put the gun to a fellow employee’s head and demanded money from a cash register. Anderson says Plane fired a shot in the air after leaving with the money. Plane was arrested later Sunday.

He was being held Monday on multiple charges, including robbery with a dangerous weapon.

It could not be immediately determined Monday if he has a lawyer.

Lawyer? How about a shrink? I mean, c’mon, this dude works there and seriously thought that some cheap Halloween costume would fool his co-workers?

“Hi George. What’s with the wig?”

And did an 83 year old guy actually think he’d outrun pursuit?

“1 Adam 12, we’re in pursuit of a suspect who’s driving a ’94 Toyota with the left turn signal blinking, going 35 mph on Route 264. He’s headed north bound in the south bound lanes and seems to be signaling for me to pass.”

These people almost, almost, make Illinois’ politicians seem smart.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Bad Human!

December 5, 2019 by Bill McCormick

Not a good pet.

It’s that time of year again, when people give stuff to other people and expect other stuff in return. Why they just don’t give themselves stuff and be done with it baffles me, but here we are. Then again, Christmas was banned in many countries for over a century because it was so violent. So maybe giving people stuff instead of starting riots is a step in the right direction. Add in the fact that many people will just get drunk, and watch some of the greatest, brain bending, holiday films ever made, and you have a recipe for depression. So, obviously, the best thing you can do is give them something that will make them happy. And nothing’s happier than a ball of fur or scales wrapped in love. [Read more…] about Bad Human!

Filed Under: News Tagged With: bad ideas, birds, crocs, gators, monkeys, pets, snakes, venomous

Controversy

August 29, 2019 by Bill McCormick

Tempests in teapots
The things that set people off into ALL CAPS rages continues to amaze me. From pumpkin spice anything to the colors of the new line of Hyundai’s. Now, if they made pumpkin spiced Hyundai’s then I could understand. Nah, I still wouldn’t care. Even so, high dudgeon appears to be attainable via the slightest provocation. And never is that more true than in the world of superheroes. What? You thought I was going to dive into politics? Sorry buddy, I gave up low hanging fruit when I dumped all my Florida stories. From Ben Affleck ruining Batman for all, he didn’t, to Gal Gadot not being American, neither was Wonder Woman, to Robert Downey Jr. being a horrible actor, he’s not, to Black Panther being a waste of white people’s money, it wasn’t, etc. On and on it goes. This will ruin civilization, or that will destroy all human morals, or something even more dire. None of the arguments have any validity when looked at logically, but people keep making them.
[Read more…] about Controversy

Filed Under: News Tagged With: birds of prey, comics, controversy, harley quinn, movies, ms. marvel, she-hulk

The Joys of Extinction

August 9, 2019 by Bill McCormick

Goat is a delicacy all over the world.

Back on January 10, 2013, I wrote a whimsical missive about how Floridians may be the stupidest, and most dangerous, morons on Earth. Not much has changed since then. Back then they authorized regular citizens to wander the Everglades and hunt pythons with handguns. For those who don’t party with giant constrictors, pythons can get to twenty feet long, a couple hundred pounds, and can kill and eat a four or five year old child without effort. Hunting them with handguns is akin to hunting rogue elephants with a slingshot. It can be done, but your aim better be amazing since you won’t get a second shot. Long time fan of the Friday edition of The Big Wake Up Call, the weekly radio companion to this blog, Roger (last name withheld by request) over at Smithsonian Magazine, sent me THIS LINK to update me on how well things have gone since then. [Read more…] about The Joys of Extinction

Filed Under: News Tagged With: cockroaches, extinction, Florida, guns, python

Just a Walk in the Park

September 28, 2018 by Bill McCormick

How cool is walking when you couldn’t do it before?

Once upon a time being paralyzed was a slow, painful, death sentence. In some cultures (HI KLINGONS!) killing such a person was deemed merciful. As recently as ten years ago all science could do was make life a little more bearable for the inflicted. Comfortable beds and wheelchairs seemed to be as far as science could go. But then things started changing. On April 13th, of this year, I updated several earlier posts about how science was dealing with paralysis. In Australia, they’d come up with a spinal implant that showed promise. A university in California developed a cap that stimulated synapses and helped people regain movement. In 2016 the Keck Institute developed a method using stem cells to help patients regain full mobility. That link will take you to the full article and has contact info if you, or someone you know, may be eligible for the ongoing trials.
[Read more…] about Just a Walk in the Park

Filed Under: News Tagged With: pain, paralyzed, wak

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