Death and Sex Toys

Nothing but American family values today.

I woke up this morning, always a good sign for any day, and was greeted by my friendly web-bot with the latest news I could use. And I learned something right away. There are over 30 commercially available products and services marketed with the name “Super Sucker.” There is also a movie by that name. That fact will become relevant later. Well, not the movie, but the name. You see, after a week of serious discussions about serious topics ranging from gun control to cheese, I thought you might need a break. God knows I do. The dour mood of our nation needs, in the famous words of Jack Nicholson, a wedgie. Oddly enough, it was just that act that got a teenager in Florida tossed into jail. I’m not sure what the mind set is to make someone wander down to the local mall and give strangers wedgies, but I do know that kind of stuff gets your happy butt tossed in jail. Even in Florida. No, I only advocate imaginary wedgies. Would that be wedgie porn? I’ll leave that to the philosophers among you.

Anyway, on to happy stuff. We have tired of stories about dog bites man or man bites dog. Thankfully, Florida exists and has given us a whole new take on things.

Dog runs over man with a Chevy van.

A Florida man has died after a dog jumped into a van and pushed the accelerator, causing the vehicle to strike the man as he opened a gate outside of his home, authorities said.

The Florida Highway Patrol reported that 68-year-old James Campbell was pronounced dead at the scene by medical personnel.

The strange incident began as Campbell and Iris Fortner, 68, returned to their home in Cantonment, Fla., on the Florida Panhandle on Monday.

According to an FHP report, while Fortner, who was driving, backed a 1995 Chevy van into their property, Campbell got out of the passenger’s side of the vehicle to open a metal gate outside their home.

As Fortner opened the driver’s side door to see where Campbell was standing, her large boxer came running toward the van and jumped in, pressing the accelerator, the report said.

Before Fortner could stop the vehicle, it struck and ran over Campbell, trapping him under it, according to the report. He was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.

Campbell’s death is under investigation. Fortner has not been charged.

So there you are, standing in front of the Pearly Gates. How the heck do you explain this to St. Peter?

“Umm, well, umm, you see …. oh screw it, just send me to Hell.”

Okay, moving on. I promised you something would involve super suckers. Just for your further edification, companies ranging from sewage removal to squid farms use that name. But, for our purposes here today we are going to concentrate on a sex toy. Allow me to share the sad tale of Alex Perez.

On January 4th, Alexander Marcelino Perez, 19, was busted on a domestic injunction violation, according to Manatee County court records.

Then, last Sunday, Perez got pinched again.

He visited a Spencer’s, a shop known for selling some edgy and novelty items, and asked for a job application, according to an arrest affidavit from the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office.

But instead of filling out an application, the Bradenton teen went to the rear of the store where he was observed by a security officer swiping a ‘Super Sucker’ adult pleasure gadget from the shelf. After removing the packaging, he reportedly stuck the $16.99 sex toy inside his pocket, the arrest report stated.

Perez was nabbed after he left the store without paying the cashier, deputies said.

You’re in the joint. In holding. You’re waiting to see a judge. Someone, who probably just killed and ate his parents, sits down next to, and looks at, you and asks “Whach you in for?” I point this out just in case you thought poor Alex’ day couldn’t get any worse.

Now this next bit could only happen in Florida. A family’s pet grizzly bear escaped.

Deputies are searching for a grizzly bear cub that ran away from a private residence in Golden Gate Estates on Tuesday morning.

The Collier County Sheriff’s Office is assisting the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission in the search.

The 100-pound cub ran away from a residence in the 4000 block of DeSoto Boulevard around 11 a.m.

Deputies are cautioning residents in the area to be on alert for the cub and not approach it.

Residents are advised to secure trash cans in their garage or enclosed area

Anyone who sees the cub is asked to contact the Collier County Sheriff’s Office at 252-9300, or call the FWCC Wildlife Alert hotline at 888-404-FWCC (3922).

You see, people who live in the north, near wild grizzlies, would sooner dive into lava than take home a grizzly. They do not make good pets. They will, at some point, eat the slowest family member. As the film Grizzly Man clearly demonstrated.

