Archives for November 2012

I once knew a guy who claimed to be the world’s best Polish ninja. I had no idea what the competition for that title would be so I wisely kept my opinions to myself. My guess is that it would be similar to the quality of talent competing to be known as the Best Rapper in Utah. But you never know. There could be a few thousand Bruce Lee’s secretly living in Warsaw. However, except for his fascination with Polish ninjas he was otherwise reasonably sane. Or so I thought. One day I opened my morning paper to discover that he had attempted to use his legendary Polish ninja skill to rob a poker game. Which was being held in the home of a bounty hunter. Who had other bounty hunters as his guests. It did not go well. After that I never saw him again. Suffice it to say that the people we will meet today make my buddy appear relatively normal.

Let’s start with the lovely tale of Darren Shore, no relation to Dinah. Darren …. oh, hell, just read it.

Darren Shore was arrested shortly after allegedly shooting his 30-year-old neighbor. But it was two 5-foot alligators, a marijuana grow operation, and a stripper pole at the scene that confused cops.

Shore, of Olympia, Wash., was reportedly caught with about 15 pot plants and exotic pets at his home. Officers believe the shooting occurred there after a drug deal gone wrong, according to KING 5.

On Monday, Shore met with the victim, Ryan Lemcke, who was supposed to help him move a hot tub at the home, according to The Olympian.

Shore told investigators that Lemcke later got belligerent when Shore wouldn’t pay him in marijuana and pills for his services, the Olympian reported. When Lemcke threatened him, Shore allegedly pumped a bullet into his bicep and shot him another time in the shoulder.

Investigators said the alligators were likely there to guard the pot. But they’re legal to own in the state, so Shore will keep them, CNBC reports. Before Shore was taken away, he helped officers lure the gators into his bathroom, where he left a bathtub full of water and some chicken.

“It was one of those frier assortments, with legs and wings,” said Thurston County Sheriff’s spokesman Greg Elwin told CNBC. “The alligators seemed to like them.”

Shore maintains that the marijuana is prescribed to him and sold from a legal dispensary in Oregon for his back pain. Neighbors told KING 5 that the alleged weed grower wouldn’t harm a fly. A stripper pole erected in his home was apparently for his wife, who is an exotic dancer.

Shore faces charges of attempted homicide and was visibly upset in court on Monday. Lemcke was released from the hospital without life threatening injuries.

Do you love the fact that all the neighbors knew right away what the stripper pole was for? As for the “wouldn’t harm a fly” thing, that may be true, but his neighbor is not a fly, he’s a human being. And Shore shot him twice.

I thought pot was supposed to make you mellow? Oh well, another myth destroyed.

Let’s move on to the story of Riley Sheahan. This is the first time I have ever written about Teletubbies gone wild.

Riley Sheahan isn’t just a super prospect for the Detroit Red Wings’ organization — he also faces a “super-drunk” charge after his arrest for drunken driving in Grand Rapids, Mich.

The 20-year-old Grand Rapids Griffins player was pulled over by police on Oct. 29 after driving down the wrong side of the road clad in a purple Teletubbies costume, a character also known to TV fans and small children of the ’90s as “Tinky Winky.”

According to a police report obtained by MLive.com, Sheahan also blew a .30 at the police station after his arrest, almost four times the legal limit, and almost twice the limit needed to add a “super-drunk” charge to his current charge of driving under the influence.

Michigan’s “super-drunk” laws punish drivers charged for the first time with operating a vehicle under the influence who blow a .17 or higher — that’s more than twice the .08 limit deemed illegal for driving on Michigan roads.

“Super-drunk” convictions carry a heavy price tag. Stiff fines and other costs can approach $8,000. Plus, drivers convicted under the “super-drunk” law lose their licenses for 45 days, face longer stays in jail and have to undergo mandatory alcohol treatment.

Sheahan has also been charged with providing false information to authorities. The hockey player was carrying the Michigan driver’s license of 23-year-old Brendan Smith, his Griffins teammate and fellow Detroit Red Wings prospect, when he was arrested in downtown Grand Rapids. Sheahan was born in St. Catherines, Ontario. As a Canadian citizen, Sheahan could possibly face deportation.

According to Fox Sports, Detroit Red Wings assistant general manager Jim Nill said Sheahan is “getting help right now and will continue to get help.”

Sheahan was drafted #21 overall by the team in the 2010 NHL Entry Draft and played three years of collegiate hockey at the University of Notre Dame.

His next court date is scheduled for Dec. 13.

I have no idea where to begin with this. If you get deported for impersonating the gay Teletubby will Canada take you back? I know they are more liberal up there, but even they have limits.

Okay, moving on, the city of Dallas is all atwitter at the actions of the hip hop cop. It seems Officer Regina Smith is also known as Lucille Baller, gangster rapper to the stars.

Lucy, you’ve got some explaining to do.

Dallas Police Lt. Regina Smith, who produced a video in which she performed under the name “Lucille Baller,” has been placed on administrative leave over the song, the Dallas Morning News reported.

“Don’t push Ms. Lucy, because you won’t like the consequences,” Smith raps in the video. “Mess with me or I will shoot a [expletive], ’cause Lucille Baller, she been to hell and back.”

The song plays over a montage of photos that include Regina dressed in provocative clothing firing a gun. She is wearing a bright red wig reminiscent of 1950s TV comedian Lucille Ball.

In another video, a reality-style film titled “Broken Blues,” Smith refers to her gun as “Ms. Lucy.” In one scene, she also says, “You know what I would do to somebody who tried to take advantage of me? You see this bullet right here? I’ll stick it from the rooter to the tooter and bring it out.”

Both videos originally appeared on the website of Smith’s independent record label and music production company, Big Rush In Global Media. The site is named after her late husband, Dallas Police Senior Corporal Norman Smith, who went by the nickname “Big Russian.” He was fatally shot on the job in 2009.

Regina Smith removed the rap video from her site on Tuesday, after the Dallas Morning News and WFAA asked her for comment. She also told her supervisors about it, and she was placed on administrative leave later that day.

Smith has criticized the police department for its treatment of her following her husband’s death, CBS 11 reported.

“I have been alone in my struggle, as far as support from the department,” she told the station.

That department is now trying to find out whether or not Smith has committed any policy violations.

Dallas PD code of conduct prohibits any behavior that would lower the public’s respect for the department or an individual officer.

You know what, if this is the most offensive thing they have to deal with n Dallas, they’re doing better than the rest of the world by far. Although I’m still baffled how the death of her husband made her turn to gangster rap.

But, to find someone who defies the concept of paying attention at any level, we have to trot on down to Florida and say hi to Abraham Andres Luna. The naked convenience store bandit.

Nude is no way to go through the legal system, son.

Police say that Abraham Andres Luna, 30, sprinted naked around a golf course and crashed into a patrol car as he eluded authorities on a bizarre chase, WTSP reports.

Authorities in Tarpon Springs were alerted to a suspected streaker prancing around wearing only construction boots at the Tarpon Springs Golf Course Monday evening. Police responded, but the naked man slipped by.

Later that night, deputies gave chase to a white van driven by a still-naked Luna, but called off the pursuit when the vehicle crossed county lines.

At approximately 4:30 a.m. on Tuesday, Luna — still naked, obviously — decided to take a pit stop at a 7-Eleven in Holiday, where he allegedly punched the store clerk in the face, TBO reports.

That’s when Luna reportedly bolted from the scene, heading north in the southbound lanes of U.S. 19, according to MyFoxTampaBay. He allegedly sideswiped a police cruiser in his attempt to flee. Police say that Luna then jumped out of the van — yes, naked — and made a run for it by foot.

Police arrested Luna and presumably forced him to put some clothes on.

“A smart man would’ve stopped,” he later said, according to Bay News 9. “I thought I could get away. Who gets away from 20 cops?”

Luna faces a slew of charges, including attempted auto burglary, aggravated assault, battery, aggravated battery on a law enforcement officer, reckless driving, and resisting without violence.

Umm …. well ….. nope. I got nothing. There is no way to make that any funnier.

And, when he gets asked “Hey, boy, whatch ya’ll in for” I bet the hilarity will continue.

