Archives for 2013

Life choices. We all face them every day. Some would seem to be easy, like should I take the hair dryer into the shower and use it? Allegedly the answer is no. And yet, every year some schlub dies with a hair dryer in a shower. Because the whole interaction between electricity and water has never been examined. In Australia they created a video about many of the dumb ways you can die. I warn you now; if you click that link you will never unhear that song. It was clearly designed to be the equivalent of a perky nursery rhyme. It just happens to be a perky nursery rhyme about feeding your genitals to piranha and stepping in front of a moving train. Which, you do have to admit, are some pretty stupid ways to die.

Of course, not all people who die useless deaths are stupid. See this list of gems for example “A”.

Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila’s army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD–from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire–by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn’t get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition — but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare’s plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of “Organic Farming and Gardening” magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the “Dick Cavett Show”, while discussing the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged “I’m going to live to be 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” was only 72 when he appeared on the “Dick Cavett Show” in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus’ head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling “Complete Book of Running,” which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack….while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He’d only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

Okay, some are just ironic.

But firefighters in London are trying to stem a horror that has me baffled. Men who have intercourse with active toasters.

London firefighters have launched a public shaming campaign to stem the rise of locals summoning urgent help to remove foreign objects stuck on — or inside — their bodies, but the kinky topic is so taboo in America some top U.S. emergency workers won’t discuss the behavior.

Except in Los Angeles.

L.A. Fire Department medical director Dr. Marc Eckstein acknowledges that 911 operators do receive a small number of sexually bizarre rescue pleas and do dispatch ambulances, including instances in which they must assist men with heavy steel rings lodged around their private parts. 

In some of those scattered cases, Eckstein said, the firefighters, paramedics or emergency medical technicians use bolt cutters or, when necessary, the blazing torch of a plasma cutter to burn the rings off of the men’s penises.

“They have to be careful because the plasma cutters cause a lot of heat and sparks,” Eckstein said, adding he could not provide statistics on the number of such calls. He did emphasize, however, that the L.A. Fire Department receives high a number of other types of “inappropriate” 911 calls from local residents that tie up ambulances, fire trucks and personnel — resources that could otherwise be used for people in actual medical trouble.

When contacted for comment, officials at other emergency agencies struggled to answer if — as in London — they have marked an uptick in the rate of 911 calls or ER visits from Americans with foreign objects wedged into their rectums or folks with sensitive body parts jammed into kitchen appliances or other embarrassing orifices.

“I don’t have any statistics to that kind of claim or inquiry in New York City,” said Frank Dwyer, a spokesman for the New York Fire Department.

A spokeswoman for the National Association of EMS Physicians simply responded to the query with: “I’m just not sure where to go with this.”

But in London, fire officials aren’t holding their tongues about how they must perform tasks like freeing a man’s penis from a vacuum cleaner.

The London Fire Brigade has launched a public campaign dubbed “Fifty Shades of Red,” theorizing that an increase in such randy rescue calls in that city is perhaps propelled by the popularity of the erotic romance novel “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

The campaign simply urges people in London — especially guys — to exercise more common sense before inserting their manhood into gadgets made for cooking or cleaning. The brigade reports that it responded to 416 stuck-body-part calls in 2010-11, another 441 in 2011-12 and 453 in 2012-13. Among those emergency requests for assistance, 79 people were wearing handcuffs they could not remove.

To help fuel the agency’s gentle request to just stop doing these things, the brigade has added a dose of public shaming, often taking to Twitter to share some of these ambulance requests from people who have become oddly entangled.

Like this couple.

And like this man.

CBS late night talk show host David Letterman heard about the issue and decided Wednesday to dedicate a top 10 list to “Thoughts Going Through The Mind Of The Guy Who Had Sex With A Toaster.”

“Boy, I mean I can think of maybe a dozen things around the house I’d pick before the toaster, just off the top of my head,” Letterman said. “But that’s just me. I mean, everybody has different tastes.”

