Things We Learn

Today we gonna learn you up good.
Today we gonna learn you up good.
Life is full of lessons. And lessons learned by one generation do not necessarily benefit the next. Children of my era were tossed from our homes and told to go play. Nowadays a parent would have to be insane to do that. The risk of a child being killed is simply too great. When I was young I was told how to treat a lady. My grandmother would flail me if I failed to follow those rules. Above and beyond showing respect I was taught to open doors and help her sit at a restaurant. I recently did that for a nice lady I’d met and she politely mentioned that she wasn’t crippled. So we live, we learn and things change. Still and all there are some things that don’t change. Or so we tend to believe.

Sadly a school in Maryland has joined a growing, and disturbing, list of schools that seems hell bent on turning kids into soulless automatons. They have banned hugging. And homemade cookies.

From the same state that suspended a 7-year-old for turning his Pop Tart into a Pop Tart shaped like a gun, comes a ban on hugging.

Southern Maryland Newspapers Online reports on the new guidelines for visitors, parents and students for St. Mary’s County public elementary schools:

Birthday invitations should not be handed out at school, Hall said, because students who are not invited could have their feelings hurt. She said school PTAs could develop phone and email contact lists, with parents’ approval, to distribute.
Foods for celebrations should be limited to store-bought items that contain ingredient lists so as not to interfere with children’s food allergies, according to the rules.

Parents visiting the cafeteria should not hug or touch children other than their own, nor should they discipline other children, the guidelines say. Parents should also not walk with their child when he or she leaves the cafeteria.

Other changes include limiting recess visits for parents, prohibiting visits from siblings and a new ban on approaching teachers in person to schedule meetings. Visitors must also now check in with the front desk and have their photo taken. The complete list of rules can be read in the Best Practices on School Visitors document.

The rules were chosen by a panel of parents and teachers over four meetings.

To the best of our knowledge, the school has no current plans to ban Flamin’ Hot Cheetos or award-winning books.

This isn’t the first school hugging ban. Schools in Oregon and Florida banned two people wrapping their arms around each other in 2010. For a variety of reasons, the act of expressing emotion with physical contact was also banned in schools in New Jersey, Brooklyn and New Zealand in 2012.

I may be childless but I’m not clueless. When I have made foods for my nephews and nieces to take to school I always include a list of ingredients. In fact, to make it a fun project, I have the kids write the lists. Considering that several commercial brands have been shown to contain ingredients that are not listed or are in radically different amounts than listed, I’m not sure what benefit this rule has.

And the no hugging thing is stupid. Do they really want to reinforce the idea that all adults are possible pedophiles?

The more kids are forced to do things alone and without contact the more likely they are to grow up to be like Tyree Carter; library lover and public masturbator.

Here’s the real reason your pages were stuck together.

Tyree S. Carter, 20, was allegedly caught openly masturbating in the Racine Public Library in Racine, Wisc. Wednesday morning.

The employee who spotted Carter says he was “standing in the open, not trying to conceal the act,” according to a criminal complaint obtained by The Journal Times.

Police say Carter ultimately admitted to the act, saying it was the first time he had done it in public.

Carter’s bond was set at $1,000, and on Thursday, he bonded out of jail on the condition that he “stay out of all the libraries on the face of the earth,” court records state.

Brian Mackus, a former page at the Edison Public Library in Edison, N.J, says he’s not terribly surprised that someone was masturbating in a library.

“It’s not uncommon for people to use public terminals for adult material,” he told HuffPost Weird News. “Some of our terminals in the children’s secton had outside Internet functionality turned off to prevent this very thing.”

Nevertheless, Mackus, 28, did not recall any specific incidents of someone masturbating at the Edison library.

“The worst I had to deal with was taking body books away from giggling middle schoolers trying to make sense of a poorly drawn vagina,” he said.

Kids giggling at naughty bits is a timeless tradition. I did it, you did it, all God’s chillens did it. That is a long leap from whipping it out in public and grooming the one eyed wonder weasel.

Of course, to one family, masturbation is the only way to go. And, in their case, I find that I heartily agree. You see they’re actively trying to reduce the number of stupid people and they’re doing it by leading by example. They have stopped breeding.

Most of the doomsday hoopla disapppeared after the overhyped Mayan prophecy date of December 21, 2012 came and went, but there are still people making life-changing decisions about the supposed impending end of the world.

Take Brad and Krystal, a couple with three children from Tulsa, Okla. Fearing that a catastrophic economic collapse and the end times are right around the corner, they decided it’s just not a good time to have any more children.

“We would not want for her to be pregnant and in a bunker,” Brad said

The couple, who wouldn’t let their last name be used, are featured on the March 19 season finale of the National Geographic series “Doomsday Preppers.”

Besides holding off on more kids, they’ve prepared for their doomsday fantasies by taking family vacations to bunkers, instead of traditional choices like the beach.

Krystal says the decision to cap their brood wasn’t approached lightly.

“It’s been a long hard decision to not pursue [a family],” she said. “But we look at the fact that if we have to go into the bunker, I’ve had my first son C-sectioned, so my next one would have to have a C-section at that point.”

It’s a painful, but pragmatic decision, according to Brad.

“Without the medical attention that she would need in the bunker, she would probably not make it,” he said.

Now that’s a style of family planning we should all endorse. If you’re dumb enough to believe in the apocalypse or fairies or anything like that you should immediately remove yourself from the gene pool.

Also, while you’re at it, don’t vote either.


Crystal Castles – Insulin (NSFW Music Video) from David Dean Burkhart on Vimeo.

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