Dirty Deeds – Stupid People from Flying V

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We laugh and joke about states like Florida and the bizarre crimes that their citizens commit that end up being immortalized on the internet. While some are funny, like the guy who urinated on a police car, some are hyper violent. But as you read the various crime blogs in Florida you start to notice a disparity. Even though all other things might be equal – nature of the crime, lack of finances or personal legal counsel – the odds of going to jail in Florida are tilted four to one in favor of blacks. Those aren’t odds you want working in your favor, ever. According to the Sentencing Project there are 558 white people in jail (per 100,000 whites) versus 2,615 blacks (per 100,000 blacks). Those are the kind of statistics that inspire hand wringing and the occasional letter to the editor. But they also have some serious real world ramifications. The story I’m going to share today is a nice encapsulation of all that can go wrong when justice isn’t blind and impartial and just turns a blind eye to the impartiality.

Today’s story is about Bryan Castleman. He killed his wife and his father in law. I’ll let Chris Olwell from the News Herald fill in the rest.

Bryan Castleman told police he killed his wife and her father, but he didn’t know why, according to criminal complaints filed Tuesday.

He said he stabbed Mary Ann Castleman and Leroy Minnich multiple times and kept their bodies in the house, according to the complaint. A couple days later, he used his father-in-law’s bank card to buy a video game to help him keep his mind off what had happened.

From the Bay County Jail, where he’s being held without bond on two counts of open murder, Castleman declined to be interviewed Tuesday.

It’s not the first time he’s been charged with violence toward women. In 2004, he was arrested and charged with attempted sexual battery, a first-degree felony that carries a potential 30-year prison sentence, as well as false imprisonment.

He pleaded no contest in 2005 to the lesser charge of felony battery, a third-degree felony with a maximum sentence of five years. He was sentenced to probation, which he violated a couple times before he was eventually sent to the Department of Corrections for a few months last year.

Hearing of Castleman’s arrest brought back a flood of memories for Crystal Stallings. The 2004 ordeal left her scarred, she said Tuesday.

“No, I’m not surprised, ’cause like I told the police … it was something in his eyes. I could see cold. He wanted to kill me. I know it,” Stallings said of Castleman. “God was on my side because he was trying to rape and kill me for sure.”

She thinks it could have been her that was killed.

“I sure hate that he’s done this to his wife,” Stallings said. “That’s somebody could to do that to your wife.”

Early on July 10, 2004, Stallings was dropped off by her cousin in a liquor store parking lot in Panama City. As she was walking, Castleman pulled up in his car and offered her a ride.

Stallings was familiar with Castleman, she said, but she didn’t know him well and she was not eager to accept the ride, but Castleman talked her into it. He mentioned knowing members of Stallings’ extended family, older men.

“I figured it was safe enough for me to get a ride,” Stallings said.

She was wrong.

As they drove, he told her he needed to make a quick stop at his house, but when they got there he suggested she come inside because it could take a couple minutes. She didn’t notice when he locked the door behind her.

Castleman spent about 20 minutes pacing around in the back of the house while she waited in the front. She couldn’t really see what he was doing, but he was going on the whole time about his living situation. He was getting a divorce, he said, and would be moving into a smaller place. She didn’t really care.

“I really need to go,” she recalled telling him.

When she stepped in front of him and moved toward the door, Castleman smashed a bottle against the back of her head and she fell to the floor. Then he pulled off her pants and told her, in terms too crude to publish, what he had in mind.

She was bleeding heavily from a fresh head wound, but when he said he was going to rape her, she started to scream and fight. She said they fought for hours, with Castleman dragging her around the house and smothering her with pillows. At the end, he pulled a pillow off her face and held her at knifepoint, eventually asking her if she wanted to die.

She started begging. “I have children,” Stallings said.

He seemed to snap out of it, breaking down; he had a family of his own, he told her.

Castleman stopped attacking her, but he didn’t let her leave. She grabbed her pants and went to the door, but it wouldn’t open.

Castleman pointed up to the top of the door to the lock that kept her inside, and then he started bargaining. She slid to the floor of the door, which she described as the tallest door she’s ever seen. Stallings could leave, as long as she promised not to report him and she would allow him to take her where she was going. Whatever, anything, she recalled thinking.

Stallings bolted when he opened the door. A family friend lived two doors down, and she went there.

Castleman was arrested, but he left Stallings with a V-shaped scar on her head, a superficial wound comparatively.

“It screwed me up in the head,” Stallings said.

Now, let’s review. Please find the part of the story where the victim was asked to approve the lesser sentence.

It isn’t there. Victims are rarely consulted in Florida unless there’s a civil suit or outstanding related charges. Ms. Stallings basically got a chorus of “That’s The Way it Is” and then got told that justice had been done.

So, he was loose. Free to wander the streets, grab a beer and do whatever it is that free people do. Even after violating probation. And violating it again.

Now, take that same crime, pretend that Mr. Castleman is black and plug it into the numbers above. You know as well as I do that our imaginary criminal would be doing the full 30 years, not getting 5 years of probation.

Yes, this is a problem nationwide. But it is almost cartoonishly blatant in Florida.

I’ll give you another example.

It’s brief.

On Dec. 4, 2010, 21-year-old Justin Collison, was captured on a YouTube video leaving a Sanford bar, when he walked up behind an unsuspecting Ware, a homeless African American man, and punched him in the back of the head, which drove Ware’s face into a utility pole and then onto the pavement.

Sanford police questioned Collison that night and had possession of the video but did not arrest him. You see, Collison’s father is a Sanford police lieutenant and his grandfather is a former circuit judge and wealthy Florida landowner. Collison wasn’t arrested until one month later, and only after news organizations began airing the video.

And after the hue and cry died down, what was Mr. Collison’s punshment? He had to pay a fine which amounted to covering the homeless man’s medical bills.

He also agreed to seek therapy.

Now, here’s the fun part. The homeless guy had some petty warrants out. He was arrested when he got out of the hospital and put in Seminole County jail.

I don’t think I need to say any more.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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As regular readers of this blog know, the world ends on a pretty regular basis. If you’re unsure which apocalypse was your favorite, just hop over to Bible.ca for a complete list of the 242 known ones. Bible.ca is a site that stridently denounces people who use the Bible for fear mongering and hate. Anyway, I specified “known ones” since there have been select cults who have not publicized their particular apocalypses and just killed themselves when the due date rolled around. While that’s certainly polite of them, it still makes me sad. I hate to see people throw away perfectly good lives for no reason. As most of you know, the Mayan apocalypse is next up. It will be hitting town on December 21, 2012. If you’re smart you read this and got a cool party planned. I mean you get sacrificial tables, robes without underwear and strong liquor. What more do you need? But, if you’re not, you’re probably the subject of today’s blog.

We’ll start in China where a man has built an ark. That’s sad enough but, once you read about him, I’m going to make you cry. Well, once you’re done laughing, of course.

Worried about the impending 2012 “Mayan apocalypse,” a man in China has reportedly spent his life savings on the construction of his very own “Noah’s Ark.”

According to China News Service, Lu Zhenghai, from the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region in northwest China, has already spent about $160,000 on the boat. The vessel, designed by Lu himself, measures about 65 feet in length and will, when completed, weigh about 80 tons, the report states.

Lu said he began building his so-called ark in 2010 out of fear that an impending “doomsday” flood would threaten his and his family’s survival.

“I’m afraid that when the end of the world comes in 2012, flood waters will destroy my house,” Lu told the Chinese News Service, according to a HuffPost translation.

“So I took all my savings and invested in the construction of this boat,” he continued. “When the time comes, everyone can take refuge in it.”

Chinese news website FMN reports that Lu’s “ark” was built with 10 tons of timber and 60 tons of steel. Due to lack of funds, however, it has yet to be completed.

As the Daily Mail notes, experts have long been trying to convince people that the so-called Mayan apocalypse, slated to strike on Dec. 21, will not occur. Still, Lu is not alone in his survivalist struggle.

In August, the New York Daily News reported that another Chinese man had spent two years creating his own “Noah’s Ark” in the form of a sturdy, buoyant yellow ball.