My tastes may wander a bit but they’ve never wandered into a kitchen and tried to seduce an appliance. In fact, as a general rule, I limit my penis placements to living humans of the opposite sex. But that’s just me. I mean, everybody has different tastes.

The Hoof & The Heel – “Fireworks” (NSFW) from Bryan Schlam on Vimeo.

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I’m not good around kids. Oh, I can be if need be but the things I like to do – drink, swear, frolic with naked women – are prohibited by a variety of state and federal laws, not to mention some social mores, in any situation involving kids. I suppose that’s for the best. Nevertheless, since parents are (in the main) reluctant to do the mattress mambo in front of their spawn they occasionally will ask someone to take their darling progenies elsewhere for a nonce or two. And since horny parents do not make good life choices, I have taken children away from their safe homes and into my world. Well, not into my world, that would be wrong, but away from their little safe havens. Since bars and strip clubs are off the list I tend to take them to zoos, museums, baseball games and parks. I also have a bad habit of introducing them to music and food, since I dearly love both.

Apology time.

Dear Tyrone, I’m sorry. I know that you think Burger King is too zesty and, thanks to an afternoon in Pilsen with me, your kids now shop for gourmet hot sauces at Whole Foods and I know that I introduced them to Stevie Wonder before you did, but your oldest was 9 then and they’re both in college now. We need a new topic of discussion.

My friend Enrique raised his kids to be good Catholic children who respect their elders and do good in school. They are all that. They are also avid fans of funk and bad horror movies thanks to me. And they are teaching their children the joys of grooving, Elvira and Svengoolie. Enrique’s grandson, who just turned four, does a mean version of Brickhouse. Unfortunately that fact was discovered when he busted it out during a lull at mass.

Oh well.

Everyone blames me.

But there are some things you can’t blame me for. Sebastian Murdock says that no matter how much I warped those kids, I was a better influence than the parents of these ingrates.

Sometimes, work can seem unbearable. Your boss doesn’t appreciate you, your co-workers suck, and you always stay late. But at least now you can take solace in knowing you aren’t these seven souls who lost their jobs. Share this with Mark in accounting and laugh about how you “can totally see Brett getting fired that way.”

• 1
  These KFC Sink-Tubbin Gals
  /div>

  Chicken breasts weren’t the only thing simmering at this KFC. Two female employees at KFC decided to go for a swim in the company sink, later uploading the pictures to Myspace with captions including “haha KFC showers!” and “haha we turned on the jets.” They forgot the caption: “haha we’re so fired!” because that’s exactly what happened once the manager found out.
• 2
  “Weedpriest” Subway Worker Puts Penis On Bread
  

  In a story broken by HuffPost Weird, a Subway worker was seen defiling a foot longwith his less-than-a-foot-long after posting images of it on his Instagram. Ian Jett copped to putting his penis on the bread in an exclusive interview with HuffPost, and was later fired by Subway.
• 3
  This News Anchor Who Couldn’t Make It One Day Without Dropping An F-Bomb
  Ever have one of those days? Newbie reporter A.J. Clemente made his debut and said his goodbyes his first day on the job at KFYR in North Dakota. In the video,Clemente can be heard saying “F—ing sh-t,” before being introduced. If that’s not bad enough, Clemente had a rather…awkward time introducing himself after the slip up.
• 4
  This Guy Who Called His Boss A “Serial Masturbator”
  ReactionGIFS
  A South African 23-year-old man was fired after calling his boss a “serial masturbator” on Facebook, AFP reported. Hilarity aside, (and it is pretty hilarious) the man probably should have kept that thought to himself — or at least off Facebook.
• 5
  This Woman Who Called Obama The N-Word, Hoped He’d Get Assassinated, And Didn’t Really Seem To Get What The Big Deal Was
  Denise Helms, a California Cold Stone Creamery worker, was fired after she posted on Facebook: “And another 4 years of this [n-word], maybe he will get assassinatedthis term…!!” On the off-chance Obama got assassinated: “I wouldn’t care one bit,” she told Fox 40 News. She then said: “OK, but what did I do wrong?” Oh, honey. So much. You did so much wrong. Cold Stone later tweeted saying Helms was fired.
• 6
  This Drunk Gym Teacher
  
