First off, kudos to Abigail Miller who posted a reward of smokes and beer for her lost dog. I had not thought of that before. Anyway, she got the dog back. The guy refused the reward so now she’s going to bring him a sandwich. I tell you this story so that you may remember that there is good in food. I’m reminded of that a lot since I give away a cookbook every year to anyone who’s smart enough to click this link. Again, good times. Now, I’m about to ruin all of that for you. First the good news, all of the below stories happened in red states because ….. well, I think it’s kind of obvious by now. Red states are where stupid goes to breed. Anyway, this country needs a group of people who think that minimum wage is for uppity folks. Without them we’d have no one to work all the orchards and pick all the cotton and …. oh, wait, never mind. They aren’t even that useful. Never mind. We’ll just have to rely on them for continuing to provide us pure comedy gold.
Let’s start at Wal Mart. In Florida.
God, I love Wal Marts in Florida.
Police in Punta Gorda, more on that in a moment, report that two senior citizens got into a fight in the express lane.
A man accused of assaulting another in a grocery store checkout lane has been checked into jail.
William E. Golladay, 77, was arrested on Saturday for allegedly attacking John Malherbe, 65, in the express lane at a Walmart in Punta Gorda, Fla.
Malherbe told authorities said that as he placed items on the counter, Golladay started counting them.
When the items exceeded the 20 allowed in the express lane, Golladay allegedly started yelling at Malberbe that there were too many items and he couldn’t use that register, NBC Miami reported.
Malherbe said he only had 22 items, but Golladay kept screaming at him to get out of the lane.
When Malherbe refused, Golladay allegedly slammed his shopping cart multiple times into Malherbe, who was riding on a scooter due to recent surgeries.
“I think it was the shock of… what? Are you serious? And I kept asking my wife, what?” Malherbe told WPTV-TV.
Although Walmart managers escorted Golladay out of the store, he returned and allegedly walked toward Malherbe “with both fists raised,” The Smoking Gun reported. Store workers interceded and steered Golladay outside so he could be interviewed by a deputy.
During his interview, the suspect was allegedly “uncooperative and was ranting about how the man in front of him was in the 20 item express lane attempting to purchase over 20 items,” the deputy reported.
Golladay was charged with battery on a person 65 years or older. He was booked into the Charlotte County jail and released the following day after posting $2500 bond.
Malherbe suffered minor injuries from the incident, but figures it was better him than someone else.
“What if it wasn’t me? What if it was a young lady? or somebody else,” he told WinkNews.com.
First off, Punta Gorda is Spanish for Fat Point. If you’re in the neighborhood tomorrow a guy named Charlie Tyler will be teaching residents about Shakespeare. Charlie has both been to and taught high school.
Okay, moving on to the appropriately named, but improperly pronounced, Waco Texas, I bring you the story of the nice man who stabbed his girlfriend for bringing home pizza instead of a chicken sandwich.
A woman was attacked by her boyfriend because she brought home the wrong lunch, police say.
The Associated Press reports that Michael Corsey allegedly stabbed his girlfriend with a kitchen knife after she brought home pizza, instead of the chicken sandwich he asked for.
Cops said the woman, who was also choked and hit in the face by Corsey, was treated for minor injuries.
Sadly, alleged attacks over petty arguments are far from uncommon.
Just last week, a pregnant woman blamed her hormones for allegedly attacking her roommate. The assault was sparked by a disagreement over butter.
And in what is surely one of the most absurd alleged assaults in recent months, a woman was accused in September of stabbing her ex-boyfriend because he refused to stop listening to the Eagles.
I’ve got that Peaceful, Easy Feeling …..
Actually, I kind of sympathize with the Eagles one.
Anyway, I guess I can see the nice rational man’s point. There is no good pizza in Texas.
Moving back to Florida, of course we are, a land where carving etiquette is a matter of state pride.
Barbecue usually inspires heated debate, not death.
Alvin Kenneth “Chico” Welch Jr., 35, is accused of beating Joshua Andrew Heinz to death with a baseball bat after they disagreed on carving techniques.
The incident happened last Saturday night at a football watching party at Heinz’ house in Jacksonville, Fla.
Welch was cutting meat for a take-home plate when he started arguing with Heinz over the proper way to slice it, Jacksonville.com reported. The argument got out of hand and Welch allegedly hit Heinz, 31, with the bat.
“The suspect after the argument took the baseball bat and basically fled,” Jacksonville Assistant Police Chief Chris Butler said, according to the New York Daily News.
Heinz was left lying on the floor of his living room with a large bruise on his head. He was conscious, but unable to speak. He died early Sunday morning, FirstCoastNews.com reported.
The two were acquaintances who had met each other about five times previously, Jacksonville.com reported.
Welch was arrested early Wednesday and is being held without bail at the Jacksonville jail.
I once saw two dudes get into a fistfight over how to create a dry rub.
Bar-B-Q is a very dangerous food style.
You might just want to avoid it all together from now on. Stick to safe foods like Fugu from now on.
“Nobody got murdered before lunch. But nobody. People weren’t up to it. You needed a good lunch to get both the blood-sugar and blood-lust levels up.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul