How to Save the Environment and Start the Next Plague

There are a number of things that have puzzled me as I continue to live my life. For example, I never understood the Tamagotchi craze. Yet I had, still have actually, friends who adored that little gateway into hell. I never bought into the whole bacterial hand soap thing either. My reason was simple; when I went to the hospital I didn’t see any doctors using it. One reminded me of something I learned in high school; the bacteria on your hands is generally there to protect you from illness.…

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Merry Christmas

I got up this morning and thanked God for all the wonderful things that have happened in 2013 and seem poised to keep happening in 2014. It seemed only fair since I had bitched at Him pretty vividly over all the bad shit that had come before. Writing for the World News Center, and doing the attenuate radio show on Fox Sports WBIG, is an honor and a pleasure. Thanks to the internet and the fact that the world is round I am constantly reminded that I’m not just writing…

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Tradition (Part II)

This originally posted on Christmas Eve 2012. Several people wrote to ask me if it’s true that some people celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus by putting up statues of poop. Since the answer is yes, and this article contains the full answer, and since I’m lazy by nature, I’ll just re-post this. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Merry Christmas everyone. It’s time, once again, for us to take a look at the glorious traditions that surround this odd holiday. We have already discussed the Krampus, that lovely little fellow who either casts your…

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This Is 2013, Right?

In a week where the unenlightened and uninformed decided to step up front and center and let us all know just how ignorant they are – THANKS PHIL & SARAH – I found myself wondering what year this is. Starting with Phil Robertson, the patriarch of that stupid show Duck Dynasty, who opened his pie hole to GQ Magazine and managed to bash gays and point out that them Negroes were much happier when they weren’t all uppity and free. Darn Martin Luther King & Malcolm X for ruining everything.…

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LIARS!

2013 is drawing to a close. Various and sundry holidays will be celebrated, food will be eaten and alcohol will be consumed. And at some point you will meet someone who had the perfect year or has the greatest family in the universe or who rescues puppies and finds them homes with millionaires or who has proof that humans are actually a hybrid of gorilla and pig DNA. And at that point that little voice inside your head will say, “Wow, these people are full of shit.” Take the DNA…

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Triskaidekaphobia Revisited

I am going to celebrate the birthday of a dude who wasn’t born now or anywhere near now. In other words, I am off to celebrate a superstition. That is appropriate on many levels. Today is Friday the 13th. A horror that has haunted humans for millenia. Well, numerous centuries. Okay, for a little bit. I wrote this on Friday the 13th in April of 2012. It’s still true today. +++++++++++++++++++ If you happen to be a prestidigitating paraskevidekatriaphobic then today is wrought with horrible magic for you. For the…

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What a Great Cause! Let’s Get Naked For It!

People who’ve met me know that I’m a big fan of naked women. If I had my way every office would be festooned with them. Heck, as far as I’m concerned, there should be random naked women in bars just because. But, until recently, I was pretty sure I didn’t rule the world. But now I’m not so sure. There are a growing number of states looking to follow New York’s fine example and allow women the right to be just as topless as men in public. While it may…

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