You Are What You Eat

I would like to say that this blog looks at the best that society has to offer. I would like to say that but you know it’s not true. Still, there have been tentative forays. Like the time I sis considerable research and carefully wrote about debunking ancient aliens and UFO theories. It got a good response then and I occasionally see it cited in other blogs. That’s always a thrill. Even more fun is the new Morgan Freeman show on the Science Channel called Through the Wormhole With Morgan Freeman, because Through the Wormhole with Brad Pitt would be a stupid name with Morgan hosting, which looks at the possibility of humans meeting aliens. Much of interview echoes what I wrote 2 years ago so that’s kind of fun. He also wonders if religion is necessary for a society or if we’ll grow out of it. All real adult stuff. Not that we’re going to deal with any of that today, but I thought you should know that the possibility does exist.

Nope, today, we are going to talk about advances in science. Back on November 20, 2013, giddy scientists announced that they had successfully used toe jam and belly lint to make cheese. Because, as you know, there was a huge clamor from citizens of the world to make this happen. Naturally, cheeses made from the toe jam of celebrities was the next requested step.

No, I’m not kidding. Check out CNET commentator Anna Kooser’s comments.

If you could make a cheese from any famous person’s belly-button bacteria, who would you choose? I’m thinking of a nice cave-aged George Takei called Lieutenant Blue-lu. Perhaps Patrick Stewart would allow us to make a Captain Parmesan to go on a cheese plate alongside a Commander Raclette from Jonathan Frakes.

Well, at least she’s a Star Trek fan.

As any cheese eater knows you can’t just have the cheese. No sirree Bob, you need a nice salami too. We’ll get to crackers later. Now what kind of salami goes best with toe jam cheese? Why salami cloned from human cells of course.

I bet you knew that already.

Andres Jauregui writes about a lovely young company that has the money to spend to develop test tube meats.

Ever think Jennifer Lawrence looks good enough to eat? You’re not alone.

A start-up called BiteLabs has been floating the idea of making salami out of test-tube meat grown from celebrity tissue samples, and has provided flavor profiles to whet potential supporters’ appetites.

JLaw’s proposed flavor profile is described as having “notes of honey… spiced with orange zest and ginger,” whereas James Franco’s is “smoky, sexy, and smooth.” BiteLabs suggests pairing Kanye West’s bold, spicy test-tube steak with a strong bourbon.

Om nom nom. James Franco is one of BiteLabs’ unofficial antipasto poster-boys. 

Although the market for such products doesn’t exist, the company’s website encourages visitors to tweet their support for their favorite would-be celebrity meat product. Despite the Twitter campaign’s efforts, it doesn’t look like any celebrities have signed over their tissue samples or their endorsement.

It may sound creepy and unethical, but as one representative told PSFK, the aim of the project — promoting discussion about lab-grown meat — is “100 percent serious.”

In an email to The Huffington Post, one of the fledgling company’s founders said the idea is more of a conversation starter about the viability of lab-grown meat than it is a viable product — at least for now.

“Making celebrity meat a reality will all depend on our ability to generate public enthusiasm,” the representative — who would identify himself only as Martin (“due to the controversial nature of [the] product”) — said. “We want to prompt widespread discussion about bioethics, lab-grown meats, and celebrity culture.”

BiteLabs maintains that a cornerstone of that discussion is sustainability. Its website notes:

Currently, 70 percent of the world’s farmland (almost 30 percent of the entire earth’s surface) is used for raising animals. Meat production today is simply unsustainable: unless a radical change is made, the price of meat will eventually rise out of control. Lab grown meats are the future.

Fair enough. But even if people were to get onboard with eating lab-grown meat, the acceptance threshold for human-sourced lab meat is likely to be significantly higher. While Martin admitted that the idea of consuming human-sourced tissue would seem unappetizing, he insisted it isn’t cannibalism.

“Jennifer Lawrence: A Different Type of Hunger Game” 
“The lab-grown celebrity meat in our salamis would never have been part of a human being. We do acknowledge that thus [sic] sits in something of a grey area,” Martin wrote. “We’re glad to see that people are bringing this up. It’s all part of this bio-ethics discussion that we’re interested in starting.”

Martin also pointed out that the proposed salamis would be made from a mix of “celebrity” and in-vitro meat, which already exists. He said the products would provide “a new and exciting way to connect fans with their favorite celebrities” and give BiteLabs “an edge in the lab-grown meat market.”

But if the prospect of lab-grown meat still seems unappetizing, don’t worry. You can look forward to building your diet around this nutrient-rich fungus grown from ethanol byproducts.

Or, you know, eat your vegetables instead.

You can also eat Kanye West and Ellen DeGeneres.

There are so many off color jokes I could insert there, starting with Kanye’s outing as a gay fish, that I overloaded.

This gem is from the BiteLabs’ website.

Process
We start with top-quality ingredients, and time-honored recipes for the creation of fine cured meats. We mix celebrity and animal meats, grown in house through a proprietary culturing process, into curated salami blends. Starting with biopsied myoblast cells, we grow our healthy, rich, meats in Bite Labs’ own bioreactors.

Our process yields high-quality, luxury protein, in a sustainable manner that eliminates the environmental and ethical concerns associated with traditional livestock production.

Now here’s where it could get interesting. If they sampled vegetarians there would have been no animals harmed in the process. Does that mean that vegans would be able to eat these meats? After all, their only complaint has to do with the treatment of animals. Cloned food made from vegetarian humans would eliminate that problem.

So, with our toe jam cheese and cloned salamis, what kind of cracker would go best? Soylent Green ones of course.

And that completes your high protein trifecta courtesy of science.