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Idiot Apocalypse

December 21, 2012 by

And what a lovely end it is ….
I do my best to simplify things. There have been some thorny concepts presented up here that the average lay person was able to wrap their head around once I’d weeded out the hyper complex math and so on. The ability of some people to be able to sense four dimensions instead of the usual three? Explained. Putting a giant stamp on the “aliens exist but they’re not in our neighborhood” theory? The WOW Signal, explained. Why UFOs are a hoax or, at best, a result of a delusion? Explained to the satisfaction of a real NASA scientist. In other words, I pride myself on being able to help people understand complex concepts without demeaning their intellect or the core issues of the concept. It’s my superpower.

But, according to Jocelyn Vena of MTV, I may have met my match. She says Vinny from Jersey Shore can do that too.

Sure, we’re all just dancing till the world ends. But, “Jersey Shore” star Vinny insists that we’ll probably still be able to dance tomorrow.

While there is a lot of worry, especially from his pal Deena, that someone might be on to something when it comes to this whole Mayan Apocalypse thing, Vinny is fairly certain that when the clock strikes midnight, we’ll all be just fine.

‘Jersey Shore’ Star Vinny Calls Mayan Apocalypse A ‘Money-Making’ Scheme

“I’m just trying to stock up,” Deena told MTV News, noting that she thinks there’s a lot of evidence proving that any end of days theories floating around are true. “Not only ’cause it’s the Mayans. If it were just the Mayans thing, it wouldn’t really be bothering me, but they said all the planets are aligning. So I’m just preparing for all the power to go out, anything that might happen. I really wish I made enough money to make a bomb shelter, but that didn’t happen.”

Then, Vinny stepped in with words that seemed to calm her fears: “I can debunk everything. I’m a geek, so I kind of like know what’s going to happen.”

Vinny, whose scientific theories we can’t prove as true or false, then explained what he knows about the apocalypse and why it won’t happen.

“I’m no scientist, but pretty much this whole thing started, it was a money-making thing so that people can capitalize off it, make movies off of it and websites start to sell things like ‘prepare for it’ and things like that,” he said. (Sounds reasonable to us so far).

The “Jersey Shore” cast tells us their five-year plans!

He continued, “But there’s no scientific evidence, actually. You can’t plan the end of the world without scientific evidence. The planets, they will sort of align but they did it a couple years ago, nothing happens. They always align with each other.

“There’s no other planet coming towards us because we would actually see it, and the poles shifting, it takes like 1,000 years for the poles to reverse. It doesn’t happen overnight. And then the Mayan calendar, just like our calendar ends end of December/January 1, theirs ends and a new one begins. Just the fact that there’s a thousand different philosophies makes it not true.”

Whether or not the world does end, what will definitely be over on December 21 is the “Jersey Shore.” Tonight (December 20), the kids of Seaside will fist-pump for the last time as the show airs its series finale. Well, that kind of feels like the world ending to us.

I know this is the part where you wait for me to make fun of him, but I’m not going to do that. He is correct that people have been exploiting the fears of others to make money off this, and other, alleged disasters. May they rot in hell.

He is right that the planets aligned a while back and no one cared. Although he was off by about 1,500 years in his dating of the event.

And, while the “thousand different philosophies” line makes no sense whatsoever, I look at his target audience and cut him some slack.

Also, let’s be fair, just because he learned how to use Google and filter out the crap doesn’t mean he’s going to be teaching kids any time soon. Nevertheless, he’s doing better than most.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that if you did anything to prepare for today’s apocalypse that wasn’t part of your normal daily routine, you’re an idiot. Seriously, you’re dumber than a Jersey Shore cast member. That means you are barely functional.

And if you did anything to terrify a child, you’re criminally stupid.

Now that you know you can get the help you need.

Actress Apocalypse R-rated Trailer (NSFW) from Garo Nigoghossian on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
contact Bill McCormick

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Sure Signs of the Apocalypse!

February 7, 2011 by

No, they are not the new line of My Little Ponies.
No, they are not the new line of My Little Ponies.

My grandmother used to love to quote Revelations. It’s a fun little read if you’ve missed it. Her favorite part was figuring out when the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would begin their fiery gallop across the tundra of humanity and end it all. As I’ve noted before, thanks to prophecies based on Revelations, among others, the world has ended over 200 times already and seems poised to do so again later this year. 10 days before Halloween, in case you had plans. Clearly, the first true sign of that impending doom is already upon us; The Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl yesterday. While I will grant that this may not be seen as an portent of panicked predestination in the rest of the world, anyone who lives in Chicago, who has an IQ above a turnip’s, knows that any success in Green Bay means nothing but abject misery here. Worse yet, their coach Mike McCarthy has a sense of humor. Just click that link and try to imagine Lovie Smith even attempting something that cool. Especially with Playboy Playmate Jamie Edmondson portraying a bitter former cheerleader who still wears her outfit over 20 years later.

