Archives for April 2013

It is often claimed, wrongly, that the Vatican has the world’s largest porn collection. Given the many troubles besieging the church these days I thought Catholics should get some good news. By the way, the word Gospel is Greek for Good News. Nevertheless, it is refreshing to know that the pope isn’t sitting in a secret basement spanking one off to a copy of Big Uns. How did the rumor get started? Probably by some Puritanical half wit who saw the Vatican’s collection of Renaissance art. You know, that whole movement that led to an explosion of intellect and style? Clearly that must be stopped. Anyway, as I said, there is no secret vault filled with Vatican owned porn.

Sorry.

That, however, does not mean that the Vatican is filled with the pure of heart and dry of loins. No sirree Bob, I tell you what. Our old pal David Moye reports that someone at the Vatican has been downloading lesbian fetish porn.

Well who could blame them?

Any actor appreciates reaching a new audience. But when two porn actresses discovered that their work was being downloaded by an anonymous source in Vatican City, it’s a feeling not so easy to describe.

“It doesn’t change my stand against piracy, but I was pretty excited,” Tiffany Starr, a pre-op transsexual, told The Huffington Post.

A scene Starr filmed with actress Sheena Shaw is from one of the adult films that Torrent Freak discovered was downloaded from an IP address in Vatican City.

While Vatican City is the home of the pope and the Catholic Church’s hierarchy, it’s unclear who watched this film — or if that person has any connection to the church. The sovereign nation within Italy has roughly 800 residents, according to the CIA World Factbook.

“Some religious people look down on adult films,” Starr told HuffPost. “I think this sends a message not to be ashamed.”

She also hopes that it helps, in its own way, make things easier for transgender people.

“It might open eyes that things aren’t so cut-and-dried,” she said.

Porn actress Lea Lexis was also surprised to discover her scene was downloaded in Vatican City, mainly because it was for a website called WhippedAss.com and featured her flogging, paddling and spanking co-star Krissy Lynn before engaging in hardcore sex.

“It is not for everybody,” she told HuffPost Live.

Lexis says this situation proves that there are “hypocrites” everywhere — and not just because the downloads are teeming with sexual content. They’re also stolen.

“[The downloaded files] were torrents, which means they’re stolen movies,” she said. “They’re not actually bought movies … and that is the bigger surprise.”

Lexis also believes that the revelation may prove that church officials are living in a glass house.

“[Porn stars] have been judged for our industry and doing what we do, especially by Catholics and Christians,” she said. “We all know everyone watches porn and this is a statement that really everybody watches porn.”

Lexis, who writes scripts for her movies as well, admits she is tempted to set a movie in the church now.

“The church environment has always been inspiring for numerous fantasies,” she told HuffPost by email. “The whole idea of individuals having to control their sexual urges to the point where they explode in intense, passionate sex is an absolute turn on.”

She is correct. Naughty nuns have been a repeated image since the church allowed women to serve. And the whole studly father mythos has even been used to sell ice cream.

Still, there is some good news in this article. The porn featured adults doing adult stuff and had nothing to do with children.

Yeah, I take my good news where I can find it.

Semargl – Tak, Kurwa [Uncensored] from SEMARGL official

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When I was 7 years old my mother almost killed me. On purpose. We were on the traditional American vacation; driving for hours without stopping or seeing anything. The point of this particular automotive marathon was to get to the Rocky Mountains and do the Pikes Peak tour. Yes, the same Pikes Peak where I was nearly gutted by a moose about 13 years later. At the time I thought seeing a mountain would be “neat” and “cool” but in retrospect i should probably just stay the hell out of Colorado on general principles. Anyway, mom and I had just passed through the nuclear wasteland called Nebraska when you could just make out the mountains in the distance. The sun was just starting to set and, while distant and small, it was still a beautiful sight. Or so my mother claimed. After she waxed rhapsodic about the sight for a few minutes I petulantly – I was 7 remember? – said, “Fine, can I go back to my comic book now?” It was at that point she almost killed me.

Speaking of moose, IKEA just recalled their moose lasagna because it is made with pork. There is so much wrong with that statement that I don’t know where to begin.

In non-moose related news, the whole point of today’s blog is to help you avoid some vacation pitfalls. Like don’t get attacked by moose. Or don’t get married in a Denny’s.

Can’t decide which you love more — your honey or maple syrup? If you’re in Las Vegas, you’re in luck. Behind its bright-yellow, abstract facade, the Denny’s restaurant in the Neonopolis district on Fremont Street (a short drive from the Strip) that opened last November is now accepting bookings for its in-house wedding chapel.

