Search Results for: stupid

Do you remember the bombing at the Boston Marathon? I do because I knew a couple of people in the race. It took several hours to find out they were safe. Which they were and are. Before we begin I will be the first to admit that there are a couple of unanswered questions; (1) “Why was there a shoot out if the kid didn’t have a gun?” springs to mind and is followed by; (2) “How is it legal to buy that much fireworks without a permit?” Beyond that, not so much. My first running clue that the FBI got it right was the fact that so many callers said “That’s my friend … (pick one or the other)…” when the pictures were first released. If it’s one or two then maybe they’re wrong, but they got hundreds of calls with the same information. You couldn’t get hundreds of random callers to agree on a flavor of cheese. So, they got the right guys. A situation like this is law enforcement’s worst nightmare. When your terrorist cell consists solely of you and an immediate relative the odds are heavily in favor of no one figuring out what you’re up to. At least not until after you do it. And that is a bad time to figure things out.

A friend of mine pointed me towards something that I just found staggering. Not your usual conspiracy nuts or anti-government screeds, but a group of people who seriously, and rabidly, want Dzhokhar Tsarnaev set free and his slate wiped clean.

And the main impetus behind their movement?

He’s too pretty to be a terrorist.

No, I am not making this up.

An online movement calling to free Boston bombings suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is gathering pace – thanks to an army of teenage girls who believe he is “too beautiful to be a terrorist”.

Nicknamed “Jahar”, the 19-year-old, who is currently in custody and has been interrogated by the FBI over the April 15 explosions, has emerged as an unlikely heartthrob in the wake of the attacks, which killed three and maimed hundreds.

Facebook and Tumblr tribute accounts have been set up in support of the teen, and the hashtag #FreeJahar continues to periodically trend on Twitter.

OMG Free Jahar! @FreeJahar97
Yes i like Justin Bieber and i like Jahar but that has nothing to do with why i support him. I know hes innocent, he is far too beautiful.
3:56 PM – 25 Apr 2013

Selam. @baddierauhl
i don’t even care if jahar is a terrorist he’s cute i don’t want him to die.
10:25 AM – 20 Apr 2013

The New York Post spoke to one 18-year-old who insists the evidence against him does not add up and had planned to get words from one of Dzhokhar’s own last tweets inscribed on her permanently.

“Getting one of Jahar’s tweets tattooed on me tomorrow. Guess you could say I’m a #FreeJahar supporter,” @keepitbluntedd tweeted on May 7.

Alisha had earmarked Tsarnaev’s April 7 tweet reading: “If you have the knowledge and the inspiration, all that’s left is to take action” for a spot on her arm.

Since the story went live however, the waitress has had to put her plans on hold for now “out of respect of my family’s wishes. For now. It’s still something I definitely want,” she Tweeted.

#freejahar @laniquathompson
How many RT’s for our boy jahar look at that beautiful face #freejahar pic.twitter.com/K9xKFvv5HT

M. @Lovelessmariee
I’m not gonna lie, the second bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, is hot. #sorrynotsorry

Meanwhile a Facebook group entitled Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Free Jahar Movement has close to 6,500 followers, with many speculating Dzhokhar and his older brotherTamerlan were set up.

Further accounts exist, with “fans” leaving comments such as “I love you, you bomb my heart” and posting photographs of themselves in underwear, holding pieces of paper with Dzhokhar’s name scrawled across them.

An image from a Dzhokar Tsarnaev Facebook ‘fan’ page 

It’s not the first time Dzhokhar’s appearance has been commented on. Earlier this month, Mother Jones spoke to a woman who had a “fleeting fling” with the university student.

Speaking under condition of anonymity, she said: “I met him standing outside a building and honestly, his face was enough to capture my heart. ”

Wired calls the #FreeJahar campaign “a mix of conspiracy theories, sympathy for Tsarnaev and skepticism of the official narrative surrounding his arrest.” The Verge notes that for every message supporting Dzhokhar, “there’s a user expressing vitriolic disgust that Tsarnaev supporters exist.”

