Search Results for: boobs

Ah youth. Those halcyon days of yore when you could rip your clothes off in public and people would neither laugh nor flee in terror. I miss those days. And nights. And sunrises and sunsets and ….. never mind, you get the idea. Simply put, those days are behind me now. Even so, while the body may have faded the memories haven’t. Thus it is with a certain whimsical joy that I opened the results of my robot search engine this morning to discover that sex was the theme of the day. Somehow Florida has managed not to have another daily contestant for the world’s stupidest criminal and our impending robot overlords seem to have taken the day off too. It’s just as well, I was looking for something different to write about anyway. Like all of the apocalypses we’ve endured, you can only take so much of a good thing.

Plus Monday’s tax day so folks are going to have a lot of important stuff on their minds.

“Whoa there, Uncle Big Bad,” you whimper, “your two opening themes are sex and taxes, how are you going to tie them together?”

An excellent question, with an excellent choice of words. David Moye reports that you can now have your taxes prepared by a dominatrix.

Just in case you’re not in enough pain writing the check.

(A psychic) has managed to build a successful career providing something extra for her clients, while other tax experts find different ways to stick out in a crowded field, such as Lori A. St. Kitts, a Seattle woman who caters to clients in the sex industry.

She calls herself “Lori the Tax Domme” and for the past 11 tax seasons has helped keep adult entertainers such as phone sex workers, dominatrices and strippers from losing their pasties to the IRS.

“I fell into the specialty,” she told AOL News. “I was already operating my own small seasonal tax business with a clientele that were mainly in the arts and entertainment industry.”

After being laid off of work, St. Kitts began working as a phone sex operator and, as she became part of that industry, started answering tax and business questions.

“Before I knew it, people were e-mailing me, asking me to prepare their returns as they could not find a preparer with whom they felt comfortable or who understood the workings of the adult industry.”

St. Kitts says the main challenge for her kinky clients is tax compliance.

“Most [sex workers] want to comply and pay their taxes, but the shame and stigma that society puts on them — the same society that requests their services — makes it difficult for them to easily come out to a tax preparer,” she said. “This is precisely why I began working in this specialty. They often try to prepare their own taxes and miss valuable deductions and credits of which they well deserve.”

What kind of deductions?

Well, according to the Tax Domme, phone sex workers can deduct things like whoopee cushions, which can be used to make realistic sex noises; lollipops — especially those that spin (they soothe the throat and are good for sucking noises and throat soothing); and yogurt, which she says makes a lovely “squishy” noise.

“Of course,” she added, “it has to be proven that these items are used in the course of the business only, such as on camera, in business photos and on the phone. Therefore, it is important to only include the exact amount of, say, yogurt that was used for work.”

On the other hand, dancers and on-camera performers can deduct the cost of breast implants, but only if they meet a certain standard.

“Anything larger than 800 cc of silicone is considered a ‘working breast’ — much too large for everyday wear,” St. Kitts said. “Anything smaller would probably fall under what is referred to as the ‘housewife rule,’ as they would be everyday boobs.”

Meanwhile, dominatrices who work in cities where dungeons and torture chambers are legal businesses can deduct things such as handcuffs, whips, chains, chastity belts and their racks.

Considering her client base, you might think St. Kitts has done it all. Well, no, she hasn’t.

“I haven’t been audited yet,” she said. “However, I do prepare every return as if it were my own.”

That doesn’t mean the IRS isn’t aware of what she does and who she does it for.

“I like to speak freely about the adult business to the IRS when I attend the yearly Las Vegas IRS Forum,” she said. “It’s fun to be the voice of the [sex] industry and share their comments and concerns as well as my own.”

She always enjoys the reactions she gets from the agents.

“I do receive many tilted eyebrows accompanied by a smile and have detected a slight blush now and again,” she said.

How would you like to be the IRS agent who has to audit a dominatrix?

“You’re disallowing my handcuff and whip credits? Get down on your knees and beg for my mercies!”

Yeah, I can see that going horribly wrong terribly fast.

While talking about sex, taxes and dominatrices can get one hot, again there’s sometimes too much of a good thing. David Lohr is reporting that a man appears to have spontaneously combusted while watching porn in a San Francisco adult book store. Naturally, there’s a local minister who claims this was an act of God.