  Erik Schock, a former Washington middle school gym teacher, was fired after administrators reported his breath reeked of alcohol and his speech was slurred. It was estimated that his blood alcohol level was a whopping .15. In a truly alpha move, Schock is actually seeking to get his job back because he did not engage in “flagrant misconduct” as defined by state law. Look, we get it — we’d be getting wasted if we had to deal with children all day too, just not if it was our job to responsibly look after and teach them.
• 7
  This Guy Who Peed On His Coworkers Chairs…For 5 Months
  West Des Moines Police
  Raymond Foley, a 59-year-old IT worker at Farm Bureau Financial Services, was caught on surveillance video allegedly urinating on four female co-workers’ chairs over the course of at least five months. He was suspected of going through the company’s database of worker profiles, picking out the most attractive females, then whizzing on their seats. Listen, guy: there are better ways to flirt with pretty girls. You could start by, for instance, doing literally anything other than peeing on their chairs. They don’t like it. Foley had the piss taken out of him when he was promptly fired, then arrested.

Give yourself a round of applause and knock back a drink, chances are you’ve never lost a job through this level of incompetence!

YEAH! You’re not an ingrate!

I do have to admit one thing. In all my years of hitting on women it never once occurred to me to pee on their chairs as a way of introducing myself.

I must be getting old.

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I know a group of teachers. Several are, individually, my friends. We laugh, we talk, we discuss arcana, we share alcohol, in other words we do the stuff that people who like each other’s company do. That’s individually. Yesterday they were a group. When I walked in the lady on my left turned to her left. The man to my right turned to his right. They had effectively turned their backs on me. The message, ‘you are not of us and thus must be shunned’ was clear. From Emperor Penguins, to chimps on the Savannah, to biker gangs to knitting circles, the urge to surround ourselves with our own is strong. I believe, and have stated often, that if we are to succeed as a species it is an urge we must overcome. Being proud of who and what you are need not come at the expense of others. And right now, proof of what I am saying is being writ large on the national stage. Worse, it has echoes of some very dangerous times.

In 1923 a guy named Adolph led a couple thousand men into a beer hall and demanded all sorts of stuff. The event, called the Beer Hall Putsch was such a dismal failure that dear old Adolph was the laughing stock of the country. He was derisively called “the little man” (which in German implicates the penis as well as the man sporting it) and was written off by the learned among the masses. Ten years later he was running the country and leading it into a world war.

In 2003 Dr. Lawrence Britt examined the fascist regimes of Hitler (Germany), Mussolini (Italy), Franco (Spain), Suharto (Indonesia) and several Latin American dictatorships. He found 14 defining characteristics common to each. I have added commentary under each.

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism – Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottos, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights – Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of “need.” The people tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.
– All you need to know here is that the Tea Party is adamantly pro death sentences even in cases where the defendant is later proved innocent. Better safe than sorry is their motto.

3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause – The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.
– Google Obama Muslim for all you need there.

4. Supremacy of the Military – Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.
– This one gets a little murky since we seem to be fighting several wars at once. That being said, they were all started by a staunch conservative who disregarded facts.

5. Rampant Sexism – The governments of fascist nations tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Divorce, abortion and homosexuality are suppressed and the state is represented as the ultimate guardian of the family institution.
– All I need here is the phrase “transvaginal ultrasound.”

6. Controlled Mass Media – Sometimes to media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common.
– Hello Fox News

7. Obsession with National Security – Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.
– Hear anyone asking for a border closing lately? Of course you have.

8. Religion and Government are Intertwined – Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed
to the government’s policies or actions.
– The minister who prayed that God would kill presidnet Obama now is demanding that all gay people be killed. No one really expects someone wielding a bible to actually have read it anymore.