As you can see, the Free Jahar movement is being led by a mix of Justin Bieber fans and losers. Also, based on what I could see from Facebook posts and Twitter feeds, the majority of them are young, female and suburban.

That should send a chill through every parent reading this today.

Just remember that “Not your little girl” is pictured above in her underwear cheering for a terrorist.

How did this happen? Well, you can blame the segments of the media who consistently portray terrorists as turban wearing camel jockeys since stereotypes are easier to convey. Good looking young men like Dzhokhar are not considered to be threats.

Facts and logic both fly in the face of that assumption, but facts and logic have been getting short shrift lately.

That is why thoughts like these get espoused as though they are useful in any way.

The Flaming Lips – You Lust (NSFW) from Delo Creative

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The nice people over at Cracked Magazine have noted that the world is full of stupid people who have internet access. Judging by the article I am guessing they will soon discover, and write about the fact, that there is a planet full of air outside and we are all welcome to breathe it. Regular readers here do not need the obvious pointed out to them. They have figured out the basic stuff and come here for a more in depth analysis of the human condition. Which, as far as I can tell, resembles some form of social psoriasis. If you are reading this, and I am assuming you are, then all you need to do to see what I mean is scroll down to the search engine on the right hand side and toss the word stupid in it. Or, if that’s too much like work, just click on the word in the previous sentence. You will find article after article devoted to stupid people. There is also one article that contains a Japanese lesbian fantasy film. I like to leave little gifts for the regulars. Like you. And you. But, sorry, not you.

Well, I can’t please everyone.

So let’s take a gander at some people who make cops laugh. We’ll start in San Bernadino California where a criminal mastermind was selling pot in the police parking lot.

Authorities said on Wednesday that two slow-witted suspects in the Inland Empire made their job as easy as possible.

You have to wonder exactly what 32-year-old Wesley Taylor was thinking.

Police say he was carrying a duffle bag filled with 13 pounds of high-quality marijuana in broad daylight, and he chose a secured police parking lot as a place to hide.

Police grew suspicious and moved in. They found all the marijuana and arrested him.

San Bernardino Police Capt. Gwendolyn Waters said Taylor was trying to get away from someone.

“He saw his opportunity to slide through the gate. He took it, having no idea that he was going into a police parking lot,” she said.

It was the second curious choice made by an alleged criminal in just the past few days.

Last Friday, an inmate was released from the San Bernardino County Jail. According to the sheriff’s department, not only did he somehow steal an orange inmate suit, for some reason, he then changed back into it and tried to board a public bus while wearing it.

The bus driver called police, and the inmate was re-arrested – this time on misdemeanor theft charges.

“None of it makes any sense at all,” said Cindy Bachman of the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department. “He took his street clothes off and put the jail clothing back on after being released from custody … found his way right back into West Valley just about an hour after he was released.”

The poor guy was just confused. He thought the orange jumpsuit was a fashion statement. He also thinks Honey Boo Boo will make a fine wife some day.

Detroit Police are hoping you can avoid the obvious jokes here and instead focus on the crime in which a man stole a ceramic pig and then had his picture taken with it.

Because that’s what smart criminals do.

The owners of Red Smoke Barbeque restaurant in Detroit’s Greektown say a man stole their pig statue from the restaurant on Sunday.

The man apparently paid his bill using a credit card and then picked up the ceramic statue and simply walked out.

Witnesses say the man then went into an elevator with a woman who asked him what he was carrying.

The woman asked if she could take a picture of him and the pig.

The man agreed to the photo not knowing the woman was friends with an employee at the restaurant and the mystery of the stolen pig was born.

The pig was given to the restaurant’s owner, Tasso Teftsis, as a gift from an employee a couple of years ago for his 50th birthday.

“I guess I should have glued it down, if I thought somebody was going to take it,” Teftsis said. “I don’t know where he got it from but it was like wherever he got it he knew it was the perfect present for me.”

