Archives for October 2012

People honor their dead in many different ways. They hold memorials on the date someone special passed away. Those memorials often become more a balm for the living than anything else, but there is nothing wrong with that. In Mexico they celebrate Dia de los Muertos also known as Day of the Dead. Simply put it is a celebration of anyone you knew who died. A small shrine is set up with cakes and candies and food and, in the case of people who would hang out with me, tequila. In this ritual the dead aren’t just remembered, they’re invited to dinner. In China the shi ceremony takes that a bit further and has a person become inhabited by the spirit of a dead relative and then proceed to eat and drink on their behalf. There are countless others and we could spend weeks just discussing the innumerable ways humans venerate thier ancestors. But let’s cut right to the chase and select the one ritual that has been growing in popularity since the 1980s. The kind of tradition that could put thousands of honest Americans to work this weekend if we took to it. The kind of tradition that will elicit a face palm when I tell you about it. It’s so obvious and yet so missed.

Obviously, I’m talking about strippers for funerals.

No, really, that’s what I’m talking about.

The Huffington Post reports that more and more Taiwanese families are opting not for flowers, but for the deflowered.

If you will.

In many Eastern countries, paying respects to the dead with earthly gifts — like food and money — is not an uncommon practice. But in Taiwan, some have taken ancestor worship to sexier heights, as strippers pole dance and peel off their clothes for the benefit of the deceased.

According to an AFP report released Tuesday, pole dances and stripteases are commonly performed at religious festivals in some areas in Taiwan in order to “appease the wandering spirits.”

In some cases, women dressed in tiny miniskirts and revealing brassieres shimmy and shake on stage in front an audience of men, women and children.

However, though this may seem bizarre to some, it is neither a new nor terribly unorthodox practice — at least as far as Taiwan goes.

In 2011, anthropologist Marc L. Moskowitz featured this practice in a documentary entitled “Dancing for the Dead: Funeral Strippers in Taiwan.”

A synopsis of the film states:

Funeral strippers work on Electric Flower Cars (EFC) which are trucks that have been converted to moving stages so that women can perform as the vehicles follow along with funerals or religious processions. EFC came to Taiwan’s public attention in 1980 when newspapers began covering the phenomenon of stripping at funerals.

There is a great deal of debate about whether this should be allowed to continue. In Taipei, Taiwan’s capital, one often hears middle and upper class men complain about the harmful effects of this rural practice on public morality. In contrast, people in the industry see themselves as talented performers and fans of the practice say that it makes events more exciting.

“It’s not at all common for urbanites, but in rural settings, most people have seen these performances,” Moskowitz told io9.com last year.

Moskowitz added that “actual full stripping has gone underground because there were laws enacted against full nudity” in the 1980s. Nonetheless, the documentarian noted that “almost everyone” he had spoken to for his film had said they had seen “full stripping.”

The AFP writes that though some local critics have dismissed the practice, others say that it is a “traditional folk culture lacking in the sharp separation of sex and religion often seen in other parts of the world.”

“The groups attract crowds to our events and they perform for the gods and the spirits to seek blessings,” Chen Chung-hsien, an official at Wu Fu Temple, a Taoist landmark in north Taiwan’s Taoyuan county, told AFP. “They have become part of our religion and folk culture.”
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Moskowitz told io9.com that though an “American’s first reaction” may be “laughter or outrage,” he too has come to appreciate the practice.

“As I watched these performances I came to appreciate the idea of celebrating someone’s life to help assuage the feelings of grief,” he said, according to the website.

See? It’s to help us assuage our feelings of grief, not to ogle jiggly boobs. Here at the World News Center we’ve been to four funerals this year. Everyone of them would have been better served by having a few strippers.

And, fortunately, this would seem to pose no logistical problems for mortuaries. Just read this next story and tell me if you find any reason for funeral directors to object to strippers.

A German court has ordered a dominatrix to pay 200 euros ($260) to a local charity as a penance after a client accused her of hurting and robbing him.

Cologne district court spokesman Dirk Esser said the plaintiff had accused the woman he hired for sex last month of holding a kitchen knife to his throat before demanding his debit card and PIN number.

The plaintiff, a 49-year-old undertaker, also said the woman had detained him against his will for five hours.

