Almost Good Ideas

Hi, we're the entertainment for the funeral today ....
Hi, we’re the entertainment for the funeral today ….
I, like many, have been staring, slack jawed, at our alleged leaders. It turns out that Americans elected 40 officials who have no idea what a law is. I wonder how the hell that could happen and then I go back and re-read some of my blogs here and sigh sadly. We are a country festooned with Floridians and their like minded ilk. Short sighted xenophobes who think that the only safe country is one that’s built on fear and harm. The next time someone tells you that your vote doesn’t count, point to these dark days. An involved electorate could have prevented this. But, you don’t come here for politics. Nope, you tend to wander this way to see if I’ve written anything scintillating about boobs or silly laws and, occasionally, some sciency stuff. Sciency is too a real word. How can I prove that? Look at the previous sentence, it says so.

Yes, it’s logic like that that got us where we are today. And it explains equally how Louisiana ended up with a cop who writes tickets to invisible people.

No, I am not making this up and, yes, he’s done it hundreds of times

Across the U.S., in every state in the union (except New Hampshire), hundreds of drivers are ticketed each day for not wearing their seatbelts. In New Orleans, however, at least 215 of those tickets have gone to “phantom motorists”, allowing one enterprising police officer to nab some extra pay.

A little backstory

Gross apparently issued the 215 tickets to “phantom motorists” in three months since the grant funds were awarded. Details of how he accomplished that feat haven’t been released, but since he works in the department’s information technology division — or did, until he was arrested yesterday — it sounds as if he could have created them from the relative comfort of his desk. Eventually, one of Gross’ supervisors became suspicious and reported him to the Public Integrity Bureau, which conducted an investigation.

So, today we learned that New Hampshire, state motto “Live Free or Die,” now has the motto “Live Free AND Die.”

Well, isn’t that special?

Still and all, he’s a better cop than Kirlos Sayed, Frank Santanastaso and Matthew Kirsheh. They dressed up as cops, bought a cop car, got a siren and a cheap badge and … wait for it …. conned a store into selling them Grand Theft Auto early.

Oh, and then they broke a bunch of laws.

Die hard gamers have been waiting for months to get their hands on the criminal-activity ridden video game Grand Theft Auto V.

Grand Theft Auto (or GTA, as the kids call it) is wildly popular among the younger crowd and it’s well known for it’s elaborate story line and expertly executed car heists.

Recently, three Staten Island teens got so amped to be the first ones to own it they decided to impersonate cops in order to cut the line. And, much like their video game criminal counterparts- they also found themselves getting arrested.

Players can interact with the game world as they wish and can either play alone or online with up to 16 different players.

The game is basically Pac-Man’s much older, much cooler brother, and people from all over the country waited in line for hours in order to their hands on the second it was released.

GTA V was released at 12:01 a.m. on September 17. In Staten Island, New York, three college-age friends reportedly thought they might be able to beat the crowds if they showed up at a local Game Stop and flashed a badge.

The three friends even managed to get their hands on an old unmarked police car, complete with a siren, lights and other bells and whistles. The car, according to a source close to the story, had been purchased at a police auction.

The driver walked up to a security guard and asked to be let inside of the Staten Island Mall. “I’m with the NYPD,” he said, and flashed his auxiliary police officer badge. They strolled into the video game store, made their purchase and were about to make what they thought was the perfect getaway.

Unfortunately for them, the driver of the car got a bit too excited about executing the plan. He was so stoked, in fact, that he blew through a handful of stop signs. Real NYPD officers pulled them over a short distance later.

Kirlos Sayed, Frank Santanastaso and Matthew Kirsheh were arrested on the spot and have been charged with criminal impersonation. They could face up to 12 months behind bars if they are convicted.

New York, where state motto is Excelsior. That is Latin for Ever Upward. Which is ironic when you realize these kids are going to be sent up the river.

This just in: thanks to the prudes in Sinking Spring, PA., people will not be allowed to participate in SHOCKTOBERFEST naked. Sadly, if you want to visit the haunted house you’ll have to, at least, wear underwear.

Pennsylvania: Virtue, liberty, and independence my ass.

This also just in, Robert Fredrickson, of Kelso Washington, was arrested for molesting a birthday cake.

Washington: Al-ki.

Yes, Washington has a state motto that isn’t in English and has multiple meanings in its native language, Chinook. I’m convinced that it’s confusing stuff like that which leads heretofore normal people to molest birthday cakes.

Greg Rynerson, a bail bondsman in Cali, says there are a whole bunch of laws you could break and never know it.

Even our animals are subject to the laws of the land in this country.

Most of the laws that you will find on the books are more for the protection of the animals, though you will also see a few that can lead to jail time for the animals if they are caught breaking the laws.

From regulations on sleeping bears and hunting camels to animal mating protocol — apparently, animal behavior cannot be tolerated.

Let’s look at the details.

Let Sleeping Bears Lie

It is illegal to wake a sleeping bear in order to take a photo.

Sure, getting a picture of a live bear is something worthy of a National Geographic photographer. But you just don’t want to be that close when you wake up a bear from his long winter nap.

The punishment for this crime is meted out quickly by the bear.

Oh Give Me A Home Where The Camels Roam

It is illegal to hunt for camels.

Bet you didn’t think we even had wild camels roaming free in this country, but you were wrong. Around the time just before the Civil War, the government put together the Camel Military Corps.

Camels from the Middle East were imported to America in order to help build a wagon road through the Southwest.

The animals proved to be a great success, but when the Civil War started to get underway, the government decided that there was no longer a need for the camels.

Some were sold, others were killed and some roamed freely across the desert. There is dispute over whether there are any survivors out there today, but if there are we have laws protecting them.

Separation of Church and Mate

Animals are not allowed to mate within 1500 feet of a place of worship, tavern or school.

The punishment for violators: a good soaking with the water hose.

No Getting It On With A Porcupine

How do porcupines mate? Very carefully! And also, not with people.

How many times do we have to say it: does that need to be a law?

Apparently, yes. It is illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine in Florida .

No Painting A Sparrow

Apparently in Michigan, selling parakeets is a way to make good money. But finding enough of the birds to sell for a profit must not be easy for some because the Harper Woods government had to put in the books that it is illegal to paint a sparrow in order to sell it as a parakeet.

Fugitive Goat

This year, a “fugitive goat” was taken into custody after an attempt to head butt a police chief in New Hampshire. Residents reported that the goat was trespassing in their garage.

When officers arrived to remove the goat, the animal resisted arrest and attempted to assault officers to make its escape. Finally, the goat was taken into custody and placed in the back seat of a police cruiser. The goat’s owner has not been discovered.

Animals can be troublemakers, so we create laws that they need to follow. But people are even worse at making trouble so there are even more laws that have to be followed for the animals’ protection.

Seriously? who knew that boinking a porcupine was illegal?

Florida’s state motto is “In God we trust.” All others must be cash carrying gun owners.

Who don’t molest cakes or porcupines.

And you know that’s a law down there because it was an issue.

“Bob, oh hell Bob, not again. Wha’d those critters ever do to you?”

I can’t even begin to imagine Bob’s response.

Late Night Shopping (Radiohead remix video) from Anthony Carpendale on Vimeo.

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