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Back on April 26th of last year I noted that Florida was a fun place to go if you wanted to have sex with your pet. After that Florida went into full on defense mode and tried to outlaw bestiality. They, in the process, outlawed all sex between mammals unless it was specifically for husbandry. When it was pointed out that humans are mammals and that selling your wife or significant other for sex violates other laws it was quickly rescinded. I should note that this had to be pointed out to them. Not one single, allegedly college educated, politician in Florida knew this. The whole reason Florida’s politicians got interested in outlawing bestiality in the first place was because a lady was selling videos of her having sex with two dogs and they discovered that was perfectly legal in the Sunshine State. Her kiddie porn collection, on the other hand, wasn’t. So Florida bumbled and tumbled into the 20th century, or thereabouts, and passed some laws.

In the case of outlawing bestiality it took them a total of four tries.

No, I’m not kidding.

But they got it done.

In any other state that would be the end of the story. But “any other state” doesn’t have to contend with Floridians as its residents. You see a gentleman named Carlos Ramiro is upset that he is no longer allowed to have sex with menstruating donkeys.

No, I am not making this up.

Regardless of what you think of Carlos Romero’s penchant for donkey sex, he certainly has courage in his convictions.

Romero, 31, was arrested Monday and charged with misdemeanor sexual activity with an animal, by officials in Ocala, Fla., but believes the real outrage is that the Sunshine State is “backwards” towards zoophilia.

The charges stem from an incident last month where a witness reportedly saw Romero with his pants down “up against the rear of the donkey,” TheSmokingGun.com reported.

Romero reportedly stepped away from the donkey and pulled up his pants when he saw the witness.

However, when Marion County detectives questioned him on Friday, he admitted that when the donkey is in heat, he will stand behind her, scratch her withers, and masturbate. He says he “likes the way her fur feels” on his privates,” according to WSTP-TV.

Romero told detectives he had done this five or six times and added that “Florida is a backwards state and people frown on zoophilia here,” according to the arrest report.

The victimized animal is a 21-month-old miniature donkey named Doodle he purchased two months ago, according to Ocala.com. The animal has since been removed by animal control, much to Romero’s dismay.

“I want my donkey back. There’s got to be due process here. I paid $500 for her,” Romero told a judge at the Marion County Jail Tuesday morning according to Ocala.com.

In a jailhouse interview, Romero told the website that he doesn’t “feel comfortable around people” and has “never been a people person.”

In addition, he says that animals “are usually there for you,” “do not seek other pleasures” and their feelings are “100 percent honest,” compared to humans who “stab you in the back, give you diseases, lie to you” and are “promiscuous.”

Romero told the website he’d been having sex with horses since he was 18, but didn’t feel Doodle was ready since “she’s blooming into maturity.”

At Romero’s first court appearance, Romero entered a plea of not guilty. Bail remained at $2,000, and his next court appearance on Oct. 9.

Bob Nelson, an overseer at the farm, said he has told sheriff’s deputies that he does not want Romero there.

“I don’t want to be associated with anyone like that,” Nelson told the website on Tuesday.

Well, it’s good to know that he’s not a pedophile animal moelster. Doodle will attain her majority without being violated.

And that is the only good news in that mess.

For Mr. Romero, I believe a vacation is in order. Bestiality is still legal in 22 states; Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia and Wyoming.

Oddly enough, and I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, most of them outlaw gay sex.

In other words, they made a conscious choice to allow their citizens the joys of doing the mattress mambo with a moo moo.

Emmanuelle In Wonderland (Movie Trailer) from Mia Torres on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

You’re looking at the pic to the left and wondering what the hell I have to pay to get a grown woman to pose like that. You’ll be pleased to know the answer is nothing. She posted that image all by herself. It seems she lives in Montana and her image has even been used to explain how Indonesian men can be seduced by cows. Udderly ridiculous you say? Sadly, no. It seems there is a whole sub-genre of humanity that finds bovines beautiful. Considering we live in a country where bestiality is legal in 22 states; Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia and Wyoming, for those planning a vacation, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Montana does have a law on the books prohibiting sex with animals, but it includes homosexuals in the list of undesirable beasts. And, as written, seems to provide for situations where innocent people are seduced by animals. See Indonesia for reasons why. No one has challenged the constitutionality of the Montana law. Legal experts say that’s because no one in Montana is actually aware what a constitution is or what it provides for. There’s a whole lot of home schooling going on out there.

