Archives for November 2013

Tomorrow is American Thanksgiving. Or, as Canadians call it, Yanksgiving. Tomorrow is also the start of Hanukkah, a holiday spelled numerous ways but all of them refer to the same thing. This happens once every century or so. In other words you might want to take a moment to, at least, acknowledge it. And I mean by doing something other than buying the Rob Ford Sex Tape (parody). I’m not even sure how that relates to the holiday, but they are marketing it as such. Yes, there is something seriously bent with our world today. Nevertheless, the holidays converge and this year rabbis the world over are trying to use this fact as a teaching moment. Well, that’s what rabbis do, they teach. I should know. I once dated a rabbi’s daughter and my ex wife is Jewish. And Mexican. And that always required lengthy explanations that you’re not going to get today. And there are, if you squint, similar themes in the holidays. I’ve already written about how Hanukkah went from an afterthought to a juggernaut. What I haven’t written about is some of the odd traditions that have gotten attached to the holiday. I have done so for Christmas and Thanksgiving, so I see no reason to spare Hanukkah.

Religion writer Matisyahu and comedian Simcha Levenberg did a little research and, today, they’re sharing their knowledge with the class.

1. Chanukah – What does it even mean?

The eight day Festival of lights is called Chanukah. The word Chanukah means dedication. After Judah Maccabee and his band of revolutionary Jews defeated the Assyrian/Greek Empire they discovered that their beloved Holy Temple had been defiled and rendered spiritual impure. It was on the 25th of Kislev (the first day of Chanukah) that the Temple was purified and rededicated.

Alternatively the word Chanukah can be deconstructed to be, חנו כ”ה, which means, “they rested on the 25th.” The 25th of Kislev (the first day of Chanukah) was the last day of the war against the Greeks and the beginning of a pretty sweet holiday vacation week.

2. Maccabee – Who were they and why do they have a weird name?

The Maccabees (led by Matisyahu and his son Judah) were a small band of rebel fighters who battled against the Greek/Syrian Empire, led by King Antiochus. The name Maccabee is an acronym for the verse, “Mi Chamocha Ba’eilim Hashem” (Exodus 15:11) “Who is like you amongst the supernal beings, O’Lord.” This acronym emphasizes that this was not a war fought for land, wealth, or sport. King Antiochus wanted to secularize the Jewish faith and pull focus from G-d and place the emphasis on logic and reason. The Maccabees fought to keep G-d in the equation of Jewish life, and their name reflected that.

Alternatively, the name Maccabee is similar to the Aramaic word for hammer. Which was a non-subtle way for Judah to let everyone know he was a bad ass.

3. George Washington and Chanukah – WTF?

Jewish American lore and wishful thinking presents the following story. There is no way this story is, so some facts may have been embellished. Allegedly, on a harsh winter night, a dejected George Washington wandered amongst his troops at Valley Forge. At this stage in the war he was hated by his soldiers, but as he sauntered through the camp he encountered a friendly Jewish soldier sitting by a menorah. The young soldier told Washington the story of Chanukah, a small army’s victory over a great empire, Washington got inspired, turned the war around, blew up the death star twice, kissed his sister, and celebrated on on the forrest moon of Endor.

4. Chanukah at the White House – George Bush, party monger?

The first appearance of Chanukah at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue was in 1951, when Harry Truman accepted a Menorah as a gift from the Prime Minister of Israel David Ben Gurion. In 1979 President Jimmy Carter was the first President to officially “recognize” Chanukah as an actual occurrence. Every president since has followed suit and attended a Menorah-lighting ceremony always making sure to give Christmas a shout out as well. In 1993, President Bill Clinton hosted the first Menorah-lighting ceremony in the White House. On December 10, 2001 while vacationing and war mongering President George Bush hosted the first ever Chanukah Party at the White House. For the rest of his presidency a Chanukah rager happened every year. However, keeping in step with the rest of his presidency, mistakes were made; in 2004 non-kosher food commingled with kosher food and in 2008 a Christmas tree appeared on the invitation.

5. Money as a gift – Tacky or Traditional?

On any other occasion giving money as a gift is considered tacky, gaudy, and an indicator that you don’t care enough to invest any time in giving a proper gift. However, for the past three hundred years, gelt (coinage, cash money) has been the norm for Chanukah. In America, where Chanukah faces off against Christmas people exchange presents as well.

