Archives for October 2012

I love when people wrap garbage up in a pretty bow and pretend it’s something fun and useful. Take voter ID laws. They are designed to stop the massive amounts of voter fraud that have occurred in this country. According to one man in Indiana he knows of a nursing home where the residents are drugged and led to vote for candidates they don’t even know. How having a picture ID would stop this is never explained. Why he can’t tell authorities which nursing home is the subject oi his screed is never mentioned. It’s true and only a moron wouldn’t believe him. Of course, that’s another aspect of repackaged crap. You are in the wrong if you want to peek behind the curtain and see what’s really there. The number of individuals who have been convicted of voter fraud since 2000 is zero, by the way. Making this movement, as has been noted before, a solution in search of a problem. Thank God there’s no possible way it could be construed as racist or hate driven.

Oh, wait.

Another solution in search of a problem is trying to find out what to do with the plethora of virgins sullying up our planet. Thank God for Australian filmmaker Justin Sisely. He’s come up with a way to turn the little darlings into whores. A much more socially acceptable distinction.

Oh, and feel sorry for him for all the work he had to do to put this all together. He’s a martyr to the cause of high art.

And mad pimping.

Catarina Migliorini became a viral sensation last week, when news broke that the beautiful 20-year-old Brazilian student was auctioning off her virginity to raise money for impoverished families in her country.

Early bidding quickly topped $190,000.

But the organizer of the auction has told HuffPost Weird News that he was shocked when she told various media that she was doing it for charity. He thought it was for profit and self-promotion.

“I was surprised she said that because in all my dealings with her, she made it clear that it was a business decision for her,” Australian filmmaker Justin Sisely said in an exclusive interview.

“Now, given how big this story is in Brazil, she’s trapped. If she doesn’t give any money to charity, she’s going to look bad.”

For the last two years, Sisely has been working on “Virgins Wanted,” a documentary film that follows male and female virgins attempting to get over that particular hump, so to speak.

As part of the project’s climax, Sisely has been holding a pair of online auctions in which people can bid for the chance to deflower Migliorini, 20, or Alex Stepanov, a male.

The auction ends Oct. 15. To date the current high bid for Migliorini’s virtue is $190,000, while Stephanov has received a high offer of $1,300.

Once the auction ends and the deal is consummated, the two virgins will lose their respective virginities on a plane, Sisely said, as a way to circumvent laws against what basically amounts to mile-high prostitution.

Migliorini has added fuel to the fornication fire by offering to donate some of the money to provide housing for poor families in her native Santa Catarina, in southern Brazil.

But it may be hard to find a charity willing to take cash from a person who got it by selling her virginity to the highest bidder, according to Cleon Daskalakis, a former Boston Bruin who now runs NetRaffle.org, a company that raises money for charities on the Internet.

“This type of transaction is setting a dangerous precedent, not to mention a call for global prostitution on a one-time basis,” he told HuffPost.

“To those of us who promote professional and successful fundraising vehicles, this is a disgrace. I can’t imagine any legitimate charity would want to be associated with this type of promotion.”

Migliorini is actually the second female virgin Sisely has recruited for his film since he started work on the project.

“It’s been difficult finding girls, because anytime we cast one, their friends and family would do these interventions, tease them and get them to pull out,” Sisely said.

He admits there have been difficulties getting permission for Migliorini to enter Australia, so she is currently in Indonesia waiting for the auction to end so she can enter the next, non-virgin, stage of her life.

But first, Sisely said, Migliorini will be examined by a gynecologist to ensure the person who purchases the privilege of having sex with her is really getting what he (or she) has paid for.

“There is apparently a test that can tell if a penis has been inserted into her,” Sisely said.

Journalists like William K. Wolfrum are skeptical of the project for a variety of reasons, including the fact that the production company behind the film, Thomas Williams Productions, seems to have little more than experience doing wedding videos.

“Basically, let me wrap this up as I see it: An unheard of director is working with an unheard of producer. Two years ago, they floated out the idea of auctioning off virgins and filming the sexual encounters. Two years later, they are back and say the sex will happen by the end of the month,” he wrote on his website.

Sisely said he understands why people suspect a hoax but insists the whole project is on the up-and-up.

“I have sponsors who’ve invested lots of money in this project and wouldn’t have if it was just a hoax,” he said.

Even if it is legit, the project is very similar to others that have either been proven as hoaxes or are just plain dubious, such as Ken Tipton’s attemped “Internet Virgins” hoax of 1998, in which he claimed two virgins were going to pop their mutual cherries online.

In 2008, Natalie Dylan, claiming to be a virgin, announced that she was going to auction off her virginity online and that the act would be consummated at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada. Dylan told reporters at the time that she decided to do it in part because her older sister earned good money working as a prostitute at the Bunny Ranch, and also to change public perceptions of virginity.