The court decided that it was impossible to know for sure what really happened because both parties had consumed too much cocaine during their encounter.

It dropped the charges but ordered the prostitute to pay the “penance money” to a charity that supports crime victims.

The 35-year-old mother of four has been in pre-trial custody for the past five weeks, but declined to be compensated for time spent in jail, Esser said.

The dominatrix denied keeping the man against his will, adding that he had also asked if a transsexual colleague could join them.

**sniff** The memories this brings back.

Blow, booze, broads and a funeral home. The tranny’s just a perk.

How many nights have you spent in just the same way?

I know, I know, the same here, far too many to count.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

I have written on a few occasions about how it took Florida four tries to pass a law outlawing bestiality. We all had a good laugh at the time when they outlawed all sex between mammals until they found out that humans are mammals too. But, eventually, they got it right and it is now illegal in Florida to frolic with a filly in a flirtatious manner. Naturally, becasue this is Florida we’re talking about, someone is upset at the government’s intrusion into their private life. It should be noted that said “private life” was witnessed by several people who called the cops. And the man who owned the farm had no qualms about firing this person for enjoying his “private life” with the company’s critters. So, there is hope for Florida. Yet, somehow, Floridians seem unable to grasp some basic concepts. Earlier this week a dude died in a parking lot after eating hundreds of live cockroaches and worms. Why did he do that? To win an expensive snake, which he couldn’t afford otherwise. So it would probably end up in the swamps with the other snakes which are multiplying at a rate that makes me think that Florida is ground zero for Armageddon.

But one animal law that Florida has had on the books for decades finally got put to the test. While you may have been allowed to do the horizontal mambo with a moo moo, you have never been allowed to ride a matinee.

Kids, have your parents explain the word “priorities” to you. It will be fun.

A woman who police said was seen touching and riding a manatee in Fort De Soto Park in Pinellas, Fla., over the weekend turned herself in to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office, Tampa Bay Times reported.

Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez, 52, told police Tuesday that she wasn’t aware what she did was against the law, the report said.

Witnesses gave authorities her description and photos of her riding the sea cow, which is a second-degree misdemeanor. She was seen riding the manatee at 1 p.m. Sunday in the water north of Gulf Pier, authorities said.

Gutierrez was not arrested or charged, but the charges were referred to the state attorney’s office, according to the Times.

The Florida Manatee Sanctuary Acts states that: “It is unlawful for any person at any time, by any means, or in any manner intentionally or negligently to annoy, molest, harass, or disturb or attempt to molest, harass, or disturb any manatee.”

Authorities say the penalty for the woman could be up to 60 days in jail and a possible fine of $500.

Authorities don’t believe any manatees were injured.

“It’s a wild animal. It’s not something to be ridden,” Susan Butler, a manatee expert with the U.S. Geological Survey in Gainesville, told the Times. “I can’t say that as a biologist I would ever, ever condone that, or say that (the manatee) wanted them to do that.”

Here’s where we find out about statutes of limitations and extradition laws. When I was a kid I would visit relatives in Florida and we rode manatees all the time. They’re friendly and, as long as you don’t startle them, reasonably safe to be around. Also, they tend to live in and around harbors so they are pretty used to people.

Not that I want to advoacte anyone trying for a Humanatee hybrid, but swimming around them seems fine.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the law. It was designed to keep yahoos from harming these gentle beasts. People used to deliberately hit them with their boats and leave horrible gashes on their flesh which would, sometimes, kill them.

The manatees, not the yahoos. Sadly.

Anyway, the law, like most laws in Florida, is poorly written and erratically enforced. I doubt that anything will happen to the fun loving lady.

But up in the land of super strip clubs and pawn shops, they have a different problem with an animal whose name starts with “m.”

That’s right, the Mysterious Monkey of Mongo Mongo (actually, Tampa Bay) has decided to attack the local residents.

Well, one of them anyway.

A woman who fended off an attack by a celebrity simian known as the ‘Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay’ was recovering from her injuries on Wednesday as authorities searched for the wild animal, Florida wildlife officials said.

The woman, who said she didn’t want her name to be released, was reportedly sitting on her front porch on Monday when the monkey jumped on her back and began scratching and gnawing on her skin. She reached behind, grabbed the monkey’s leg and tossed him in to the bushes before he ran off, Gary Morse, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission told the Tampa Bay Times.