Even if the apocalypse fails to take place, however, Lu still has plenty of plans for his boat. According to FMN, Lu said he hopes the vessel will attract tourists who will want to take sightseeing tours. He also said that the boat could be used as a ferry.

Did you see the part where he lives in Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region? That’s kind of the North Dakota of China. He isn’t even near a lake, let alone an ocean. If the water hits his door step he may as well just say goodbye. No boat will survive that.

Now, as far as that thing being a tourist attraction, I think he’s completely forgotten that he lives in a Communist country that discourages visitors to its rural areas. And, folks, he is in bu fu nowhere. I mean he is literally north east of Kazakhstan. Which is north of Afghanistan and no one in their right mind is taking a vacation there for a while.

Some of you might be writing this off as just another wacky Asian on the make. And, in this case, I wish you were right. But, sadly, America has its militant losers too. And because they think WalMart is for uppity folks, James Figueroa of the San Gabriel Tribune writes that they are preparing to ride out the apocalypse in mobile homes.

No, I am not making that up. And neither is he.

Inside a used RV that’s anything but recreational and loaded with survival equipment, rain has leaked through a wooden overhead bin near a light fixture.

A.B. remarks that he’ll have to get that fixed, and time is running short.

It’s now less than one month until his group’s “ready” date – December 21, 2012, when the long-predicted doomsday event based on the Mayan long-form calendar could arrive.

A Los Angeles-area survival group has actively recruited people with specific skills in the past few months, tying its disaster preparedness effort to Dec. 21.

The founder, A.B. (who asked to remain anonymous), doesn’t necessarily believe the prediction, but he’s certain that something will happen eventually.

“There’s so many different scenarios, there’s so many things that could possibly go wrong,” he said.

A member of the U.S. Armed Forces, A.B. and several others in the group have military experience that has taught them survival skills.

Preparing to survive a catastrophe has become its own culture, popularized by the cable show “Doomsday Preppers” and giving rise to the American Preppers Network, which offers tips and contacts to practice self-reliance during disasters.

When it all hits the fan – or SHTF – preppers usually have “bug-out” bags and locations ready to go, with means of survival such as food stores, water access and security measures.

There are numerous doomsday scenarios: powerful earthquakes, a super volcano at Yellowstone National Park, economic and social collapse, nuclear fallout or a solar storm that destroys satellites and electrical grids.

Few preppers rely on the Dec. 21 prediction, however. Experts on Mayan culture say that date, the winter solstice, simply marks the end of a cycle, no different than flipping the calendar to a new year after Dec. 31.

Despite assurances by NASA and others that no threat is imminent, the date has still built up its own mythos.

“I do have some members who believe, come Dec. 21, 2012, all hell is going to break loose,” A.B. said.

His survival community is large, with about 65 active members and about 150 when counting spouses, children and other loved ones.

A.B. is still willing to take in a few others, but only to fulfill specific functions, such as doctors, engineers and ham radio operators. There’s a job need list on the group website, at www.2012survival-community.org.

Other members of the community declined to be interviewed, and other groups in the Los Angeles area also declined.

Preppers often like to maintain their privacy, out of concern that outsiders might figure out their bug-out locations and overrun them.

A.B.’s group has several places picked out, within California, where there’s enough wildlife to live off the land and water sources that could be used to catch fish.

One location has a swimming pool where fish can be raised, a technique that A.B. saw on “Doomsday Preppers.” Innovation is common among preppers, and others often borrow ideas.

The hope is to survive long enough for government and society to stabilize, and A.B. even cautions members to protect against pregnancies until things return to normal.

“We hope the government will someday replenish the electricity. Once that’s accomplished, then everything else comes back online,” he said. “We all believe that life will continue, just not the way we’re used to.”

In the RV, A.B. holds up an ice cream maker.

It isn’t there for ice cream, but it’s an effective way to complete the pasteurization process for milk, which will come from two pygmy goats.

He also has five hens for eggs, several potted plants, medical supplies and a kitchen full of dry and canned food that he plans to load up before driving out of L.A.

The parts for small wind turbines are stored in the RV, along with two weather stations, a telescope and small game traps. Electricity shouldn’t be a problem, with five gas generators, two hydro-electric generators, 10 solar panels and several inverters.

There are also two 450-gallon water tanks and A.B.’s homemade water heater, plus a U-haul truck loaded with supplies.

And every week, A.B. works to acquire other goods his community might need.

Other preppers have criticized him for assembling such a large group and basing it in Los Angeles, often regarded as one of the worst places to be in a disaster.

But this is where he lives, where his family lives, and he believes there’s safety in numbers, with multiple people capable of providing 24-hour security.

A.B. has five children, three of them young adults who live apart from him, and he wants to have the resources to take care of them.

“It’s a stress on my side, I worry about my family, I worry about people I care about,” he said. “But trying to do it all, it’s an impossibility.”

His father doesn’t believe in the need for extreme disaster preparedness, and A.B. recognizes that a disaster could force him to make some difficult decisions.

“Just leaving my mom behind is something I do not want to think about,” he said.

The community itself is carefully balanced. Some applicants are rejected, with members providing input about who gets to join.

One person, a professional clown, was met with skepticism by the group because no other skills were offered. It was a tough decision, A.B. said, that never had to be made because the person didn’t respond to a questionnaire.

An astrophysicist also came with some question marks because of clashing personalities, and A.B. wound up agreeing to share some provisions as separate groups.

“I think where we’re at is a stable operation right now,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to get anything beyond 150.”

Well, A.B., should the apocalypse come and you and your 149 disciples surivive, you should know that that’s not enough people for a diverse gene pool. Especially since many are from genetically linked families now (i.e., mother, son, etc.). Your great-grandchildren will all be drooling mutants. Then again, given the nature of your followers, no one may notice.

So good luck with that.

Of course, you could set up dating sites (i.e., other trailer parks) with other “Preppers” and keep things humming along nicely. Although I am curious as to why you believe the U.S. Government will come through this without a problem and get your electric back on? That’s not, generally speaking, how apocalypses work.

So pay attention kids, that’s what xenophobic isolationism gets you, a life of inbreeding in a trailer park.

Is that what you really want?

Colt Ford – No Trash In My Trailer from Ebie McFarland

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Happy Tuesday ya’ll. As those of you who heard the radio show last Friday are aware, I’ve been fighting off a nasty cold. Today is the first day in a bit where I woke up and didn’t cough up a phlegm ball the size of my head. Yep, things are looking up. In any case I figured today would be a good day to stick to a lighter topic. Something fun and frivelous. I found a story about why people like puppies. That seemed to qualify. A nice little piece about evolution and companionship. But it was really short and required lots of video. So, as you can see, I just popped up a link for you to enjoy and looked for related stories. That was a mistake. As it turns out the human race is a very disturbed group of people. If aliens landed today their first response to humans would probably be “Oh hell no, these have got to go.” So maybe we should be grateful they haven’t arrived yet. At least not until we can do a little cleaning in the gene pool. We wouldn’t want our new neighbors being covered in moldy slime.

What am I talking about?

How about shooting dogs as performance art?

This fall has been a rough month for animals in the art world. First, we found out that British bad boy Damien Hirst killed 9,000 butterflies for a questionable installation at the Tate Modern. Then we came across Belgian artist Jan Fabre’s cat-throwing performance video, in which he, well, throws cats up a flight of stairs. This disappointing pair of artsy acts against animals got us thinking… Have artists always been this insensitive to animals’ rights?

We did some digging and found 15 instances of artists abusing or at least questionably involving animals in their artwork. From forcing ants to consume McDonald’s food in an enclosed tank to shooting a dog as art, the projects span the spectrum of slightly cringe-worthy to downright horrifying. They make us wonder, should animals be left out of art all together or is there a place for this type of transgressive work? It’s certainly difficult to justify any sort of violence against defenseless animals, but what about when an artist cooks rats for a dinner party? Can we draw a line here? Does all art have to be moral?

Does all art have to be moral? Of course not. However, neither does it need to be homicidal or sadistic. If you click on the link above there’s a slide show. It’s not for the squeamish. And, as far as I can tell, none of it is art either.