I’ve never understood that mentality. Last I checked, in God’s book of important stuff you should know, His first chapter points out that He wanted everyone to be naked and happy. It would seem to me that this poor, flaming, sod was just trying to take a step – albeit a clumsy one – in the right direction.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

The next person who comes to me for fashion advice will be the first. I tended to follow the advice of the legendary Judith Darnell; “Wear only black, have only silver jewelery. That way you can get dressed in the dark and still match.” Sadly giant men wearing all black, and usually dark sunglasses, tend to put people off their feed. So I have learned to utilize some color options. Not many, but enough that random strangers no longer ask me how much I’d charge to put a hit on their spouse or business partner. Sometimes both.

That being said, I still find that I have a keen eye for beauty. I have nice, small, art collection and several little things that cleanly reflect my personal tastes and still manage to engage people who visit. In other words, you may never feel the need to emulate me, but you wouldn’t do too bad if you borrowed some of my aesthetics.

But, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the judges of the Ms. San Antonio beauty contest have stripped the recent winner of her crown for no longer being acceptable to their perceptions. As Michael McGlaughlin reports, they don’t want her, you can have her, she’s too fat for them.

A size-2 former San Antonio beauty queen is fighting in court to get her tiara back after claiming that pageant officials harassed her for packing on the pounds.

Dethroned Miss San Antonio Domonique Ramirez, 17, claimed pageant organizers told her to “get off the tacos” because the beauty no longer looked good in a bikini, The Associated Press reported.

Linda Woods, president of the Miss Bexar County organization, which runs the San Antonio competition, said that a recent bikini photo of Ramirez yielded “unusable” pictures and couldn’t be airbrushed, because the stunning teenager gained too much weight.

But that’s not why she stripped the Miss San Antonio 2001 sash from the 5-foot-8, 129-pound brunette in January, Woods said.

“Domonique is not fat by any stretch of the imagination,” Woods said. “She’s a beautiful girl.”

Instead, pageant officials handed the title — and the right to compete for Miss Texas and possibly Miss America — to runner-up Ashley Dixon because Ramirez didn’t fulfill the responsibilities of the gig.

Woods’ predecessor, Glynda Coyle, said that she discussed weight gain with Ramirez only once.

“The only thing I suggested to her is that she might want to try to lose an inch in her hip,” Coyle said. “But because she is who she is, I said we can pad the top part to make you more symmetrical.”

That last sentence is is beauty model speak for “You’ve got no boobs and your butt’s too big.”

But her trauma pales by comparison to the fashionable young gent who was forced by his evil employers to ….. dear God, it pains me to even think it, let alone say it ….. yes, you guessed it, he was forced to go to New Jersey.

AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Susannah Griffee has all the gory details of the man’s lawsuit.

Of course he sued. Wouldn’t you?

A top manager for design house Elie Tahari is demanding $2 million for “anguish” and “depression” he says was caused by driving to sadly unstylish New Jersey on a weekly basis.

Thomas Horodecki, who works as a manager for Tahari’s Saks Fifth Avenue shop, alleges that his supervisor, Sagit Halperin, forced him to travel to New Jersey at least once a week as part of his assignment to coordinate six retailers there.

“It was depressing driving to Jersey,” Horodecki told the New York Post. “New York City has everything when it comes to fashion, especially Saks. And when it comes to styling, let’s just say Jersey is difficult. Fashion it is not!”

Horodecki alleges in an arbitration claim filed Wednesday that Elie Tahari Ltd. and Sagit Halperin violated his rights under the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the New York State Human Rights Law, the New York City Human Rights Law, the Fair Labor Standards Act and New York State Labor Law.

The claim says Halperin, who is Jewish and of Israeli descent, of promoting employees of her same national origin and discriminating against Horodecki, who is a Christian of Polish descent.

The claim also says Halperin vacationed with the staffers in Israel and socialized with them after work. Horodecki was not invited to those gatherings.

According to the claim, Halperin ordered Horodecki to travel to New Jersey stores, submit pictures of the stores, and create detailed floor plans for each store.

Horodecki said he was going crazy and had a breakdown.

Horodecki’s attorneys, Michael Borrelli and Alexander Coleman, said “no one should be treated the way he has been treated. It is outrageous to discriminate against employees in any way on the basis of their background.”

Todd Girshon, attorney for Tahari, declined to comment.

“We regret the comments Mr. Hordecki chose to make about New Jersey, which do not reflect the views of our company,” said Tahari VP Scott Currie. “We are confident that the upcoming arbitration will find all of Mr. Hordecki’s claims to be totally baseless and without merit.”

