PAR-TAY!

For the last six weeks I have been living a bourbon free existence. Not that I’ve been a vestal virgin it’s just that I have been trying to get healthy. Note I did not say healthier. Zombies would have qualified at that low level. As I told my buddy this morning I just do what the doctor tells me and I feel better every day. I have also lost about 6 inches off my waist and no longer look like I was filled with helium by some demented scientist. So life is kind of fun again. Also I no longer require oxygen when I walk up a flight of stairs. Actually, I often required oxygen at the mere thought of walking up a flight of stairs. This, much to my surprise, is better. A lot better.

But you don’t read this scandal sheet to find out good news. So let’s start with a nice kick off piece that features crashes, nudity and a hazmat team.

Live, love, hurt, dance…naked after ramming your wheels into a wall.

Several law enforcement officers, sickened by an apparent chemical exposure after arriving to the scene of single-vehicle crash, found the driver, Felix Lockett, dancing naked in the street, according to Orange County Fire Rescue, reports the Orlando Sentinel.

The 34-year-old driver reportedly was taken to a hospital with injuries described as “serious.”

A Hazmat team later found a bottle containing a chemical, believed to be formaldehyde inside the car and suspect Lockett may have been combining the chemical with pot or other drugs, according to authorities.

In case you want to sound much hipper than you are, low buck druggies use formaldehyde to massively increase the high they get from smoking pot or low grade hash. It is also very risky and people die from it even during the first use. In other words, it’s a good choice for a naked guy in Florida.

Another Florida gem is this guy. He stole $1,000 worth of booze so he could party by himself.

Make your 50th trip to the pokey in the same city special.

Like this dude.

A manager at Red Mesa Cantina in St. Petersburg saw a man with six bottles of booze jump over the eatery’s gate and hightail it down an alley, reports the Tampa Bay Times in St. Petersburg.

Surveillance video at the restaurant later revealed the dude swiped about $1,000 in booze, according to the report.

Atter getting a tip that Randall Clyde Brown was at a nearby park passing out shots of booze, cops reportedly found him there holding bottles of Bauchant liqueur and Seagram’s sweet tea flavored vodka.

Cops love repeat business.

They hand out coupons to valued customers.

This next article almost needs nothing more than the headline; Cops: Butt-baring woman threw papayas at ex craving birthday sex.

It turned out to be a bummer for a dude who wanted birthday sex — but got papayas.

When Vero Beach cops responded to a report of a disturbance, they were met by a “very intoxicated” Suzanne Evlarina Wasden, whose pants were partially down exposing some of her hindquarters, according to an arrest affidavit, reports Will Greenlee in his Off the Beat blog for TCPalm.com in Stuart.

Wasden, 49, told the cops her ex-boyfriend had dropped by her home “looking for birthday sex,” the affidavit stated.

A 16-year-old boy who lives in the trailer next door told cops that when Wasden came to his place to get a cigarette and beer, she began to scream and throw papayas at him and the ex before mooning the men and telling them “Kiss my butt,” according to the report.

A 16 year old boy, cigarettes and beer in one sentence and it’s the most normal part of that story.

But parents don’t just get kids like that. They have to be raised. And Andrea Keesling clearly wants to win the Floridian mom of the year award.

It’s a special ceremony.

Deputies responding to a request from an anonymous caller to perform a welfare check on a special needs child arrived at the Sarasota home and found the mom, Andrea Keesling, 33, unconscious and hanging off a reclining chair, according to a news release from the Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office.

Her 5-month-old infant son was reportedly strapped in a car seat on the floor — with a crushed codeine pill about one foot away from him, deputies said.

The baby was also reportedly hungry and in need of a diaper change.

Mom finally responded after a deputy shook her, after numerous attempts to wake her, the release stated.

Keesling, who already has an extensive criminal history of drug arrests, DUI and prescription fraud, is now charged with Child Neglect, Possession of a Controlled Substance, Possession of Drug Paraphernalia and Obstruction. The baby is now in DCF custody, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

So, kids, if you must party, and I know you must, please do so responsibly like the staff of the World News Center in the next video.

After all, we started with dance, it’s only fitting we end it the same way.

The Constellations “Afterparty” uncensored music video from Video Rahim

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