Search Results for: overlord

Ah youth. Those halcyon days of yore when you could rip your clothes off in public and people would neither laugh nor flee in terror. I miss those days. And nights. And sunrises and sunsets and ….. never mind, you get the idea. Simply put, those days are behind me now. Even so, while the body may have faded the memories haven’t. Thus it is with a certain whimsical joy that I opened the results of my robot search engine this morning to discover that sex was the theme of the day. Somehow Florida has managed not to have another daily contestant for the world’s stupidest criminal and our impending robot overlords seem to have taken the day off too. It’s just as well, I was looking for something different to write about anyway. Like all of the apocalypses we’ve endured, you can only take so much of a good thing.

Plus Monday’s tax day so folks are going to have a lot of important stuff on their minds.

“Whoa there, Uncle Big Bad,” you whimper, “your two opening themes are sex and taxes, how are you going to tie them together?”

An excellent question, with an excellent choice of words. David Moye reports that you can now have your taxes prepared by a dominatrix.

Just in case you’re not in enough pain writing the check.

(A psychic) has managed to build a successful career providing something extra for her clients, while other tax experts find different ways to stick out in a crowded field, such as Lori A. St. Kitts, a Seattle woman who caters to clients in the sex industry.

She calls herself “Lori the Tax Domme” and for the past 11 tax seasons has helped keep adult entertainers such as phone sex workers, dominatrices and strippers from losing their pasties to the IRS.

“I fell into the specialty,” she told AOL News. “I was already operating my own small seasonal tax business with a clientele that were mainly in the arts and entertainment industry.”

After being laid off of work, St. Kitts began working as a phone sex operator and, as she became part of that industry, started answering tax and business questions.

“Before I knew it, people were e-mailing me, asking me to prepare their returns as they could not find a preparer with whom they felt comfortable or who understood the workings of the adult industry.”

St. Kitts says the main challenge for her kinky clients is tax compliance.

“Most [sex workers] want to comply and pay their taxes, but the shame and stigma that society puts on them — the same society that requests their services — makes it difficult for them to easily come out to a tax preparer,” she said. “This is precisely why I began working in this specialty. They often try to prepare their own taxes and miss valuable deductions and credits of which they well deserve.”

What kind of deductions?

Well, according to the Tax Domme, phone sex workers can deduct things like whoopee cushions, which can be used to make realistic sex noises; lollipops — especially those that spin (they soothe the throat and are good for sucking noises and throat soothing); and yogurt, which she says makes a lovely “squishy” noise.

“Of course,” she added, “it has to be proven that these items are used in the course of the business only, such as on camera, in business photos and on the phone. Therefore, it is important to only include the exact amount of, say, yogurt that was used for work.”

On the other hand, dancers and on-camera performers can deduct the cost of breast implants, but only if they meet a certain standard.

“Anything larger than 800 cc of silicone is considered a ‘working breast’ — much too large for everyday wear,” St. Kitts said. “Anything smaller would probably fall under what is referred to as the ‘housewife rule,’ as they would be everyday boobs.”

Meanwhile, dominatrices who work in cities where dungeons and torture chambers are legal businesses can deduct things such as handcuffs, whips, chains, chastity belts and their racks.

Considering her client base, you might think St. Kitts has done it all. Well, no, she hasn’t.

“I haven’t been audited yet,” she said. “However, I do prepare every return as if it were my own.”

That doesn’t mean the IRS isn’t aware of what she does and who she does it for.

“I like to speak freely about the adult business to the IRS when I attend the yearly Las Vegas IRS Forum,” she said. “It’s fun to be the voice of the [sex] industry and share their comments and concerns as well as my own.”

She always enjoys the reactions she gets from the agents.

“I do receive many tilted eyebrows accompanied by a smile and have detected a slight blush now and again,” she said.

How would you like to be the IRS agent who has to audit a dominatrix?

