Archives for January 2014

Florida is a strange state. You know that, I know that, people with double digit IQs know it, yet Floridians themselves seem blissfully unaware of that fact. This is the state that encouraged people to hunt pythons with hand guns. Which is just as effective as hunting elephants with pebbles. Fortunately no one was killed. Why is there a python problem in Florida? Because they hold cockroach eating contests so poor people can own them too until the poor people realize they can’t afford the upkeep pythons require and end up setting them loose in the swamps. Where they kill lots of stuff because they’re hungry and they can. Then again this is the fun state that took four tries to outlaw bestiality and then promptly got sued by a citizen who argues, still, that denying him sheep sex infringes on his personal rights. I could go on and on but you get the idea. Clearly infringing on people’s rights is a no-no in Florida.

Kind of.

Thanks to the Stand Your Ground law killing people can be considered a hobby. But, if you’re a gassy kid you’re going to the big house.

No, I’m not kidding.

Christopher di Armani has the whole, bizarre, story.

Schools have always had their fair share of “problem children”, but we used to actually be able to cope with them in a reasonable and sensible manner.  Not so any more.   A scan of headlines across America for just this past week showed me some bizarre and horrifying examples of how we in North America are doing our best to instill an abiding sense of fear and terror of police into our children.

For example, the case of a 12-year-old student at Stuart’s Spectrum Jr./Sr. High School was arrested for farting in class.  Sure, the little puke was being disruptive.  He’s a 12-year-old boy for crying out loud!  He’s supposed to be disruptive at that age.  It’s in his DNA.

You kick him out of class until he settles down… maybe even send him home after a phone call to his parents, but to bring in the police and arrest the kid? Put him in handcuffs and parade him out like a terrorist?

That is so far beyond absurd I don’t even know what to call it.  Clearly police from the Martin County Sheriff’s Department need to get a life, or at the very least go find some actual criminals to harass.

If they’ve got the time to arrest 12-year-old farting boys, then perhaps Martin County doesn’t need a Sheriff’s Department at all.

I’m sure the intended lesson won’t be lost on this young man… “Obey or else.”

These police officers ought to be, at the very least, ashamed of themselves.  They would appear to have missed out on even the most meager portion of common sense.

The next case of gross police absurdity comes from Midway, Georgia, where police found it necessary to shut down a lemonade stand run by a couple of kids.

Believe it or not, Midway Police Chief Kelly Morningstar said, according toFox News, that “police didn’t know how the lemonade was made, who made it or what was in it.”

Now I’m no cop, but I’m willing to bet you that I could find out the answers to those questions inside of 60 seconds and have lots of room to spare, if I felt the need to grill these kids in the first place, which I don’t.

According to the good Chief Morningstar, the kids needed to have a business license, a peddler’s permit and a food permit before operating their lemonade stand would be legal.  That would only cost a total of $230.

They were trying to raise some money for a trip to a water park. How many lemonade stands do you know that are pulling in that kind of cash?

Common sense anyone?  Don’t ask Chief Kelly Morningstar for any – she’s clearly missed her quota as well.

Citing “the law’s the law,” Morningstar was quoted as saying.  Well Chief Morningstar… in this case, the law is an ass, as is your enforcement of it.

Last on my list of asinine police actions is the case of a 16-year-old student and cheerleader who was arrested for “stealing” her cheerleader’s uniform.

Seriously?

Have we no bloody common sense any more?

Well, there is some.  It comes from the attorney for the young woman, Terence Kindlon.

“I’ve been practicing law for over 35 years now, and I have to say without hesitation this is the most absurd criminal prosecution I’ve ever seen.”

The student from New Lebanon High School was arrested because her cheerleading coach said she stole her own uniform.

Wow.  She won’t give back the uniform?  Fine.  Charge her for it and make her pay for the lost items if she wants to keep them so badly.  Who cares?

Penny Black, the cheerleading coach in question, doesn’t have an issue with this sort of stupidity.

To quote another website:

Deputy Shufelt met with Amber and her mother before a criminal complaint was signed in an effort to reconcile the situation, according to the Sheriff’s Office, but Amber “repeatedly” refused to return the uniform.

“The owner then requested criminal charges be filed and after consulting with the Columbia County District Attorney’s Office, the defendant was charged with petty larceny,” said the Sheriff’s Office report.

Amber was asked to turn herself in and be issued an appearance ticket, according to the report, but she refused that request. Deputy Shufelt got a warrant for her arrest and Amber was picked up at her job here.

Arresting a cheerleader for “stealing” her uniform is just about the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard of.

Except, of course, arresting a kid for farting, or shutting down a kid’s lemonade stand because she doesn’t have a business license for it.

I must be old-fashioned or something, because none of this makes any sense to me.

To recap, killing strangers is good. Farting, selling lemonade or being a cheerleader is bad.

Oh, and eating cockroaches is fun too. Well, except for the giant mutant ones they let loose that have no natural predators.

I seriously wonder if David Lynch runs that state.

The last two examples, from Georgia and rural NY are also fun in a “gee, can you learn to pretend to be a human” sort of way. I say this as someone who walked into an Aryan Front bar in New York once. Stupid is everywhere folks. Remain vigilant.

Ebony in Pink from Adult Image on Vimeo.

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I know, as do you, that there are people out there who believe some odd things. Quite a few of them represent red states in the U.S. Congress. Others have talk shows on Fox. But the one thing most of us try to ignore is how those people got to where they’re at. In the case of our delusional congresspeople they were elected by a majority of constituents in their part of the country. In the case of the talk show hosts they are there because there are enough people who buy the crap they sell. Which means that there are people walking among us who have little to no grasp of what reality entails. They breathe the same air we do, see the same sun we do, and have access to the same information we do and they just choose to ignore or deny it all. It’s like the Taliban but without the subtlety.

Mark Morford at the San Francisco Chronicle has put together a compendium of really depressing stats.

