Idiot Apocalypse

I do my best to simplify things. There have been some thorny concepts presented up here that the average lay person was able to wrap their head around once I’d weeded out the hyper complex math and so on. The ability of some people to be able to sense four dimensions instead of the usual three? Explained. Putting a giant stamp on the “aliens exist but they’re not in our neighborhood” theory? The WOW Signal, explained. Why UFOs are a hoax or, at best, a result of a delusion? Explained to the satisfaction of a real NASA scientist. In other words, I pride myself on being able to help people understand complex concepts without demeaning their intellect or the core issues of the concept. It’s my superpower.

But, according to Jocelyn Vena of MTV, I may have met my match. She says Vinny from Jersey Shore can do that too.

Sure, we’re all just dancing till the world ends. But, “Jersey Shore” star Vinny insists that we’ll probably still be able to dance tomorrow.

While there is a lot of worry, especially from his pal Deena, that someone might be on to something when it comes to this whole Mayan Apocalypse thing, Vinny is fairly certain that when the clock strikes midnight, we’ll all be just fine.

‘Jersey Shore’ Star Vinny Calls Mayan Apocalypse A ‘Money-Making’ Scheme

“I’m just trying to stock up,” Deena told MTV News, noting that she thinks there’s a lot of evidence proving that any end of days theories floating around are true. “Not only ’cause it’s the Mayans. If it were just the Mayans thing, it wouldn’t really be bothering me, but they said all the planets are aligning. So I’m just preparing for all the power to go out, anything that might happen. I really wish I made enough money to make a bomb shelter, but that didn’t happen.”

Then, Vinny stepped in with words that seemed to calm her fears: “I can debunk everything. I’m a geek, so I kind of like know what’s going to happen.”

Vinny, whose scientific theories we can’t prove as true or false, then explained what he knows about the apocalypse and why it won’t happen.

“I’m no scientist, but pretty much this whole thing started, it was a money-making thing so that people can capitalize off it, make movies off of it and websites start to sell things like ‘prepare for it’ and things like that,” he said. (Sounds reasonable to us so far).

The “Jersey Shore” cast tells us their five-year plans!

He continued, “But there’s no scientific evidence, actually. You can’t plan the end of the world without scientific evidence. The planets, they will sort of align but they did it a couple years ago, nothing happens. They always align with each other.

“There’s no other planet coming towards us because we would actually see it, and the poles shifting, it takes like 1,000 years for the poles to reverse. It doesn’t happen overnight. And then the Mayan calendar, just like our calendar ends end of December/January 1, theirs ends and a new one begins. Just the fact that there’s a thousand different philosophies makes it not true.”

Whether or not the world does end, what will definitely be over on December 21 is the “Jersey Shore.” Tonight (December 20), the kids of Seaside will fist-pump for the last time as the show airs its series finale. Well, that kind of feels like the world ending to us.

I know this is the part where you wait for me to make fun of him, but I’m not going to do that. He is correct that people have been exploiting the fears of others to make money off this, and other, alleged disasters. May they rot in hell.

He is right that the planets aligned a while back and no one cared. Although he was off by about 1,500 years in his dating of the event.

And, while the “thousand different philosophies” line makes no sense whatsoever, I look at his target audience and cut him some slack.

Also, let’s be fair, just because he learned how to use Google and filter out the crap doesn’t mean he’s going to be teaching kids any time soon. Nevertheless, he’s doing better than most.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that if you did anything to prepare for today’s apocalypse that wasn’t part of your normal daily routine, you’re an idiot. Seriously, you’re dumber than a Jersey Shore cast member. That means you are barely functional.

And if you did anything to terrify a child, you’re criminally stupid.

Now that you know you can get the help you need.

Actress Apocalypse R-rated Trailer (NSFW) from Garo Nigoghossian on Vimeo.

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