The pig weighs about 30lbs and the suspect is still at large. But, while his eventual capture is inevitable, some criminals can’t wait that long. Police in Gelndora California are telling the funny story about the nice man who robbed a WalMart and then called the cops because someone stole his car.

A suspected thief called even more attention to himself after trying to rip off a Glendora Walmart store.

On Monday, Cloyde Pulmones thought he had Walmart scammed. Officials said a surveillance video showed the 32-year-old Corona resident grab a $300 computer, then head straight to the register and show a receipt.

“He had an old receipt that he had and went into the store and alleged that the computer that he had with him was actually purchased that day with an old receipt,” said Lt. Tim Staab of the Glendora Police Department.

The clerk allowed the man to leave. The suspect left holding his new computer in one hand and his old receipt in the other hand. He headed straight for his car to get away, but his car wasn’t there.

“We received a call from a repo company. Unbeknownst to the suspect, a repo company had been following him all during that day and when he parked it in that Walmart parking lot, his car actually got repossessed,” said Staab.

The suspect headed back into Walmart to report that his car had been stolen.

But Walmart security had been tracking Pulmones’ suspicious behavior and police were already on their way to arrest him for burglary.

“His middle name was probably ‘moron.’ Who in their right mind would do what he did?” said shopper Jeff Sanchez.

“What an idiot. I mean, if you’re going to steal something and then run out and call the cops on the fact that you got your car stolen, you deserve to go to jail twice,” said shopper Karen Vega.

“John Wayne once said ‘Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid,'” said Staab.

Officials said Pulmones has a long criminal past, including several counts of burglary.

When police say someone has a “long criminal past” what they mean is “we catch this idiot every freaking time.” Seriously, if you keep getting caught shouldn’t it occur to you to try a different vocation?

But, if you can’t give up the thug life, you can at least be smart enough not to rob a place while driving around in a vehicle that serves as a rolling billboard with your name and phone number on it.

Well, you could be. Jeff Lewis Yancey could not.

A suspected tire thief in Temecula made it easy for investigators to track him down. His phone number was in plain sight while a tire store was robbed.

The recent burglary at the Best For Less Tire Pros took Riverside County Sheriff’s investigators less time to solve than most of their cases.

“If you are stealing something you don’t advertise who you are,” said the tire shop’s owner, Rich Richardson.

But that is exactly what the thief allegedly did. On January 17, Richardson discovered a break-in at his tire shop. Naturally he went to see if his surveillance cameras caught something, which they did.

“Once we got the cameras and looked through all the cameras, we found there was somebody out there taking tires. And then we noticed that as he drove by it had his name and phone number right on the side of the van,” said Richardson.

“Jeff Tires” was clearly painted across the van. That, along with a cell number, led police to Yancey Jeff Lewis. He also goes by the name of Jeff Lewis Yancey, a local tire salesman.

Investigators say he’s the one that is seen tossing tires into the back of his trailer while his accomplice acts as a lookout.

Investigators say they set up a sting operation by calling Lewis on his phone. When he allegedly tried to sell stolen tires to undercover officers, they moved in to arrest him.

Lewis has pleaded not guilty.

Meanwhile, Richardson says he is out about $800 since only one of the tires has been returned.

“Supposed to be sent back to Michelin to be checked, then they will refund us the money after they check them, but they don’t refund us the money unless we actually send them tires back,” said Richardson.

He’s not angry about it, but he is offering a bit of advice to the suspect.

“Stay out of Temecula because I think everybody’s got his phone number now,” said Richardson.

Temecula? Doesn’t that sound like a great name for some character in a horror movie?

“Oh, noooooooooooooooooo, it’s Count Temecula!!!!!!!!!!!!”

**scream**

And, as to Mr. Lewis, I’m sure he’ll be popular in prison. People that stupid get all sorts of respect from the inmates.

Or so I’ve heard.

But, well, the one thing none of these people have done is advertise their crimes. Why not? Because no one’s that stupid.

HAH! Fooled you!

Meet Hannah Sabata.

A Nebraska teen allegedly celebrated her bank robbery on YouTube, flashing money and what appears to be drugs in a video powered by Green Day music.