6. Traditional Foods – It’s not just about chocolate gelt, or is it?

In addition to the ubiquitous chocolate coins (currently manufactured in Israel, advertised as food but better repurposed as gambling chips for dreidel) there are other traditional Chanukah treats. Since the miracle of Chanukah happened with oil, many people have the custom of eating fried delicacies such as latkes and doughnuts. In Israel the official Chanukah treat is sufganiyot, a poor man’s jelly doughnut. It’s a ball of dough, deep fried and injected with an insufficient amount of jelly. Some Jewish people, in direct flagrance against their well documented lactose intolerance, also have the custom of eating dairy food and excessive amounts of cheese on Chanukah.

7. Yehudis – A Jewish widow did what?

Picture this: a Greek/Assyrian general and his troops surrounded a small Jewish town. The situation looks bleak, until a Jewish widow named Yehudis went Uma Thurman and took care of business. Yehudis seduced the general. Alone in his tent she plied him full of wine and cheese until he passed out. Then she cut off his frigging head. When his troops discovered the decapitated body they were horrified. The Jews on the other hand, found new courage and launched a successful counter attack. Jewish people adopted the custom of eating dairy and cheese to pay homage to Yehudis’ hardcore maneuvers.

8. Jewish Children – Degenerate Gamblers or Secret Scholars?

When the Greek/Assyrians controlled Israel, it was forbidden to learn Torah. Children met up in secret (Goonies!) to learn Torah. If a Greek soldier happened upon their study session they would whip out their dreidels and pretend to gamble. Therefore on Chanukah we play dreidel to remember the dedication of those children, and also because most Jews actually are degenerate gamblers.

More proof that Hanukkah is becoming part of the social norm is the fact that it has a movie dedicated to it that’s just as demented as the movies dedicated to Christmas.

Because nothing says “Happy Holidays” like an ex con drunk who likes basketball. Well, it brought me to tears.

So, tomorrow, as you have your turkey & latkes and celebrate Thanksgivukkah with your loved ones, remember that gambling and cheese have gone together for thousands of years now so you may as well overindulge in both.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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I’ve been posting on this blog for a few years now. Time to time noting changes in my life. Some people enjoy the personal stuff, others flee from any thought of intimacy, even across a digital divide. Since the former far outweigh the latter I still have faith in humanity. I get some interesting emails from you readers and am often reminded that we live on a big round ball and not just in our little space. I recently found myself trying to explain the concept of Thanksgiving to a Japanese lady who was serious about trying to understand the holiday but curious why it was needed. After all, in Japan, every day is a family day of thanks. Well, different strokes for different folks, I did what I could and she seemed as satisfied as she was going to get. But I do have to be careful. I was writing to a person for whom English was not a native language trying to explain a, uniquely, North American tradition without coming off as a condescending jerk. I think I scored major points though when she found that I knew why the Japanese have a tradition of having their Christmas dinners at Kentucky Fried Chicken. She was also impressed that I knew who Rob Pongi was, and still is. But she was still baffled by Thanksgiving.

Rebecca Orchant says that while this holiday might be alien to some, it is even more alien to us as people range further and further from traditional meals.

Around here, we like to say that Thanksgiving is like our Super Bowl. We’ve talked turkey and stuffing recipes, gravy and cranberry sauce, and on account of this year being a once-in-a-lifetime Thanksgivukkah combo deal, we’ve tackled brisket and latkes too. Each year we get to a point where we’re not sure how much more Thanksgiving talk we can handle. But then, like clockwork, the holiday comes, we eat all the things and spend a full year getting nostalgic for doing it all over again.

Because we’re never content to eat a Thanksgiving meal without one new addition to the table, I started asking around — what dishes are mandatory on your Thanksgiving table? A dear friend John answered without hesitation, “Coca-Cola salad.” I made him repeat himself. Coke salad? In what sense? He explained it was probably a Southern thing (he is from Louisiana), and that it combines cherry Jell-O with Coca-Cola and a few other things. He promised to get the recipe for me.

Now, keeping in mind how my last Jell-O mold experiment went, I was a little more than trepidatious. But Coke salad didn’t seem to contain anything too scary, and a few people I mentioned it to even seemed to have eaten it with their families. Aside from being insanely sweet, and decidedly un-salad-like, Coke salad seems to fall in line with the American tradition of calling anything suspended in Jell-O “a salad.” Thanksgiving is probably the one day of the year I feel pretty willing to let that slide.

