Archives for January 2013

First off, I have good news for the male readers of this blog. A new study has just been released that shows, definitively, that men who don’t do housework get more sex than those who do. So when you hear a neighbor brag that her hubby helps clean the kitchen or whatever, remind yourself that he may as well be sleeping on the couch for all the good it does him. Nope, the message is clear, go do your manly stuff and then park your butt on the couch and wait your turn. Heck, if you get it right she should even bring you a sammich and a cold beer. Basically it all comes down to role playing, just not like the kind they do in Fifty Shades of Gray. Although if she’s willing to toss in a little of that too don’t turn it down.

See, we’ve barely started and already you’ve learned something.

In that vein Florida’s Gov. Rick Scott, realizing that the state is rapidly becoming an intellectual cesspool is asking the legislature to spend an additional $1.2 Billion on education. Included in his request is a $2,500 per year raise for every teacher. Before you get all impressed, that would still leave teachers in bottom fifth of pay nationally and the school system barely on par for a per student spending average. In other words, they have to raise the bar just to get to the bottom. Oh well, it’s a start.

Yesterday I wrote about the ten year old girl, her ounce of cocaine and how she won a science fair. Some of you were upset that I wasn’t upset. The fact is I feel for the kid. She has to make do with what she’s got and in Florida, as evidenced by the above paragraph, she ain’t got much.

Among the many issues the Florida education system has is that it is nigh on impossible to fire a teacher. So you have the lowest paid, least qualified, people being given absolute authority over your child’s future and there is nothing you can do about it. This problem came to the fore again in the strange case of Paula Prudente.

Long-time teacher Paula Prudente appears to have lost her four year battle to keep her job with the Palm Beach school district.

A state court last month recommended she be fired for misusing district technology to harass and threaten fellow employees. The emails, described as “rambling, sometimes-incoherent,” complained of mistreatment and told employees how to perform their jobs.

On Wednesday, school board members said they’d move to fire Prudente, 57, at the next board meeting.

But Prudente denied the accusations, calling them retaliations for reporting unethical hiring practices and health violations at schools. “My emails were complaints and grievances,” she said, adding that she’s filed multiple lawsuits and grievances against the district.

Prudente, last assigned to Spanish River High School, has been employed with the district since 1978. Her problems began in 2008, when she was accused of sending negative emails to her co-workers about a presidential candidate. In 2009-10, she was again accused of sending co-workers inappropriate and harassing emails.

Both cases were settled out of court, with a 10-day suspension.

But in 2011, the district alleged Prudente had returned to her email attacks. They said she sent numerous hostile and confusing emails to staff and left one employee a three-minute threatening voicemail.

“You are going to have to cease and desist your cafeteria style of … law and agreements cause … you are very wrongful in your misrepresentations … you are very deceitful …” Prudente said.

Other confusing emails were sent to school board members, the area superintendent and district employees who handled her benefits, despite warnings that school email accounts could not be used to bully co-workers.

Administrative law judge Robert Meale wrote that in emails addressed to one of her principals at the time, Prudente “launched into a bewildering set of vitriolic directives, awkward references to herself in the third person, and head-turning claims…”

One thing I learned as I wandered through the limited public documents on this mess is that Ms. Prudente is not a fan of President Obama. I also learned that everyone, but her, is an idiot. It is never made clear what awards she has won, just that has won three of them.

In semi-related news, another teacher, Dean Liptak, is in trouble because his physics test borders on the hyper-violent and seems to advocate killing babies.

I should note that he is also a well respected teacher in Florida. In case you’re wondering how far things have to go down there.

The fate of Florida science teacher Dean Liptak is unclear as parents express concern over violent test questions that involve propelling students and driving over babies.

According to WTSP, the Fivay High School teacher in Hudson, Fla., assigned test questions like:

“A 50 kg student has a momentum of 500 kg m/s as the teacher launches him toward the wall, what is the velocity of the student heading toward the wall?”

“A northbound car with a velocity of 100 m/s ran over a baby with a momentum of 800 kg m/s, what is the mass of the car?”

Parents tell WTSP that the test questions are “violent” and “inappropriate.” School officials have not disclosed the teacher’s status at the school.

Liptak has been teaching in Pasco County Schools for several years and recently moved to Fivay from Ridgewood High School. His students at Ridgewood had positive reviews of his teaching on RateMyTeachers.com. One student calls him the “best teacher in the world.”

A similar incident in Washington, D.C. last march led to a teacher’s termination. Parents were outraged after the educator sent third graders home with morbid math problems that referenced cannibals, baking people in ovens and a child whose brain had become infested with fire ants.

And just two months prior, Norcross, Ga. elementary school parents were upset when math problems that used examples of slave beatings were used in class. The teacher who assigned the problems eventually resigned.

The science test in Florida comes at a volatile time for the school, as the Fivay community continues to remember their late classmate Jessica Laney, who committed suicide last month.

Ah yes, higher math only works if you kill and eat someone. I must have been out the day that lesson was delivered.

But the worst case scenario came to light this week when James Tracy, a professor at Florida Atlantic University, began teaching his students that the Sandy Hook massacre was all staged and no one really died. CNN’s Anderson Cooper took him, and Florida’s education system, to task.

Florida once had a howling wolfpack of higher education reporters competing for scoops about small-time shenanigans. These days, the education beat is pretty much on life support. And in the absence of swift and sure journalism justice, the shenanigans are morphing into national scandals.

Last week, CNN’s Anderson Cooper was keepin’ ’em honest at Florida Atlantic University (FAU). Steam poured out of the silver haired anchor’s nostrils as he channeled the righteous indignation of millions regarding FAU’s James Tracy, a tenured professor of media history who thinks that maybe the Sandy Hook massacre was staged by “crisis actors” and maybe all those first graders aren’t really dead.

“I describe myself as a scholar and public intellectual,” Tracy told Sun-Sentinel reporter Mike Clary as the story was beginning to gather steam. Campus colleagues with higher standards of scholarship and lower quotients of narcissism describe him as Dick Tracy, the comic book detective who solves fictional crimes.

FAU President Mary Jane Saunders took to the CNN airwaves to assure Cooper’s global audience that Tracy “does not speak for the university.”

Maybe not, President Saunders, but his heartless, tone-deaf, self-aggrandizing pouring of salt into the gaping wounds of a Connecticut community still deeply in mourning has dealt yet another blow to the credibility of higher education in Florida.

The embarrassments have been piling up. Two top administrators at Edison State College allowed students to kiss off core classes required for legitimate degrees in three separate majors. Florida A & M is in danger of losing its accreditation. Politician and professor Mike Haridopolos’ $152,000 payday for a “book” resulted in a document as intellectually challenging as My Weekly Reader.

Add to those Florida State University’s selling its soul to the Charles G. Koch Charitable Foundation for $1.5 million to finance a “faculty” position. Of course, the right-wing foundation would name the teacher. And the Koch pledge is so paltry it would barely cover the cost of golden parachutes for any failed or disgraced FSU administrators.

James “Dick” Tracy is not the only accident looking for a place to happen in Florida higher education, and he did not grant himself tenure, either. Florida’s students and taxpayers deserve better than what they’re getting from a system increasingly run by people with Ph.D.s from the University of Educated Fools.

And there, kids, is the problem in a nutshell. Florida allows private financing for schools with no strings attached. If you’ve got enough money, as the Koch brothers do, you too can teach kids that Jesus rode a dinosaur while partying with Thomas Jefferson. And no one can stop you.

However, just as the University of Texas will no longer accept graduates of the Texas High School system unless they pass an entrance exam, so too is the rest of the world putting limits on how much they will tolerate lunacy and ignorance being passed off as knowledge.

Let’s face it, facts are facts and logic is logic. They are the bricks and mortar that all children need to build a future. If you want to wear a tinfoil hat and wait for Armageddon, be my guest. Just don’t take our kids with you.

MATER SUSPIRIA VISION – Seduction of the Armageddon Witches {2011} from Diego Barrera on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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Every week I get something from someone proving that ancient aliens existed. And every week I end up wasting some time pointing out the obvious flaws in their, for lack of a better term, evidence. It gets draining. “The buildings at Puma Punku could only have been built with laser guided tools!!!!!” Why? They’re made from red sandstone. You could work that with a chisel. And they did. “Tolima had fighter jets and made icons to them!!!!” The argument here is that the items do not look like any bird or insect but have wings. This is how stupid people think. One quick look at other Tolima art would show a lovely catfish with fins on its bottom instead of side. You know, just like the ones they ate and thanked the gods for but never used for fighter jets? Anyway, it is with great pleasure that I announce I will no longer have to deal with these people. A guy named Chris White, a former ancient aliens supporter, has put together a stunning documentary that anyone can view for free. Just CLICK HERE and enjoy. It debunks every popular ancient aliens myth there is. So I will be sending every inquiry on this subject this link and be done with them. But for anyone who needs further nudging, remember this credo: if they won’t allow the scientific community at large to view the evidence, then it isn’t evidence.

So let’s move on to a topic more rooted in reality; people who kill for fast food.

