Archives for February 2014

I, like approximately 1/3 of Americans, have a job. It requires me to interact with other people. To present myself in a courteous and professional manner and, no, I don’t wear a paper hat or a name tag. It’s a grown up job in a company staffed by grown ups ….. and me. No matter what I’m always going to have that one part of me that’s just that side of goofy. Depending on your point of view that’s either child-like or childish. That allows me to kind of take people as they come. I tend to be comfortable around people who are different than me simply because I enjoy the differences. I find that to be a blessing. Knowing people who are everything from porn stars to priests has given me access to insights I might otherwise have missed. And I do tend to see a common thread others seem not to. People really share the same core desires. They want a safe place to live, a roof over their head, food on the table and a better life or their progeny, biological or otherwise. So, yeah, I was appalled by Arizona and continue to be appalled at those who use religion as a weapon. As I noted elsewhere, I believe in God. Happen to be a big fan of His work. He did an exceptional job on the derriere of a certain red head I know. That being said, there is lengthy list of animals who are gay, so it’s not just a human thing. In other words there’s a point to their existence. And if they’re good enough for God then they’re good enough for me. Because, smart though I may be, I am not smarter than God.

One thing is true. Diversity is the backbone of this country. It’s the whole reason we exist. We are the freaking meting pot of the world. We are not a box of light, beige, crayons.

And, yet, there are those who judge. Often from ignorance and fear. “That’s not like me so it must be bad” is the mantra of the small minded. So it was with a certain modicum of joy that I ran across Michael Sean Comerford’s article about Short E. Dangerously.

The half man, all freak, who’s living large.

A tall, successful looking man in his early 50s next to me in the elevator was just making small talk when he asked why I carried so many books and notes with me.

I’m writing a book about traveling carnivals. I spent the year working and living in traveling carnivals and now it’s time to write a book. There was lots of hitchhiking involved too, I said.

“I used to work for the freak show every year at the Minnesota State Fair,” he said. “I used to pull the sword out of the sword swallower’s mouth.”

As I left the elevator I asked his name, later Googling his name to see what became of the Freak Show apprentice.

Vice chairman of General Motors.

Writer Amy Tan says she wonders if the “universe” is sending her material for her books when she’s writing, because so much comes her way when writing that inspires her work (they are good novels).

It happens to me too but my subject is carnivals, carnies and the ephemeral locus of American communities. With a subject that broad, GM vice chairman/former child freak show performers will happen.

You never know what you’ll see in a freak show, or who those performers are in real life.

For my last day in my year in traveling carnivals, I asked King of the Sideshows Ward Hall if I could work in his freak show for a token amount and for just a day.

I saw the World of Wonders several times when I was working the billiards game for Adam West’s crew in at the Minnesota State Fair last summer.

The “World” was playing the Florida State Fair in Tampa and I wanted to get a toe into the freak show side of the industry. Hall agreed and I took tickets and was a gopher.

Twenty-two-inch tall Short E. Dangerously is the only classic “freak” in the show, called a “half man” because he was born without legs.

At the World of Wonders show in Florida, people ate fire, swallowed swords and performed magic, including a guillotine routine with a head thrown into the crowd. Illusions, Ward said, are most of the show these days.

Hall blames political correctness for the decline in “human oddities” wanting to perform in sideshows. Hall has worked in the sideshow business for 60 years and knows his freaks.

“I’ve worked with hundreds of human oddities,” he said. “Giants, midgets, alligator skin men, bearded ladies, the monkey girl, pinheads, midgets, dwarfs, the armless girls, the living half men, all worked for me in the past.”

Maybe even a future vice chairman of General Motors.

Shorty started touring in sideshows just a couple years ago and now travels the world. He’s knocked out by the fame and travel. Before one performance, (performances run continuously almost all day), he looked back at fellow performer and beautiful assistant Sunshine and said, “I know, sometimes I can’t believe all this myself.”

It’s hard work as you’ll see in his interview.