Many people have denounced Dylan’s auction as a hoax, but Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel near Carson City, insists Dylan was legit.

“It didn’t work out, but she still made $250,000 out of the deal,” Hof told AOL News in 2010.

Sisely, whose prior films have included an award-winning surf film, said his project is not a hoax, but is rather a cinematic exploration about how peoples’ lives can change.

“This is about transforming life,” he said. “I’ve seen Alex change over the past two years. These people will be different afterwards. Their lives won’t be the same. Catarina is the biggest story in Brazil right now. Where will she go after this?”

So here’s what we know; some rich farts, all of whom look like this, are willing to pay around a quarter of a million dollars to pork your daughter. An amount she will burn through in a couple of years before she realizes that, after that first check clears, no one will pay her more than $20 for a blow job.

By the way Mr. Sisely, that thing that doctors look for to see if she’s really a virgin is called a hymen. Allegedly you’ve spent two years setting this up so I’m sure there was a memo.

And, when all this is said and done, what kind of life can the young lady lead as an admitted whore with no skills? She can be the next contender on BOXING OCTOMOM!

Then her mom will truly be proud.

Andru Chrisst- How to get girls naked Step 1 from Girl Friday on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

It’s been a rough week. By the time you read this the Obama / Romney debates will have happened, 13 more parodies of Gangam Style will have ben released and one, at least, will feature someone naked claiming to be an artist in their own right. Don’t let them confuse you. They will be wrong. Your email will have been filled, yet again, with emails loudly proclaiming that President Obama is a Muslim terrorist (with one or more words spelled wrong) or that Governor Romney is a robotic unicorn (with one or more words spelled wrong). Of course sane people know that neither is true and that world peace will come from Muslim unicorns and Armageddon will come via robot terrorists. The Internet confuses people. And, just as Aristophanes once famously said, “It must be true if you read t on the Internet” there are websites devoted to making you think you’re right. He just neglected to include the sarcasm smiley so people would know he was kidding. Such a kidder that Aristophanes.

Anyway, you’ve been through a lot. It’s my job, from time to time, to lighten your mood. So I did some research to find out what people really want out of the greatest source of raw data ever conceived. Is it texts related to religious history? Is it fact finding to see what foods are healthy for their children? Maybe people are looking for alternatives to traditional vacation plans and are searching out international penis festivals. Or were people clamoring for ways to use the word “Bootylicious” when referring to disease spreading flies. Nope. None of that crap. What people want is pictures of cats. And then, once those are exhausted, they want more pictures of cats.

People are shallow and dumb.

But, people read my blog so that means, once in a while, I need to write something they like or will care about. So, today, I give you dead cats.

We start with a kitty named Ni Hao who stowed away on board a Chinese freighter and went without food or water for three weeks.

Here is the law of threes that any doctor can tell you about;

YOU WILL DIE AFTER:
3 minutes without air
3 days without water
3 weeks without food
3 months without sex

Now that you know that, let’s read about the dead cat from China.

A stowaway kitten who survived a three-week ocean voyage from China to California trapped in a storage container without food or water has found a new home.

Los Angeles County animal control officials said Friday that the cat, which has been named Ni Hao (NEE’ how) or “hello” in Chinese, will leave the animal hospital he’s called home since turning up in the U.S. last month to start life next week with a family in the LA suburb of Redondo Beach.

The family has not been further identified, but officials say it was chosen from more than 80 serious candidates who applied to adopt the stowaway.

The now 5-month-old kitten was found July 11.

It couldn’t walk, see, or make any sounds.

An officer said the kitten had shallow breathing and was “curled up in a ball with his eyes shut,” said animal control official Aaron Reyes.

“And he actually appeared deceased,” he added said.

The cat was rushed to a care center where veterinarians say he has thrived.

The only lingering sign of trauma is a limp, which Reyes describes as “his own strut.”

The kitten suffered considerable muscle atrophy on the journey, causing him to walk with a ginger, unusual gait, Reyes said.

Ni Hao is “still a bit wobbly” and “may end up being a special needs kitty for life,” said Reyes, deputy director of the county’s animal control department.

But, Reyes said, “he’s gone from this shriveled up little kitten with shallow breathing and knocking on death’s door to this curious, playful, bouncy, affectionate, patient, little furry kitty.”

Ni Hao created a media buzz while at the center. Dozens of news outlets from all over the globe have visited. At one time, there were so many requests, the shelter set up a media day to handle them all.

County shelter workers have a couple of theories to explain how Ni Hao survived, Reyes said. They think he ate or drank something just before wandering into the container, he said, or “he is so young his resilience is off the charts.”

Do they have to use Mao to Mao resuscitation to save a Chinese cat?