Six percent of Americans believe in unicorns. Thirty-six percent believe in UFOs. A whopping 24 percent believe dinosaurs and man hung out together. Eighteen percent still believe the sun revolves around the Earth. Nearly 30 percent believe cloud computing involves… actual clouds. A shockingly sad 18 percent, to this very day, believe the president is a Muslim. Aren’t they cute? And Floridian?

Do you believe in angels? Forty-five percent of Americans do. In fact, roughly 48 percent – Republicans and Democrats alike – believe in some form of creationism. A hilariously large percent of terrified right-wingers are convinced Obama is soon going to take away all their guns, so when the Newtown shooting happened and 20 young children were massacred due to America’s fetish for, obsession with and addiction to firearms, violence and fear, they bought more bullets. Because obviously.

In sum and all averaged out, it’s safe to say about 37 percent of Americans are just are not very bright. Or rather, quite shockingly dumb. Perhaps beyond reach. Perhaps beyond hope or redemption. Perhaps beyond caring about anything they have to say in the public sphere ever again. Sorry, Kansas.

Did you frown at that last paragraph? Was it a terribly elitist and unkind thing to say? Sort of. Probably. But I’m not sure it matters, because none of those people are reading this column right now, or any column for that matter, because reading anything even remotely complex or analytical is something only 42 percent of the population enjoy doing on a regular basis, which is why most TV shows, all reality shows, many major media blogs and all of Fox News is scripted for a 5th-grade education/attention span. OMG LOL kittens! 19 babies having a worse day than you. WTF is up with Justin Timberlake’s hair?!?

It is this bizarre, circular, catch-22 kind of question, asked almost exclusively by intellectual liberals because intellectual conservatives don’t actually exist, given how higher education leads to more developed critical thinking (you already know the vast majority of university professors and scientists identify as Democrat/progressive, right?) which leads straight to a more nimble, open-minded perspective. In short: The smarter you are, the less rigid/more liberal you become.

Until you get old. Or rich. And scared. And you forget. And you clamp down, seize up, fossilize. And the GOP grabs you like a mold.

Oh right! The question: How to reach the not-very-bright hordes, when they simply refuse to be reached by logic, fact, or modern mode? How to communicate obvious and vital truths (conservation, global warming, public health, sexuality, basic nutrition, religion as parable/myth, the general awfulness of Mumford & Sons) the lack of understanding of which keep the country straggling and embarrassing, the laughingstock of the civilized world?

And who are these people, exactly? And are they all really in Kentucky and Florida and Mississippi? Are they all in the Tea Party? Is failing education to blame? A dumbed-down media? Reality TV? In the wealthiest and most egomaniacal superpower in the world, why is the chasm so wide?

There is no easy answer, but there is a great deal of irony. It is a wicked conundrum that you and I can debate the definition of elitism, whether or not it’s fair to criticize those who believe that, say, gay marriage means kids will be indoctrinated into homosexuality, or that evolution is still a theory, or that Jesus literally flew up out of a cave and into the sky, when the discussion itself is, by nature, elitist, exclusionary, requiring fluid, abstract thinking the very people we’re discussing simply do not possess, and therefore cannot participate in.

TLC used to stand for “The Learning Channel.” Thanks to deregulation it is now the home of shows called “Sister Wives” and “90 Day Fiancé.”

So much for edjumakayshun.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that every channel should be like PBS. But it would be nice if people tried to raise the bar a little.

And, as to real education I remind you that the majority of textbooks are manufactured in Texas where they, recently, did try and get creationism and evolution both listed as valid scientific theories. Of course in Louisiana they do actually teach them side by side without any hint of irony.

And let us not forget this gem reported by Susan Guyet from Reuters.

Up to 150 students at a Missouri high school that ordered “Slaughterhouse-Five” pulled from its library shelves can get a free copy of the novel, courtesy of the Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library, library officials said on Thursday.

The offer for students at Republic High School comes on the heels of the Republic School Board’s decision to remove Vonnegut’s novel and Sarah Ockler’s “Twenty Boy Summer” from the curriculum and the school library shelves.

“All of these students will be eligible to vote and some may be protecting our country through military service in the next year or two,” Julia Whitehead, the executive director of the Vonnegut library in Indianapolis, said in a statement.

“It is shocking and unfortunate that those young adults and citizens would not be considered mature enough to handle the important topics raised by Kurt Vonnegut, a decorated war veteran. Everyone can learn something from his book.”

Slaughterhouse-Five, considered Vonnegut’s most influential and popular work, is a satirical novel centered around the bombing of the German city of Dresden during World War Two.

The Republic School District took the move at its April 18 meeting following a complaint lodged by local resident Wesley Scroggins in the spring of 2010.

In his complaint, the Missouri State University associate business professor called on district officials to stop using textbooks and other materials “that create false conceptions of American history and government or that teach principles contrary to Biblical morality and truth.”

Neither Scroggins nor Republic School Superintendent Vern Minor were immediately available for comment.

Whitehead said she was talking with the American Civil Liberties Union in Missouri and Indiana to support the First Amendment rights of the students at Republic High School.

The offer of a free book to any Republic high school student who requests one is a way for the fledgling 7-month-old library, located in Vonnegut’s hometown, to show support, she said.

Yes, Wesley Scroggins is a moron and Vern Minor is a wimp. This is exactly when the school superintendent should use this as a teaching moment and explain what the First Amendment is and what it really protects.

It allows Mr. Scroggins to continue being a moron but it allows us the freedom to disagree with him.

Although, I can see why an enlightened gentleman such as Mr. Scroggins might have had a problem with the book.

Americans, like human beings everywhere, believe many things that are obviously untrue… Their most destructive untruth is that it is very easy for any American to make money. They will not acknowledge how in fact hard money is to come by, and, therefore, those who have no money blame and blame and blame themselves. This inward blame has been a treasure for the rich and powerful, who have had to do less for their poor, publicly and privately, than any other ruling class since, say, Napoleonic times.