“You’re disallowing my handcuff and whip credits? Get down on your knees and beg for my mercies!”

Yeah, I can see that going horribly wrong terribly fast.

While talking about sex, taxes and dominatrices can get one hot, again there’s sometimes too much of a good thing. David Lohr is reporting that a man appears to have spontaneously combusted while watching porn in a San Francisco adult book store. Naturally, there’s a local minister who claims this was an act of God.

I’ve never understood that mentality. Last I checked, in God’s book of important stuff you should know, His first chapter points out that He wanted everyone to be naked and happy. It would seem to me that this poor, flaming, sod was just trying to take a step – albeit a clumsy one – in the right direction.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

I sometimes wonder why I even bother. I rant and rave about the brewing death of humanity at the hands of its impending robot overlords and how our children can be replaced by mechanical equivalents. What thanks do I get in return? A big flipping finger in my face. Are people out looking for ways to better themselves and remove the, ever tightening, technological yoke? Of course not. They’re out taking really bad pictures of imaginary lake creatures and dialing their psychic friend network to find out how they’re supposed to behave today.

But, as if that’s not bad enough, residents of Detroit are now going to build a statue to a robot. I guess they’re tying to get ahead of the curve.

“Oh look, glorious robot overlords, we love you! Please don’t hurt us, wonderful robot overlords! We’ll do anything you want. See the nice statue we built? We can build you more nice statues!”

That’s the spirit.

Get right down on your knees and start polishing those knobs … and dials.

As Rueters reports, RoboCop is being honored with his own metal simulacrum.

Plans for a statue honoring RoboCop, the half-man, half-machine crimefighter of the 1987 movie, are moving ahead after a group of artists and entrepreneurs in Detroit, Michigan raised more than $50,000 via Facebook and an online fund-raising site.

“It hit a sweet spot. It’s a fun and funny idea to build a statue of RoboCop,” said Jeff Paffendorf, who helped lead the project inspired by a whimsical suggestion sent to Detroit Mayor Dave Bing via Twitter last week.

Bing tweeted back at the time that there were no plans for a RoboCop statue, an off-hand remark that bounced around the Internet and generated calls for him to reconsider.

“There’s violence in ‘RoboCop,’ but through the film RoboCop tries to do the right thing,” Paffendorf said.

Bing’s office is still not convinced, but a spokeswoman said the city is studying how it could accept and display a gift RoboCop statue.

“We know there are a lot of people that care deeply about the issue, and we respect that,” said Karen Dumas of Bing’s office. “But I’m still not sure that RoboCop is the best message for the city of Detroit.”

Paffendorf said the RoboCop statue could go somewhere downtown if the city approves, perhaps near the landmark fist statue honoring legendary boxer Joe Louis.

But if Detroit will not allow RoboCop on city-owned land, a nonprofit arts group plans to display the statue, he said.

Paffendorf said a sculptor and a metal artist have been chosen to complete the job.

At this rate there’ll soon be a statue in D.C. dedicated to Gort.

Jimminy Crickets people, have you no shame?

Apparently not. As is being reported in NCBuy, Chinese restaurants no longer need Chinese people to make Chinese food. They’ve outsourced their jobs to robots.

Move over all the renowned chefs in the world–robotic chefs are here to serve you better. China may not have a dearth of quality chefs, but that has not stopped the inventors in the country from building robots that can cook gastronomic delights.

A fast-food restaurant, Wishdoing, located on Shanghai’s upmarket Nanjing Road has recently acquired two robots that can cook Chinese delicacies. Among the popular oriental dishes the robots can serve are spicy diced chicken with peanuts, Kung Pao chicken and Mapo Tofu (bean curd with chilli sauce).

“All one needs to do is press the button on the robots to choose a dish and they will display the name of the ingredients and their quantities,” a restaurant release said.