I mention Jamie since she’s a fan of this blog and visa versa. So click on her name and vote for her to be Playmate of the Year. It’s the least you can do. And we all know that you always do the absolute least you can do.

But, for those naysayers who think it was just another Super Bowl yesterday, I ask you to look around. Over 100 tons of fish have been found dead off the coast of Parana in Paranagua. Too obscure? How about the 2,000,000 dead croakers (yes, that is ironic) that were found in Chesapeake Bay. That’s in Maryland for those of you who slept through Geography in Grammar School. And none of this even begins to count the thousands more dead fish found in Arkansas.

Still not convinced?

What about the massive amounts of birds falling from the skies of Sweden, Kentucky, Arkansas (again) and the mass extinction of turtle doves in Italy?

You remember turtle doves, you got two of them for the 12 days of Christmas.

It’s gotten so bad that Google is mapping all of the incidents so you can play along at home.

“But wait,” you whine, “all of these things have rational explanations. Why are you trying to scare the pants off of people?”

Rational explanations? Pardon me while I chuckle my posterior away.

Do you mean rational explanations like this one? The one that claims that all the birds were killed by a flying semi tractor trailer?

State Agriculture Commissioner John McMillan says about 300 blackbirds found dead recently near Athens in Limestone County appear to have died from flying into or being struck by a large object, such as an tractor-trailer rig.

The state Department of Agriculture and Industries has been doing lab tests on large bird kills that occurred recently in two north Alabama counties. The results of the kill at Scottsboro in Jackson County are not yet complete.

McMillan said Wednesday the bird deaths are not considered a human health threat at this time, but the public should avoid or limit contact with any dead wild animal.

In other words, leave your collection of road kill cookbooks at home and, instead, go download the free cookbook that features Ashley Lobo and Gina Ferraro, among others. At least there’s no chance of catching Ebola from their recipes.

In the meantime, just realize that you live in a world where flying tractor trailers seem like a rational explanation and then tell me I’m wrong about the Apocalypse.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Caveant scriptores!

April 22, 2022 by Bill McCormick

First and foremost, now seems to be a good time to point out that the Big Wakeup Call has a new internet home. No longer satisfied with being the king of Aurora radio, it has moved on to be an international podcast. This makes it easier for our global fans to listen in as well as for curious newcomers to get sucked into Ryan’s wonderful web of wackiness. For today’s madcap episode, feel free to listen first and then come back, we decided to take a look at the progress artificial intelligence (AI) has made in the world of literature. Back in 2017 a programmer named Zak Thoutt programmed an AI (that’s what programmers do) to write Game of Thrones. This is why programmers never get invited to parties. Well, that, and no one really cares about how to manipulate Boolean strings. Not even the pretty girl who forgot her bra and desperately needs a drink can be coerced into caring.
[Read more…] about Caveant scriptores!

Filed Under: News Tagged With: AI, artificial intelligence, big wakeup call, game of thrones, literature, robot, robot overlords, writing

Zombies Anyone?

October 17, 2019 by Bill McCormick

How to cosplay the zombie apocalypse.

Every since little Freddie screamed out “Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys!” in Young Frankenstein, you just knew modern science was going to set about proving him right. That’s what scientists do. Go out, have a few cocktails, watch a fun movie, and come up with insane stuff. Everything from cell phones to spinal implants to robotic eyes to molecular insertions all came after someone saw a TV show or movie. So, that’s cool and all, but what if the movie is about reanimating the dead? You know, Frankenstein? That wacky story? Well, hang on to your seat belts, this ride’s about to get interesting.
[Read more…] about Zombies Anyone?

Filed Under: News Tagged With: brain sex, brains, death, frankenstein, happy, nmn, trauma, zombies

Isn’t This Super?

May 24, 2019 by Bill McCormick

They’re recruiting them young these days.

Thanks to the internet we know some things to be true. Specifically that Ben Affleck has been fired, or quit, and is no longer Batman. Except for the fact that he is, and is scheduled to appear in the next Justice League. We’ll get to why that is in a few. Other things we know is that Chris Hemsworth will never play Thor again. Except in Guardians of the Galaxy 3. And maybe in another Marvel film. There are no plans for a stand-alone Thor film, but that could be changed before my diaper. Suffice it to say there’s a lot of bad information out there. And, thanks to people needing to fill in blank spots with their burbling thoughts, it’s only going to get worse. There are, as of this typing, eight Marvel, and two Sony, movies slated for release with no information attached to them. Now, obviously, one will be a sequel to Venom. It made stupid money and, thanks to people like me who want to see it again, is doing steady biz as a download. The other Sony flik will probably be Morbius. It’s dark, has room for gratuitous violence and sex, and is a movie designed to make everyone who hated Twilight happy. That’s a potential fan base of billions. [Read more…] about Isn’t This Super?

Filed Under: News, Reviews Tagged With: bondage, capes, dc, heroes, marvel, movies, norty cotto, super

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