John’s Mom’s Coca-Cola Salad
1 bottle maraschino cherries (quartered)
1 can crushed pineapple
8oz softened cream cheese
2-3 Tbsp milk
1 Large package cherry Jell-O (I used two 3oz packages of black cherry)
12oz Coca-Cola
1 cup chopped pecans

Drain cherry and pineapple juices from the from the containers and bring to a boil. Dissolve cherry Jell-O in the boiling juice. Make sure it’s dissolved fully, and add the Coke by pouring it into the juice slowly on the side of the bowl to prevent foaming. Refrigerate till it begins to congeal.

In a separate bowl thin the cream cheese with milk until you get the consistency of whipping cream. Add cherries, pineapple and pecans to cream cheese mixture and then fold into partially jelled Jell-O. Pour into mold and congeal again.

Once I knew about this, I knew there must be other, even weirder things being eaten in homes across America on Thanksgiving. A few people bravely shared their weirdest Thanksgiving traditions with me.

And people shared. If you click the link above you’ll see everything from raw stuffing to lobsters to Peking duck.

This was my fave;

“DeeDee’s Cheese” (Deedee being my great-great-aunt or something? I forget). It’s made of massive amounts of cream cheese, and like… soy sauce, I think? And some other stuff. It’s delicious and goes on everything except the pie.

There you go. A cheese recipe made with cheese. I think she’s referring to this classic, but God only knows.

Rebecca must be the Huff Post’s “go to gal” for holiday stuff because she also has a wonderful expose’ on how to cook turkey in a dishwasher.

No, I am not making this up.

No one ever expects chef David Burke to do anything the usual way. He’s built a legendary career on playing with our expectations and making food fun. But we’ll admit that even knowing about Burke’s commitment to the element of surprise and flair for drama, we really did not see his Thanksgiving turkey recipe coming.

Let’s set the scene: you’re hosting Thanksgiving, and have an oven’s worth of side dishes to cook and reheat. How can you lighten the load on this kitchen appliance during its most active day of the year? Burke says you can cook your Thanksgiving turkey in the dishwasher. Dishwasher turkey. You read that correctly. This is a dishwasher turkey recipe.

Yes. This kind of dishwasher. Can this really be done? Why would you ever even try to find out? Well, the legend goes like this:

In 1982, Burke worked as a private chef for a family in Oslo, Norway. The family requested cold poached salmon for a buffet that Sunday evening. The group of chefs went out and caught themselves a 10-pound salmon. After realizing they didn’t have any cooking vessel large enough to cook the whole fish in, Burke’s notorious creativity kicked into gear. He seasoned and wrapped the salmon, then hung it on the top rack of the dishwasher, where the glasses typically go. Three cycles later, he was rewarded with a perfectly poached whole fish, and has been experimenting ever since.

Which brings us to today. Now, before you all lose your freaking minds the way we did when we first heard about this, we want to stipulate that Burke is not suggesting you wrap up an entire, 20-pound Thanksgiving turkey in cling-film and toss it in the dishwasher — his recipe calls for turkey breasts only. Still, if you want to give your oven a break (and probably freak out your relatives as an added bonus), we got Burke to share his Thanksgiving dishwasher turkey recipe with us.

Chef David Burke’s Dishwasher Turkey

Ingredients:
2 boneless turkey breasts, 12-14 lbs total
4 tablespoons parsley
3 tablespoons sage
3 tablespoons rosemary
3 tablespoons thyme
4 tablespoons garlic
4 tablespoons shallots
1 cup olive oil
3 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons pepper

Mince the herbs, garlic and shallots, then combine with salt, pepper and olive oil. Rub into turkey breast and cover tightly with plastic wrap. Place in an open Tupperware container (just to hold everything in place) and sit on top shelf of dishwasher.

Run dishwasher for 3 full cycles for a total time of about 3 hours and 25 minutes. Let sit for 25 minutes then place under broiler to crisp skin for finish.
Of course, everyone’s dishwasher, like everyone’s oven, will work a little differently. If you guys really try this, please, please, please tell us all about it.

Actually, if you do try it, let me know how it goes too. My dishwasher is a cloth and a sink with a drying rack so that won’t work.

Since I’ve traveled a lot I’ve been introduced to a wide variety of odd food attached to this holiday. And Rebecca is right, if it can float in Jell-O, it’s a salad.

By the way, Jell-O is made from boiled bone marrow so it’s on the DO NOT FLY list for vegans.

Just a tip for your holiday planning.

