Oooh, yeah baby, wash those dirty hands ….
I sometimes get the feeling that you and I don’t live in the same world. Oh, we see the same TV channels and all that but, somehow, I see things that others miss. And, more importantly, I don’t understand how they get missed. Everyone I know was all “fiscal cliff this” and “fiscal cliff that.” I, on the other hand, was all abuzz about Oompa Loompa rage. How could you not fear for the future of humanity when confronted with this sentence; “A man in Norfolk, England, was reportedly attacked last week by a pair of Oompa Loompas.” How can you just go about your day knowing that a crazed Oompa Loompa could accost you at an time? But when I tried to warn people about the impending Oompa Loompa led apocalypse I got told to go away and take my meds. Well, when you are being dragged to the underground lair of the Oompa Loompas, don’t say I didn’t warn you. The facts don’t lie. Why else would the Church of Scientology have built an alien welcome mat in New Mexico? The only explanation that I can see is that they are expecting their beloved Thetans to arrive and save them from the Oompa Loompas. Which is probably the most rational thing they have ever done.

This just in, a guy in Florida left his baby with a liquor clerk so he could hit a strip club. This is the first time this has happened in 2013. Based on the number of times similar incidents happened last year in the Sunshine State, it won’t be the last.

However, our taker of the proverbial cake today has set a level of oddness that may be hard to match. Debbie Zamacona was robbed by a ghost.

And she’s not even in Florida.

What’s more unlikely? Telling police that a ghost stole your resume — or valuing that resume at $5,000?

Debbie Michelle Zamacona, a 40-year-old woman from Winder, Ga., recently made the shocking allegation that an apparition swiped her curriculum vitae — which she valued at a whopping $5,000.

During the Dec. 22, a thieving spook also stole a paper documenting her criminal history (including her terminated parole) and a black and blue blouse, according to a police report filed by the Barrow County Sheriff’s Department.

When deputies asked her if she had any idea who might have taken the missing items, she explained she suspected the thief was one of two ghosts, the Augusta Chronicle reported.

The responding officer noted in the police report that there was no method of entry to the house, but he had a little problem getting the estimated value of the items from Zamacona.

“Mrs. Zamacona stated she was unsure how much the resume was worth because she was not good at math,” the report stated. “I told Mrs. Zamacona that I needed a value for the report and that it just needed to be an approximation. Mrs. Zamacona stated that she did not understand what I was asking.

“At that point, I noticed a flat screen television mounted on the wall of her bedroom. I explained to Mrs. Zamacona that the value of the resume was like me asking her how much she would sell her television for. Mrs. Zamacona stated that she did not know how much she would sell the television for because she does not like television.”

What kind of ghost would do such a thing? Well, Zamacona told the officer that she didn’t want the officer to think she was crazy, but explained that the ghost of her dead mother often visits her.

Zamacona told the officer she didn’t think her mom’s ghost stole her resume, and instead placed the blame on “black spirits” that follow her from time-to-time. The officer didn’t get her to pinpoint whether those “black spirits” were dark, malevolent entities or African-American ghosts.

Dear God, where do I begin?

First off, that has to be one hell of a resume. I’m thinking printed on gold leaf or something.

Now, imagine you’re the cop on this call. How do you not just laugh in this woman’s face? I mean, come on, this woman needs instructions on how to breathe. And, here’s the kicker, she’s married. That’s right kids, she has a hunk of man meat who thinks she’s the schnizzle.

What a catch he must be.

As to the rest, she may not wish the officer to think she’s crazy but I’m thinking that train left the station long ago.

Then again, she didn’t see any Oompa Loompas, so maybe she’s saner than I think.

D.M.F. – My Life on the Crazy Train Sucks (So What?) from CjR mix

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