Hannah Sabata, 19, was arrested last week after she allegedly stole a car and held up a Waco bank, the York New-Times reports.

In the YouTube video, titled “Chick bank robber,” Sabata uses captions and a large notepad to gloat about stealing a “shiny new” Pontiac Grand Am. She states she robbed a bank “with a gun, a pillow case, and a note.”

Authorities say that Sabata entered the Cornerstone Bank in Waco on Nov. 29 and handed tellers a slip of paper that read, “You are being robbed! NO ALARMS OR LOCKS OR PHONES or INK BAGS! I have a loaded gun. You have 2 minutes,” NTV reports.

She claims she stole $6,256.

The video description, posted via user Jellee Beanie, reads:

“I just stole a car and robbed a bank. Now I’m rich, I can pay off my college financial aid and tomorrow i’m going for a shopping spree. Bite me. I love GREENDAY!”

Sabata appears to be wearing the same clothes she wore during her alleged stick up, the New York Daily News reports.

“I told my mom today was the best day of my life,” she writes in the video. “She just thinks I met a new boy.”

In the clip, Sabata claims that she executed the heist because she is a “victim of the government.”

“The whole system is just a game,” she writes. “The government stole my baby … and they took him away before I could even take him home … and they charged me with child neglect … I may not be a mother anymore but I can still find purpose.”

The York County Sheriff’s Department announced that it recovered all but $30, USA Today reports.

Click here to see the video they are discussing. The production values are better than the ones you have in the video of your kid’s birthday party.

Maybe not as good as your wedding, but close.

Other stories claim she may have not been taking prescribed medications. I’m not a doctor but I have to admit that she appears to be very lucid in the video and certainly took the time to make sure every aspect was as professionally done as possible.

So she’s high functioning crazy.

In other words I’m sure she’ll be fine.

St Alvia- OKUSA (official video) from Brent Kore

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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Yesterday I wrote about the dumbest job in the universe, wild crocodile wrestling (no experience necessary). I mentioned that there would be a lot of Floridians missing a limb or two. I did not mean to make that a challenge to see who would go first. But, yesterday, the 63-year-old Wallace Weatherholt, who must have been an idiot all his life to think this was a good idea, reached over the edge of an air-boat he was captaining to feed a wild alligator. The wild gator said “Why thank you very much Mr. Stupid Person” and took the kibble, the fish and Captain Wallace’s hand. Since it is illegal in Florida to tease, feed or harass gators, El Capitan could do up to six months in the joint. My favorite quote in the article comes from the Indiana tourist on the boat, Judy Chroniak-Hatt, who said, “I was sitting there in the seat thinking, is this thing really biting him or is he playing a game.” See, with Floridians you can never really tell if you are witnessing insanity or frivolity. Rule of thumb? Assume the former and rarely be disappointed.

Police in Port St. Lucie have found a less painful, altough still dangerous, version of stupid. They arrested a man for working out his one eyed wonder weasel on his front lawn.

A man accused of walking naked in his driveway while performing an intimate act on himself and “working real hard at it” was arrested, according to recently released records.

A man identified as Jeffery Marriott, 50, was spotted May 30 by a woman looking out the window of her home on Southwest Cherryhill Road in Port St. Lucie.

The dude accused in what could be construed as a nude lewd interlude was “walking back and forth masturbating in the driveway, the front yard and between the trucks,” the woman stated to police.

Further, the woman said the naked man had his sexual organ “in his hand working real hard at it,” a report states.

Generally speaking, “walking back and forth masturbating in the driveway, the front yard and between the trucks” is not a socially acceptable practice.

Police got no answer at the front door of Marriott’s listed address, noting an “unknown clear liquid substance” on the door’s knob.

Items that could be described as a “clear liquid substance” include water, vodka, condensation, Sprite, hydrogen peroxide, plastic cement, silicone sealant, vinegar and nail polish remover.

A woman identified as Marriott’s girlfriend told police she’d been sleeping for three hours.