Anyway, I have had squid, chili covered turkey (a must try once in your life), crab (big in the Northwest), moose and more. The moose was kind of gamey but it felt good to get a little revenge.

We all have our petty parts, don’t judge me.

I guess, if I can give you any advice, it would be to be open minded about the day. It’s more about who you’re with than what you eat.

And grilled squid in a lemon sauce is a religious revelation.

Widgets Tubby Luvin’ from Aaron Covich on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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I have often called Thanksgiving the red headed step child of holidays. Now I have made red headed step children mad. So’ I’ll apologize to them – sorry, I tend to be a callous oaf – and just note that this holiday kind of gets shoved in the middle of other stuff. Most people go from the sexy cool of Halloween to the fiscal gluttony of Christmas without pausing. It’s gotten so bad that Sarah Palin was forced to announce she was against the War on Christmas in October. So you can see how Thanksgiving could get trampled. And now, with more and more stores caving in to pubic pressure to be open on the holiday so people can shop on Gray Thursday, my new name for the day before Black Friday, the holiday is taking another hit. I’ve already noted that there are, historically, several days that have earned the title “Black Friday” and none of them have anything to do with shopping. Since this year the Thanksgiving radio show will be today I figured I should take a moment to remind people how screwed up this day really is. For example, kiddie pageants all over the country celebrate out faithful Indian companion, Squanto. As I have noted before, that presents a problem.

In fact when Squanto, the liaison between the Wampanoag Indians and the Pilgrims, died he was eulogized by William Bradford, the Pilgirms’ governor, with these words, “Here Squanto fell ill of Indian fever, bleeding much at the nose, which the Indians take as a symptom of death, and within a few days he died. He begged the Governor to pray for him, that he might go to the Englishman’s God in heaven, and bequeathed several of his things to his English friends, as remembrances. His death was a great loss.” Of course part of his conversion was probably due to the fact that the Wampanoag considered him a traitor, many historians believe he was poisoned by his own people, and even went so far as to assign him a second (a/k/a assistant) for his dealings with the Pilgrims. That was, pretty much, unheard of for Indians.

Yeah, well, given that Squanto was, for reasons unknown, shunned by his tribe, captured and made a slave, taken to Europe, escaped 6 years later to return to America, was shunned again by his people and then taken in, reluctantly by the Pilgrims who offered him the worst eulogy ever. And the eulogy was due to the fact that his own people probably poisoned him. While a more interesting story than the one you’re used to it makes for a difficult children’s show.

Also, that “assistant” thing I mentioned was unheard of for the Indians. By treaty, hammered out by years of inter-tribal wars, each tribe assigned one voice for negotiations. So if that voice said the tribe would paint themselves pink and do the Hokey Pokey the tribe would simply say where and when. Assigning a second voice was a huge insult to Squanto and he would have known that.

There’s something else to consider as well. About 100 years previous there was a colony in Roanoke Virginia. According to people who have no clue about what they’re talking about, the colony disappeared without a trace. Even worse, they left a sign that no human can decipher with the word CROATOAN on it.

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Okay, say hi to the Croatoan Indians, also known as members of the Lumbee Indian family. Yes, they still exist and their web site is current. The settlers, as was common with English settlers, were woefully ignorant and arrogant. They crossed the ocean and just expected to find plenty of food and shelter. Oddly this wasn’t a good plan. While the land had been tended by the Indians who died out from the plague earlier, food still requires agriculture, a skill that eluded these city bred immigrants. So, hungry and lonely, they walked about two miles down river to the Croatoan settlement where the natives were naturists.

In other words their options were starvation and death or an island full of naked natives who were willing to share their food. They wisely chose door number 2.

Now, as I noted, English settlers were ignorant and arrogant. The Pilgrims were no different. When they arrived and found blue eyed, red skinned, natives who spoke English it never occurred to them that there might be an interesting story behind that. In fact they barely mentioned it. Because, just like in Star Trek, that’s the way things were supposed to be.

Oh, and Squanto wasn’t one of those. He learned English the old fashioned way, from his captors.

Anyway, thanks to Coolest Holiday Parties, we have a list of stupid trivia for you to win bar bets with.

The traditional cornucopia was a curved goat’s horn filled to brim with fruits and grains. According to Greek legend, Amalthea (a goat) broke one of her horns and offered it to Greek God Zeus as a sign of reverence. As a sign of gratitude, Zeus later set the goat’s image in the sky also known as constellation Capricorn. Cornucopia is the most common symbol of a harvest festival. A Horn shaped container, it is filled with abundance of the Earth’s harvest. It is also known as the ‘horn of plenty’.

