Once upon a time in a land not that far away I knew a guy who was a complete and total loser. And, yes, I realize that that’s redundant. I don’t care. He took epic fail to heretofore unimagined heights. I will give you an example; He found the love of his life in a brothel. Not once did it occur to him that her kindness and willingness to do fun stuff might, just might, be a part of her profession. To her credit, and I met her a few times, she never lied about what she was or what she wanted. The fact that he was willing to pay her three times a week was part of the deal as far as she was concerned. She only broke it off when he started introducing her as his fiancee. She did, as it turned out, have some ethics. I should note that I liked her. She was, and I imagine still is, bright, well read and funny. She was also well aware that she was fleecing a chump. I do believe he paid for two of her college educations before it was all over. Oh well, life goes on. Nevertheless, I tell you this to let you know that I am well acquainted with stupid. And as a connoisseur of the terminally dense I like to think that I can spot them a mile away and enjoy their arrival. I also like to think that this insight allows me to better present their antics to you, my beloved readers, than otherwise might be available.
With that out of the way let us commence with the blogging.
Noted creep, and borderline pedophile, Andrew Warren Hahn, was upset that a local pastor wouldn’t let him near the kids in church. So he threatened to kill him with a chain saw.
Because there are no guns in Florida, as you may have heard.
Earlier this month Andrew Warren Hahn, 29, allegedly allegedly contacted the 53-year old pastor of a Ponte Vedra Church and threatened to attack him with a chainsaw, according to the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office. Hahn had attended that pastor’s church until he was issued a trespass warning several years ago after he reportedly was caught watching kids from outside the windows of the church, the report said.
But he wouldn’t buzz off.
Despite the trespass warning, the Jacksonville Beach man continued to harass the pastor and other staff members at the church, deputies said.
Hahn was arrested in 2008 on a charge of video voyeurism after being accused of taking photos with his cellphone of children showering at a Ponte Vedra hotel. He was also arrested in 2010 for trespassing at that same hotel, according to the report.
While it’s still perfectly okay to kill the crap out of people in Florida, it’s nice to know they have some standards.
Speaking of killing the crap out of folks in Florida, Mark Cruz decided to test that law by shooting himself. Unfortunately for Mr. Cruz, he is one of three people not allowed to own a gun in Florida.
Does the stand your ground law apply to shooting yourself?
If so, it might help Florida convict Mark Cruz, who accidentally shot himself this week despite being barred from owning a firearm. The 28-year-old Wimauma man was injured when his .22-caliber pistol fell out of his pocket and discharged, sending a round into his leg, the Sun Sentinel reports.
Cruz was banned from owning a gun after a 2012 conviction on cocaine trafficking charges. That could be why he threw the gun in a lake after he shot himself, NBC Miami reports. He reportedly wouldn’t tell deputies where he obtained the weapon.
I can’t imagine why not. I’m sure he bought it from a NRA approved, reputable, dealer.
Also in Florida the Department of Health is warning people not to have sex with herpes infected monkeys. There is absolutely nothing I can add to that.
Moving out of the Sunshine State we head over to Jolly Old England, where a man who calls himself Hotcock showed police and doctors how he earned that name.
A man with the self-proclaimed nickname “Hotcock” is in hot water after allegedly getting naked and attempting sex with a Land Rover.
A court in Wales, UK recently convicted Daniel Cooper, 24, of indecent exposure. He was banned from going outside between 7 p.m. and 7 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays for the next three months.
The order stems from an August 18 incident where Cooper — who is known by the nickname “Hotcock” — was caught on surveillance video getting naked and then grinding against a blue 4×4 Land Rover Discovery, the New York Daily News reported.
Cooper told the court he was so drunk at the time that he did not remember his auto-erotic encounter until he saw the video.
The Land Rover was not available for comment, but it wasn’t the only inanimate object that caught Cooper’s eye during that evening, according to the Mirror.
Earlier in the evening, witnesses saw him bumping and grinding with the counter on a kebab shop and simulating sex on the floor with his pants around his ankles. He was also seen walking down the street with his pants pulled down.
Cooper, a father of three, also urinated in the streets. When he was arrested, he admitted to officers that he rarely drank, according to the Telegraph.
Besides the 3-month nighttime ban, Cooper was ordered to pay a $134 fine.
His attorney, Gary Harvey, told the court that his client was mortified by his actions and that his behavior toward cars and kebab counters was out of character.