Oh, these are all in Florida, but I bet you knew that.

Corn Dog Dispute Leads to Fatal Stabbing!

Police say a man killed his roommate Tuesday morning during an argument over a missing corn dog.

Anthony Kimball Smith, 56, died after he was stabbed once in the chest by a man 20 years his junior, police said.

That man, Corey Lamont Walker, 36, was arrested on a second-degree murder charge.

“It’s hard to imagine someone taking a life over something so trivial,” police spokesman Mike Puetz said.

Both men lived at 2860 First Ave. S, a transitional living residence run by New Faith Free Methodist Church. The pastor there could not be reached for comment Tuesday.

Authorities said someone called 911 around 9:45 a.m. Tuesday to report a stabbing at the home, where detectives said about four or five people lived. The caller said the attacker was still in the home and still armed with a knife.

A neighbor described seeing a woman run into the street yelling for help.

“I heard screaming and jumped up,” said Wayne Lindsay, 29, who lives next door. “The lady was standing in the middle of the street. She had stopped traffic.”

Lindsay called 911. Emergency vehicles and police cruisers swarmed the area.

He and other neighbors watched as paramedics brought an injured man out on a stretcher.

“He looked pretty bad,” said neighbor Michael Booth, 56. “He had a lot of blood all over him.”

Officers said they arrested Walker without incident. Two other residents were taken to the police station to be interviewed.

Detectives said Walker told other residents food had been stolen from his room.

“It appears that somebody pilfered a corn dog from him,” Puetz said. “He was the only one there with corn dogs.”

At first, police said, Walker pointed the finger at a female friend of Smith’s who was at the home. Then he turned on his roommate, grabbing a butcher knife from the kitchen at some point.

“They went back and forth, and that’s when the guy got stabbed,” Puetz said.

Officers found a knife in the sink.

Authorities said the home caters to people from different backgrounds, some homeless, others with addiction or mental problems, police said.

It was unclear what landed Smith and Walker at the home or how long they’d been living there.

Residents said Smith had fallen on hard times but had turned his life around. He worked at a local nursing home; public records showed he was a certified nursing assistant.

Walker served nearly two years in prison from 2006 to 2008 for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, records show. According to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, his criminal history also includes arrests on charges of drug possession, battery and obstruction.

Smith’s only brush with the law was in the 1970s for a robbery, records show.

Smith’s family arrived a few hours after the stabbing. As police told them what had happened, they sank to their knees and cried.

Yes, a corn dog. The same delicacy that that kid waves around in the cable TV commercials while he bitches about his bad back. The gourmet item that sells for less than a buck a pop. Hell, you can get a case of 72 of them for around $40 is that’s your idea of money well spent. I just think that I need a better reason than a corn dog to face life in prison.

But that could just be me.

Of course, at least theft was involved in the case above. Read on to weep for humanity some more.

Man Killed Over Pork Chop Storage Dispute!

A Volusia County man is facing a second-degree murder charge after gunning down his drunken roommate during an argument about how to prepare pork chops, police said.

Holly Hill police say 55-year-old Thomas Hahn shot and killed one of his three roommates just before 10:30 p.m. Tuesday.

When police arrived at their home on May Avenue, they found 35-year-old Robert Eugene Gray, Jr. lying dead on the floor. Hahn was seated nearby.

Gray came home drunk at about 10 p.m., police said.

He and Hahn began arguing about the meal and police say Hahn grabbed his .22-caliber Ruger rifle and fired at least three shots.

Two shots struck Gray, killing him immediately. Hahn initially told investigators that he shot in self defense but witnesses say he was not provoked.

“This appears to be a senseless act of violence stemming from a minor domestic dispute between roommates,” said Chief Mark Barker. “There is no clear answer at this hour as to why Hahn acted with such extreme violence.”

The attack is still under investigation and additional charges are pending.

You separate them with either wax paper or aluminum foil and then freeze them. There you go, murder avoided.

The World News Center lives to help.

But nothing holds a candle to our last story.

Wife Killed for Not Making a Burger!

An elderly Kendall man grew enraged after his wife refused to cook him a hamburger, stabbing her to death and covering up the crime by staging a burglary to their home, police say.

Bartolo Gelsomino, 78, now faces second-degree murder charges in the death of his wife, Ana Gelsomino, 71.

Their adult daughter discovered Ana’s bloodied body at the Gelsominos’ Kendall home on 10700 block of Southwest 146th Court the night of Jan. 21. She was last seen that morning “in good health and uninjured,” according to a search warrant served at the home.

But Miami-Dade homicide detectives grew suspicious when Gelsomino’s adult son told them his father “had a history of domestic violence” toward him and his mother, the warrant said.

As police combed the house, Gelsomino — a Sicily-born retiree who speaks primarily Italian — showed up to the scene and investigators noticed “two different possible blood stains” on his shirt.

Miami-Dade detectives scrambled to find a translator, finally securing an Italian-speaking Aventura police sergeant to help. According to an arrest report, Gelsomino eventually confessed to stabbing his wife with a knife from their kitchen after the argument escalated.

Gelsomino later led detectives to a trash bin in a nearby warehouse area where he had ditched the knife and other items from the crime scene, the arrest report said.

Prosecutors will arraign Gelsomino Feb. 11 in front of Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Migna Sanchez-Llorens. He is being held at the Miami-Dade County Jail.

My first question would be “How good are those burgers that you would be willing to kill for one?”

Just FYI, I did a little digging and found that they celebrated 52 years of wedded bliss prior to this. Adding the phrase “wedded bliss” to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.

“But Uncle Bill,” you whine, “isn’t there any hope in Florida?”

And, to be fair and balanced, I must answer yes. And I found it in the heartwarming tale of 10 year old Emma Bartlett and her 28 grams of high grade cocaine.

An ounce of cocaine doesn’t usually come with a blue ribbon, even in Miami.

That didn’t stop Emma Bartelt, 10, from winning first prize in the science competition at Coral Gables Preparatory Academy with the help of three drug-sniffing hounds and 28 grams of the illicit white powder, all provided by the Miami-Dade Police Narcotics Bureau, according to the Miami Herald.

She also earned an honorable mention at the Miami-Dade County Public Schools Elementary Science Fair on Saturday, according to the paper.

The Herald reported that the scientific-minded fourth-grader received help on her “Drug Sniffing Dogs” project from her dad, Detective Douglas Bartelt. The three contraband-seeking chows included a springer spaniel named Roger; a chocolate lab, Franky; and a spaniel, Levi, according to the Herald.

A spokesman for the school district told the Herald that science fair rules do not explicitly prohibit use of cocaine in projects. Bartelt’s dad handled all the cocaine for the project, according to the Herald, which involved timing how long it took the dogs to find the cocaine in a room.

“It was kind of my idea, because I wanted to do my dad’s job,” Bartelt said of her award-winning experiment, which took place at police facilities.

In a statement, a school district spokesman told the Herald there was nothing wrong with Bartelt’s experiment – even if the only white powder at science fairs is usually baking soda for papier-mache volcanoes.

“The student’s science project involved a very unusual set of circumstances, including having a parent who is a well-respected police detective with experience in training dogs that sniff for illegal substances,” the statement read, according to the Herald. “From our understanding, the parent was the only person involved in working directly with the dogs and the hidden substances, which took place at a police training facility.”

Okay, I’ll admit this is an odd situation. But I like this story because common sense prevailed. The experiment was tightly controlled and the kid did the work. Sure she had he dad’s help, but she was the one leading the dogs, setting up the blinds and so on.

Science fairs are supposed to encourage kids to think outside the box. And, who knows, maybe little Emma comes up with a way to reliably detect illegal drugs that will revolutionize law enforcement. I can certainly hope so. Especially since most drug sniffing dogs aren’t very accurate to begin with.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s were exciting times for smart kids. They were faced with endless possibilities. Man hadn’t just found the atom, he’d harnessed it. Man didn’t just sail the oceans, he”d driven nuclear subs to depths never before imagined. Man didn’t just go to the moon, he walked on it. Man could do anything his imagination could conceive. Pop culture reflected that. From the liberal fantasies of Star Trek to the conservative preachings of Heinlein, there was no way for mankind not to bend society, and the world it was on, to its will. But none of those dreams seemed to capture the psyche of the time like the Jetsons. Every week George packed his family of cliches into their flying car and had a new adventure and everyone, and I do mean everyone – from the poorest of the poor to the richest of the rich, wanted that damn car.

It isn’t like we got gypped in the deal. From those dreamers came (in no particular order) the Internet, cellular phones, fuel efficient engines, solar power, satellite technologies, the artificial heart, every film special effect you’ve ever seen, the space shuttle, surround sound, low fat anything, You Tube, and on and on the list goes.

In fact there have been so many innovations that we are still trying to sort what we can do, Hello Monsanto, from what we should, Goodbye Monsanto.

Despite all that, ask anyone of a certain age what they miss and they will, invariably, bring up that damn flying car. Well, Paul Moller felt your pain and spent most of his life trying to make a flying car that works.

Now he has three and they are going to be mass produced.