Oh, read a book damnit.

Moving on, not all of our dead cats today are sneaky foreigners attempting to circumvent our sacred borders so they can live off our free, God given, kibble and never pay taxes. No, some are from Ohio. Which is kind of the same but Ohio is the home of Devo and not the bizarre hairless monkey people. Use the links if you’re not sure which is which.

An Ohio woman says the pet cat that sneaked into her luggage for a flight to Florida has returned home safely and seems relatively unaffected by his surprise vacation in Orlando.

Ethel Maze tells The Circleville Herald (http://bit.ly/RmaZfy ) that Bob-Bob the stowaway spent 10 hours in a suitcase before she opened it last week. She says he was lethargic and wet from perspiration, and she initially thought he’d died.

Eventually he perked up, and he spent the week in a crate at Maze’s hotel. He rode in a carrier near Maze’s seat for the return flight.

Somehow the cat had made it through screening at Port Columbus International Airport. The man who handled the bags for Maze’s group told reporters he thought he saw the bag move but loaded it anyway.

The TSA just keeps getting better and better doesn’t it? We might be better off if we were defended by the hairless monkey people,

“Hey Bobby Jo, is it okay if the luggage is squirming?”

“Heck yeah, TJ. Why not? Umm, what’s ‘squirming’ mean?”

But some cats did not need to bypass billions of dollars worth of high tech security to seek the afterlife. No, sometimes all they need is an uptown girl and a Volvo.

A woman says a 6-week-old kitten hitched a ride on the outside of her vehicle as she drove about 100 miles over upstate New York roads.

Stacey Pulsifer tells the Press-Republican of Plattsburgh (http://bit.ly/Q4LJeX ) that she recently drove from her home in Plattsburgh to Elizabethtown in the Adirondacks, then back to her apartment. Along the way she stopped for coffee and heard meowing coming from her Jeep.

She asked two friends to help her search the vehicle. They finally found the kitten wedged behind a bumper and had to cut it free.

Pulsifer has since adopted the hitchhiker and named it Pumpkin. She estimates the lucky black cat was lodged in the car for about 22 hours and traveled some 100 miles. She suffered a broken paw during the ride.

AWWWW.

Okay, so all our dead cats today ended up living. Sorry about that.

But, what if you do have a dead cat? What to do? One U.S. company suggests cat jerky.

Welcome to Kitty Beef, your online Premium Cat Meat Supermarket, where you can order your meat, and have it delivered in vacuum sealed freshness directly to your door. We provide top quality meat and stand by all our products.

For the last 9 years Puppy Beef has been the world’s leading dog meat distributor. We now have 4 free range cat farms supplying the world’s most premium grade cat meat to over 10 countries and bring you KittyBeef. We have established a reputation for having only the highest quality cat meat products and dedicated customer service representatives. Because we only cater to a select group of people, we try to keep a close relationship with all of our customers.

This allows us to help you get the best quality cat meat for your budget, and ship it right to your front door. And after 9 years of business, you can now access our products and services online!

If you”re more of a DIY sort, you can always hop up to How to Cook Cats for some easy to follow recipes.

One of those last two links is meant to be funny. The other is 100% real.

Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs from Julie Jackson on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I have written about bouncing eggs that can make men sterile (Thanks China!) and bouncing tomatoes that scare the heck out of me and so on. And I have noted that man’s track record when he plays in the fields of the Lord is abysmal. In fact, way back in February of 2011 the nice people at Farm Aid pointed out that genetically modified foods presented real, and traceable, dangers to humans. I should point out that Farm Aid is made up of farmers, those people we keep getting told love genetically modified foods because they make their lives, and our world, so much better. Monsantos’ slogan of “preserving more, conserving more, improving lives” (punctuation theirs) nicely sums up the basic take on this in the media. This kind of promotion becomes difficult to refute when French scientists use lies and distortions to try and scare the hell out of everyone. They claimed that rats fed Monsanto’s corn developed massive tumors. They neglected to point out that they exclusively fed the corn to rats who were designed to get tumors in the first place (for another type of cancer study). They also kind of, sort of, forgot to point out that in human terms you would need to eat about 50 pounds of genetically modified corn per day to come close to replicating the results, and then only if you were prone to tumors. There is a great, if lengthy, article at WebMD that takes a failry balanced look at genetically modifed foods and carefully points out its pros and cons.

More cons than pros, but that’s not shocking.

I should note that science has long known that Einstein was right; for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This applies to everything. Farm Aid has a great example.

Take alfalfa, which is pollinated by bees. Bees can generally cover a five-mile range as they buzz from plant to plant, collecting and spreading pollen. Since bees don’t tend to observe property lines or fences, GE alfalfa pollen could, for example, be spread to and pollinate a non-GE alfalfa plant, in turn contaminating a neighboring field with GE genes.