Note that they “regret” the comments he made about New Jersey but don’t dispute them.

Somehow, reading Mr. Hordecki’s comments, I get the distinct impression that he’d be right at home in the Liberace Museum or, for those special sunny days, on the beach at Fire Island. As my grandpa used to say, “He doesn’t have a spring in his step, he’s just light in the loafers.”

Sadly, his revulsion at Snooki-Ville overshadows the legitimate complaints in his suit. However, I’m sure that all the lawyers will sit down and work this out amicably. I also believe in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus ….

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

A long time ago in a land far, far away …. well, okay, a couple of months ago in Chicago, I wrote how the most effective form of protest involved getting naked women to support your cause. Finally something that testosterone fueled Neanderthals and female coffee house singers can agree on. It appears that fine tradition still has legs, if you’ll pardon the misplaced analogy, and is alive and well in Eastern Europe. As Matthew Hall reports, the FEMEN organization is really ticked about a new radio promotion in the Ukraine.

Actually, I may bare my hairy nips in support here. “Win a Wife” on the radio? Has civilization fallen that far?

Don’t answer that.

A feminist group in Ukraine has protested a radio station competition to “win a wife” in the most eye-catching way possible — by removing clothes.

The Femen Movement is angered by a contest organized by a New Zealand radio station that offered a listener the opportunity to travel to Ukraine and meet women.

Nine women protested in wintry Kiev by going topless and holding aloft banners that claimed “Ukraine is not a brothel” and “Welcome to hell.”

“Femen warns the lucky winner of the New Zealand competition that he can expect an unhappy ending in Ukraine,” activist Olexandra Shevchenko wrote on the group’s blog about the naked demonstration.

“Ukraine is not a brothel and Ukrainian women are not prostitutes.”

Established in 2008 by university students to object to the proliferation of sex tourism in their country, Femen has expanded its protest folio to include broader issues linked to women’s rights.

“Our weapons are bare breasts” is one of the movement’s protest chants.

Ballistic breast bombs? It sounds kind of Monty Python-esque. It will all become clear about a minute into the link.

However, as any baby can tell you, breasts only have one true function.

Ice cream.

As David Moye reports, it’s also good for starting lawsuits for tasteless people. Unless you’re the kind of moron who’d feed their kid a concoction called Baby Gaga.

Lady Gaga knows how to milk publicity, but she’s not keen on others doing the same.

At least when it’s used to sell ice cream made from human breast milk.

Capital FM reports that Gaga is suing the Icecreamists, a London ice cream parlor that recently introduced “Baby Gaga,” an ice cream made from human breast milk.

According to legal documents obtained by The Daily Mail, the business is coldly accused of “riding on the coattails” of the singer.

But business owner Matt O’Connor sees the flavor as more of a tribute.

“We named it ‘Baby Gaga’ because she’s the queen of ‘shock and roll,'” O’Connor told AOL News when the flavor was introduced Feb. 25.

At the time, he was confident she’d approve because the flavor was, like her own famous stunts such as wearing a dress made of meat, meant to raise questions and provoke discussion.

“Some people are turned off by the idea, but, really, it raises the philosophical question: Is it better if we use milk from cows injected with hormones who are artificially induced with pregnancy every few months, or human milk?” O’Connor said.

The outlet has been told to “change the name of the ice cream to something which is not aurally, visually or conceptually similar to Lady Gaga” or court action will be taken.

O’Connor doesn’t seem to be fearing a showdown in court and is happily promoting the controversy on his blog.

“The fact that the world’s biggest superstar is now prosecuting the world’s smallest ice cream parlor, is akin to the actions of a big baby, rocking in a corner with some wet wipes crying over spilt milk,” O’Connor wrote on the business’s blog, adding, “In this case, breast milk.”

O’Connor also notes that the ice cream was on sale for just a few hours before it was confiscated by Westminster City Council.

While, technically, Ms.(?) Ga Ga’s lawsuit comes after the product was removed from the market, the fact that he’s still advertising it is going to get him a quick lesson in how to navigate the bankruptcy courts in the U.K.

Maybe even a turn in the stocks or something.

