Not For Sharing With Strangers

Yeah, these you should keep to yourself.
Yeah, these you should keep to yourself.
As things become more public the public learns to deal with them in one way or another. Unless you’re a lawmaker in Kansas, then you just try and make reality go away. It never works but, BY GOD, they do try. They actually have my favorite law in America. In an attempt to ban Sharia Law, a problem that did not and does not exist, they passed a law banning any religion from influencing the laws of their shiny land. A move which could legalize gay marriage there now. It’s called Senate Bill 79 or, as I like to call it, 10 More than Happiness. No one has put that sucker to the test yet but I bet someone will. In non-religious news, bestiality arrests have quadrupled since 2008. A large part of that is due to the public becoming more aware that this is a real crime and reporting it as such. In Florida, where they only recently made the practice illegal, and it took them four tries at that, courts are finally jailing people for the crime. And we’re talking serious time. One guy just got 8 years plus an additional 9 on parole. Of course, Florida is still the king when it comes to family values and boasts the only Mother/Daughter porn team in the world. More importantly, it seems that some people are walking among us without any social filters. Two women were arrested this week for trying to kill guys who wouldn’t have sex with them, one of whom was a complete stranger to the lady. When a headline features your name followed by the phrase “Goes On Bloody, Naked Rampage After Boyfriend Refuses Sex” you might want to rethink some of your life choices.

I’m just saying.

You might also want to send the editor a copy of an English textbook so they can learn how to use commas.

That being said, millions of men and women have worked out a way to keep themselves satisfied and out of trouble. They wander down to their local adult toy shop and pick up something to provide a little self pleasure and stress relief. If you’re not sure what you need you’ll find the staff very helpful. The choices can be daunting.

But we live in a universe that has entropy and, as such, things wear out. So what do you do when your self pleasuring device needs to be put down? You do what millions already do, you recycle it.

Aimee Heckel shares a lovely story about her husband, used dildos and earth friendly politics.

My husband was astounded by the number of phallic objects on the conveyor belt.

A few years ago, he volunteered to help sort junk at a recycling facility in Boulder County. As Colorado residents, philanthropy and recycling is a residency requirement, and/or punishment if you break the law. What brought him there isn’t interesting.

What brought him home is.

He came home near tears. The old sex toys! The ratty, strange, sticky, damaged sex toys! They kept coming, he explained. At first, a doodad on the conveyor belt was novel. Funny, even. Then more. Baffling. More. Violating.

That’s when we learned the hard way: You can recycle your ex’s Magic Wand. Collection centers can sterilize naughty castoffs and, well, grind the rubber and silicone down into skanky dust (not the official term) to be remolded into new goodies.

After a new sanitary layer of silicone, that is.

After his encounter at the recycling facility, my husband might request two protective layers.

Indeed, sex without a condom isn’t the only kind of sex that may make your lady bits cry. Your sex toys may be toxic. And not very alluring to the environment, either.

Increasingly more adult stores are offering nontoxic, green goodies (and I’m not talking about the color, not that there’s anything wrong with a Hulkavater, which surely exists). This new buzz of pleasure contains no PVC, animal products or phthalates, which some people fear may be linked to reproductive problems, including low sperm counts. Still, the FDA reports there’s not a “sound, scientific basis” for concern.

In respect for Oh-Mama Earth, green sex toys are also often made in the USA (with a smaller carbon footprint), sold in recyclable packaging and rechargeable, to reduce the number of batteries that end up in the landfill. You can easily find green sex toys online at eartherotics.com and ecorotic.com, just to name a few.

The local, handcrafted sex toy movement is growing, too. Etsy is bursting with handmade everythings — from floggers, to ticklers, to bed restraints, to hypoallergenic, phthalate-free, printed-to-order, hand-polished vibrators.

Jonathan Kasemir, of Longmont, Colo., started making hand-braided whips last February. He started his business, RavenTiger Whips, in response to his then-girlfriend’s request to experiment with BDSM.

“She wanted me to try whipping her, and I wasn’t going to spend and arm and a leg to get one if I wasn’t even sure I was going to like it,” Kasemir says.

Today, he says he can play the drums using two whips. (Literally. That’s not a euphemism.) In the last year, Kasemir says he has sold about 90 whips to Coloradoans, ranging from about $130 to $300 each, mostly via word of mouth, at social events and through BDSM social-networking sites. In fact, the demand is so great that he he has a two-month waiting list.

The whips, custom-tailored using parachute cord, take about seven hours to braid, he says.

Buying local has its benefits; Kasemir says clients enjoy picking the color, design patterns, weight, length, width and handle style. Plus, if something breaks, he can fix it for them. There’s one more bonus of buying locally, Kasemir says.

“I even help people learn how to throw their whips when they order them,” he says.

Yes, she’s right. There is a Hulk themed vibrator. Actually, there’s an entire line based on the Avengers. Earth’s mightiest and all that.

• Captain America – silicon vibrator
• Iron Man – twin motor vibrator
• Thor – electrical stimulator
• Hulk – 12” silicone dildo
• Black Widow – discreet clitoral stimulator
• Hawkeye – G-spot vibrator

And, as you can see from the above, business ideas can come from anywhere. Although, sadly, there is no follow up if the young lady enjoyed the sting of the lash even if many others have and do thanks to Mr. Kasemir’s entrepreneurial spirit.

And what do all those tons of recycle plastics get used in? A lot of them are in children’t playgrounds all over the country.

You’ll never forget that, I promise.

Okay Grandma, show the kids how it’s done.

Madonna – Erotica (Uncensored) from MstMst on Vimeo.

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