Fast Food, Slow Brains

They look good enough to eat. So do the burgers for that matter.
They look good enough to eat. So do the burgers for that matter.
Why don’t red states have to worry about a zombie apocalypse? Because zombies need brains to survive. Back on May 9th, 2012, North Carolina passed a GREAT law called “Amendment 1.” It effectively makes any relationship, other than heterosexual marriage, and only marriage, illegal. 61% of the mouth breathers that call NC home voted in favor of this law. As of now the law has had no effect on anything. It hasn’t been challenged since it hasn’t been enforced. Also in May of last year, it was a busy month, Kansas passed Senate Bill 79. It was designed to prevent anyone from having to submit to Muslim laws. Because, as you know, the 1% of the state that practices Islam was threatening to take over. Anyway, like all laws written by and for idiots, it has its flaws. In this case it outlaws any laws based on any religion. Which is cool by me. Some smart people have already figured out that, as written, the law would lift the ban on gay marriages, rescind all blue laws and, well, as I wrote before, would allow Kansas to make San Francisco look like Utah. You’ll be shocked to learn they’re still working out the kinks in that one.

In keeping with the theme of a free America for free Americans, as long as said free Americans are evangelical Christians, the state of Florida passed a law that would allow prayer in school. Of course, since this is Florida, the state with a long history of screwing up simple tasks when it comes to passing laws, they have now made it legal to preach Satanism in school.

A group of self-proclaimed Satanists on Friday praised Florida Gov. Rick Scott for signing a bill into law last year that lets Florida school boards permit student-initiated prayer and other “inspirational messages.”

During their rally, a white sign with black lettering was stretched across the steps of Florida’s Old Capitol proclaiming “Hail Satan! Hail Rick Scott!”

A high priest wearing goat horns and four “minions” dressed in black, hooded robes were joined by a spokesman, sound technician and camera crew.

The devil, though, was in the details.

The spokesman, Lucien Greaves of Cambridge, Mass., earlier this month had been listed on the Actors Access website as the casting director in an ad seeking unpaid, nonunion actors in Tallahassee. They were wanted to perform in a “mockumentary” titled “The Satanic Temple.”

Greaves insisted it wasn’t all a hoax, although a smile creased his face as he said it.

“Mockumentary” wasn’t his terminology, Greaves said. He said the video crew was shooting public service announcements and a history of Satanism for internal use.

“We’re doing it in a humorous, kind of lighthearted fashion,” Greaves said. “We wanted to do old-style, like `80s Mormon kind of PSA-type things and keep it funny.”

He added that “we don’t want to be Gothic, doom and gloom all the time.”

When asked for a response, Scott spokeswoman Jackie Schutz said, “This is a great country. Everyone has a voice.”

The high priest, who identified himself only as “Dark Eminence,” and one of the minions, a teenager who said her name is Cassandra Wagner, addressed the media and a few onlookers.

The girl said the school prayer law would give her an opportunity to explain to her classmates that Satanism is misunderstood.

The group handed out religious tracts on delinquency and Halloween that describe Satan as having the “compassion and wisdom of an angel” while being subordinate to God and God’s proxy “in the sphere of the physical.” The pamphlets feature comic-book like stories, mimicking tracts often handed out by conservative Christians.

The girl, though, is unlikely to get a chance to present any inspirational messages in school. That’s because none of Florida’s 67 school districts has yet adopted rules permitting them. Groups that advocate the separation of church and state have made it clear they will sue any district that allows such messages.

While the Dark Eminence was speaking, a man in shorts and sunglasses shouted: “You believe you’re going to Hell?”

“I believe it and I’m very excited about it,” the high priest said.

“You’re excited to go to Hell?” the heckler responded. “Awesome.”

Also, this week, New Mexico proffered a law that would make any rape victim who had an abortion guilty of evidence tampering. According to the author of the bill that isn’t what she meant. According to the bill, however, that is exactly what it says. They are considering rewriting it.

Gosh, that would be a good idea, don’t you think?

Next door in Arizona the legislature was accused to creating a law that would prevent atheists from graduating high school. Rebecca Watson does a great job of proving that wrong so I’ll ask that you click THIS LINK and read what she has to say. Long story short, it’s another stupid law written by stupid people.

But it won’t keep your kid from getting out of high school.

So, you may well ask, is there hope for humanity? Oddly enough, yes. Allow me to share with you the story of Emma and Dylan Smith. 2 fast food addicts who ate themselves out of an amusement park.

A COUPLE piled on weight after they got hooked on McDonald’s, going for ­binges twice a day plus a fast-food takeaway.

Emma and Dylan Smith ate a huge breakfast of ­McMuffins after driving their ­children to school. They were back for chicken wraps at lunchtime then had takeaway burgers every night, usually from KFC.

The combined weight of the couple, who have four children, soared to nearly 40 stone.

They only gave up their gorging when they were turned away from every ride at Butlins in front of their ­crying family, because both were too fat to do up the safety belts.

Now the blubber has melted away, and they have lost 17 stone between them. Emma, 28, has gone from 22st to 11st. Dylan, 41, who weighed 17st, is 10st 10lbs.

Emma said: “We would drop the children off at school and go to McDonald’s on our way home. We could easily munch our way through three McMuffins every morning.”

At lunchtime they would go back and have two chicken wraps each. For dinner they would have burgers from Burger King or KFC.

Emma said: “We lived on take-away food. We’d snack on McFlurrys and hot chocolates too. It was embarrassing. Staff at McDonald’s knew us so well they knew our order without us having to ask for it.”