But as exciting as these stories are, they pale in comparison to the millions of lesbians near you who are miffed about Justin Bieber’s hair. Even as his career heads, inevitably, to the tabloid hell of teen dream careers (Dana Plato anyone?), his follicles have inspired hetero-avoiding woman to a level of conformity that even the U.S. Marines would envy. So, when Monica Garske reports that he now looks like George Michaels’ cabana boy (boy, talk about a change of audience), you can understand why the Sisters of Sapphos might be a touch ticked.

It’s been just over a week since teenage heartthrob Justin Bieber got the haircut that made headlines, but some fans are still in denial over the loss of his luscious, side-swept locks.

At least that’s the sentiment sweeping the Bieber blog Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber, which posts photographs of women — many of whom are lesbians — who happen to resemble the 17-year-old teen sensation.

Now, for a blog that updates on a daily basis, you’d think there would already be several postings of female doppelgangers proudly copying Bieber’s new ‘do.

Wrong.

Blog founder –- and fellow lesbian Bieber look-alike –- Dannielle Owens-Reid told AOL News that despite announcing Bieber’s major hair development in a post last week, she’s gotten zero photo submissions of lesbians sporting Bieber’s new, more mature haircut.

This leads her to believe that lesbians who resemble the youthful, attractive singer — or at least those “Biebians” who regularly visit her blog — simply aren’t ready to accept the change in his hairstyle. Instead, they seem to be ignoring it.

“I get submissions every single day. Since he cut his hair, that hasn’t changed. But I’m still getting the same amount of pictures of girls with the swoopy Justin Bieber hair, not the new style. It’s like everyone wants to ignore the new cut, just like everyone wants to ignore the fact that he’s dating Selena Gomez. It’s one of those ‘say it ain’t so’ moments,” Owens-Reid said.

The lack of acknowledgment by Bieber look-alikes, she reasoned, could also mean that his signature side-swept style is bigger than anything we could’ve imagined — bigger than Bieber himself.

“Even if he cuts his hair, he can’t escape the Justin Bieber hairstyle. People will always talk about it, even when he’s an old man. It’s like Jennifer Aniston and ‘The Rachel.’ It will never, ever go away.”

If this trend continues and no photos come in of women sporting the teen’s new trim, Owens-Reid said she might have to start an online fan petition begging Bieber to grow his locks back out.

After all, it seems to be what the people want. Rumor has it that right after he cut his hair, some 80,000 disapproving fans stopped following Bieber on Twitter.

Owens-Reid figures that if enough lesbians who look like Bieber unite, they may be able to coerce the young, impressionable pop star to go back to his roots, which, frankly, have helped propel him to higher fame.

But even if Bieber sticks with the new look, Owens-Reid isn’t worried about it hurting business on the LWLLJB website.

“The haircut isn’t all that drastic. He still looks like himself, and lesbians still look like Justin Bieber. That’s not going to change,” she said. “Lesbians love dressing like teenage boys. Justin is adorable, and now that he’s been around for a while, I think people are proud to look like him. It’s not an insult, it’s an honor.”

Lesbians like looking like teenage boys, they just don’t like teenage boys.

It’s a minor distinction, but one worth noting.

Nevertheless, for those who are waiting for me to post video of Justin Bieber, this must be your first time here. However, just to be fair, I will post a video from a group of guys who look like lesbians.

[Blur] – Girls & Boys MV from yjchae on Vimeo.

Yesterday, after the Bulls lost a game they could, and should, have won (man, they miss Noah), I met up with some buds to share a frosty cold adult libation and discuss things that men discuss when left to themselves. Boobs, basketball, boobs, baseball, boobs, football, boobs and so on. Naturally, these conversational variants inevitably ran their course. So, inspired by multiple tales of holiday feasts, we turned our thoughts to cannibalism.

Eww! Yucky! You may say that. After all, who wants an invitation to the Donner Party? There aren’t any balloons, the booze is all frozen and the menu’s gross. Not fun like the Nude Hippo holiday feast. Not at all.

Yet, as we discussed while sipping said adult libations, cannibalism has been a celebrated part of many cultures since cultures have existed. In Italy there’s an entire genre of films dedicated to the philosophy that “you are who you eat.”

In the 60’s celebrated science fiction author, Robert Heinlein, tackled the issues of free love and cannibalism in his epic tale Stranger in a Strange Land. Personally I would never want to confuse those two, but in Heinlein’s story the hero, Valentine Michael Smith, is the sole survivor of a mission to Mars and has been raised by Martians who had very different ideas about the essence of immortality and so on. When Mr. Smith is finally made into a lovely stew for his friends it’s noted that he needed salt.