9. Corporate Power is Protected – The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.
– Hello Koch Brothers.

10. Labor Power is Suppressed – Because the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.
– Hello Michigan, Indiana, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama & Arizona.

11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts – Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts and letters is openly attacked.
– Hello again Fox News.

12. Obsession with Crime and Punishment – Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations.
– Hello Sheriff Joe.

13. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption – Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders.
– Hello Clarence Thomas.

14. Fraudulent Elections – Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.
– Hello Florida circa 2000.

Dr. Britt was looking at history. I’m not.

Ignoring the name calling for a moment, the similarities are frightening.

Make no mistake the Nazi’s of old were never the majority. Even when Hitler rose to power the majority of Germans derisively kept calling him “little man.”

There is no singular leader for the Tea Party yet, despite what Ted Cruz thinks, so they’re just malformed blobs of hate. But that could change in a heartbeat. Like the Nazis the Tea Party is well funded by people who want unfettered access to power. Like the Nazis the Tea Party faithful will ignore anything that contradicts their world view, even when said contradiction is clearly proved. The Nazis had the Jews as scapegoats for all they deemed evil and the Tea Party has Muslims, but that seems to be the only difference.

They both enjoy gay bashing and hating anyone with darker skin. Which makes Clarence Thomas one very confusing man.

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In a world where Monsanto is allowed to exist … scratch that, in a world where Monsanto owns their own Supreme Court Justice it should not come as a surprise that bad things can and will happen. The only surprise is that they don’t happen more often. I wrote about the recent appearance of Zombees, which are exactly what you think they are, and how the world’s food supply could be eradicated very quickly. I also wrote about even the most organic of farms were being polluted by genetically altered seeds and pesticides. Things have gotten so bad that the corpse flower, named for it’s fun smell, is nearing extinction and is being kept alive primarily in botanical gardens. That’s right, a flower that smells like decaying flesh so that it can attract insects is dying out. Because it’s not eating. And it’s kind of delicate and we are destroying the environment. None of those items are good news. The only good news I got for you today is that the Utica police saved an imaginary puppy. It seems a sewer line broke and made a sound like a dying dog. Someone is probably going to have to fix that.

Now, obviously, no story about nature wold be complete without angry sheep, and they’re the most normal thing I got today.

Shepherds led a flock of 2,000 sheep through Madrid on Sunday in defense of ancient grazing, droving and migration rights increasingly threatened by urban sprawl and modern agricultural practices.

Tourists were surprised to see downtown traffic cut to permit the ovine parade to bleat — bells clanking — across some of Madrid’s most upmarket urban settings.

Since at least 1273, shepherds have had the right to use droving routes that wind across land that was once open fields and woodland before Madrid mushroomed to the great metropolis it is today.

Every year, a handful of shepherds defend that right in Spain’s capital city. Following an age-old tradition, they paid 25 maravedis — coins first minted in the 11th century — to city hall officials to use the crossing.

Shepherds have a right to use around 78,000 miles (125,000 kilometers) of ancient paths for seasonal livestock migrations from cool highland pastures in summer to warmer and more protected lowland grazing in winter.

The movement is called transhumance and in Spain up until recently involved close to 1 million animals a year, mostly sheep and cattle.

Modern farming practices and the use of faster road transport are increasingly confining animals to barns or trucks, because shepherding is costly and time-consuming, according to the Ministry of Agriculture, which has promoted the colorful annual Transhumance Fiesta in Madrid since 1994.

Spaniards are proud of their centuries-old sheep rearing traditions and hold the native Merino breed of sheep in high esteem.

Merinos have gone on to form the backbone of important wool industries in places such as Australia and South America.

Madrid became an important urban center when King Philip II chose it as the capital of his vast empire in 1561. Some paths have been used for more than 800 years and modern-day Madrid has sprawled to engulf two north-south routes. One that crosses Puerta del Sol — Madrid’s equivalent of New York’s Times Square — dates back to 1372.