Would you like further proof that the world has gone to hell in a handbasket? Germany, the new Florida, is attempting to outlaw beastilaity and is getting blowback from people who own erotic zoos.

No, you didn’t misread that. We’re talking about places where llama love takes on a whole new, and disturbing, meaning.

It turns out “erotic zoos” are tough to ignore.

The Daily Telegraph reports that bestiality laws have been off the books in Germany since 1969, but Agriculture Minister Ilse Aigner has agreed to support a law that would make it illegal for people to “use (animals) for their own sexual activities or sexual acts of third parties.” The proposed law would also ban the “pimping” of animals to others.

The Daily Mail ties this decision to address bestiality to the recent rise of erotic zoos, where “people can visit to abuse animals ranging from llamas to goats,” the paper reports.

The proposed legislation has ruffled the feathers of zoophilia advocates such as Michael Kiok, who told the German newspaper die Tageszeitung that “mere morals have no place in law.”

The group Veterinarians Against Zoophilia told Europe Online Magazine that thousands of Germans exchange information online about sex with animals and that some farms rent out animals for sexual exploitation.

The new law would ban these so-called “animal brothels” and also make it illegal to train animals for sex with humans.

Ahem. The famous Electech Video about a petting zoo gone horribly wrong was supposed to be satire, not an ad.

So, when you get right down to it where could our hypothetical aliens find pschologically well adjusted people whose sex lives are not horror stories? Easy, visit the set of any porno.

No, I am not kidding.

Maybe all the self-loathing associated with porn emanates from those watching it on their computer screen, not those performing on it.

A new study challenges stereotypes of porn stars having poor self-images and a history of sexual abuse. The research, which is published in the latest edition of the Journal of Sex Research, suggests that porn stars have higher self-esteem, a better quality of life and body image, and are more spiritual than their non-adult entertainment counterparts.

Researchers compared the self-reports of 177 porn actresses to a sample of women matched on age, ethnicity, and marital status. Comparisons were conducted on sexual behaviors and attitudes, self-esteem, quality of life and drug use.

The study found that porn actresses were more likely to identify as bisexual and to say they enjoyed sex. They also reported having sex for the first time at a younger age, 15, than their counterparts in the control group, 17. Porn stars were no more likely to have had endured sexual abuse than those in the control group, according to the Digital Journal. The actresses did report using more drugs than the control group.

Feminist commentator Dawn Foster criticized the study for whitewashing some of the porn industry’s seedier aspects.

“It is dangerous to generalize about a huge industry: women who are successful and in control of their careers in one pocket don’t speak for women in the less scrutinized parts,” Foster told the Independent. “The study’s main objective seems to be to prove that not all women in porn are exploited: no one has argued that. But glossing over the exploitative aspects helps no one.”

The Sun reports that the actresses in the study had all been paid to work on at least one X-rated movie and ranged in age from 18 to 50. Their average career in the industry was 3.5 years.

Dawn Foster is correct about the seedier aspects. However, what she misses is the fact that the porn industry has been diligently wiping those aspects out, especially over the last decade. The thinking being, if people want home made porn, let them make it themselves. And, as anyone with access to the internet knows, people have. The porn insdustry has loftier goals.

No, that previous link isn’t even a little safe for work. Wait until you’re all alone before you click that sucker.

So there you have it. We live on a planet where porn stars are the stable ones and your neighbor shouldn’t be left alone with Fido.

Not ever.

Matta – Release The Freq from Kim Holm on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
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You’re sitting at home, reading this, wondering calmly how much dynamite it will take to rid your yard of a chipmunk. Or maybe you’re blithely wondering if strapping a jet engine to your Volvo would interfere with your insurance. Whatever it is I’m sure that you mean no harm and, in fact, when pressed later by the police, will attribute only the most benign motives to the fact that there is a crater the size of a swimming pool in your yard or that there is a Volvo stuck in brick wall 45 feet off the ground. And I will believe you because I know that you’re a mere amateur and can only harm some property whereas it’s people like Bruce Fegley, Katharina Lodders and Laura Schaefer who can get together and do some serious damage. As Jennifer Ouellette writes, they know how to blow up a planet.

One sure-fire way to grab an audience’s attention is to vaporize a planet, amirite? We saw the destruction of Vulcan in Star Trek, the end of Krypton in the Christopher Reeves-era Superman, while the Death Star vaporized Alderaan in Star Wars: A New Hope.

As for Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams went all in, vaporizing the Earth right off the bat, all because an alien race known as the Vogons want to make way for a hyperspatial express route, leaving poor Arthur to roam about the Milky Way in his bathrobe.

But can you really vaporize a planet? According to the latest computer simulations by a couple of planetary scientists in St. Louis, you betcha! As outlined in their new paper in The Astrophysical Journal, Bruce Fegley and his colleagues (Katharina Lodders and Laura Schaefer) mathematically constructed a couple of model “Super-Earths” and put them through a series of atmospheric simulations.

The object wasn’t really to study how to destroy the Earth. Fegley et al were trying to learn more about the kinds of atmospheres most likely to be found on Super-Earths — i.e., exoplanets with masses that are more than that of Earth but less than that of Neptune, while still being rocky in nature, instead of, say, a gas giant.

Having detailed knowledge of likely chemical compositions could help astronomers who hunt for such planets find them. And one way of gaining that knowledge is to build computer models of Super-Earths and vaporize them.

Most exoplanets within that size range that have been found are gaseous in nature, because they orbit so close to their host stars that any rocky stuff gets melted. (How Stuff Works has an excellent summary of the various techniques astronomers use to hunt for exoplanets.)

For instance, using photometry, astronomers can detect an exoplanet as it transits the host star, because of predictable periodic dimming of a star’s brightness as the planet momentarily blocks its light. Astronomers can also determine the chemical composition of said planet’s atmosphere because the star’s light gets filtered through that atmosphere — think of it as stellar spectroscopy.

This, in turn, provides clues as to the planet’s density, because the gases in the atmosphere likely came about because of vaporized rock. So it would be nice to have tidy simulated models to compare with the measured spectra of actual exoplanets.

One model Super-Earth had a continental crust just like our Earth, dominated by granite, while the other simulated Earth’s composition before its crust formed, when it was mostly bulk silicate. (Water is the key ingredient in getting Earth today from that precursor Earth. Without it, our planet’s crust would more closely resemble Venus.)

Then they plugged in the likely surface temperatures of observed Super-Earths, ranging from between 270 to 1700 degrees Celsius, just to see what would happen to the atmosphere. “The vapor pressure of the liquid rock increases as you heat it, just as the vapor pressure of water increases as you bring a pot to boil,” Fegley explained via press release. “Ultimately this puts all the constituents of rick into the atmosphere.”

In both models, the atmospheres would likely be mostly steam and carbon dioxide. Once the Super-Earths achieved temperatures above 760 degrees Celsius, there would also be sulfur dioxide. Think an especially steamy Venus.

And at temperatures higher than 1430 degrees Celsius, the uber-heated rock would produce silicon monoxide vapor. Even exoplanetary atmospheres have “weather,” so should a “storm front” move through at those extreme temperatures, the simulations showed that the silicon monoxide could condense and produce “pebble rain.”

Crank the temperature really, really, high, and you wouldn’t just vaporize the Earth’s crust and mantle. Theoretically, at least, you could destroy the entire planet. “You’re left with a big ball of steaming gas that’s knocking you on the head with pebbles and droplets of liquid iron,” said Fegley. “But we didn’t put that into the paper because the exoplanets the astronomers are finding are only partially vaporized.”

Or maybe they just didn’t want to give the Vogons any bright ideas.

Before we move on, I do feel the need to share some Vogon poetry with you.

See, see the deceased sky
Marvel at its big puce depths.
Tell me, Ryan do you
Wonder why the platypus ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel snarky.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your buznippity facial growth
That looks like
A mold.
What’s more, it knows
Your thrust potting shed
Smells of cough drop.
Everything under the big deceased sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm roqueforts.

I know, it brings a tear to my eye too.

