Teach Your Children Well

Future Strippers of America convention, 2012.
Future Strippers of America convention, 2012.

I’m not good around kids. Oh, I can be if need be but the things I like to do – drink, swear, frolic with naked women – are prohibited by a variety of state and federal laws, not to mention some social mores, in any situation involving kids. I suppose that’s for the best. Nevertheless, since parents are (in the main) reluctant to do the mattress mambo in front of their spawn they occasionally will ask someone to take their darling progenies elsewhere for a nonce or two. And since horny parents do not make good life choices, I have taken children away from their safe homes and into my world. Well, not into my world, that would be wrong, but away from their little safe havens. Since bars and strip clubs are off the list I tend to take them to zoos, museums, baseball games and parks. I also have a bad habit of introducing them to music and food, since I dearly love both.

Apology time.

Dear Tyrone, I’m sorry. I know that you think Burger King is too zesty and, thanks to an afternoon in Pilsen with me, your kids now shop for gourmet hot sauces at Whole Foods and I know that I introduced them to Stevie Wonder before you did, but your oldest was 9 then and they’re both in college now. We need a new topic of discussion.

My friend Enrique raised his kids to be good Catholic children who respect their elders and do good in school. They are all that. They are also avid fans of funk and bad horror movies thanks to me. And they are teaching their children the joys of grooving, Elvira and Svengoolie. Enrique’s grandson, who just turned four, does a mean version of Brickhouse. Unfortunately that fact was discovered when he busted it out during a lull at mass.

Oh well.

Everyone blames me.

But there are some things you can’t blame me for. Sebastian Murdock says that no matter how much I warped those kids, I was a better influence than the parents of these ingrates.

Sometimes, work can seem unbearable. Your boss doesn’t appreciate you, your co-workers suck, and you always stay late. But at least now you can take solace in knowing you aren’t these seven souls who lost their jobs. Share this with Mark in accounting and laugh about how you “can totally see Brett getting fired that way.”

  • 1
    These KFC Sink-Tubbin Gals

    Chicken breasts weren’t the only thing simmering at this KFC. Two female employees at KFC decided to go for a swim in the company sink, later uploading the pictures to Myspace with captions including “haha KFC showers!” and “haha we turned on the jets.” They forgot the caption: “haha we’re so fired!” because that’s exactly what happened once the manager found out.
  • 2
    “Weedpriest” Subway Worker Puts Penis On Bread
    In a story broken by HuffPost Weird, a Subway worker was seen defiling a foot longwith his less-than-a-foot-long after posting images of it on his Instagram. Ian Jett copped to putting his penis on the bread in an exclusive interview with HuffPost, and was later fired by Subway.
  • 3
    This News Anchor Who Couldn’t Make It One Day Without Dropping An F-Bomb

    Ever have one of those days? Newbie reporter A.J. Clemente made his debut and said his goodbyes his first day on the job at KFYR in North Dakota. In the video,Clemente can be heard saying “F—ing sh-t,” before being introduced. If that’s not bad enough, Clemente had a rather…awkward time introducing himself after the slip up.
  • 4
    This Guy Who Called His Boss A “Serial Masturbator”
    A South African 23-year-old man was fired after calling his boss a “serial masturbator” on Facebook, AFP reported. Hilarity aside, (and it is pretty hilarious) the man probably should have kept that thought to himself — or at least off Facebook.
  • 5
    This Woman Who Called Obama The N-Word, Hoped He’d Get Assassinated, And Didn’t Really Seem To Get What The Big Deal Was

    Denise Helms, a California Cold Stone Creamery worker, was fired after she posted on Facebook: “And another 4 years of this [n-word], maybe he will get assassinatedthis term…!!” On the off-chance Obama got assassinated: “I wouldn’t care one bit,” she told Fox 40 News. She then said: “OK, but what did I do wrong?” Oh, honey. So much. You did so much wrong. Cold Stone later tweeted saying Helms was fired.
  • 6
    This Drunk Gym Teacher
    Erik Schock, a former Washington middle school gym teacher, was fired after administrators reported his breath reeked of alcohol and his speech was slurred. It was estimated that his blood alcohol level was a whopping .15. In a truly alpha move, Schock is actually seeking to get his job back because he did not engage in “flagrant misconduct” as defined by state law. Look, we get it — we’d be getting wasted if we had to deal with children all day too, just not if it was our job to responsibly look after and teach them.
  • 7
    This Guy Who Peed On His Coworkers Chairs…For 5 Months
    West Des Moines Police
    Raymond Foley, a 59-year-old IT worker at Farm Bureau Financial Services, was caught on surveillance video allegedly urinating on four female co-workers’ chairs over the course of at least five months. He was suspected of going through the company’s database of worker profiles, picking out the most attractive females, then whizzing on their seats. Listen, guy: there are better ways to flirt with pretty girls. You could start by, for instance, doing literally anything other than peeing on their chairs. They don’t like it. Foley had the piss taken out of him when he was promptly fired, then arrested.

Give yourself a round of applause and knock back a drink, chances are you’ve never lost a job through this level of incompetence!

YEAH! You’re not an ingrate!

I do have to admit one thing. In all my years of hitting on women it never once occurred to me to pee on their chairs as a way of introducing myself.

I must be getting old.

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