I found his lack of neuroses compelling. He says he had a happy childhood. He loves music and women. He’s healthy. He makes money and travels the world. He’s a happy man.

Without a hint of self pity for the cards he was dealt, he proclaims himself a lucky half man and a rocker.

I’ve read experts who say otherwise, but I believe a man is happy if he thinks so. I also believe most of what we see, we should question.

You never know what you’ll see in a sideshow, on stage, behind the stage or in the corporate board room. You never know the shape of a happy man.

Click here to read the whole interview. You’ll be glad you did.

Short E. has a website, a hot woman who lets him throw knives at her and has written a loving tribute to his mom.

This is Short E. being a human flame thrower. And, yes, that’s as tall as he gets.

The point here is simple, because his mother accepted him for what he was he was able to accept himself. Because he could accept himself it made it possible for others to accept him.

Do you see the pattern here?

As my grandmother used to say, “We are all God’s creatures. It’s up to us to figure out why he put us here.”

I may not have all the answers, but hating all the wonderful people He’s graced us with doesn’t seem to be the right answer.

Cecaelia from Hugo BODOUKIAN MEYRANT on Vimeo.

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I have a new neighbor. He moved in a couple of months ago. It took me about 11 seconds to decide he was a douche. Maybe 12. Anyway, 2 weeks ago he introduced me to his girlfriend. She, politely, pointed out that they were on their way to their first date (Olive Garden according to him) and weren’t actually in a relationship. Just consider this moment as added evidence to his douche-baggery. Especially the whole Olive Garden thing. Set aside the fact that the food sucks, “Here baby, have some free salad” isn’t all that romantic. Okay, back on point. Yesterday the nice lady, and she is very nice, broke up with him. In the hallway. She claimed, surprise surprise, that he was a drama queen and given to over-reactions. She then turned on heel and walked away while he started crying over the lost love of his life. Yes, I remind you that this is two weeks in. He cried for five hours. At times sobbing. At times wailing and at times making this keening noise akin to brake failure on a freight train. Then, because we are discussing a man who’s in complete control of his emotions and social behavior, cranked up a boom box and began playing Royals for the next three hours. Obviously nothing says “lost love” like a song that has nothing to do with love, lost or otherwise.

I used to like that song.

Nevertheless, while the douche-bag may be destined to a short shelf life no matter what he does, others have success that lasts decades. I am limiting this blog to five bands that have, as best as possible, stayed together for the long haul. Solo performers have it much easier. Bands are, essentially, caravans of gypsies. Yes the wagons get nicer when you’re successful but life on the road isn’t a first class ticket to sing at a hotel no matter how well appointed the bus may be.

Here we go.

(1) The Rolling Stones. Founded in 1962, they haven’t been relevant since 1978, on the Some Girls tour, and now they charge $250 or better to see them live, but back in the day the Glitter Twins made some of the best rock and roll on the planet, with Her Majesty’s Request being an admitted mistake, and changed the way millions of people thought about music. Even on the Some Girls tour, which I saw, tickets were reasonable and you could win them, as I did, on WLUP, which was also relevant back then. However, just as the Stones were set to slide into obscurity or playing corner bars for kicks, CLASSIC ROCK was born. Radio geared for a target audience of middle aged white men with money. More importantly middle aged white men with families that they had to introduce to their favorite music. The Stones figured that whatever these idiots would pay to see a football game, about $100 a pop when they started these stadium tours, that’s what they would charge. That is still their philosophy. God bless them.

(2) Parliament Funkadelic. Started in the late 50’s by George Clinton as a doo-wop group they morphed into two of the greatest funk collectives ever known, Parliament and Funkadelic (until 1972 they were on different labels although they were actually the same band – well, it was the 70’s, there was lots of confusion). The Parliament side of the group was the more pop sounding affair while Funkadelic took psychedelia and R&B and fused them into art. The collective spawned Bootsy’s Rubber Band, The Brides of Funkenstein and several others. But the original group, including the latest iteration of it’s famous mothership is still playing selected dates. So the next time someone tells you they’re gonna turn this mutha out, you can thank George Clinton and his merry band of miscreants.

