We’ve all been there. The one night stand that was not a very good idea. Whether the date was “Coyote Ugly” (so ugly you’d chew your arm off rather than wake him/her) or that downward spiral of realizing you were trapped with ten pounds of crazy stored in a five pound bag, doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ve been there. As have I. However, there are people who don’t quite grasp the concept of leaving. Of walking out the door, catching a cab, going to breakfast and pretending this never happened. Even if something shows up on You Tube, you just deny, deny, deny. For whatever reasons, and I blame meth or home schooling or some combination of both, some people seem to think these magical first dates are the start of something wonderful. They are wrong, often horribly so, but that is what they think.
Therefore today is a cautionary tale for those of you who find yourselves in that age old awkward situation.
Police in Manatee County report that a a 19 year old girl wanted sex. When her boy friend and father of her child begged off she did the only logical thing. She tried to bite off his penis.
As Krystle M. Harrison and her boyfriend were lying in bed Wednesday evening, the 19-year-old Bradenton woman began touching him, wanting some nookie, according to an arrest affidavit from the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office.
The couple have been in a dating relationship for about 3-years and have an infant child, according to the arrest report.
After the beau turned Harrison down –several times — she grabbed him and bit his penis, the affidavit stated.
The boyfriend then pushed Harrison away and went outside, where she continued to argue with her sweetie and scratched his chest, the deputy reported.
The boyfriend refused to complete a sworn affidavit and told the deputy that he didn’t want to “press charges” against his girlfriend, who was then taken to the slammer.
These two have spawned. You have been warned.
But what happens if the boy toy does do the deed but doesn’t do it well enough? Police in Bradenton (which is in Manatee County) say the nice young lady politely beat the snot out of her beloved.
Raquel Gonzalez, 24, and her boyfriend were having some afternoon delight at their East Bradenton home when Gonzalez allegedly began to scratch her boyfriend’s face because she was not satisfied with the sex, according to the sheriff’s office, reports the Bradenton Herald.
Gonzalez told deputies that she had “scratches on me too from where he tried to restrain me when I lost it,” according to the report.
Ah yes the old “It’s okay because he tried to stop me” defense. Ah, what the hell? It’s Florida so it may just work.
Of course the Police in Bradenton (there is something seriously wrong in this town) say that the situation is much worse when a cougar is involved.
Guess they just can’t get no satisfaction in the Bradenton area.
Jennie Lyn Scott, 50, allegedly struck her 32-year-old boyfriend after he reportedly “finished first and stopped pleasuring her,” reports The Smoking Gun.
Deputies said alcohol was a most definitely a factor and the Palmetto woman had been uspet with her lover because she had reportedly “heard [him] having sex with another woman over the phone earlier.”
Go ahead, read that one again. Savor the subtle nuances. She heard him having phone sex with another woman so she wanted to have sex with him. This is a first for me. I will have to try it and see if I can get a cougar too.
Of course, it’s not just Bradenton. It’s endemic to all of Florida. Police in Stuart found our next couple of the year.
There’s a price to being a refusenik.
Just ask this woman’s boyfriend.
Stacey Ann Ortiz’s boyfriend, clad only in his underwear, reportedly told Port St. Lucie that they had been drinking at a friend’s home earlier. When they got home he said he wanted to watch TV — but she wanted sex, according to the arrest affidavit, reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.
And in Coral Springs …..
Inez Nunez’s boyfriend had called the cops and reported Nunez hit him in the face and pushed him because he said she was “ugly” and refused to have sex with her, reports the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.
The boyfriend’s father reported he had heard a slap and saw Nunez pushing his son and fighting with him on the floor. Nunez told police she did slap and push her boyfriend because he was disrespectful, according to the arrest report.
The 18-year-old Coral Springs woman added that he had choked her and punched her in the chest, but later changed her story, the report stated.
If she’s ugly now she was ugly then. So, in this case, I bear little sympathy for the young man. He knew what he was getting into the second she let him get into it.
But what happens if the guys do escape the clutches of their overanxious paramours? According to the Police in Ocala, that’s when things get really bad.
Law enforcement officers said two mothers left their young children alone at the beach at Gator Joe’s Bar and Grill on Mother’s Day while they took a boozy tour on Lake Weir.
Billie Jean Williams, 27, and Mary Joyce Daffron, 28, were arrested and accused of leaving their children, 8 and 6 respectively, at Gator Joe’s, at 12431 SE 135th Ave., Ocklawaha. The children approached staff of the restaurant and told them they could not find their mothers and suspected they had left them, according to Marion County Sheriff’s Office reports.
After a deputy arrived, the children said they were playing on the beach when they noticed their mothers were missing. The women’s chairs and belongings were found undisturbed on the beach, reports state.
A man, who only gave his name as “John,” told deputies he knew one of the women from high school and had run into her Sunday. He said he had seen her and the other woman get on a boat at least an hour before, according to reports.
The boat on which the women left was eventually spotted approaching the beach. As the vessel neared Gator Joe’s, both women, who were highly intoxicated, fell into the water as they tried to get off the boat, reports state.
Williams began yelling at her 8-year-old due to having law enforcement called, reports state. The women said they had been gone only 10 minutes and the children were left under the supervision of the 8-year-old’s “godfather.”
Officers later discovered the “godfather” was, in fact, the man named John, whose last name neither woman knew. The 8-year-old said Sunday was the first time they had ever met John, reports state.
It was determined the children were left alone for almost an hour while the women went drinking on the boat, according to reports.
The women were both arrested just before 5 p.m. Daffron tried to pull away from officers and was thrown to the ground and handcuffed, reports said.
The children were placed in the care of relatives.
Williams and Daffron were booked into the Marion County Jail on one count each of child neglect. Daffron was additionally charged with resisting arrest without violence.
Williams was released Sunday night after posting $5,000 bond. Daffron remained at the jail Monday evening with bail set at $5,500.
Yes, you read that right. They spent Mother’s Day abandoning their young children in a bar so they could hit a booze cruise.
Of course the obvious question is “Where were all these psycho horny women when I needed them?”
And then the obvious prayer is “Thank you God for letting me dodge those bad decisions.”
But, if you do find yourself in a similar situation, it might be safer to Just Say Yes.