Many novelties have come from America. The most startling of these, a thing without precedent is a mass of undignified poor. They do not love one another because they do not love themselves.
― Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

FREEDOM from Alessandra Video

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There are many unintended consequences. A quick search of the Interweb will keep you goggle eyed for hours. And most of them are bad. Really bad. Simple things like cutting funding for birth control can lead to the state spending millions on orphans and neglected kids. This is called “bad” in case you’re unsure. But not every unintended consequence is an opening into hell. For example, I have been shopping a novel, just like you, and it has earned me a couple of new friends who have made my life better. Still haven’t sold the book but their input has made it a better project and gives me a much better chance. Also, I have gotten coffee. I like coffee.

When you look at the title of today’s post you probably thought of something like the pic I posted. And that’s fine. A leisurely stroll through a fishnet fantasy never hurt anyone.. But, oddly enough, it is not our topic today. No, today is one of those unintended consequence things. This one turns out well.

Well, I can’t be depressing all the time.

John M. Grohol, Psy.D., of PsychCentral, a web site for mental health specialists, reports that cities are installing blue lights and people are stopping killing themselves and each other.

An intriguing, anecdotal finding was recently reported by some news outlets that the implementation of blue-colored streetlights has reduced both crime and suicides:

Glasgow, Scotland, introduced blue street lighting to improve the city’s landscape in 2000. Afterward, the number of crimes in areas illuminated in blue noticeably decreased.

The Nara, Japan, prefectural police set up blue street lights in the prefecture in 2005, and found the number of crimes decreased by about 9 percent in blue-illuminated neighborhoods. Many other areas nationwide have followed suit.

Keihin Electric Express Railway Co. changed the color of eight lights on the ends of platforms at Gumyoji Station in Yokohama, Japan, in February.

Since the railway company introduced the new blue lights, they’ve had no new suicide attempts.

This effect may be attributed to a few possible reasons (some of which are mentioned in the comments section of the article):

• The light color is new and unusual, causing people to act more cautiously in the area (as a person is unsure what to expect in the unusually-lit area).
• Blue is a light color almost universally associated with a police presence, suggesting it is an area of stricter law enforcement.
• Blue may be a more pleasant illuminating color to most people, as opposed to yellow, orange or red (according to some research, such as Lewinski, 1938).

In fact, the article quotes from a professor at the end, noting it may just be an “unusualness effect:”

Prof. Tsuneo Suzuki at Keio University said: “There are a number of pieces of data to prove blue has a calming effect upon people. However, it’s an unusual color for lighting, so people may just feel like avoiding standing out by committing crimes or suicide under such unusual illumination. It’s a little risky to believe that the color of lighting can prevent anything.”

There is a lot of research into the psychology of color, but not as much has looked into the color of blue illumination itself (as opposed to the color of an object or wall). But some research looking into short wavelength light (blue) has demonstrated that it is a potentially effective treatment for seasonal affective disorder (a seasonal type of depression; see for instance, Glickman, et al., 2006), and helps to reduce the stress response in fish (it hasn’t been yet tested on humans).

If this finding is robust and the behavior change associated with it is still prevalent a few years from now (when everyone has become accustomed to the new light color), it would be an interesting finding. A simple, inexpensive change might be effective in helping reduce at least one method of suicide (and reduce crime to boot).

What is interesting about this is the consistency. This has been happening for 13 years now and shows no sign of abating. They put up blue street lights and crime and suicides drop between 9% and 10%, depending on how you slice the data.

Plus there is anecdotal evidence that people in these areas are, in general, nicer.

As noted above there has been a ton of research done on the effects of colors on people’s emotions but very little done on the effects of light.

I will say this. I have a friend who suffered seasonal depression. He was just a mess in the winter. He tried several drugs over the years to minimal avail. Then, two years ago, his doctor suggested he try a blue light. He hit the hardware store, bought a few and installed them. He’s been fine ever since.

As he says, he doesn’t care if it is the silliest thing he’s ever done, he feels normal again.

Given the crime rate in America this seems worth a shot.

As it were.

Blue Light Special w/ The Real Classic from TheRealClassic on Vimeo.

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First off, before we begin, I’d like to clarify something that came out in the Eric Snowden documents. Former Canadian Cabinet Minister Paul Hellyer is one of those fun people who believes in UFOs and claims that aliens are living here. he, for reasns that make sense to some not named me, is quoted by the NSA in their records. That led some people to jump to the logical conclusion that Adolf Hitler helped tall white aliens take over the U.S. government. Which led the U.S. Government to issue a denial. Which, of course, is proof of the conspiracy. Yeah. Just go with it. Also in the land of the fun is a 40 year old guy who changed his name to Dick Chibbles and starred in the epic film Clown Porn. As you might imagine this led him to an exciting new career and multiple adult film awards which led to, the obvious career highlight, him doing Chewbacca drag in Star Wars XXX. A little something you might want to watch while you’re avoiding the cold.

But what if you’re like me. Still legal in over 23 states. What if you say “Up yours winter, I’m gong to ….” Well, what? You go to Germany, rip off all your clothes and throw yourself down a giant hill.

Well, that’s what I’d do.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Telegraph UK introduces us to the Naked Sledding World Championship.

Have you ever fancied getting all your kit off (well almost all your kit off) and hurtling down a hill on a toboggan watched by some 25,000 people?

No? Can’t say I blame you.

Yes? Well next month you have a chance to make your dream come true by taking part in what must be the most eccentric alternative winter olympics event ever devised – the Naked Sledding World Championship, now being hosted for the fifth time.

The event takes place – surprise, surprise – in Germany, a country famed for its love of all activities that involve FKK – Freikörperkultur (Free Body Culture, or plain nudity to you and me), and will be staged on Saturday February 15 on the slopes above the spa town of Braunlage in the picturesque Harz Mountains.