But as long as we’re blowing up planets we should take a look at one of the most famous planetary explosions of all time. Yes, I am talking about Krypton. Internationally renowned astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson, was taxed with a silly thing. He was asked to see if there was a planet that could truly have been the home of Superman. So he busted out his slide rule, grabbed some galactic maps and hammered lots of coffee and, after a lot of work, said, “Okay, I found it.”

And everyone went “Wait? Really?”

And he said, “Yes, really. It’s right here.”

And damn if he wasn’t right. Mike Wall, from Space.com, has the whole story.

A prominent astrophysicist has pinned down a real location for Superman’s fictional home planet of Krypton.

Krypton is found 27.1 light-years from Earth, in the southern constellation Corvus (The Crow), says Neil deGrasse Tyson, director of the American Museum of Natural History’s Hayden Planetarium in New York City. The planet orbits the red dwarf star LHS 2520, which is cooler and smaller than our sun.

Tyson performed the celestial sleuthing at the request of DC Comics, which wanted to run a story about Superman’s search for his home planet.

The new book — Action Comics Superman #14, titled “Star Light, Star Bright” — comes out Wednesday (Nov. 7). Tyson appears within its pages, aiding the Man of Steel on his quest.

“As a native of Metropolis, I was delighted to help Superman, who has done so much for my city over all these years,” Tyson said in a statement. “And it’s clear that if he weren’t a superhero he would have made quite an astrophysicist.”

You’ll have to read “Star Light, Star Bright” to find out just how Superman and Tyson pinpoint Krypton. For amateur astronomers who want to spot the real star LHS 2520 in the night sky, here are its coordinates:

Right Ascension: 12 hours 10 minutes 5.77 seconds

Declination: -15 degrees 4 minutes 17.9 seconds

Proper Motion: 0.76 arcseconds per year, along 172.94 degrees from due north

Superman was born on Krytpon but was launched toward Earth as an infant by his father, Jor-El, just before the planet’s destruction. After touching down in Kansas, Superman was raised as Clark Kent by a farmer and his wife.

Now Superman will apparently know exactly where he came from.

“This is a major milestone in the Superman mythos that gives our super hero a place in the universe,” DC Entertainment co-publisher Dan DiDio said in a statement. “Having Neil deGrasse Tyson in the book was one thing, but by applying real-world science to this story he has forever changed Superman’s place in history. Now fans will be able to look up at the night’s sky and say, ‘That’s where Superman was born.'”

A buddy of mine has a computerized telescope and, yes, we plugged in the coordinates and, yes, you can kind of see the star. And, yes, it was cool as hell.

I’m pretty sure that back when Siegal and Shuster were refashioning the story of Jesus into a comic book it never occurred to them that there was an actual planet floating around out that that could really be the home for such a being.

Which leads to me to wonder if there is also a planet like Apokolips. That would kind of suck.

SuperSCAR/Roustan Body Paint from Roustan

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.
contact Bill McCormick

There is a restaurant, not far from my home, that was offering a Thanksgiving dinner for $8.00. Since my room mate was spending the day with his family and I had no desire to make a dinner for one I toddled over there. I figured “How bad could it be?” Just asking that question provides an answer. A gravy covered plate with alleged meat by products drowning in it arrived five minutes before my salad. Also swimming in the gravy pool was a mashed potato ball and some stuffing. Off to the side was some corn. Just to prove I was in a classy joint there was also a slice of tomato stuck in the mashed potato ball. Normally this would have caused me to complain loudly but I just wasn’t in the mood. And I’m not sure who I could have complained to anyway since the only person there, outside the cook, appeared to be my waitress and it took me four attempts to get her to get me a glass of water. Attention to detail was not her strong suit. Since the whole scene bordered on the surreal I decided to just enjoy it. I’m glad I did. I sat there and picked at my food as one misfit toy after another strolled through the door. Some made the fun assumption that the white people in the room didn’t speak Spanish. While my Spanish isn’t fluent, it was more than enough for the whimsical profanities that were getting bandied about. And I learned something about one young lady’s sexual preferences that I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want to read about on Facebook. All of which made the meal worthwhile.

As I’ve noted before, Thanksgiving is the red headed step child of holidays. It was the exclusive cause of Sarah Josepha Hale. She was the author of Mary Had a Little Lamb and a couple of anti-slavery books. She also wrote regularly for the Boston Women’s Magazine, wherein she championed the holiday. She had petitioned presidents Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce and Buchanan to no avail. When she petitioned Lincoln he was kind of busy, what with the whole War Between the States and all. Still he needed something positive to share with the nation and this was about as safe as safe could be. So he set aside the last Thursday in November for the date. Had he known then trouble that would cause later he might have just said the hell with it. Except for Mrs. Hale it isn’t like there was really anyone clamoring for the thing.

But, the end result is that we got Thanksgiving. And, since it’s here we may as well be thankful. Here at the World News Center there is one thing we are thankful for; Florida. And it turns out that I’m not alone. Huffington Post has offered up this Thanksgiving missive.

Thanksgiving is a day to reflect on the good things in life and for the staff writers at HuffPost Weird News, the thing we’re most thankful is the state of Florida.

For whatever reason, the Sunshine State has been the cure for many a slow news day. Even if things are normal in all the other 49 states (and Puerto Rico), Florida is there to provide.

Take Olawale Ayodeji Agbede, 22, of Brandon, Fla., who was arrested earlier this week for spanking a police horse on its rear.

The alleged horse spanking took place around 2 a.m. Sunday morning in Gainesville, Fla. Officials said they saw Agbede hit “Rusty” the police horse four times on its rump, Gainesville.com reported.

Agbede was arrested after a short chase and he told authorities that he hit Rusty twice because he was afraid the horse was about to knock him over. He now faces charges of striking or interfering with a police animal.

Meanwhile, officials in Jacksonville, Fla. are asking for the public’s help identifying a burglar, who has been responsible for two recent dollar store robberies, WJXT-TV reported.

In one robbery, the thrifty thief stole four cans of Axe body spray from a Dollar General outlet by smashing the front window. He used the same M.O. to steal a package of Soft Batch cookies from a Family Dollar store.

Those two bizarre crimes are just the tip of the iceberg of what has been an exceptionally fruitful week for Weird Florida fanatics.

Melissa Miller, 41, was arrested earlier this week for doing 100 mph in a 30 mph zone. She told the cops who pulled her over that she “… was letting the Lord spirit [sic] guide me,” and claimed she banged the car horn long and hard because of “the Lord telling me to do it.”

In addition, Roger Alan Henderson was arrested after he urinated on a police car. The cop who pulled him over did so by mistake, and was about to let him go, until he noticed the yellow liquid dripping off the vehicle. Then Henderson got popped for indecent exposure.

Florida became a weird news hotbed in the late 1990s, early 2000s and Florida historian Gary Mormino jokes tectonics may play a role.

“The rationale used to be that America tilted toward the west and all the nuts rolled to California,” Mormino, a history professor at the University of South Florida St. Petersburg, told AOL Weird News in 2011. “Now, perhaps, there’s been a tectonic shift and America tilts toward the southeast.”

They forgot to mention Henry Ramos who offered the new defense that wife beating was legal and all men did it. He was very surprised when the cops and, later, the judge disagreed with him.

Of course, as a native Floridian, you can see how me might get confused. Florida’s schools have consistently ranked in the bottom 25% of the nation. That’s easy to believe when you find out that they used to teach kids, as recently as 2010, that drinking bleach could prevent AIDS.

So, thank you Florida for all you give to us. You truly serve a higher purpose …. as a warning sign for civilization.