It was not until 1941, that congress declared Thanksgiving as a national holiday. It was declared to be the fourth Thursday in November.

The first known thanksgiving feast or festival in North America was celebrated by Francisco Vásquez de Coronado and the people he called “Tejas” (members of the Hasinai group of Caddo-speaking Native Americans).

Here’s one of those funny Thanksgiving facts: Turkeys have heart attacks. When the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier, fields of turkeys would drop dead.

Turducken, a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken, is becoming more popular in Thanksgiving (originated in Louisiana). A turducken is a de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken. The cavity of the chicken and the rest of the gaps are filled with, at the very least, a highly seasoned breadcrumb mixture (although some versions have a different stuffing for each bird).

Fossil evidence shows that turkeys roamed the Americas 10 million years ago.

91% of Americans eat turkey on Thanksgiving Day.

There are regional differences as to the “stuffing” (or “dressing”) traditionally served with the turkey. Southerners generally make theirs from cornbread, while in other parts of the country white bread is the base. One or several of the following may be added: oysters, apples, chestnuts, raisins, celery and/or other vegetables, sausage or the turkey’s giblets.

Thomas Jefferson thought the concept of Thanksgiving was “the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard.”

Every President since Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving Day. But in 1939, 1940, and 1941 Franklin D. Roosevelt proclaimed Thanksgiving the third Thursday in November to lengthen the holiday shopping season. This upset people.

Fifty percent of Americans put the stuffing inside the Turkey.

The North American holiday season (generally the Christmas shopping season in the U.S.) traditionally begins when Thanksgiving ends, on “Black Friday” (the day after Thanksgiving); this tradition has held forth since at least the 1930s.

On the West Coast of the US, Dungeness crab is common as an alternate main dish instead of turkey, as crab season starts in early November.

Corn is one of the popular symbols of thanksgiving. It came in many varieties and colors – red, white, yellow and blue. Some Americans considered blue and white corn sacred. The oldest corns date 7000 years back and were grown in Mexico.

Benjamin Franklin wanted the national bird to be a turkey.

Several people wanted to have an official day of thanksgiving, including George Washington, who proclaimed a National Day of Thanksgiving in 1789. Several people did not want it including President Thomas Jefferson.

Here’s one of the most unbelievable Thanksgivng facts: The Guinness Book of Records states that the greatest dressed weight recorded for a turkey is 39.09 kg (86 lbs), at the annual “heaviest turkey” competition held in London, England on December 12, 1989.

The first Thanksgiving was not a feast, but rather a time when Native Americans helped Pilgrims by bringing them food and helping them build off the land.

More than 40 million green bean casseroles are served on Thanksgiving.

Turkey is the traditional dish for the Thanksgiving feast. In the US, about 280 million turkeys are sold for the Thanksgiving celebrations. There is no official reason or declaration for the use of turkey. They just happened to be the most plentiful meat available at the time of the first Thanksgiving in 1621, starting the tradition.

Twenty percent of cranberries eaten are eaten on Thanksgiving.

The preliminary estimate of the number of turkeys raised in the United States in 2005 is 256 million. That’s down 3 percent from 2004. The turkeys produced in 2004 weighed 7.3 billion pounds altogether and were valued at $3.1 billion.

Turkeys were one of the first animals in the Americas to be domesticated.

Columbus thought that the land he discovered was connected to India, where peacocks are found in considerable number. And he believed turkeys were a type of peacock (they’re actually a type of pheasant). So he named them “tuka”, which is “peacock” in the Tamil language of India.

The ‘wishbone’ of the turkey is used in a good luck ritual on Thanksgiving Day.

The cranberry is a symbol and a modern diet staple of thanksgiving. Originally called crane berry, it derived its name from its pink blossoms and drooping head, which reminded the Pilgrims of a crane.

The Plymouth Pilgrims dined with the Wampanoag Indians for the First Thanksgiving.

The different nicknames for Thanksgiving Day: “Turkey Day” (after the traditional Thanksgiving dinner), “T-Day” (an abbreviation of either “Thanksgiving Day” or “Turkey Day”), “Macy’s Day (this is exclusive to New York City – it is a reference to the Macy’s Day Parade), “Yanksgiving” (Canadians sometimes call the Thanksgiving in the US as “Yanksgiving” to distinguish it from the Canadian Thanksgiving holiday.)