Then again, like the python hunt, that may be good news for the gene pool.

One thing Florida police do get right, and I have lauded them before, is get perverts off the streets.

Recently Polk County Sheriff’s Police ran a four day sting to get prostitutes off their streets. How many people did they nab over four days?

10?

20?

Oh hell no, they actually may have caused a recession by making such a dent in the local economy.

They arrested 78.

Polk County Sheriff’s Office detectives, working in an undercover capacity, conducted a four-day investigation, beginning Thursday, January 10, 2013, through Sunday, January 13, 2013, targeting online e-commerce sites related to men and women who were advertising to commit prostitution and solicit for prostitution.

At the conclusion of the investigation, 78 suspects were arrested.  Their charges ranged from Solicitation of Prostitution in which the suspects either posted online ads, or answered online ads; to Possession of Illegal Drugs, Aiding and Abetting, Escape, Traffic Offenses, Battery on a Law Enforcement Officer, Violation of Probation, and Failure to Register as a Sexual Offender.

“Our message is clear – Prostitution is illegal and those who commit or who derive proceeds from this crime in Polk County can expect to go to jail. 

The negative social costs of prostitution hurt families, children and communities.  During this investigation we discovered three young children who were left in the care of men they likely didn’t know while their mother traveled to the undercover location to derive proceeds from prostitution.  Subsequently, these young children were ‘dropped off’ with a neighbor.  Their mother had no idea where they were when we found them.  The potential dangers these children faced is unthinkable.

Many of those we arrested have past offenses, a number of which included felony arrest histories with one suspect having 38 total arrests in the central Florida area.

One suspect was a wanted Sexual Predator with a warrant for Failure to Register, another wanted for Grand Theft.  And many were charged with drug possession.

Some of those arrested had reputable jobs, such as working in Information Technology with the City of Lakeland; there was a retired American Airline Pilot, and a Microbiologist employed by a food testing lab in Georgia.  Others arrested included a medical technician, laborers, restaurant servers, Dalavone Keobandith who claimed to be an award winning Porn Star, and Claude Riley III, a transsexual suspect who said he works for MAC Cosmetics.  

There were 21 suspects who told detectives they were unemployed and 14 suspects who told deputies they were receiving government assistance.

And there was Jeremiah Hintz who wanted to go into law enforcement.  Hintz was attending South Florida Community College and due to graduate Wednesday, January 16, 2013, from the Basic Law Enforcement Academy.

Anyone who breaks the law in Polk County will be arrested, regardless of what occupation they have or want to have.  Whether it is on the street, or online, it is illegal and we will continue to investigate and arrest those involved in prostitution.  If you conduct activity like this in Polk County, you will be arrested.”  – Sheriff Grady Judd

Of the 78 suspects arrested:

18 admitted they were married –one male and female suspect were married to each other

31 have criminal arrest histories – 9 of whom are registered felons – and one of whom has 86 previous charges in the Tampa Bay area.  Felons from this investigation have a combined total of 339 past charges; of those, 42 prior violent crime charges, including Armed Robbery, Robbery, Aggravated Assault (with and without a deadly weapon), Aggravated Battery, Battery Domestic Violence, Stalking, Rape, Kidnapping, Child Abuse

22 were charged with possession of drugs

26 told detectives they were unemployed

50 admitted to being employed – Job types included: information technology, microbiologist, health technician, city employees, laborers, mechanics, a retired airline pilot, a porn star, food servers, and a Law Enforcement Academy trainee due to graduate Wednesday, January 16, 2013.

14 told detectives they were receiving government aid; one suspect denied receiving aid, however had food stamps in her possession

Yeah, nothing says romance like a hooker with food stamps.

Now the government aid part is a big deal. Unreported income can cause you to lose you assistance. I’m guessing that 14 people are going to be having difficult conversations with a local aid worker. The same applies to city workers since an arrest like this is cause for automatic termination from the public sector.

Obviously the parole violators and other lovely patrons are going to be off the streets for a while.

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