Florida Young Naturists NAKED Spring Bash 2012 from FYN on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Thanksgiving is red headed step child of holidays. It is a holiday that, in principal, celebrates all that is good and holy about humanity. In reality it is a celebration of a day that, within a century, led to the subjugation and murder of millions of people. As you can clearly see one does not blend well with the other. There is some good news though. Despite what you read on Facebook, the original Pilgrim Separatists, or whack job religious fundamentalists (depending on your point of view), did not kill the first Native Americans they met. In fact when Squanto, the liaison between the Wampanoag Indians and the Pilgrims, died he was eulogized by William Bradford, the Pilgirms’ governor, with these words, “Here Squanto fell ill of Indian fever, bleeding much at the nose, which the Indians take as a symptom of death, and within a few days he died. He begged the Governor to pray for him, that he might go to the Englishman’s God in heaven, and bequeathed several of his things to his English friends, as remembrances. His death was a great loss.” Of course part of his conversion was probably due to the fact that the Wampanoag considered him a traitor, many historians believe he was poisoned by his own people, and even went so far as to assign him a second (a/k/a assistant) for his dealings with the Pilgrims. That was, pretty much, unheard of for Indians.

While historians, those pesky people with a stick in their butt, point out that there were Thanksgiving celebrations prior to the one in Plymouth, they completely miss the point. It doesn’t matter if some Spanish soldiers survived in Florida for a while. What matters is that the Pilgrims stuck around and became an integral part of the developing nation. In fact their wildly conservative, separatist, views still underpin much of our nation’s beliefs, for good or ill.

So we look to the winter of 1621 as the beginning of Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving at Plymouth
In September 1620, a small ship called the Mayflower left Plymouth, England, carrying 102 passengers—an assortment of religious separatists seeking a new home where they could freely practice their faith and other individuals lured by the promise of prosperity and land ownership in the New World. After a treacherous and uncomfortable crossing that lasted 66 days, they dropped anchor near the tip of Cape Cod, far north of their intended destination at the mouth of the Hudson River. One month later, the Mayflower crossed Massachusetts Bay, where the Pilgrims, as they are now commonly known, began the work of establishing a village at Plymouth.

Throughout that first brutal winter, most of the colonists remained on board the ship, where they suffered from exposure, scurvy and outbreaks of contagious disease. Only half of the Mayflower’s original passengers and crew lived to see their first New England spring. In March, the remaining settlers moved ashore, where they received an astonishing visit from an Abenaki Indian who greeted them in English. Several days later, he returned with another Native American, Squanto, a member of the Pawtuxet tribe who had been kidnapped by an English sea captain and sold into slavery before escaping to London and returning to his homeland on an exploratory expedition. Squanto taught the Pilgrims, weakened by malnutrition and illness, how to cultivate corn, extract sap from maple trees, catch fish in the rivers and avoid poisonous plants. He also helped the settlers forge an alliance with the Wampanoag, a local tribe, which would endure for more than 50 years and tragically remains one of the sole examples of harmony between European colonists and Native Americans.

In November 1621, after the Pilgrims’ first corn harvest proved successful, Governor William Bradford organized a celebratory feast and invited a group of the fledgling colony’s Native American allies, including the Wampanoag chief Massasoit. Now remembered as American’s “first Thanksgiving”—although the Pilgrims themselves may not have used the term at the time—the festival lasted for three days. While no record exists of the historic banquet’s exact menu, the Pilgrim chronicler Edward Winslow wrote in his journal that Governor Bradford sent four men on a “fowling” mission in preparation for the event, and that the Wampanoag guests arrived bearing five deer. Historians have suggested that many of the dishes were likely prepared using traditional Native American spices and cooking methods. Because the Pilgrims had no oven and the Mayflower’s sugar supply had dwindled by the fall of 1621, the meal did not feature pies, cakes or other desserts, which have become a hallmark of contemporary celebrations.

I should note that wild dogs were plentiful back then. They are what Lewis and Clark would subsist on many years later.

So, obviously, the original Thanksgiving feast was different than the one you are going to see today.

Oh well, as long as we’re here, let’s take a look at how Thanksgiving changed over those early years.

The Pilgrims set ground at Plymouth Rock on December 11, 1620. Their first winter was devastating. At the beginning of the following fall, they had lost 46 of the original 102 who sailed on the Mayflower. But the harvest of 1621 was a bountiful one. And the remaining colonists decided to celebrate with a feast – including 91 natives who had helped the Pilgrims survive their first year. It is believed that the Pilgrims would not have made it through the year without the help of the natives. The feast was more of a traditional English harvest festival than a true “thanksgiving” observance. It lasted three days.

Governor William Bradford sent “four men fowling” after wild ducks and geese. It is not certain that wild turkey was part of their feast. However, it is certain that they had venison. The term “turkey” was used by the Pilgrims to mean any sort of wild fowl.

Another modern staple at almost every Thanksgiving table is pumpkin pie. But it is unlikely that the first feast included that treat. The supply of flour had been long diminished, so there was no bread or pastries of any kind. However, they did eat boiled pumpkin, and they produced a type of fried bread from their corn crop. There was also no milk, cider, potatoes, or butter. There was no domestic cattle for dairy products, and the newly-discovered potato was still considered by many Europeans to be poisonous. But the feast did include fish, berries, watercress, lobster, dried fruit, clams, venison, and plums.

This “thanksgiving” feast was not repeated the following year. Many years passed before the event was repeated. It wasn’t until June of 1676 that another Day of thanksgiving was proclaimed. On June 20 of that year the governing council of Charlestown, Massachusetts, held a meeting to determine how best to express thanks for the good fortune that had seen their community securely established. By unanimous vote they instructed Edward Rawson, the clerk, to proclaim June 29 as a day of thanksgiving. It is notable that this thanksgiving celebration probably did not include Native Americans, as the celebration was meant partly to be in recognition of the colonists’ recent victory over the “heathen natives,” (see the proclamation). By then, it had become apparent to the settlers that the natives were a hindrance to their quest for more land, so the good will they shared at the first feast had long been lost. A hundred years later, in October of 1777 all 13 colonies joined in a thanksgiving celebration. It also commemorated the patriotic victory over the British at Saratoga. But it was a one-time affair.

Yeah, a mere 55 years after that first harvest the Indians had gone from “Saviors and Protectors” to “Heathen Savages” and were fair game for being murdered by the nice people who claimed that killing savages, and anything else they could think of, was “(an) acceptable Service unto God by Jesus Christ.”

Their words, not mine.

In any case fast forward to 1863. The nation was embroiled in a very uncivil war and President Lincoln was looking for anything positive he could share with a torn country. He, like the four previous presidents, had received a letter from Sarah Josepha Hale, a writer who appeared in Boston Ladies’ Magazine, asking him to nationalize the holiday. Unlike the previous four, he did. He declared the last Thursday of November to be Thanksgiving. That went along fine until Franklin D. Roosevelt noted that some Novembers had five Thursdays, and no one did any Christmas shopping until after the holiday, so he declared that the fourth Thursday of November would be Thanksgiving, with hilarious results.

Some people claimed that the true holiday was the Republican one (Lincoln’s) and others held firm to the new proclamation and others still, Hi Texas!, claimed them both as national holidays. Finally in 1941, realizing that the country had more pressing issues, Congress declared the fourth Thursday as the national holiday and then told everyone to shut the f*** up.

Simply put, every Thanksgiving – excluding the one where Squanto and Bradford gutted some deer – has been marred by controversy and/or violence.

Which, given the historical precedents, makes perfect sense.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Sexy Pilgrim from The Sexy Pilgrim

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

There are people reading the title today and getting ready to burn me in effigy. They will say that they know of this guy, or at least know the guy who knows this guy, who is a great dad and doesn’t need a mom to help him through the day. I am sure such men exist just as I am sure that there are men who can run a five minute mile and solve quantum formulae as they do so. They exist but they are not common. I am talking about guys like Earl. You know him. He sits at the end of the bar, nurses his $1.50 Schlitz and wonders when Cutler is going to live up to the hype. He will also drain a shot in honor of Derrick Rose, discuss baseball in January and wonder aloud why there are no more high quality TV shows like Dukes of Hazard. Not that Earl’s a bad guy, he’s not, it’s just that his focus might need the occasional tweak if he is going to be responsible for kids. Guys can be great dads as long as there is someone to issue little reminders like “dirty clothes in the washing machine, dirty baby in the tub.” As you can readily tell, without intervention, men would never have clean clothes.

Oh, yeah, and bad things would happen to the baby.

The person intervening can be male, female or some combination thereof, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that there needs to be someone who takes that extra step when it comes to child care.