Marriott said he and his girlfriend went to the beach and a store to return a tent before coming home and napping together for three hours. The girlfriend, however, said she was the only person in bed.

Asked why he was sweating while his girlfriend was not, Marriott said the air conditioning was set at 82.

Marriott was arrested on a misdemeanor exposure of sexual organs charge.

But that’s just sharing with neighbors. Who knows, in Florida it might even be expected. Kind of like a “Howdy Ya’ll, have you met my playmate?” But even in Florida the police will get a tad edgy when you whip out your wonder toy on an unsuspecting teen.

Sanibel Police arrested a man after he was caught masturbating by a 15-year-old girl.

The girl told police that she noticed the man while walking on the beach front of Sanibel Beach Club II Tuesday afternoon.

She stated that she was unsure of what she saw so she walked past the man a second time.

This time the girl said he was still masturbating and she saw his genitals.

She did not know if the man was directing the action toward her, but she did state that she thought the man looked over at her during the act.

After seeing this, the girl went back up to the pool area and told her father.

The officer approached the man, who identified himself as Johnathon G. Muller of Clermont, FL.

The officer saw no evidence at the time that the 50-year-old had been masturbating.

On Thursday, the police interviewed the girl. She was able to give a description of Muller, the clothes he was wearing and repeated the story of what she saw that day.

Muller was charged with Lewd and Lascivious Behavior and taken to the Lee County Jail.

He was released on $2,500 bond.

As has been noted here before, Floridians go about things just a tad different than normal people. For example, most people, when they lose their job, file a grievance or go get drunk or complain to random strangers on the bus. But, in Florida, they cover themselves in gasoline and try to borrow a match.

A former employee of a High Springs gas station returned Monday night, poured gasoline on himself and his car, and tried to set both on fire, authorities said.

No one would give the man a lighter, however, and he was unable to ignite the spilled fuel.

A High Springs Police Department report gave the following account: Kalpeshkumar Patel, 40, of High Springs, pulled into the High Springs Chevron gas station and convenience store at 7820 SW 50th Road around 9:20 p.m.

Using a gas pump, he then poured gasoline on himself and the car and tried unsuccessfully to get a lighter from customers.

The owner of the store told police Patel had left him several threatening phone messages, including the threat that he would burn his car in order to destroy the store.

Patel was arrested on charges of aggravated assault and attempted arson of a structure. He was being held without bond at the Alachua County jail.

The obvious probelm, besides the fact that he’s an imbecile (and, yes, I owe a 500 word apology to imbeciles) is the fact that he’s selfish. Lisa Lanham brought her own lighter and decided to share hte joy of immolation with her husband and a neighbor.

As if it weren’t hot enough outside, this woman decided to really turn up the heat.

James Lanham, 36, told deputies that he awoke shortly before 1 a.m. to his wife, Lisa, setting their Golden Gates Estates home on fire with a lighter, according to a news release from the Collier County Sheriff’s Office.

Another man, Cameron Sanders, 24, who was living in a shed converted into a makeshift bedroom behind their home, told deputies that he also awoke to Lisa Lanham lighting his bed on fire, the report states.

Both the house and storage shed were in flames when deputies arrived. James Lanham was not injured; Sanders received minor burns to his feet and hands, according to deputies.

Lisa Lanham was charged with one count of attempted murder, two counts of arson of a dwelling, and one count of arson with bodily injury.

You know something? Maybe Florida has the right idea with letting untrained residents wander the hinterlands, far from any medical or official assistance, in search of crocodiles to wrestle. Herd thinning made easy.

Jacques Magazine presents Tori from Jacques Magazine on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Good morning campers. Here’s hoping you’re all having a wonderful day. As many of you know summer is coming up and it is the traditional time for weddings. Many people, clearly having missed the memo on my love life, ask me for ideal wedding gifts. Women are easy to buy for; expensive jewelry and chocolates are never discarded. But what about the guys? There’s only so much beer and porn seems inappropriate for this occasion. Luke McKinley may have just the answer; the spring loaded genital noose lovingly known as The Penis Gallows. I’m not exactly sure if it’s a medieval torture device or a neat way to have hours of fun but I am sure that one of our more adventurous readers will let me know.

