I once knew a guy who claimed to be the world’s best Polish ninja. I had no idea what the competition for that title would be so I wisely kept my opinions to myself. My guess is that it would be similar to the quality of talent competing to be known as the Best Rapper in Utah. But you never know. There could be a few thousand Bruce Lee’s secretly living in Warsaw. However, except for his fascination with Polish ninjas he was otherwise reasonably sane. Or so I thought. One day I opened my morning paper to discover that he had attempted to use his legendary Polish ninja skill to rob a poker game. Which was being held in the home of a bounty hunter. Who had other bounty hunters as his guests. It did not go well. After that I never saw him again. Suffice it to say that the people we will meet today make my buddy appear relatively normal.
Let’s start with the lovely tale of Darren Shore, no relation to Dinah. Darren …. oh, hell, just read it.
Darren Shore was arrested shortly after allegedly shooting his 30-year-old neighbor. But it was two 5-foot alligators, a marijuana grow operation, and a stripper pole at the scene that confused cops.
Shore, of Olympia, Wash., was reportedly caught with about 15 pot plants and exotic pets at his home. Officers believe the shooting occurred there after a drug deal gone wrong, according to KING 5.
On Monday, Shore met with the victim, Ryan Lemcke, who was supposed to help him move a hot tub at the home, according to The Olympian.
Shore told investigators that Lemcke later got belligerent when Shore wouldn’t pay him in marijuana and pills for his services, the Olympian reported. When Lemcke threatened him, Shore allegedly pumped a bullet into his bicep and shot him another time in the shoulder.
Investigators said the alligators were likely there to guard the pot. But they’re legal to own in the state, so Shore will keep them, CNBC reports. Before Shore was taken away, he helped officers lure the gators into his bathroom, where he left a bathtub full of water and some chicken.
“It was one of those frier assortments, with legs and wings,” said Thurston County Sheriff’s spokesman Greg Elwin told CNBC. “The alligators seemed to like them.”
Shore maintains that the marijuana is prescribed to him and sold from a legal dispensary in Oregon for his back pain. Neighbors told KING 5 that the alleged weed grower wouldn’t harm a fly. A stripper pole erected in his home was apparently for his wife, who is an exotic dancer.
Shore faces charges of attempted homicide and was visibly upset in court on Monday. Lemcke was released from the hospital without life threatening injuries.
Do you love the fact that all the neighbors knew right away what the stripper pole was for? As for the “wouldn’t harm a fly” thing, that may be true, but his neighbor is not a fly, he’s a human being. And Shore shot him twice.
I thought pot was supposed to make you mellow? Oh well, another myth destroyed.
Let’s move on to the story of Riley Sheahan. This is the first time I have ever written about Teletubbies gone wild.
Riley Sheahan isn’t just a super prospect for the Detroit Red Wings’ organization — he also faces a “super-drunk” charge after his arrest for drunken driving in Grand Rapids, Mich.
The 20-year-old Grand Rapids Griffins player was pulled over by police on Oct. 29 after driving down the wrong side of the road clad in a purple Teletubbies costume, a character also known to TV fans and small children of the ’90s as “Tinky Winky.”
According to a police report obtained by MLive.com, Sheahan also blew a .30 at the police station after his arrest, almost four times the legal limit, and almost twice the limit needed to add a “super-drunk” charge to his current charge of driving under the influence.
Michigan’s “super-drunk” laws punish drivers charged for the first time with operating a vehicle under the influence who blow a .17 or higher — that’s more than twice the .08 limit deemed illegal for driving on Michigan roads.
“Super-drunk” convictions carry a heavy price tag. Stiff fines and other costs can approach $8,000. Plus, drivers convicted under the “super-drunk” law lose their licenses for 45 days, face longer stays in jail and have to undergo mandatory alcohol treatment.
Sheahan has also been charged with providing false information to authorities. The hockey player was carrying the Michigan driver’s license of 23-year-old Brendan Smith, his Griffins teammate and fellow Detroit Red Wings prospect, when he was arrested in downtown Grand Rapids. Sheahan was born in St. Catherines, Ontario. As a Canadian citizen, Sheahan could possibly face deportation.
