It’s The Fun-Shine State

Well, the world famous Florida Python hunt is over. 1,600 people paid $25 apiece to kill a total of 68 pythons. Considering that there are over 150,000 pythons loose in the swamps of Florida this was not a rousing success. Add in the fact that the unofficial numbers, no one will even mumble near a reporter, state that there were about 400 injuries and you have a pretty dismal showing. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission is calling it a “wonderful learning experience.” One gets the impression that the Florida…

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Naked Ambition

This site is not prudish. A quick search for the word “naked” will garner you hours of enjoyable reading. The same holds true if you search for “porn.” In fact you can even limit your search to “boobs” and you will be rewarded. Even so, today’s stories gave me pause. Not because they’re salacious, because they aren’t. Nor are they exploitative or degrading. Contrariwise they are uplifting and positive. Two things I’m not that comfortable with. If you want stories of happy puppies or stuff like that this really isn’t…

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The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

Did you see the Oscars last night? Me neither. Having a complete stranger tell me how much they love me, when they really just love the $10 I paid for the damn ticket, is not as heartwarming as these professional sociopaths seem to think. Add in the fact that they expect me to make a time commitment that lasts longer than most dates, and that includes the sex, and you can see why I might find something else to do with my time. I rearranged my sock drawer and cheered…

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Award Winning Moms

God has decided that my being sick isn’t entertaining enough. So, today, just for funsies, the heat is out. Normally, on those days where I’m not scheduled to be in the office, I like to get the morning papers. However I figure if I walk outside and get even colder, certainly wetter, and then come back to an unheated room I will catch pneumonia and die. I don’t want to catch pneumonia and die. I have too many other things planned. So it’s Internet only for me for a while.…

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Surprise!

Surprise circumcision. Unexpected colonoscopy. Unanticipated splenectomy. Waking up to find your left lung attempting to crawl out your throat. I don’t mean the last one literally but it sure felt like it around 5 AM. I woke up coughing which, if logic still works, means I was coughing in my sleep. Which is very odd. Nevertheless, I managed to get myself upright and soon enough the wall and I agreed not to leave each other. When I could finally gulp air I staggered into the bathroom and coughed up a…

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Theories of Relativity

It is colder than a witch’s tit in a brass brassiere outside. Judging by the emails I have been getting, many of you have joined me in coughing up bowling ball sized replicas of Spongebob with every other breath. And, if you’re like me, you’ve started naming the more unique samples. My favorite so far is Elroy. But there’s lots of competition left to go. Nevertheless, being included in the Brotherhood if International Phlegm Spewers is the highest honor I’ve gotten while writing this blog, so I am deeply touched.…

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Alien Arrivals

The last time a meteorite slammed into earth with any ferocity it happened in Tunguska. That event flattened trees and led to much wild speculation as to the possible cause. Answers ranged from the ludicrous, ALIENS ATTACK, to the interesting, antimatter, to the logical, a meteorite. One thing that couldn’t be denied was that the blast laid waste to a forest as though a bowling ball had been slammed into a sculpture made of toothpicks. Just in case it comes up I’ll break out the theories for you. The Alien…

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Happy Qi Xi!

Today is Valentine’s day. It is a day where people are expected to do certain things even if they are wildly outside their skill set. For example, last year at this time I was asked to give relationship advice. That was not as helpful as you might imagine. Even less helpful is the fact that I keep bringing up the fact that Valentine’s day is the only holiday to have a disease named after it. I already noted, yesterday, some of the many oddities in the history of the holiday.…

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Love the Liar, Hate the Lie?

Tomorrow is the day we celebrate love. Love is one of those things that comes with some expectations. Honesty, openness, sharing and so on. Well, that’s what it says in the press release. And, for the most part, it’s all true. Valentine’s day is widely attributed to a celebration of the selfless death of St. Valentine. The problem arises when you try to figure out which one. Here’s what the Catholic church, the people who authorize saints, has to say; “At least three different Saint Valentines, all of them martyrs,…

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It’s Doomsday Again!

Today’s blog will clearly explain why most scientists are hardened alcoholics by the age of 6. You may think that scientists are just nutty or absent minded but, in reality, they’re either drunk or suffering through the DTs on their way to a bar. You’ll understand why in a moment. My first draft of this blog was about the latest search for alien life. It was based on a great article by Ian O’Neill. Oh, go ahead, click on his name to read it. It will be worth your while.…

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