Held on a bi-annual basis, the Naked Sledding World Championship involves two races – one for men and one for women – the winner of each receiving a prize of €1,000 (£830) – and the prestige of being the best in the world for ballsy displays of bravado on the toboganning front. Given what they are doing – racing down a 90-metre-long iced piste – the dress code is helmets, boots – and underpants. But apart from that, those taking part are starkers (or should that be stark raving bonkers?).

In the past, contestants have been drawn from countries including Germany, Norway and Austria, but this year, those behind the event – the local RTL 89.0 radio station – are inviting two entries from Britain.

Competition for places will be tough. In the last championship, in 2012, from 5,000 entrants, only 30 were selected. And those that were certainly needed to be good sports: a crowd of 25,000 cheered them on as they raced down the mountain and even more are expected for this year’s event.

“This is not a race for the shy and retiring,” said a spokesman for chillisauce.co.uk, a UK-based event agency that specialises in arranging stag, hen and activity weekends away and which is inviting applications. “We’re looking for contestants who are up for a laugh. And although the selection policy in the past seems to be slightly skewed toward those who look good naked, don’t let that put you off.”

For those more interested in watching rather than participating, chillisauce.co.uk plans to lay on a trip to Braunlage for the weekend of February 15/16.

Bottoms up!

Chilli Sauce are the nice people who ran a dating bus that visited toilets. Well, a lot of my dates in the 80’s started that way so I can see the allure. If you click on their name it will take you to a page where you can learn to play soccer in swim fins or get a girl to lick your ….. lollipop.

Not for the shy.

Oh well, never let it be said that you came to this site and walked away bored.

Now get out there and get sledding!

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Warner Brothers and DC comics seem to be upping the ante lately. They announced a new Superman movie. Then they announced it was going to be a Superman Batman movie. Then it morphed into a Superman, Batman & Wonder Woman movie. Now comes the report that they have cast Jason Momoa as J’onn J’onzz, the Martian Manhunter. There are also reports that he might play Doomsday but those are silly. All Doomsday does is grunt and beat up buildings. He would be completely CGI in the movie. A dude in a rubber suit wouldn’t cut it. So now we have a Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter with a possible cameo from Doomsday movie. Well, whew, at least that’s nothing like a Justice League movie. Now, not that long ago in a land very near here, like about 3 feet from where I’m at at the moment, I wrote that it was quite possible that Warner was going to screw the pooch so bad with this next “Not” Justice League flick that the fallout could be awe inspiring. Think Lone Ranger meets John Carter of Mars level of bad. The kind of bad that could ring up a billion dollars in losses.

Now I’m not so sure.

The origin stories of the characters are pretty well known. They could pay lip service to them and move on. That would leave them some time to flesh out the characters and get in a good fight scene or two. I have reservations about busting out Doomsday in the first movie but I’ll defer judgement until I know more.

Also, from rumors I have heard, none confirmed, they may be planning a 3 movie story arc. That would justify busting out Doomsday as a villain in the first series.

A while back Darren Franich from Entertainment Weekly took on the idea of casting a Justice League movie. Back then it seemed silly, now it seems prescient. So let’s let Darren share his wisdom.

Remember when Zack Snyder officially announced his intention to put a Batman movie inside a Superman movie? On Wednesday, he got even more ambitious: Warner Bros. officially announced that Gal Gadot was playing Wonder Woman. We’ve all had a day to work through our complicated feelings about that news. But now it’s time to move on to more important things. Snyder’s incipient Superman saga always carried the implicit promise of bigger things: A whole multimovie mega-franchise focusing on different DC superheroes, all leading up to a franchise-knitting superteam film.

It took Marvel four years, three successful mini-franchises, and one nonstarter Hulk franchise to get to Avengers. Warner Bros. is clearly hoping to accelerate that timeline. Batman Vs. Superman Plus Wonder Woman points directly to a Justice League movie by Q3 2017, if not earlier. It’s equally possible that the studio has a more ambitious architecture in place: They could be plotting to launch their other superheroes in team-up movies from 2015 onward, with Ben Affleck on retainer to play Batman for half an hour in each movie, essentially serving as franchise booster rockets. (DC Comics has been doing this for years. Launching a new comic book? Put Batman on the cover as an issue 1 guest star.)

Whatever: The point is, casting for the rest of the Justice League has moved from an ambient years-forward possibility to an immediate probability. Which means it’s never been more important for us to collectively tell Warner Bros. how to cast the rest of the Justice League. It’s a tricky gambit: They need people who will form a fun ensemble right away, but who can also suggest a possible movie waiting to be built around them. (They require Ruffalo-Hulks; they could settle for Johansson-Widows; they need something better than Renner-Hawkeyes.) Forthwith, the best possible casting choices, with careful consideration given to extra-film details like “How will Twitter react?” and “How will they look on a panel at Comic-Con 2015?”:

Green Lantern
A tricky prospect, since audiences already rejected every conceivable thing about this character a mere two summers ago. But there’s a simple, clean solution to the Green Lantern problem: Pick a different Green Lantern. Let’s make the Snyderized Green Lantern into John Stewart, the former Marine-turned-galactic policeman. Stewart was the Green Lantern in the swell early ’00s cartoon, which means there are a couple recent generations who consider him the Green Lantern.

And no disrespect to Hal Jordan, but John Stewart might actually be a more interesting character. If nothing else, he would fit in better on an ensemble. Where Jordan is a cocky test pilot who crashes for a living, Stewart is a trained soldier. In recent years, he’s been specifically identified as a sniper: A tantalizing prospect, since it implies a Green Lantern who will use his ring in tiny-but-potent and incredibly detailed ways, rather than just making a big giant green fist.

Bringing in John Stewart also has the happy effect of making Justice League not just another movie about a bunch of white dudes plus one lady. There are too many good prospective Stewarts to choose from, but there’s a clear choice. Michael Ealy has been doing nonstop great work along the margins of rom-coms and short-lived TV shows for several years now. He was always going to be snapped up for either a buzzy network TV show or a buzzy film franchise. He went for option A, which means he’s currently stranded in the middle of Almost Human, single-handedly raising the show’s game.