Moller International Inc., the Davis-based maker of flying cars, may see commercial production finally take off in China.

Moller (OTC-QB: MLER) says it has a signed memorandum of understanding with Athena Technologies Inc. of Harbor City in Southern California, agreeing to create a U.S.-based joint venture to set up co-production for its aircraft in the U.S. and in China.

Under the provisions of the memorandum, Moller will jointly produce numerous models of its vertical takeoff and landing aircraft. The joint venture will initially invest $80 million of a planned $480 million with the objective of producing a variety of VTOL aircraft by 2014, Moller says.

Production will include the Skycar 200 LS, Skycar 400, Skycar 600 and Neuera aircraft.

Moller is to retain its intellectual property while providing the joint venture with aircraft designs, ready-to-install Rotapower rotary aviation engines, and the requirements for the airframe and flight control system hardware to be produced in China.

The joint venture is to provide all necessary production funding, purchase a 35 percent ownership in Moller and provide Moller with 25 percent fixed ownership in the joint for a period of 10 years.

“The formal agreement is expected to be approved by both parties within weeks and lead MI and its JV partner to becoming world leaders in personal airborne transportation,” says Paul Moller.

Bruce Calkins, Moller’s general manager says the partnership leverages Moller’s knowledge of VTOL aircraft design with the cost-effective assembly and manufacturing capabilities that can be carried out overseas.

“Our objective is to become the market leader in this form of personal aviation, and with this agreement we are in a great position to achieve that goal,” he says.

“We are very affirmative and optimistic about this JV opportunity. Moller’s VTOL technology certainly is the very best in the world and we are looking forward to building a first class VTOL airplane factory in China,” says John Gong, chairman of Athena Technologies.

Meet the Neuera aircraft. That saucer shaped beauty to the right. They can fly over any terrain, can carry a wide variety of pay loads and have captured the interest of law enforcement officials the world over. Border guards, jungle police and many others see this as a viable alternative to, if not a flat out upgrade over, off road vehicles. Additionally, it can easily be weaponized which means the officer could stay in the vehicle when confronting a threat. But if you’re not in the mood to arrest people, it makes an awesome dune style buggy as well.

Meet the Sky Car line. It can drive down your street at 30 mph or it can fly. Right now it has a flight limit of a couple hundred feet, but I imagine that will increase over time. Police departments and military purchasers already have orders in for these babies. The m400 will carry 4 passengers and the m200 will carry two. That is the only difference between them. I can see the m200 in my garage without using too much imagination. Well, first, I have to imagine that I have a garage and work from there.

And, since I know you, here’s a link so you can buy direct from Moller. And what about Moller himself? What kind of dude is he? A pretty cool one if you’re an engineering geek.

Paul S. Moller grew up on a rural chicken ranch in Southeastern British Columbia Canada near a town called Trail. At a very early age it became apparent that Paul had a natural ability and desire to engineer and construct things. When he was only 6 years old he began construction of his first house. His second was completed at age 9 and was a two-story – improving upon his first.

By the age of 11, the dream of flight had already taken him far along the path he would follow throughout his life. So, he built a Ferris Wheel which would enable him to simulate flight. Although the amazingly symmetrical, hand-crank ride was marvelously successful with the village children, Paul almost immediately saw the need for something more. What he wanted was not a TOY. He wanted a machine that would allow him to fly like a hummingbird and take him to places he had never been without constraints.

By the time Paul turned 15, he had built a sports car to get him from place to place. Though already successful his dream was unrealized. So undaunted, Paul designed his first helicopter and began its construction that same year. The helicopter, although it could provide him with the ability to imitate the hummingbird flight he sought, was clearly not an ideal flying machine for the general public. He recognized that the helicopter was expensive to operate and maintain. The open blade design is inherently dangerous and the skill required to pilot it provided reason enough to continue along his chosen path toward what is now Skycar.

So, am I pulling your leg or will this thing really fly? Watch the video to find out.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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Why don’t red states have to worry about a zombie apocalypse? Because zombies need brains to survive. Back on May 9th, 2012, North Carolina passed a GREAT law called “Amendment 1.” It effectively makes any relationship, other than heterosexual marriage, and only marriage, illegal. 61% of the mouth breathers that call NC home voted in favor of this law. As of now the law has had no effect on anything. It hasn’t been challenged since it hasn’t been enforced. Also in May of last year, it was a busy month, Kansas passed Senate Bill 79. It was designed to prevent anyone from having to submit to Muslim laws. Because, as you know, the 1% of the state that practices Islam was threatening to take over. Anyway, like all laws written by and for idiots, it has its flaws. In this case it outlaws any laws based on any religion. Which is cool by me. Some smart people have already figured out that, as written, the law would lift the ban on gay marriages, rescind all blue laws and, well, as I wrote before, would allow Kansas to make San Francisco look like Utah. You’ll be shocked to learn they’re still working out the kinks in that one.

In keeping with the theme of a free America for free Americans, as long as said free Americans are evangelical Christians, the state of Florida passed a law that would allow prayer in school. Of course, since this is Florida, the state with a long history of screwing up simple tasks when it comes to passing laws, they have now made it legal to preach Satanism in school.

A group of self-proclaimed Satanists on Friday praised Florida Gov. Rick Scott for signing a bill into law last year that lets Florida school boards permit student-initiated prayer and other “inspirational messages.”

During their rally, a white sign with black lettering was stretched across the steps of Florida’s Old Capitol proclaiming “Hail Satan! Hail Rick Scott!”

A high priest wearing goat horns and four “minions” dressed in black, hooded robes were joined by a spokesman, sound technician and camera crew.

The devil, though, was in the details.

The spokesman, Lucien Greaves of Cambridge, Mass., earlier this month had been listed on the Actors Access website as the casting director in an ad seeking unpaid, nonunion actors in Tallahassee. They were wanted to perform in a “mockumentary” titled “The Satanic Temple.”

Greaves insisted it wasn’t all a hoax, although a smile creased his face as he said it.

“Mockumentary” wasn’t his terminology, Greaves said. He said the video crew was shooting public service announcements and a history of Satanism for internal use.

“We’re doing it in a humorous, kind of lighthearted fashion,” Greaves said. “We wanted to do old-style, like `80s Mormon kind of PSA-type things and keep it funny.”

He added that “we don’t want to be Gothic, doom and gloom all the time.”

When asked for a response, Scott spokeswoman Jackie Schutz said, “This is a great country. Everyone has a voice.”

The high priest, who identified himself only as “Dark Eminence,” and one of the minions, a teenager who said her name is Cassandra Wagner, addressed the media and a few onlookers.

The girl said the school prayer law would give her an opportunity to explain to her classmates that Satanism is misunderstood.

The group handed out religious tracts on delinquency and Halloween that describe Satan as having the “compassion and wisdom of an angel” while being subordinate to God and God’s proxy “in the sphere of the physical.” The pamphlets feature comic-book like stories, mimicking tracts often handed out by conservative Christians.

The girl, though, is unlikely to get a chance to present any inspirational messages in school. That’s because none of Florida’s 67 school districts has yet adopted rules permitting them. Groups that advocate the separation of church and state have made it clear they will sue any district that allows such messages.

While the Dark Eminence was speaking, a man in shorts and sunglasses shouted: “You believe you’re going to Hell?”

“I believe it and I’m very excited about it,” the high priest said.

“You’re excited to go to Hell?” the heckler responded. “Awesome.”

Also, this week, New Mexico proffered a law that would make any rape victim who had an abortion guilty of evidence tampering. According to the author of the bill that isn’t what she meant. According to the bill, however, that is exactly what it says. They are considering rewriting it.

Gosh, that would be a good idea, don’t you think?

Next door in Arizona the legislature was accused to creating a law that would prevent atheists from graduating high school. Rebecca Watson does a great job of proving that wrong so I’ll ask that you click THIS LINK and read what she has to say. Long story short, it’s another stupid law written by stupid people.

But it won’t keep your kid from getting out of high school.

So, you may well ask, is there hope for humanity? Oddly enough, yes. Allow me to share with you the story of Emma and Dylan Smith. 2 fast food addicts who ate themselves out of an amusement park.

A COUPLE piled on weight after they got hooked on McDonald’s, going for ­binges twice a day plus a fast-food takeaway.

Emma and Dylan Smith ate a huge breakfast of ­McMuffins after driving their ­children to school. They were back for chicken wraps at lunchtime then had takeaway burgers every night, usually from KFC.

The combined weight of the couple, who have four children, soared to nearly 40 stone.

They only gave up their gorging when they were turned away from every ride at Butlins in front of their ­crying family, because both were too fat to do up the safety belts.

Now the blubber has melted away, and they have lost 17 stone between them. Emma, 28, has gone from 22st to 11st. Dylan, 41, who weighed 17st, is 10st 10lbs.

Emma said: “We would drop the children off at school and go to McDonald’s on our way home. We could easily munch our way through three McMuffins every morning.”

At lunchtime they would go back and have two chicken wraps each. For dinner they would have burgers from Burger King or KFC.