Appearance-wise they might not even come close to human beings–they are more like massive kitchen surfaces equipped with iron pots–but they are workaholics nonetheless. The robots only take three minutes to wash the pots from a previous order, mix the ingredients, finish the cooking and then place the food onto a plate for serving.

With a price tag of $30,350 per robot, they are not exactly cheap, but the fast-food chain has plans to install them at all its 100-out outlets across the country. The parent company of the fast-food chain, Shanghai Qi Ding Food Development Co., said in a statement that, “We believe the cooking robots will become a trend in the future for the fast-food industry as they guarantee low-carbon emission, food safety and standard tastes that don’t change from one outlet to another.”

And, of course, the company doesn’t have to pay them either. The company, however, doesn’t plan to layoff its kitchen staff.

Why should they let the staff go? The robots will still need someone to clean and maintain their gears until they learn to be completely self sufficient.

Obviously no one in China has ever seen To Serve Man.

IT’S A COOK BOOK PEOPLE!!!!!

Okay, maybe I’m overreacting a tad. After all, they’ll need to keep some of us alive to entertain them.

Right?

It’s been a while since I’ve able to point out that Asians are clinically insane. While they tend to keep themselves apart for the rest of the world, I would be remiss if I didn’t begin by mentioning that Kim Jong-Il’s fun loving North Koreans have developed an appetite for porn, skinny jeans and human excrement. While I can certainly understand the first two, the third threw me for a loop. It seems that it’s the preferred fertilizer there. That, immediately, opens up a whole series of questions that I feel are best left unanswered. North Korea’s main political ally, China, is also nuts but in a way many American men will appreciate. They like to line hot women up against a wall and have random nerds remove their bras. Think Beauty and the Geek with exposed cleavage. When I was a younger Big Bad I could remove a bra with my teeth in under 20 seconds. It was a skill that had many perks. And since the Chinese seem to be passing this off as a fun, yet educational, endeavor, I’m thinking that a Nude Hippo road trip to Beijing is in order.

The other China, officially known as Taiwan, is not to be outdone in the ‘whimsical exploitation of women’ department. They have seven young girls, dressed in scanty bunny outfits, who provide the daily weather forecast. One for each day. Well, they don’t actually forecast the weather. Instead they paw at giant carrots, make cooing noises, tell you how much they love you and want to be a part of your life while temperatures around the world are displayed behind them. The good news is that temps are displayed in both Celsius and Fahrenheit, so you can learn how to do the conversions easily. If you actually notice them, that is.

I’m thinking that a variation of this could really spice up the Nude Hippo Show on NBC 5.2. Let’s face it, Ashley Lobo + Bunny Suit = Who cares what the freaking weather is?

I smell another Emmy!

Traveling a little north to our target country today lands us in Japan. Yes the same country that is trying to blend biology and technology, to better prepare us for life under our robot overlords, now has a web site dedicated to hot woman who are used as human clocks. I’m not sure what the point of it all is, but who really cares.

They’re just trying to make us happy.

However, today, I think they’ve gone a touch too far in their search to make everyone happy. MDeeDubroff reports that the Japanese are now using Electro-Shock therapy to make kids smile.

I know nothing makes me happier than a few hundred volts shot into my jaw. How about you?

The Japanese are renowned for their most unusual innovations in almost every aspect of life and culture. Perhaps, however, one Japanese inventor has gone a bit too far with his electronic smile enhancer.

A very clever inventor has come up with a way (albeit bordering on barbaric) to force even the most stubborn among your children to “put on a happy face” whenever they are visiting relatives they would otherwise choose to avoid.

Now traveling over river and through the woods to grandmother’s house can be transformed from a mostly pleasant childhood experience into a true tale of terror for that child who doesn’t want to visit and feels like doing a million other things, none of which include smiling.

The electronic smile enhancer hooks onto your child’s ears in the same manner as a pair of glasses, and another part fits snugly under the chin. It is this chin portion that is the culprit when it comes to smiling, for it sends a constant pulse of electricity through your child’s cheeks.