“She could hear the clicking of teeth,” the woman’s daughter told the newspaper, who said she was inside cooking when she heard her mother scream.

The woman suffered several puncture wounds and scratches and was taken to the hospital, where doctors gave her shots to prevent infections.

The monkey, which has gained notoriety in recent years after numerous sightings throughout the area, is a 40-pound wild rhesus macaque, which officials believe may have been cast out of a colony in Silver Springs near Ocala, Fla.

Officials in the area were attempting to track and trap the monkey Wednesday morning. Morse said they will try to trap the monkey alive, but given the attack it’s possible that trappers will have to kill it, he said.

Residents say the monkey has never been aggressive until now, the Times reported.

Officials said in the past year, the monkey has settled quietly into the area where residents have given him food despite warnings from authorities about coming into contact with the animal.

“The public was warned about the dangers of feeding this animal,” Morse told the Times. “It is a shame that it has come to this. Human kindness and food cannot overcome millions of years of genetic evolution.”

The monkey has become something of a celebrity, the Tampa Bay Times reported. A Facebook page for the mystery monkey has been featured on Comedy Central’s “Colbert Report” and in a National Geographic special.

Officials are asking anyone who sees the monkey to stay away and call police immediately.

Forget the monkey, here’s where I call BULL***T.

• (1) Monkeys, pound for pound, are four times stronger than humans. If it has you in its grasp you aren’t just going to grab the monkey’s leg and toss it in the bushes.
• (2) monkeys that are used to humans only attack for four reasons

(a) They are provoked
(b) they are insane (this does happen often enough to make it a concern)
(c) If they are teased with strong smells or shiny objects
(d) If they see food

None of the above seem to apply to her story. Just a sittin’ & a grinnin’ won’t set a monkey off. If this woman was really attacked by a monkey she wouldn’t have minor scratches, she’d be hooked up to tubes while doctors grew her new skin.

What probably happened was she was a sittin’ & a grinnin’ on her porch a=waving some food at the poor little dude and he got tangled up. He would be easy to disengage then since he would want off just as much as she wanted him off.

Of course, I’m looking for logic and facts in Florida.

That monkey’s doomed.

WeWereMonkeys: Land of Talk – It’s Okay from WeWereMonkeys on Vimeo.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Let’s pretend for a minute that you got a job. I know, I know, you’re really out on the streets selling your blood for food, but this is just pretend. Kind of like playing doctor but you get to keep your pants on. Unless you don’t want to. We’re not that formal around here. Anyway, congratulations, you’ve gotten a job. And this job only requires you to do one thing. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, count to ten. That’s it. That’s your job. Keep the numbers one through ten in their traditional, linear, order. If you can handle that you get a nice paycheck every week. There are other companies that count one through five and so on, but you’re working for the best company of them all. It has an international reputation of being the #1 company in the world when it comes to counting from one through ten. So imagine your surprise, and possible feelings of abject horror, when you meet your boss and he/she tells you that numbers are a lie perpetrated by the evil mole people and that any sane person, by their definition, understands that the Bleen Chronology is the only way to count.

“Wait a minute,” you say, “you had me going there for a minute. Obviously the person in charge of counting from one through ten would know that numbers are accepted manifestations used to represent solid facts.”

So you would think.

And you would be wrong.

Painfully and horribly wrong.

One of the people in charge of the U.S. Science Committee doesn’t believe in science.

No, I am not making this up.

Georgia Congressman Paul Broun came into the national spotlight because of various comments he made that included claiming evolution is a “lie straight from the pit of hell.”

As it happens Congressman Paul Broun sits on the Congressional Science, Space, and Technology committee. Many across the nation are crying foul claiming that Broun’s religious beliefs put him directly at odds with scientific matters that are of national importance. Broun said this during a speech earlier in the year:

I don’t believe that the Earth’s but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says.

One wonders how a man who disbelieves modern scientific study was able to get a seat on a committee that holds the purse strings to billions of dollars annually in scientific projects. The Science, Space, and Technology committee was created in 1957 and has since played an integral part of the space race, the creation of the National Weather Service, while also having ties to atomic readiness programs among countless others.