The First Thanksgiving lasted for three days.

Contrary to popular belief, Native Americans did not eat cranberries. They did, however, find them extremely useful for dying fabric and decorating pottery.

The Native Americans wore deerskin and fur, not blankets.

A spooked turkey can run at speeds up to 20 miles per hour. They can also burst into flight approaching speeds between 50-55 mph in a matter of seconds.

Turkeys are first documented over two thousand years ago in Central America and Mexico.

In October of 1777 all 13 colonies celebrated Thanksgiving for the first time; however it was a one-time affair commemorating a victory over the British at Saratoga.

There are three places in the United States named after the holiday’s traditional main course — Turkey, Texas; Turkey Creek, La.; and Turkey, N.C. There are also nine townships around the country named “Turkey,” with three in Kansas.

Sarah Josepha Hale, a magazine editor, campaigned to make Thanksgiving a National Holiday in 1827 and succeeded.

Wild turkeys, while technically the same species as domesticated turkeys, have a very different taste from farm-raised turkeys. Almost all of the meat is “dark” (even the breasts) with a more intense turkey flavor. Older heritage breeds also differ in flavor.

Actually, Sarah Josepha Hale started campaigning for Thanksgiving in 1827 but it wasn’t designated as a holiday until Lincoln signed the Thanksgiving Proclamation in 1863.

Old Abe did love his proclamations.

How-To Cook a Turkey With Kat from EyeHandy on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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If you click this link it will take you to a list of scientific discoveries. Like any list it’s more of a conversation starter than immutable dictum. I found it a little too Eurocentric, but that’s not the point. The point is that, without much effort, they were able to assemble a list celebrating rational thought, research and the human spirit. All things that seem more and more like after thoughts these days. Robert Heinlein once opined that in the 1920’s astrologers and psychics were, at best, oddities and lived on the fringe. By the 1960’s people were asking him his sign and seriously using this bit of useless knowledge to make judgments on what type of person he was. There are apocryphal reports that he would reply “Not an idiot” when asked. Which is a very good reply in my book. Anyway one would think that, by now, people would have put the superstitions of their youth behind them. You would be wrong but you could be forgiven got thinking so. A while back I wrote about how James Fox, a scam artist and charlatan, offered $100,000 to anyone who could prove they had alien technology. This generous offer blithely ignores the fact that any possessor of true alien tech would be a billionaire. Of course he also offered to sell you his DVD that proves that aliens exist. One is funny because the evidence that he’s wrong is actually an integral part of his last cinematic effort. In case it gets confusing, just remember the phrase “human DNA” and you’ll be fine. Alien life wouldn’t be blessed with that particular anomaly. That’s why it would be alien.

But, while I can understand why the uneducated might think the lights in the sky are from Alpha Centauri, I am completely baffled by people like guy who paid for a soul cleansing at Wal Mart.

Yes, you read that right.

They said they’d cleanse his soul, but instead they just cleaned him out.

According to KOAT, a Santa Fe, N.M., man was leaving Walmart when three “witches” approached him and offered to cleanse his soul of a dark spirit that was following him.

Amazingly, the man went for their offer and followed the women to a white van, where he turned over jewelry and cash after they allegedly told him that money was the root of his problems. The man even went so far as to cash a $500 check at the Walmart, then return the money to the women, whom he said tore it up and kept it.

“At one time or another we are all gullible, but that was a little over the top,” Walmart shopper Joy Dale told KOAT.

The supposed cleanse must not have worked, because the victim of the scam reported the incident to police a few days later. The women were traced to a hotel, where they said the man had voluntarily given them the jewelry. There was no cash. Police returned the jewelry to the owner, but couldn’t charge the women because they hadn’t technically committed a crime.

Although most people would spot a scam like this a mile away, other people have used fear of demonic possession as a way of exorcising money from the purses of believers.

In 2011, a New York artist began selling $197 pendants to ward off demons that possess pets. She claimed to have designed the charm after her pet poodle became inhabited by an evil spirit.

Sadly, tales of demonic possession have turned deadly in the past. In 2012, a man and his family were convicted of killing a six-months pregnant English woman because they thought she was possessed by a demon.

According to prosecutors, Mohammed Mumtaz told police that his wife “started to grab her own face and was screaming in anger… [then] suffocated herself by putting her hand in her mouth and she tried to strangle herself.”