Given that other fast food-lover lovers have gotten hitched at White Castle, McDonald’s, Taco Bell and KFC, the idea of a chain diner carving out space for weddings — especially in Las Vegas, epicenter of quirky wedding themes — might not be as strange as it sounds.

The company says it’s had “many inquiries” from others who want to pledge their eternal love over a Lumberjack Slam or Moons Over My Hammy.

An Iowa bride and groom were the first to tie the knot earlier this week.

For $95, couples get a bottle of champagne, a Pancake Puppie wedding cake (Denny’s answer to the cake-pop trend) and “Just Married” T-shirts. Unfortunately for bacon lovers, Denny’s says it currently has no plans to turns its caramel-bacon brownie sundae or bacon-stuffed caramel French toast into wedding cake.

The package doesn’t include a photographer, but the celebrants can commemorate their special day in the restaurant’s photo booth. And this Denny’s has a full bar, so guests can toast the newlyweds with something stronger than a maple bacon milkshake. Maybe the Grand Slamosa — a mimosa with Grand Mariner — would fit the bill.

What the Grand Slam Breakfast has joined, let no one separate.

When I was a randy teen we would hang out at Denny’s late at night. The idea was simple. As long as we had a cup of coffee we could hang out. So we could stay out late at night. And occasionally boink in the parking lot. But, I can promise you this, I never once thought about getting married there.

But, if you do find yourself getting married at Denny’s then this next vacation thrill is probably right up your alley.

Custom extreme kidnapping.

It’s a Detroit thing.

If you’ve got a couple hundred bucks to burn and a masochistic streak, then maybe it’s time to check out a Detroit business that promises to give the thrill of a real-life abduction.

That’s right, in a city with more than its fair share of true crime, the founder of Extreme Kidnapping is looking for customers to pay him to be kidnapped.

“This service caters to the extreme sports adventurer who is bored with what’s currently available; this takes it to a whole other level,” says entrepreneur Adam Thick aka in the rap world as Mr. Scrillion. “If you don’t feel like you’re really being kidnapped and your life is in danger, then we’re not doing our job.”

Extreme Kidnapping had a low profile for years until a GQ writer signed on to get shanghaied and merrily recalled his night in captivity.

For $1,500 Drew Magary was handcuffed, duct taped, soaked, slapped and zapped with a stun gun (and more) by Thick, a convicted counterfeiter and his henchmen.

There are more economic experiences available that might appeal to shoppers who are cautious about passing a night in a dingy basement. Thick customizes each abduction and unlike an old-fashioned kidnapping, an Extreme Therapy hostage has the ability to call off the goons and abort the torture at any moment by uttering a preselected safe word.

As a memento, all customers get a video of willingly being held against their will.

The Michael Douglass film “The Game” provided the idea for Extreme Kidnapping.

The company’s motto might as well be, “It should be against the law to have this much fun.”

“…handcuffed, duct taped, soaked, slapped and zapped with a stun gun (and more)…”

Doesn’t that just scream FUNNN!

And what could possibly go wrong? Like cops accidentally seeing this going down and punching holes in otherwise solid people. On the other hand, if you were talked into getting married at a Denny’s this might seem like a good out.

TSURUFOTO Presents… Isabella Misery in The Return Of Bluebeard (NSFW)

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Do you ever take a moment to worry about humanity? I do. It kind of comes with the turf around here. It’s not just the residents of Florida, although they are cause for a pause, it’s just that people everywhere say and do some incredibly dumb things. That would be bad enough, I suppose, but then those self same people who have trouble with the usual reality try and impose their version of it on the rest of us. I’ll give you an example. There is one thing that pedophiles and rapists have in common; they are cowardly losers who assert complete control over their victims. Their actions have nothing to do with sex or love and everything to do with power. One thing they aren’t, according to anyone with any experience, is gay. Oh there may be the occasional gay person who commits these crimes too, but they are in the vast minority. Another thing is true too. When you see a gay person walking their dog that is all they are doing. They are not boinking it as well. I say this despite the fact that there are those who sadly believe otherwise.

Logic, reason and facts are woefully denied them. And that’s the way they like it.

Dylan Stableford, of YAHOO! News, says that it’s worse out there than you might think.

13% of Americans think that our president is the Anti-Christ.

Seven percent of American voters believe the moon landing was faked, 6 percent say Osama bin Laden is still alive, and 13 percent think President Barack Obama is the Antichrist.

This is according to a new poll from Public Policy Polling, which recently conducted a survey on 20 “widespread and/or infamous” conspiracy theories.