According to the committee’s official website they also have a “special oversight” function of:

providing for exclusive responsibility among all Congressional Standing Committees to review and study, on a continuing basis, all laws, programs and government activities involving Federal non-military research and development.

Consider the context. Every single program that is scientific but non-military related has to be voted on by a man who believes that all knowledge gained about modern scientific study, including archeology, is a hoax. For Broun’s beliefs to be true, the very people whom he holds power over would have to be engaged in a world-wide conspiracy to defraud.

It will shock no one to learn that he shares a seat on that committee with Todd Aiken. Yes, the man of “legitimate rape” fame. For the record, Mr. Aiken wasn’t too far from the truth. If you’re measuring in light years. Ducks vaginae can reject unwanted intrusions. And you could easily see how, after years of thinking Donald and Daisy were real people, he could get confused. I guess we should all thank God he doesn’t make the same mistake about men. If he thought men had ballistic penises like Muscovy ducks, things could get very complicated.

And messy.

Internationally famous D.J., and all around nice guy, Andy Moy hipped me to this next bit of insanity. Not to be outdone, and in need of some face time on CNN, Arkansas Sate Rep Loy Mauch held a news conference wanting to know why slavery was illegal.

Arkansas state representative Loy Mauch has become the second Republican legislator in the state to claim that slavery may have actually been a good thing. Mauch, whose colleague Jon Hubbard, claimed that slavery was “a blessing in disguise” for African Americans, was outed by the Arkansas Times for pro-slavery, pro-Confederacy letters to the editor he has written over the past 10 years.

The letters were sent to the Democrat-Gazette, and show Mauch defending slavery, repeatedly suggesting that Jesus would have condoned, reports Think Progress. An excerpt of one letter reads:

“If slavery were so God-awful, why didn’t Jesus or Paul condemn it, why was it in the Constitution and why wasn’t there a war before 1861? The South has always stood by the Constitution and limited government. When one attacks the Confederate Battle Flag, he is certainly denouncing these principles of government as well as Christianity.”

Along with his comments about slavery and the Confederate flag, Loy Mauch also states that Abraham Lincoln was a Marxist “war criminal.” Gawker notes that the Arkansas state representative also wrote:

“Nowhere in the Holy Bible have I found a word of condemnation for the operation of slavery, Old or New Testament. If slavery was so bad, why didn’t Jesus, Paul or the prophets say something? This country already lionizes Wehrmacht leaders. They go by the names of Lincoln, Grant, Sherman, Sheridan, Custer, etc. These Marxists not only destroyed the Constitution they were sworn to uphold, but apostatized the word of God. Either these depraved infidels or the Constitution and Scriptures are in error. I’m more persuaded by the word of God.”

NECN reports that Arkansas’ State Republican Party announced on Monday that they will no longer financially support the three candidates whose writings have come under fire for racial charges. The candidates are Mauch, Hubbard, and House candidate Charlie Fuqua, who believes that the death penalty should be used for rebellious children.

The Party’s Chairman Doyle Webb stated that they would no longer financially support either of the three candidates, though he stopped short of asking them to pull out of their races. US Representative Tim Griffin also stated:

“I read a sample of Rep. Mauch’s statements, and they range from outrageous to historically inaccurate and anachronistic to downright odd. As we all know, both parties have folks that say ridiculous things, but I would not have financially supported Mauch had I known about these statements.”

Ah yes, all three of the dudes named in the article are from Arkansas, in case you want to know why you should never stop your car there. Rep. Jon Hubbard called slavery a blessing and said nice things about John Wilkes Booth.

These are some of the leaders of the free world ladies and gentlemen.

I should note that Benton County Republican Party Chairman Mike Sevak has made it clear that comments like the above aren’t really a problem in Arkansas and he expects all three men to be easily re-elected.

For the record, the majority of Arkansas’ republican party politicians want nothing to do with the nutcases. So, there is still hope.

As to Rep. Mauch’s comments about the Bible, I suggest he pop open his unread copy again. Jesus led by example. He had women in his ministry, which no one did back then. He had apostles from all walks of life with Him. Since slavery was legal back then, and a fact of everyday life, had He approved of the practice He could have had all the slaves He wanted.

The number He did have is zero, for those who are unsure.