Madrid is a beautiful city with a crappy airport. Seriously, it had to be designed by Timothy Leary on a bender. But the one thing I loved about Madrid is its blend of urban and rural. From the airport you could see restaurants and farms. There was a nice balance to it all. However, even a few years back, the urban was doing all it could to pave over the rural. That never ends well.

And when things go wrong they can go dangerously wrong. Like this little bon mot proves. Turtle ends up in traffic, man stops to save turtle, man nearly killed by poisonous snake.

A man was bitten by a rattlesnake while trying to help a stranded turtle across Interstate 75 in South Florida.

Miami Dade Fire Rescue reports that the man was placing the turtle into the grass by the side of the road Tuesday afternoon when the venomous Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake bit his hand.

The Miami Herald (http://goo.gl/6Uvy6n) reports that a friend immediately drove the 24-year-old man to a nearby hospital, where he was being treated with anti-venom. As of Tuesday night, the venom was only affecting the victim’s left arm.

On Saturday, a ranger at Everglades National Park was bitten while trying to remove a snake from a storage closet. He was treated at a Homestead hospital.

Florida; it’s not just for pythons any more.

But nothing screams NATURE HATES YOU than being run over by an SUV driven by a bee.

A Packwood woman was stung by a bee as she was getting into her SUV, and then while trying to get away from the bee she fell to the ground and the car ran over her leg.

Police Sgt. Rob Snaza told The Chronicle (http://bit.ly/16RrleG ) her car continued down the street Sunday and hit a parked car.

The 56-year-old woman, Donna L. Rowe-Breidstein, was taken to Morton General Hospital and later airlifted to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle with leg and ankle injuries.

Okay, not actually driven, but still kind of scary. Then again, given what we’re doing to bees, can you blame them?

Of course, if you think bees are angry, check out these Chinese hornets. They’re cappin’ asses and ignoring names.

Check out this story from Madison Park, Dayu Zhang and Elizabeth Landau over at CNN

Hornets have killed dozens of people in China and injured more than 1,500 with their powerful venomous sting.

The Asian giant hornet, known scientifically as Vespa mandarinia, carries a venom that destroys red blood cells, which can result in kidney failure and death, said Justin O. Schmidt, an entomologist at the Southwest Biological Institute in Tucson, Arizona.

But perhaps a bigger problem than the toxicity of the venom is allergy, Schmidt says. Some people are naturally more allergic to stinging insects than others; a sting can trigger a deadly anaphylactic reaction, which may involve airway closure or cardiac arrest.

Since July, hornet attacks have killed 42 people and injured 1,675 people in three cities in Shaanxi province, according to the local government. Among those attacked, 206 are receiving treatment in hospitals.

What are these hornets?

In person, the Asian giant hornet, which is the largest hornet species in the world, looks like “the wasp analog of a pit bull” with “a face that looks like you just can’t reason with it,” said Christopher K. Starr, professor of entomology at University of West Indes in Trinidad & Tobago.

These hornets are found throughout East and Southeast Asia, in countries such as in China, Korea, Japan, India and Nepal.

And they’re big. The giant hornet extends about 3.5 to 3.9 centimeters in length (1.4 to 1.5 inches), roughly the size of a human thumb, and it has black tooth used for burrowing, according to an animal database at the University of Michigan. The queens are even bigger, with bodies that can grow longer than 5 centimeters (2 inches).

The species feed their young the larvae of other insects and use their mandibles to sever the limbs and heads of their prey.

The giant hornets are attracted to human sweat, alcohol and sweet flavors and smells. They are especially sensitive to when animals or people run, according to Xinhua.

Every breeding season, the giant hornets produce an average of 1,000 to 2,000 offspring, Schmidt said. They feast on other insects such as wasps and bees, launching coordinated attacks on the hives of their prey.

Most hornet hives or nests are tucked away in secluded places, such as tree hollows or even underground.

“It’s very difficult to prevent the attacks, because hornet nests are usually in hidden sites,” said Shunichi Makino, director general of the Hokkaido Research Center for Forestry and Forest Products Research Institute in Japan.

