A long time ago, on an internet far, far, away, I used to write about stupid criminals in Florida. It was an endless source of material. But, finally, it began to feel like I was clutching low hanging fruit. After all, all I needed to do was punch naked + meth + crime into Google and I’d be deluged with Floridians, and Arizonians, behaving badly. Often at Walmarts. I never understood the fascination, but that could just be me. Maybe getting naked in a Walmart is a fun way to kill an afternoon. God knows I have been naked inappropriately in my life. Not in a chain store, but still not smiled upon. Nevertheless, I stopped. Besides, there were far more interesting topics to handle. I used my new found free time to write about basic science, robot overlords, eugenics, evolution, comics, superheroes, new artists from around the world, and a much broader spectrum of topics. Plus, there are now well funded sites dedicated to stupid criminals in Florida. So why bother competing? I certainly had better things to do. I even did some of them.
But every now and then, the clarion call of HomoIdiotus beckons. It’s keening wail echoing across the virgin plains of social order. While I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not, their ilk seems to be spreading. These are just some highlights from the last two weeks.
This headline, Thieves steal U-Haul containing father-in-law’s body, tells you all you need to know about this story. What makes this story rock are the auto-generated related items at the bottom.
- Border Patrol stops hearse carrying pot-filled coffin
- Teen arrives at prom in coffin carried by hearse
- Man steals hearse with body inside from Georgia hospital
- Hearse carrying veteran’s body left unattended in Hardee’s parking lot
The good news is the Albuquerque cops recovered the U-Haul and the body so it’s on its way to a proper internment. The bad news is the crooks are still at large. Just FYI, while these things come in threes normally, they seem to be multiplying like rabbits in New Mexico.
In order on the rest:
1. Driver arrested with sixty-seven pounds of pot.
2. The kid is a goofball, but harmless.
3. This is the third time this has happened globally in the last month or so. All the thieves have been apprehended. I have no idea why this is a thing.
4. The drivers were on a scheduled stop to eat a burger. No charges were filed.
Another self explained headline comes from Vermont; Williston police seek panda-costume wearing theft suspect. The fan of Ailuropoda Melanoleuca is still among us and carrying a stolen air rifle. I wouldn’t want to explain this to kids. How do you warn them what to watch out for here?
Don’t worry, I didn’t forget Florida.
Chelsea Todaro, at the Palm Beach Post, fills in the blanks.
Florida Highway Patrol troopers arrested a woman Sunday in Fort Myers, Florida, after she crashed into a witness who called 911 to report her reckless driving.
WFTX reported that Brittany Sharp, 25, faces charges of driving under the influence, driving under the influence causing property damage, driving with a suspended license, driving without insurance, and careless driving.
FHP troopers said a female witness called to report that Sharp was driving erratically on the road around 2 p.m.
WBBH reported that Suzzette Williams, Angelina Powell, and another female passenger followed Sharp for nine minutes, filming Sharp’s vehicle as they broadcasted on Facebook Live.
One clip shows Sharp’s vehicle barely miss others as it crashed into a bridge wall on the highway.
According to News-Press, a witness said that she pulled her car in front of Sharp when Sharp made a complete stop in the center lane. Sharp then drove her car into the back of the witness’s vehicle, News-Press reports.
Officials took Sharp to the hospital for minor injuries. She remains at the Lee County Jail with no bond set.
Jail records show that Sharp was arrested twice this year on charges of larceny and dealing in stolen property, according to News-Press.
So, to recap, the nice ladies mentioned here followed a drunk driver, in the middle of the afternoon, for almost ten minutes before anyone arrived to arrest her. There is a reason for that. Fort Meyers has one of the highest, per capita, crimes rates in the country. Combined with paltry sums available for social infrastructure, like police, you’re going to be on hold a lot down there after you call 911.
Fortunately this ended with no fatalities.
Now, your job may suck, but it doesn’t suck as much as this dude’s at the Marion County Jail’s does. We’ll finish off this cavalcade of dumb with one more stop in Florida.
Early morning on Saturday, Pattreon Stokes, 26, was pulled over on the highway for speeding. In the front passenger seat of the car was a 7-month-old child.
The deputy who pulled Stokes over said that he could smell marijuana coming from inside the vehicle. After searching the vehicle, deputies found 197 grams of methamphetamine, rock cocaine and 4 grams of heroin. A scale was also found in the car.
Stokes also had a small amount of marijuana and a large amount of money on his person.
Stokes was charged with trafficking methamphetamine, trafficking heroin, possession of cocaine with the intent to sell, manufacture or deliver, possession of marijuana and possession of drug equipment. He was arrested and taken to the Marion County Jail.
Officials say that when they arrived at the jail, the money Stokes had on him appeared to be missing. Stokes said that deputies had already collected the money.
“Detention deputies then noticed something quite unusual…” Marion County Sheriff’s Office posted on their Facebook page. Deputies observed $20 bills falling from Stokes’ buttocks area.
After a “necessary but undesirable process for everyone involved,” MCSO detention deputies located $1,090 in U.S. currency hidden in Stokes’ rectum.
“(A) necessary but undesirable process for everyone involved” may be the greatest understatement I’ve heard in years.
Since those bills had to be cleaned before they were bagged and tagged, this may be the first time the phrase “laundering money” had a legal basis. I hope they wore rubber gloves.
And haz-mat suits.
BTW, if you’re over fifty, the video below will ruin your childhood. If you’re younger it will make your day. Either way, it has naughty words and guns, and you can sing along with it.