On Almost Human he’s simultaneously the most likable character and the most deadpan character — an essential ingredient in a Justice League movie already overflowing with big burly personalities. Ealy is 40, old enough to play Stewart as a gruff professional who doesn’t like working with newbie Superman or vigilante Batman; but he looks about 25, young and fit enough to look good in a Green Lantern costume. (Which, by the way, let’s make it a real costume this time, and not an eyesore body-paint cartoon.) Best of all, Ealy has those steely eyes, which will be perfect for the introductory scene when we meet him on sniper detail in a secret sniper mission in Kahndaq.

Side Note: Yes, John Stewart has almost the exact same name as the host of the Daily Show. Warner should steer into the skid on this one. Immediately after casting Michael Ealy, they should release a video where Ealy prepares for his role — but due to a comical misunderstanding, he winds up starring in a trailer for a Jon Stewart biopic. Let’s call it Aaron Sorkin’s Jon Stewart: An American Life. Pause to imagine Ealy playing Jon Stewart opposite Ben Affleck as Tucker Carlson. This is how you win the Internet.

Aquaman
I’m so sick of the “Aquaman is Lame” meme. It’s a joke that became a certain kind of set-in-stone conventional wisdom that everyone agrees with and nobody ever questions. It’s also an idea that derives entirely from Entourage, which is another way of saying that it’s a stupid idea we should have stopped paying attention to years ago.

Detractors inevitably bring up the fact that he can talk to fish as evidence of lameness. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FISH THERE ARE ON THIS PLANET? I’m talking, like, a fleet of alien ships has most of the Justice League cornered in Metropolis, and then suddenly from Metropolis Harbor there’s a huge typhoon wave, and every killer whale on the planet rams straight into the alien fleet, destroying them. It’s like Free Willy combined with that scene in every Peter Jackson movie when a huge army attacks another huge army. Aquaman is so powerful, you guys.

We’ve already got a couple of strong-silent-handsome-brown-haired guys on this team. So Aquaman needs to be a bit different. I say play up his aggressive side: Give him the beard, consider the hook, maybe zero in on the idea that he only wants to protect his undersea world and doesn’t initially care about the surface world. Basically, you make him Thor with cooler powers, plus the embedded possibility that he and Wonder Woman could have a surprise stranger-in-a-strange-land warrior chemistry.

I say go with Joel Kinnaman, who can simultaneously look like a perfect human and a total weirdo. Like Ealy, Kinnaman has long been the best thing on a bad show. Kinnaman’s RoboCop looks questionable, but RoboCop’s not a real character. With Aquman, Kinnaman can leverage all the aggro-charm he shows on The Killing; the 6’2 actor can also quite literally stand up to Henry Cavill. Best of all, Kinnaman’s Swedish, so it will make total sense in the Aquman spinoff when Alexander Skarsgard plays Ocean Master.

The Flash
No question, this needs to be Matt Smith. There is no one else. The Justice League Fratboy Ubermensch Muscle Beach Association needs a charming nerd character, somebody who is good at making exposition sound like witty banter, someone who can be for Tumblr what the Cavill/Kinnaman/Affleck brigade is for Men’s Health/Esquire/GQ. Flash’s most popular alter ego is Barry Allen, a prototype for nerd-cool: A scientist, a comic book fan, has an out-of-his-league girlfriend frustrated by the fact that Barry is never on time.

Matt Smith doesn’t look much like Barry Allen, but we already have a blond guy. And casting Smith means turning Barry into a British guy. This is a scary move that is actually a genius move: It immediately removes the onscreen DC Universe from the necessity of constantly setting up more fake U.S. cities (bye-bye, Central City!), and it allows the potential Flash movie to film in incentive-happy London. It also gives Warner Bros. their own Hiddleston: An Internet-boyfriend British guy who will happily answer every question at the Comic-Con panel — hell, even the New York Comic-Con panel — while the bigger stars look on in wry amusement.

Smith has spent years on Doctor Who making techno-babble sound like prose poetry, a valuable asset to any superteam. And physically, Smith adds a new flavor to the mix. He doesn’t need to be a bulked-up megadude like other members of the team. Come on, just imagine the first scene where he discovers his super-speed powers — the look of terror on Smith’s face turning into wonder as he races through the streets of London, the moment he stops running and finds himself in the middle of the mountains of Tibet and says “Hello!” to a monk, who nods sagely back at him.

Hawkgirl
I know, I know. Listen: This movie needs women. More to the point, it needs a relatable female heroine: Someone to provide a real-world counterpoint to Wonder Woman, a walking icon of feminine power played by a former Miss Israel probably in something resembling a golden bikini.

There are more obvious choices to round out the onscreen Justice League. I love Martian Manhunter, but he has too many superpowers for a superteam that’s already ridiculously overpowered. For the first go-round, we need to emphasize how every member of the League has a very unique set of skills; Martian Manhunter has basically every superpower they have, plus shapeshifting, plus telepathy, plus he’s another last survivor of a dead planet. On a less-crazy note, Cyborg would add some teen-bait YA-ready drama to the cast — especially if you can get Michael B. Jordan before everybody else does. And I’m tempted to say the movie should really drill down into the ranks and bring in a comic-relief duo: Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, say. Or, even better, Fire and Ice, who have clearly defined powers that make for cool visuals.

But let’s be bold. Brave and bold. Let’s take a character with a goofy name and about fifty different origin stories and turn her into an essential piece of the Justice League puzzle. It’s not the first time that happened: The cartoon Justice League brought in Hawkgirl, at least in part because they just needed another gosh darn lady. (Adding in Hawkgirl means this could be the rare superhero movie that passes the Bechdel test.) And Hawkgirl’s tangled continuity is its own reward. When Snyder and his crew radically change Superman, fanboyswill inevitably whine. But literally any change they make to Hawkgirl will be a net positive.