Also, unlike slavery in the U.S. slaves back then could own property, were able to purchase their freedom and, in the case of Christian slaves, were considered as brothers and sisters and not chattel. That’s not to say that slavery was fun or slaves were never abused, since both statements would be false, just that things were a bit different. Also, slavery then was a much more multi-racial and social thing. The baggage it attained here wasn’t there.

As to the Constitution, slavery was outlawed in the original version. It was reinstated to keep yahoos from the south happy. And, even so, they did what they could to weaken it by giving slaves 3/5 rights when before they had none.

I never said it was a good, or equitable, solution, just what they could do with what was available at the time.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Florida is where the gene pool not only went to die but to be forgotten. It is the land of really bad ideas. Back on February 6, 2011, I wrote about a guy who was smuggling cockroaches into the state. With the obvious result that giant cockroaches got loose in the eco-system and could easily overrun the state in the near future. Let’s be somewhat honest here. If the prime employers in your region are strip clubs and pawn brokers, there’s probably not much of a future there for you or your family. Unless your daughter and son are named Bambi and Cletus, respectively. Also, just FYI, the film character named Bambi was a boy. The name was short for Bambino. Not that logic or facts have had much use in Florida. They, like the gene pool, died a painful death long ago.

Happy birthday Uncle Dad! When’s Auntie Mom getting out of the joint?

But still …..

When was the last time you thought it would be a great idea to eat live cockroaches so you would win an expensive snake. Anyone got a time closer than never?

In Florida they found 30 people to give it a whirl. And Ed Archbold was one of those 30 and won the contest. And then, because this is Florida, went to the parking lot and died.

A 32-year-old man downed dozens of roaches and worms to win a python at a Florida reptile store, then collapsed and died outside minutes later.

Edward Archbold was among 20 to 30 contestants participating in Friday night’s “Midnight Madness” event at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach, authorities said.

The participants’ goal: consume as many insects and worms as they could to take home a $850 python.

Archbold swallowed roach after roach, worm after worm. While the store didn’t say exactly how many Archbold consumed, the owner told CNN affiliate WPLG that he was “the life of the party.”

“He really made our night more fun,” Ben Siegel told the station.

Soon after the contest was over, Archbold fell ill and began to vomit, the Broward County Sheriff’s Office said Monday.

A friend called for medical help. Then, Archbold himself dialed 911, the store said in a Facebook post.

Eventually, he fell to the ground outside the store, the sheriff’s office said. An ambulance took him to North Broward Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead.

The Broward Medical Examiner’s Office conducted an autopsy and are awaiting test results to determine the cause of his death.

No other contestant fell ill, the sheriff’s office said.

“Very saddened by this. I mean, it was a shock,” Siegel told WPLG. “Eddie was a very nice guy. We just met him that night, but everybody that works here was very fond of him.”

Luke Lirot, who says he is legally representing the store, said in a post on the store’s Facebook page that all participants “signed thorough waivers accepting responsibility for their participation in this unique and unorthodox contest.”

“The consumption of insects is widely accepted throughout the world, and the insects presented as part of the contest were taken from an inventory of insects that are safely and domestically raised in a controlled environment as food for reptiles,” Lirot said.

In the wild, cockroaches are scavengers that pick up various bacterial organisms such as salmonella while walking through spoiled food, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene explains on its website.

Cockroaches themselves don’t transmit disease, though “many disease-causing organisms can grow and multiply in their guts and can then be deposited … during defecation.”

Pharaoh Gayles was one of those who took part in the contest. He explained his reasoning to CNN affiliate WPTV.

“Some of the snakes were pretty expensive,” he said. “I thought if I could eat the bugs to get one, it’d be a good idea.”

No, Pharaoh, it wasn’t. First off, you have to go through life with the name Pharaoh. That is proof that your parents hated you. Second off, snakes like that are expensive to care for. If you don’t have enough money to buy one how the heck are you going to care for it? Whch means it will probably end up in the wild where it, and thousands like it, have declared humans to be a tasty and nutritious snack. Which has led, heretofore, perfectly calm people like Beth Kassabi to demand that war be declared on the unctious reptiles.

Actually, Beth advocates ripping them apart with your bare hands. She is very angry.