Emma said: “We lived on take-away food. We’d snack on McFlurrys and hot chocolates too. It was embarrassing. Staff at McDonald’s knew us so well they knew our order without us having to ask for it.”

Even though Emma has Josh, seven, twins Alex and Hayden, five, and nine-year-old Ellie to look after, she admits. “I never used to cook at home. We weren’t getting fruit or vitamins and became anaemic.”

The crunch came in June 2011 when they went to Butlins to celebrate their sons’ fourth birthday and found they were too fat for the rides.

Emma said: “It upset the children so much.

“We’d travelled all that way and they were so excited about going. But when we got on a ride the belt wouldn’t click over my stomach.

“The assistant saw me struggling and came over and told me that if I couldn’t get it done up then I would have to get off the ride.

“Dylan couldn’t do his up either. We had to get off the ride with the children and they were crying. It was so embarrassing.”

There were plenty of problems when they went out with the kids at home in Frome, Somerset, too.

Emma said: “When we took the children to the park they would beg us to run around with them but we just couldn’t. I’d have to stay sitting on the bench and Dylan’s stomach was nearly as big as mine, so he couldn’t either. He couldn’t play football with the boys.

“If we took them swimming I would wear a T-shirt and shorts to hide my flab.”

The shame Emma and Dylan felt over the Butlins ban prompted them to start dieting, but only joining Slimming World brought them the results they wanted. And they cut out the trips to burger joints.

Emma said: “We tried to lose the weight on our own but we just couldn’t, so we decided that we would join Slimming World.”

The pair, whose typical day’s diet is now Weetabix for breakfast, smoked cod and veg for lunch and homemade bolognese for tea, ­celebrated by returning to Butlins.

Emma said: “We got on the ride and I went to fasten up the safety harness – this time it was no ­problem. The children were thrilled.”

Just FYI, for those who may have missed that day in math class, 10 stones is 140 lbs. That means, between them, they have lost the equivalent of a line backer in the NFL.

But if there is hope, then I must also find joy and fun. And, because I’m me, I did find them …. at a funeral.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the death of David S. Kime and one more thing to add to my “after I kick the bucket” list.

On the way to his final resting place Saturday, David S. Kime Jr.’s loved ones took a spin through the Burger King drive-through on the corner of Route 30 and Pennsylvania Avenue for one last WHOPPER JR.

The 88-year-old West York man died Jan. 20 at York Hospital.

“He always lived by his own rules,” said Linda Phiel, one of Kime’s three daughters. “His version of eating healthy was the lettuce on the WHOPPER JR.”

As a tribute to a man who loved fast food, Phiel’s family stopped for some burgers on the way to the cemetery. Mourners followed the hearse carrying Kime’s flag-draped casket through the drive-thru. Each got a WHOPPER JR.

The sandwich was among Kime’s favorites.

“He liked his WHOPPER JRs.,” said Margaret Hess, head manager of the Manchester Township Burger King. She and her staff prepared 40 of the sandwiches for the funeral procession.

“They also wanted one for the deceased,” Hess said.

Phiel said the display wasn’t a joke, rather a happy way of honoring her father and the things that brought him joy.

“All of us are going to be in this position,” she said. “And I think there’s a certain group who think we should be crying. But on the other hand, he lived a wonderful life and on his own terms.”

Phiel said her father did what he wanted and ate what he wanted since her mother, Grace, died about 25 years ago.

“My mother kind of kept him in check,” Phiel said. “When she died, for a while, he would eat with us. But he considered us health freaks because we ate things that were green, like broccoli.”

Kime was borderline diabetic for years and had a pacemaker. Phiel told him a healthy diet would help him live longer.

“He would say, ‘I won’t live longer, it will just seem like it because I’ll be more miserable faster,'” Phiel said.

Her father wasn’t a big man, only about 5 feet tall, but he could eat.

“He was not prejudiced,” Phiel said. “He would go to any fast food place anyone invited him to.”

He liked tacos, pizza, hamburgers, subs and hot dogs.

“He would take his Cadillac, which he loved, and drive up to Hanover and have a gut-buster,” Phiel said, referring to hot dogs. “If it wasn’t the kind of day to drive out to Hanover, he would drive out to Wiener World on Memory Lane.”

After a while, Phiel gave up lecturing her father.

“When you’re 88 years old, I guess you’ve earned the right to do what you want to do,” she said.

Though the tribute to her father was light-hearted, it was hard to say goodbye.

When Phiel placed the WHOPPER JR. atop the spray of lilies and roses on her father’s casket, she started to cry.

But knowing her father lived a full life gives her solace.

“I think his biggest fear was that he not be able to live as he chose,” she said. “I’m so grateful he never had to.”

A Burger King first
After working for Burger King for 34 years, Margaret Hess saw something new Saturday: a funeral procession at her drive-through.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Hess, the head manager of the Manchester Township Burger King.

Heffner Funeral Chapel & Crematory made arrangements in advance to bring the procession through.

The idea was to honor David S. Kime Jr., a World War II veteran who was awarded a Purple Heart. The 88-year-old West York man loved to eat fast food, and dined at various places every week. He died Jan. 20 at York Hospital from heart complications.

Hess said she didn’t know Kime by name, but she knew his face and remembered he ordered WHOPPER JRs.

“It’s nice to know he was a loyal customer up until the end — the very end,” Hess said.

There is a pic of them placing the burger on the casket. Everyone looks so solemn that you can’t help but laugh. Which, I believe, would be a response that Mr. Kime would have heartily approved.

So, the good news is we can make ourselves better and we can have fun, just not in Arizona, New Mexico or Florida.

Fast Food Freestyle: The Original from Joe Woody on Vimeo.

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As astute readers here know I am friends with Adam Barta. He’s a great guy. One of the many reasons I consider him a friend. His, inexplicable, fascination with doing the duets with Octomom are an aside as far as I’m concerned. We all have our quirks. I got to thinking about him as I read about how Octomom was going to be stripper in Florida. Given that stripping is the main source of income in most of Florida, this is not a surprise. Of course, as the Octomom shows others how to collect food stamps while working as a, wannabe, porn star, others, such as Amanda Warren, wonder if they could make a living with a career as a porn star. The advice that she should work her way up from lesbian porn is priceless. It may be the most unintentionally funny article I’ve eve read. Go ahead and click the link. Of course that doesn’t hold a holy candle to the couple who wanted evangelist Pat Robertson to save their souls while they had sex.

My husband I would be naked and making love in our bed all the while Pat Robertson will be constantly attempting to save our souls and the female to have ongoing dialogue trying to sell us an Ab Rocket in 3 easy payments.

God, I love Craig’s List.

But not all online ads lead to divorce or harassment. Some lead to happy pets. Assuming, of course, that your pet likes pole dancing.

Bad economic times lead to more abandoned pets and Hurricane Sandy only made things worse. However, many homeless pets have some brand new advocates: NYC’s finest pole dancers.

To support the no-kill shelter Animal Haven, Ajia Maximillian, a dancer, instructor and choreographer contributed her time and skills to the fundraiser, saying “what could be better than having pole performances that benefit our furry friends?”

HuffPost Live host Marc Lamont Hill enjoyed the conversation, getting to cuddle up with Dorito, a shelter dog brought on set by Tiffany Lacey, executive director of Animal Haven.

Also joining in were Jane Hoffman, president of the Mayor’s Alliance for NYC’s Animals, and HuffPost Live’s own Caitlyn Becker, an owner of a rescue dog.

So the guy got a temporary cuddle? I’m thinking there may be a new career for that dog.

In other fun news, Las Vegas recently hosted the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards where Natasha Nice, probably not her real name, delivered this glorious quote; “I spend a lot of time there, especially in my scenes. I like lesbian scenes a lot, and we find ourselves in the bathroom regularly.”

No, it’s not you, she really makes no sense at all.

But, if that’s the kind of girl you want to bring home to mom, then Andy Campbell has all the advice you’ll need.

Angel slipped out of her stripes and into something more comfortable: a pair of high-heels she called her “Vegas Sneakers,” a pretty black skirt and a peacoat. On the short walk to KISS Mini Golf, I had a million questions for her. The 32-year-old former Rutgers student has dated in and out of the adult industry — full disclosure, her last 6-year relationship was with James Deen, and now look who she’s on a date with! — but she had some tips for those “civilians” trying to impress a sex goddess.

“People think that porn stars don’t have basic needs, and don’t want cute text messages and nice dates,” Angel said. “There are not a lot of guys that can do it. First of all, they get really intimidated, and second of all, I really do have high standards. Let’s be honest, I need to have good sex, but I want that connection too.”

Yeah, James Deen had to boink Lindsay Lohan in a low buck thriller. So it seems to me that Angel got out while the getting was good. God only knows what’s living in is bloodstream now.

Then again, it seems that not even the porn industry is safe from recession. Except for the fact that it’s more popular than ever the industry is struggling. Why? Because everything is free and free don’t pay the bills.

Walking around the Adult Entertainment Expo (AEE) in Las Vegas, you’d never know the porn industry was at half-mast, sales-wise.