Asian giant hornets and other terrifying creatures

What is the human impact?

Over the summer and early fall, hornets have invaded schools full of children and descended upon unsuspecting farm workers in China.

One of them is Mu Conghui, who was attacked in Ankang City while looking after her millet crop.

“The hornets were horrifying,” she told Xinhua, the Chinese state-run news agency. “They hit right at my head and covered my legs. All of a sudden, I was stung, and I couldn’t move.

“Even now, my legs are covered with sting holes.”

Two months, 13 dialysis treatments and 200 stitches later, Mu still remains hospitalized and unable to move her legs.

Makino, who specializes in entomology, warned that the sting from an Asian giant hornet was severe compared with those of other insects.

The influx of venom to the human body can cause allergic reactions and multiple organ failure, leading to death. Patients like Mu have been receiving dialysis to remove the toxins from their bodies. In photos, patients bore deep, dark craters scattered across their limbs, the size of bullet wounds.

Dr. Wang Xue, director of the intensive care unit at First Affiliated Hospital of Xi’an Jiaotong University and an expert of the provincial hornet sting treatment guidance unit, warned in a Shaanxi government release that hornets tend to be aggressive and more active during September and October, their breeding season. The hornets do not go into hibernation until December, according to local government authorities.

Local authorities have deployed thousands of police officers and locals to destroy the hives. About 710 hives have been removed and at least 7 million yuan (about $1.1 million U.S.) sent to areas affected by hornets, according to a government press release.

Why so many attacks now?

The spate of attacks could be caused by the unusually dry weather in the area, authorities say. The arid environment makes it easier for hornets to breed. Urbanization could also be a contributing factor, as humans move into hornets’ habitats.

Some experts cited in Xinhua stated additional factors such as increased vegetation and a decrease in the hornets’ enemies, such as spiders and birds, because of ecological changes.

In other words, it’s a good season for the hornet population, which makes it a bad season for people who encounter them.
The provincial government of Shaanxi has warned residents to wear long sleeves when outdoors and not to attempt to drive the swarms away or remove the hives.

Japan is familiar with Asian giant hornet stings, too. About 30 to 50 deaths are reported each year in Japan from such attacks, according to Japanese studies. Most of the deaths are due to allergies to the venom, Makino said.

The giant hornets are also destructive to western honeybees. Research in Japan suggests that tens of thousands of honeybee hives are damaged by the giant hornets each year.

How to protect yourself

People run into trouble when these hornets form a nest: a basketball-shaped nest that looks like it’s made of gray paper, sometimes under an eave, Schmidt said. If you disturb one of these, or happen to whack a tree that has a nest in it, the hornets may respond as if they’re under attack.

Humans can get themselves in danger by reacting poorly to these large hornets. If you see a nest or a hive, just avoid it, Schmidt says. If one of them buzzes around you, don’t panic.

“Don’t flap or scream or freak out,” he advised. “Just calmly walk away.”

One victim told local media this month that “the more you run, the more they want to chase you.” Some victims described being chased about 200 meters (656 feet) by a swarm.

An area of research that hasn’t been explored is how many people get stung by these hornets while taking down a nest in order to use the larvae as fish bait, or even to eat. The larvae do not have venom, Schmidt explained. But in general, people should not tamper with these nests.

As powerful as their sting can be, it is highly unlikely that these hornets would travel all the way to the United States to find a new home, Schmidt said, or in the United Kingdom for that matter. To go to Western Europe, they’d have to cross some “nasty deserts” to which they are not adapted.

As deadly as live adult giant hornets can be, some people don’t shy away from them altogether.

There is a sports drink in Japan called VAAM that incorporates amino acids derived from hornets.

In Taiwan, where the giant hornet is known as the “tiger head,” the insect is sometimes used in alcoholic drinks, Starr said, the idea being that “the essence of this great big strong hornet will go out into the booze, and when you drink it, you’ll become strong.”

That’s one way to get a buzz.