So let’s recap the bad ideas here today;

• (1) Making a snake that is causing billions of dollars in damage a prize in a contest aimed at room full of idiots.
• (2) Making the contest about as gross as it could possibly be.
• (3) Neglecting to have medical help anywhere near the scene of something that had so much potential to go to hell in a hand-basket.
• (4) Just being Florida in general.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Snake Eyes French Fries by Jason Lee Parry and Gandja Monteiro.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.

Before I begin here today I would like to find out if I am alone on this. Every time I see, the recently retired columnist, Stella Foster I keep waiting for her to say “I am your mother Luke.” I think it’s the helmet hair. Also, just for fun, I now get regular updates on the Maine elections. How could I not? The overriding issue facing voters there is whether or not to elect an 85th level Orc to the US Senate. The election also features my favorite quote ever in a political forum; “I like to stab things and I’m originally from New Jersey, what’s your fucking point?” Thank God the economy’s all fixed and unemployment is below 1% there. Oh …. wait. Anyway not since, anti-masturbation activist, Christine O’Donnell took time out of her day to announce she wasn’t a witch, although many people thought she was a word that rhymed with it, have I been accosted with this many levels of stupid wrapped in scientific bundles.

Derrick Pitts, one of the 50 most influential African-American research scientists in the world, has clearly lost his mind. Which is a shame since, up until now, it was a mighty fine mind. You see, he wants to have real scientists do real research into UFOs.

Nothing kills a career faster than being branded a kook, and in many circles, that’s what you are when you admit you’ve seen a UFO.

The stakes are raised, of course, if we’re talking about academic communities, and even more so among astronomers — people who study the skies.

Many astronomers say there’s nothing of any scientific merit that could result in the study of UFOs.

With the career suicide stakes for astronomers so high, some UFO researchers believe many of them are hesitant to step forward. Certainly, the Air Force’s Project Bluebook — the last officially announced government study of unidentified flying objects — concluded that five percent of the cases investigated could not be immediately explained away.

Nevertheless, one nationally renowned astronomer, Derrick Pitts, tells The Huffington Post that it might be time for a thorough study of unexplained aerial phenomena.

“If you say, ‘Let’s pursue an investigation of UFOs so we can identify where these alien spacecraft are coming from,’ then people go, ‘What? I’m not touching that with a 10-foot pole.’ But if you say, ‘Let’s look at what the possibilities are that, at one time, there were environments where life possibly could have developed on Mars,’ then everybody says, ‘Oh, yeah, I want a piece of that,'” said Pitts, senior scientist and chief astronomer at the Franklin Institute Science Museum in Philadelphia.

Pitts, pictured at right, is also a NASA Solar System Ambassador. He told HuffPost about the idea that most serious astronomers give no credence to UFO reports.

“I can speculate about what many astronomers would say if you ask them that question. Many of them would say, ‘I haven’t seen anything, so I can’t say that they exist. I can’t say that this five percent are alien spacecraft.’ But if you ask them in the same breath, ‘Would you be willing to engage in a research project to figure out what these things are,’ I don’t know what that answer would be.

“I’d say, yeah, let’s find out, let’s take a look at it, because here we have a phenomenon that causes a tremendous amount of interest. Why not try to understand what it is?”

A careful look at historical records reveals how astronomers have, indeed, not only endorsed efforts to study the UFO phenomenon, but in many cases, have themselves seen unexplained objects for which they couldn’t account.

In the late 1940s, astronomer — and UFO skeptic — J. Allen Hynek became the scientific consultant to Project Blue Book. During the nearly 20 years that Hynek was charged with explaining away UFO reports, he prepared a “Special Report On Conferences With Astronomers On Unidentified Aerial Objects.”

Included in the study of 45 astronomers was a general feeling that “if they were promised complete anonymity and if they could report their sightings to a group of serious, respected scientists who would regard the problem as a scientific one, then they would be willing to cooperate to the very fullest extent.”

Hynek later went on to coin the phrase, “close encounters of the first, second and third kind,” which described the various types of UFO reports made by people. As the director of the Center for UFO Studies, he was also the technical consultant — with a cameo appearance — in Steven Spielberg’s 1977 film, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.”

Also in 1977, astrophysicist Peter Sturrock created a survey based on responses of members of the American Astronomical Society concerning UFOs. One respondent wrote: “I find it tough to make a living as an astronomer these days. It would be professionally suicidal to devote significant time to UFOs. However, I am quite interested in your survey.”