Even though Emma has Josh, seven, twins Alex and Hayden, five, and nine-year-old Ellie to look after, she admits. “I never used to cook at home. We weren’t getting fruit or vitamins and became anaemic.”

The crunch came in June 2011 when they went to Butlins to celebrate their sons’ fourth birthday and found they were too fat for the rides.

Emma said: “It upset the children so much.

“We’d travelled all that way and they were so excited about going. But when we got on a ride the belt wouldn’t click over my stomach.

“The assistant saw me struggling and came over and told me that if I couldn’t get it done up then I would have to get off the ride.

“Dylan couldn’t do his up either. We had to get off the ride with the children and they were crying. It was so embarrassing.”

There were plenty of problems when they went out with the kids at home in Frome, Somerset, too.

Emma said: “When we took the children to the park they would beg us to run around with them but we just couldn’t. I’d have to stay sitting on the bench and Dylan’s stomach was nearly as big as mine, so he couldn’t either. He couldn’t play football with the boys.

“If we took them swimming I would wear a T-shirt and shorts to hide my flab.”

The shame Emma and Dylan felt over the Butlins ban prompted them to start dieting, but only joining Slimming World brought them the results they wanted. And they cut out the trips to burger joints.

Emma said: “We tried to lose the weight on our own but we just couldn’t, so we decided that we would join Slimming World.”

The pair, whose typical day’s diet is now Weetabix for breakfast, smoked cod and veg for lunch and homemade bolognese for tea, ­celebrated by returning to Butlins.

Emma said: “We got on the ride and I went to fasten up the safety harness – this time it was no ­problem. The children were thrilled.”

Just FYI, for those who may have missed that day in math class, 10 stones is 140 lbs. That means, between them, they have lost the equivalent of a line backer in the NFL.

But if there is hope, then I must also find joy and fun. And, because I’m me, I did find them …. at a funeral.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the death of David S. Kime and one more thing to add to my “after I kick the bucket” list.

On the way to his final resting place Saturday, David S. Kime Jr.’s loved ones took a spin through the Burger King drive-through on the corner of Route 30 and Pennsylvania Avenue for one last WHOPPER JR.

The 88-year-old West York man died Jan. 20 at York Hospital.

“He always lived by his own rules,” said Linda Phiel, one of Kime’s three daughters. “His version of eating healthy was the lettuce on the WHOPPER JR.”

As a tribute to a man who loved fast food, Phiel’s family stopped for some burgers on the way to the cemetery. Mourners followed the hearse carrying Kime’s flag-draped casket through the drive-thru. Each got a WHOPPER JR.

The sandwich was among Kime’s favorites.

“He liked his WHOPPER JRs.,” said Margaret Hess, head manager of the Manchester Township Burger King. She and her staff prepared 40 of the sandwiches for the funeral procession.

“They also wanted one for the deceased,” Hess said.

Phiel said the display wasn’t a joke, rather a happy way of honoring her father and the things that brought him joy.

“All of us are going to be in this position,” she said. “And I think there’s a certain group who think we should be crying. But on the other hand, he lived a wonderful life and on his own terms.”

Phiel said her father did what he wanted and ate what he wanted since her mother, Grace, died about 25 years ago.

“My mother kind of kept him in check,” Phiel said. “When she died, for a while, he would eat with us. But he considered us health freaks because we ate things that were green, like broccoli.”

Kime was borderline diabetic for years and had a pacemaker. Phiel told him a healthy diet would help him live longer.

“He would say, ‘I won’t live longer, it will just seem like it because I’ll be more miserable faster,'” Phiel said.

Her father wasn’t a big man, only about 5 feet tall, but he could eat.

“He was not prejudiced,” Phiel said. “He would go to any fast food place anyone invited him to.”

He liked tacos, pizza, hamburgers, subs and hot dogs.

“He would take his Cadillac, which he loved, and drive up to Hanover and have a gut-buster,” Phiel said, referring to hot dogs. “If it wasn’t the kind of day to drive out to Hanover, he would drive out to Wiener World on Memory Lane.”

After a while, Phiel gave up lecturing her father.

“When you’re 88 years old, I guess you’ve earned the right to do what you want to do,” she said.

Though the tribute to her father was light-hearted, it was hard to say goodbye.

When Phiel placed the WHOPPER JR. atop the spray of lilies and roses on her father’s casket, she started to cry.

But knowing her father lived a full life gives her solace.

“I think his biggest fear was that he not be able to live as he chose,” she said. “I’m so grateful he never had to.”

A Burger King first
After working for Burger King for 34 years, Margaret Hess saw something new Saturday: a funeral procession at her drive-through.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Hess, the head manager of the Manchester Township Burger King.

Heffner Funeral Chapel & Crematory made arrangements in advance to bring the procession through.

The idea was to honor David S. Kime Jr., a World War II veteran who was awarded a Purple Heart. The 88-year-old West York man loved to eat fast food, and dined at various places every week. He died Jan. 20 at York Hospital from heart complications.

Hess said she didn’t know Kime by name, but she knew his face and remembered he ordered WHOPPER JRs.

“It’s nice to know he was a loyal customer up until the end — the very end,” Hess said.

There is a pic of them placing the burger on the casket. Everyone looks so solemn that you can’t help but laugh. Which, I believe, would be a response that Mr. Kime would have heartily approved.

So, the good news is we can make ourselves better and we can have fun, just not in Arizona, New Mexico or Florida.

Fast Food Freestyle: The Original from Joe Woody on Vimeo.

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