Montana has some other laws on the books that are head scratchers as well.

1) It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperon.

2) It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

3) It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

4) In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

5) It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.

6) Prostitution is considered a “crime against the family.”

Okay, I can see valid reasons for #1 having been to Montana in my lifetime. #2 makes sense when I’m angry at my ex but not outside of that. #3 is funny. Some of the most violent movies in history have been filmed, and are still being filmed, in Montana. As to #4, why? Good luck enforcing #5. #6 may be the only one that makes sense.

In other cow related news in Montana it seems that bovines are attacking humans and hospitalizing them. Police in Billings were finally compelled to use lethal force to stop a mooing terrorist.

A Montana man suffered broken bones and sore ribs after being pummeled by a 1,200-pound black Angus cow that ran amok through downtown Billings on Tuesday, the Billings Gazette reported.

Morgan Logan, 52, was released from the hospital Wednesday afternoon, a day after the cow ran through Billings for nearly two hours before being shot by police.

I’ve been around livestock my whole life, so at first sight I thought it was pretty funny seeing cops chase a cow down the street,” Logan told the newspaper. “But she was like a bull at a rodeo.”

Logan had been driving a gravel truck at the construction site where he works when he spotted police going after the animal and decided to help.

The cow escaped from the Public Auction Yards around 3 p.m. during unloading before going on a two-hour trek through the city’s downtown.

The paper reported the cow knocked over a cyclist, charged at pedestrians and nearly jumped over a police vehicle.

“It’s not like we are out in the pasture,” Lt. Kevin Iffland with the Billings Police Department said Wednesday. “This was a totally different scenario of asphalt and a lot of traffic. We are not equipped to wrangle large animals in a city environment.”

Logan said the cow charged at him “like a bull at a rodeo” from under a tree knocking him into the air.

“I couldn’t believe how fast she came out from under the tree,” Logan said. “I guess I saw her too late because the next thing I knew I was in the air. I had no fence to climb — she caught me right in the open.”

Police requested assistance from the state fish and wildlife parks office and the auction yard where the cow had escaped from.

Bob Gibson, communication and education program manager for Fish and Wildlife Parks, said they were unable to respond to the incident because the agency wouldn’t have been able to act fast enough.

“It’s not like we just go to the cupboard and pull out a dart gun and shoot,” Gibson said. “There are different drugs, concentrations and quantities that are all considerations when darting animals. Wardens do a lot of studying and environmental assessment ahead of time when tranquilizing an animal.

Eventually a police marksman was called and shot the cow through the heart, ending the the rampage. The cow was taken to a city landfill.

Landfill? In Montana? It’s Black Angus dudes, fire up a big grill and throw a party. Oh well, the cops must be home schooled too.

Yet another home grown genius in Montana is Randy Lee Tenley, who dressed up like Bigfoot and then got killed by a 17 year old girl.

Yes, it’s sad and, yes, I feel bad for the young lady and, yes, I laughed my ass off.

A 44-year old Kalispell man is dead after being hit on Highway 93 Sunday night. Troopers say Randy Lee Tenley was wearing an apparently store-bought ghillie suit when two vehicles struck him.

A ghillie suit is a type of three-dimensional camouflage, sometimes worn by military snipers. The suits are available online and at hunting shops. Troopers say the get-up played a big role in his death. They say he was in the right-hand lane of Highway 93 South when a 15-year old Somers girl hit him.

“He probably would not have been very easy to see at all,” said Montana Highway Patrol Trooper Jim Schneider.

Another car swerved, and a third car, troopers say driven by a 17-year old Somers girl, ran him over.

“It appears the pedestrian was well into the driving lane,” said Schneider. Officials closed Highway 93 for two hours on Sunday night, as firefighters directed traffic and officers investigated. What they found is troubling.

“According to his companions, he was out there in the ghillie suit attempting to incite a sighting of Bigfoot, to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.

But, dispatchers received no calls of the sort, just the one that sent emergency crews rushing to the scene. Sunday night’s investigation is ongoing. Troopers say Tenley likely drank alcohol yesterday, but they’re still waiting on toxicology results to see if he was impaired.