The jury did not believe that the woman had killed herself, and found Mumtaz, his parents, and his brother guilty of murder.

Believe it or not, even though we have a socialist Muslim president, it is still not illegal to just randomly do stupid things with your money. Although I have long posited that if we did make that illegal and made pot legal the whole economy would right itself in 3 weeks.

And I don’t smoke pot, that’s how you know it’s a good idea.

Now the above story is slightly different than the below. What Stephanie Thompson did was malicious and illegal. Even in Florida.

This just keeps happening again and again. This week, Boca Raton Police tossed the cuffs on another psychic accused to using her connection to the spirit realm to line her pockets with cash. Stephanie Thompson — who did her cosmic business under the name Stephanie Lee — had a plan of attack that was so textbook, it’s like reading a primer on psychic scams.

According to the Palm Beach Post, Lee first met her victim in May 2012 at the Psychic Tea Room on North Federal Highway in Boca. Below we’ve broken Thompson’s scam down into the familiar particulars.

The Curse. Thompson sank the hook into her client by announcing that the woman was cursed and that she’d need $2,000 to complete the psychic work necessary to smash the spell.

Shhhhh. The psychic then allegedly kept asking the woman for more money for the work. She also told the victim not to tell anyone else about the payments. Spreading the word would ruin everything, the psychic said.

You’ll Get It Back, No Worries. Besides, the sales pitch went, the psychic was just going to pray over the money and give it back to the victim. Once this was all over — the curse broken and happiness restored — the victim would have the money back.

The Cancer. Oh, but if the woman didn’t hand over the money, she might get the same cancer that befell her mother, the psychic promised, not only sinking that hook but twisting it a couple of times to prove the point.

In the end, the victim allegedly forked over somewhere in the neighborhood of $108,000. Thompson is being charged with grand theft and organized fraud. The 23-year-old psychic reportedly told police she lost the money at a casino (Peanut gallery: NOT VERY GOOD AT PREDICTING THINGS, RIGHT? RIGHT?).

One thing we’d like to point out here is that a year or so ago, very few psychic scams ever made it inside a courtroom. In part, this was due to the hurtles prosecutors faced — in the end, this is a crime in which the victim willingly handed over the money. But since the prosecution of Rose Marks, not to mention increased attention to the trend, more psychic cases are going to court.

Another problem is that people who believe in psychics don’t believe they’ve been conned. They naturally assume they did something wrong. And those rare ones who do realize they’ve been had often hate being humiliated in court.

This next con is actually impressive. It has been going on for years, is clearly financial fraud on an epic scale and this dude still walks among us right here in Chicago.

Say hi to the Ed Hubbard With School.

Witch School AKA Ed Hubbard Witch School, The cons and scams of Ed Hubbard Chicago, Hoopstown, Illinois Illinois

Witch School actually does have a valid teaching program for those interested in Wicca and the craft, it is the management that uses the good faith of students to solicit illicit gain. Here are a few points of fact.

Witch School owner, Ed Hubbard placed Witch School for sale on eBay in 2007. He became irate when it was suggested that he would not go through with the sale and that it was a sham. Several days later he stated that his computer crashed and prevented the sale never explaining how his computer mishap affected eBay’s servers. According to eBay the sale was pulled by the lister.

The real reason for the phony eBay sale came to light shortly thereafter in early 2008. After causing considerable concern among students who had purchased a “lifetime” membership Ed announced there was another way. He would incorporate and sell shares, which he did with great success. As of yet no one has received a dime in dividends and holders promised a buyback are still waiting. Stock reports have not been published for years.

Ed then tried to re-incorporate as non-profit. When he learned that would not relieve his financial misdeeds of the past the plan was dropped.

Ed’s next plan was to exploit a small group of young women in what he called the “Young Witches Project” or “Young Witches of Salem”. The young women worked for little or no pay, were forced by circumstance to live in less than suitable conditions and even work other jobs to help support the project. All the time being fed a series of lies by Ed Hubbard concerning interested producers and writers, along with movie and television companies promising big money just around the corner. Of course there were none.

Ed Hubbard says his latest project will cost $20.000 and he already claims to have collected half of that from donations. It is a book he wishes to put together although true to character he will not actually write any of it. He is looking for authors to donate all of that as well. Some of us know that Amazon has a company called “Create Space” that allows you to publish a book at little or no cost. I wonder what will happen to the rest of the donations and if we will in fact even see a book.