(3) ZZ Top. Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill & Frank Beard hooked up in 1969 in Houston Texas. Utilizing three chords, one beat and vocals that barely spanned four notes, forget about an octave, they became the unlikely darlings of the working class. Considering that the singers look more like Hasidic rabbis than rockers, unlikely may be an understatement. Still, by the mid-70’s they were selling out stadiums performing shows that featured live bulls, a stage shaped like Texas (this was before Texas went insane) and convincing teenage girls to take off tier tops for ZZ Top. I know, I was there. I haven’t see that many tits outside of a strip club in my life. My buddy, who was, and is, older and wiser than me advised me to go without a date. Dear God was that a good call. If you couldn’t get laid at a ZZ Top concert it’s off to the monastery for you. But if boobs aren’t your thing, here’s some Tush. Something else that was on display in great abundance that day.

(4) The Stranglers. Classically trained punk band may seem like an oxymoron, but this multi-million selling group (that you probably never heard of) has made it work for 40 straight years of touring. Think about that. 40 years on the road. No breaks, no year off here or there, just 40 years of non-stop rock and roll. Their first single that hit late night radio in the U.S. in 1977 was called Get a Grip and it changed my fucking religion. The band had already been touring Europe for three years at that time. Unlike the other bands noted above The Stranglers kept writing, kept being political, never shied from satire and saw their drummer celebrate his 75th birthday by appearing in their latest music video, a catchy rip on climate change deniers. Anyway, 2014 is their 40th Anniversary tour, catch them if you can. It used to be that if you left a Stranglers show without being bloodied or bruised you weren’t really there (I still have the scar). Things are a little calmer now.

(5) Shonen Knife. These are the youngsters here today, another million selling act most Americans don’t know. Founded in 1981 these three young ladies epitomize Japanese pop music. They also epitomize raw punk. You see they do the, Cheap Trick influenced, girly stuff for their label, some very cute pop songs that sell kazillions, and then they pull out their strap ons and leathers (not literally) and go play live. It is here that I should mention that Shonen Knife literally translates to Boy Knife. That is not a flattering phrase for a penis, just in case you’re confused. To put it in some perspective they almost didn’t do a U.K. tour with Nirvana because they were scary looking men and they had no clue who they were (this was pre Never Mind). Here is Yamano’s take on the whole affair, ” … I went to a record store, and I bought their CD. And when I saw their photograph, I thought they might be scary persons, because their hairstyles and their clothes were very grunge. But once the tour had started, I noticed that all the members were nice, good persons. And because this was our first experience of a long tour, the drummer Dave [Grohl] helped us with setting up the drum kit.”

Yeah, the only thing cooler than having Trent Reznor be your tambourine player has got to be having Nirvana be your roadies.

So there you go. Click the links, play with fire, date a red head (only if you’re single), hell, do whatever you want, you’ve lived long enough to take a chance here and there.

As have they.

Beats Antique “Beauty Beats” from RadioPangea on Vimeo.

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First off I have to admit that I am friends with two, professional clowns. Specifically the legendary cow punk Pioneer, Pete Berwick, who moonlights as a clown for children’s parties. I am also friends with Happy The Drunken Clown who will come to your event and insult the living hell out of everyone. As you might surmise, he and Pete have slightly different target audiences. Still, they’re both clowns in the formal sense. In the 80’s I drove a forklift for Sears and was friends with the late Bobbo the Clown, who worked there as well. I was also an acquaintance of Hollie Stevens, the undisputed queen of clown porn until she passed away in 2012 from cancer. So, as you can tell, I do not suffer from Coulrophobia.

That’s why, last Monday, when the NY Daily News reported that there was a clown shortage in America, I noticed. So did a bunch of clowns.

Very angry clowns.

Andy Campbell has the story.

Did you hear the one about America’s imminent “clown shortage?” It’s not very funny.