There are floor-to-ceiling billboards of scantily clad sex actresses and HD TV screens showing every conceivable type of fornication (and a few unconceivable ones as well). Fans can take pictures with stars like Lisa Ann (the porn version of Sarah Palin), Julia Ann (no relation) and Alexis Texas (formerly Alexis Texass). If polite enough, the fanboy or frangirl might even get to touch a breast.

If the AEE was one’s only exposure to the industry, the crowded convention hall might seem proof that porn is truly recession-proof. But insiders claim the business has gone limp — metaphorically speaking — because more people are watching porn for free over the Internet instead of purchasing it.

The end result means fewer gigs for hard-working porn performers like Dave Cummings, a 72-year-old porn actor who has also produced three series: “Dirty Dave’s Sugar Daddy,” “Sex Fun” and “Kneepad Nymphos.”

“The piracy has killed the industry,” Cummings told HuffPost. “I’d say 80 percent of the companies that were around five years ago either don’t exist or are hanging by a thread. The day a new video comes out, within 24 hours, someone has set up a tripod in front of their TV to copy it and then uploaded it illegally.”

Cummings is staying home in San Diego this year, and feels the piracy has forced him into a premature retirement. “I’m not able to cover production costs, so why do it?” he said. “Companies that are still in business are either paying less in salary or having McDonalds do the catering instead of craft services.”

Nate Glass, who runs TakeDownPiracy, an organization battling online porn copyright infringement, estimates DVD sales have dropped by 50 percent since 2007.

“A mid-level company that might have earned $350,000 a month in DVD sales before that was earning maybe $150,000 to $200,000 when the recession hit,” Glass said. “That may have partly been due to the recession, but there hasn’t been a bounceback like in other industries.”

It’s hard to track how much money the porn industry has lost, because it’s nearly impossible to figure how much it typically earns. Theo Sapoutzis, the CEO and Chairman of Adult Video News (AVN), a trade journal that covers the porn industry and organizes the AEE, estimates that the pornography business made $10 billion in 2012, but admits getting exact figures is close to impossible since many porn companies are privately owned and tend to “inflate” their figures.

Sapoutzis “guesstimates” the industry made as much as $13 to $15 billion during its peak in the mid-2000s, before the recession. He accepts Cummings’ suggestion that 80 percent of porn companies are now defunct or struggling, but Sapoutzis sees that as a sign that the porn business is maturing, not dying.

“There are more performers than ever before, but they’re working as cam girls at home interacting with people, rather than in a studio,” he said. “From a company standpoint, there’s bigger competition. It’s more difficult to enter.”

Darren Roberts, who was the CEO of AVN between 1996 and 2010, said the last few years have been rough on sales of filmed fornication, but it’s hard to know how much the companies are struggling.

“The companies are tightly held, so you have to take what they say with a grain of salt,” he told HuffPost. “Otherwise, you can check sales at the retail level, the distributors or even the printer to see how many box covers were printed. But, even then, everyone refutes the figures anyway.”

“The only thing for sure is video sales,” said Roberts, who is also the author of The Unsexpected Story, a new book about the porn industry. “Sometimes, you can check which films did well on hotel cable systems because those are publicly traded companies.”

No one can or will say how much money the porn industry has lost, but porn insiders won’t deny that fewer films are being made, forcing actresses like Tanya Tate — a 33-year-old who specializes in playing cougar roles — to adapt.

“The budgets have been slashed,” she told HuffPost. “Performers often have to do their own makeup.”

Tate’s solution has been to diversify. She started a PR agency, Star Factory PR, that represents herself and other adult industry actresses, and she also directs films.

Tate also has tried to broaden her base by capitalizing on her interest in cosplay, and dressing up in sexy superhero outfits. “I don’t say I’m a porn star,” she said. “I just say, ‘I’m Tanya Tate and I have a cosplay site.’ It’s SFW [safe for work], but if they do further research on Facebook or Twitter, people will make the connection.”

Other adult stars and companies are trying to make up for lost revenue by breaking into new products, according to Sherri Shaulis, the senior editor of Pleasure Products for AVN. “Video companies are breaking into novelties like sex toys or lingerie,” Shaulis said. “The idea is that you can’t download the novelty.”

If times are as tough as porn industry insiders say, it’s possible they could get worse with the passage of Measure B, a controversial condom-only porn measure that Los Angeles voters approved in November. The law requires adult film producers in the city to obtain a health permit before filming and performers to use condoms while engaged in sex. It also calls for health officials to be present on working sets and makes violators subject to fines and criminal charges.

But that’s only, Akira says, if authorities can figure out how to implement it. “No one knows what’s going to happen or how it will be enforced,” she said. “Porn was illegal to shoot not that long ago and it still happened.”

Roberts said despite the economic hardships the business has apparently faced in recent years, he thinks things are bouncing back. “I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel,” he said. “DVD sales are coming back from two years ago. It was doom and gloom for a while, but people who put out good high quality product survived.”

Ladies and gentlemen, a world without porn is a world without innovation. Allow me to share a small part of a much larger example.

You are reading this. That fact alone, that you can read, is almost entirely attributable to porn. See, back in the middle ages almost no one could read. There weren’t any books and even less of a need. The rich saw no reason for the proletariat to be all uppity and learned and the proletariat had no idea what any of those words meant. Sure some guy named Guttenberg invented a method for printing the bible, but that was of interest only to priests and that one crazy guy who talked to corn. Then, in 1524, along came this guy named Agostino Caracciand he printed a book called “I Modi” (literally “The Ways”). The book contained words and pictures. And, while the pictures were of graphic sex acts, you couldn’t truly appreciate them unless you could read the words. Because, I Modi wasn’t just porn, it was an erotic instruction manual. And if you wanted your special someone to do that special something you needed to be able to explain the steps and you couldn’t do that if you couldn’t read.

Sure Pope Clement VII jailed anyone involved with it and ordered every copy destroyed but that was about as effective as demanding that people stop breathing. It was translated from its original Latin into every European language. But, because it was in Latin, and the bible was in Latin, regular people could read, understand and, eventually, question what they were being taught.

And when people finally realized the true power of literacy there was this fun little thing called The Renaissance.

As you can see, the world owes a lot to the adult entertainment industry. So, if you want to keep getting cool innovations like streaming video, interactive cell phones and, of course, basic literacy, stop stealing porn and pay your fair share.

Picture Perfect from Double Helix on Vimeo.

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Several people have asked why Lupe Fiasco was asked to leave the inaugural celebration where he was performing. It had nothing to do with his lyrics since everyone was aware of what his stuff is about. No, it was his in between song rants. He forgot that the evening was not about him or his politics. For once in his life he was part of something bigger and he screwed it up. He made everyone uncomfortable and the nice Secret Service people politely escorted him out. According to two people I spoke with it was probably for his own safety as much as anything. That’s right, Mr. Fiasco managed to make a room full of people, who were celebrating peace and unity, homicidal. That’s a special skill. As to the ongoing comedy that is Manti Te’o’s life, just keep in mind that his “girlfriend” was, according to him, someone who had met his family, had been an active part of his life and so on. In other words he lied. And he lied well. Or, scarier still, he believed it. Either way, it was all about him and his suffering and his little world until it exploded. So, now you’ve learned that self absorption is bad.

In a similar vein, an elite squad of Florida law enforcement officials took to the coasts to catch terrorists before they boarded cruise ships. Why they thought that terrorists would be taking Disney cruises is beyond me and never explained. They did a lot of research, spent a lot of money and, much to their surprise, caught someone. That someone is Ms. Robin Hall, a 41 year old aerospace engineer from Connecticut. Her crime? She skipped out on an $85 shoplifting fine 22 years ago. She was jailed and missed her trip.

I don’t know about you but I feel safer already.

But the winner of the self absorbed tool category has to be Taro Aso. He thinks that elderly people are cluttering up the country and should just die and make life better for him and his.

Did I mention he’s one of Japan’s highest ranking officials? No? I probably should have.

Japan’s new government is barely a month old, and already one of its most senior members has insulted tens of millions of voters by suggesting that the elderly are an unnecessary drain on the country’s finances.

Taro Aso, the finance minister, said on Monday that the elderly should be allowed to “hurry up and die” to relieve pressure on the state to pay for their medical care.

“Heaven forbid if you are forced to live on when you want to die. I would wake up feeling increasingly bad knowing that [treatment] was all being paid for by the government,” he said during a meeting of the national council on social security reforms. “The problem won’t be solved unless you let them hurry up and die.”

Aso’s comments are likely to cause offence in Japan, where almost a quarter of the 128 million population is aged over 60. The proportion is forecast to rise to 40% over the next 50 years.

The remarks are also an unwelcome distraction for the new prime minister, Shinzo Abe, whose first period as Japan’s leader ended with his resignation after just a year, in 2007, partly due to a string of gaffes by members of his cabinet.

Rising welfare costs, particularly for the elderly, were behind a decision last year to double consumption [sales] tax to 10% over the next three years, a move Aso’s Liberal Democratic party supported.

The 72-year-old, who doubles as deputy prime minister, said he would refuse end-of-life care. “I don’t need that kind of care,” he said in comments quoted by local media, adding that he had written a note instructing his family to deny him life-prolonging medical treatment.

