You have no life. Or, if you think there might have been some vestige of a life clinging like barnacles to your ankles, this will remove that silly whisper of dignity. You see, today, I’m going to list every new horror and sci-fi TV show that’s coming out this season. And then you’re going to watch them. Each and every one of them. Your life will have no meaning whatsoever. You will be the flaccid consumer so grandly heralded in WALL-E. Your bloated body strapped into an electric cart as you ambulate from snack to snack. I can easily imagine you drooling on your jumper as the nice people from Family Services come by for you, bi-daily, diaper changing. Any social life you enjoy will be entirely limited to moments occurring during commercial breaks on social media interacted via the touch screen on your cart. When you, under your screen name Video Stud, will tell everyone how cool life is.
Here we go.
American Horror Story
Premieres: September 10, 10:00 pm, on FX
Starring Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett, Lady Gaga, and—wait for it—Cuba Gooding Jr, among others. Every year features a good idea they beat into the ground. I doubt this season will be any different.
Premieres: September 10, 10:00 pm, on NBC
A series about a woman with amnesia covered in tattoos related to crimes. Yes, it’s as exciting as it sounds.
Premieres: September 16, 8:00 pm, on Syfy
Noted as the weirdest and campiest zombie show on TV returns for its third season. Why is entirely your fault.
Premieres: September 19, 8:00 pm, on Fox
Fans adore the fact that this show makes less sense than a Trump speech. Non fans wonder what the hell is wrong with those people.
Premieres: September 19, 9:00 pm, on Fox
All we need to tell you is that season two pits Lucifer against his mom. This series started slow but it’s devilishly good now.
The Good Place
Premieres: September 19, 10:00 pm, on NBC
The idea is that a celestial mistake put the hero in the good afterlife instead of the bad afterlife she deserved. It looks promising.
Premieres: September 20, 9:00 pm, on Fox
Season two takes place in a hospital. Sure, why not? It’s an acquired taste but it’s worth acquiring.
Agents of SHIELD
Premieres: September 20, 10:00 pm, on ABC
Ghost Rider is coming. Shut up and watch.
Premieres: September 23, 9:00 pm, on Fox
reviews say this is going to be scary as hell. What they don’t say is how it will affect pea soup sales.
Premieres: September 23, 10:00 pm, on Syfy
Post apocalyptic vampire thriller. Normally a description like that requires gratuitous nudity, but that won’t happen on SyFy. The trailer looks kind of interesting though so we’ll check it out.
Once Upon a Time
Premieres: September 25, 8:00 pm, on ABC
Episode 1, of Season 1, was cool. Not so much since then.
Son of Zorn
Premieres: September 25, 8:30 pm, on Fox
Think He-Man meets Modern Family and you get the idea. Whether you like it or not probably depends on your meds.
The Last Man on Earth
Premieres: September 25, 9:30 pm, on Fox
Star Will Forte described season three as “New… Malibu… Death.” Yep, laugh riot there I bet.
Premieres: September 27, 9:00 pm, on Syfy
According to Gizmodo, Channel Zero has an intriguing concept: it’s an anthology show split into two six-episode miniseasons. The first one, “Candle Cove” is based on the creepypasta of the same name. The second, “The No-End House,” is about a woman who finds everything at home has changed after she visits a disturbing haunted house.
Premieres: September 30 on Netflix
We met Luke in Jessica Jones and loved him. This, Harlem based, adventure takes him out of Hell’s Kitchen and opens the door to some exciting story telling.
Premieres: October 3, 10:00 pm, on NBC
Time travel. Whee. Might be good anyway.
Premieres: October 4, 8:00 pm, on The CW
The most popular show on CW comes back with a daring plot, Barry goes back in time (yes, another time thingie) and changes the future, i.e. his present.
Premieres: October 4, 9:00 pm, on The CW
The world is ending in 8 months and 12 days. Is that a true statement or not? The show doesn’t let you in on it so you’ll have to figure it out yourself. Based on a Brazilian TV show.
Premieres: October 5, 8:00 pm, on The CW
Oliver Queen is the mayor of Star City. And the Arrow. And the love interest of ___________. And it all looks wonderful.
Premieres: October 5, 9:00 pm, on The CW
Based on the movieof the same name it also seems to have the EXACT same plot. So, if you liked the movie you may like this.
Premieres: October 10, 8:00pm on The CW
An actual appearance by Superman? Check. Lena Luthor? Also check. Miss Martian? Sure, why not! Mon-El? That’s who was in the pod at the end of the season. Oh, and a singing crossover with Flash? Done. It’s going to be fun.
Legends of Tomorrow
Premieres: October 13, 8:00 pm, on The CW
No one thought this show would survive. It’s wild, expensive, requires the audience to pay attention, and expects viewers to have some grasp of history. And, yet, here we are for season two bolstered by rapid fans and an impending crossover with all the CW’s super hero shows (Arrow, Flash, & Supergirl).
Premieres: October 13, 9:00 pm, on The CW
Coming back for its 12th season (YIKES!), it continues to be better than it should. This year will feature America’s favorite soap star, and occasional pop music icon, Rick Springfield as Satan. Need I say more?
Premieres: October 13, 10:00 pm, on USA Network
3 people sharing one dream. Reviews claim it’s an Inception meets Sense8 vibe with a missing kid thrown in. It looks interesting.
Rocky Horror Picture Show Live
Premieres: October 20, 8:00 pm, on Fox
Premieres: October 21 on Netflix
Afraid of technology? This is the show that will put you in therapy for decades to come.
The Vampire Diaries
Premieres: October 21, 8:00 pm, on The CW
This is the last season of the, confusingly, popular show. I’ve never been a teenage girl so maybe it will forever elude me.
Dirk Gentley’s Holistic Detective Agency
Premieres: October 22 on BBC America
Not sure about this one. Fans of the book may be expecting Thor and the other Norse gods to keep things entertaining. They aren’t in this and, whether it works or not, may depend on the fact that fans of the books are small in number and the producers seem to feel comfortable just using the characters as a jump off point. It may work.
The Walking Dead
Premieres: October 23, 9:00 pm, on AMC
The dead that will not die return to not die some more. If that’s what you’re into.
So, there you have it. Enough TV to turn your, already failing, little brain into a Slurpee.