Archives for August 2013

When people think of Mormons, if they do so at all, they tend to think of staggeringly dull people like Mitt Romney. Or, if you’re a fan of musical theater you might imagine socially inept clueless people who have no business in Africa. But there is much more to consider. Orson Scott Card is a Mormon. He wrote a fun loving series of wildly popular books, called Ender’s Game, that are based on the government weaopnizing children so they can commit genocide. Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon. She wrote a family friendly set of masterpieces called Twilight that show folks how nice it is to have 100 year old men have sex with teenage girls. Glenn Beck is a Mormon. He writes wildly popular historical tomes that get lots of facts wrong. In his defense, he has noted that facts sometimes get in the way. Now, you may have noticed, that all of these people are popular outside of their community. And, as others have noted, popular doesn’t necessarily equal good. Of course these people could be Mormons in the same vein that Anne Rice is a Catholic. Anyone who’s read her book Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt: A Novel, and I pity those who have, knows that she may have skimmed the New Testament and then hit the Internet to fill in some of the gaps.

Nevertheless, like all good religions, Mormons forbid lots of stuff. As with most others booze, broads and boinking top their lists. Brady MacCombs tells us a fascinating story of how the police in Salt Lake City, Mormon capital of thee universe, used their crack investigative skills to stop an impending horror.

A Utah man who police say ran a speakeasy out of his garage for years in the middle of a suburban residential neighborhood has been arrested after he sold drinks to an undercover officer.

Jared Williams, 33, of Sandy has pleaded not guilty to the misdemeanor charge of running a business without a license, court records show. He was arrested on June 13 by several Sandy police officers who converged on his house.

Police had been hearing about problems in the neighborhood for some time, but finally got a specific tip about Williams’ house in May, said Sandy Police Sgt. Jon Arnold. The undercover officer went there in early June and had a drink alongside about 10 other people.

The man behind the counter identified himself as Jared and reportedly told the officer he had started the bar with his father in 2006, show records obtained by The Salt Lake Tribune. Arnold said Williams had a regular full-time job and opened the bar in the evenings.

Williams’ speakeasy was known as the “Dog Bar,” named for a bulldog painted on the garage door.

Sandy police seized 106 bottles of liquor, 77 cans of beer, a Jagermeister shot machine, nearly $750 in cash and a cash register, records show.

Police made the case a priority because of the problems that come with having a bar in an area where children play and families live.

“Adults can have parties and hang out. There is nothing wrong with an adult having an adult beverage,” Arnold told The Associated Press. “But obviously, when you have a bar in a neighborhood, that creates problems. … Sometimes people don’t make good choices when they are out drinking alcohol.”

Williams’ attorney, Christopher Ault, told The Associated Press that the charge is minor and unworthy of the public attention it is receiving.

“The fact that is has become some community uproar is interesting,” Ault said.

He declined to discuss any details about what happened because the case is still playing out in courts. He said he hasn’t seen the evidence that prosecutors have, and doesn’t know why more than a dozen Sandy police officers went to Williams’ house to make the arrest.

Calls to a phone number listed for Williams were not answered.

Utah restricts permits for bars based on population quotas. That’s just one aspect of the state’s notoriously strict liquor laws, which are rooted in fears that easing the restrictions could lead to more underage drinking and drunken driving.

The majority of Utah legislators and residents belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which teaches its members to abstain from alcohol.

Local police usually handle these types of arrests and there is no statewide tally, but clandestine bars seem to be very rare in Utah, said Dwayne Baird, a spokesman for the Utah Department of Public Safety.

That may be because Utah residents take great pride in their neighborhoods and aren’t shy about reporting unsavory activities to police, Baird said.

“If they hear that some guy has decided to open a bar on their street, neighbors there are going to say, `Not in my neighborhood you’re not,'” Baird said. “With the culture that we have here you are not likely to get away with it.”

Okay, you can ignore the hyperbole at the end. Instead I want you to note that the owner of the bar admitted to having been in business for 7 years. That’s a long time. And, according to the cop who made the initial bust, there were 10 people in the place when he got his alleged drink.

And, still, they needed to get a tip with an address attached to find this place.

How freaking hard could it have been to find if there’s only one house on the block with ten cars parked in front of it?

My guess is that there’s one of these places on every block and, far from people turning their neighbors in, they’re stopping by for a cold one or two before they head down to 500 West North Temple Street (yes, that is a real address) to hear the Tabernacle Choir.