To compound the insult, he referred to elderly patients who are no longer able to feed themselves as “tube people”. The health and welfare ministry, he added, was “well aware that it costs several tens of millions of yen” a month to treat a single patient in the final stages of life.

Cost aside, caring for the elderly is a major challenge for Japan’s stretched social services. According to a report this week, the number of households receiving welfare, which include family members aged 65 or over, stood at more than 678,000, or about 40% of the total. The country is also tackling a rise in the number of people who die alone, most of whom are elderly. In 2010, 4.6 million elderly people lived alone, and the number who died at home soared 61% between 2003 and 2010, from 1,364 to 2,194, according to the bureau of social welfare and public health in Tokyo.

The government is planning to reduce welfare expenditure in its next budget, due to go into force this April, with details of the cuts expected within days.

Aso, who has a propensity for verbal blunders, later attempted to clarify his comments. He acknowledged his language had been “inappropriate” in a public forum and insisted he was talking only about his personal preference.

“I said what I personally believe, not what the end-of-life medical care system should be,” he told reporters. “It is important that you be able spend the final days of your life peacefully.”

It is not the first time Aso, one of Japan’s wealthiest politicians, has questioned the state’s duty towards its large elderly population. In 2008, while serving as prime minister, he described “doddering” pensioners as tax burdens who should take better care of their health.

“I see people aged 67 or 68 at class reunions who dodder around and are constantly going to the doctor,” he said at a meeting of economists. “Why should I have to pay for people who just eat and drink and make no effort? I walk every day and do other things, but I’m paying more in taxes.”

He had already angered the country’s doctors by telling them they lacked common sense, made a joke about Alzheimer’s patients, and pronounced “penniless young men” unfit for marriage.

In 2001, he said he wanted Japan to become the kind of successful country in which “the richest Jews would want to live”.

He once likened an opposition party to the Nazis, praised Japan’s colonial rule in Taiwan and, as foreign minister, told US diplomats they would never be trusted in Middle East peace negotiations because they have “blue eyes and blond hair”.

While figures released on Monday showed a record 2.14 million Japanese were receiving welfare in October 2012, Aso has led a life of privilege few of his compatriots could hope to match.

He is the grandson of Shigeru Yoshida, an influential postwar prime minister, and is married to the daughter of another former premier.

While campaigning for the premiership in 2008, Aso refused to acknowledge the use of hundreds of allied prisoners of war by his family’s coal mining business during the second world war. He served as president of the firm’s successor, Aso Cement, from 1973-79.

Add him to the list of people I wouldn’t want to be stuck in an elevator with.

The bigger problem here is one of tradition. Japan has centuries of tradition of taking care and revering their elderly. The fact that more and ore elderly are being shunned by their progeny is already a source of great pain. Remarks like Aso’s only fuel the fire.

Add in the fact that, for a while, the problem that Japan is facing is one the whole world is. Thanks to the Boomer generation there will be, for the next 40 or 50 years, a disproportionate number of elderly people. And they aren’t going to kill themselves just to make people like Mr. Aso happy.

“forever-a while”- Shot with Sony A-65 from Johnnie Behiri on Vimeo.

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Why am I still surprised by stuff? Probably because some things would never occur to me. I have never woke up in the morning and thought that wandering into a swamp filled with deadly animals and heavily armed people would be a great way to start my day. Yet, in Florida, that’s exactly what hundreds of fun lovers are doing. So far there have been no reported fatalities. In fact many of the things I write about I would never do. No sane person would. The one fun thing about writing this blog is that I never have an idea what people will react to. My recent article about the history of cheese led me to receive multiple emails from people who were furious that I said that eating cheese supported the Taliban. I said nothing of the sort and it was clear that someone had taken a couple of sentences wildly out of context to fuel their own hate. One young lady wrote me that she hadn’t read anything so vile in the entire two thousand thirteen year history of America. Yeah, I didn’t bother responding. If someone believes that Jesus and Thomas Jefferson were hanging out together there is no way I’m going to fix that.

But as odd as that was the story I ran across today seems to trump it. And it too involves cheese. It seems that Kraft is waging war on rival Mac & Cheese makers.

The arms race is vicious and cut-throat. Competitors urgently strive to strike big-ticket deals with media companies. At the same time, their lawyers are running out and filing patents to protect multi-million dollar designs. And that is just the first step. Drafting the pieces seems simple, but in actuality borders on the impossible. All lines must intersect, and each one has a minimum viable thickness to which it must adhere. The hard pieces must be able to retain their shapes even when placed in boiling water for as long as 10 minutes, all while transforming into a soft, malleable form.

And then, these pieces of macaroni need to hold — and taste good with — liquefied orange goop charitably called “cheese.” Welcome to the mac and cheese wars.

Every day, Kraft Foods sells one million boxes of its trademark mac and cheese in their iconic blue box. Maintaining that customer base isn’t to be taken for granted, however, as after a while, children who grew up on mac and cheese age, and, in turn, stop eating it. So Kraft has to attract new mac and cheese fans — and to do so, it relies on an ever-expanding army of creatively-shaped pieces of pasta.

Enter people like Guillermo Haro. As elucidated by this Wall Street Journal profile, Haro and his team of “pasta architects” are core to the brand’s ongoing success. And it’s not child’s play. Haro and others are charged with developing new pasta shapes which will capture the fancy of young eaters, yes, but drawing up silly shapes hardly describes the process fairly. In over two decades of pasta-shaping, Haro has come up with 2,000 designs, of which a mere 280 have made it to consumers. At fewer than 100 designs a year with an 85 percent rejection rate, that’s a lot of pasta experimentation — and a lot of failure.

The difficulties are a mix of intellectual property pitfalls and then, design ones. On one hand, there’s a team of business development professionals who look to partner with brands the children already know and love — the Journal cites “Spongebob Squarepants” and “Phineas and Ferb” — and enter into agreements to make pasta shaped like these characters. On the other hand, sometimes Haro and team come up with their own fun shapes, such as the U.S.-shaped pasta drawn above. If they succeed, the next step is to get the design patented, which happens more than one would expect. A search of Google’s patent index shows over 2,000 or so patents involving shaped pasta. Haro and his team are responsible for 29 of them.

In either case, Haro’s mission is to make sure that the pasta does all the things mac and cheese pasta should do. It has to retain its shape after being boiled — what kid wants to eat a disintegrated Spongebob or Phineas’ friend, Blob? Further, the pasta has to hold onto just the right amount of whatever the cheese-like substance that orange powder is, and, of course, taste good.

If they could only do this for vegetables.

Bonus fact: The song “Yankee Doodle” speaks of a man who “stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni.” Why would a young gentleman from the American Revolution want to pretend he had pasta in his hat? He wouldn’t. “Macaroni,” in that context and in mid-18th century England, referred to a man with an extremely unique sense of fashion, as seen here. Macaronis were typically high class fellows and the lyric from “Yankee Doodle” is sarcastic, poking fun at the cultural ignorance of those in the New World. (Americans would, nonetheless, reclaim the song as their own, singing it with honor.) Where’d the fashion term “macaroni” come from? Back to the noodle we go. The macaroni pasta was a favorite of young, upper-class British men who traveled to Italy, and the term came (temporarily) to mean “trendy” or “fashionable.”

Yes, you read that right. They sell a million boxes a day of orange goop. Just in case you were curious how far along the decline of civilization is.

Pretty darn far.

Anyway, since you learned about macaroni you should also know that Macaroni and Cheese was invented by Thomas Jefferson. If you click on the link you can make it the way he intended.

But, in case you’re afraid that blue box mac & cheese is too healthy, I have good news for you. Larry the Cable Guy has a line of pre-fried foods as well as his version of mac & cheese that has green stuff in it.

Mac ‘n’ Cheese from Mac 'N' Cheese on Vimeo.

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I woke up this morning, always a good sign for any day, and was greeted by my friendly web-bot with the latest news I could use. And I learned something right away. There are over 30 commercially available products and services marketed with the name “Super Sucker.” There is also a movie by that name. That fact will become relevant later. Well, not the movie, but the name. You see, after a week of serious discussions about serious topics ranging from gun control to cheese, I thought you might need a break. God knows I do. The dour mood of our nation needs, in the famous words of Jack Nicholson, a wedgie. Oddly enough, it was just that act that got a teenager in Florida tossed into jail. I’m not sure what the mind set is to make someone wander down to the local mall and give strangers wedgies, but I do know that kind of stuff gets your happy butt tossed in jail. Even in Florida. No, I only advocate imaginary wedgies. Would that be wedgie porn? I’ll leave that to the philosophers among you.

Anyway, on to happy stuff. We have tired of stories about dog bites man or man bites dog. Thankfully, Florida exists and has given us a whole new take on things.

Dog runs over man with a Chevy van.

A Florida man has died after a dog jumped into a van and pushed the accelerator, causing the vehicle to strike the man as he opened a gate outside of his home, authorities said.

The Florida Highway Patrol reported that 68-year-old James Campbell was pronounced dead at the scene by medical personnel.

