Everything Old’s New Again

This remake of Caligula being brought to you by Disney Animation Studios.
This remake of Caligula being brought to you by Disney Animation Studios.
I get it. We live in a world ruled by accountants. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. Which would be all right if they were any damn good at their jobs, I guess. But one quick peek at the world’s economic state shows they have some work to do. Another problem is that accountants are now the ones who greenlight entertainment for the masses. By that I mean, if they don’t see a profit in it you don’t get to see it. Or hear it or whatever. For example, there once was a version of Superman being made by Tim Burton and Nic Cage. What happened to it is not the subject of a documentary being made by Jon Schnepp called The Death of Superman Lives: What Happened?. Long story short? The studio pulled the plug. Why? Because the studio wanted a Superman movie that took no risks. That’s not really something Tim Burton does well. At least not back then he didn’t. Now he’s the safe, slightly quirky, filmmaker that everyone wants to hug. The studio finally made the version of Superman Lives, cleverly re-titled Superman Returns, they wanted and audiences the world over went … meh.

But that mentality is why Michael Bay has a job. He blows stuff up real good and doesn’t give a damn about plots or characters. It is also that same mentality that thinks, “it worked once, let’s do it again.” The nice people at Den of Geek have been keeping a running tally of all the remakes that are coming out. In July of 2013 they had accounted for 57. Yes, 57 movies that required no thought.

Well, actually, thought would be a great attribute to have if you look at the success rate. Does anybody remember the reboot About Last Night? Does anybody want to? It was cool, it was “edgy,” it had interracial implied sex. It bombed.

Now some things, like Batman Versus Superman get labeled reboots but they’re really not. They are old characters in brand new stories. They are, more accurately, re-imaginings. But still within the purview of the accountants. And, as far as I can tell all accountants that work for entertainment companies like shit that blows up real good. It can be surrounded by implied sex if they need to add the word “edgy” to the hype machine.

Let’s take a look at a few that are coming down the pike.

Agent 47

The first Hitman movie starred Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47. The rebooted one, clearly, will not. The current state of the project is that 20th Century Fox has it in pre-production, with Aleksander Bach attached to direct the new movie. The script has come from Skip Woods and Michael Finch so far, and we await news of who’s going to take the title role. Expect the film in 2015 or 2016.

All Of Me

If you’re ever having a crappy day and need a good laugh, then you can’t go wrong by popping on one of the movie collaborations between director Carl Reiner and star Steve Martin. The Jerk is wonderful. The Man With Two Brains is wonderful. And All Of Me is similarly terrific. It’s also being remade.

The new film promises to turn the central promise down, so instead of the woman’s soul being in the man’s body, it’ll be the man’s in the woman’s. But we don’t know who is lined up to try and step into the shoes of Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin. We do know that the writers of The Vow, Marc Silverstein and Abby Kohn, are working on the script.

All Quiet On The Western Front

Ironically enough, this is a reboot/reimagining/new take project that’s gone just a little bit quiet. Daniel Radcliffe had been linked with the new movie, which would have gone back to Erich Maria Remarque’s 1929 novel of the same name. Set during the German trenches of World War I, the new film version had Mimi Leder (Deep Impact) attached to direct once upon a time, although we suspect this one may now be stuck in limbo.

Are you as not excited as I am? Do you see any hope for those films?

Let me know why if you do.

Bloodsport

There’s going to be no Jean-Claude Van Damme in the announced remake of Bloodsport that’s currently in the works. Robert Mark Kamen, the co-writer of Taken 2, has been working on the script, and Phillip Noyce (Clear And Present Danger, Rabbit Proof Fence) had, at one stage, signed on to direct the movie. It’s still in the works as we understand it, and the plan is, apparently, for a film that’s more character driven than the original…

Carrie

The novel of Stephen King’s Carrie left a fair bit in it that Brian De Palma’s classic film didn’t really make too much use of. Thus, even though we were about as keen as most of you on the idea of a new Carrie film, there is potentially room for a decent one. Boys Don’t Cry director Kimberly Peirce is directing this time, with Chloe Grace Moretz in the title role. The highlight may well be Julianne Moore, playing her mother though. That’s the performance we can’t wait to see. The movie is out in October in the US.

The Crow

At long last, it looks like the planned remake/reboot of The Crow is finally happening. The title role had been linked to Bradley Cooper and Tom Hiddleston, but in the end, it’s Luke Evans who has signed up for the film. F Javier Gutierrez is directing the new film, and original Crow creator James O’Barr has now boarded the project on a consultancy basis. The Crow is now expected to shoot next year.