So I say they zero in on a few key elements from Hawk mythology. Lose Hawkman: He’s boring. But let’s take one of the original key elements of his character and shift it over. Let’s make our Hawkgirl into a renegade archaeologist — think Tomb Raider — who discovers a mysterious artifact buried in an ancient pyramid/tomb/ruin. Let’s make one key change straight out of the Sam Raimi playbook: Instead of artificial wings, she sprouts actual wings as a result, which means A) you’ve immediately set up a nice dichotomy between Hawkgirl and the specimens of human perfection on the team and B) you set up lots of easy jokes about how hard it is to dress for wings.

In this way, Hawkgirl could also fill the one role we don’t have in Justice League yet: The everyman. So we need someone who can play Everyman but who is also a proven commodity as an action person. And not just any action: Where Wonder Woman can get by on superhuman strength, Hawkgirl needs to be a scrappy fighter. (Consider bringing in Michael Madsen as her old boxing teacher Ted Grant.) And it would be a big bonus if the actress in question is already attached to one franchise in a supporting role, which means that every press tour for that franchise will turn into a stealth Justice League press tour. And it would a double bonus if the actress worked with Zack Snyder before.

In that case, the choice is clear: Jena Malone, newly ascendant after her ace supporting turn as killer huntress Johanna Mason in Catching Fire. After a few years in the indie wilderness, Malone has re-emerged: She’s got a part in Paul Thomas Anderson’s Pynchon adaptation Inherent Vice, and is guaranteed at least a couple of standout scenes in the biggest movies of 2014 and 2015. Malone could give Hawkgirl some pathos (when she realizes those wings are stuck to her) but also some no-bull charisma (when she opts out of surgical amputation, deciding that she’d rather keep the wings, look weird, and fly).

There are plenty of other tantalizing possibilities — Emilia Clarke is almost right — but Malone is the clear choice. Pause to imagine the scene when Aquaman-Kinnaman dismissively says, “Aren’t you a little small to save the world?” and Hawkgirl-Malone floats three feet into the air and kicks Aquaman in the face. Aqua-Kinnaman: “I like her.” So will we.

Well, as you can clearly see, there is no plan to make a Justice League movie of any type. It’s just a little Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter with a possible cameo from Doomsday movie. They’ll probably shoot the whole thing on an i-Phone.

Let’s face it, Zack Snyder is the Daniel Hudson Burnham of film. If he’s going to do this, and at this point I see nothing else he could be making, then he’s going to go all in.

Which suddenly makes this an interesting project to watch.

Eminem – Superman Uncensored from EL FOXO on Vimeo.

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I don’t want to hate people and this is the internet so, before I begin, I ask that you click THIS LINK to restore your faith in humanity. It is the story of a litter of kittens who escaped the deadly cold by breaking into a maximum security prison. A place where the inmates have adopted them. Did I mention that it was maximum security? You know, serial killers and people like that? I just thought you should know.

Okay, anyone who knows me knows that I’m a huge fan of James Randi’s. He offered a million of his own dollars to anyone who could prove they were psychic or had paranormal powers. Thousands have tried, a couple have been interesting but none have come close to collecting. So, if you can really talk to the dearly departed I know where you can make a quick mil. Just make sure to grease the palm that guided you.

As I’ve noted before, my problem with psychics has nothing to do with teenage girls playing games. No, my problem is the adults who use their “gifts” to prey on the weak and desperate. People go to psychics when they are vulnerable. They’ve lost a loved one. Someone they love isn’t loving them back, and so on. In other words, people who are most susceptible to being conned. And make no mistake, psychics are nothing but cons.

Paul McMahom from the South Florida Sun Sentinel says one of the most egregious cons is now behind bars and a couple of million lighter in he wallet.

A South Florida “psychic” who told clients that she could influence everything from terminal cancer to the fate of frozen sperm, was sentenced to federal prison Monday and ordered to repay more than $2.2 million to her victims.

Nancy Demetro Marks, 44, of Fort Lauderdale, must begin serving her prison term of three years and nine months by Feb. 14. She pleaded guilty last year to her considerable role in a massive psychic fraud conspiracy led by her mother-in-law, Rose Marks.

Nancy Marks sobbed and apologized during her sentencing in federal court in West Palm Beach.

“I am very ashamed,” Marks told U.S. District Judge Kenneth Marra. “Even though I was raised [to be a psychic] I should have known better and I do know better now.”

Marks was one of nine family members arrested in August 2011 on allegations they operated a conspiracy that fleeced clients who came into their psychic stores in Fort Lauderdale and beside the famed Plaza Hotel near Manhattan’s Central Park.

Marks, who often used the name Joyce Michael or Michaels, admitted she told clients she contacted spirit guides and channeled God-given advice, promising to return victims’ cash when her “work” was done — then refusing to give it back.

Prosecutors said Marks was more culpable than most other members of the conspiracy, which included her daughter Vivian, 24, who is to be released from prison Sunday after serving four months.

But Nancy Marks was less responsible than her 62-year-old mother-in-law Rose, also of Fort Lauderdale, who faces a much harsher punishment when she is sentenced in March.

Rose Marks was the only member of the family who went to trial. Last fall, a jury found her guilty of being the ringleader of what prosecutors say was a more than $20 million fraud conspiracy.

Prosecutors say Rose Marks targeted and groomed the victim who lost the most money: best-selling romance novelist Jude Deveraux.

Federal prosecutors Roger Stefin and Larry Bardfeld said Marks preyed on clients at the most vulnerable times of their lives: during illness, bereavement and when their romantic relationships were breaking up. She passed along some clients to Rose Marks, claiming their cases needed her greater expertise.

Some of Nancy Marks’ former clients testified at Rose Marks’ trial, including British solicitor Andrea Walker, who told jurors she asked Nancy Marks to help win back her husband’s love and to prolong his life when he was diagnosed with a lethal cancer.

Marks told Walker she could help but never foresaw the bombshell: Walker’s husband, Brian, had secretly frozen his sperm and signed a contract with a former employee who wanted to bear his child, using in vitro fertilization, after his death.