A simple example. When I was around 7 years old my grandfather got tasked with watching me and a couple of my cousins. He wanted to finish putting in the dog kennels. So, obviously, he gave us a bag of M-80’s and told us to go play safely so he wouldn’t get yelled at.

The fact that I am alive today is exclusively do to a neighbor lady who called my granny once she realized what we were about to do. While I thought her humorless at the time I can see now how M-80’s and gas tanks in trucks might not be a good combination.

So why are people surprised that Art Deaner almost went to jail for kidnapping when he tried to pick up his niece? It would be obvious to any guy you’d care to ask.

A man narrowly escaped abduction charges after he mistakenly picked up the wrong girl from a New Jersey school.

Courtney Durr was waiting to be picked up by her mom’s friend after school in Gloucester City, N.J., on Tuesday. At the same location, Art Deaner was supposed to pick up his friend’s daughter, Courtney Fetters.

When Deaner arrived and saw Courtney Durr, who looked vaguely like the girl he was told to pick up, he called for her to come inside his vehicle.

“I told her I was looking for Courtney,'” said Deaner. “And the young girl said her name was Courtney.”

“I got off the bus and he pulled up and he asked if there was a Courtney,” said Courtney Durr. “I said, ‘Yeah.’ My crossing guard let me go and I went with him.”

Courtney Durr knew she was being picked up by her mom’s friend so she reluctantly went inside. There was only one problem: Deaner was supposed to pick up 6-year-old Courtney Fetters, not 9-year-old Courtney Durr.

Deaner hadn’t seen Fetters in some weeks and the girl recently got a haircut so he assumed Durr was the Courtney he was looking for.

“My girlfriend called me and said, ‘Where’s Courtney?'” said Courtney Durr’s mother, Pam Durr. “I said, ‘Well she’s supposed to be at the bus stop waiting for you.’ She said, ‘She’s not here.'”

Deaner said he started to realize something wasn’t right when he talked with the girl about a recent vacation.

“He was like, ‘You weren’t with Aunt Mary in Maine?'” said Courtney Durr. “No, I would never have been in Maine.”

“I know Courtney was in Maine for two weeks,” said Deaner. “I had to turn around and take her back. I got the wrong Courtney.”

Police, however, were already on his trail. They pulled Deaner over and arrested him.

The crossing guard noticed that Durr went inside a vehicle that she didn’t normally go in. Fearing an abduction, the crossing guard recorded Deaner’s license number and alerted police. After asking him several questions, however, police say they realized it was all a mix up and didn’t file charges.

Courtney Fetters was found safe and sound while Courtney Durr was reunited with her mother.

“I forgive them!” said Pam Durr. “They didn’t know any better because they haven’t seen her in a while.”

There was also a lesson learned.

“Don’t go in someone’s car when you don’t know ’em,” said Courtney Durr.

While Deaner had trouble recognizing the right Courtney, he tells NBC10 he’ll always remember what she looks like now.

“I won’t forget,” said Deaner. “I’ll take a picture.”

Okay, let’s count the many things that were done wrong;

• (1) Courtney #1 has never been taught not to get in the car with strangers.
• (1)(a) She has never been taught a code word that an adult would use in cases like this or in an emergency.
• (2) The mom of Courtney #2 knew her daughter’s appearance had been changed but neglected to tell the guy picking her up.
• (3) Mr. Deaner (rhymes with Neener) didn’t ask one useful question of the child or himself.

A simple, “Hi, are you Courtney Fetters?” would have prevented everything.

But, as noted above, Art’s a guy. Just like Harvey Whetstone.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

After President Obama got re-elected a few fun loving people discovered that they have no sense of irony. Starting in Texas, and quickly followed by Alabama, some people demanded that they should be allowed to secede from the United States. Some of the petitions are clearly satirical. The irony, for those that are not, comes from the fact that they did not use a legal proceeding to make their case. Instead they used the free, government sponsored, blog that President Obama unveiled years ago which allows every person in the country to petition for justice. The fact that this method would not exist without President Obama is completely lost on them. So is much else, but that’s a blog for another day. Anyway, the original cry was that, should Governor Romney lose, they would flee to Australia. That was until they were informed that Australia is goverened by a sinning atheist who is living with her boy-toy and is a country that has gay marriage and free health care. Next on the list was Canada. No sinning atheist, but everything else was the same. Forced for the first time in their lives to seriously consider the world around them they flailed about for a safe place to live that would respect “their values.” My buddy, Phil Ranstrom, is a caring individual and, while he is not aligned with the secessionists politically, he still offered to help.

TO ALL THOSE WHO WISH TO SECEDE:

I’m hearing that a lot of people are threatening to leave the country because of Obama’s re-election and America’s liberal turn. They’re free to do so if they wish but there are a few things people should know before they pack their bags:

Canada, Australia, New Zealand and ALL of Europe have Universal Healthcare (aka SOCIALIZED MEDICINE!); they ALL have HIGHER taxes than the US; Evolution is taught in ALL their schools; private gun ownership is banned or heavily restricted in each; gay couples have legal recognition in all, can marry in most and will marry soon in ALL; abortion is legal in ALL; ALL are racially and ethnically diverse and, in the case of Australia, they have a leader who is an unmarried atheist woman living in sin with her boyfriend.

On the other hand, Saudi Arabia and Iran have NO taxes, and very low taxes, respectively; NEITHER allows the teaching of evolution; BOTH require prayer in schools; NEITHER allows gay rights, especially not gay marriage; NEITHER allows abortion; women in both countries know their place and don’t complain about it; everybody and his brother owns a gun; BOTH are theocracies run strictly by the laws of the old testament; and BOTH have populations with very few Black people and NO Mexicans. It’s practically paradise! Conservative Heaven on Earth!

Unfortunately even Saudi Arabia and Iran have Socialized Medicine, but hey, NOBODY’S absolutely perfect!”

He’s a giver, don’t you think?

He’s also 100% correct. A quick bit of advice before we continue here today. Take a look at who agrees with your opinions and then ask yourself if you’re comfortable spending eternity with people like that.

If that’s too much work, just stick with Matthew 7:12 and you’ll be fine.

Anyway, a great example of why the government the secessionists want won’t work here is playing out in Oklahoma. Mike Ritze, an Oklahoma lawmaker, has installed a one ton statue of the ten commandments on the state house lawn.

And the commandments are spelled wrong.

The rose-stone block reads “Sabbeth” instead of “Sabbath.”

And at its base, the tenth commandment reads, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidseruent.” It should read “maidservant.”

“It’s a simple fix,” Ritze told The Oklahoman. “Scrivener’s errors or misspellings are not uncommon with monument manufacturing.”

Ritze pushed for the installation of the Ten Commandments on the lawn of the state capitol because they represent a strong moral and religious symbol for Oklahomans, he explained.

Just FYI, yes, misspellings by scriveners are common, that’s why people proof read stuff before they unveil it in public. Of course, that requires knowing someone who can read and write.

Oh well.

What eludes people like Mr. Ritze is that the only way he seems to be able to get people to “respect his beliefs” is to completely insult the beliefs of others.

Once again, since it’s bibles he wants allow me to refer him, and all his followers, to Matthew 7:12.

But who are these people starting these petitions? What motivates them to demand such drastic action? Well, in Alabama at least, they want to see naked tits covered in suds.

Not that I can blame them, but still ….

Meet Derrick Belcher, a 45-year-old from Chunchula, Ala. Belcher is a truck driver, knife collector, “absolute Libertarian” and previously owned a topless car wash — that is, until the government shut down his business, he claims.

According to Alabama.com, Belcher is so upset with the government, he’s petitioning for Alabama to secede from the United States.

“I don’t think any one state can stand alone. But if we’ve got 20 of them, then that starts to be something,” Belcher said of the secession movement. “If you look at a map of the red states, we have all of the oil and we produce all of the food. We’re the ones that are carrying the rest of the nation.”

The Alabama native blames the federal government for shutting down his topless car wash, Euro Details, which he claims was successful for a decade in Mobile, according to Alabama.com. In 2001, Belcher was arrested and charged with obscenity. “The government ripped my business away, and now they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations,” he said.