The highest setting is reserved for those who dare to defy the machine, as it will impel even the most stubborn child to smile. Although the gesture is generated by the sudden jolt of electricity in the jaw muscles, due to the fact that such shock excites the entire body, the smile appears realistic.

Side effects (at least so far) have been a slight twitching of the child’s heads during class or sleeping. Some say it is worth it to give Granny her due love and respect, even if it is generated by electricity and not sentiment.

Perhaps the ghost of Benjamin Franklin would simply cringe at this modern use of electricity?

Whatever be the case, the one thing I cannot imagine anyone doing after learning about this is…to smile.

The impending and permanent brain damage is just a bonus. Think of it this way, once you’ve turned your child’s brain into a steaming pile of electro-jelly, they’ll be smiling all the time. Just like the happy people in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Happy happy joy joy, indeed.

Happy Happy Joy Joy @ Yahoo! Video

It has been noted before that Asian scientists have far too much free time. From the Chinese invention of beer serving robots to the mutant goddess baby in India, you just get the feeling that they’re not concentrating on the important stuff. Solving world hunger? Boring. Finding the 96% of the universe that’s missing? Leave that to grad students. Confirming that the WOW! Signal was really broadcast by an intelligent species of aliens? Puh-leez, we’re busy over here.

And just what are our Asian scientists so busy doing?

Creating, genetically altered, singing mice.

As Weird Asian News reports, a lot of Japanese tax payer’s money went into this and they’ve only just begun.

If only Walt Disney were alive to see this.

Researchers at the University of Osaka in Japan have created a genetically engineered mouse that features the remarkable ability to tweet and sing like a bird. Arikuni Uchimura, head researcher of the “Evolved Mouse Project,” which involves the use of genetically modified mice to aid in mutation and evolution.

According to Uchimira, “Mutations are the driving force of evolution. We have cross-bred the genetically modified mice for generations to see what would happen.”

The singing mouse, although a fluke, has resulted in the creation of more than one hundred other singing mice to be used in further research. Other characteristics the researchers have found include short limbs and a long tail “like a dachshund.”

While Uchimura would love to one day make a “Mickey Mouse,” the goal of this project, which operated out of a laboratory directed by professor Takeshi Yagi at the Osaka University’s Graduate School of Frontier Biosciences in western Japan, is to provide a greater understanding of the evolution of language.

Using birds, which emit a variety of sounds that are strung together to form a song that operates much like language, as a basis, Uchimura suggested that the “chirping” made by the mutated mice “may be some sort of expressions of their emotions or bodily conditions.” The mice are preferred study subjects over birds due to being mammals and having brain structures and other biological similarities to humans.

Beyond this, the team of researchers also discovered that some normal mice, when raised alongside the mutant offspring of Fievel from “An American Tale,” will emit “fewer ultrasounds” than other normal mice, which might imply a spread of communication methods.

It’s only a matter of time before the streets are overrun with mice singing “There Are No Cats in America,” heralding the creation of genetically engineered cats to dispose of them.

I know, I know, you want to hear the mouse sing. Okay, click here to watch the video.

Yeah, it sounds like a cross between a demented squirrel and an overwrought canary. But, with primordial speech out of the way, how long do you think it’ll be until we see one of those lovable rodents pop up on its hind legs and say “Fetch me a beer and take me to your robot overlords.”?

Ever since the first uni-cellular organisms decided to up the ante by going all multi-cellular on their homies, evolution has looked for ways to make things bigger, faster, stronger, smarter or whatever else is needed to ensure survival. It took a while but, eventually, mankind via Charles Darwin finally figured it all out. With that out of the way humans began pushing themselves to heretofore unknown heights to show what they were capable of.

Yes, I know I finished a sentence with a preposition, just live with it. You have bigger things to worry about.