According to the poll of 1,247 registered American voters, 37 percent believe global warming is a hoax. Among Republicans, the poll found that 58 percent believe global warming is a hoax, while just 25 percent do not. Among Democrats, 11 percent believe global warming is a hoax, while 77 percent do not.

Nearly a third (29 percent) of those polled believe aliens exist, which could explain why 1 in 5 (21 percent) American voters says a UFO crashed in Roswell, N.M., in 1947 and that the U.S. government covered it up.

Fourteen percent, by contrast, believe in Bigfoot, the poll found.

Voters are split (44 percent say yes, 45 percent no) on whether President George W. Bush intentionally misled the American people about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. A vast majority (72 percent) of Democrats think Bush lied about WMDs while just 13 percent of Republicans think so.

Meanwhile, a majority of voters (51 percent) say a larger conspiracy was at work in the Nov. 22, 1963, assassination of President John F. Kennedy—just 25 percent say Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.

And there are more than a few American voters who believe the government is evil:

• 14% of voters say the CIA was instrumental in creating the crack cocaine epidemic in America’s inner cities in the 1980s.
• 9% of voters think the government adds fluoride to our water supply for sinister reasons (not just dental health).
• 15% of voters say the government or the media adds mind-controlling technology to TV broadcast signals.
• 5% believe exhaust seen in the sky behind airplanes is actually chemicals sprayed by the government for sinister reasons.
• 15% of voters think the medical industry and the pharmaceutical industry “invent” new diseases to make money.
• 4% of voters say they believe shape-shifting “lizard people” control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power.
• 11% of voters believe the US government allowed 9/11 to happen (78% do not agree).

Perhaps most surprising: 5 percent of those polled believe Paul McCartney actually died in 1966 and was secretly replaced in the Beatles.

Maybe Macca’s replacement was a lizard.

“Take me to your lizard” is one of the best lines in a very funny book. It is not, and I promise you this, a nonfiction book.

But all is not lost. Scientists – remember them? – have announced they found the literal Gates of Hell. I see package deals being offered to the people above.

Claudine Zap, a very cool name, has the whole story.

Or would that be the “hole” story?

It sounds like something out of a horror movie. But Italian scientists say that the “Gate to Hell” is the real deal—poisonous vapors and all.

The announcement of the finding of the ruins of Pluto’s Gate (Plutonium in Latin) at an archeology conference in Turkey last month, was recently reported by Discovery News. Francesco D’Andria, professor of classic archaeology at the University of Salento in Lecce, Italy, who has been excavating the ancient Greco-Roman World Heritage Site of Hierapolis for years, led the research team.

D’Andria told Discovery News he used ancient mythology as his guide to locate the legendary portal to the underworld. “We found the Plutonium by reconstructing the route of a thermal spring. Indeed, Pamukkale’ springs, which produce the famous white travertine terraces originate from this cave.”

Scribes like Cicero and the Greek geographer Strabo mentioned the gate to hell as located at the ancient site in Turkey, noted Discovery, but nobody had been able to find it until now.

“Pluto’s Gate” has been documented in the Princeton Encyclopedia of Classical Sites, which noted in its description of ancient Hierapolis, “Adjoining the temple on the SE is the Plutoneion, which constituted the city’s chief claim to fame. It was described by Strabo as an orifice in a ridge of the hillside, in front of which was a fenced enclosure filled with thick mist immediately fatal to any who entered.”

Strabo (64 B.C.- 24 B.C.) wrote, “This space is full of a vapor so misty and dense that one can scarcely see the ground. Any animal that passes inside meets instant death. I threw in sparrows and they immediately breathed their last and fell.”

The portal to the underworld seems just as bad for your health today. The professor said, “We could see the cave’s lethal properties during the excavation. Several birds died as they tried to get close to the warm opening, instantly killed by the carbon dioxide fumes.”

According to Discovery News, the fumes emanated from a cave below the site, which includes ionic columns with inscriptions to Pluto and Kore, gods of the underworld. Also discovered: the remains of a temple, and a pool and stairs placed above the cave. D’Andria is now working on a digital rendering of the site.

Amazingly, this isn’t the first entry to the underworld in the world. In the Karakum Desert, reports the Daily Mail, a fiery pit that’s been lit up for over 40 years has inspired visitors to Derweze in Turkmenistan—and on the Web. Geologists drilling in the area came across a natural gas cavern. Hoping to burn off the gas, they set it on fire. The flames continued to burn, leading locals to dub the site the “door to hell.”

You see why we don’t need conspiracy theories or made up demons? The real world is chock full of enough tangible terrors and devilish delights to keep me entertained for a life time.

And maybe beyond.

