Everything All At Once or Death by TV

Video Killed the Radio Star and Now It's Coming For You.
Video Killed the Radio Star and Now It’s Coming For You.
You have no life. Or, if you think there might have been some vestige of a life clinging like barnacles to your ankles, this will remove that silly whisper of dignity. You see, today, I’m going to list every new horror and sci-fi TV show that’s coming out this season. And then you’re going to watch them. Each and every one of them. Your life will have no meaning whatsoever. You will be the flaccid consumer so grandly heralded in WALL-E. Your bloated body strapped into an electric cart as you ambulate from snack to snack. I can easily imagine you drooling on your jumper as the nice people from Family Services come by for you, bi-daily, diaper changing. Any social life you enjoy will be entirely limited to moments occurring during commercial breaks on social media interacted via the touch screen on your cart. When you, under your screen name Video Stud, will tell everyone how cool life is.

Here we go.

SEPTEMBER

American Horror Story

Premieres: September 10, 10:00 pm, on FX

Starring Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett, Lady Gaga, and—wait for it—Cuba Gooding Jr, among others. Every year features a good idea they beat into the ground. I doubt this season will be any different.

Blindspot

Premieres: September 10, 10:00 pm, on NBC

A series about a woman with amnesia covered in tattoos related to crimes. Yes, it’s as exciting as it sounds.

Z Nation

Premieres: September 16, 8:00 pm, on Syfy

Noted as the weirdest and campiest zombie show on TV returns for its third season. Why is entirely your fault.

Gotham

Premieres: September 19, 8:00 pm, on Fox

Fans adore the fact that this show makes less sense than a Trump speech. Non fans wonder what the hell is wrong with those people.

Lucifer

Premieres: September 19, 9:00 pm, on Fox

All we need to tell you is that season two pits Lucifer against his mom. This series started slow but it’s devilishly good now.

The Good Place

Premieres: September 19, 10:00 pm, on NBC

The idea is that a celestial mistake put the hero in the good afterlife instead of the bad afterlife she deserved. It looks promising.

Scream Queens

Premieres: September 20, 9:00 pm, on Fox

Season two takes place in a hospital. Sure, why not? It’s an acquired taste but it’s worth acquiring.

Agents of SHIELD

Premieres: September 20, 10:00 pm, on ABC

Ghost Rider is coming. Shut up and watch.

The Exorcist

Premieres: September 23, 9:00 pm, on Fox

reviews say this is going to be scary as hell. What they don’t say is how it will affect pea soup sales.

Van Helsing

Premieres: September 23, 10:00 pm, on Syfy

Post apocalyptic vampire thriller. Normally a description like that requires gratuitous nudity, but that won’t happen on SyFy. The trailer looks kind of interesting though so we’ll check it out.

Once Upon a Time

Premieres: September 25, 8:00 pm, on ABC

Episode 1, of Season 1, was cool. Not so much since then.

Son of Zorn

Premieres: September 25, 8:30 pm, on Fox

Think He-Man meets Modern Family and you get the idea. Whether you like it or not probably depends on your meds.

The Last Man on Earth

Premieres: September 25, 9:30 pm, on Fox

Star Will Forte described season three as “New… Malibu… Death.” Yep, laugh riot there I bet.

Channel Zero

Premieres: September 27, 9:00 pm, on Syfy

According to Gizmodo, Channel Zero has an intriguing concept: it’s an anthology show split into two six-episode miniseasons. The first one, “Candle Cove” is based on the creepypasta of the same name. The second, “The No-End House,” is about a woman who finds everything at home has changed after she visits a disturbing haunted house.

Luke Cage

Premieres: September 30 on Netflix

We met Luke in Jessica Jones and loved him. This, Harlem based, adventure takes him out of Hell’s Kitchen and opens the door to some exciting story telling.

October

Timeless

Premieres: October 3, 10:00 pm, on NBC

Time travel. Whee. Might be good anyway.

The Flash

Premieres: October 4, 8:00 pm, on The CW

The most popular show on CW comes back with a daring plot, Barry goes back in time (yes, another time thingie) and changes the future, i.e. his present.

No Tomorrow

Premieres: October 4, 9:00 pm, on The CW

The world is ending in 8 months and 12 days. Is that a true statement or not? The show doesn’t let you in on it so you’ll have to figure it out yourself. Based on a Brazilian TV show.

Arrow

Premieres: October 5, 8:00 pm, on The CW

Oliver Queen is the mayor of Star City. And the Arrow. And the love interest of ___________. And it all looks wonderful.

Frequency

Premieres: October 5, 9:00 pm, on The CW

Based on the movieof the same name it also seems to have the EXACT same plot. So, if you liked the movie you may like this.

Supergirl

Premieres: October 10, 8:00pm on The CW

An actual appearance by Superman? Check. Lena Luthor? Also check. Miss Martian? Sure, why not! Mon-El? That’s who was in the pod at the end of the season. Oh, and a singing crossover with Flash? Done. It’s going to be fun.

Legends of Tomorrow

Premieres: October 13, 8:00 pm, on The CW

No one thought this show would survive. It’s wild, expensive, requires the audience to pay attention, and expects viewers to have some grasp of history. And, yet, here we are for season two bolstered by rapid fans and an impending crossover with all the CW’s super hero shows (Arrow, Flash, & Supergirl).

Supernatural

Premieres: October 13, 9:00 pm, on The CW

Coming back for its 12th season (YIKES!), it continues to be better than it should. This year will feature America’s favorite soap star, and occasional pop music icon, Rick Springfield as Satan. Need I say more?

Falling Water

Premieres: October 13, 10:00 pm, on USA Network

3 people sharing one dream. Reviews claim it’s an Inception meets Sense8 vibe with a missing kid thrown in. It looks interesting.

Rocky Horror Picture Show Live

Premieres: October 20, 8:00 pm, on Fox

No.

Black Mirror

Premieres: October 21 on Netflix

Afraid of technology? This is the show that will put you in therapy for decades to come.

The Vampire Diaries

Premieres: October 21, 8:00 pm, on The CW

This is the last season of the, confusingly, popular show. I’ve never been a teenage girl so maybe it will forever elude me.

Dirk Gentley’s Holistic Detective Agency

Premieres: October 22 on BBC America

Not sure about this one. Fans of the book may be expecting Thor and the other Norse gods to keep things entertaining. They aren’t in this and, whether it works or not, may depend on the fact that fans of the books are small in number and the producers seem to feel comfortable just using the characters as a jump off point. It may work.

The Walking Dead

Premieres: October 23, 9:00 pm, on AMC

The dead that will not die return to not die some more. If that’s what you’re into.

So, there you have it. Enough TV to turn your, already failing, little brain into a Slurpee.


Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
Visit us on Rebel Mouse for even more fun!
contact Bill McCormick
Your Ad Can Be Here Now!

Related posts