But if a penis noose isn’t dumb enough for you, then you can feel free to emulate the pure genius of Keithan Manuel, who tried to rob a police station. Texas cops just love when people do that.

Keithan Manuel is learning the hard way that a sense of humor is very subjective, but that’s what happens when you attempt to rob a police station.

Manuel walked into a police station in suburban Dallas on Saturday evening with a white towel covering his hands and told the dispatcher to hand over money, CBS News reported.

Although Manuel has claimed that he was just pulling a practical joke, Police Chief Victor Kemp said the suspect didn’t seem to be acting like a jokester.

“He said he’d like to check on a warrant, but it was pretty obvious it was a situation. He gave a different name and after a few moments of maybe playing it off he said, ‘You do know I have a gun,'” Kemp told KTVT-TV. “At that point he seemed to be very serious. She called for officers immediately. The officers arrived and were able to take him down at gunpoint.”

Police took Manuel down and determined he did not have a weapon. Meanwhile, he denies saying he was carry a gun.

“I didn’t say nothing like that, I swear to God I didn’t say nothing like that; that’s why they didn’t find no guns on me,” Manuel told the station. “Man, I play like that all the time, I didn’t think she would take it seriously.”

Apparently, he was wrong.

Manuel was arrested and charged with robbery and theft. He is currently being held in Dallas County Jail with bonds totaling $300,000.

Moving on from stupid people in Dallas to stupid people named Dallas, cops in Utah arrested a guy who robbed a place but left his schoolwork there.

An 18-year-old Utah man was arrested on suspicion of burglary after police say he left his homework at the crime scene.

Police in Orem say they tracked a USB drive found at the burglarized home to Dallas Naljahih. They say the computer hard drive contained his homework and was in a backpack abandoned in the backyard.

A 75-year-old man and his wife reported their home had been burglarized early Saturday. The husband says he was woken up by a light in his office, and found a man who was looking through a desk.

The suspect punched the man and fled on foot.

Police say that Naljahih was found asleep at his house along with evidence connecting him with the burglary.

While it’s good that the young man was dedicated enough to his studies to carry them with him wherever he went, methinks he should have put a little more thought into his act. Like maybe just staying home and studying instead of robbing senior citizens who will go to the mat to make sure he does hard time.

Still, I guess it’s better than being Micah Craig. He went to Wal-Mart, picked up a stick which turned out to be a rattle snake which then promptly bit and hospitalized him. Tis kind of thing happens all the time in Utah. Adjust your travel plans accordingly.

Speaking of traveling, police in Florida are trying to figure out how a couple of dead Peruvians, as in over a thousand years gone, ended up vacationing in Winter Gardens.

When a plumber discovered two skulls buried in the ground of a Florida backyard last January, police thought they had a murder mystery to solve. Turns out, this is one case that won’t crack anytime soon.

A medical examiner in Winter Gardens says that the pair of skulls — that of a 10-year-old boy and an older man — date back to between 1200 and 1400 and likely originated in Peru or other regions in South America.

“The mystery is how they ended up there,” medical examiner Jan Garavaglia said, according to Newser. “We don’t have any way of finding out.”

The plumber who first encountered the objects was installing an in-ground swimming pool when he struck bone. He reported the discovery to police.

ABC News reported:

When x-rayed by the medical examiner’s office, it was clear that the bones were hundreds of years old, and that the human tissue on the cheek of the skull had been mummified. The skulls featured an “Inca bone,” a telltale sign of a human from the Incan culture of Peru, Garavaglia said.

Experts from the University of Central Florida and Yale University also identified cloth items representing primitive slings. The items may have belonged to a tourist when laws restricting the transport of human remains were less strict, the Orlando Sentinel reported.

