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While I know this will come as a shock to some of our more genteel readers, in an effort to engender journalistic transparency I must admit that I have been known to toss back a frosty cold adult libation from time to time. Moreover, I’ve also been known to enjoy the heartwarming aroma of a good bourbon or peach based liqueur. In fact, for years, my only email address was from Beer.com. Then they went nuts, targeted younger and younger readers and all their advertising went away and they went bankrupt. Yes, they were clearly sipping their wares.

Nevertheless in spite of, or perhaps due to, the above I’m very cognizant of the schizoid responses engendered by some people when the topic turns to alcohol. Never has it been more clear than the late, rarely lamented, Huey Long’s famous response when Louisiana was contemplating legalizing the sale of alcohol.

If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.

This is my position, and I will not compromise!

As you can see, there are mixed emotions on this topic.

Even so I feel safe in stating that alcohol, in the hands of the undisciplined, can cause dire effects. It can cause someone to release inhibitions that are better left locked away. Photocopying their butt at a Holiday party, having sex with the twins while their spouse is at home, suddenly thinking they know how to dance, all of these things have been related to alcohol.

But, thanks to MSNBC, we can add one more item to that list. Calling 911 to get laid.

A 42-year-old man has been arrested and charged with calling 911 to request a hooker, according to an arrest report obtained by the Lexington Dispatch.

Records show Lonnie Michael Felts called 911 three times on Sunday. The first time he called, he requested “a hooker and an escort to get boots,” the arrest report showed, according to the Dispatch.

After an officer warned Felts about misusing the system, he made two more calls, the newspaper reported.

On the third, “Felts called on 911 again for a non-emergency domestic escort,” the Dispatch reported.

According to the arrest report, Felts was under the influence of drugs, alcohol or both when the incident happened.

He’s been charged with accessing the 911 system for a purpose other than an emergency communication.

This is not what Jim Croce had in mind when he wrote “Operator.”

“911, what’s the nature of your emergency?”

“I’m horny.”

Yeah, I can see how that would go bad quickly.

But people aren’t the only ones going to jail for being drunk and stupid. The Daily Record (UK) reports that an owl in Germany was arrested after it was unable to pronounce Pforzheim correctly.

Police in Germany arrested an owl that got drunk on schnapps, according to German media.

Cops said on Tuesday they had discovered a paralytic owl that appeared to have drunk too much Schnapps from two discarded bottles.

“A woman walking her dog alerted the police after seeing the bird sitting by the side of the road oblivious to passing traffic,” Frank Otruba, spokesman for the police in the southwestern city of Pforzheim, told Spiegel Online.

The Brown Owl didn’t appear to be injured and officers quickly concluded that it had had one too many.

One of its eyelids was drooping, adding to the general impression of inebriation.

“It wasn’t staggering around and we didn’t breathalyze it but there were two little bottles of Schapps in the immediate vicinity,” said Otruba.

“We took it to a local bird expert who has treated alcoholised birds before and she has been giving it lots of water.”

The bird will be released once it has sobered up, police said.

Who knew that drunken flying birds was an issue so pervasive it requires a specialist? Or, at the very least, someone with aviary alcohol experience.

And how does one gather that experience? Long nights spent trying tequila mockingbird?

Sound it out, I haven’t got the time.

Clearly the use of alcohol by the obstreperous, whether human or not, needs to be more carefully monitored. In the meantime, I can offer some sound advice; drink alcohol regularly to build up your stamina and stay away from phones.

Anyone over the age of 12 has had a relationship go bad. One minute you’re buying flowers and picking a registry site, the next you’re wondering how a steak knife would look in the heart of the scum sucking parasite who’s ruining your life. It’s just the way nature works. It is how we deal with these minor inconveniences that set us apart from rutting animals.

For example, a civilized person will remove the mementos of the relationship and move on with a clean slate. The uncivilized person will hold a public bonfire for said mementos and place a curse on their ex.

Often, while alcohol will be involved, human sacrifice will only be implied.

A civilized person will keep the tawdry aspects of the breakup to themselves knowing that enumerating same would only reflect badly on them. An uncivilized person will start every Facebook post with TAT RAGNG SKANK I HP SHE DIE and other linguistically challenged exposés.

A side note here; as the nice and talented people at Throw’d TV point out, you might want to be careful with what you post on Facebook no matter what the status, pun intended, of your relationship.

In summation, civilized people put the past in the past and heed the warning signs in the future while uncivilized people end up on Jerry Springer.

I think you get the general idea.

While we’ve all heard stories about this legendary breakup or that memorable meltdown, it’s not often that a story like today’s comes to the fore. A man attempted to make an adult, self-pleasuring, device into a bomb. There is an unsubtle irony that it was reported by North Carolina’s Good Morning Show.

“Good morning honey, was it good for you too?”