According to Fox Sports, Detroit Red Wings assistant general manager Jim Nill said Sheahan is “getting help right now and will continue to get help.”
Sheahan was drafted #21 overall by the team in the 2010 NHL Entry Draft and played three years of collegiate hockey at the University of Notre Dame.
His next court date is scheduled for Dec. 13.
I have no idea where to begin with this. If you get deported for impersonating the gay Teletubby will Canada take you back? I know they are more liberal up there, but even they have limits.
Okay, moving on, the city of Dallas is all atwitter at the actions of the hip hop cop. It seems Officer Regina Smith is also known as Lucille Baller, gangster rapper to the stars.
Lucy, you’ve got some explaining to do.
Dallas Police Lt. Regina Smith, who produced a video in which she performed under the name “Lucille Baller,” has been placed on administrative leave over the song, the Dallas Morning News reported.
“Don’t push Ms. Lucy, because you won’t like the consequences,” Smith raps in the video. “Mess with me or I will shoot a [expletive], ’cause Lucille Baller, she been to hell and back.”
The song plays over a montage of photos that include Regina dressed in provocative clothing firing a gun. She is wearing a bright red wig reminiscent of 1950s TV comedian Lucille Ball.
In another video, a reality-style film titled “Broken Blues,” Smith refers to her gun as “Ms. Lucy.” In one scene, she also says, “You know what I would do to somebody who tried to take advantage of me? You see this bullet right here? I’ll stick it from the rooter to the tooter and bring it out.”
Both videos originally appeared on the website of Smith’s independent record label and music production company, Big Rush In Global Media. The site is named after her late husband, Dallas Police Senior Corporal Norman Smith, who went by the nickname “Big Russian.” He was fatally shot on the job in 2009.
Regina Smith removed the rap video from her site on Tuesday, after the Dallas Morning News and WFAA asked her for comment. She also told her supervisors about it, and she was placed on administrative leave later that day.
Smith has criticized the police department for its treatment of her following her husband’s death, CBS 11 reported.
“I have been alone in my struggle, as far as support from the department,” she told the station.
That department is now trying to find out whether or not Smith has committed any policy violations.
Dallas PD code of conduct prohibits any behavior that would lower the public’s respect for the department or an individual officer.
You know what, if this is the most offensive thing they have to deal with n Dallas, they’re doing better than the rest of the world by far. Although I’m still baffled how the death of her husband made her turn to gangster rap.
But, to find someone who defies the concept of paying attention at any level, we have to trot on down to Florida and say hi to Abraham Andres Luna. The naked convenience store bandit.
Nude is no way to go through the legal system, son.
Police say that Abraham Andres Luna, 30, sprinted naked around a golf course and crashed into a patrol car as he eluded authorities on a bizarre chase, WTSP reports.
Authorities in Tarpon Springs were alerted to a suspected streaker prancing around wearing only construction boots at the Tarpon Springs Golf Course Monday evening. Police responded, but the naked man slipped by.
Later that night, deputies gave chase to a white van driven by a still-naked Luna, but called off the pursuit when the vehicle crossed county lines.
At approximately 4:30 a.m. on Tuesday, Luna — still naked, obviously — decided to take a pit stop at a 7-Eleven in Holiday, where he allegedly punched the store clerk in the face, TBO reports.
That’s when Luna reportedly bolted from the scene, heading north in the southbound lanes of U.S. 19, according to MyFoxTampaBay. He allegedly sideswiped a police cruiser in his attempt to flee. Police say that Luna then jumped out of the van — yes, naked — and made a run for it by foot.
Police arrested Luna and presumably forced him to put some clothes on.
“A smart man would’ve stopped,” he later said, according to Bay News 9. “I thought I could get away. Who gets away from 20 cops?”
Luna faces a slew of charges, including attempted auto burglary, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery on a law enforcement officer, reckless driving, and resisting without violence.
Umm …. well ….. nope. I got nothing. There is no way to make that any funnier.
And, when he gets asked “Hey, boy, whatch ya’ll in for” I bet the hilarity will continue.