Yeah, 42 people dead, let’s go for the easy joke. Yet another reason CNN’s spinning down the drain.

That aside, there’s a whole lot of screwed up in today’s blog. I mean even more screwed up than Fox News comparing the Palestinian/Israeli conflict to a Cowboys game.

And, yes, they did that.

I can’t wait to see how nature responds to that.

NSFW Nature Nourishes Male and Female Body Paint by Roustan Bodypaint from Roustan on Vimeo.

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First, a letter. Well, an email, but you know what I mean.

Dear Bill:

My wife and I’ve been listening to you and Brian for about a year. You’ve found funny things in odd places but not even you can find anything funny about the shut down.

Keep laughing.

Gary & Shiela Walker

Actually, it’s Ryan. Not that he’d care, I just feel that we should always strive for honesty in our conversations. Anyway, ye of little faith, I can get laughs out of the Old Testament.

Q: Where in the Bible is baseball mentioned?
A: In the book of Genesis: it starts “In the Big Inning ….”

Cheap laughs, I’ll admit, but laughs nonetheless.

Christopher Harress notes that the shut down isn’t just affecting Americans. No, really, there are these people on this planet, walking around and breathing our air, who are not Americans. It may seem impossible, but it’s true. You’ll just have to trust me on this.

As the partial U.S. government shutdown enters its second week, there seems to be little progress from either the Republicans or the Democrats to end the crippling standoff. After hundreds of thousands of federal workers were sent home, America started to feel the ripple effects, ranging from concerns by federal workers about meeting their financial obligations to local businesses in and around Washington, D.C., losing income.

1. Some European cemeteries are shut.

The United States has 20 cemeteries in Europe that hold the remains of about 125,000 fallen soldiers, mostly from the two world wars. The cemeteries that are paid for by the federal government will now remain closed until an agreement can be reached.

2. Some banks are trying their best to help.

Federal customers at TD bank received a surprise then the Canadian bank announced that it would give federal employees a $1,000 overdraft facility for free. But after Nov. 2, the recipients must pay it back or face the usual fees.

3. Military meat market.

Soldiers at Fort Campbell, Ky., reported seeing people stacking up on meat products because the store would not be stocking once they ran out. There is a Wal-Mart outside of the base, but the meat there is more expensive.

4. How will they keep the Canadians out?

Montana shares the second-longest U.S. border with Canada, after Alaska. The 545-mile stretch is now only manned by one person after the remaining people in Commissioner Kyle Hipsley’s Border Patrol team were furloughed. Similar situations exist all along the 5,525-mile border.

5.Iranian sanctions.

The Office of Foreign Assets Control has been depleted to the point that it is unable to continue enforcing the sanctions. “Note, our ability to do that, to enforce sanctions, to stop sanction evaders, is being hampered significantly by the shutdown,” the agency’s head told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee on Thursday.

6. Any events in national parks are off.

The Grindstone 100 race that was due to go through the southern Appalachian mountains in West Virginia has had to be called off in what would have been its sixth and biggest year. The race has never been run in less than 17 hours.

7. Free food.

Cafes and restaurants are offering federal workers free food. Many of the establishments are trying to get rid of leftover food and using up pre-ordered stock.

8. Some museums are actually benefiting.

Now that the Smithsonian is shut, federal workers with time on their hands have been visiting other Washington, D.C., institutions that normally don’t get so much traffic. The International Spy Museum has reported a 30 percent increase in visitors over the last week. The National Geographic Museum has experienced a spike, as have the Newseum, the National Building Museum and the Phillips Collection.

9. Cancer cure must wait.

The National Institutes of Health has had to turn away cancer patients who volunteer themselves for trials of experimental drugs after other treatments have failed. The Maryland-based institute turned away 200 people in a week.

10. T-shirt sales.

Satirical T-shirts making fun of the shutdown have been generating income for Raygun, a Des Moines, Iowa, T-shirt printer. Founder Mike Draper has sold a couple of hundred every day since the shutdown. Slogans include: “The shutdown 2013 – no productivity, no mercy” and “Furloughed, non-essential employee. Don’t ask me, it’s my day off.”