Oh, I’m guessing he was close to sober. Ghillie suits are tough to put on in the best of situations, drunks are probably not going to be able to make it work. And, yeah, it sucks for that kid to have killed a guy but, from her point of view, she hit a shrub that fell on the highway.

No word on whether they threw the ghillie suit in the landfill as well.

Talkin Sasquatch Blues from Trevor Knapp Jones on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

We live in a country that espouses family values. Many brandish them like clubs. And, while I might think that such usage would contradict the core idea, enough people do so these days that it seems normal. Which is what makes articles like this one so much fun. As regular readers of this blog know, Florida recently outlawed bestiality. It took them four tries and one try actually outlawed all sex between mammals until someone broke out a 4th grade biology book (from another state) and realized what mammals were. And still are. They’re those hairy things that excrete milk for their young, in case you weren’t sure. Their like include dolphins, kangaroos, dogs and humans. And, while I still oppose kangaroo / human sex, I’m a big fan of human / human sex. In fact, if the producers weren’t such prudes, I could go for a little of that right now. Well, true, I’d need a partner, no fun living with nothing but a left handed love affair, but I’m betting I could figure something out.

That’s why God created credit cards.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some loving families and how they encourage their members to better themselves. Like Curtis Pace and his underage nephew.

A Sarasota man was arrested after encouraging his underage nephew to commit an armed robbery with him, an arrest report shows.

On Feb. 1, Curtis Pace, 45, and his nephew robbed three people at gunpoint in the 4200 block of 53rd Avenue West in Bradenton.

The pair then drove off, but authorities tracked them down through the GPS on one of the stolen cell phones. They were arrested in Sarasota.

Pace later told authorities he and his nephew had been smoking rock cocaine. Pace is now at the Manatee County jail on several charges, including armed robbery, child abuse and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He is being held on bonds totaling $186,000.

Can’t you just feel the love and nurturing there?

Of course, there is no bond like the bond between a mother and her daughter. The entire O Network is built on that bit of treacle. So it’s heartening to see that, even in Florida, this holds true.

The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office has arrested a mother and daughter for stealing high end electronics and other items and in some cases pawning the goods for cash.

Detectives found 55-year-old Colleen Reiheld and her 20-year-old daughter Taylor, both of 155 Siesta Drive in Sarasota, committed several crimes since January of this year. On at least three occasions, the pair was seen entering the Target store located at 8401 South Tamiami Trail in Sarasota, concealing items in bags or purses, and leaving the store without paying. Stolen items include Go Pro HD cameras, a coffee maker, bottles of champagne, a cell phone charger and a tent.

Both women are charged with two counts of Grand Theft, and Colleen is facing additional charges of Dealing in Stolen Property and Providing False Ownership to a Pawn Broker for selling two Go Pro HD cameras and claiming to be the legal owner.

The Reihelds were booked into the Sarasota County Jail Thursday afternoon and later released on bond.

They pawned the goods for cash? What were they thinking? Don’t they know that you’re supposed to collect the stolen stuff and then keep it in an easy to find location? That’s what Zachary Thomas Jones did.

Divine intervention didn’t protect thousands of dollars that deputies say was stolen from a sacred stash spot Thursday.

A North Naples woman reported about $2,200 she kept inside a Bible in her car trunk was taken.

Zachary Thomas Jones, 18, of the 14000 block of Sterling Oaks Drive, North Naples, and the woman’s daughter, who is 16 years old, were arrested Friday by Collier deputies. They are accused of grabbing the woman’s car keys while she was in the shower and removing the cash from the Bible in the car. The woman told deputies she became suspicious when she saw Jones paying cash for nearly $300 in items from a corner store.

The majority of the money was found inside the teen girl’s bedroom closet, according to arrest reports.

Both teens face felony burglary and grant theft charges, as well as resisting a law enforcement officer without violence after deputies reported they tried to run from the scene.

Of course, not all thefts are self serving. Arnene Stanley, a loving mother of one, ripped off Wal-Mart for a ton of cash and prizes so she could care for her daughter.

On Thursday, March 29, detectives arrested Arnene Stanley, W/F, 37, for grand theft. On March 19, a loss prevention officer at the Wal-Mart on SW HWY 200 reported to detectives that Stanley, an assistant manager at the store, had stolen more than $6,000 from the store by creating false return transactions.

