Sexapalooza 2012

Another happy mom in Florida.
While some of the below stories have graced this blog this year, seeing them all in one place is so impressive that it must be shared. And the beautiful part about it is that they have edited out the naked criminals – like the guy who robbed a 7-11 or the guy who peed on a police car while naked – to keep the list as short as it is. This is a state where it is illegal to molest an alligator or a manatee, and has been for years, but only recently have they outlawed sex with menstruating donkeys and so on, and that is being contested. Because, well, you know, God given rights and all that. But, as you scroll through this list and click each and every link, because you will, think about this; every single incident happened this year and these are only the ones that cops know about. You see only about 10% of the people who do stupid sex stuff actually get arrested. That means the other 90% are walking around free and working at Disney World. Anyway, the nice people over at the Florida Sun Sentinel put this list together just for you and you and you but not you, so I’m sharing.

Floridians have been called every name.

Crazy. Crackers. Loco. Too stupid to vote correctly. Blue hairs. Rednecks. Carpetbaggers. Half-baked. In the sun too long.

They say we live in a Banana Republic.

Call us anything you’d like.

However, never ever call us sexually unadventurous.

Even our Governor.

Governor Rick Scott gave out the state’s information hot line for a deadly meningitis outbreak last October.

It turned out to be a hot hot hotline: Scott was one digit off, providing the state’s citizen’s an opportunity to hear the low purr of a woman’s voice offering to talk dirty.

We often go where no man — or woman — goes, sexually speaking.

Don’t believe this?

Well, just consider FloriDUH ‘s Sexapalooza 2012 top picks of sex gone south.

Driving Florida’s highways are never boring, despite the flat landscape and endless billboards. But, if your traveling with kids in the car, better take along a pair of blinders.

Ocala: Woman wearing only pink shirt accused of performing sex and exposing herself to motorists before giving arresting officer “love tap”

Pompano Beach: Woman accused of exposing her entire body at street intersection

Talk about distracted drivers …guess sexting and texting while driving are the least of our worries.

This beats everything. Drummer accused of masturbating while driving on I-95 near Ormond Beach.

Havoc on the highway in Hobe Sound: DUI driver with sex toy in his rump rear-ends another driver.

Jeepers creepers! Naked man allegedly caught masturbating with toy pistol in anus while driving his Jeep in Fort Pierce

Crash in Port Charlotte! Woman pulled gun on man in moving car — while having sex, deputies say

Folks in orgies really got into the swing of things in 2012.

Too bad we don’t have group holding cells just for them.

Zephyrhills: Threesome sex romp ended in gunfire, deputies say

Spring Hill: Naked, jealous swingers duke it out at orgy, deputies say.

Vero Beach: Wife enraged at hubby’s request to ‘use the bed’ — with another woman. This couple was married only 5-months.

Floridians insist the best of everything, including sex.

Or there could be a price to pay.

Bradenton: Woman attacked boyfriend after bad sex, cops say

Some like it hot; but Floridians like it freaky.

Naples: Naked man wanted to get ‘freaky’ with passed out drunken woman

A day at the beach sure isn’t like it used to be.

Bonita Beach Perv alert: Suspected noisy beach masturbator busted.

Sanibel: Two dudes busted for having sex on the beach. Real sex, not the drink.

Ocala: Nude sunbathing sex offender held rubber penis. Somebody get him a rubber ducky and bathing trunks. Fast.

Floridians can be animal lovers….sometimes a little too much.

Clearwater: Here’s a real pervert’s pervert. Man accused of having sex with dog — and having kiddie porn on his ‘puter

Ocala: Donkey-sex suspect wants his “Doodle’ back, officials say Which one’s the real arse?

Fort Lauderdale: Man accused of having sex with a dog named Mimi

Gadsden County:  Neigh way! Man busted for having sex with a horse…twice, deputies say

Some folks even legally fought for their right to love animals.

Clearwater: Man reportedly fought and licked loophole in Florida’s bestiality law

Ocala: Donkey sex suspect’s lawyers wants to void law banning sex with animals

Sometimes our adventursome nature has impaired our better judgment.

Port St. Lucie: Man jailed after apparent inappropriate ‘yanking’

When a neighbor yelled at the man, he kept yanking away, refusing to put on his hand brake – even for the cops

Port Lucie: Nude dude spotted ‘working real hard ‘ at masturbating in his front yard

Niceville, of all places! Teen charged with indecent exposure while at church .

Others just couldn’t resist the lure of sex in a public place.

Orlando: Couple had sex on restaurant’s outside patio table at Paddy Murphy’s. They then got to see another Paddy – a paddy wagon, cops say
sfl-intimately-involved-20120923

Naples: Man, woman busted after spotted ‘intimately involved’ on beach, cops say

But, hey, when your homeless, your privacy options are limited.

Nokomis: Couple caught having sex on picnic table in park

Man allegedly told the deputy that he knew he shouldn’t have had sex in the park but added “she really wanted it,” according to the arrest report.

Some Floridians don’t need a date, they prefer going solo when in public:

Starbucks FLAPpuccino: Woman busted for allegedly masturbating in Bradenton Starbucks

Pace: Man arrested for allegedly masturbating in plain view of neighbors

Bonita Springs: Man caught masturbating in open garage, deputies say | Video

Gainesville: Kiosk watch peddler accused of masturbating on company time

Florida Keys: Yard guy turned out to be a bad weed. Naked man accused of performing lewd act in front of elderly woman

Bonita Springs: Deputies say dude ‘hit on’ cola delivery man while masturbating at 7-Eleven. Guess you can’t beat the real thing.

With so much sex going on, apparently some folks think it’s a service provided by  local law enforcement officers.

911: Tampa man accused of requesting female deputies for sex; he got jail instead.

As usual, some folks got stung in in their pleasure pursuit.

Sex sting at beach park nets 4 arrests, including an 80-year-old | Mugs

Punta Gorda sex sting: Woman arrived at hotel with 2 men from Happy Drive for protection. One of the men was 85.

Bradenton: Stinky situation for man, who didn’t want any nookie, snared in sex sting

Brooksville: Sex text rendezvous ended with mugging, beatdown

Woman’s cousins rushed inside the bedroom, beat up the man and stole his money when they heard the magic signal — “Oh that feels so good.”

Fort Myers: Man, 83, busted in boat ramp sex sting. Guess what else sucks, senior citizen? Jail

Multiple lovers can lead to confusion.

Port St. Lucie: Olive oil during sex rubbed woman the wrong

Girlfriend asked her lover to get the olive oil from the kitchen to use as a “sexual lubricant” — and then also asked him if he had brought the PAM.

Bad karma: Pam happened to be the name of his secret lover.

Sick of all the sex in the Sunshine State?

Calm down, but please don’t follow this dude’s lead.

Port St. Lucie: Ouch! Teen shoots off his penis, testicle, cops say

It is amazing the number of men who were caught with firearm-like dildos in their butts. I do believe we have found the core constituents of the NRA. Or, maybe, it’s just a Florida thing.

Sexapalooza Video from Julie on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
contact Bill McCormick

Related posts