A Waseca, Minnesota man is accused of planting an explosive device inside a sex toy intended for one of his ex-girlfriends.

Terry Allen Lester, 37, has been charged with felony counts of creating an explosive device and making terroristic threats.

Police say Lester packed the vibrator with gunpowder, BB’s and Buckshot. They say he told friends he planned to give the device to one of his three ex-girlfriends because their relationships had ended badly.

When one of the exes used it, Lester told friends he would pull the trigger and it would blow them up. The device was missing a key starting element, but police say it still could have exploded.

Police say Lester left a bag with the device in it at a friend’s apartment. Inside it was a box with other vibrators and a tag that said “Merry Christmas” along with a derogatory term for women.

Investigators say Lester’s friends looked inside that box, became frightened and called police.

You can insert 13 “looked inside the box” jokes here and then I’ve got to get back to this blog.

Got it out if your system now? Good.

What? You need a minute for all the “explosive orgasm” jokes? Okay, sure, I can give you that.

You’re back? All right then, let’s move on.

Why is it that news channels always use the middle name of a person when they want to make them sound even dumber than they already are? More importantly, why does it seem that Allen is second only to Wayne as the middle name of dumb criminals?

Do you really think this guy was wondering around the ice fishing hole demanding to be called by his full name?

Ah, who knows? With someone that vindictive, maybe.

“Mama done give it to me and I’ma gonna use it.”

Anyway, did he seriously think that the women in question would just open up a package with a Merry Christmas You (female dog) card on the outside and plug and play with the offering? I know that some women make bad social choices, but the thought of a young lady revving up an anonymous gift – one which would normally only be used in the most private of places – strikes me as unlikely.

It would seem to me that an item that intimate would require that the user have a pretty good idea of its origins.

Then again, as has been noted before, I’m not a woman.

Over the weekend I noticed that the Christmas shopping ads are still going strong on radio and television, especially car commercials.

The campaign that I’ll bet infiltrated your brain the most (much to either your delight or all-out annoyance) was the Hyundai Holidays spots that were simply everywhere.  They feature jazzed-up indie versions of “Jingle Bells”, “Up On The Housetop”, “O Come All Ye Faithful”, and “Deck The Halls” performed by a festively-dressed combo.  Surely you saw or heard them at least once:

So, who the hell are they?

The band is called Pomplamoose.

Now, before you write them off as a flash in the pan sensation, have a listen to some of their stuff.  The multi-instrumentalist indie duo consisting of Jack Conte and Nataly Dawn (real name Natalie Dawn Knutsen) come from the Bay Area of California, and formed just a couple of years ago.

Dawn moved from the West Coast to France at the age of ten, spent some time in Belgium and returned Stateside to study.  Conte’s pedigree comes from his musical family and cites the likes of Danny Elfman, Björk and Chopin as influences.  Both Dawn and Conte do plenty of work on their own outside of Pomplamoose, and it appears as if both can play just about any sort of instrument.

Their repertoire consists of one 8-song digital-only “album” called ‘Pomplamoose Video Songs’ released in 2009, a year-old small set enthusiastically entitled ‘3 New Songs, Woot!’ as well as ‘Tribute To Famous People’ which came out in March 2010.  The latter is what has helped put Pomplamoose on the map, illustrated by the inclusion of their take on The Chordettes 1954 hit “Mr. Sandman” on the Mad Men-styled Toyota Avalon commercial.  The collection features 10 covers spanning any era and style of music including showtunes (“My Favorite Things”), 80’s (“Beat It”), and contemporary pop (“Single Ladies” and “Telephone”).

But for me, the most interesting thing about Pomplamoose is how well they are forging a workable (and presumably profitable) business model for their music.  They are the perfect example of how long gone the days are of playing gigs, catching the ear of an A&R guy, getting signed, recording albums and going on tour and becoming rock stars.  It just doesn’t work that way anymore.  Musicians no longer only come up with brilliant songs, but they have to now be their own clever businesspeople, as well.

Pomplamoose’s first album is called ‘Video Songs’ because that is the term they use for how they capture and present their music.  Instead of making a traditional record, they make a video that essentially shows them playing the song.  What you’re hearing being played, is also what you’re seeing being played.  Just hop onto their Youtube channel and you’ll find all of it.

They’re considered “internet musicians” because everything they record is for online consumption, and they actually rarely play live gigs.

However, after this Christmas season they might need to reconsider their approach as I’m sure the demand for a tour will present itself.  But who knows, since Nataly still scoffs at the idea of making music a full-time endeavor.  They might just prefer to go on feeding us with new delights straight from their studio and never bother with the professional music rigmarole.