During the investigation, detectives collected receipts for returned jewelry items that had conflicting signatures. They also observed surveillance video that showed Stanley performing the transactions with no customers present. Detectives confirmed that Stanley used the identities of at least five victims to make numerous fraudulent transactions.

Stanley told detectives she stole the money to pay for her daughter’s medical bills. She worked for Wal-Mart for more than 20 years. Stanley was arrested and charged with Grand Theft (1 count) and Misuse of Personal Identification (9 counts). Her bond was set at $95,000.

And if she had $95,000 she wouldn’t have needed to steal to pay her daughter’s medical bills.

Just saying.

Of course no about Florida would be complete without boobs and poetry.

And burglars. Have to have burglars.

Roses are red, violets are blue, your poem is nice but we’re still arresting you.

Florida police say a drunk and disorderly 31-year-old woman allegedly tore off her shirt, and flashed her tattooed breasts, revealing a poem, during a burglary investigation.

Susan Stickle and her 44-year-old friend Eric Bachman were allegedly smashing glass and screaming inside a Vero Beach home last Sunday, so neighbors called police to report a possible burglary, according to arrest reports obtained by TCPalm.com.

When cops showed up, the pair was allegedly on the porch screaming expletives and appearing to “be intoxicated by drugs and alcohol.” An officer tried to talk to Bachman, but the suspect told him to go away.

That’s when things got scandalous.

When asked for her name, Stickle allegedly took off her shirt, revealing a completely exposed chest and a tattoo listed as “Poem of a dead tree,” the news website reported.

It’s yet unclear whether Stickle’s tattoo was her own composition or a reference to the Chinese poem by Yang Jian, which makes reference to an abrasive lifestyle:

“I no longer have any leaves, only thorns remain.”

Bachman refused to explain why the two were at the residence. Cops arrested both on charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Neighbors later told officers that the house belonged to Bachman, no burglary charges were filed.

That’s right kids, this fine example of the best the gene pool has to offer robbed his own home and trashed it. As to the poem, I’m going to go out on a limb and say this nice lady has never even heard of ancient China let alone read poetry from there.

Here’s a nice song from a Texan that he dedicated to his son. It’s got a nice Floridian blues vibe.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I couldn’t hop on the internet this morning so I was forced to wail and gnash my tooth in anguish that the world might be doing something interesting without me. HAH! Like that could ever happen. I am the most interesting thing in my universe. Well, the second most. Florida holds the main title. No matter how odd the things in my life may be they pale in comparison to things in Florida. I recently tried to explain Florida to some of our new Asian readers. It seems I made some inroads but they still have questions. And, to be fair, they are really good questions. The most common one is “what makes them act that way?” To that I have no ready answer. It is a behavior pattern that has been generations in the making. The biggest factor might be that Florida only attracted two kinds of people for many, many years; those that were avoiding the government and those who were going to die. Not exactly the best and the brightest. Certainly not that spark you need for the next generation. Or any generation for that matter.

So, when people in Florida commit a crime they tend to do it with a different flair than you’re used to. For example, lots of women shoplift. Very few tag-team to steal thongs. That they tried on first. That they tried to hide in their purses. In front of security. Who saved everyone some time and just arrested them.

See? Different.

Or, another example, men and women argue all the time. Sometimes some men will try and hurt their women. But only in Florida do they light themselves on fire after attacking a car. You’re going to have to read the whole story.

A Wesley Chapel man was critically burned after investigators say a plan to torch his estranged wife backfired.

From her upstairs apartment, Capitola Scott could hear her neighbor, 47-year-old Gloria Davis, shrieking for help and then saw Davis being chased. Scott opened the door, yelling at her to get inside.

Police say the man chasing Davis with a jug full of gasoline was her husband of 25 years, 50-year-old Matthew Wong. The two had been separated since October.

Detectives say Wong had apparently planned to ambush Davis. They say he rented a car and blacked out the windows. But Davis spotted Wong and immediately began to run, screaming for help.

As he frantically chased his wife, investigators say Wong inadvertently splattered gasoline all over himself, and when he went to torch the apartment where his wife was seeking refuge, it was Wong who went up in flames.

Neighbors used fire extinguishers to put out the fire that was consuming him and some nearby bushes. A scorched patch of grass now marks the spot where he fell to the ground.