The strange incident began as Campbell and Iris Fortner, 68, returned to their home in Cantonment, Fla., on the Florida Panhandle on Monday.

According to an FHP report, while Fortner, who was driving, backed a 1995 Chevy van into their property, Campbell got out of the passenger’s side of the vehicle to open a metal gate outside their home.

As Fortner opened the driver’s side door to see where Campbell was standing, her large boxer came running toward the van and jumped in, pressing the accelerator, the report said.

Before Fortner could stop the vehicle, it struck and ran over Campbell, trapping him under it, according to the report. He was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.

Campbell’s death is under investigation. Fortner has not been charged.

So there you are, standing in front of the Pearly Gates. How the heck do you explain this to St. Peter?

“Umm, well, umm, you see …. oh screw it, just send me to Hell.”

Okay, moving on. I promised you something would involve super suckers. Just for your further edification, companies ranging from sewage removal to squid farms use that name. But, for our purposes here today we are going to concentrate on a sex toy. Allow me to share the sad tale of Alex Perez.

On January 4th, Alexander Marcelino Perez, 19, was busted on a domestic injunction violation, according to Manatee County court records.

Then, last Sunday, Perez got pinched again.

He visited a Spencer’s, a shop known for selling some edgy and novelty items, and asked for a job application, according to an arrest affidavit from the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office.

But instead of filling out an application, the Bradenton teen went to the rear of the store where he was observed by a security officer swiping a ‘Super Sucker’ adult pleasure gadget from the shelf. After removing the packaging, he reportedly stuck the $16.99 sex toy inside his pocket, the arrest report stated.

Perez was nabbed after he left the store without paying the cashier, deputies said.

You’re in the joint. In holding. You’re waiting to see a judge. Someone, who probably just killed and ate his parents, sits down next to, and looks at, you and asks “Whach you in for?” I point this out just in case you thought poor Alex’ day couldn’t get any worse.

Now this next bit could only happen in Florida. A family’s pet grizzly bear escaped.

Deputies are searching for a grizzly bear cub that ran away from a private residence in Golden Gate Estates on Tuesday morning.

The Collier County Sheriff’s Office is assisting the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission in the search.

The 100-pound cub ran away from a residence in the 4000 block of DeSoto Boulevard around 11 a.m.

Deputies are cautioning residents in the area to be on alert for the cub and not approach it.

Residents are advised to secure trash cans in their garage or enclosed area

Anyone who sees the cub is asked to contact the Collier County Sheriff’s Office at 252-9300, or call the FWCC Wildlife Alert hotline at 888-404-FWCC (3922).

You see, people who live in the north, near wild grizzlies, would sooner dive into lava than take home a grizzly. They do not make good pets. They will, at some point, eat the slowest family member. As the film Grizzly Man clearly demonstrated.

Then again, like the python hunt, that may be good news for the gene pool.

One thing Florida police do get right, and I have lauded them before, is get perverts off the streets.

Recently Polk County Sheriff’s Police ran a four day sting to get prostitutes off their streets. How many people did they nab over four days?

10?

20?

Oh hell no, they actually may have caused a recession by making such a dent in the local economy.

They arrested 78.

Polk County Sheriff’s Office detectives, working in an undercover capacity, conducted a four-day investigation, beginning Thursday, January 10, 2013, through Sunday, January 13, 2013, targeting online e-commerce sites related to men and women who were advertising to commit prostitution and solicit for prostitution.

At the conclusion of the investigation, 78 suspects were arrested.  Their charges ranged from Solicitation of Prostitution in which the suspects either posted online ads, or answered online ads; to Possession of Illegal Drugs, Aiding and Abetting, Escape, Traffic Offenses, Battery on a Law Enforcement Officer, Violation of Probation, and Failure to Register as a Sexual Offender.

“Our message is clear – Prostitution is illegal and those who commit or who derive proceeds from this crime in Polk County can expect to go to jail. 

The negative social costs of prostitution hurt families, children and communities.  During this investigation we discovered three young children who were left in the care of men they likely didn’t know while their mother traveled to the undercover location to derive proceeds from prostitution.  Subsequently, these young children were ‘dropped off’ with a neighbor.  Their mother had no idea where they were when we found them.  The potential dangers these children faced is unthinkable.

Many of those we arrested have past offenses, a number of which included felony arrest histories with one suspect having 38 total arrests in the central Florida area.

One suspect was a wanted Sexual Predator with a warrant for Failure to Register, another wanted for Grand Theft.  And many were charged with drug possession.

Some of those arrested had reputable jobs, such as working in Information Technology with the City of Lakeland; there was a retired American Airline Pilot, and a Microbiologist employed by a food testing lab in Georgia.  Others arrested included a medical technician, laborers, restaurant servers, Dalavone Keobandith who claimed to be an award winning Porn Star, and Claude Riley III, a transsexual suspect who said he works for MAC Cosmetics.  

There were 21 suspects who told detectives they were unemployed and 14 suspects who told deputies they were receiving government assistance.

And there was Jeremiah Hintz who wanted to go into law enforcement.  Hintz was attending South Florida Community College and due to graduate Wednesday, January 16, 2013, from the Basic Law Enforcement Academy.

Anyone who breaks the law in Polk County will be arrested, regardless of what occupation they have or want to have.  Whether it is on the street, or online, it is illegal and we will continue to investigate and arrest those involved in prostitution.  If you conduct activity like this in Polk County, you will be arrested.”  – Sheriff Grady Judd

Of the 78 suspects arrested:

18 admitted they were married –one male and female suspect were married to each other

31 have criminal arrest histories – 9 of whom are registered felons – and one of whom has 86 previous charges in the Tampa Bay area.  Felons from this investigation have a combined total of 339 past charges; of those, 42 prior violent crime charges, including Armed Robbery, Robbery, Aggravated Assault (with and without a deadly weapon), Aggravated Battery, Battery Domestic Violence, Stalking, Rape, Kidnapping, Child Abuse

22 were charged with possession of drugs

26 told detectives they were unemployed

50 admitted to being employed – Job types included: information technology, microbiologist, health technician, city employees, laborers, mechanics, a retired airline pilot, a porn star, food servers, and a Law Enforcement Academy trainee due to graduate Wednesday, January 16, 2013.

14 told detectives they were receiving government aid; one suspect denied receiving aid, however had food stamps in her possession

Yeah, nothing says romance like a hooker with food stamps.

Now the government aid part is a big deal. Unreported income can cause you to lose you assistance. I’m guessing that 14 people are going to be having difficult conversations with a local aid worker. The same applies to city workers since an arrest like this is cause for automatic termination from the public sector.

Obviously the parole violators and other lovely patrons are going to be off the streets for a while.

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It all makes sense now. The world has gone completely insane. Some people can’t handle reality so they make up this wildly dystopian universe and demand we live in it. Never has that been more true than with the “Sandy Hook Conspiracy Theories.” If you click here you will see just how demented those people are. I don’t want to waste a bunch of time on them since I am hoping to be funny today, but these people are beyond sad. To look the families of those dead children in the eyes and say “Sorry, your kids are just hiding, it’s all government plot to take our beloved guns” passed sick five miles back with all flags waving. I get it, there are some people who do not like our president. Anything that happens, no matter how random, is proof that he is going to impose martial law. Never mind facts or history or anything else. Hell the guy can’t get a budget through the House of Representatives, how the hell is he going to impose his will on a nation?

I’m done now.

Okay, deep breath, on to funny.

The Miami Herald is proud to report that not every nutcase in the universe lives in Florida. In fact, they were so excited by this discovery that they turned a silly article into a stunning example of epic journalism. It is even more fun than Manti Te’o’s imaginary dead girlfriend.

Quick aside, before any female made it to girlfriend status with me we had to actually meet first. Of course, I never went to Notre Dame.

All right, back on track. The Miami Herald is reporting that the Cincinnati school system is being sued by a teacher who claims she was forced to work with kids.

You just can’t make this stuff up.

A former high school teacher is accusing school district administrators of discriminating against her because of a rare phobia she says she has: a fear of young children.

Maria Waltherr-Willard, 61, had been teaching Spanish and French at Mariemont High School in Cincinnati since 1976.

Waltherr-Willard, who does not have children of her own, said that when she was transferred to the district’s middle school in 2009, the seventh- and eighth-graders triggered her phobia, causing her blood pressure to soar and forcing her to retire in the middle of the 2010-2011 school year.

In her lawsuit against the district, filed in federal court in Cincinnati, Waltherr-Willard said that her fear of young children falls under the federal American with Disabilities Act and that the district violated it by transferring her in the first place and then refusing to allow her to return to the high school.

The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages.

Gary Winters, the school district’s attorney, said Tuesday that Waltherr-Willard was transferred because the French program at the high school was being turned into an online one and that the middle school needed a Spanish teacher.

“She wants money,” Winters said of Walter-Willard’s motivation to sue. “Let’s keep in mind that our goal here is to provide the best teachers for students and the best academic experience for students, which certainly wasn’t accomplished by her walking out on them in the middle of the year.”