If you really loved the Hyundai commercials, their Christmas album that features all of those songs is available, but not for sale.  You get it if you donate a book to their local library, and this hilarious video has the duo themselves instructing you how to do so.  And interestingly enough, the Hyundai folks who converted the duo’s garage into a full-on production facility to shoot the spots, gave them full creative control and a final say in the finished pieces.  All other Pomplamoose music is available here, and as much fun as the covers are, you’ve got to check out their originals as well:

I know, I know, you’re reading the title of today’s blog and asking yourself “Well, gee, what could possibly go wrong?” The answer, my cynical friend, is ‘nothing.’

The North American Aerospace Defense Command, which is inexplicably given the acronym NORAD, coordinates the Canadian and American air-forces and nuclear weapons. They worked through the Cold War to keep North America safe from Soviet military threats. They provided our allies with a seriously powerful tool to help maintain peace. And if the Cold War was savagely lampooned in Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, it was still taken seriously by millions of people who built fallout shelters in their backyards, stocked up on foodstuffs and, essentially, prepared for the impending holocaust.

Obviously these men and women were under a lot of pressure. To help relieve that, in 1955, they began using the technology available to them to not only protect our borders but to track Santa and provide national news networks with updates that they could pass along to children of all ages.

As technology progressed, NORAD began putting their Santa Tracker online so that anyone in the world could follow along. It’s a great site for kids, so make sure to bookmark it.

Now Andrew Hough, of the Telegraph UK, reports this has become one of the most popular web sites in the world.

The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has employed all its hi-tech equipment to follow Father Christmas as he, and his reindeer, travel the globe delivering presents.

Since its development three years ago, the Norad Father Christmas Tracker has become an internet sensation with close to a two billion hits.

Children can track Father Christmas through social networking sites including Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Flickr, and TroopTube.

His progress can also be tracked with three dimensional “Father Christmas Cams”. Google will use its mapping service to give up-to-the-date analysis on where he is. This year will include streaming video of his journey for the first time.

“There are a lot of people who follow this in different ways,” said Lt. Desmond James, a public affairs officer with NORAD, which is also responsible for defending the US and Canada from incoming nuclear missiles.

Staff answer almost 100,000 phone calls and receive more than 140,000 emails from families around the world.

Father Christmas started his journey at 0900 GMT from his base at the North Pole. According to NORAD, Father Christmas usually starts at the International Date Line in the Pacific Ocean and travels west.

He generally visits the South Pacific first, then New Zealand and Australia, before heading to Japan, the rest of Asia, Africa, Western Europe, Canada, the United States, Mexico before finishing in Central and South America.

“But keep in mind, Santa’s route can be affected by weather, so it’s really unpredictable,” a NORAD spokesman said.

“NORAD coordinates with Santa’s Elf launch staff to confirm his launch time, but from that point on, Father Christmas calls the shots. We just track him.”

Norad claim they employ radar and satellites to track the infrared signal given off by Rudolph’s nose.

“NORAD tracks Father Christmas, but only Father Christmas knows his route, which means we cannot predict where and when he will arrive at your house,” he said.

“We do, however, know from history that it appears he arrives only when children are asleep.

“In most countries, it seems Father Christmas arrives between 9:00pm and midnight on December 24th. If children are still awake when Father Christmas arrives, he moves on to other houses. He returns later … but only when the children are asleep.”

The tradition dates back to 1955 when a Colorado Springs store ran an advertisement encouraging local children to call a special telephone hot line.

A printing error meant that the phone number for the Director of Operations at Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) was published instead, leading to the centre being inundated by calls from excited youngsters.

The head of the CONAD, which later became NORAD, instructed his staff to give the children updates on Santa’s position and the tradition was born.

They now offer the service to children around the world via a google earth map, providing the information in seven languages including English, Spanish and Chinese.

Col. John Bartholf, a commander with the New York Air National Guardsmen from the Eastern Air Defense Sector (EADS) added: “I can assure everyone that EADS will do everything in its power to assist Father Christmas with this critical mission.”

EADS’ Sector Operations Control Center (SOCC) will monitor Father Christmas constantly as he delivers toys and gifts.

What’s that? Your laughing at all this? You don’t believe in Santa Claus? You think this is all just a giant waste of resources?

You’re a doofus.

No less venerable a source than the 1897 New York Sun let it’s most veteran newsman, Francis Pharcellus Church, respond to one of the most famous letters in the history of journalism.

“DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.”

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

So there, take that!

On behalf of Father Christmas and myself, have a Safe and Happy Holiday.

Laura Lodewyck hits the streets to cover the Chicagoland Toys for Tots Motorcycle Parade!

This event started off with just 6 bikers, back in 1978.  Today, thousands of motorcyclists show up in support to join forces with the United States Marines, to assist their: Toys for Tots program.

The mission of the U. S. Marine Corps Reserve Toys for Tots Program is to collect new, unwrapped toys during October, November and December each year, and distribute those toys as Christmas gifts to needy children in the community in which the campaign is conducted.