“He is a responsible family man who looks after the children while his wife went out to work” he said, the International Business Times reported.
That may be, but both the Mirror and Telegraph pointed out that Cooper changed the name on his Facebook page to Daniel Hotcock Cooper only after he was arrested for his 4X4-play.
Besides the sentencing and fine, Cooper can expect to be razzed about his drunken behavior for the rest of his life.
“Daniel will never live this down,” an unidentified pal said. “He is not a pretty sight when naked. We all felt sorry for the Land Rover and hope it wasn’t offended.”
You will be pleased to know that there is a website dedicated to people who want to have sex with cars.
Of course there is. Why else was the internet invented?
Heck, I once wrote about a guy who was in a committed relationship with a car, so this is nothing new.
Just in case none of the above are stupid enough for you, allow me to introduce you to the wonderful Felix Becerra. This pinnacle of genetics is a manager at a McDonald’s. Where everyone know him. And knew him even better after he robbed the joint during business hours.
He wasn’t there for the overtime.
The manager of a Pleasanton, Calif., McDonald’s robbed his own store and then another at gunpoint, the Pleasanton Police Department said.
On Aug. 28 at 3 a.m., Felix Becerra, 42, allegedly donned a white mask and brandished “what appeared to be a small caliber revolver” to threaten employees at the drive-through window of the McDonald’s he ran. According to a police advisory, he forced three workers to open a safe in the office so he could take the money. The suspect then herded the employees into the freezer and ordered them to stay there for 30 minutes, escaping with an undisclosed amount of cash, the report said. No one was injured.
Becerra’s downfall was apparently attempting a similar heist Sept. 2 in San Mateo. Again he left with the money and no one was injured. This time, however, he was later apprehended in his vehicle by police and jailed. Cops say in the bulletin he fit the description of the suspect in the previous robbery and eventually confessed to both crimes.
The stolen money and a silver replica revolver were reportedly found in the car.
Becerra, also identified as Felix Jeronimo Gonzalez-Becerra in some reports, has pleaded not guilty to kidnapping and robbery in the San Mateo case, the Los Angeles Times reported, and he will be charged separately in the Pleasanton crime. He is being held without bail.
I bet he’s not getting a Happy Meal (TM) now.
Also, the next time he gets asked if wants to super size that it will be in a shower.
Yeah, that’s not good.
We close our tale of woe today with the story of Mr. Terry Antone Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins, and I use the term Mr. loosely here today, will be forever barred from possessing a man-card.
You won’t believe me. You’ll just have to read this yourself.
Family should always come first.
A South Carolina man is accused of assaulting his girlfriend during a three-way with her and her cousin.
Terry Antone Jenkins, 25, was charged with criminal domestic violence Saturday after police responded to an 8 a.m. call, WMBF News reports.
Jenkins’ girlfriend told the Horry County Police Officer who responded that she and her cousin were having a “threesome” and once Jenkins “finished,” the two female cousins continued to perform oral sex on each other, according to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun.
The kissin’ cousins angered Jenkins, according to the report. He allegedly grabbed his girlfriend’s hair and dragged her off of her relative before hitting her in the head and face and kicking her in the stomach. The officer noted a 3-inch scratch mark on the woman’s neck.
Jenkins, who claimed he did not hit either woman, was taken to jail. He was released the same day, and at 8 p.m., his girlfriend called police to say that Jenkins came to her home and attacked her again, hitting her in the chest before taking her cell phone and car.
Officials tracked Jenkins down and threw him in the slammer again on a second domestic violence charge, along with a charge of use of vehicle without consent.
Sometimes threeways go poorly even when the participants aren’t related. Last September, a Florida threesome went awry when one of the two women became jealous of the other and fired a gun into the ceiling. The chaos that ensued led to a SWAT team surrounding the house.
Let us count the problems with the above story, in reverse order;
(1) Sometimes threeways go poorly even when the participants aren’t related – That sentence should never exist.
(2) Oh wait, it’s a red state, never mind.
(3) Mr. Jenkins was living a Penthouse fantasy. Screwing up a night with 2 naked women is harder to do than screwing up a one car funeral.
A task for which Mr. Jenkins seems admirably prepared.
The good news is that everyone of our contestants today is legally eligible to vote.
Keep that in mind when someone says your vote doesn’t count.
WSHH Vixen:Beautifull April & Kianna Lynae… by troybellow