Don’t Do This

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People do stupid things for honorable reasons. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and not asphalt, after all. A man I know wanted to make things easier for his wife, who is in a wheelchair. So he built a ramp, with his own hands. And it is lovely to view. Unfortunately, to make it fit the front of their tiny home, and not thinking about alternate shapes, or directions, this ramp could have taken, it is now a thirty-five degree death slide. Neighbors have taken up a collection to hire him a contractor, which is sweet of them but, for now, people have to come by and carry his wife out the back door if she needs to go anywhere. Other people, in an effort to get “healthy” go on a detox diet. I’ll keep this simple and let Katherine Zeratsky, R.D., L.D., from the Mayo Clinic, address whether they work; “Detoxification (detox) diets are popular, but there is little evidence that they eliminate toxins from your body.” As to the companion for these diets, FUN WITH ENEMAS, she adds this; “Colon cleansing, which is often recommended as part of a detox plan, can cause cramping, bloating, nausea and vomiting. Dehydration also can be a concern.” Well, I’m in. How ’bout you? Here’s the thing, your liver and kidneys do a great job of of filtering out the bad stuff every day. If you simply eat healthy, and drink eight glasses of water a day, you’ll be fine. If you’re still not convinced, visit Health.Com for an itemized list of the ways you are doing more harm than good.

All that being said, at least these are people trying to do something positive.

Let’s move on to people like this douche bag.

Okay, DON’T DO THAT. Aluminum foil in an active microwave is a conductor that will shoot lightning and, if not stopped quickly, can set your residence on fire. This, in case you missed school that day, is a bad thing.

The nice people over at GUFF have a lengthy list, with pictures and arrows pointing at stuff in the pictures that you might enjoy. What follows is an edited look at really stupid ways you can kill yourself or others.

CD/Bagel Holder – It’s About The Plastic
So stashing your bagel sandwich where your CDs used to be sounds awesome on paper. And yeah, you could wash it as many times as you can to get off any of the clearly unsafe chemicals rubbed off from the discs. But the plastic itself is most likely not food-grade so the dyes will affect your bread and your other ingredients to your lunch.

Grilled Cheese Toaster Inferno
No pan to toast your slice your bread and all-American yellow cheese? Just tip over your trusty toaster and stick both of them inside! Just have your fire extinguisher ready when you set everything on fire, as it has in people’s homes in England among others.

Toothpaste Mints? Gross
Having a bumping party but have no cash for party favors? You can go ahead and freeze your toothpaste, then slice them up into impromptu dinner mints you can serve to your guests. You can then shake your head in horror as they puke them out from feeling the effects of poisoning via toothpaste.

You Can’t Pee Your Way Out Of A Jellyfish Sting
Oh, this golden shower is a true oldie but goldie (see that Friends episode). But remember that TV is filled with lies – peeing on a jellyfish sting will, in fact, make it hurt more. Basically, the more urine that splashes onto the stinging area, the more venom is released – ouch.

Charge You Snack Into Malfunction
Continuing on the “hacks that heat up your food” front, we have a way to get your roll of bread nice and warm with your laptop adapter. Now, those bricks can get pretty hot, so you might think it will make your snack ready to munch on while you “study” (read: binge on dumb videos). However, there’s the chance the crumbs might get inside the pack or laptop, harming your tech permanently.

You Can’t Put Polish On Herpes
Lips herpes is not a good look and the self-conscious will scramble for a quick fix – enter the nail polish. But for real, just use an honest-to-god lip balm or wet compress. This will just irritate your skin like no one’s business.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Don’t Burn Your Skin
Lemons are the tools for homemade remedies from foot scrubs to house cleaners. The one place you shouldn’t be putting it on is your face if you want to lighten it. Some will say that it works, but there’s also the risk of making your skin more sensitive to the sun, and flaring up any allergic reactions you might not know about.

Dipping Contacts In Coffee to Clean Them
In what universe does dipping coffee into something that you put into your eyes make any sense? Order some espresso and make sure your contacts are in proper solution, you dummy.

Drive Backwards to Spin Your Odometer In Reverse
There used to be an old wives’ tale where you could spin your ride’s wheel backward and rewind your odometer. But hold your horses – car manufacturers have set up odometers so that they can’t, in fact, do this – no cheating. But hey, have fun burning your gas tank, transmission, and increasing the chance of a traffic accident.

Candles in your ears to remove wax
A hollow candle on your ear has been hailed as the cure for tinnitus and ear pain. Experts have shown that there are no actual health benefits to sticking a candle to your ear. Burning hot wax near or inside your ears, however….that’s not a good thing.

Here’s a pro tip, if it’s an easy way to avoid work, requires little of you, and promises miracles, just walk away.


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