Waltherr-Willard and her attorney, Brad Weber, did not return calls for comment Tuesday.

Winters also denied Walter-Willard’s claim that the district transferred her out of retaliation for her unauthorized comments to parents about the French program ending – “the beginning of a deliberate, systematic and calculated effort to squeeze her out of a job altogether,” Weber wrote in a July 2011 letter to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

The lawsuit said that Waltherr-Willard has been treated for her phobia since 1991 and also suffers from general anxiety disorder, high blood pressure and a gastrointestinal illness. She was managing her conditions well until the transfer, according to the lawsuit.

Working with the younger students adversely affected Waltherr-Willard’s health, the lawsuit said.

She was “unable to control her blood pressure, which was so high at times that it posed a stroke risk,” according to the lawsuit, which includes a statement from her doctor about her high blood pressure. “The mental anguish suffered by (Waltherr-Willard) is serious and of a nature that no reasonable person could be expected to endure the same.”

The lawsuit was filed in June and is set to go to trial in February 2014. A judge last week dismissed three of the ex-teacher’s claims, but left discrimination claims standing.

The lawsuit says that Waltherr-Willard has lost out on at least $100,000 of potential income as a result of her retirement.

Winters said that doesn’t make sense, considering that Waltherr-Willard’s take from retirement is 89 percent of what her annual salary was, which was around $80,000.

Patrick McGrath, a clinical psychologist and director of the Center for Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorders near Chicago, said that he has treated patients who have fears involving children and that anyone can be afraid of anything.

“A lot of people will look at something someone’s afraid of and say, ‘There is no rational reason to be afraid of that,'” he said. “But anxiety disorders are emotion-based. … We’ve had mothers who wouldn’t touch their children after they’re born.”

He said most phobias begin with people asking themselves, “What if?” and then imagining the worst-case scenario.

“You can make an association to something and be afraid of it,” McGrath said. “If you get a phone call that your mom was just in a horrible accident as you’re locking the door, you can make an association that bad news comes if you don’t lock the door right. It’s a basic case of conditioning.”

Let’s recap.

Allegedly she was diagnosed with this phobia in 1991. If she was taking any sort of medication, and high blood pressure and anxiety are both treated with medication – not voodoo, the school would have had to know. If for nothing else to make sure she received proper treatment in case of any accident or injury.

The suit also doesn’t specify any aspects of her medical care other than to say “we said so so it must be true.” Certainly the school seems to have been unaware of this minor, yet important, alleged fact.

But let’s assume she is, at least, telling the truth about being afraid of kids. She stayed on the job for twenty years without issue. And, let’s be honest, it isn’t like 14 year olds are that much more mature than 12 year olds. The difference in class behavior is not the same as going from an advanced college class to kindergarten.

And while the shrink at the end of the article is 100% correct, it is also 100% irrelevant. She did not suddenly break down. She is claiming that she spent 20 years fearing children. How the hell could she have even remotely been effective as a teacher if that were true?

Her French classes must have been something out of a nightmare.

“Un, du, trois … I SAID TROIS YOU DISEASED MAGGOT! … Now, who wants to conjugate verbs?”

Anyway, I’m calling horse hockey on this one and moving on.

Which, oddly enough, applies to the first two stories I mentioned here today as well.

Nyle “Let The Beat Build” from Last Pictures on Vimeo.

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I originally wrote this on January 17, 2011. Since yesterday was Dr. King’s birthday a few readers had asked if it still existed since it covered more than the usual ground. Thanks to the glorious archive built by the Wizard of Ed, it does and I can share it again today.

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Today is the day set aside to celebrate the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. A day when people can reflect on the fact that, no, we’re not there yet. Even so, I’ve always been more of a Malcolm X kind of guy. When I first stumbled across his autobiography when I was 17, I was stunned. While everyone was aware of the good works of Dr. King, the majority of white America either ignored, or was ignorant of, Malcolm X. I fell into the latter category. His life story of a man who went from street hustling loser to scion of racial divisionism to finally finding out that Allah (God) truly is love and holds no man above another resonated with me deeply. It was the modern version of the story of Saul who became Paul. And while my personal faith may have taken many strange turns through the years, my admiration for him remained constant.

Nevertheless, today is about Dr. King.

Much of the media focus today will be on three short snippets from his life; the bus boycott, the “I have a dream speech” and his assassination, but there was much more to him than that.

If Malcolm X was the modern allegory of the Apostle Paul, then Dr. King was the modern messiah illuminating the road to Damascus. His biography shows that he too suffered at the hands of the world. His family home was bombed, he was arrested numerous times and his followers were endlessly harassed. Yet he held himself above the fray once famously saying to an angry mob, “We must learn to meet hate with love.”

I’m not sure I have that level of self control, but it’s nice to know that it can be attained.

Another thing many people forget about Dr. King is that he was a practical man who espoused real world virtues, not just visionary hopes, to his followers. One speech of his, often relegated to history’s dust bin, is called The Drum Major Instinct. I’m only going to post an excerpt here, but I hope you will take the time to read it all. It clearly shows a man who had a grasp of the world around him as well as the world he wished to be.

Now the presence of the drum major instinct is why so many people are “joiners.” You know, there are some people who just join everything. And it’s really a quest for attention and recognition and importance. And they get names that give them that impression. So you get your groups, and they become the “Grand Patron,” and the little fellow who is henpecked at home needs a chance to be the “Most Worthy of the Most Worthy” of something. It is the drum major impulse and longing that runs the gamut of human life. And so we see it everywhere, this quest for recognition. And we join things, overjoin really, that we think that we will find that recognition in.

Now the presence of this instinct explains why we are so often taken by advertisers. You know, those gentlemen of massive verbal persuasion. And they have a way of saying things to you that kind of gets you into buying. In order to be a man of distinction, you must drink this whiskey. In order to make your neighbors envious, you must drive this type of car. (Make it plain) In order to be lovely to love you must wear this kind of lipstick or this kind of perfume. And you know, before you know it, you’re just buying that stuff. (Yes) That’s the way the advertisers do it.

I got a letter the other day, and it was a new magazine coming out. And it opened up, “Dear Dr. King: As you know, you are on many mailing lists. And you are categorized as highly intelligent, progressive, a lover of the arts and the sciences, and I know you will want to read what I have to say.” Of course I did. After you said all of that and explained me so exactly, of course I wanted to read it. [laughter]

But very seriously, it goes through life; the drum major instinct is real. (Yes) And you know what else it causes to happen? It often causes us to live above our means. (Make it plain) It’s nothing but the drum major instinct. Do you ever see people buy cars that they can’t even begin to buy in terms of their income? (Amen) [laughter] You’ve seen people riding around in Cadillacs and Chryslers who don’t earn enough to have a good T-Model Ford. (Make it plain) But it feeds a repressed ego.

You know, economists tell us that your automobile should not cost more than half of your annual income. So if you make an income of five thousand dollars, your car shouldn’t cost more than about twenty-five hundred. That’s just good economics. And if it’s a family of two, and both members of the family make ten thousand dollars, they would have to make out with one car. That would be good economics, although it’s often inconvenient. But so often, haven’t you seen people making five thousand dollars a year and driving a car that costs six thousand? And they wonder why their ends never meet. [laughter] That’s a fact.

Now the economists also say that your house shouldn’t cost—if you’re buying a house, it shouldn’t cost more than twice your income. That’s based on the economy and how you would make ends meet. So, if you have an income of five thousand dollars, it’s kind of difficult in this society. But say it’s a family with an income of ten thousand dollars, the house shouldn’t cost much more than twenty thousand. Well, I’ve seen folk making ten thousand dollars, living in a forty- and fifty-thousand-dollar house. And you know they just barely make it. They get a check every month somewhere, and they owe all of that out before it comes in. Never have anything to put away for rainy days.

But now the problem is, it is the drum major instinct. And you know, you see people over and over again with the drum major instinct taking them over. And they just live their lives trying to outdo the Joneses. (Amen) They got to get this coat because this particular coat is a little better and a little better-looking than Mary’s coat. And I got to drive this car because it’s something about this car that makes my car a little better than my neighbor’s car. (Amen) I know a man who used to live in a thirty-five-thousand-dollar house. And other people started building thirty-five-thousand-dollar houses, so he built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house. And then somebody else built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house, and he built a hundred-thousand-dollar house. And I don’t know where he’s going to end up if he’s going to live his life trying to keep up with the Joneses.

There comes a time that the drum major instinct can become destructive. (Make it plain) And that’s where I want to move now. I want to move to the point of saying that if this instinct is not harnessed, it becomes a very dangerous, pernicious instinct. For instance, if it isn’t harnessed, it causes one’s personality to become distorted. I guess that’s the most damaging aspect of it: what it does to the personality. If it isn’t harnessed, you will end up day in and day out trying to deal with your ego problem by boasting. Have you ever heard people that—you know, and I’m sure you’ve met them—that really become sickening because they just sit up all the time talking about themselves. (Amen) And they just boast and boast and boast, and that’s the person who has not harnessed the drum major instinct.

There’s nothing I can add to that so I’ll leave you to your thoughts.