Investigators say Wong was rushed to Tampa General Hospital with life-threatening burns. They say the couple has two older children who also live in the Bay area.

The incident comes just days after a high-profile trial, during which Chris Hanney was convicted of dousing his wife, Audrey Mabrey, with gasoline.

Investigators say they’re not yet sure if the timing of the cases is a coincidence, or if this was a copycat type of attack.

Well, if it was it was a bad copy. Which is good news for the woman who, I believe, just might be justified for not wanting to hang around with this guy any more. Don’t you agree?

Let’s try another. People get pulled over all the time for driving under the influence. Only in Florida would the driver blame her inability to function on her big breasts.

A Port St. Lucie woman facing DUI charges told arresting officers her “big boobies” were to blame for her inability to perform sobriety tests, according to an arrest report.

Maureen Jane Raymond, 49, was arrested in Jensen Beach on Jan. 29 after she was stopped by cops who responded to a reckless vehicle call, according to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office report.

According to the report, a deputy saw Raymond driving over 50 mph in a 35 mph zone in her grey Camry and crossing over the double yellow line twice before parking in two spots at a Walgreen’s.

The deputy smelled an odor of alcohol on Raymond and noticed she had slurred speech, glassy eyes and staggered when she walked, the report said.

According to the report, Raymond started drinking out of a glass, telling the deputy it was tea. A second glass found in the car smelled like an alcoholic beverage, the deputy wrote in the report.

Raymond was asked to get out of the car for tests and she started to give her top heavy excuse.

“When I told her we were going to do some roadside tasks she told me that I needed to understand that she is big chested and if I asked her to close her eyes and balance she is not going to balance well,” the deputy wrote. “She told me ‘big breast you don’t balance well.'”

Asked if she had any injuries, Raymond replied she had big breasts and whiplash, the report said.

The report said Raymond had a hard time following directions and that when she was asked to walk a straight line, she began to dance.

“When I told her she had to keep her hands at her side she stated hell no not with these. Telling me again she can’t do it, not with her big boobies,” the deputy wrote, adding Raymond “began to take her clothes off to show me her breast and I stopped her.”

Raymond was asked to count and “she seemed to sing the numbers while counting,” the report said.

The deputy arrested Raymond for DUI, and she was taken to the station for a breath test.

But before the breath test, Raymond insisted she pray, the report said.

“She told me she was praying and that I need to relax because she is praying and God is first,” the deputy wrote.

Raymond wasn’t able to provide a valid breath sample, and was booked into jail, the report said. She was released on bond the next day.

Ah yes, the “my boobs are ginormous and God is good defense.” Lawyers all over the world are anxiously waiting to see how this one plays out.

Sadly, for the lawyers tasked with representing Stanley B. Ramos, there will be no fun in the courthouse for them. You see their client was arrested for possession of drugs and related paraphernalia and showed up for his hearing with a crack pipe. So said the nice police officers who allowed him to be sentenced first and then arrested him.

Okay, one more for the road. Lots of people take those online quizzes. Some pass, some fail. Only in Florida do they try and kill a cat for being the reason of their failure.

The beating of the girlfriend was just a bonus.

A Gainesville man went to jail on a charge of animal cruelty after admitting to police that he tried to kill his girlfriend’s cat because he said it made him fail an online test.

In addition to the animal cruelty charge, the Gainesville Police Department arrested Marvelle Stephon Rucker, 21, of 1000 SW 62nd Blvd., on charges of false imprisonment and battery.

The cat’s owner told police that she found the animal lethargic and unresponsive when she got home from work around 4:50 p.m. Sunday. She also said Rucker cornered her and poked her in the face for 10 or 15 minutes until a roommate intervened.

Officer Keith Carlisle said Rucker admitted to poking the woman in her face, but said he did not think it was a crime if he was not beating her.

In an arrest report, Carlisle wrote that, when he asked Rucker why he put a pillow over the cat, Rucker “laughed as he said he was trying to kill the cat” because the cat made him fail an online test.

Rucker was booked into the Alachua County jail.

And ladies, word is he’s single again. I’m just saying.

Anyway, as you can see, two truths are self evident; (1) people in Florida shouldn’t be allowed to breed as rapidly as they do and; (2), your world is really empty without me.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVkUvmDQ3HY&w=420&h=315]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Friday morning around 9:10!