A year after Sturrock’s survey, Hynek found himself addressing the United Nations, pictured below, on the topic of continuing global sightings of UFOs.

“If it were not worldwide, I should not be addressing … these representatives from many parts of the world,” Hynek told the UN Special Political Committee in 1978. “There exists a global phenomenon the scope and extent of which is not generally recognized. It is a phenomenon so strange and foreign to our daily terrestrial mode of thought that it is frequently met by ridicule and derision by persons and organizations unacquainted with the facts.

“Yet, the phenomenon persists; it has not faded away as many of us expected it would when, years ago, we regarded it as a passing fad or whimsy. Instead, it has touched on the lives of an increasing number of people around the world.”

Joining Hynek at that milestone UN initiative to try and get the world body to create an internal UFO committee was astronomer Jacques Vallee, portrayed by Francois Truffaut in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.”

“We are beginning to pay the price for the negative and prejudiced attitude with which our scientific institutions have treated sincere witnesses of UFO phenomena,” Vallee told the U.N. delegates in 1978. “Lack of serious, open-minded research in this field has encouraged these witnesses to think that science was incapable of dealing with the phenomena.

“This attitude has led many people to seek answers outside the rational pursuit of knowledge to which science is dedicated. Only an open exchange of information on the subject could now correct this dangerous trend.”

Vallee closed his remarks at the United Nations, saying, “All the great nations of the world are represented on this committee. Let us keep in mind that the UFO phenomenon may represent an even greater reality. It is our choice to treat it as a threat or as an opportunity for human knowledge.”

Still close in our collective memory are all of the UFO reports that emerged from China in 2010, making almost daily headlines as unexplained lights and objects were seen throughout the country, and in some cases, responsible for airports temporarily closing down until the UFOs left the area.

Wang Sichao, a planetary astronomer at the Purple Mountain Observatory of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, said that the UFO reports “refer to events of credible facts backed by observation. But these facts cannot yet be explained by existing scientific knowledge or natural phenomena.”

Wang has investigated UFO sightings in China for four decades and told the Beijing Review why there hasn’t been much progress in available UFO information.

“The reason is that a UFO only appears randomly and often disappears rapidly in a few minutes. By the time large professional telescopes are started up, it has already disappeared. So, we can only rely on information from occasional sightings or encounters by observers,” he explained.

Back in Philadelphia, Pitts suggests what needs to happen to ultimately lend more credibility to people who want to study UFOs and eventually solve the mystery, one way or another.

“There are two ways in which this can happen. The first way is if a UFO lands on the front lawn of the White House — that would take care of all of that right away,” Pitts said.

“Then, the other way is if some legitimate, recognized scientific institution engages in research about these particular objects. And something that would help it is if we change the name of what it is that’s being investigated, because that immediately causes problems.

“If that helps to legitimize the research and makes it acceptable in a way that will bring the strength of others to bear on resolving the questions, then that’s a good thing.”

By the logic above we should also investigate all fairy sightings and hunt down those Orcs that are living in Maine. Regular readers already know why I think that time spent on UFO research would be better served if people showed up in soup kitchens and fed the homeless.

But let’s go over some of the basics again, just for fun.

• (1) UFO crashes require you to believe that beings could travel billions of miles and then not handle maintaining orbit.
• (2) Project Blue Book said that 5% of the sightings were truly unidentified, not that they dropped in from Alpha Centauri. They could easily have been unknown atmospheric phenomena.
• (3) Why would someone travel billions of miles to find life and then ignore it? Or worse, tease it and drive it crazy?
• (4) If you look at a galactic map you will see that we are pretty far from being in the thick of things. If the galactic center is New York City, we are in Anchorage Alaska. There is not a lot of incentive to come here but, if someone did, they may as well stick around and do some exploring.
• (5) We have sensors sensitve enough to clearly monitor a world from orbit without needing to enter the atmosphere, why do people think super advanced beings don’t?

You get the idea. It isn’t fairy breath moving the leaves, it’s not storks delivering babies and it’s not aliens hiding in the clouds.

Listen to Bill McCormick on WBIG (FOX! Sports) every Friday around 9:10 AM.