SKRILLEX & WOLFGANG GARTNER – THE DEVIL’S DEN (Unofficial Music Video)

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For the last six weeks I have been living a bourbon free existence. Not that I’ve been a vestal virgin it’s just that I have been trying to get healthy. Note I did not say healthier. Zombies would have qualified at that low level. As I told my buddy this morning I just do what the doctor tells me and I feel better every day. I have also lost about 6 inches off my waist and no longer look like I was filled with helium by some demented scientist. So life is kind of fun again. Also I no longer require oxygen when I walk up a flight of stairs. Actually, I often required oxygen at the mere thought of walking up a flight of stairs. This, much to my surprise, is better. A lot better.

But you don’t read this scandal sheet to find out good news. So let’s start with a nice kick off piece that features crashes, nudity and a hazmat team.

Live, love, hurt, dance…naked after ramming your wheels into a wall.

Several law enforcement officers, sickened by an apparent chemical exposure after arriving to the scene of single-vehicle crash, found the driver, Felix Lockett, dancing naked in the street, according to Orange County Fire Rescue, reports the Orlando Sentinel.

The 34-year-old driver reportedly was taken to a hospital with injuries described as “serious.”

A Hazmat team later found a bottle containing a chemical, believed to be formaldehyde inside the car and suspect Lockett may have been combining the chemical with pot or other drugs, according to authorities.

In case you want to sound much hipper than you are, low buck druggies use formaldehyde to massively increase the high they get from smoking pot or low grade hash. It is also very risky and people die from it even during the first use. In other words, it’s a good choice for a naked guy in Florida.

Another Florida gem is this guy. He stole $1,000 worth of booze so he could party by himself.

Make your 50th trip to the pokey in the same city special.

Like this dude.

A manager at Red Mesa Cantina in St. Petersburg saw a man with six bottles of booze jump over the eatery’s gate and hightail it down an alley, reports the Tampa Bay Times in St. Petersburg.

Surveillance video at the restaurant later revealed the dude swiped about $1,000 in booze, according to the report.

Atter getting a tip that Randall Clyde Brown was at a nearby park passing out shots of booze, cops reportedly found him there holding bottles of Bauchant liqueur and Seagram’s sweet tea flavored vodka.

Cops love repeat business.

They hand out coupons to valued customers.

This next article almost needs nothing more than the headline; Cops: Butt-baring woman threw papayas at ex craving birthday sex.

It turned out to be a bummer for a dude who wanted birthday sex — but got papayas.

When Vero Beach cops responded to a report of a disturbance, they were met by a “very intoxicated” Suzanne Evlarina Wasden, whose pants were partially down exposing some of her hindquarters, according to an arrest affidavit, reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

Wasden, 49, told the cops her ex-boyfriend had dropped by her home “looking for birthday sex,” the affidavit stated.

A 16-year-old boy who lives in the trailer next door told cops that when Wasden came to his place to get a cigarette and beer, she began to scream and throw papayas at him and the ex before mooning the men and telling them “Kiss my butt,” according to the report.

A 16 year old boy, cigarettes and beer in one sentence and it’s the most normal part of that story.

But parents don’t just get kids like that. They have to be raised. And Andrea Keesling clearly wants to win the Floridian mom of the year award.

It’s a special ceremony.

Deputies responding to a request from an anonymous caller to perform a welfare check on a special needs child arrived at the Sarasota home and found the mom, Andrea Keesling, 33, unconscious and hanging off a reclining chair, according to a news release from the Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office.

Her 5-month-old infant son was reportedly strapped in a car seat on the floor — with a crushed codeine pill about one foot away from him, deputies said.

The baby was also reportedly hungry and in need of a diaper change.

Mom finally responded after a deputy shook her, after numerous attempts to wake her, the release stated.

Keesling, who already has an extensive criminal history of drug arrests, DUI and prescription fraud, is now charged with Child Neglect, Possession of a Controlled Substance, Possession of Drug Paraphernalia and Obstruction. The baby is now in DCF custody, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

So, kids, if you must party, and I know you must, please do so responsibly like the staff of the World News Center in the next video.

After all, we started with dance, it’s only fitting we end it the same way.

The Constellations “Afterparty” uncensored music video from Video Rahim

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Despite the gentle reassurances of Ambassador Dennis Rodman (yes, you now live in Bizarro world), not many people believe that North Korea is run by a sane person. Just last year the nice folks in Pyongyang threatened to turn Seoul into a “Sea of Fire.” That is different than Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire. Also not as catchy. But the problem is that, for all the high comedy that North Korea provides, they also do have real nuclear weapons. The kind that go boom and make lots of people very dead. And if they can’t figure out how to fit them on a missile they sure as hell can load them into a plane. That may seem retro to you but to the people it could land on the delivery method is irrelevant. The Chinese, North Korea’s staunchest allies, have been quietly staying quiet. In the “let’s avoid WW III” sense, that’s good news. If North Korea does do something they know as well as anyone else that America would bomb Pyongyang back into the stone age. Which, given their current level of technology, might be an upgrade.