A New York Daily News article claimed Monday that “a national clown shortage is on the horizon.”

But that’s a big, Bozo-sized comedy of errors, according to the greasepaint yucksters the tabloid quotes in its report.

The article draws a correlation between declining membership in two national clowning associations and the downfall of clownhood altogether:

“What’s happening is attrition,” said Clowns of America International President Glen Kohlberger, who added that membership at the [Minnesota]-based organization has plummeted since 2006. “The older clowns are passing away.”

The story goes on to point out that the other nationwide clown network — the World Clown Association — has seen its membership drop from about 3,500 to 2,500 since 2004.

Kohlberger and other circus types aren’t denying that their groups face dwindling membership. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t still plenty of clowns to send in — wherever a balloon needs to be folded or cream pie needs to be thrown.

“To say there’s a clown shortage, it’s just false,” he said. “Clowns of America International is a volunteer association. We don’t get paid, we educate and we help others … Like any association, people forget to renew [their membership], or they work in the field but don’t sign up. Unfortunately there are a lot of unprofessional clowns out there.

“But clowns are everywhere,” he added.

It would appear that proof of clowndom’s burgeoning success lies in the Daily News’ own article. The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is coming to Brooklyn on Thursday. There were 531 applicants for just 11 clown jobs last year, the tabloid reported.

A Daily News editor declined to comment for this article.

And yet, inaccurate or not, the article went viral and the story made an appearance on The Tonight Show.

As the old saying goes, any press is good press. Although Kohlberger was “very upset” about the article, it did “create excitement all over the world.” So who’s laughing now?

I’ll admit that fewer and fewer clowns are joining professional trade associations. That’s because they really don’t need them any more. Thanks to the internet and party planners the kind of social networking those associations provide is not really salient to getting work. It’s nice to hang with other clowns, if you’re into that sort of thing, but your membership fee isn’t going to get you any more work than you can get on your own.

Still, today’s story is happier than the time I had to share the bon mot of the ninja granny facing off against crazed clown attacker.

Yeah, that went about as well you might imagine.

By the way, this just in, Patrick Stewart is still a heterosexual. This despite the fact that some clown at the Guardian claimed he was gay because he knew gay people.

Stewart’s response is also what you’d expect.

Patrick Stewart ✔ @SirPatStew
@Poynter But @guardian I have, like, five or even SEVEN hetero friends and we totally drink beer and eat lots of chicken wings!

“fetish clown” from LuxFilm Factory on Vimeo.

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As things become more public the public learns to deal with them in one way or another. Unless you’re a lawmaker in Kansas, then you just try and make reality go away. It never works but, BY GOD, they do try. They actually have my favorite law in America. In an attempt to ban Sharia Law, a problem that did not and does not exist, they passed a law banning any religion from influencing the laws of their shiny land. A move which could legalize gay marriage there now. It’s called Senate Bill 79 or, as I like to call it, 10 More than Happiness. No one has put that sucker to the test yet but I bet someone will. In non-religious news, bestiality arrests have quadrupled since 2008. A large part of that is due to the public becoming more aware that this is a real crime and reporting it as such. In Florida, where they only recently made the practice illegal, and it took them four tries at that, courts are finally jailing people for the crime. And we’re talking serious time. One guy just got 8 years plus an additional 9 on parole. Of course, Florida is still the king when it comes to family values and boasts the only Mother/Daughter porn team in the world. More importantly, it seems that some people are walking among us without any social filters. Two women were arrested this week for trying to kill guys who wouldn’t have sex with them, one of whom was a complete stranger to the lady. When a headline features your name followed by the phrase “Goes On Bloody, Naked Rampage After Boyfriend Refuses Sex” you might want to rethink some of your life choices.

I’m just saying.

You might also want to send the editor a copy of an English textbook so they can learn how to use commas.

That being said, millions of men and women have worked out a way to keep themselves satisfied and out of trouble. They wander down to their local adult toy shop and pick up something to provide a little self pleasure and stress relief. If you’re not sure what you need you’ll find the staff very helpful. The choices can be daunting.