This cross-fertilization would be especially disastrous for organic farmers. If organic fields are contaminated, an organic farmer’s certification is at risk, since the use of GE crops is prohibited under the organic label. Losing organic certification would mean his or her goods can no longer be sold for the premium price that helps cover the higher costs of growing organically. Organic livestock farmers would face similar consequences if their cattle consumed contaminated alfalfa, and the organic industry as a whole could suffer from severe supply problems if organic alfalfa can’t be maintained with integrity. Canada’s organic canola industry suffered this fate, and is virtually extinct due to contamination from GE canola

And, gosh kids, isn’t it fun to remember that I just wrote about the death of civilization due to the extinction of bees? Not that there’s anything important to see there or anything like that.

But now NBC news is reporting that genetically modified foods are spawning genetically modified weeds which refuse to die. Which means farmers are, legally or not, using modified pesticides to try and kill these freaks of Franken-nature.

U.S. farmers are using more hazardous pesticides to fight weeds and insects due largely to heavy adoption of genetically modified crop technologies that are sparking a rise of “superweeds” and hard-to-kill insects, according to a newly released study.

Genetically engineered crops have led to a 404 million pounds increase in overall pesticide use by from the time they were introduced in 1996 through 2011, according to the report by Charles Benbrook, a research professor at the Center for Sustaining Agriculture and Natural Resources at Washington State University.

Of that total, herbicide use increased over the 16-year period by 527 million pounds while insecticide use decreased by 123 million pounds.

Benbrook’s paper — published in the peer-reviewed journal Environmental Sciences Europe over the weekend and announced on Monday — undermines the value of both herbicide-tolerant crops and insect-protected crops, which were aimed at making it easier for farmers to kill weeds in their fields and protect crops from harmful pests, said Benbrook.

‘Major problem’

Herbicide-tolerant crops were the first genetically modified crops introduced to world, rolled out by Monsanto Co. in 1996, first in “Roundup Ready” soybeans and then in corn, cotton and other crops. Roundup Ready crops are engineered through transgenic modification to tolerate dousings of Monsanto’s Roundup herbicide.

The crops were a hit with farmers who found they could easily kill weed populations without damaging their crops. But in recent years, more than two dozen weed species have become resistant to Roundup’s chief ingredient glyphosate, causing farmers to use increasing amounts both of glyphosate and other weed-killing chemicals to try to control the so-called “superweeds.”

“Resistant weeds have become a major problem for many farmers reliant on GE crops, and are now driving up the volume of herbicide needed each year by about 25 percent,” Benbrook said.

Could genetically modified seeds be a drought solution?

Monsanto officials had no immediate comment.

“We’re looking at this. Our experts haven’t been able to access the supporting data as yet,” said Monsanto spokesman Thomas Helscher.

Benbrook said the annual increase in the herbicides required to deal with tougher-to-control weeds on cropland planted to genetically modified crops has grown from 1.5 million pounds in 1999 to about 90 million pounds in 2011.

Similarly, the introduction of genetically modified “Bt” corn and cotton crops engineered to be toxic to certain insects is triggering the rise of insects resistant to the crop toxin, according to Benbrook.

‘Best year ever’ for some farmers outside drought region

Insecticide use did drop substantially – 28 percent from 1996 to 2011 – but is now on the rise, he said.

“The relatively recent emergence and spread of insect populations resistant to the Bt toxins expressed in Bt corn and cotton has started to increase insecticide use, and will continue to do so,” he said.

Herbicide-tolerant and Bt-transgenic crops now dominate U.S. agriculture, accounting for about one in every two acres of harvested cropland, and around 95 percent of soybean and cotton acres, and over 85 percent of corn acres.

“Things are getting worse, fast,” said Benbrook in an interview. “In order to deal with rapidly spreading resistant weeds, farmers are being forced to expand use of older, higher-risk herbicides. To stop corn and cotton insects from developing resistance to Bt, farmers planting Bt crops are being asked to spray the insecticides that Bt corn and cotton were designed to displace.”

Okay, follow along; the genetically modified plants did not all end up in food. Some end up as fertilizer for the ground where they grew up. Storm damage or a million other reasons cause them to get plowed back into the ground where their genetically modified cells mix with old fashioned regular cells to create some sort of third kind of cell that no one knows what to do with. And those third kind of cells create weeds and plants that can’t be killed and insects that appear to be super bugs.

Oh, and yes, Monsanto knew that would happen. They just considered it a justifiable risk. Like sky diving without a parachute. 99% of the trip is fine, it’s only that 1% stop with the ground that causes problems. Therefor skydiving without a parachute is safe 99% of the time.

Yes, that’s how they think.

And, yes, you should remember that. It will help you make sense of the crap you read.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.