Considering we’re talking about a distance of around 3,000 miles, if covered by land, one must wonder what kind of person drives that far with a couple of dead Peruvians in the car just to dump them in the middle of Bu-Fu nowhere. If they took a boat they would have had to gone north through the Pacific, then through the Panama Canal (where they would allegedly be searched) and then across the Gulf of Mexico to get to Florida and then drive a few hundred miles to winter gardens to … dump them?

Only in Florida.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Every year people like you and I bemoan the ravages on the human intellect. It seems that screaming has become the new discourse and wild conjecture the new science. From people believing, without a shred of proof, that our president is a Kenyan native who practices Islam to the fun folks who use pocket calculators to predict the end of the world, we do seem to be surrounded by morons. But, you have to ask, is this a new thing? In many ways, no. There have been stupid people forever. But, and this is where things get tricky, when stupid people discovered they could get on TV and radio, either as hosts or guests, even if it meant humiliating their occasional loved ones, all bets were off. I once asked a young lady why she went on a tawdry show and she responded “They got me a nice room and a bottle of champagne and I got to ride in a limo.” Just in case anyone wants to know what the price of abject humiliation is.

But, I think it may even go deeper than that. I think it goes back to the time when morons were given access to cameras. Not satisfied to be drooling societal rejects left to their own devices, now they had a way to share. Not just their own stupidity, but their abject joy of being stupid parents somehow makes them feel better about themselves. Seriously, what kind of tool dresses their kid up as a toddling stripper or pot plant?

When faced with human dross such as this you tend not to be surprised when someone grows up, gets arrested for stealing a sandwich ….. and a forklift.

Really? This was his grand plan? Steal a forklift in public? Sheesh.

A pilfered Reuben sandwich and a stolen forklift have a Pittsburgh man in quite a pickle.

Ross Township police say 38-year-old Sean Faulkner ordered the sandwich from a bar, then ran out without paying and climbed on a forklift for his getaway.

Faulkner allegedly stole the forklift from a construction site on Sunday then drove it two miles to Sieb’s Pub. Bartender Karie Donatelli says Faulkner ordered the sandwich then bolted for the door after his food arrived.

Investigators say Faulkner was still in the parking lot when officers arrived. Police say he couldn’t get the forklift to go into reverse.

Faulkner is being held at Allegheny County Jail on charges of theft and receiving stolen property.

Can you imagine that 911 call? Yeah, neither can I. But I bet the cops demanded that it be confirmed before they left their local doughnut shop.

Of course, when you want the creme de la creme of brain crushing stupidity you have to go to Florida. All I can say is that I’m not making this up.

The battle for pizza supremacy has taken a wrong turn in Florida.

Two managers of a Domino’s Pizza restaurant in Lake City, in north-central Florida, have been charged with burning down a rival Papa John’s location.

The motive? Police say one of the men admitted that he believed with his competitor out of the way, more pizza lovers would flock to his restaurant.

The Papa John’s was gutted in the Oct. 20 fire.

Sean Everett Davidson, 23, and Bryan David Sullivan, 22 were arrested Thursday and Friday, respectively, and booked on an arson charge each and were being held in jail.

The Star-Banner of Ocala reports that police are still looking for an ignition device that the men claimed they made but did not use to start the fire.

Police said the suspects described a device made out of a clack, a nine-volt battery, a golf ball-size amount of black gunpowder and a plastic bag, the newspaper reported.

The suspects allegedly told police that they dismantled the device and threw the parts out of their vehicle along Interstate 75.

Police warned anyone finding an odd device along the highway not to touch it.

Oh, c’mon, this is a state where 1/3 of all famous last words are “Hey ya’ll, watch this!” Someone’s picking that sucker up.

However, in an effort to present some fair and balanced journalism here, it is not true that cops figured out who the culprits were because the pizza parlor burned in 30 minutes or less.

I could go on, but today’s your first day back from surviving the company Halloween parties. Not that we had any here at Nude Hippo with all the redecorating going on, but I am old enough and wise enough to feel your pain anyway.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU6iP0WLsU8&w=480&h=360]

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG AM 1280, every Thursday morning around 9:10!

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