But we live in a universe that has entropy and, as such, things wear out. So what do you do when your self pleasuring device needs to be put down? You do what millions already do, you recycle it.

Aimee Heckel shares a lovely story about her husband, used dildos and earth friendly politics.

My husband was astounded by the number of phallic objects on the conveyor belt.

A few years ago, he volunteered to help sort junk at a recycling facility in Boulder County. As Colorado residents, philanthropy and recycling is a residency requirement, and/or punishment if you break the law. What brought him there isn’t interesting.

What brought him home is.

He came home near tears. The old sex toys! The ratty, strange, sticky, damaged sex toys! They kept coming, he explained. At first, a doodad on the conveyor belt was novel. Funny, even. Then more. Baffling. More. Violating.

That’s when we learned the hard way: You can recycle your ex’s Magic Wand. Collection centers can sterilize naughty castoffs and, well, grind the rubber and silicone down into skanky dust (not the official term) to be remolded into new goodies.

After a new sanitary layer of silicone, that is.

After his encounter at the recycling facility, my husband might request two protective layers.

Indeed, sex without a condom isn’t the only kind of sex that may make your lady bits cry. Your sex toys may be toxic. And not very alluring to the environment, either.

Increasingly more adult stores are offering nontoxic, green goodies (and I’m not talking about the color, not that there’s anything wrong with a Hulkavater, which surely exists). This new buzz of pleasure contains no PVC, animal products or phthalates, which some people fear may be linked to reproductive problems, including low sperm counts. Still, the FDA reports there’s not a “sound, scientific basis” for concern.

In respect for Oh-Mama Earth, green sex toys are also often made in the USA (with a smaller carbon footprint), sold in recyclable packaging and rechargeable, to reduce the number of batteries that end up in the landfill. You can easily find green sex toys online at eartherotics.com and ecorotic.com, just to name a few.

The local, handcrafted sex toy movement is growing, too. Etsy is bursting with handmade everythings — from floggers, to ticklers, to bed restraints, to hypoallergenic, phthalate-free, printed-to-order, hand-polished vibrators.

Jonathan Kasemir, of Longmont, Colo., started making hand-braided whips last February. He started his business, RavenTiger Whips, in response to his then-girlfriend’s request to experiment with BDSM.

“She wanted me to try whipping her, and I wasn’t going to spend and arm and a leg to get one if I wasn’t even sure I was going to like it,” Kasemir says.

Today, he says he can play the drums using two whips. (Literally. That’s not a euphemism.) In the last year, Kasemir says he has sold about 90 whips to Coloradoans, ranging from about $130 to $300 each, mostly via word of mouth, at social events and through BDSM social-networking sites. In fact, the demand is so great that he he has a two-month waiting list.

The whips, custom-tailored using parachute cord, take about seven hours to braid, he says.

Buying local has its benefits; Kasemir says clients enjoy picking the color, design patterns, weight, length, width and handle style. Plus, if something breaks, he can fix it for them. There’s one more bonus of buying locally, Kasemir says.

“I even help people learn how to throw their whips when they order them,” he says.

Yes, she’s right. There is a Hulk themed vibrator. Actually, there’s an entire line based on the Avengers. Earth’s mightiest and all that.

• Captain America – silicon vibrator
• Iron Man – twin motor vibrator
• Thor – electrical stimulator
• Hulk – 12” silicone dildo
• Black Widow – discreet clitoral stimulator
• Hawkeye – G-spot vibrator

And, as you can see from the above, business ideas can come from anywhere. Although, sadly, there is no follow up if the young lady enjoyed the sting of the lash even if many others have and do thanks to Mr. Kasemir’s entrepreneurial spirit.

And what do all those tons of recycle plastics get used in? A lot of them are in children’t playgrounds all over the country.

You’ll never forget that, I promise.

Okay Grandma, show the kids how it’s done.

Madonna – Erotica (Uncensored) from MstMst on Vimeo.

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