Ed Hubbard has recently announced his retirement as CEO of Witch School. This is more than likely to install a “Fall Guy” in that position while Ed retains the leadership.

Okay, let’s count the myriad problems with this story;

(1) No actual charges have been filed although I counted, at least, a dozen violations of the law, the least of which was the stuff with the money.
(2) The author has been a willing, if angry, participant since the beginning.
(3) Someone actually believed there was a school for witches in Chicago. Because nothing says “getting in touch with nature” like a day at the Willis Tower.
(4) While the address of the witch school mentions Hoopstown, a quick search there is no such town or neighborhood in Illinois. There is a Hoopestown, which is in east central Illinois and has nothing to do with witches. Or basketball for that matter.

In other words, had these bright and beautiful leaders of the future Wiccan movement spent 10 minutes of research they could have avoided this whole mess.

Joint Fighter Wing Strike Witches Ki AMV NSFW from Al Eclumie on Vimeo.

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I’ve written before about our impending robot overlords. Usually I am against this sort of thing. There have been – obvious – exceptions like the development of sexbots. Hey, I’ve been divorced twice, having a solid back up plan isn’t such a bad idea. Still, despite the awesoemeness of sexbots, most developments tend to be making Frank Herbert’s Dune seem like a documentary. And I, for one, would prefer not to live in a world ruled by some box of electrodes named Omnius. Still and all when a good thing comes along, even if it’s cybernetic, you have to laud it. And, speaking as a male who’s been to a doctor, I find myself cheering this invention. Or, to be polite, I am not of an opinion that the doctor needs to play the “how far in can my arm go” game with my butt.

Dr. Benjamin Lok & Dr. Carla Pugh have created a robot butt to train doctors how to perform rectal exams.

Researchers have invented something truly remarkable — no ifs or ands, but definitely a butt.

A robotic one at that.

The result is a plastic posterior is hooked up to a video screen featuring a virtual male named “Patrick” who is bent over a desk.

The derriere-device is designed to train budding doctors how to give a prostate exam, according to Dr. Benjamin Lok, the co-creator of the electronic hiney with Dr. Carla Pugh.

“In the experience, the student talks to a virtual person and is able to practice their communication skills” Lok told Geekosystem. “The mannequin is instrumented with force sensors that can measure where the student is examining and with how much pressure. This enables the system to provide a realistic encounter with a virtual patient that includes communication and physical exam components.”

The device even measures eye contact between the medical student and the virtual patient to help improve the bedside manner.

“Patrick” is also endowed with force sensors that alert the student when he or she is poking and prodding too hard. It can also register the thoroughness of the examination, Medical Daily reported.

“Patrick” is in use at Drexel University in Philadelphia and at the University of Florida and Lok hopes to use the “rear-search” to help improve virtual humans for other types of touchy situations.

This isn’t the first time virtual technology has been used to get to the bottom of the butt.

In 2012, Japanese artist Nobuhiro Takahashi created SHIRI, a robotic rump that can react to “a user’s touch, stroke, or slap” and can twitch or tense up on its own.

Of course the Japanese invented a robotic booty for spanking. This is the country that brought the world Orgasm Wars.

That link is for adults only.

But(t), the new robo-rear is a great idea. Every male who’s heard the snap of the rubber glove will be very grateful to learn that the robo-hiney has groomed your medical professional to not fist bump your colon.

Of course, not all science is all sciencey and stuff. Sometimes, just like the brilliant men and women who slaved to bring us sexbots, sometimes scientists get together and invent the robo-vagina.

Because, well, of course they did. Annalee Newitz at IO9 has the latest.

A programmable robotic vagina that looks sort of like a cake mixer promises to be the most exciting sex toy ever invented for men. Basically, it’s the rabbit pearl vibrator of boy toys.

As our sister site Fleshbot reports, live from a floor show at the Adult Entertainment Expo, AEBN’s Real Touch is a variable speed, textured delight – it even delivers “throbs” at appropriate moments. And it’s programmed to respond to input from porn movies. So plug this baby into your computer, fire up your favorite vid, and the Real Touch will match the speed and intensity of the action on screen.

No word yet on whether you can program it to emulate the stages of the female sexual response cycle, including involuntary muscle spams every 0.7 seconds. But Fleshbot does have a video of the device in action.

That video is VERY NSFW.

As in you should have access to a cold shower before you click the link.

But, that aside, you gotta love science.

Electric Six “Body Shot” (2009) – NSFW 18+ from Another Reybee Productions, Inc. on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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