Prosecutors said the Marks women exploited Walker’s desperation, milking about $900,000 from her between 2009 and 2011. Walker’s husband died and no baby was borne but the money was never returned either, prosecutors said.

Susan Abraham, an Englishwoman who lives in Spain, testified that she gave about $300,000 to Nancy Marks, starting in 2010. Marks convinced her that she and her husband, had been “competing warriors” during “prior lives” in the 1600s and that she was in danger because he had “murdered” her in that lifetime.

Rose Marks, who has been locked up since the September jury verdict, and her other daughter-in-law, Cynthia Miller, who pleaded guilty, are to be sentenced in March.

Nancy Marks’ defense attorney Michael Gottlieb asked the judge for a lighter sentence, noting that Marks, like most Roma, was the victim of prejudice, received little formal education and had few other job prospects.

Since her arrest, Gottlieb said, the mother of three has held down two “legitimate” jobs and is getting an education. He said she deserved credit for helping to persuade other family members to reach plea agreements with prosecutors, avoiding the taxpayer expense of trials.

“My client didn’t prey on any individual,” Gottlieb said. “People came to her.”

That last line is exactly what I was talking about. People came to her because she advertised that she could cure their ills. They went to her for help and she screwed them over worse than any hack job date you’d meet in a bar. she planned on how to screw people. Her whole reason for waking up in the morning was to fuck people over.

I’m not a fan.

Nor will I ever be.

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First off, kudos to Abigail Miller who posted a reward of smokes and beer for her lost dog. I had not thought of that before. Anyway, she got the dog back. The guy refused the reward so now she’s going to bring him a sandwich. I tell you this story so that you may remember that there is good in food. I’m reminded of that a lot since I give away a cookbook every year to anyone who’s smart enough to click this link. Again, good times. Now, I’m about to ruin all of that for you. First the good news, all of the below stories happened in red states because ….. well, I think it’s kind of obvious by now. Red states are where stupid goes to breed. Anyway, this country needs a group of people who think that minimum wage is for uppity folks. Without them we’d have no one to work all the orchards and pick all the cotton and …. oh, wait, never mind. They aren’t even that useful. Never mind. We’ll just have to rely on them for continuing to provide us pure comedy gold.

Let’s start at Wal Mart. In Florida.

God, I love Wal Marts in Florida.

Police in Punta Gorda, more on that in a moment, report that two senior citizens got into a fight in the express lane.

A man accused of assaulting another in a grocery store checkout lane has been checked into jail.

William E. Golladay, 77, was arrested on Saturday for allegedly attacking John Malherbe, 65, in the express lane at a Walmart in Punta Gorda, Fla.

Malherbe told authorities said that as he placed items on the counter, Golladay started counting them.

When the items exceeded the 20 allowed in the express lane, Golladay allegedly started yelling at Malberbe that there were too many items and he couldn’t use that register, NBC Miami reported.

Malherbe said he only had 22 items, but Golladay kept screaming at him to get out of the lane.

When Malherbe refused, Golladay allegedly slammed his shopping cart multiple times into Malherbe, who was riding on a scooter due to recent surgeries.

“I think it was the shock of… what? Are you serious? And I kept asking my wife, what?” Malherbe told WPTV-TV.

Although Walmart managers escorted Golladay out of the store, he returned and allegedly walked toward Malherbe “with both fists raised,” The Smoking Gun reported. Store workers interceded and steered Golladay outside so he could be interviewed by a deputy.

During his interview, the suspect was allegedly “uncooperative and was ranting about how the man in front of him was in the 20 item express lane attempting to purchase over 20 items,” the deputy reported.

Golladay was charged with battery on a person 65 years or older. He was booked into the Charlotte County jail and released the following day after posting $2500 bond.

Malherbe suffered minor injuries from the incident, but figures it was better him than someone else.

“What if it wasn’t me? What if it was a young lady? or somebody else,” he told WinkNews.com.

First off, Punta Gorda is Spanish for Fat Point. If you’re in the neighborhood tomorrow a guy named Charlie Tyler will be teaching residents about Shakespeare. Charlie has both been to and taught high school.

Okay, moving on to the appropriately named, but improperly pronounced, Waco Texas, I bring you the story of the nice man who stabbed his girlfriend for bringing home pizza instead of a chicken sandwich.

A woman was attacked by her boyfriend because she brought home the wrong lunch, police say.

The Associated Press reports that Michael Corsey allegedly stabbed his girlfriend with a kitchen knife after she brought home pizza, instead of the chicken sandwich he asked for.

Cops said the woman, who was also choked and hit in the face by Corsey, was treated for minor injuries.

Sadly, alleged attacks over petty arguments are far from uncommon.

Just last week, a pregnant woman blamed her hormones for allegedly attacking her roommate. The assault was sparked by a disagreement over butter.

And in what is surely one of the most absurd alleged assaults in recent months, a woman was accused in September of stabbing her ex-boyfriend because he refused to stop listening to the Eagles.

I’ve got that Peaceful, Easy Feeling …..

Actually, I kind of sympathize with the Eagles one.

Anyway, I guess I can see the nice rational man’s point. There is no good pizza in Texas.

Moving back to Florida, of course we are, a land where carving etiquette is a matter of state pride.

Barbecue usually inspires heated debate, not death.

Alvin Kenneth “Chico” Welch Jr., 35, is accused of beating Joshua Andrew Heinz to death with a baseball bat after they disagreed on carving techniques.

The incident happened last Saturday night at a football watching party at Heinz’ house in Jacksonville, Fla.

Welch was cutting meat for a take-home plate when he started arguing with Heinz over the proper way to slice it, Jacksonville.com reported. The argument got out of hand and Welch allegedly hit Heinz, 31, with the bat.

“The suspect after the argument took the baseball bat and basically fled,” Jacksonville Assistant Police Chief Chris Butler said, according to the New York Daily News.