My guess is that most of you didn’t know that America operated cemeteries on foreign soil. And, let’s be honest, there’s a lot of whimsical and useful information in Christopher’s article. But coming here for whimsy is like going to a car wash for a bagel.

So let’s get to the important stuff. Kate Abbey-Lambertz reports that, as a woman who writes about women and government it was her obligation – nay, her patriotic duty – to try one of the free vibrators being given to government workers.

That ain’t no government cheese.

That’s a government cheesy grin.

This might be one of the only good things to come out of the ongoing government shutdown. Any furloughed employee looking to keep her hands busy can now get a little extra personal satisfaction while stuck at home: namely, in the form of a free, 5-inch pink vibrator.

Vibrators.com is giving away as many as 200 sex toys daily to government employees during the shutdown. The promotion, which began last Friday, started slow, with 400 vibrators given away over the course of the weekend. On Monday, Vibrators.com turned up the speed, filling out orders of their daily stock of 200 toys before noon.

Tom Nardone is the president of PriveCo, which runs Vibrators.com and several other websites that sell items the more-easily embarrassed might not buy in public, much less find with ease: ShopInPrivate.com, for example, sells everything from hair remover to pubic wigs (really). The vibrators they’re giving away, Nardone said, are the same ones they usually include as a free gift with orders on their various sites. That means they’ve been thoroughly tested in the lab of PriveCo’s Troy, Mich. warehouse … and they’re also user-approved.

“We’re real picky,” Nardone said. “There’s 20,000 vibrators on the market, and we choose the best, like, 350. That’s our brand position. When we went looking for a free vibe to give away we brought in a bunch of different vibrators and tested them all, and you can’t get too powerful for the wand, AA battery size, but this one is quite powerful and it’s quite quiet so we really like it. It’s a good vibrator. For free, it’s amazing.”

Nardone said they could continue offering the free vibrators to government employees even if the shutdown were to last through December.

“We buy them by the pallet,” he said. “I think right now we have 17,000 of them on hand. So I was like, maybe we should give a free vibrator to federal employees. … And someone else said, ‘that sounds like a good idea, they’ve got nothing to do.'”

The free offer doesn’t force people to verify that they’re furloughed government employees before ordering, though the site description attests “Karma will get” any non-gov employees who exploit the offer.

Nardone said that was in part because there was no way to do that without invading privacy, one of the biggest concerns for PriveCo (which doesn’t keep mailing lists and ships their items in discreet plain boxes). For a company that doesn’t market to past customers, Nardone said the promotion was a way to encourage some brand loyalty and show off the small company’s nicer side.

Originally, he said, they were brainstorming giveaways that would be funny at the expense of those causing the shutdown. The idea of free penis pumps for senators was tossed out, as was a half-off deal on enemas.

“We’re like no, that’s not what we do professionally. We’re not hateful people, we need to be helpful, like you tell your kids, ‘Is that hurtful or helpful?'” Nardone explained. “So we’re like, who’s really getting stiffed in this whole thing, you know. … The people who are really getting screwed out of the deal right now are the federal employees.”

Yes, you are well within your rights to make a Boehner joke here.

But, see? Nardone has the right attitude. The question everyone should ask before they do something stupid, like shut down the government, is “Who will benefit from my actions?”

If the answer is no one, and yourself doesn’t count, then don’t do it.

If you’re not sure what to do with a vibrator, my friend Marcie made a very helpful, yet discreet, commercial.

Who said the World News Center wasn’t informative?

Well, Gary & Sheila, I feel we’re on a first name basis now, I hope you smiled.

Anyway, since we got the ladies, and some guys, all hot and bothered, we may as well finish them off.

Rhea Litré “America’s Next Hot Bottom: Theme Song” Official music Video (NSFW) from Rhea Litré on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
Visit us on Rebel Mouse for even more fun!
contact Bill McCormick
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