But Americans are, in the main, woefully ignorant of our strange little enemy and our Gangnam loving allies to their immediate south. So, today, I thought I’d offer you a glimpse into each so that you can better understand the world around you.

First, Caitlin Dewey shares with us a look at the North Korean equivalent of Facebook.

Most North Koreans can’t access the Internet, and only foreigners can use the country’s brand-new 3G cellular network. But the country has still developed its own rudimentary social network — which you can now see for yourself, thanks to a SXSW panel the Associated Press’s Jean Lee gave this weekend.

Lee shared this screenshot from the unnamed social network, which is more of an intranet bulletin board and is used largely to post birthday messages, especially among university students and professors.

In a Twitter message, Lee said she hasn’t seen “much more than that” on the boards. Despite a widespread interest in technology there — many people have Chinese-made tablets they call “iPads,” and Kim Jong Eun has billed himself as something of a computer nerd — there’s little overt interest in undermining (or opening) the system. Lee said many people are actually proud of their domestic intranet, and she has seen no sign of underground usage.

Lee, the AP’s Korea bureau chief and the only American journalist allowed regular access to North Korea, made headlines earlier this year when she sent some of the first tweets and Instagrams on North Korea’s Koryolink network.

That 3G network, which Lee said she considers a small step toward Internet openness, is still available only to foreigners. North Koreans use “Red Star,” a state-run operating system that includes government-sanctioned Web sites and local message boards, which means they can’t access Western social networks like Facebook and Twitter.

“North Korea is one of the unique countries in the world because virtually every computer or technology that could be used for some social media application is regulated by the government,” Ramest Srinivasan, who studies social media and regime change, told the Post in 2011. “The North Korean censorship approach runs all the way down to the level of hardware.”

A friend of mine is from North Korea. He shared an interesting anecdote with me once. He said that while stealing foreign copywritten materials is almost a state sponsored hobby, stealing anything belonging to the state is an automatic death sentence. And the state can randomly decide what is and is not fair game.

It’s like a daily game of Russian Roulette.

Our allies, and their neighbors to the south, a/k/a South Korea, are a little less stressful on their citizens. In fact, if a South Korean offers to let you “take a load off” they may mean it quite literally as South Korea holds the only, as far as I know, Toilet Theme Park.

The porcelain god finally gets its altar at South Korea’s Haewoojae, loosely translated as “a place of sanctuary where one can solve one’s worries”, but better known in English as the Toilet Culture Exhibit Hall and Theme Park.

The toilet park, which officially opened on 4 July 2012, started life as the vision of Sim Jae-duck, known as Mr Toilet thanks to his efforts to improve the city toilets at the 2002 World Cup during his tenure as the mayor of Suwon City, South Korea, where the park is now located. He also helped found the World Toilet Association, which is dedicated to improving sanitation around the world.

In 2007, Sim constructed the world’s first toilet-shaped house in Suwon City, in which he lived until his death in 2009. After he passed away, the house was converted into a museum, documenting the world’s water closet culture through men and women’s bathroom signs from around the globe, photographs of public toilets and information about the importance of sanitary bathroom facilities.

The museum was expanded into a full-fledged theme park in 2012, complete with scatological sculptures and different styles of toilets, such as squat toilets traditionally used in Korea, European chamber pots and historical urinals shaped like little four-legged creatures with a round hole in place of a face. While visitors are welcome to mimic relieving themselves (making for some fun photo opportunities), the park has its own set of modern bathrooms available for the real thing. The park does not have traditional rides, but guests are encouraged to interact with the exhibits and various sculptures.

The park opens from 10am to 6pm daily, and is closed Mondays. Admission is free, though the museum accepts donations to continue its mission to improve toilet hygiene and education.

Haewoojae, whose corporate motto is, and I am not making this up, Let’s be a toilet angel, features South Parks Mr. Hanky on their front page. Since, as we all know, nothing says “toilet angel” like sarcastic Christmas poo.

I’m sure you agree.

Anyway, there you have it. Go to North Korea and enjoy an internet that is slightly more functional than a clay tablet and risk death or go to South Korea and be flush in friendship.

Visualtraveling – ‘Kim Il-Sung’s Birthday Party’ from Patrik Wallner on Vimeo.

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