Ah youth. Those halcyon days of yore when you could rip your clothes off in public and people would neither laugh nor flee in terror. I miss those days. And nights. And sunrises and sunsets and ….. never mind, you get the idea. Simply put, those days are behind me now. Even so, while the body may have faded the memories haven’t. Thus it is with a certain whimsical joy that I opened the results of my robot search engine this morning to discover that sex was the theme of the day. Somehow Florida has managed not to have another daily contestant for the world’s stupidest criminal and our impending robot overlords seem to have taken the day off too. It’s just as well, I was looking for something different to write about anyway. Like all of the apocalypses we’ve endured, you can only take so much of a good thing.
Plus Monday’s tax day so folks are going to have a lot of important stuff on their minds.
“Whoa there, Uncle Big Bad,” you whimper, “your two opening themes are sex and taxes, how are you going to tie them together?”
An excellent question, with an excellent choice of words. David Moye reports that you can now have your taxes prepared by a dominatrix.
Just in case you’re not in enough pain writing the check.
(A psychic) has managed to build a successful career providing something extra for her clients, while other tax experts find different ways to stick out in a crowded field, such as Lori A. St. Kitts, a Seattle woman who caters to clients in the sex industry.
She calls herself “Lori the Tax Domme” and for the past 11 tax seasons has helped keep adult entertainers such as phone sex workers, dominatrices and strippers from losing their pasties to the IRS.
“I fell into the specialty,” she told AOL News. “I was already operating my own small seasonal tax business with a clientele that were mainly in the arts and entertainment industry.”
After being laid off of work, St. Kitts began working as a phone sex operator and, as she became part of that industry, started answering tax and business questions.
“Before I knew it, people were e-mailing me, asking me to prepare their returns as they could not find a preparer with whom they felt comfortable or who understood the workings of the adult industry.”
St. Kitts says the main challenge for her kinky clients is tax compliance.
“Most [sex workers] want to comply and pay their taxes, but the shame and stigma that society puts on them — the same society that requests their services — makes it difficult for them to easily come out to a tax preparer,” she said. “This is precisely why I began working in this specialty. They often try to prepare their own taxes and miss valuable deductions and credits of which they well deserve.”
What kind of deductions?
Well, according to the Tax Domme, phone sex workers can deduct things like whoopee cushions, which can be used to make realistic sex noises; lollipops — especially those that spin (they soothe the throat and are good for sucking noises and throat soothing); and yogurt, which she says makes a lovely “squishy” noise.
“Of course,” she added, “it has to be proven that these items are used in the course of the business only, such as on camera, in business photos and on the phone. Therefore, it is important to only include the exact amount of, say, yogurt that was used for work.”
On the other hand, dancers and on-camera performers can deduct the cost of breast implants, but only if they meet a certain standard.
“Anything larger than 800 cc of silicone is considered a ‘working breast’ — much too large for everyday wear,” St. Kitts said. “Anything smaller would probably fall under what is referred to as the ‘housewife rule,’ as they would be everyday boobs.”
Meanwhile, dominatrices who work in cities where dungeons and torture chambers are legal businesses can deduct things such as handcuffs, whips, chains, chastity belts and their racks.
Considering her client base, you might think St. Kitts has done it all. Well, no, she hasn’t.
“I haven’t been audited yet,” she said. “However, I do prepare every return as if it were my own.”
That doesn’t mean the IRS isn’t aware of what she does and who she does it for.
“I like to speak freely about the adult business to the IRS when I attend the yearly Las Vegas IRS Forum,” she said. “It’s fun to be the voice of the [sex] industry and share their comments and concerns as well as my own.”
She always enjoys the reactions she gets from the agents.
“I do receive many tilted eyebrows accompanied by a smile and have detected a slight blush now and again,” she said.
How would you like to be the IRS agent who has to audit a dominatrix?
“You’re disallowing my handcuff and whip credits? Get down on your knees and beg for my mercies!”
Yeah, I can see that going horribly wrong terribly fast.
While talking about sex, taxes and dominatrices can get one hot, again there’s sometimes too much of a good thing. David Lohr is reporting that a man appears to have spontaneously combusted while watching porn in a San Francisco adult book store. Naturally, there’s a local minister who claims this was an act of God.
I’ve never understood that mentality. Last I checked, in God’s book of important stuff you should know, His first chapter points out that He wanted everyone to be naked and happy. It would seem to me that this poor, flaming, sod was just trying to take a step – albeit a clumsy one – in the right direction.
Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!