Award Winning Moms

Budget cuts are affecting everything.
Budget cuts are affecting everything.
God has decided that my being sick isn’t entertaining enough. So, today, just for funsies, the heat is out. Normally, on those days where I’m not scheduled to be in the office, I like to get the morning papers. However I figure if I walk outside and get even colder, certainly wetter, and then come back to an unheated room I will catch pneumonia and die. I don’t want to catch pneumonia and die. I have too many other things planned. So it’s Internet only for me for a while. Oh the tragedy of it all. How will I muddle through? Well, I guess I’ll suffer so you don’t have to. Hmm, that sounds familiar. I wonder if anyone else ever done that? No, of course not. I’m the first. It’s my cross to bear.

While today I am going to focus on moms, I thought I’d give a quick shout out to the future mom in Wisconsin who thought it would be fun for her and her Boo to play with a 9mm semi-automatic on Valentine’s day. She’s lucky all she got was an extra hole in her butt. I’m sure she’ll learn from this little episode and become the award winning mom we all know she can be.

We’l kick things off with the fun story of the lovely Asia Walker. In an effort to be discreet she and her boyfriend moved their amorous moment to the car so they wouldn’t be doing the mattress mambo in front of kids or strangers.

So far so good.

Because they’re from Florida they made sure the car was in gear. They just neglected to see if the brakes worked said Daytona police as they pulled the car out of a house.

Their night started with a bang, and ended with a bang.

A Florida couple allegedly getting intimate in their car smashed all the way through a Daytona Beach home on Friday, according to WESH.

Police say Asia Walker, 30, and her boyfriend lost control of their loins — and their 2007 Hyundai — at about 5:30 a.m.

“She told the investigating trooper that her and the boyfriend were getting a little amorous and the trooper suspects that’s probably why she lost control of the vehicle,” Florida Highway Patrol spokeswoman Kim Montes told the station.

Walker slammed into the home, which was unoccupied at the time, in a crash so powerful the windows on the other side of the house blew out, NBC-2 reports.

Walker was injured by falling debris and taken to the hospital with cuts and bruises, the Daily Mail reports. Her boyfriend, Charles Phillips, wasn’t hurt.

Walker was charged with careless driving.

I wonder how much of that her carton insurance company is gong to cover? My guess is zero.

That being said, I am not one to talk. I once ruptured my prostrate while being entertained on a Harley which I lost control of and drove into a laundromat. As you can see, this could happen to anyone.

What can’t just happen to anyone is our next story.

Police in South Glenn Falls, New York arrested a mom for throwing her son a birthday party. Well, that and the strippers she hired.

As it turns out, strippers and underage teens do not the perfect birthday party make.

At least that’s the opinion of the South Glens Falls Police, who arrested New York mother Judy Viger on Monday for allegedly organizing and paying for a stripper surprise for her son’s 16th birthday.

Viger, 33, was charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child, according to the Associated Press. The incident reportedly occurred at Spare Time Bowling Center in South Glens Falls, N.Y., in November.

The AP reports that Viger is accused of hiring two women to dance with — and on — teens at the upstate bowling alley. The news outlet notes that pictures from the party appeared to show a “scantily clad, tattooed woman clinging upside down to a seated teen.”

Saratoga County District Attorney James Murphy told The Post Star that police had interviewed numerous witnesses and parents. Officials said some children at the party were as young as 13.

WRGB called Tops in Bottoms, the company that reportedly supplied the strippers, and the man who answered the phone told the station the incident was “blown out of proportion.”

Similarly, a man who said he was Viger’s friend argued “police have it all wrong,” Fox23 News writes.

According to WRGB, Tops In Bottoms said dancers did not know anyone at the party was underage.

No, of course they didn’t. All grown up men with jobs wear their high school letter sweaters over Avenger’s Assemble T-shirts while they tip with Chuck-E-Cheese tokens. And the fact that they all had voices like the Vienna Boys’ Choir was just a coincidence.

On the other hand, if I’m ever in South Glenn Falls New York I’ll know how to find some cheap, and morally ambiguous, entertainment.

But, now, let’s take a look at a truly modern family tale. It’s the gentle story of two moms, one penis and a brother who married his sister.

And, BONUS!!!, it’s not even in Florida.

One man has reportedly just found out that he and his wife, the mother to his three children, are half-siblings — but he has yet to tell her the news.

In a “Dear Prudence” letter, a husband tells Slate.com contributor Emily Yoffe that he and his wife were both “born to lesbians” — he to a single woman and she to a couple.

Unlike his wife, who’d met her biological father when she was 18, the man never felt the need to find his sperm donor until recently. His findings have left him in turmoil.

It turns out, his mother and his wife’s mothers had gone to different sperm banks, but, as the man writes, “it appears so did our father.”

To Yoffe, he describes his anxiety in telling his wife and even that he is considering keeping the discovery a secret.

“I can’t help but think ‘This is my sister’ every time I look at her now,” he writes.

Yoffe gives optimistic feedback regarding the couple’s marriage.

“I think there’s way too much emphasis put on DNA,” she writes back. “Yes, you two will have had a shock, but when it wears off you will be the same people you were before you found out.”

She also discusses how, or rather if, the pair should relay the news to their children.

Because the writer is anonymous, skepticism surrounds the letter. One “Dear Prudence” reader suggests that the story is “a fiction pushing a political agenda.”

Yoffe acknowledges the chance for a fake, but asserts that she rarely publishes stories that wind up being false.

In the past few years, the sperm bank industry has experienced controversy quite often.

Most recently, one sperm donor in Kansas had to fight an effort to force him to pay child support for a child conceived through artificial insemination by a lesbian couple.

More famously, a scandal ensued in 2011 when the New York Times reported that one man fathered 150 children through sperm donation.

Okay, let’s – for the moment – assume this is true. Despite what the highly paid, and woefully trained, advice columnist might think, DNA is VERY important. Do you know why the Bible admonished against brothers and sisters marrying? Because, even before DNA testing, they knew that three eyed kids with the IQ of lint were not a good thing. More importantly, inbreeding can lead to a wide variety of genetic diseases.

While I’m sorry this happened to the dude, he has to tell his family. Their lives could literally depend on it.

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