Heinz was left lying on the floor of his living room with a large bruise on his head. He was conscious, but unable to speak. He died early Sunday morning, FirstCoastNews.com reported.

The two were acquaintances who had met each other about five times previously, Jacksonville.com reported.

Welch was arrested early Wednesday and is being held without bail at the Jacksonville jail.

I once saw two dudes get into a fistfight over how to create a dry rub.

Bar-B-Q is a very dangerous food style.

You might just want to avoid it all together from now on. Stick to safe foods like Fugu from now on.

“Nobody got murdered before lunch. But nobody. People weren’t up to it. You needed a good lunch to get both the blood-sugar and blood-lust levels up.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

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“Religious institutions that use government power in support of themselves and force their views on persons of other faiths, or of no faith, undermine all our civil rights. Moreover, state support of an established religion tends to make the clergy unresponsive to their own people, and leads to corruption within religion itself. Erecting the ‘wall of separation between church and state,’ therefore, is absolutely essential in a free society.” ― Thomas Jefferson

That’s as good a quote as any. Clearly the First Amendment, and the long history of abuses that led to it, has been completely forgotten. That whole separation of church and state is as much for the church’s benefit as the state’s. I don’t get to walk into your church and force you to worship Innana and you don’t get to demand that I live my life by your rules.

Since the main battle is taking place in Oklahoma I feel a need to share a story. I once needed to get my car fixed and I was cruising through Pernell Oklahoma and there happened to be a Pontiac dealership just outside of town. My wife at the time and I pulled into a motel, played 20 questions until the desk clerk was sure she wasn’t my daughter, and then got a room with a very limited selection of things to do. As in it was after 9 PM and there were no restaurants open, the local bar was (allegedly) miles away and the TV had 3 working channels. 2 were Fox news related. So we said the heck with it and called it a night. The next day I found out that the dealership opened at 7. I wanted out of this town and was there at 6:50 AM. My problem turned out to be simple but the mechanic was a little backed up so he said it would be an hour or so. Since I still smoked then and needed smokes I asked him what was my best bet. He pointed me to a trailer that was just outside the welcome to Pernell sign leading back into town. When I walked in I was greeted by an amazing site. There was the very fat man with a ahotgun sitting behind a bench. The trailer was full with porn, booze and smokes. You started walking at one end, picked up your purchases, paid at the other end and left. At 7:30 in the morning on a Friday I was 11th in line. When I looked at the parking lot I saw a lot of Pernell related church bumper stickers. I laughed for hours.

By now most of you have heard about the dust up in Oklahoma. The state capital erected a monument which features the Ten Commandments.Since they did this on state property people of other faiths demanded to be represented too. Because of the afore-referenced hypocrisy, they were told no.

Which has led, as it surely must, to Sean Murphy writing about the lawsuit between the Church of Satan and the Oklahoma legislature.

And, I can’t forget the 7 foot tall statue of Baphomet. Something that would go well in any home.

A satanic group unveiled designs Monday for a 7-foot-tall statue of Satan it wants to put at the Oklahoma state Capitol, where a Ten Commandments monument was placed in 2012.

The New York-based Satanic Temple formally submitted its application to a panel that oversees the Capitol grounds, including an artist’s rendering that depicts Satan as Baphomet, a goat-headed figure with horns, wings and a long beard that’s often used as a symbol of the occult. In the rendering, Satan is sitting in a pentagram-adorned throne with smiling children next to him.

“The monument has been designed to reflect the views of Satanists in Oklahoma City and beyond,” temple spokesman Lucien Greaves said in a statement. “The statue will also have a functional purpose as a chair where people of all ages may sit on the lap of Satan for inspiration and contemplation.”

The Satanic Temple maintains that the Oklahoma Legislature’s decision to authorize a privately funded Ten Commandments monument at the Capitol opened the door for its statue. The Ten Commandments monument was placed on the north steps of the building in 2012, and the Oklahoma chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union has sued to have it removed.

Similar requests for monuments have been made by a Hindu leader in Nevada, an animal rights group and the satirical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

In response, the Oklahoma Capitol Preservation Commission recently placed a moratorium on considering any new requests.

“Anybody can still make their request, but we’ll hold off on considering them until the lawsuit is adjudicated,” commission Chairman Trait Thompson said.

The push by the Satanic Temple has rankled elected leaders in this conservative state known as the buckle of the Bible Belt, who say such a proposal would never be approved by the commission.

“I think you’ve got to remember where you are. This is Oklahoma, the middle of the heartland,” said Rep. Don Armes, R-Faxon. “I think we need to be tolerant of people who think different than us, but this is Oklahoma, and that’s not going to fly here.”

While Greaves acknowledges the Satanic Temple’s effort is in part to highlight what it says is hypocrisy of state leaders in Oklahoma, he says the group is serious about having a monument placed there.

The group already has raised nearly half of the $20,000 it says it needs to build the monument.

“We plan on moving forward one way or another,” Greaves said.

Another Oklahoma legislator, Rep. Earl Sears, called the group’s effort “an insult to the good people of the state.”

“I do not see Satanism as a religion, and they have no place at the state Capitol,” said Sears, R-Bartlesville.

On its website, the Satanic Temple explains that it “seeks to separate Religion from Superstition by acknowledging religious belief as a metaphorical framework with which we construct a narrative context for our goals and works.

“Satan stands as the ultimate icon for the selfless revolt against tyranny, free & rational inquiry, and the responsible pursuit of happiness,” the website says.

Rep. Earl Sears is what’s called, in polite company, “confused.” If the Satanic Temple was NOT a religion they would have every right to be on the public way. It is precisely because they ARE a religion that they shouldn’t be there. Nor should the Ten Commandments. Nor should the Flying Spaghetti Monster or any other religious organization.

Otherwise the door is open to the very logical argument that those self same religions should contribute to the public good, specifically via taxes.

Hail Mary Full of Pain from anthelian on Vimeo.

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