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I’ve been single for a few years now. And, yes, I have dipped my toe in the dating waters. One thing that hasn’t changed since I was younger is that some people feel the need to shade the truth a little or couch the truth in phrases that make things seem different than they are. For example, I went on a date with a woman who said “legally separated” but I heard “still married.” She said “new job” and I heard “unemployed for years.” She said “small family” and I heard “four young kids with no direction.” Oddly enough there wasn’t a second date. On the plus side, she paid since I’d bought her drinks the night before. So, all in all, free food and being seen in public with a beautiful woman wasn’t painful. So there’s always that. Unfortunately for her drama is on my No Fly list.

Here’s a quick fun fact for you that has nothing to do with dating but will give you pause for thought. New York City lost to Utah when it tried to set a record for the number of people who were willing to parade around in public with nothing on but their underwear. Over 2,000 Mormon participated compared to around 700 New Yorkers. You will never think of Mitt Romney the same way again.

Anyway, speaking as I was of dates gone wrong I fiure we should start out with a date that went so wrong that the police became involved. Paul Marquez, a clearly rational person of high moral turpitude, became upset at his girlfriend so he tried to sell her baby on Craig’s List.

A 22-year-old man angry with a woman he dated posted photos of her 2-month-old daughter in a Craigslist ad and tried to sell the baby for $100, prosecutors said Monday.

Paul Marquez posted an ad entitled “baby for sale,” prosecutors said. Marquez’s posting acted as if he were the parent, said the baby loved to play and have fun, but had asthma and was “really getting on my nerves.”

“I don’t want her Please email me,” it read, authorities said.

Marquez was charged Thursday by Staten Island prosecutors with endangering the welfare of a child, harassment and a social service violation of authority to place or board out children. He was being held in lieu of $1,000 bail. A call to his attorney wasn’t returned.

According to the criminal complaint, Marquez, who works as a stockperson at a Victoria’s Secret, admitted he posted the listing just to get back at the woman. The two met online and had been out a few times, but he apparently was angry because she wouldn’t pay him enough attention, authorities said.

Prosecutors say Marquez gave the mother’s phone number to a person who answered the ad, who then called the mother. She notified police. Staten Island investigators are looking into that person’s request – the call may have been out of concern and not an illegal attempt to purchase a child.

There was no indication Marquez actually meant to sell the infant.

The posting was located in the Staten Island section of Craigslist under baby and kid stuff, for sale by owner. It was flagged and taken down at least once, but Marquez reposted it, authorities said.

Marquez faces up to a year behind bars if convicted.

Really? A year? You’d think it would be more. I mean people are drawing hard time for having a joint, selling a baby seems to be worse. But that could just be me.

Just FYI, there are web sites dedicated to Clown Dating, people who love hot sauces (a site my boss avoids like the plague), a site limited to people who will beautify the gene pool (not too arrogant are they?) and many, many, more.

In other words, if it’s your kink there’s someone willing to share.

There’s even a site dedicated to clown porn, so you’ll never feel alone.

But what about our young? Do we jut leave them to discover sex in the backseat of a car like we did?

Of course not. We live in an enlightened society where we groom our young to be excellent citizens. Well, you do and I do. Citizens in Florida, and those located elsewhere for whom WalMart is too uppity, send their kids to camp to learn how to kill ala the Hunger Games.

Ever dream of becoming Katniss Everdeen? Well, now you have a chance to be just like her in real life. Sort of.

According to the Tampa Bay Times, kids at a “Hunger Games” camp in Logo, Fla., can now channel their inner tributes by participating in athletic and intellectual activities inspired by the hugely popular series.

Watch in the video above.

The camp, however, has raised concerns, as children were reportedly describing how they would “kill” and “stab” each other. Susan Toler, a clinical psychologist, called the camp “unthinkable,” while Julie Miller of Vanity Fair described it as “disturbing.”

After noting that the “violence the kids had expressed was off-putting,” the camp announced a change to the rules: Instead of “killing” each other, campers would “collect” lives. Still, during a recent tournament, one crying 11-year-old claimed that he was kicked and “stepped on.”

“I’m not entirely sure that isn’t normal kid behavior,” writes Rebecca Pahle at The Mary Sue. “All I really know about kids is that they’re little humans and that I used to be one. I never pushed anyone to the ground and stepped on them… “

Ah yes, stomping on the injured is just kids tugging on pigtails, the modern version.

By the way, lazy linguists, “collecting lives” is a euphemism for killing. You’re just lucky that your clients are too stupid to know what a euphemism is.

Oh well, it’s Florida. Thanks to the educational system there none of their kids have ever read Lord of the Flies or this could be a lot worse.

TSURUFOTO Presents… Tabs in Where The Wild Things Go (NSFW) from tsurufoto. on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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