Alabama enacted its anti-obscenity law in 1998, prohibiting private businesses and clubs from allowing breasts, genitalia and buttocks to be shown for entertainment, the Chicago Tribune previously reported. Although legislators claimed the law was instituted to stop nude dancing, “opponents argue the statute is so broad that it could be used to censor any type of entity that shows nudity,” the Tribute explained.

Belcher’s topless car wash fell under this umbrella.

So, last Friday, he started the Alabama secession petition in hopes that his state will be granted the right to secede from the Union, according to WKRG, a CBS News affiliate. Petitions to secede from the U.S. have been filed in all 50 states.

“The American people are being mistreated by the federal government and there is absolutley no reason why we shouldn’t end this treatment from the federal government,” Belcher told WKRG. “And I guess there is a part of me that is angry because my government has mistreated me year after year after year and I am fed up with it and I know there are several other people in this state and all across the country that are fed up with it as well.”

As of this writing, the Alabama secession petition had garnered 29,113 signatures on the White House’s “We The People” online petition tool. According to the petition, 25,000 signatures are required for the White House to review it.

Dear Mr. Belcher:

Love the name.

Anyway, if Alabama secedes, and takes you with it, the same local government that closed your car wash will still be in power. President Obama has never, in any way, offered legislation that would have had the chilling effect of reducing or eliminating topless car washes.

Also you should be aware that as 24/7 Wall Street, a conservative financial blog, pointed out, Alabama’s #7 on the list of the top ten states that rely on federal aid.

Alabama comes in second for the amount of spending per capita — $3,761 — on retirement and disability. The Cotton State also ranks seventh for procurement spending per capita, 78% of which was defense spending, and large parts of which also included the Department of Health and Human Services and the Department of Agriculture. Most of this procurement spending falls under the section of Department of Defense spending. Aside from Virginia and Kentucky, Alabama is the only state on this list that is in the bottom half of states for the amount of grant spending per capita. Grant spending encompasses a vast number of federal agencies and departments within each state.

Please re-read that. Should you secede 78% of your earned income would leave. There is no way the federal government keeps spending billions in your mouth breathing state and there is no way you could allow them to either since those dollars would be spent defending the very country you just seceded from.

Yes, I ended a sentence in a preposition. Trust me, that is the least of your problems.

In fact, the majority of the states where secession is being seriously touted, with no real clue what that would entail, are beholden to the US government for sending them more money than they contribute to the US economy.

That’s right Mr. Belcher, you represent a state full of welfare queens and, as an unemployed law breaker and former business owner, are one as well.

Feel free to rethink your ….. oh, who am I kidding? If you had the capability to think none of this would have come up in the first place.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

It’s a guy thing. When parents took away our toy guns we would just point our fingers and say BANG! When the traditional family dinner became too predictable a guy invented the Salad Shooter. Because nothing says healthy eating like dodging high velocity lettuce. It’s aerobics and vegetable protein all at once. And when the average American thinks of science they think of MythBusters, a show that purposely misspells its own name. And what is the specialty of MythBusters? Do they debunk UFOs or Sasquatch sightings? Of course not. They blow things up. And they blow them up real good too. And when cheerleading proved too safe smart people armed them with mini cannons. Why? Well, because nothing says fun at a sporting event like high velocity garments. And when the excitement generated about the possibility of being hospitalized by a T-shirt wore off the minds behind all things fun and wonderful, or – as I like to say, FUNDERFUL, came up with the next logical step, hot dog cannons. Because the whimsy of high velocity foods with allowable amounts of rodent droppings can never be denied. And when they go well with mustard, well it’s just a win/win for all.

But time has marched on and Americans are no longer satisfied dodging mere sausage casings. Nosiree Bob, I tell you what, they want to dodge foods that more accurately reflect the changing racial and social make up of our country. And how does one find a politically correct way to resolve that dilemma?

Regular readers will have already figured this out.

I bring you, THE TACO CANNON!

*facepalm*

This past Wednesday, the Philadelphia 76ers showed off the world’s largest “T-shirt cannon” at its NBA season opener. But you can’t eat a t-shirt. And sure, there’s also hot dog launchers (which, curiously, were pioneered in Philadelphia as well). But wouldn’t you rather have a taco?

Enter Fun Fun Fun Fest, the Austin music festival which kicks off its seventh incarnation today at Auditorium Shores. They’ve got Run DMC, Bun B, Girl in a Coma, Explosions in the Sky, and many other national and Texas bands booked for the weekend. But they’ve also got a taco cannon.

Based on the same technology that propels t-shirts, Fun Fun Fun’s tortilla weapon is a twelve-chambered, CO2 canister-powered Gatling-style ordnance that will be on the festival’s various stages at least twice a day, shooting off an assortment of tacos. Just like in a war movie, one guy fires the cannon, with two more taco soldiers on hand for re-loading.

Fun Fun Fun was already a tacocentric festival, having included a “taco locator” feature in its iPhone and Android app for the past two years. The cannon was ultimately developed in partnership with Torchy’s Tacos.

“Torchy’s did the R&D on the ammunition, we did the R&D on the artillery,” says Matt Mandrella, the marketing director for festival promoter Transmission Entertainment.

He isn’t really kidding. Before its initial unveiling at August’s Fun Fun Fun “Aqua Olympics,” the cannon went through lots of high-end testing to make sure its ammunition would both fire and not disintegrate. Picture a scene from Iron Man, except with bearded Austinites instead of Tony Stark, and shredded cheese instead of uranium.

“We spent a good solid week trying to figure out what to use, and what we needed to wrap things with,” says Mandrella. “We would just get everything from frozen burritos from the grocery store to fresh street tacos to Taco Bell and Taco Cabana. We kind of got through it at the Water Olympics, and then Torchy’s gave us some good insight—how you can shoot a taco 200 feet and it will still hold up to where you can eat it.”

A misfired taco doesn’t exactly explode (the way some hot dogs in major league ballparks have), but, says Torchy’s director of marketing and communications Brittany Neighbors Platt, “until we figured out the best wrapping method, we were shooting off many more chalupas than tacos.”

“We’d never consider an explosion a catastrophe, however,” she continues. “There’s no crying over spilled beans.”

Each chamber of the cannon is big enough for two tacos, so what ultimately worked was to wrap them together in a something sturdier than foil or paper (“something that’s not going to shred,” says Mandrella), secure the package further with rubber bands, and then wrap it up a second time in a bandana (which many people found useful on dusty Auditorium Shores last festival) or t-shirt.

“The idea is to keep the taco tight, but also treat it like a lady,” says Platt. “The cannon is a fierce piece of machinery, so swaddling the taco with a bit of extra love helps secure its successful launch.”

At the festival, there will also be some select “golden ticket”-style tacos, with backstage passes tucked into a few tortilla envelopes.

Platt delivers both a culinary judgment and a weaponry analysis when she makes the case for tacos over tube steaks.

“The taco has a a greater carrying capacity than a hot dog,” she says. “The cylindrical shape of the tortilla provides a stabilized cartridge for a more advanced trajectory. The caliber of a taco is simply superior.”

With a few dozen double-servings of hefty Torchy’s Tacos traveling 200 feet in a big crowd of music fans, one might think the festival would worry about liability, but no more so than the average sports team. (A bit of personal advice from years of covering minor league hockey: be more afraid of the people near you trying to catch the freebie flying object than the actual freebie flying object.)

Mandrella says that they’ve already found it’s not a huge concern, having also run more recent test-runs outside Torchy’s Trailer Park in Austin.

“We’ve actually had a couple of people hit in the head, and we know there’s been no pain involved,” he says. “[The victims] were more like, ‘oh man, I got hit in the head by a taco. It was great!’”

Plus, of course, they’re only soft tacos.

“No Doritos Locos tacos here,” Mandrella jokes.

I’m sure, as time goes on, that more and more foods will be delivered at ridiculous speeds. I know I can’t wait until I see a scalding hot pizza doing 90mph into a group of drunken fans.

The fun would be contagious.

Go Fight – Fuck Like a Movie Star from Go Fight on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.