In keeping with the grand tradition of the best humanity has to offer, in 1954 the Guinness Beer company compiled a list of world records to settle bar bets. They had no idea what version of Pandora’s Box they’d opened. By 2004 the book had become the best selling copyrighted tome in history with over 100,000,000 copies in print. That’s a lot of bar bets.

It also lead to a lot of people, probably inspired by beer as well, to read of these accomplishments and say “Hey! I bet I could do that!” In fact so many people said it that the Guinness people were forced to set aside a day to record all of the attempts. Michael Inbar of MSNBC tried to keep track of the planet spanning event as best he could.

(A)mong the people seeking to enter Guinness’ hallowed pages were TODAY’s own Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford, who put on their best game faces Thursday in an attempt to break a who-knew-it-existed record: the most M&Ms candies eaten with chopsticks in one minute.

Competing live on air, the co-anchors showed they were up to the challenge; Hoda in particular proved adept by employing a scoop rather than pinch method of hoisting the M&Ms to her mouth. Alas, they fell short; while Kotb downed 19 candies and Gifford 14, neither came close to the world record of 43 eaten in a minute.

A slightly more serious challenge was undertaken by James Roumeliotis, who appeared on TODAY hoping to break the world record for most jumps on a pogo stick in one minute. Roumeliotis, a staunch competitor who once spent 20 hours on a pogo stick trying to gain entry into Guinness immortality, pogoed feverishly and seemed to be within jumping distance of the record for 238 bounces in a minute. But Claxton told Kotb and Gifford he would have to review a tape of Roumeliotis’s attempt before he could make a decision (the results are still pending).

For many, it’s the offbeat that draws them to Guinness’ pages. While its myriad entries include such standard fare as most home runs hit in professional baseball (Sadaharu Oh, 868) and longest distance run in one hour (Arturo Barrios, 13.1 miles), what really grabs the attention are such quirky records as the man with the hairiest face in the world, or the person with the most toes on one foot.

Guinness knows those oddities heighten interest, and on Worlds Records Day, trotted out the World’s Tallest Married Couple at its Guinness World Records Museum in Hollywood. Stockton, Cal., couple Wayne and Laurie Halliquist posed for the cameras: all 13 feet, 4 inches of them.

Then there’s the above-mentioned Furman. The Queens, N.Y., man may hold the most prestigious record of them all: most records in the Guinness book. The 56-year-old has set 312 records, 120 which still stand, and become a favorite of the Guinness folks, who flew him to England to show off his attempt to walk the 11 yards in heavy, heavy shoes.

And the feeling is mutual: Furman’s love affair with Guinness World Records began at age 10, and drives him to continue adding to his record number of titles. “I remember carrying it around and reading it under the covers at night,” he told the Wall Street Journal.

From jumping rope to hopping on pogo sticks, walking in heavy shoes to dressing up dogs, some 300,000 people around the world are expected to attempt record-breaking stunts on the sixth annual Guinness World Records Day.

While Furman said he learned early on he didn’t possess the physical prowess that would make him a world-class competitor in the conventional manner, finding new Guinness records to break has become a lifelong passion. Alistair Richards, managing director of Guinness World Records, said the publishers hold Furman, who has done everything from somersaulting continuously for 12 miles to clapping 50 hours straight, in the highest regard.

“He’s living and breathing what Guinness is all about,” Richards told the Wall Street Journal. “He lives by a philosophy that nothing is impossible.”

Good to see that Kathy Lee Gifford has been keeping herself busy. I know you were worried.

Left out of the article was the fact that France tried to set the record for the most ugly people doing the Can Can. It wasn’t until after viewing the video that I realized they must have opened a WalMart in Paris. It’s the only explanation.

Nevertheless, it’s heartening to note that all the struggles of our ancestors have lead us to such prodigious heights. With such a stunning display of man’s abilities I may have been wrong yesterday to worry about our impending slavery at the hands of our Robot Overlords.

Then again, maybe not.