In 1973, Richard Fleischer directed one of the most popular movies of the year. Soylent Green’s post apocalyptic vision, of a world run by a police state and people being harvested off the streets, had intellectuals seriously ruminating on the concepts of government sponsored assisted suicide and cannibalism. After all, it’s not like you really need your body when it’s gone, so why not grind it into a high protein cracker?

And we all know that crackers go great with cheese.

Not so yucky now, is it? Who could complain about cheese and crackers?

In 1989, director Peter Geenaway took the whole concept to its logical conclusion in The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover. In his dark fantasy cannibalism is used to create a gourmet meal. Also to rip on the, then current, British political regime, but we’re focused on food here today, not politics.

Locally, Chicago played host (if you’ll pardon the term) to Cannibal Cheerleaders on Crack. Far from some schlumpy one night theater stand, the show ran for years and years. And, while everyone talked about how offended they were when the rich folks ate the poor folk’s babies, it didn’t stop them from going back again and again and again…..

“But,” you squeamishly object, “those are just twisted visions and horrors from a long forgotten past. No civilized person would contemplate anything like that.”

Really?

I say the table’s already being set.

Our parent company, NBC, recently memorialized a Naked Sushi party. If you haven’t been to one of these, the events work like this; a beautiful woman pretends to be dead while lying on a table and guests pull raw fish off of her flesh and eat it.

There’s also, usually, a DJ. And dancing.

Substitute drums for the DJ and a pot in the jungle for the buffet table and suddenly this scene seems eerily familiar.

The fish is just a bonus.

But, if you still don’t think you could be talked into eating your neighbor, just watch the video below to see how easy it was to get people to eat raw fish in the first place.

When I was a little kid, a singer named Jimmy Soul uttered the best advice ever. I didn’t follow it, which may explain why I’m twice divorced and sitting here in my shorts typing this blog. For those who’ve never heard it, here you go;

.

.

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

It’s a pretty catchy tune.

There’s also the sub-plot that some men believe that an ugly chick will do anything you want whenever you want it. I don’t know if that’s true, but it may be worth further study.

Anyway, another fine gentleman, named Joshua Conway, ignored this sage wisdom and entered into a relationship with a beauty queen slash law student. Emphasis on the slash. While on the surface it may look like he won the Lottery, brains and boobs all in one package, it turns out he should’ve done a little checking under the hood. Why? Because this chick’s nuttier than grandma’s fruitcake.

As Sean Alfano from the New York Daily News reports, Kumari Fulbright is the poster child for Jimmy Soul.

Maybe there’s a jumpsuit competition in prison.

Former Miss Arizona contestant Kumari Fulbright was sentenced Thursday to two years in prison for her role in the twisted kidnap and torture of her ex-boyfriend.

The troubled 28-year-old beauty queen and former law school student also got six years probation after pleading guilty to conspiracy to kidnap and aggravated assault charges.

Fulbright’s fall from grace occurred in 2007 when she was arrested with three other men for the brutal attack on then-boyfriend Joshua Conway, who was slashed with a knife, beaten and held at gunpoint for hours before escaping.

Prior to the crime, the former pinup clerked for a federal judge, The Associated Press reported.

As part of her plea agreement, Fulbright said she would testify against another former flame, Robert Ergonis, the accused ringleader of the robbery.

However, the prosecutor in the case, Michael Jette, says Fulbright has not been cooperative and has done “anything and everything” to shield Ergonis, the Arizona Daily Star reported.

In addition to her sentence, Fulbright was ordered to pay Conway $15,000.

Ahh, nothing says “love” like tying someone to a chair and slashing them with a knife.

What amazes me is that three dudes went along with this head case. At what point in your day do you wake up and say, “Gosh, I think it would be fun to flush my career and kidnap a stranger.”? What could she have possibly promised these three losers to get them in the fold?

Sex? C’mon, who’re you kidding? I could get laid in rural Arizona. So could you. Why do you think the Cubs hold spring training there? There are “W” flags flying outside of every hotel room.

Three young studs with jobs would be a no-brainer.

And her other – allegedly former – boyfriend is the ringleader? Really? So he woke up one day and, for no discovered reason, said “Hey honey, let’s go kidnap and torture good old Josh. It’ll be fun.” I’m supposed to buy that?

Do you?

I didn’t think so.

So gentleman, consider yourselves duly warned. Go forth and find ye a skank.