I still got nothing. Carrie worked because it shocked the living shit out of everyone. Now that everyone’s grandparents have seen it what’s the point? As for the other two I’m just baffled.

Gremlins

A Gremlins reboot remains on the agenda at Warner Bros it seems, with the studio reported at the start of the year to be negotiating with Amblin Entertainment for the rights to reboot the franchise. Amblin, as it was said back in January, was warming to the idea. It’s moving slowly this one, but it does now appear to be moving…

Heat

No, not that one. The Heat remake we’re talking about here is a new take on the Burt Reynolds movie of the same name. Originally released in 1986, the new Heat is going to feature Jason Statham, who takes on the role of a recovering gambling addict who provides protection to his friends.

William Goldman wrote the novel the film is based on, and has penned the script. Heat reunites The Statham with director Simon West, who previously helmed The Expendables 2 and The Mechanic with the great man.

Highlander

Rebooting a film with a tagline ‘there can be only one’ positively invites the world to chortle when a fresh take on the material is announced. That’s been one of the fewer problems associated with the plan to reboot Highlander, though. Ryan Reynolds had been linked with the project for some time, before walking away in June of this year. Directors such as Justin Lin and Juan Carlos Fresnadillo have also quit the project, which currently finds itself with neither a leading man or a director. That said, Summit Entertainment is still very much pressing ahead with the film, and a new director will now be able to choose their lead actor.

It

Stephen King’s It was adapted technically for television, with Tim Curry putting in a memorable performance as Pennywise the Clown. In the UK, it was mashed together into one near three hour cut, and plans are now afoot for a new take on the material.

Cary Fukunaga, best known for directing Jane Eyre and Sin Nombre, has plans to write and direct a new adaptation of It, and the idea is for it to be two films. Things have been quiet on the project for the last year however, as the new It remains stuck in development for the time being.

Nope. Not one of those holds my interest.

Leprechaun

WWE Studios has added to its production slate a remake of the film Leprechaun, which is going to see WWE star Hornswoggle (aka Dylan Postl) take on the role first realised by Warwick Davis. Zach Lipvosky is going to direct this one, having one the Steven Spielberg-backed reality TV series, On The Lot.

Logan’s Run

For a while, Ryan Gosling was linked with the long-in-gestation remake of Logan’s Run, which Warner Bros is trying to get going. But with Gosling and director Nicolas Winding Refn off the project, the mantle has now passed to the creator of the Bioshock videogame series. Ken Levine has been hired, very recently, to pen the latest draft of the Logan’s Run screenplay, which suggests that this is a project very much still active. It just needs a star and a director to get it firmly onto the proverbial grid…

Mortal Kombat

After Mortal Kombat: Annihilation disappointed at the box office back in 1997, it looked like the big screen adventures of the ultra-violent videogame were at an end. However, there’s a reboot on the way. The new Mortal Kombat film is in the hands of director Kevin Tancharoen. He directed Glee 3D, but it’s more the fact that he also made the popular Internet short Mortal Kombat: Rebirth that’s landed him the job. Oren Uziel was hired to write the script. Now we just wait for New Line and Warner Bros to officially fire the starting gun.

No. Just fucking no.

Click on Den of Geek’s link above to see the whole list and their updates. Arnie’s re-imagining of himself as Conan The Septuagenarian, I mean “Barbarian,” seems to have, thankfully, died a painless death before it was foisted on the world. The fact that his return to films that actually feature him has widely been ignored may have something to do with it.

Good job people!

Accountants also brought us such legendary epics as Wild, Wild, West (IT’S GOT WILL SMITH!), John Carter (of Mars) (IT’S GOT SCANTILY CLAD, FAMILY FRIENDLY, MARTIAN CHICKS!) and The Lone Ranger (WE WERE FUCKING DRUNK!).

There’s nothing wrong with mindless pap. Once in a while. It’s fun to just tune out and let the experience happen. But not all the time.

There is one bright spot on the horizon, however, At least if you’re an adult with an IQ greater than a kumquat’s. Fox Studios, overwhelmed by fan response to the leaked video of the DEADPOOL teaser have, for all intents and purposes, said “Here’s the wardrobe budget we used for Spiderman, now go away and don’t bother us.”

Which means they are far from the prying, beady, eyes of corporate accountants. The money they are using to make the movie is less than a power lunch for Donald Trump. I’m betting it will be brilliant.

Mؘ – Waste Of Time from Spoiled Productions on Vimeo.

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